Hello all,
I apologize in advance for this being so lengthy! I just want to make sure you get all the facts to be able to hopefully help me out! In a nutshell, I am unhappy in my marriage. I have been with my husband for 6-1/2 years, married for 4-1/2. We have an awesome 3 yr-old daughter. I have been having serious doubts about our relationship since we got engaged (7 months. In). Initially, the problems were because he became very needy, almost like the clichéd woman - always questioning how I felt, how I knew he was the one (I made the mistake of sharing my old diary with him, in which I “knew” time after time, that “this (current) guy is the one”. Eventually, the neediness was toned down, but now I find that I just don’t love him anymore. I questioned my feelings even before we married, but by that point felt like I couldn’t stop things from progressing (I know now, that I should have gotten out while I could). The thing is, I just don’t care about him anymore. I have tried to discuss things with him several times over the past couple years, even telling him that I wasn’t sure that I loved him, and he just goes into “Is this because the bathroom isn’t done? Is this because I played poker last night? Etc….” Then eventually I feel bad and figure, well, it could be worse. Maybe I should just suck it up and deal with it. I understand that passion fades in a marriage, but I have NO desire for any physical contact with him. Obviously, we do have sex - maybe once a week, but I could take it or leave it. We don’t fight a lot, but when we do, he makes me angrier than anyone ever has – and then rehashes the entire discussion, acting like he was the calm, relaxed one and I “flipped out” for no reason. He thinks I am negative because I am realistic, and always need to see all sides of things, and prepare for the worst, just in case. I don’t trust him as far as money is concerned, because we are seriously in debt, but he continues to eat lunch out (when he could brown bag it), buy (4) season NFL tickets (instead of splitting them with his friends/brothers), and just be generally careless with money, while I am trying to save every penny!
I feel like I am staying in this marriage because I have a stable, relatively comfortable life – I am able to stay home with my daughter (since Mar ’05), we have a nice house (even with all the unfinished projects, which is yet another story), and separating would upset everything. BUT, I completely feel like if my husband didn’t come home today, I would not even care. And that’s obviously not how a wife should feel about her husband.
On another note, I have been thinking about my high school sweetheart almost every day for just about our entire relationship. I ran into him back when I was engaged, and now I feel like that was my wake-up call, I should have taken that detour, but I didn’t. I’m sure that my memories are sugar-coated, but I can’t stop thinking about him. Now I know that if I left my husband, I wouldn’t necessarily end up with my hs sweetheart, but I also know that I am willing to take that chance and would rather be alone (with my daughter) than stay in an unhappy marriage.
I know that you are going to recommend counseling, and we have talked about that, but I don’t even want to try anymore. I’d like to go by myself, if anything, and not even tell him I’m going. I know he would go, but I don’t even want him to.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! It’s no secret among my close friends and immediate family that I am not thrilled in my marriage, but I just don’t like to get them too involved. Thanks!

The relationship is already dead in your mind, why continue in it physically?

It sounds like you see your husband as a "wimp".
Can you ever get over that -or will he always be that in your eyes?

You've realized you made a mistake, and it's good to recognize that you have to correct that mistake as best you can. I don't think you'll ever be attracted to your husband like you think you should be - and that will always bother you.

Based on what you've said, if you're not wanting to work on your marrige anymore, the best bet is to make an amicable split and move on with your life.

Doesn't sound like much communication went on especially since you've had these feeling since 7 mo's into the marriage. Since you have already ruled out counselling then the only thing left is to get a lawyer. If you don't want to try any longer why prolong the agony and just tell the guy the truth! 4 years is a long time to live a lie!:cool: :eek:

Thank you, thank you for your input...
I know that it is very important to be true to myself, and when I do that, I know that this is not where I should be. I just want to do right by my daughter, and part of me feels like I should figure out how to make it work (even thought I feel I don't want to) for her sake. The other part of me says what am I teaching her by staying in a marriage that is merely (sometimes barely) tolerant - she will notice one day that I never show any physical affection or love towards her daddy.
There are so many more details - too many to possibly explain. I know I probably sound like a cold-hearted B**, but I really am not. He is no angel - while he doesn't beat me, cheat on me, or drink too much, there are things about him that I don't like. He makes comments all the time (that he swears are just jokes) about women - being bad drivers, being evil, etc. While he says he supports me being home, and knows I work hard, he still barely helps out - unless I ask several times, and drives me crazy by not even cleaning up after himself. Maybe this is a man thing, but it just doesn't work for me.
Thanks again for the input... I don't want to make a mistake, but I also don't want to not make a move because of fear of making a mistake. I just wish I had a crystal ball to help me do the right thing! :)

It was either Ann Landers or Dear Abby who asked the salient question. You need to decide whether you are better off with him or without him. Only you can decide that. Once you do, you will know how to proceed.

