You see, he came up about three months ago.. I live in Oregon, and he lived in Nevada. Things were good.. until about two weeks when he broke his arm.. I was there taking him to the ER.. I stayed there by his side the whole time.. I stayed up that whole night helping him out and crying..

the Doctor said his arm would heal on its own, and it has.
a great deal amount..

but then his mom calls yesterday, telling him she wants him to head back home..
she said she wants him to have surgery back in Nevada..
he doesn't need the surgery though.. so now I'm confused..

I love the guy, but he even told me...
if I don't go with him... then we won't work..

I just found this all out yesterday, like I said..
I haven't ate since then.. I haven't slept. My stomachs in knots..
I don't want to loose him.. I even told him that..

but I don't know what I should do?

this is BIG for me..
to pack up and leave..
when he doesn't need to leave for the surgery..

please help me out.. ="(

I don't think you should do anything you don't want to do. If your boyfriend lets his mother have that much control over his life maybe he's not ready for a girlfriend. If your feelings mean as much to him as his mean to you, he won't make you do something that will make you unhappy. You should talk to him and let him know how you feel about moving. I'm sure everything will work out for the best for you. If he's willing to lose you so he can go with his mother, there's another guy out there for you. Good luck!

Its always so much easier on the answering side, but imsointoyou is right. He gave you an ultimatum, one that makes you choose between what you want and what he wants. If he can't accept that you are a unique individual with your own needs and wants, when will he learn? When will his next ultimatum come. And something you'll probably think of when your older, how will he raise his kids?

His mom has control of the son... so you're stuck =/

If he says "he can't go out with you, the relationship won't work," that's pretty ridiculous...

Why would anyone say that? I'm confused with that part =/
Find a better boyfriend.

Let him go home for a while by himself. I'm betting he'll come back! If he doesn't, he was not a good boyfriend. But I think he'll come back. Dry your tears and be calm and confident. Don't uproot yourself on a moment's notice. That's an unreasonable thing to ask of you. In time, if you are still together, you can decide thoughtfully where you both want to live. But this is something that gets worked out together calmly, not with people throwing ultimatums around. Hang in there, dear!

What are your ages?

What are your jobs?'

What was he doing in Oregon other than dating you?

Where did he live in Oregon?

Where will he live in Nevada?

When he asks you to go to Nevada, what does that mean? To live with him? His mom?

How weird is all of this?

What is your first, honest response to his asking you to come to Nevada?

Why do you think he says "you two won't make it" if you don't go to Nevada? Is he being controlling, or just maturely honest?

I don't think you should do anything you don't want to do. If your boyfriend lets his mother have that much control over his life maybe he's not ready for a girlfriend. If your feelings mean as much to him as his mean to you, he won't make you do something that will make you unhappy. You should talk to him and let him know how you feel about moving. I'm sure everything will work out for the best for you. If he's willing to lose you so he can go with his mother, there's another guy out there for you. Good luck!





I have let him know how I feel about moving..
But it just makes matters worse.. he told me that if I don't go with him..
Then I must not care or love him like I say I do..

His mom has control of the son... so you're stuck =/

If he says "he can't go out with you, the relationship won't work," that's pretty ridiculous...

Why would anyone say that? I'm confused with that part =/
Find a better boyfriend.




I don't know what he meant by that either...
but.. I'm pretty sure it has a lot to do with the fact that if he does go home.
we won't get to see each other... unless I go visit him.. or until he gets better
and visits.. but he said that it won't happen a lot.. him visitng me.. and I told him I understand..
I told that him that I'll go see him then.. he told me no because he doesn't want
me going alone. So I said how about I bring a friend then.. he told me no again...
I really don't know what's going in his head... is that his way of telling me its over? ="(

Let him go home for a while by himself. I'm betting he'll come back! If he doesn't, he was not a good boyfriend. But I think he'll come back. Dry your tears and be calm and confident. Don't uproot yourself on a moment's notice. That's an unreasonable thing to ask of you. In time, if you are still together, you can decide thoughtfully where you both want to live. But this is something that gets worked out together calmly, not with people throwing ultimatums around. Hang in there, dear!




