Oh my god. First of all, I wasn't sure if this is the right category to post my dilema, but I'm soooo glad I found this website.
Anyway I have a major crush on my husbands friend. I can't stop thinking of him. I go to the store hoping to run into him.
I know I told myself a million times that this is bad. Real Bad. But I'm so overwhelmed with feeling for this guy, it's making me sick.
I feel like a horrible, aweful, wicked person. I love my husband to death, I would never cheat on him, ever. We have a wonderful connection and relationship. And my husband is the best thing any of you guys could ever imagine. He has me on a pedestal. He treats me like I'm his queen. He works hard so I don't have too. He cleans, he cooks, he changes pampers, and does the dishes. Even serenades me with his guitar. He's my everything.
And what do I do to repay him. I crush on his friend.
What do I do? I can't help it.
It doesn't help either that his friend is always around. He works with my husband and they both hang out all the time. We have get togethers at my house with a lot of friends and we when me and him carry a conversation we learn more and more that we have so much in common. Tons of stuff we've done and things we like and don't like. So now he brings over movies he knows I'll like. Things like that. Real friendly guy.
When I go to return them or anything else he has lent us. He answers the door without his shirt. Real casual, like if I'm family. And he is a real stud muffin. Great shape and beautiful muscles.
Oh my god, I'm so horrible.
Does anyone know what to do? What can I do?
This is aweful.
I feel like #@$!
I love my husband, how do I stop this?

It is really not easy
But the good thing that you know that it is wrong .
Ill tell you what you have to do and of course that is my opnion.
First you have to look what is the bad things in your hasbend friend and think that you live on it.
Ask yourself why he is not married yet and why you like him .
U have to see him in bad way and time will be with you and will save your family.
If there is poison so sweet are you going to eat it, what ever his test you will not eat it ,think that you are going to ditsroy your life and your family life if you did this bad thing.

Just ask yourself if losing your wonderful husband is worth the risk of pursuing this crush. Is the pain that would would cause him worth a fling?
Not only would it ruin your marriage, it would also ruin their friendship.
If your husband is all these wonderful things you say he is, why risk that for a physical attraction?

Avoid him as much as possible
Let your husband return things to him
Remember you have a husband at home who loves you and cares for you
Just stay away
It will only cause problems if you keep thinking about him It will start to affect your marriage
So just stay away

How do I stay away if he's always around with my husband. I cook for these guys. I pick up their mail when they're at work. We're like a big family.

He was engaged to be married but his girlfriend broke up with him, cause they live in separate states.
He focuses only on hobbies, working out, us, and church now.
Very religious guy. Good head on his shoulders.
He's like a younger version of my husband.
I'm starting to think that's what the problem is.

I would never pursue him. I just want to stop crushing on him. It makes me feel so unworthy. Depressing. Guilty. This sucks, cause I love my husband.
Is this normal? Do other people go through this? And just not say so.

I think everybody does this one time in their relationship
The key is not to act upon it
There has to be something about him that annoys you find it and think about it when you start to think about this guy
Even if it something simple like his nose is to big something has to annoy you

That makes me laugh. Thanks for making me smile.
Don't know if that'll work but I'll try to think of something annoyingly( is that a word) wrong with him.

Keep in touch

Ok,
Thanks for helping

How's this... Is it because you are keeping it a secret that it's so overwhelming? Why don't you tell your hubby about your crush. Your being open and honest and he might already know if he knows you well enough. I wouldn't keep this from the man I love just because I feel silly. I would probably expect some awkward moments and possibly some teasing but it will be out there and you'll be better able to deal with it when it's not a secret. Maybe your crushing cause you can't have him either... We always want what we can't have. Just some food for thought... honesty is the best policy

Hi, lovely,
We control today, what we do today, and what we will not do today. What we do today, will determine our tomorrow.
What are you going to do today? Keep looking for this man?
Or, are you going to stop; take care of your husband, and forget about this infatuation.
The previous answer said to talk with your husband about it. I do agree.
A good marriage is compromise, trust, honesty, openness, love, caring, and wanting the other person to be happy. Tell your husband how you feel, and ask for his help. That's what marriage is all about; helping each other.