ScottGem,
That's the thing - I completely feel like I would be better off without him. I feel like he brings me down - financially, emotionally, and physically. Financially, because he has "champagne taste" and we have "beer pockets" - emotionally, because I so want to be TOTALLY in LOVE, and I am NOT - and physically, because I want to be TOTALLY attracted to my partner, always wanting to be in his arms, etc... and I don't feel that either...
The issue, I guess, is... do I really want to begin the huge hassle & struggle that a divorce will entail? I know that's not what I should be worried about, but I am... also, I don't think I should have to worry about this, but... while I have no problem sharing custody of our daughter (I would NEVER fight that for her sake and for his), he is originally from another state (5 hrs away)... so I have no idea if he would want to move back there (probably), and what that means for custody. Will I get penalized for initiating the divorce as far as custody goes? I ABSOLUTELY will not give up my daughter... you would think that he would stay local to be in her life... but I know he would want to go back...
Perhaps this is a question for a different category..
Thank you again... you have all been more help than you could possibly imagine...

I can't see anything horribly wrong with your husband. He jokes around about women, but most men do. Generally, you just joke back and have a good laugh together. He enjoys splurging on NFL tickets. Most people have *something* that they enjoy splurging on. Spoiling yourself every once in a while helps to make ordinary life more tolerable. Life would be pretty drab and mundane if you devote your entire purpose of living to pinching pennies.

Your husband bought the family a nice home and makes a living comfortable enough to allow you the luxury of staying home with your daughter. He's not very good about helping around the house, but if that's the worst thing you can say about him, that's small potatoes.

It seems that you're simply dissatisfied with your life. Perhaps you're suffering from "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" syndrome. Perhaps, if you get rid of the "dissatisfying" husband, life will suddenly become more satisfying? Perhaps you're just confusing your general feeling of dissatisfaction with no longer feeling in love with your husband. I think your husband is merely the victim in this scenario. You're allowing petty grievances about your married life to overshadow your thinking and thwart your ability to be happy.

If you take the time and effort that you regularly focus on your complaints and redirect that time and effort toward rekindling your love for your hubby and focusing on the positive, you might discover how truly lucky you are. If you spend your time loving, cherishing, and respecting your man instead of focusing on his perceived faults, the rewards will be so amazing that you'll forget you ever had any complaints.

The ball is really in your court. You can make this an amazing, loving, fullfillling marriage--or you can make it the dissatisfying marriage that you want to leave. If it's the latter, be sure to get a job and child care lined up before you go. Take care.

I never said there was anything "horribly wrong" with my husband. And no, there's nothing wrong with having a good laugh together, BUT, when the "jokes" are always sexist and not even remotely funny, then I have an issue with them. I am certainly no prissy, tight-lipped woman - there is not one of my friends or family members that would even remotely describe me that way. I am completely open-minded about pretty much everything.
My husband did not "buy the family a nice home" - we paid for this house and everything else we have together, I worked my entire life up until one year ago, when we could finally afford to get by on one income.
I am by no means a penny pincher either - but when we have credit card debt up to our eyeballs, and can only make minimum monthly payments, and our incoming $$ is exactly what our outgoing $$ is each month, how is it okay to "splurge" with a credit card for $3000??
I know what most men probably don't help out around the house, and the fact that I am home means I will handle the majority of the household chores, but the fact remains that even when I was working 40 hours a week as well, I was STILL doing everything around the house. I don't feel it's my job to clean up after him as well as the other tasks that I handle.
I never said I was so sure that life will be more satisfying without him, that's the chance I take if I leave.
I am NOT constantly focusing on my complaints, I try every day to focus on the positive. I know that I am lucky to be able to stay home with my daughter, BUT, I cannot MAKE myself be madly in love. And I don't think I should have to live every day feeling like I'm wasting my life in a loveless marriage.
I know you are trying to help, but you don't know all the details here, and you don't know my husband or me. Trust me, if I were to annouce to my friends and family that we were separating, not one person would be surprised - and these are people that know both of us very well.
So,thanks for your input, but I have to disagree that it is all on me to make this work. And also, I do know that I will have to go back to work and arrange for child care (lucky for me, I have Grandmom - THAT'S where my life is truly lucky - my awesome, supportive parents)

No, I don't know you personally. I do, however, know a lot of people like you. You are a complainer. It would be nice if you could post something nice about your husband, but I'm not expecting it.

