Hi everyone,

First off, I just want to say thanks to everyone for sharing their insight, experience and stories. I just found this site 2 days ago, and am reading everything I can. Its very therapeutic.

I will share my situation with all of you – though I am pretty certain I know what you will all advise and say. I just need someone to kick me in the butt.

I’m 32, she’s 31. My dating history comprises a single 7 year relationship and a bunch of smaller less meaningful ones. She however admits to being the serial girlfriend and has always been with someone. (Flag #1)

I had exited my previous relationship of 7+ years earlier in January. Experience now tells me that it was probably 2 years longer than it should have been but our break was mutual and now we remain friends and it is clear there is zero hope of getting back together. She exited her relationship in January as well. Though I don’t know the length or reasons, I suspect she was hurt by it. We met in March on eharmony and I had been seeing her for the past 5 months.

To complicate matters, I am of asian descent here on the Canadian westcoast. She is a recent Anglo-Aussie immigrant. We live in the most ethnically diverse and visibly interracial relationship city in Canada and likely North America. We’re both professionally employed though in different fields.

We took things slowly and saw each other only twice a week though we talked daily. We did not have sex. She even asked if it bothered me that I wasn’t getting any, and I said no – I was quite content to wait for her to be mentally and emotionally ready for it. (Flag #2)

This week Wednesday, we met for lunch near her work. She returned a dvd I previously loaned her and had lunch. Before we departed, we walked outside and she basically spilled it out. She said that she was not ready for a relationship and that her head was not in the right place and that she couldn’t feel anything for me. She said that she felt as if she was wasting my time and that it was unfair to me. She said that I was doing everything right and that it was not my fault. She didn’t know why I liked her, that she was a cold bi*ch and that I was not getting any. I was stunned. She had to get back to work so we agreed to meet after work the next day.

Next day, we met after work, and I had pre-planned questions that I needed answered. I again asked her if it was me. Was it me or a chemistry issue? She said no. Were there other people involved? Did she simply want to date around? She again said no. She had done all that and was no longer interested in dating other people. So of course the next logical question was what about the ex’s. Had one come back into the picture? She said no – and that she wanted nothing to do with her ex’s but that did not include me. She told me the reasons she gave me day before were real and honest. She had a plan to be married by 27 and kids by 30 and she pointed out that she had failed to meet both goals. She mentioned again that she has always been someone’s girlfriend and she no longer knew who she was and wanted and needed time to find herself. She needed to know what it meant to be by herself.

To me this sounds like she has emotional baggage that she had not resolved before we met. (Flag #3). I think she has commitment issues and fears abandonment. She handed me back a pendant that I had recently given her because she could no longer accept it (she had worn everyday since I gave it to her). I declined and told her to keep it. I bought it for her with the best of intentions – I wanted her to keep it.

She walked me back to my car and we said our byes. She asked if bye meant for her to never contact me again. In my emotional state, I said I wouldn’t want that. Then a stupid crow pooped on me. She wiped me off with some tissues I had in the car. We hugged and she was ready to turnaround. I stopped her and told her that I would wait her as long as I could but could not promise how long I could wait and that when she is ready for a relationship, that she would know how to get hold of me. Her face lit up, and she asked if if I really meant that. I told her I did and she smiled. And she turned around and walked away.

I came home feeling like crap and right away sent her a short goodbye email with the last sentence again telling her I’d wait but not forever and have been NC ever since. Friday and Saturday were really rough. I replayed the goodbye scenario a 100+ times in my head. Today is a bit better.

Based on what I now see, I think she does have commitment issues. I think she was hurt by her ex’s and has put up these walls to protect herself and realizes its unfair to be blocking me out because she can’t open herself up to me. Her comment about being herself and wanting to be independent also has merit.

So here I am on the outside looking in and feeling bummed out. For those of you who were serial girlfriends/boyfriends, does what she said ring a bell? It's a personal state that you have to get through yourself isn’t it? I will respect the NC and not contact her. She's not contacted me either, but this is hard.

Just from what you've written, it sounds like she is a great girl, and just needs to be alone for awhile, to think about what she really wants in life. I think she has realised that since she has never really had to be alone, and she always ends up in another relationship right away, that maybe she should try and be single for awhile to see how it feels. Maybe she wants to take the time to think, so she doesn't jump in with both feet again, and make the same mistakes with you, that she has made in her previous relationships, and then losing you too.

Give her some time to be with herself for awhile, so she can comtemplate her past relationships. This doesn't mean you have to sit and put your life on hold for her though. Go on a few more dates. I don't mean go out and sleep around until she makes up her mind, but don't sit and wait for the phone to ring. A hard thing to do I know, but it isn't going to do you any good.