I really hope he does.. because from he told me last night.. he said he doubts he'll be back..
he said that my town has nothing to offer him..
which struck me as funny because he was telling his aunt just the other day.
about how beautiful Oregon was.. ="(

i have tried to be calm and talk it out..
but it seems like i've just been saying all the wrong things..
because he'll get mad and say never mind.. dont come then..
then that just hurts worse...

we yalked about me visiting instead..
he told me no, said he didnt want me to travel alone..
i said what if i bring a friend.. he said no..

im really at the end of my rope..
i dont know what to do.. ="(

What are your ages?

What are your jobs?'

What was he doing in Oregon other than dating you?

Where did he live in Oregon?

Where will he live in Nevada?

When he asks you to go to Nevada, what does that mean? To live with him? His mom?

How weird is all of this?

What is your first, honest response to his asking you to come to Nevada?

Why do you think he says "you two won't make it" if you don't go to Nevada? Is he being controlling, or just maturely honest?





I'm 21 and he'll be 20 next month, sept 10th.

I'm a secretary, and he was working at safeway until he got laid off

He was in Oregon to try and start a new fresh life, he said he did things in Nevada that he still regrets.. and wanted us to have a life together.

My mom let him stay at our house for about 50 bucks a month..

He'll be living back his parents house in Nevada, when he goes back.

When he asked me to go to Nevada with him, he wants me to live with him at his moms.

All of this is very weird.. its not how I saw our time together up here going.. not at all.

My first response was sitting there at first.. then I remember crying... him asking why?
Me trying my best to answer him.. and him going never mind.. don't come..

I really don't know what he means by that...
But I do know he told me that if I don't go...
Then I must not care about him, or love him
Like I've said all this time...
We've almost made it a year together..

i told that him that i'll go see him then.. he told me no because he dosent want
me going alone. so i said how about i bring a friend then.. he told me no again...
i really dont know whats going in his head... is that his way of telling me its over?? ="(

Shauna, He's being controlling. It's not up to him to tell you whether you can go by yourself or not, whether you can travel with a friend or not. If he's not working with you to find a solution to the problem, but only insisting the only way is his way, he's not cooperating with your effort to find solutions to his problem--that he wants to go home now. Whether he wants to break up or just force you to come with him, I don't know. You could ask him what he wants, but it sounds like he's not able to tell you or just says things on the fly to argue with whatever you propose that isn't what he's asking for.

I still think you should let him go by himself and give you both some space to think this over and calm down. He's not behaving rationally right now and you sound fragile and exhausted by his intensity. The more you say about him, the more I think he might not be good for you.

Shauna, He's being controlling. It's not up to him to tell you whether you can go by yourself or not, whether you can travel with a friend or not. If he's not working with you to find a solution to the problem, but only insisting the only way is his way, he's not cooperating with your effort to find solutions to his problem--that he wants to go home now. Whether he wants to break up or just force you to come with him, I don't know. You could ask him what he wants, but it sounds like he's not able to tell you or just says things on the fly to argue with whatever you propose that isn't what he's asking for.

I still think you should let him go by himself and give you both some space to think this over and calm down. He's not behaving rationally right now and you sound fragile and exhausted by his intensity. The more you say about him, the more I think he might not be good for you.




I was planning on just letting him go down there by himself..
Because he should be heading down there sometime the end of this week..
And it's too soon for me to just pack up and leave.. I have a job..

And trust me.. I am exhausted...
I tried so badly to eat yesterday.. and couldn't.. it only made me feel worse..
I've been so depressed from all this...

My mom even gave me some advice to think over before I decide what I'm going to do.
She told me. "whats stopping him from telling you the next time you guys fight that he wants you to go back home? or he tells you to leave? your going to be stuck down there with no money. And it seems like he's playing an emotional game with you. to see how much he can get to you."