You're kidding me right? I'm starting to think you ARE my husband masquerading as "Debra". I came to this forum for advice - obviously anyone looking for help and/or advice is going to be sharing their issues (or "complaints", in your eyes). You must either be unmarried, or you have found the most wonderful, never-do-wrong man in the world to be your husband. You want some nice things? Okay, he's a wonderful Daddy, he can be funny, he can hold a conversation with anyone, we have a lot of the same interests, and I'm sure there's more. A lot of the people who know him, like him, BUT, they are not married to him. Happy? That's a huge part of my confusion in figuring out what to do - he doesn't do any HORRIBLE things (hit me, drink, gamble, whatever).
It's not easy to admit that I probably made a mistake in getting married, and I came here, sharing my concerns out in the open, to find support and advice, not to be called a "complainer". I am the most laid-back person you could ever meet, but there comes a point where enough is enough.

Why are you pretending to ask for help since it is obvouis you don't want help. You either merely wish to feel sorry for yourself, or find someone here to justify you leaving him, so you can "blame us for you leaving"

Well wake up and smell some coffee. Marriage takes a lot of work, and yep lots of boring times. You have made a dream relationship with someone that does not exist, you are living in a non real world. That hunk from your past would be just as boring, just as dull in 7 years also. Do you know there is even a term called the 7 year itch. Normally this is the time peroid that many couples offten cheat on one or the other or both.

So you said you don't want counseling, ( what is really needed to make it work). Your real world after leaving your husband would not be the fairly tale, most likely you would find someone who also had divorced and then you bring your problems and his problems and your ex problems and so life is even harder to deal with.

I wold say that if you want this marriage to work, then work on it, if not, stop lying to yourself. But if you don't try and make this one work, don't blame anyone but yourself, since you are 1/2 of the people having the problem

Hi jerseygirl,
I think what some of these people are trying to say is it sounds like you have already made up your mind. You are not happy, you don't want to work on it, you wish you hadn't gotten married, but now this is familiar and safe. Right? I think Fr Chuck is right, there is the 7 year itch, there will be boring times and I know marriage is not the fairy-tale we all wish it could be. You will find that the grass is always greener on the other side and when you get there, it will still look greener on the other side. I don't think anyone can give you any advice you don't already know. You will have to decide and take responsibility for that decision. We all do and it's never easy. Good luck with figuring it out.

I'm afraid I have to go along with Debra and Fr. Chuck on this one. You've admitted that he doesn't do anything horrible such as drink excessively or beat you. So what's the problem? OK, so he's not Prince Charming but nobody is. You call yourself "realistic" but I'm not sure you are. It does sound like maybe he's a little naïve when it comes to household finances. Are you the one who handles the finances of your household? Maybe you should take it upon yourself to educate him a little about the basics of budgeting. Show him how and where the money is spent each month (for mortgage, car payments, utilities, etc.) Show him the credit card bills where it outlines the balance due and the minimum monthly payment and how the finance charges accrue on unpaid balances. By making him a little more aware in this regard you may curb his urge to splurge if it is in fact hurting your budget and causing you to fall into unmanageable debt. Incidentally, the amount of $$$ going in is the amount of $$$ that goes out for most families. Not an ideal situation I know but one of the harsh realities of life.

No, I don't know you personally. I do, however, know a lot of people like you. You are a complainer. It would be nice if you could post something nice about your husband, but I'm not expecting it.


I really don't think its fair to say that Jerseygirl is a "complainer". Obviously she came here looking for advice on something that is bothering her. I think anyone here that comes to this forum to seek guidance or advice on an issue that is causing them turmoil in their lives should be treated with a little more respect. Despite what you may feel about her situation.. its not right to lable her as a "complainer".. no one knows what she is dealing with in her life.. and who are we to judge. We are all here to give advice, guidance not judgement.

