About 11 year ago before I really knew my best friend now,she was married to someone and I slept with him when I was drunk she knew he used to come to my house but I was friends with his friends so they often did,at the time I denied it it was meant to be kept between me and him but he told everyone anyhow somehow I got him to say he made it up when she was there,at the time I was a bit wild I was selfish and had no respect for myself,since then she has been divorced from him and is in a happy relaitionship with a child and during the past 5 year we have become really good friends,I want to tell her the truth as I hate lying but I'm scared it will ruin the friendship and she won't trust me anymore,its just that the past has a way of creeping up on you,am I best leaving the past where it is or should I tell her the truth,I've thought about writing her a letter.

Honesty is always the best policy, you reap what you sew. Maybe enough time has settled that things aren't going to get bad

Honesty is always the best policy, you reap what you sew. Maybe enough time has settled that things aren't going to get bad thanks for advice I know honesty is prob best but should I bring up something from 11 years ago when it has all been forgotten,I might go for the letter.

I agree with Romefalls that maybe enough time has passed. She obviously knows you better now and can see that you've changed if you two are best friends. You will feel better if you tell her though and everything is out in the open.

Thanks,I might have to get her drunk first.LoL

I'm not sure what my opinion is on this whole thing.

I guess, the question that I want to ask is "what is the purpose of telling her?"

Is it only to alleviate your own conscience? Because you think she deserves to know? Once she knows, what will she do with that information?

Be honest with yourself - if telling her is only to make yourself feel better... that might not be the best course of action.

I would say go for it. I hate confrontation more than anyone knows so while I understand the letter thing, I think in person is better or at least over the phone. I really think it will make you feel so much better and while she might not like to hear it, she will respect you for telling her the truth. Just put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself what you would want you to do from that perspective... that usually helps me out.

Honesty is the best policy, but be aware of the consequences of alleviating your guilt. She may disown you, and your friendship, and that would be fair, or she may forgive, and then you'll feel better.

Don't be a canary and sing about it. This happened a long time ago, she's happy, this will only clear your conscience. It was your mistake live with it. Make up for it by being a great friend now, don't cause her any unpleasantness. Ask yourself the question, "why would I tell her". If the answer has anything to do with you, then do not tell her. Don't be selfish. Will this change anything in her life now?

If u can't tell her to her face write her a letter but be there when she reads it so u can talk after.

it's a win/loose situation. Either way she's likely to be upset with you for stabing her in the back, you were suppose to be her friend and lied to her face. How is she to trust you ever again? It sounds like the two of you are really close and its going to hurt you as much to tell her as it will for her to hear it. Tell her, be sure to let her know you had to tell her because you value the friendship. Good luck!

I vote for telling her the truth. The best way to do it may be to write a letter & either read it to her in person (so she can see how remorseful you truly are) or over the phone if you think that might be better for her to handle. If you write out everything you have to say, then you have a better chance to get it all out in one fell swoop. Otherwise you may forget something important you want to say & you can ask her to please not respond until you are done.

She deserves to know the truth about what was going on in her own life with her own H at the time. It sounds like she suspected or even asked & was told it never happened? So she is left doubting herself & her judgment, perhaps even told she was just a jealous shrew that had no right to think such a thing about him. It could give her closure that he has not & won't. It was a long time ago, she is with someone else & has a happier, better relationship now. That doesn't mean she doesn't still wonder what went on back then at times or that the damage being with a lying cheater did is completely healed, even if she's definitely moved successfully past it at least to a great extent which is obviously good.

This would be an incredibly difficult thing for you to do, but I think it would be a good thing. Everyone is different & she may not want to know. You could get a feel for what her preference is by asking when you can, "If you were done wrong by someone a very long time ago, would you want to know?" If she says yes, read her your apology letter. If no, then let it go.

I also suggest getting Gary Chapman's book on apologies or googling them on the net to find out how to make a really good apology, this situation needs one & you want to increase your chances of keeping her as a friend. I know I have several good articles on how to properly apologize just from the net free, so they aren't hard to find. If you want, I can help point you in the right direction.