That right there made me ask him if I could just visit..
And that's when he told me no..

But that he'll proly visit..
He said it won't be that many visits..
And I understand.. he said he wants to finish his schooling
And everything down there.. then he said he'll think about coming up
When I asked him if he will..

It takes a LOT of peripheral things to work out along with the standard "oooh, we like each other" for a couple to make a go. You two are desperately trying to make something out of this failing situation. As it fails, he is getting more and more mean... the only straw left in his pack, apparently.

Grace takes years to acquire, probably too much to expect from an unemployed 20 year old.

You two had fun. STRUGGLE to make this parting a pleasant one, and learn what you can from this.

Dating is supposed to fun and informative.
To remain objective in the dating "tryout", you can't live with your applicant(s)
When you hear "if you don't do ______, then you don't love me", it's already over, nobody who thinks/talks like that is going to give you peace...ever.
How you feel about someone only gets the ball going, how they act, how you ARE together, THAT'S what is important to measure during dating.
Most relationships will end, learning to end them gracefully and as gently as possible is a reflection of how well you managed the steps above.

i really hope he does.. because from he told me last night.. he said he doubts he'll be back..
he said that my town has nothing to offer him..
which struck me as funny because he was telling his aunt just the other day.
about how beautiful oregon was.. ="(

i have tried to be calm and talk it out..
but it seems like i've just been saying all the wrong things..
because he'll get mad and say never mind.. dont come then..
then that just hurts worse...

we yalked about me visiting instead..
he told me no, said he didnt want me to travel alone..
i said what if i bring a friend.. he said no..

im really at the end of my rope..
i dont know what to do.. ="(

It's not you who is saying "all the wrong things." It's him. He is consistently behaving in a way that is selfish and manipulative. Just to take one example, when he says he doubts he'll be back because Oregon has nothing to offer him, he's just trying to hurt you. Who is he to say that an entire state--especially one with you in it--has nothing to offer him? What nerve! And obviously, it's not even true for him, since he stayed a year and Oregon IS beautiful. Everything he is saying to you is like that, intended to pressure you and make you feel like he can take you or leave you and if you want him you have to do exactly what he wants. Well, you don't have to do exactly what he wants, and no reasonable boyfriend would insist on that.

I'm really glad you are young because even though this hurts now--and I know it does--I think you may be better off without him. To answer your original question, definitely stay in Oregon and keep your job. I think your mother has a good point too. One thing he may try this week is to cause conflict between you and your mother. Don't let him do that. Just be as kind to him as you can right now, given the way he's behaving. Don't let him bully you into any rash decisions. Try not to let him make you cry anymore. Be strong for yourself. Take one day at a time.

It takes a LOT of peripheral things to work out along with the standard "oooh, we like each other" for a couple to make a go. You two are desperately trying to make something out of this failing situation. As it fails, he is getting more and more mean...the only straw left in his pack, apparently.

Grace takes years to acquire, probably too much to expect from an unemployed 20 year old.

You two had fun. STRUGGLE to make this parting a pleasant one, and learn what you can from this.

Dating is supposed to fun and informative.
To remain objective in the dating "tryout", you can't live with your applicant(s)
When you hear "if you don't do ______, then you don't love me", it's already over, nobody who thinks/talks like that is going to give you peace...ever.
How you feel about someone only gets the ball going, how they act, how you ARE together, THAT'S what is important to measure during dating.
Most relationships will end, learning to end them gracefully and as gently as possible is a reflection of how well you managed the steps above.





I had a gut feeling that it was going to come to this..
I just thought in my head that maybe I'm just over reacting from being so
emotionaly and physically exhausted...

take the other night for example...
he was telling me how he shouldn't have gotten me that ring..
(he gave my friend over 2 hundred to find a ring I'l like.. and he set this little thing up for me to find it.. he put it behind the little gorilla he got me from our first valentine.. when I picked up that gorilla and saw that ring.. I was so happy.. =")

now he's saying he never should have baught it..