Jerseygirl... if you really do feel this strongly about this then maybe you should seek out at least a separation even if temporary. Find out if you can really live without your hubby.. usually a separation tends to put things in perspective and it either helps you realize that you really do love this person or it shows you what you already know. Either way you need to find out for yourself. It's the only way. If you don't try at least that you will only feel resentment and probably will still have the same questions you have now. You need to be happy... sometimes taking risks at something... even though could be messy)... tend to point you in the right direction. I hope everything works out for you.

It's not easy to admit that I probably made a mistake in getting married, and I came here, sharing my concerns out in the open, to find support and advice, not to be called a "complainer". I am the most laid-back person you could ever meet, but there comes a point where enough is enough.

I believe that I did give you advice:



.. . You're allowing petty grievances about your married life to overshadow your thinking and thwart your ability to be happy.

If you take the time and effort that you regularly focus on your complaints and redirect that time and effort toward rekindling your love for your hubby and focusing on the positive, you might discover how truly lucky you are. If you spend your time loving, cherishing, and respecting your man instead of focusing on his perceived faults, the rewards will be so amazing that you'll forget you ever had any complaints.

The ball is really in your court. You can make this an amazing, loving, fullfillling marriage--or you can make it the dissatisfying marriage that you want to leave. If it's the latter, be sure to get a job and child care lined up before you go. Take care.

My advice to you was totally unappreciated. You voiced several complaints about everything I said. Most of your statements were contradictory. You finally complained:


And I don't think I should have to live every day feeling like I'm wasting my life in a loveless marriage.

I feel very sad for your hubby. If he knew you felt you were wasting your life by spending it with him, I'm sure he would show you the door. And perhaps my opinion is biased because I've been with my man for seven years and I love him dearly. He has imperfections. He tells bad jokes too. If I picked him apart, I suppose I could complain 24/7 about his flaws--but I choose not to. I understand that I have imperfections too, and he could spend 24/7 complaining about me--but he doesn't. We just love each other--flaws and all--and we're truly blessed to have found each other.

If you can't love and respect your man, then let him go. He doesn't deserve to live his life in a farce of a marriage. He deserves to live his life with a woman who feels blessed to have him. By hanging onto him, you're depriving him of true love and happiness. You're not doing him any favors by "wasting your life" by living it with him.

Hi, JerseyGirl,
After all the answers you have received, you still really have 3 options:
1. Stay with him, no changes
2. Try getting him to go with you to Marriage Counseling.
3. See a lawyer, start Separation proceedings.

Personally, I do feel that your happiness is what's important. I'm not saying all marriage are like this, but some are to the point where one partner is not happy, and can't see any changes, getting to the point of being happy.
If being happy in life is really important to you, then think about getting out.
I do wish you the best, and good luck.

ScottGem,
That's the thing - I completely feel like I would be better off without him. I feel like he brings me down - financially, emotionally, and physically.

I think, therefore, you have answered your own question. Yes divorce can be a hassle, but it seems to have gotten easier and less expensive.

Hi, JerseyGirl,
I am not sure, personally, if you have answered your own question, neither agreeing with or disagreeing with the previous answer.
But, you have taken some very important steps in explaining your situation. Taking the first steps is important, because you are now brining it "out into the open", or at least on a forum.
The next steps are, as you know, up to you. I do wish you the best in your choice of how to handle the situation. I went through a Divorce many years ago, and got over it. I was much, much better off, but it didn't really seem like it at the time! Been married 29 yrs now; wouldn't trade it for anything.

Sounds like you are just bored with your life. Being an at home mom can drive you crazy enough-especially with a three year old-not that you don't love it. But, do you get out much? By yourself? Away from your husband and daughter? Do you have close friends you can go do things with on your own from time to time? If you were away from him a little more often and actually got out to see the real world, you may grow to appreciate him more and find yourself actually wanting to be with him. Sounds crazy but it is true. As everyone is saying-no one is perfect, even yourself. After a while we all pick things about each other that get on each other's nerves because we are around each other all the time and you start to notice things after a while that you did not at first. My man farts, picks his nose (sometimes-only when he thinks no one is looking :) )and sometimes inconsiderate-but those moments when he holds me in his arms and tells me he loves me and that I am beautiful... It's like he never did those disgusting things at all. It's called unconditional love and if you never had that-you should have never gotten married. And if you did have it at one time that you know of for certain-then it is still there-just lost. Because when you truly love someone-you just don't stop.
Whether you care or not, I am on your side. But quite honestly, maybe the problem is within yourself. You don't sound like you are too happy with yourself. Your man sounds like a good guy, and when you get out there in the real world and see and hear of all these women who are in bad relationships with true jerks, good luck finding another man who was as good as your husband.