This is from his book: The Five Languages of Apology

Expressing Regret
"I am sorry"

Accepting Responsibility
"I was wrong"

Making Restitution
"What can I do to make it right?"

Genuinely Repenting
"I'll try not to do that again"

Requesting Forgiveness
"Will you please forgive me?"

Id like to add that you should tell her to her face its more personal. The letter just seems really kidish, and cowardly. Your best friends, you don't write a letter to your best friend. Friends like that are more like family. Anyone agree?

Honesty is the best policy. Just listen to me and you will not to go go true this!


Trust me!! :)

Just sit down with her then tell here sincerely how and why it happened. I'm sure she'll understand. Although you have to expect that things might become all weird between you two. Be ready for that.

What? How and why it happened! NO! please spare her the details. Details don't matter its in the past lets move forward.

It all depends on the kind of girls SHE is. I mean, it seems like your either "afraid" to tell her because she's a strong personality or you are a person who avoids "making waves" under any circumstance. If this is a subject matter that is sensitive to her, I would avoid telling her. However if she's easy going about the past husband... then do it. OR you can just get her drunk! (OMG, but she'll soberrrr uppppp and rememberrrr everything you saiddddd!! Lol).

Old enough to be sleeping around with guys, old enough to be responsible for any actions.

Romefalls is right.. you need to open up with your friend.

what? how and why it happend! NO! , please spare her the details. Details dont matter its in the past lets move forward.

Even if you try to spare her the details, I'm sure she's going to ask about it anyway. Learn to deal with it.

Even if you try to spare her the details, I'm sure she's going to ask about it anyways. Learn to deal with it.

Would you want the details? This is an ex love and best friend Ivory! Learn to deal with it? Deal with betrayal from your best friend, your husband, the lies, and sneaking around... and then want the details?

Leave The Past With The Past I'm Sure It's The Farthest Thing From Her Mind...

So Why Is It Still On Yours?

Blind honesty amounts to cruelty in many situations. To simply say "Honesty is the best policy" ignores the fact that we live in an emotional universe. It's how we were created.

I'm all for honesty, too. Honesty with a purpose to benefit. Telling her now serves no meaningful purpose at all. In fact, it undermines most of what you have accomplished with her in the past few years.

You should put this fact out of your mind. You should not tell her, nor should you debate it at length in your heart. Telling her now is paramount to cruelty, since there is no impending reason for you to HAVE to do it.

Let it go. Right now it's a complete non-issue in your relationship. The moment you speak of it, you can't take it back, and it will be THE issue of your ex-relationship.

OLIN MILLER QUOTE: "A man who won't lie to a woman has very little consideration for her feelings."
(this is a harsh truth to absorb, but think about it. "Sometimes" it's the only advice that applies.)

We all have done things in our lives that we somehow feel we could have done better or not at all - but we also know that within an 11 year period, all people change. You have grown and seen the errors of your ways. She has grown and has left him for something better in her life. Do you know the reasons she left him? He probably slept around with others as well and just was not the right one for her, so why bring up a wound that has healed and she is happy now.

I would weigh the value of the outcome if you kept this to yourself and enjoyed being her friend and seeing her happy.

If you really want to get this off your chest, why not try a diary and talk your heart out. You are not the only one in the world that has made a mistake and you just should start learning to forgive yourself and pat yourself on the back for growing up and leaving your wildness behind, just like everyone else.

If most of us had the urge to ask everyone we did something wrong to for forgiveness, we would spend all of our time searching for hundreds of individuals who have gone on with their lives - and leaving their past just where it belongs - in the past.

Accept yourself as the person you are now and don't intentionally go out hurting anyone else in the future. After all, it did take two people to make a mistake then, so don't place all the blame on yourself.

Go on with your life, friendship, and do the best you can with all your heart from now on - that, I think, would be more rewarding for you and your friend.

It's your choice dear, and you are only human. If it had happened within the last year I would probably think differently, but after a decade - forget it and go on.

Good luck, and keep us posted.
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The truth can hurt, but deception more so. An ugly truth is better than a pretty lie.