Marriage has certain boundaries which must not be crossed. As humans we can be attracted to many other people besides our spouse, what we do about it is up to us. Don't obsess over these attractions but enjoy them as part of life. If it gets out of hand and causes problems in your life seek help either from your husband or a reasonable adult. :cool: ;)

Well I think it is just an infatuation and that you need to stop obsessing and the only way to do that is to spend more time with your husband alone and focus on your family. Crushes come and go and yes, I bet every single person in the world has it happened to them, but it is your choice to let it go or let it get the best of you and you end of doing something stupid. So My advice is put your focus on other things. Let it go.

I think everybody does this one time in their relationship. the key is not to act upon it
This is exactly right. You can certainly feel attracted, but you can't act on those feelings.

It's natural to find yourself attracted to man other than your husband from time to time. Your husband may not admit it, but I would be quite certain there are women he finds attractive as well.

The difference is that you are married. You made a commitment to your spouse.

If you really think you need to be with this other man, you better talk to your husband.
You'll either have a threesome, or end up divorced... ;)

Hello dear,
I think there are several keys to your specific situation:
One of them is:
[QUOTE=lovely mmt].' And my husband is the best thing any of you guys could ever imagine. He has me on a pedestal. He treats me like I'm his queen. "

I think he does so much for you, that you seem not to be able to put any effort to sustain your marriage, and add your touch to it... it's not that you don't wish to do it, it's just you can't seem to find any role for yourself - he does everything.
more than that:

"He works hard so I don't have too. He cleans, he cooks, he changes pampers, and does the dishes."

So, you might be even slightly bored?
i think it's really healthy, in every situation, to be busy, to have a role. the moment you have a role, a task, something you're in charge of, it makes you important, gives you some kind of significance, you feel others might notice your contribution - you feel PART of this whole thing, you BELONG!
do you, maybe miss that - being needed?

than you add:


"Even serenades me with his guitar. He's my everything.
And what do I do to repay him."

o.k., so how do you?
i'm NOT criticizing - your crush happens so often! it just does, but it has nothing to do with our lives -we have to learn to put these things aside. they are not our real life, just fantasy world.
BUT: in your question, you might hint to more than this self-reproach - i think that if you look deep down, you'll find out just what i've said: that you have this need to do something for him, and you just can't find WHAT.

" He works with my husband and they both hang out all the time. "

if they spend so much time together, you might find excuses for spending some time without him.

' when me and him carry a conversation we learn more and more that we have so much in common. Tons of stuff we've done and things we like and don't like.'

you have a crush on this guy, so you seem to notice the things you have in common with him, more than you might notice things you have in common with other people! the things you have in common, sort of blow up out of proportion.


" So now he brings over movies he knows I'll like. Things like that. Real friendly guy."


or is he? is he just friendly, or has he sensed your feelings and plays with them?
this question is even more relevant after i've read your next lines:

'When I go to return them or anything else he has lent us. He answers the door without his shirt. Real casual, like if I'm family. And he is a real stud muffin. Great shape and beautiful muscles. "


Don't be so hard with yourself -this is not what's going to solve your problem.
Just TRY to look at it from some more different angles, and try to see how many of the things you seem to find are really there - you might find out that at least some of them clash with reality.
I looks like YOU'VE found someone to put on a pedestal.

You know, there's no healthy relationship with any of the partners on a pedestal - we are all real people, with faults, merits, mistakes, achievements - you name it.

There is something I don't understand: in your other post you say:

"How do I stay away if he's always around with my husband. I cook for these guys. I pick up their mail when they're at work. We're like a big family."

So are you doing things only for BOTH of them, but you have nothing you do specifically for your husband?

Because if the answer is yes, than it agrees with the fact that you feel like you lack a role in your husbands life.


The first thing I would try, is to see him in a more realistic way, and like it has been already said by others, find his faults as well, really LOOK for them!

And next, try to spend some more time with our husband alone, try to learn MORE ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND - so that you'll find things you can do for HIM and feel that you have an important role in his life, and not only an important place in his heart.
Spending more time only with your husband, will haelp you build that special bond : intimacy.
I hope it helped, and if only a little.

Take good care of your life,
Millie
:)

p.s. - I apologize it's THAT long!

Thanks for your help all of you.
Millie thanks for the input, no response is too long. I'm glad you took the time to really put it all down.

I think I might tell my husband tonight. He works so much we usually don't get to talk much unless its about the house, bills, or work. It'll be weird just coming out and saying it. How do I even bring it up. I don't want to hurt him. But I'm losing sleep over my guilty concience.