The list of things you two should never have done, or at least not have done YET is probably a lengthy list.

He's right, he shouldn't have gotten you a ring.

It's not you who is saying "all the wrong things." It's him. He is consistently behaving in a way that is selfish and manipulative. Just to take one example, when he says he doubts he'll be back because Oregon has nothing to offer him, he's just trying to hurt you. Who is he to say that an entire state--especially one with you in it--has nothing to offer him? What nerve! And obviously, it's not even true for him, since he stayed a year and Oregon IS beautiful. Everything he is saying to you is like that, intended to pressure you and make you feel like he can take you or leave you and if you want him you have to do exactly what he wants. Well, you don't have to do exactly what he wants, and no reasonable boyfriend would insist on that.

I'm really glad you are young because even though this hurts now--and I know it does--I think you may be better off without him. To answer your original question, definitely stay in Oregon and keep your job. I think your mother has a good point too. One thing he may try this week is to cause conflict between you and your mother. Don't let him do that. Just be as kind to him as you can right now, given the way he's behaving. Don't let him bully you into any rash decisions. Try not to let him make you cry anymore. Be strong for yourself. Take one day at a time.





He told me that he would be jepordizing his education up here.. and that his town has much more to offer him there..

Oh, trust me I won't let him cause conflict between me and mother.. she even said that he is.
Manipulative too.. so she knows how he is..

He just has a few of my family members thinking it would be good for me to go down
There with him.. but after that talk with my mom.. I know it won't be..

The list of things you two should never have done, or at least not have done YET is probably a lengthy list.

He's right, he shouldn't have gotten you a ring.




It sure is a lengthy list...
I really thought he was the one...
So I did more things with him..
No matter what they were, to be with him..


Is it wrong of me to want to forget
What we did together?

Because as is... I can't take anymore heartache and pain..

he told me that he would be jepordizing his education up here.. and that his town has much more to offer him there..

oh, trust me i wont let him cause conflict between me and mother.. she even said that he is.
manipulative too.. so she knows how he is..

he just has a few of my family members thinking it would be good for me to go down
there with him.. but after that talk with my mom.. i know it wont be..

Jeopardizing education?

Oregon has better universities than Nevada...

Excuses excuses excuses~ get a better guy... he's not worth anything

Jeopardizing education?

Oregon has better universities than Nevada....

Excuses excuses excuses~ get a better guy... he's not worth anything





That's funny you say that about him..
About the whole, "excuses" thing...

When I tried to talk to him..
And explain things to him..
He told me to quit giving him them..

Yeah, I agree with JB to just make the good bye as pleasant as possible. No more excuses and accusations flying. Just be polite and say good bye.

It's understandable and healthy to not want to dwell on the good parts right now, but don't erase it all from your heart. Even a relationship that ends badly, and should end, had some good in it.

Yeah, I agree with JB to just make the good bye as pleasant as possible. No more excuses and accusations flying. Just be polite and say good bye.

It's understandable and healthy to not want to dwell on the good parts right now, but don't erase it all from your heart. Even a relationship that ends badly, and should end, had some good in it.




yeah... its just so hard to keep it together right now...
he called me... and I can't stop crying.. but I am trying to keep it somewhat together..

its just difficult.. ="(

because like you said.. I got to be polite and calm.. but I cant...

I can't do calm...
as soon as I got off the phone I broke down...
he's pulling the nice card and ordering me food to be deliverd at my work..

It's totally fine for you to feel the pain of this reality. It is what it is. Don't let anyone, including yourself, beat you up for your emotional response. Let it happen.

Feel it as long as you have to. In the end, this is the stuff that makes you stronger, wiser, lets you stand taller next time because you're better prepared.

Nothing is as educational as experience. We give advice here hoping to help in the aftermath, but you are the one being burned in the fires of learning. You are being refined, you're become of purer heart and that means it's worth it.

