Hi everyone,
OK, this has been so difficult for me. First off, I am a gay woman who is 45 years old. I met this other woman one line who was married, with children and never been with a woman before. We quickly developed a loving relationship. One problem, I am in recovery and she is a daily drinker. Anyway, we totally fell in love. I felt ( feel) like she is my soul mate. We had a lot of fun together and great intimacy. I couldn"t imagine my life without her. She felt the same. She told me she had never felt the same way about anyone. That she loved me so much and never wanted to be without me.
Everyone told me that, when people first come out , the very rarely stay with their first partner. I was blind and that that would never happen.
We were together for a year.
Well, she met another woman who is 15 years younger than her, who is in better shape than me and started seeing her. She continues( to this day) to tell me that they were not together when we were, but I don't believe her.
She just told me one day, I don't feel the same way about you as you do about me. Talk about a knife through my heart.
Anyway, it's been over a year and her and this woman are still together. How do I know? I talk to her daily through e-mail and sometimes phone calls. She wants o be my friend, and I keep waiting for her to say those words. " I messed up and want you back" but I never hear them.
It hurts to hear about the things her and her girlfriend are doing. But I can't seem to stop talking to her. I know she drinks and is unhealthily but, I still love her. I am afraid if I stop talking to her, she'll forget me, and I may never talk to her again. She ripped my heart out, but still wants to be friends. Hard part is I am seeing someone else who loves me a lot.
But, my thoughts are with my ex and possibly having a change to reunite. I am in therapy and working a 12 step program, nothing seems to work. I wish I knew how to quite her.

I see a lot of red flags that I think you over look. I don't believe a dry alocolhilc can not stay with an alcoholic. It was her first. You seem to be real needy - very unattractive. You seem to cling to some that is gone. The fact she married before and confused and this was new to her.

Persoanlly, for a lot of reasons you mentioned, I do not stay close to women after a break - and for a lot of the reasons you mentioned. It makes the hurt go away faster - you can move on then. You can find that right person.

I can help wit hwin-back, but as I also say, people generally screw it up. Staying in contact doesn't work - you come across as needy, clingy - plus its way too late to work on that.

And it's been over a year... you should have moved on a long time ago - think about all the great women you could have dated and got to know over the last year.

I truly believe in soul-mates... this one was not your soul mate - I say that because of a lot of the red flags

You put this gal on a pedestal and made her your life - not good - your significant other is part of your life, not your life - never. You need other things in life to make you happy - if you rely on your S/O only to make you happy you will lose.

As I always say, people want what they can't have - she has you.

I'd quit ALL contact with her immediately. Do not call. Do not e-mail. Do not text. Do not see her. Do not stalk. She won't ever come back anyway until you move on.

You need to date, date, date!!

Work on yourself - workout (get in great shape), hobbies, hang with your friends, family, religion, work harder at work...

Just enjoy the memories.

I'd quit ALL contact with her immediately. Do not call. Do not e-mail. Do not text. Do not see her. Do not stalk. She wont ever come back anyway until you move on.

You need to date, date, date!!!

Work on yourself - workout (get in great shape), hobbies, hang with your friends, family, religion, work harder at work...

Just enjoy the memories.


I highly agree with all the thing wildcat mentioned, but I chose to quote only the last part, because these are the most important things.
As I see it, you'vs developed a dependency which is nothing else than an addiction. Even IF you got back with her, you wouldn't be more than a toy to her.
You should treat her like a drug you've got to detox your system of - like you did with the alcohol addiction, which means:TOTAL ABSTINENCE!
There really isn't any other way, as you very well know.
Good luck, and take good care of yourself,
Millie

Hi, notsogood,
You have some good answers here.
Just like to add that in any relationship, sometimes it's time to move on. This ex is just playing with you. Stop all communications with here today. Don't answer any emails from her, don't even call her.
Life is really "just one day at a time", so don't look at it as "forever"; just look at today, and what you will do today that will help you.
Making amends is part of working the 12 steps. When you do that, you don't want to completely close the door on the past, but can close that door to move on.
Just for today, turn it over all over to your "Higher Power", give it up to Him, He will handle it for you. He does things for us that we cannot do by ourselves.
I do wish you the best, and good luck. Think of just today, don't worry about tomorrow; cause tomorrow never comes!

Thank You for the great advise. I don't understand why this is so difficult but I know I have to be strong. Your right Wildcat, I was needy and clingy. I know that now. I couldn't see it then. I am on day 8 with no contact. I feel nervous but, I know I have to let er know that I am not " just there".
I think she will just forget me and stop contact too. It's easier that way for her. Her life continues to be screwed up and messy. I have to remember that. She is very selfish and I see that now.

See - I don't see this as being that hard. Women tend to remember the good and forget all the bad. Sounds like you have thought of some of the bad recently - which is great for you. Remember why you broke - it was broke for a reason.

Ok, so I have gone 14 days with no contact. She hasn't contacted me either. Are you basically saying I totally blew a chance with getting back with her?
Maybe I did. But, what I thought would happen is happenning. If I don't contact her, she doen't contact me, at all.
This sucks but, I do find myself being less compulsive towards thoughts of her.
Maybe it is an addiction, maybe it was true love. I don't know.
All I know is that I really liked her in my life to talk to, to e-mail, to just know she "is there". Now, I am sad like I will never see/tal to her again. I would appreciate your advise. Every time I want to e-mail or call her, I read your advise to me about " No contact". Right now I am hoping this well let her see how much she misses me but, it doesn't seem to be going that way..

Well, do you want her to be your friend or more? You decide. But this constant contact will only lead to friendship and nothing more. You are in her friend zone. It probably works well for her.

2 weeks is not very long time to miss someone.

I want more than friendship. But, I guess I blew that a long time ago.
2 weeks of no contact is a long time for me and it is a first since we broke up. OK, I agree, I can't make someone "want" me but, now what do I do? I stayed ion her life thinking she would forget about me if I didn't.
Like I should remain friends and then things would turn around.
OK, I screwed up but, I want her back. Now what do I do, or is a lost cause.
I am willing to do whatever it takes.