I think your right millie about not feeling needed.
I certaintly don't have to work, but I've been putting in applications to really great jobs lately. My husband said he supports whatever I want to do.
I told him that I feel like a trapped animal at home all the time. I took up tons of hobbies and have so much fun with my babies. But I don't feel fulfilled.
He will be getting home at 2 in the morning. I'll let you know how it goes. Any advice how to break it to him would help.

Well I must say, I'm lost in that matter.
I try to put myself in your position, and I feel like walking on thin ice, careful not to fall in the icy water and drawn!
(deep water is the thing I'm scared of, really!)
As far as I can see, my husband couldn't take such a thing, but my husband is THE VErY OPPOSITE OF YOURS!

In any case, tell him how much you love him and tell him torment about this terrible thing which crushed on you like a disaster and that you need HIS help to overcome it!
Ensure him that you're not telling him to clean your conscience and go on with it, but in order to get his help to get rid of this ordeal.
I'm not sure about this, but may be he won't be hurt too much in this way, and you won't endanger your marriage.
Tell me how things are going, I really worry.
I wish you the best of luck and take care,

Millie

Do you think if I did tell him about my huge infatuation; his friendship with this guy will be wrecked or not the same. He enjoys this guys company a lot. My husband has mentioned that he considered him family. Like his brother.
I don't want things to get weird between them.
Great! I didn't really think of that till now. Should I tell him or not? What the heck do I do. Keep quiet and deal with it on my own, or wreck his friendship?

It is up to you wheather you want to tell him that you have a crush on his friend or not. Or do you think you can let it go completely and not let anything interfere. If so than, I personally would let it go and forget about it and not open up wounds.

I don't want to tell him about it really.
But I also want to be honest with him. I owe him that much don't you think? Think about it this way. (If you are married) Would you appreciate the honesty your partner gave you by telling you the truth? Or would you not want to know?

My dear!
I would really postpone it, after all, you've lived with it for such a long time - bear this a little longer.
IN THE MEANTIME:
See if you can make an appointment with a counsellor, to try and discuss this action (telling/ not telling) him.
I think you can get a LOT of help speaking with a professional face - to - face- because we can't really "talk" here. I think you need someone real to talk to, beside us here.
And write as much as you need, and we'll keep in touch.
Bye,
Millie

You're absolutely right.
I need to talk with someone about this. I have too many questions to ask. Thanks for all your help

Hello everyone,
Just an update. I decided to let my husband know about my situation a few days ago. I would have never thought it would be so easy. I should've known I could tell him anything.
When I told him about it, his first question was if I was going to leave him. I love him more than I did before. His first reactions were not even anger or disappointment. Only if I was going to leave him.
I asked if he wanted to know, and he said No, not really. But if it made me feel better then I did the right thing.
Even now he still cares about my feelings.
Just yesterday he joked around to me before he left for work. Telling me "No cheating while I'm gone, I already kickass at work. Don't want to have to come home and do it." he thought he was so funny. But I know he got his point across.
I don't even know if I deserve him. He's special, one of a kind.

Thanks for all your help any comments are appreciated.

I'm glad it's all working out for you. Honesty is truly the best policy in cases such as this. I know it must have been hard but it shows an amazing amount of trust in your relationship with your hubby that he's able to joke about it. I bet that this crush feeling will subside soon. I think that you've moved to a deeper stage with your hubby and exploring it will help to rediscover the things that you both may have taken for granted from each other. Take care and keep us posted. We're here for you.

Don't feel bad and you are not alone. Obviously if you had the choice you wouldn't have these thoughts because you surely love your husband and don't want to hurt him. I am in a similar situation. Been married 6 years to a great guy... we have 2 kids together. I am in still in love with an ex-lover from my past. I haven't seen him in over 8 years but he is on my mind every single day. It is a horrible feeling when you know you can't have what you want. I don't want to break up my family but I think happiness for me is really with this other man. Maybe you and I both just think the grass is greener over there... or you know the saying "you want what you can't have". Either way, I am here to tell you that you aren't alone. Good Luck!