Jerseygirl, I want you to know that you should feel comfortable posting here, and it is great that you had the courage to admit that both of you have made mistakes in the relationship. If you really feel like you can't work things out anymore than you SHOULD end things. If he makes you genuinly unhappy then it would be better for your daughter to end it. Faking your way through a marriage and pretending to be happy will eventually catch up with you and your daughter will someday see right through it, as well as your husband. You don't want her to resent you for that, instead you should just be honest with everyone and do what makes the most sense.
People make mistakes, we are only human.
Don't let anyone make you feel bad for needing a place to vent, that is what this website is here for. I wish you the best of luck in your decision, but if you think things through, and don't make any hasty decisions, and are honest, everything should work out for you and your daughter. God Bless.

Dear jerseygirl, you pretty much made your point in the first post and I understand exactly how you feel. I did the same the first time around and stayed together because of the baby. I realize now that this was the wrong thing to do, and my daughter later, at the age of 22 told me that I should not have done this for her.

Kids soak in and understand things a lot more than what most people think, and if you are unhappy, don't stay because of the child.

The world in it's social structure today, is well established to handle 'single and/or patchwork' families and parents. It's not such a stigma at school anymore to be a child of split parents. Therefore, if you can part on good terms, with visitation rights for your daughter - who can gain by traveling if need be - as long as she knows that both Mom and dad love her and that this had nothing to do with her. So, do what you have to do, and please don't 'fight' for rights that are natural as soon as the child is born. You both love her and should be able to share the valuable time with her to help her develop into a healthy, and happy young woman without the stress. This will also teach her not to make sudden choices such as you did, for whatever reason.

Think now of the future of your child and work on helping her together, no matter what your issues. I'm sure that 'dad' would agree to a clean split, and yes, it will hurt, but it's better than living a lie. This he will realize one day and be better off for it as he might also have a chance to find someone he deserves.

Look and communicate about the positive side of this split-up and you just might all wind up winners.

Good luck to you, and please keep us posted.


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OMG we need to talk. I read your post and it sounds exactly like the one I just posted. I too am married 6 years.. have two kids, and not 100% happy with him. Same time I am still in love with someone from HS. It would be awesome if you would want to chat about it... its relieving to know I am not alone!! I have thought about this other guy the whole relationship also... and in fact... I have been waiting for the 10-year reunion to see what could happen. Well this year is 10 years and guess what... I couldn't wait, so I wrote him a letter. I told him that I knew what I was doing was wrong but that I had to confront my feelings. I gave him my contact info and guess what... he txt messaged me. This was 3 weeks ago. It has been a roller coaster though, because he says that he also still has feelings for me and is not currently in a relationship... but he does not want to be the root of breaking up my family. So every day has been up and down... he's afriad to say too much fearing I would walk out on my husband today for him. I can see the pressure that is placed on him, but I just know what I am feeling he is too.
Then... I said I wanted to see him. I could tell he wanted to and I thought we were about to plan it, but now he is backing off again. I know this is a horrible situation for him, but it would be good to see each other so we would know if this is real. Anyway, when you write we can share more. Good luck to you and me!!

I recently posted a message about my own unhappy marriage and my confusion. Sounds similar to yours. It is very sad that some of those that responded to you seemed to be more focused on passing judgment and criticizing you then offering any sound advice. This should be a forum where you are allowed to vent your feeling in a safe environment with the hope of getting some advice to assist you in perhaps some very difficult personal decisions along the way. I completely understand that the person you are married to does not have to be doing anything "horrible" in order for the marriage to cause you unhappiness and yes it does take two people. Sometimes the hardest thing to accept is that two good people may not be good together. Whatever decision you make should be your own and should be one that helps to empower you as a woman and a human being.

And to those of you who offered nothing but insensitive judjment, congratulations to you for feeding into the prehistoric mind frame that if a woman voices her feelings and expresses valid frustrations, she is just a "complainer". Your children, especially, your daughters should be proud to have such amazing role models who believe in the power of sisterhood and the strength of a women's voice. Let's hope that they all marry perfect men and lead perfect lives and never have the gall as to do anything as ridiculous as "complain."