I really don't see anything you did wrong, unless you gave her the impression that you were going to be sitting at home for the next decade, crying your eyes out waiting for her. It doesn't sound like that is what you did to me. But if you did, here's your kick in the butt! ;)

So sorry you're hurting, and I know how that feels. Hope everything works out well, whichever way it's meant to happen! :)

I think she does have commitment issues.

"bananaboy" you're right,she has commitment issues :(

She is stuck in the past,and as a result finds it very difficult to "open up" to you.


Her comment about being herself and wanting to be independent also has merit.

Although in a healthy relationship this should be the case [independance & other friends]
I believe she wanted this SO much,that she wanted [but couldn't] have a
Relationship with you :(

Just because she doesn't want a relationship at this time with you, doesn't mean she has issues, as before you didn't think so. One thing to know for the future, is that most relationships don't work after a while, and they just break up.

Your lucky your ex was honest, and knew what she wanted, and took actions on it, and was nice, and sincere about it.

Take it for what it is and don't read all kinds of excuses into it. Enjoy the memories, and move on. Sometimes to protect ourselves, and our hearts, we do find some fault with our ex partners, because we are hurt, and shocked at being rejected.

In the long run, we come to realize that they didn't feel as we did, and nothing we could have done to change it. Been through a few of those myself, and after the dust settles, you'll see things a little differently.

Thanks to everyone for their input. Its really helped.

Time for a small update. Yesterday was okay. Work kept me really occupied although whenever I had moment to myself, I still relapsed and found myself again thinking about the goodbye scenario. Since the last Friday, I've probably logged 12+ hours scrolling through this website and others like it and found much comfort in knowing that the pain is temporary (hard but temporary) and that you can only emerge stronger, better and wiser.

I took my first step yesterday in registering for a fitness bootcamp that starts in 2 weeks. I used to be extremely fit and let myself go the last few years. I've become soft and its time to get that back. I also signed up for a golf tournament next week and booked my European vacation with one of my buddies for mid-October.

As I drove into the office this morning, I was reflecting on what I could learn from this experience and in many ways, I think I appreciate her taking this time for herself. In many ways, I think I needed this too - because it forced to think about what I could do for myself. There's no doubt I miss her, but I'm no good to anyone, if I don't look out for me first, otherwise I become a burden to those around me.

Okay, back to work - I just needed to get this out of my system.

Feel free to vent here anytime, as long as it helps with the healing process

I'm sure its wrong to think this way, but right now, as hurt as I am, I don't hate her for what she did. She saids that she needs to rediscover herself. Fine go do that if that really is what she needs to do.

I think I would find it a lot easier for me to accept and move on if she was indeed seeing someone else on the sly or got back together with an ex. BTW, I think her last 2 ex's are now married or got someone pregnant on the rebound, probably why she's hurting. Hate and disgust probably doesn't heal, only forgiveness can do that, but it sure would stop the pain pretty quickly.

Today is the 6th day and still NC, and I'm going to keep it that way. Hope I don't go off the rails, but you can all kick me if I do.

Everyone falls off the track at least once, then you get ticked off at yourself and then get serious about the whole NC thing.

I agree with Tal she doesn't have commitment issues but she had more personal issues over anything. You'll have to take it one day at time and soon your get better feel less bummed. After reading your original post I did laugh about the cow pooped.

Yeah we were hugging under a tree and the bugger nailed me in the back of the shirt. I swear they were laughing at me...

But I'm no good to anyone, if I don't look out for me first, otherwise I become a burden to those around me.

Yes,exactly,& well done on the no contact.

I agree with Tal she doesn't have committment issues but she had more personal issues over anything. You'll have to take it one day at time and soon your get better feel less bummed. After reading your original post I did laugh about the cow pooped.

I'm sorry, I just had to comment because I'm LMAO. I'm not making fun of you, I know it was just a typo, but you said a "cow" pooped on him. It REALLY would have been a bad day if a flying cow pooped on his head! Again, I'm sorry, but just picturing that in my head gave me the biggest laugh I've had all week! :D We all need some comic relief right!

Time for an update.

Well, its been a month since it happened and almost 3 weeks since I came back to this site.

I was successful at NC for the first 10 days. Then I caved and msg'd her online. Nothing about us - in fact she had some market information re. the local real estate market and I genuinely needed to touch base w/ her because I am also in the market and looking. I've msg'd her maybe 4 times over the last month - and it had nothing to do with us. Each time she's responded with answers to my queries. She has not initiated contact w/ me at all.