Don't seek calm, let the storm flow now, now is its time. Our shoulders are here as best as they can be.

But when its time has passed, take your control back, your new stronger/wiser/experienced control.

You are SO going to be OK.

It's totally fine for you to feel the pain of this reality. It is what it is. Don't let anyone, including yourself, beat you up for your emotional response. Let it happen.

Feel it as long as you have to. In the end, this is the stuff that makes you stronger, wiser, lets you stand taller next time because you're better prepared.

Nothing is as educational as experience. We give advice here hoping to help in the aftermath, but you are the one being burned in the fires of learning. You are being refined, you're become of purer heart and that means it's worth it.

Don't seek calm, let the storm flow now, now is its time. Our shoulders are here as best as they can be.

But when its time has passed, take your control back, your new stronger/wiser/experienced control.

You are SO going to be OK.




Thank you =)

thank you all for what you have said..
you all have helped me figure out what I need to do.
yeah, its proly going to hurt..
but life is pain.. and I'm starting to see why.

so once again.
thank you all so much for your wise words.

If you want to leave him just sit him down and tell him comely. Don`t hesitate!

:)

I would say if you have nothing to lose and are up for adventure as opposed to stability go for it
I can understand him saying go with me or forget it long distance relationships are a hassle
I can understand him wanting you to decide and then live with it

BUT
It does sound like he is playing manipulative games
It does sound like he is making excuses and trying to make it look like you are
It does sound like he gives in to mom too easily
It does sound like mom may not even like you being there and make it difficult on you to the point you want to leave.

thats funny you say that about him..
about the whole, "excuses" thing...

when i tried to talk to him..
and explain things to him..
he told me to quit giving him them..


It's true... I have a 22 year old female friend, living in Aloha, Oregon, attending college~

Also, if he's being anal about "quit giving him them" attitude... dump him

Obviously, he's too shallow... like my ex

She gives a bunch of reasons we shouldn't date:
1. I'm "too good" for her.. find a girl whose closer to me
2. University time killed our relationship
3. I don't have feelings for you anymore
4. I want to "experience" single life again

Yeh... stupid reasons, right?
I told her off... don't come back to me crying and asking me to take you back when I got myself popular

I would say if you have nothing to lose and are up for adventure as opposed to stability go for it
I can understand him saying go with me or forget it long distance relationships are a hassle
I can understand him wanting you to decide and then live with it

BUT
It does sound like he is playing manipulative games
It does sound like he is making excuses and trying to make it look like you are
It does sound like he gives in to mom too easily
It does sound like mom may not even like you being there and make it difficult on you to the point you want to leave.




I know long distance relationships are a hassle..
That's how it was for us for 9 months..
Before he even came up to Oregon..
And those 9 months were tough, but I never gave up on us.

And I actually did have the feeling that his mom
Might not want me to be there to help him out..
Just from the little things he's told me that she has
Said to him. But he then says his family wants me to come.
Because they want to meet me..

But my mom gave me the heads up,
What if we get into a little fight.
When things start to get rough for him,
And he tells me its over, and wants me to leave.
I'll be stuck down there.. without money, and food, and shelter.

It's true... I have a 22 year old female friend, living in Aloha, Oregon, attending college~

Also, if he's being anal about "quit giving him them" attitude.... dump him

Obviously, he's too shallow... like my ex

She gives a bunch of reasons why we shouldn't date:
1. I'm "too good" for her.. find a girl whose closer to me
2. University time killed our relationship
3. I don't have feelings for you anymore
4. I want to "experience" single life again

Yeh... stupid reasons, right?
I told her off.... don't come back to me crying and asking me to take you back when I got myself popular





That's one of the things he told me the last time we fought..
And we had talks of breaking up. He said that he's not good
Enough for me, and that he hopes I can find someone better.

But you are right..
Those are pretty stupid reasons.