Hey all!

I have a difficult and strange situation with a girl I'm dating now for 3 months, or since the beginning of this week was dating. We are both mid 30’s.

The problem is this, although she completely seems to like me she somehow doesn’t have a real sexual or physical attraction to me; and when she has it and we have sex she just “slips” away; from one moment to the other she loses it and becomes totally uninterested.
And somehow it also feels hard to touch here, even just in an affectionate way, just as if she block’s.

Now this sounds at first all very simple I guess, but here is a little problem. We met about a year ago and I totally fell for her, but at first this wasn’t mutual. So we staid friends until a couple of months back we spend some time together, and the day after she left I got this complete love declaration from her by mail, saying how cool and adorable I am, and that she started to get feelings for me a while ago, and that the time we spend together made it clear to her that she wanted this friendship turn into something else.
From the start this was difficult, with her seeing all kinds of problems why it wouldn't work out..

She is a severe depressed person, and she started taking prozac about 2 months ago. I’m not sure but I think she is bipolar. She also has this thing of thinking I'm too good for her, because "she is a bad person and doesn’t deserve me”...
Her past lovelife is as far as I can tell not really a happy one, and from all I’ve heard she has a tendency of falling for guys that treat her like crap. And in her words I’ve been the first serious attempt at something descent and worthwhile for years. When she broke up she said that she still felt the things she felt a few months ago...
We talked a lot the last months, and our thing went from complete happiness to feelings that she is just not there, and this could take place within a few hours.
In general it really feels like she just block’s up with me, although she is a very extravert person, and also a girl that to the outside world looks/is open and flirty.

So does anyone recognize this? Everybody is different I know, but how do bipolar or extreme depressed people tend react to these things? And what does prozac do? I mean I cannot tell if I should really fight for her, or if it's just not there and I should leave it at that...

Sadly this girl is too sick to have a sexual relationship at this time. She needs to focus on therapy right now; hopefully, she will be willing to make some progress to help herself.

Best wishes to you going forward,

Sadly this girl is too sick to have a sexual relationship at this time. She needs to focus on therapy right now; hopefully, she will be willing to make some progress to help herself.

Best wishes to you going forward,I'll second that. Frequently it takes time to get the type and doseage of meds at the correct level. It can take as long as a year or more. Meds will effect her moods and urges. I'd back off and let her get the important stuff under control first.

Depression is not to be taken lightly. It is good she is getting help. That said, you are in a tough spot. I've dated depressed women and it is very tough. They are the happiest, coolest girls you will ever meet - until a mod swing. Then, good luck. I would back away and know it's not your fault. As for bi-polar? That is complicated to diagnose, but it sounds like she has a mood disorder and cannot possibly hold up her end - and you're doing her a favor to give her space. Tell her you care etc. and then back away. And best of all, find a healthy girl so you do not become depressed too.

Theotherside,

I know these kind of women. My ex gilfriend was similar.

It's always the same, just as you described: Was seeking for men
Treating them like crap, – being flirty (maybe even more... like
Having tendencies to being exhibitionist etc.).
Than combined with depression, deeply seeking for love, saying that
She's a bad girl, saying that her (kind) boyfriend is to good
For her.

And sometimes being absolutely normal. – ... Well, until it comes
To sex. (Or anything else that unconsciously reminds the depressive of his / her past).

... That's excactly the same every time. Just wanted you to know
I read your thread and I know the issues.


All right, here's the solution:

First, your girl is in trouble. Not you. – SHE has to make a decision
To go out and reach for the help of professionals.
(Right now YOU are reaching for help.)
And maybe you can not even really help her.
That's the way it goes.


Second, I would bet there was something terrible happening in her
Past she never came across by now. – Maybe she got raped or a similar
Cruel thing happened. (Beaten by her father; boyfriend;... having hughe trouble
At school, in her family... something like this.)

As you say she "slips" away when having sex (I know that from two of my
Ex-girlfriends... ) she probably had a very bad sexual experience.
And she may or may not be willing to tell you.
She might not even be aware of it anymore. (But that would have to be
A VERY cruel experience in very early childhood. Your description seems
NOT like that but a MUCH 'lighter' case!)
So it COULD even be that she's not as ill as she thinks she is.
Maybe the solution for her would be there when just opening up to a
Professional for 2 or 5 hours. – Otherwise it may take 100 hours.
You don't know. – You just can't get to know the depth of her depression.


However, you have to 'swallow' one bitter pill now:
It is HER problem in the end. – Don't try to take it away from her.
This is a really important point to understand because if you make her
Problem yours, you kind of 'steal' her problem which is not healthy for
The both of you.
She will feel much better with a 'happy' boyfriend. And you better leave
'her' problem as hers, because as a depressive she is lack of self-
Esteem anyway. – If now even her boyfriend thinks that she's too weak
To solve her own trouble.. . Well, this will even lower her self-esteem.
So think of her as a strong person. And encourage her that she is strong
Enough to make her own solutions and fix her own problems.

That's a common problem with depressive people... as a non-depressive
You're trying to fix their problem. –... Which, as said above, may not be
Healthy for both.

SHE has to decide to get help. YOU can encourage her to open up and
Talk to either professionals or friends about her depression.

You can try to talk to her etc. – encourage her as much as you can.
But don't forget: It's HER life. SHE's living it. And she's allowed to live
It the way she thinks she has to. – ... If she's living ill... well that's not
Preferable for you. – For me neither – ... for her it MIGHT be the best
Solution by now. – ... This is very hard to accept. Because of course
You WISH to help her. – Well, you MAY can not.
Try to accept that.


However, the problem is the "opening up". As she is depressive she will
Decline the TRUE reasons of her depressions as long as possible.
... That's why she's depressive... it's a vicious circle.

- - - - - -

Whatever happens: She has to open up for help. (She(!) has to
Decide that it's time for help.)
That's the only way anybody can help her.
- - - -

Good luck,
Justus