As to a letter being wuzzy, it depends. If you mailed it to her & immediately disappeared that would be cowardly.

It was a long time ago & you are not telling her to gloat, which would definitely be wrong.

Again, approaching it by asking if she would want to know an ugly truth about something that happened years ago gives HER the choice to know or not. Some may not want to know, but many people are not as allergic to the truth.

It has been over a decade, so there are valid arguments for both sides of this "tell, not tell" issue.

What do you see as the benefits / harm of telling her now to you both?

The truth can hurt, but deception more so. She was fooled, cheated on & has the opportunity now to know the truth.

As to a letter being wuzzy, it depends. If you mailed it to her & immediately disappeared that would be cowardly.

It was a long time ago & you are not telling her to gloat, which would definitely be wrong.

Again, approaching it by asking if she would want to know an ugly truth about something that happened years ago gives HER the choice to know or not. Some may not want the truth but many people are not as allergic to the truth. An ugly truth is better than a pretty lie.

Since she left him and is happy with another and a child also, she probably knows more truths about her ex than she really wants to be reminded of. I don't think she was that blind and probably suspected but forgave her friend anyway... sometimes we have to consider the source of our pain and then forgive our weak friends.
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I agree with History_Chick and Chery why bring it up this many years later? Often people have a hard time of letting go of an image they have of you so in other words you tell her and then no matter all the convincing you do she then has the image of you cheating with her ex. Then she thinks you will try and cheat with her new guy.
IF you feel you must say something I would just generalize on you and your past with no details. Maybe something like I am glad I am no longer the person I once was. Funny but nice how time matures you and gets you realizing things in a way you didn't see them years before.

IF you feel you must say something I would just generalize on you and your past with no details. Maybe something like I am glad I am no longer the person I once was. Funny but nice how time matures you and gets you realizing things in a way you didn't see them years before.

This isn't all just about an ex that's long disappeared into the past, it's about your friendship with her now & how honest you want it to be. This isn't about chasing down people to beg forgiveness that have long passed out of your life. You have a current relationship with her, so that does make a difference.

It may have negative repercussions on your friendship with her, or it may be good to have the truth on the table. She may think her new man could be targeted by you, or give you credit for telling the truth now as well as knowing you much better all this time so that may not be a concern to her.

There is no way to know whether she would appreciate the truth or what the repercussions of telling will be without knowing her better, which you do more than we ever will.

The odds are good she may never find out since she is not with him anymore & it sounds like she has no kids with him? So if the friends that did know haven't told yet, they may never even if they are still in contact with her. Or it may still come out, again no way to tell. I do know people that found out 20 yrs later but those were different situations, it was their partner that finally fessed up.

You are a different person now, a better one & as NoH says, time gives us a perspective that we didn't realize before. No one's perfect, we all make terrible choices of one kind or another. If you decide not to tell her the truth, or even if you do, an important thing is for you to give yourself closure & forgiveness.

Whatever you decide now, if she ever does ask you I hope you tell her the truth.

Hi,I've decided not to tell my friend in such words,her ex was brought up in conversation the other day,and I said I'm so sorry for having him in my house,I was out of order,I said I hate myself for the way I was back then I had no respect for anyone including myself,and she said well we all have a past you're a different person now we all do things we regrett,so I think she must know what I was saying,it was as if we both knew what I was really trying to say,so if she does ever ask me straight out I will tell her the truth.Thanks to everyone who gave me advice.

Good for you! do you feel any better? Im glad you kept us up to date. You could have easily just ignored the situation so congrats for having the courage for stepping up and saying something.:)

It will prob just start more drama! 11 years is along time I would just leave it the past. I went through something similar I messed around with my bestfriends girl and he found out 3 years later from someone she told. He thought about killing himself afterwards. I know it can be hard to live with. It sucks having it on your mind when your talking to them about similar things. I just don't think its worth it since she's not with the guy anymore! She prob don't even want to think about him! Some things are best untold

You opened the door, said a lot of important things & she got to tell you she understands. That was an excellent way to deal with the situation. :)