I'm reminded of one of my favorite quotes. Not exact.
"Those who live in glass houses, should not throw stones."

Everybody that has posted a response is trying to help this person out. This person does not want to see the truth. The truth hurts sometimes. There are people here that see things that maybe she does not see herself. It is up to her what she takes in and what she does not. She needs to look at everything people said and take it as it is. There was lots of great advice but she did not even seem like she cared to even look it over. You know why because the truth hurt too much, that you know what she is the one with the problem as well. She is putting all the blame towards her husband when it should be towards her, because she is not even trying to make it work. Which shows in her posts.

Joe

Hello all,
I apologize in advance for this being so lengthy! I just want to make sure you get all the facts to be able to hopefully help me out! In a nutshell, I am unhappy in my marriage. I have been with my husband for 6-1/2 years, married for 4-1/2. We have an awesome 3 yr-old daughter. I have been having serious doubts about our relationship since we got engaged (7 mos. in). Initially, the problems were because he became very needy, almost like the clichéd woman - always questioning how I felt, how I knew he was the one (I made the mistake of sharing my old diary with him, in which I “knew” time after time, that “this (current) guy is the one”. Eventually, the neediness was toned down, but now I find that I just don’t love him anymore. I questioned my feelings even before we married, but by that point felt like I couldn’t stop things from progressing (I know now, that I should have gotten out while I could). The thing is, I just don’t care about him anymore. I have tried to discuss things with him several times over the past couple years, even telling him that I wasn’t sure that I loved him, and he just goes into “Is this because the bathroom isn’t done? Is this because I played poker last night? Etc….” Then eventually I feel bad and figure, well, it could be worse. Maybe I should just suck it up and deal with it. I understand that passion fades in a marriage, but I have NO desire for any physical contact with him. Obviously, we do have sex - maybe once a week, but I could take it or leave it. We don’t fight a lot, but when we do, he makes me angrier than anyone ever has – and then rehashes the entire discussion, acting like he was the calm, relaxed one and I “flipped out” for no reason. He thinks I am negative because I am realistic, and always need to see all sides of things, and prepare for the worst, just in case. I don’t trust him as far as money is concerned, because we are seriously in debt, but he continues to eat lunch out (when he could brown bag it), buy (4) season NFL tickets (instead of splitting them with his friends/brothers), and just be generally careless with money, while I am trying to save every penny!
I feel like I am staying in this marriage because I have a stable, relatively comfortable life – I am able to stay home with my daughter (since Mar ’05), we have a nice house (even with all the unfinished projects, which is yet another story), and separating would upset everything. BUT, I completely feel like if my husband didn’t come home today, I would not even care. And that’s obviously not how a wife should feel about her husband.
On another note, I have been thinking about my high school sweetheart almost every day for just about our entire relationship. I ran into him back when I was engaged, and now I feel like that was my wake-up call, I should have taken that detour, but I didn’t. I’m sure that my memories are sugar-coated, but I can’t stop thinking about him. Now I know that if I left my husband, I wouldn’t necessarily end up with my hs sweetheart, but I also know that I am willing to take that chance and would rather be alone (with my daughter) than stay in an unhappy marriage.
I know that you are going to recommend counseling, and we have talked about that, but I don’t even want to try anymore. I’d like to go by myself, if anything, and not even tell him I’m going. I know he would go, but I don’t even want him to.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! It’s no secret among my close friends and immediate family that I am not thrilled in my marriage, but I just don’t like to get them too involved. Thanks!
Hey Jersey Girl. Your situation almost seems identical to mine. I too had doubts about my feelings prior to marriage, and should have listened to them. I do not have any children with my wife, but am completely uninterested in spending time with her, or having any physical intimacy. As a divorcée child I would never recommend splitting up because it's pretty hard on the kids. However, if you are as unhappy as I am, I am sure that you are not doing your daughter a service by staying together.

What's identical as well in my situation is the high school sweetheart thing. I too had the oppourtunity to rekindle a passionate relationship that I messed up in high school, before getting married. I blew it twice. To be honest though, people change and what once was maybe wouldn't have been replicated. Then again, taking advice from me would be about as good as asking a felon. I seem to have made some pretty bad choices over the past decade.