I just wanted to say that this is hard. Boot camp is hard, but this NC or what I call LC is harder. Its clear that I still have an emotional attachment and that's not going to change anytime soon, but I am getting better and am certainly better than where I was 3 weeks ago.

The question I have is when do you know that you have moved on? Some people would argue that you never really do and that deep inside, it will always be there just repressed. Others would argue that it's that point where you don't give a f*** about what she does or who she's with. I find it hard to believe that I will ever get to that point (or maybe I will, and just don't know it yet).

Regarding my ex-ex, she and I are clearly friends. I certainly do care about her and see her from time to time but its strictly platonic now. I know she's seeing some and am genuinely happy for her and wish her no ill will at all. I'm sure her parents really despise me but that's totally different issue.

What am I missing here?

If I understand, your LC means "limited contact." I think you are only going to torture yourself more by doing that. There is no "set" time to 'get over' a relationship, but if you are still in contact, you are only prolonging the hurt!

You are waiting for her to change her mind... I can tell that you are. You can lie to yourself as long as you want, but that really is the bottom line right? It's a good thing that you only want the best for her, but why not the best for you?

As I'm writing this, I am eating my own words to some extent, but it is always easier being on the outside looking in. ;) But it is that little voice in your head, and the feeling in your gut, that tells you that this is not good for you.

Waiting on her will do you no good! If she decides she has made a mistake and comes back with a legitimate care and concern for you, then that's great. BUT, DO NOT sit around and wait for her to do that. Accept it as it is right now. You will never get over her if you still stay attached. It just doesn't work that way.

Good luck! :)

Starbuck, thanks for your comments and I know you're right. I, like you, have probably told more than one friend exactly what you're telling me now, I'm just being hypocritical in not doing what I myself tell others to do.

It is easier said than done.

That said, I have recommitted to the NC, deleted my Skype account, and removed her from my Facebook and phone. Someone else suggested writing down that info and put it away somewhere until I can discard it. That I've done.

The last month has been a whirlwind of activity for me though. I've joined a fitness bootcamp and feel better than I have in years (physically anyways). I've booked my 3 week vacation to Europe and recently got promoted to partner in my firm - so all is else is good.

I'll try and provide more frequent updates, but yesterday and today were really days, part of the reason I needed to come back and post.

Thanks for the feedback Starbuck. I'll keep plugging along.

You're very welcome! I know all too well that it's easier said than done, but it's harder when you keep in contact. It's good for a rush, but then when the rush goes away you feel worse that you did to begin with.

Have a great time on your vacation! It sounds a little like what I did actually, although plans fell through. I had a trip to Europe planned also. I'm in AB, and I was going to fly out of Calgary to London, and go on a cruise. It's just postponed.

Congrats on your promotion, and your bootcamp regimen. Sounds like you're on the right track! Maybe you'll meet a hot European girl on your vacation! ;)

Keep doing what you're doing, and come back anytime you need to. There is always lots of support here!

Well, its been 3 weeks since I last posted and was doing well for a while but this recent long weekend was brutal for no apparent reason. A day has not gone by where I haven't thought of her and this week has been especially bad – I don't know why. I know there are peaks and valleys, but this week it just feels like I've sunken into a pit. I've been good and maintained the NC for nearly a month now, though it doesn't feel like I've made much progress in that time.

I've been house sitting for a friend while she tours Europe and having her cat for company everyday has been helped immensely. I've also been hanging out with some of my best friends and they've been as supportive as they can, but they're all coupled up and so I always feel like the odd man out. The NHL season is back in full swing again and watching the Canucks smack Flames around was great.

Went on a date with a hottie who has lots of potential, but that's all it was a date and nothing else. I don't think I can take anything too seriously right now with anyone.

Just needed to gripe today. It's a short work week, but it feels like I've done squat at work this week.

I've only got a second, but I'm sorry to hear that the last while has been tough on you! It's a normal thing that unfortunately you have to go through. Try and focus on the new potential, and talk cat language for awhile... lol. They listen and don't care what you talk about! ;) I have to go, but I'll try and check back later.

... and hey! Game on buddy! Don't pick on my Flames! Alberta girl here! :p

You'll push through this storm, and the sun will shine, it always does.

First off dear, sorry that you are down.

The activities you provide for yourself are commendable. Self-improvement is important and it shows that you have regained your self-respect. The holiday weekends and other annual holidays will always get us all - we'll remember our ex partners mostly then, but it's normal and you are doing just fine in your healing process. Starbuck has been a super healing sponsor for you, so just keep us posted and vent whenever you feel down.

Congrats on the promotion, and have a great time here in Europe. Keep looking forward dear, your time will come before you know it no need to go looking, when you are ready it will happen.