There is nothing wrong with having feelings, and we all dream about what was, and what could have been, but when those feelings keep us from dealing with the reality of life then there is a problem. There is nothing wrong with talking to a professional or a trusted friend or even a spouse to shake us back to the real world so we don't do something stupid like act on those deep and sometimes far-fetched feelings and end up hurting ourselves or the ones we love. I think the posters here should be applauded for reaching out BEFORE they got carried away and I hope the advice of all of us helped keep their feet on the ground:cool: ;)

I am very grateful for all the advise. It never crossed my mind to tell my husband. NEVER!
And like Myth said, I think we are moving to a deeper stage in our relationship.
I do limit myself now from returning items, walking my hubby out cause I know his friends there, and I don't answer the phone if I know it will be him. I let my hubby do that. I feel in control now, especially now that I'm under the ever watchful eye. But I'm glad my husbands on my side with support and we're not against each other and angry. Which I really honestly thought we would be.
Thank God it's going to be all right

It sounds to me like you married the perfect person.

Well before advisisng you, I must tell you that I am in a business of advising people in same matters as that of yours and I have seen a lot of such cases. I think you just have an infatuation with this guy and that is simply because you love your husband too much. Now this may sound a bit weird but let me explain it. You said that this new guy is just like a revitalized version of your husband. Now I think that you are so much in love in with your husband that you are completely connected spiritually connected with him and every thing that is related or belongs to him is dear to you. So one cannot complain about a complete alive man who , according to u, is a younger version of your husband. Now telling your husband the whole story may worsen the situation. Some people may say that he loves you and would understand your position. But think it like this, your husband loves you like hell and eventually you repay him with a crush on his friend. He may not get angry and might react quietly but I this way you would loose his trust. Now in order to solve this problem there is no need to ignore him. The more you do that, the more you would think about him. That would be more painful. A better way is to get involved in your family matters, visit your church/mosque regularly, try to find rather a good friend ini this guy, if you have a kid think about him and think how you would have reacted if your husband had acted the same way.

Wow, that was really great advise. I have actually started going back to church recently. That was a good idea. But yes he is a lot like my husband. I think they both know it too. That's why they refer to each other as brother and hang out a lot.
But sorry to say; I have already told my hubby. We actually spoke about it again today before he left for work. I asked him if he was upset with me at all and he said No (with a big fat smile). He said I don't care if you have a crush on anyone just as long as you don't cheat on me. Then he said and I know and trust you enough to know you won't. I hugged him and told him he was right.

Later I'm sure me and that other guy will become great mutual friends. Like I said we have lots of the same interests and he treats us like family.
For now though I think it is best for me to stay away a while. I'm getting super busy with my babies baptismal and 1 year birthday party in June. So I have a lot on my mind anyway.
Thanks grammarian

Oh and demonspeeding. Now you know why I felt so guilty. But I think my hubby is the right one for me.:)

Well its great to hear that you've made some progress in your peoblem. I hope your husband shoud keep on trusting you and love you for ever just the way he do right now.
Also all the best wishes for your kid's birthday party. I hope you all folks have a great time.

It's always normal to find people of the opposite sex attractive, even when married. It only becomes a problem when you obsess about and/or act upon such thoughts. Just remember that you are married and your loyalty belongs to your husband and nobody else. You also need to be considerate of the friend's wife (I'm assuming that he's married as well) and respect the loyalty and commitment that he owes her and nobody else. If he's not married now, then he probably will be someday and you certainly don't want to come between him and any future relationship that's in store for him.

Oh my god. First of all, I wasn't sure if this is the right category to post my dilema, but I'm soooo glad I found this website.
Anyway I have a major crush on my husbands friend. I can't stop thinking of him. I go to the store hoping to run into him.
I know I told myself a million times that this is bad. Real Bad. But I'm so overwhelmed with feeling for this guy, it's making me sick.
I feel like a horrible, aweful, wicked person. I love my husband to death, I would never cheat on him, ever. We have a wonderful connection and relationship. And my husband is the best thing any of you guys could ever imagine. He has me on a pedestal. He treats me like I'm his queen. He works hard so I don't have too. He cleans, he cooks, he changes pampers, and does the dishes. Even serenades me with his guitar. He's my everything.
And what do I do to repay him. I crush on his friend.
What do I do? I can't help it.
It doesn't help either that his friend is always around. He works with my husband and they both hang out all the time. We have get togethers at my house with a lot of friends and we when me and him carry a conversation we learn more and more that we have so much in common. Tons of stuff we've done and things we like and don't like. So now he brings over movies he knows I'll like. Things like that. Real friendly guy.
When I go to return them or anything else he has lent us. He answers the door without his shirt. Real casual, like if I'm family. And he is a real stud muffin. Great shape and beautiful muscles.
Oh my god, I'm so horrible.
Does anyone know what to do? What can I do?
This is aweful.
I feel like #@$!
I love my husband, how do I stop this?
Omg I cannot believe my eyes... I am going through the same thing as you and I myself cannot believe I of all people would have feelings for someone else.. your description of your husband to the T was again the same... as me... can you help me out? Shed some light? Please... I have 2 kids and don't want to do anything ill regret... thanks amy..