Don't listen to people who are judging you. They simply do not have anything better to do, or they get joy through making other people feel like crap. I am sure you are a wonderful person who like me, has made some not so great choices. I wish you all the best.

Don't postpone the inevitable... When your kids are young... they can recover from their parents spitting up... better than when they are older and have had to live through their parents not loving each other... if you can't talk to him and work it out... it's better in the long run to move on... Be strong and focus on yourself and making a happy life for your children... Love will come... when it's the right time... Your focusing on a hs passion is so... par for the course... stop... and focus on YOU... Good luck

I have been experiencing something similar but on the opposite side. It seems my husband doesn't love me anymore or care to do things for me. Although I am not exaclty like your husband, I have been acting in way that may have pushed him away, yet I only did this because I felt very rejected and hurt by him. It reached the point where we just did our own thing with our own pay and because I was so unhappy I started spending more on myself and not saving for both of us. Perhaps he was so extravagant with his spending and tastes because he was looking for something to make him feel better. He may have felt neglected. If you don't love him at all it is only fair that you leave him and give him the chance for a better life. It seems that your love for this other guy may have pushed you even further away. However if you married him because you cared and loved him it is worth trying to work things out. Passion always dies out after time anyhow. It is up to us to rekindle the feelings. Like I said he may just be acting this way out of a bad reaction to the way you treated him. Communication is important. My husband never told me the things that really bothered him and now it reached the point where he doesn't care anymore and doesn't want to try. He was quite unfair with me though because it was all just a misunderstanding. I wouldn't have been so irresponsible and negative about things if he showed more understanding and was willing to communicate more. Now it reached the point where he just gave up and left me and I don't even know for how long. Realize there are always 2 sides to the story. I don't know how you felt but I know my husband married me out of love or at least cared about me. We would still be together today and quite happy I believe if he was more open with his feelings. I think that if your husband felt more secure and saw that you care and are trying he would change too. He would feel happy and therefore want to make you happy too. He would also be more understanding if you showed him you respect his feelings. Just saying, from the other point of view because I have been there. Like I said if you NEVER loved him or really care then all this is pointless and you should just be open and honest with him and let him go. Make sure you are clear on the reasons though even if it hurts him.

Jersey Girl,
First, you are awesome for having the guts to post here. I want to say thanks because as I was reading your post (and the responses) I feel like I'm reading my own story. Change the location, length of marriage and kids ages and a bunch of us are in the same boat. Sounds like you, Josh, Chery, Marie and I should all get together for a drink, LOL. I am amazed by the number of people who feel like this who feel so... STUCK. I know that the women I have spoken with feel like they will be left homeless and poor with their kid(s). The guys feel like they will be left homeless and poor and never see their kids again... My home life sucks, my husband is a stressed out grouch. He bottles up his anger, snaps at my daughter and me and basically sucks the fun out of everything. Vacations are misery. I wonder how many of you have started seeing other people while you are married? It would be so easy to leave for most of us if we didn't have kids. For all of those passing judgement--they are playing desktop god rather than trying to relate to a difficult situation. It sucks to have time keep slipping by being unhappy... please know that there are those of us out there who can relate, who understand and who are trying to figure it out too.
:o

Jersey Girl, What's the real story here?

You wrote:

"I don't trust him as far as money is concerned, because WE ARE SERIOUSLY IN DEBT, but he continues to eat lunch out (when he could brown bag it), buy (4) season NFL tickets (instead of splitting them with his friends/brothers), and just be generally careless with money, while I am trying to save every penny!

Then you wrote:

I feel like I am staying in this marriage because

I have a STABLE, relatively COMFORTABLE LIFE – I am able to stay home with my daughter (since Mar '05),

We have a nice house (even with all the unfinished projects, which is yet another story), and separating would upset everything. BUT, I completely feel like if my husband didn't come home today, I would not even care. And that's obviously not how a wife should feel about her husband.

This is the REAL issue. You wrote:

On another note, I have been thinking about my high school sweetheart almost every day for just about our entire relationship.

Why not just leave and forfeit a decent man and excellent provider. Go right ahead and ruin what could have been, on a schoolgirl crush. Your man won't be on the market for long just like Bobby, the captain of the soccer team won't hang around either!