As talaniman said in his soothing words, you too will get over this. We promise.



Keep us posted.

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HAPPY HEALING!

Thanks to everyone for their words of encouragement. I KNOW that what you are saying is right - because I myself say the same things to my friends when they go through similar situations. However I also know that however deep down its buried, she will always have place in my heart. She was a part of me. Whether she becomes a part of me again remains to be seen.

Almost immediately after being cut loose, I started doing things that only I can do for myself. Finding this website and perusing the content for days was just the beginning. Bootcamp benefits me. A good body and healthy body is a gift that you can only give yourself.

Somewhere along the way I bought into that. I was never that big to start with, but I've managed to cut my body fat into the low 5% range which already quite low and now need to work on accumulating and building muscle mass. I'll never be like Arnie, not that I would want to be, but I looking and feeling good.

My few single friends are encouraging me join them in your weekly escapades and there is a singles only party this weekend at nearby establishment that I am thinking of attending. Word must have gotten as to my new status, because in the last few days I've been getting messages from individuals of interest that had disappeared for a while. Don't know where that will take me but things are looking up.

That's a enough rambling for now. BTW, Starbuck, the Flames are my second most favourite team. You are the best fans of any city and I love catching the games when in Cowtown.

I'm glad that you are doing things for yourself, and feeling a bit better anyway. Trust me, it sure doesn't happen overnight that you stop thinking of them, and who you remember them to be when there were the good times. Hey, I'm working on 2 yrs now, and still go back to that place once in awhile.

When the Flames won the Stanley Cup, a bunch of us were sitting in my living room watching. I don't live in Calg. but we all jumped in our cars, and had our Flames Flags waving all the way down the Trans Can, on the 3 hr drive, and went down to Electric Ave. and joined in on the madness. It was a blast!! :D

Take that new and refurbished body of yours and go out and party!

Momma C said so..

Enjoy dear.

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<hates the Flames... AVS ALL THE WAY!!

<hates the Flames...AVS ALL THE WAY!!!!

Two Canucks here... you're out numbered! :p

Wow, didn't realize its been over 5 weeks since I last visited. Just thought I'd drop you all an update.

Well, I'm back from vacation, fully recharged and definitely feeling better for myself. Traveled through the UK, France, Switzerland, and Italy, and there's definitely something about being away from work, email and home that helps one move forward. This was one BIG step forward.

Lo' and behold, I get home to 100+ emails, and I get a "welcome home" email from guess who. I waited until the jet lag passed, but I did respond with a very brief and curteous thanks and wished her well on her 6 week vacation back home to the land down under. I know that you're probably sitting there shaking your head and thinking "what are you doing....", but I did break my NC so be it.

The good thing is I'm totally cool with it. Its been nearly 5 months on what was a 6 month relationship. It was time to move on.

Also, after that I met someone new and after several dates, things are certainly looking up. It doesn't hurt that she's a hottie with a very good head on her shoulders. Canucks fan too! Woohoo!

To all of you that are going through a breakup, time is the only factor that will heal you, mentally and otherwise. For some its longer, and for some its shorter, but the key, key variable that will impair your recovery is how long you choose to hold on. I held on, and looking back it was because I believed my situation was different. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't but the fact is that it held me back and I was clinging onto hope. I can't and won't tell you to suck it and stop being a baby about it, but only you can pull yourself out of it. You have to want to stop feeling sorry yourself, close that chapter on your life and start the next one. Take whatever time you want and need, but don't hold on. Its not worth it.

It sounds like you had a really great time! I'm happy for you! :) Hey I would have driven the 10 hrs to Vancouver and gone with you... LOL ;) What a great trip!

I hope the new girl is good to you! If not, you sure know how to handle things the next time around I guess. Now the Canucks thing, well that's a different story! Are you sure you don't want a Flames fan? Go Flames! Haha!

It's good that you are cool with everything now, and you can move on!

Good luck! :)

(Next time a bird poops on your head, run for the hills! Lol )

Its been almost a year since I last visited this site, but thought I'd drop in and say hi to everyone who helped me out with their words of wisdom and encourage though my rough patch last year.

No need to regurgitate the past, but for anybody who is going through a one sided breakup, believe me, life does go on. As each day passes, you will begin to realize that the world's a very big place and that there are more important things to do out there than wallow in self-pity.

For the record, I am celebrating my 8th month anniversary tonight with my girlfriend and she is a phenomenal person. But in order to find her, I had to pick myself off the ground and be me again. Bootcamp and a month in Europe helped, but there is no better feeling than moving on.

If for no one else, do it for yourself. Nobody can do it for you.

Cheers.