I am in the same situation as lovley mmt what the heck... I cannot rid myself to these feelings and want the other guy badly but know I can't and won't do it... but I panic when I see the other guy.. omg its driving me buggy

Relax my wife has a few hot friends that drive me a little nuts too, but I remember my boundaries and just enjoy their company. So know you are not alone and remember you can enjoy the scenery but don't move there.:cool: ;)

Yeah but I want to... thats the problem I can't eat I can't sleep I think of him when I am intimate with my own man... omg its bugging me I just want to get it over with or some how ask my hubby to let him join in... eeek that's a far fetch eh

The simple answer here is don't!

We all fantasise about different people, doesn't matter if it is a film star or brothers wife/sisters husband. We all talk and have a laugh about the various things that he/she does, the way they make you laugh or forget yourself.

Don't do anything, the world will come crashing down, you will feel like sh*t for many reasons.

This has nothing to do with religion, just don't. I have been on both sides of this particular fence, (I have been the cheater and the cheated). One is fine for a while, and then suddenly it isn't so fine. The other makes you feel like cr*p, worthless, etc.

Whatever you decide, go with it, because you will. Doesn't matter who tells you it's right or wrong, you know it isn't right so don't do it. When you have had the hurt or seen close friends hurt by spouses, you will understand...


Until then, keep your pants on! (Sorry I have quite strong views on this subject and lost more than one friend because of this exact thing)

Good Luck, it isn't easy. But who said "Life is"

Hi,


I agree with everyone you must avoid this person at all costs, try not to give him any eye contact, or small talk. When he comes to your home always make yourself busy but in a polite way. He will get the message then, and not be too much in your shoes. This crush you have on this guy might not be his fault but it is dangerous because this can become more serious and destroy everything you have built with your nice husband. Not many women can say that there husbands cook and clean and help with house work don't break up a lovely thing for something that is not worth it. Can you imagine if something happened with this guy do you think he would respect you afterwards he probably have no regard or respect for you. He would see you as cheap and just use you. Don't lose yourself respect. You have respect now. This sort of dilemas have happened to many of my friends who took the short straw and are in deep regret still. When you lose respect you yearn for that repect for the rest of your life its called regret you take care.

I know this is old , but once again, kick rocks. You are married. I hope you did not act on anything. Wow.

Wow ! I can't believe I'm actually replying to this. I know I'm replying to an old message, but I feel like I should. Maybe it'll make myself feel better. While I was reading your message, I think my jaw was almost to the floor cause it felt like I was reading the same thoughts that have gone through my head lately. Very eeery. I'm in the same situation too. I was told by a friend also, to stay away from this person and try to concentrate on something else, although, in the back of my head always hope I'll run into him since we live in a small community. He works with my husband, and we used to hang out with him and his wife a lot in the summer. I thought he was very cute from the first time I saw him, but that's pretty much as far as it went. Then over the past few months of hearing my husband tell me things about what his friend tells him on the way to work about his wife and how ungrateful she is about everything, I could go on forever about her, it started to really make me mad cause he does everything for her and nothigns good enough. I guess I started to feel protective over him in some way, cause I knew he didn't deserve this. Then in my head it would turn into stuff like " Well, if I was his wife, I wouldn't ... blah blah blah" , y'know ? Someone told me it's "mothering infatuation", where you feel protective over someone you know, but then it turns into an attraction. Same as you said, my husband is absolutely amazing, and I would neve want to cheat on him, and I don't think I could, but I do find myself fantasizing about his friend - especailly very intimate thoughts, and I feel very guilty about it. I had one thought on my own situation... that since right now in our life, we are going through financial problems, and we're working them out, but maybe it's my mind's way of having a "diversion", y'know? Obviously it's much more pleasant to be thnking about him than bills.
I'm just hopeing this goes away. I don't see him very often, which I guess is a good thing, although I find myself missing him sometimes and feel bad about it.
One day at a time I guess.

J

I have the same problem - I got over it by imagining that my crush has herpes (or replace some other more revolting STD here). I think that's pretty good for eliminating all sexual attractions toward a human. After that, you can just interact with them as a fellow human being.