Jersey Girl,
First, you are awesome for having the guts to post here. I want to say thanks because as I was reading your post (and the responses) I feel like I'm reading my own story. Change the location, length of marriage and kids ages and a bunch of us are in the same boat. Sounds like you, Josh, Chery, Marie and I should all get together for a drink, LOL. I am amazed by the number of people who feel like this who feel so...STUCK. I know that the women I have spoken with feel like they will be left homeless and poor with their kid(s). The guys feel like they will be left homeless and poor and never see their kids again... My home life sucks, my husband is a stressed out grouch. He bottles up his anger, snaps at my daughter and me and basically sucks the fun out of everything. Vacations are misery. I wonder how many of you have started seeing other people while you are married? It would be so easy to leave for most of us if we didn't have kids. For all of those passing judgement--they are playing desktop god rather than trying to relate to a difficult situation. It sucks to have time keep slipping by being unhappy...please know that there are those of us out there who can relate, who understand and who are trying to figure it out too.
:o

Listen: No one wants to 'play God'. It's just upsetting to be sitting here, living on the other side of the coin! If you are in a marriage, stay long enough to be sure that IT ISN'T YOU WHO NEEDS TO CORRECT YOURSELVES first. Why are you getting married if you are not in it for the long haul? Walking down the aisle thinking of another man is absolutely ridiculous!

Who's 'playing God' here--ruining someone's life with unnecessary hardships and lies KNOWING YOUR HEART IS NOT IN IT from the start!

I agree with most of the posts but I think you was wrong to marry him in the first place and feel you did it more for convience then love. Be happy that he provides for you and your daughter and not treating you wrong or cheating on you like a lot of our husbands. Maybe you need to find something to do with yourself like school or work.

The only thing I have to say is don't blame because you went in the marriage unsure of love for him and in return not being love with him grew but a child is involved. For that reason alone growing up in home without seeing love between the parents can affect her and kids are smarter than you think.

Jersey Girl,

I can completely relate to your post. It sounds similar to my own situation except I do still love my husband whom has neglected me throughout our seven year marriage. But, I try. Slowly, my spirit has withered away and recently I started to feel my love for him fading/leaving me completely.

If you don't feel happy in your marriage but is staying purely for the child's sake. Then you shouldn't. I came from divorced parents and do understand why they divorced. Each child is different but as long as you explain your situation to your child when he/she is old enough to understand situations.

As far as high school sweetheart feelings, I can relate. However, I've tried that a long time ago before I got married and learned that people do change. Sometimes wanting and having the desire to rekindle old flames only stir up other problems. It doesn't hurt to try as long as you have nothing to lose.

Before you try that option, you should take care of your problem at home first. I think you need to tell your spouse that 'you don't love him anymore and wish to divorce.' Being straight out with him in the way you word your feelings is better than telling him "you think." If you say you think, he will just justify it with something.
You should be blunt about exactly how you feel... but be absolute and do not sound doubtful. This may help him see the reality of your marriage.

It's good that you are in realization with your marriage and I am glad to have came across your post.
Many people on here don't understand what it means to be stuck in an unhappy marriage that has reached a dead end. Don't pay too much attention to their negative responses and just take what advice you can from here from those who do have a head on their shoulders.

Take Care!

Jerseygirl wrote"...Now I know that if I left my husband, I wouldn't necessarily end up with my hs sweetheart, but I also know that I am willing to take that chance and would rather be alone (with my daughter) than stay in an unhappy marriage.
I know that you are going to recommend counseling, and we have talked about that, but I don't even want to try anymore. I'd like to go by myself, if anything, and not even tell him I'm going. I know he would go, but I don't even want him to."

Jerseygirl, It was wrong for you to marry anyone with UNFINISHED BUSINESS with another. Throw-back love is a waste of time. Cherish your hs memories but don't take them to heart.

Caramel apple wrote: "Many people on here don't understand what it means to be stuck in an unhappy marriage that has reached a dead end."

Caramel, Sure we know exactly what you are going through--hills and valleys are for climbing and crossing. Are you woman enough to stay and work to regain your man's love and attention, or will you give up only to find that he is only human (as you are) and that all couples have walked the same path?

We are the directors of our own lives. No one can force another adult to do what is not in their heart to do. If they change only to please you and not also themselves, they will resent you in the end, making things worse (as if it isn't already as bad as it can get). IF these men no longer want you, give them the option to leave. If they stay and do not conform, you leave. Whatever you do, be happy.

I struggle with this same issue daily now that the other one is texting me daily and I can not seem to want to tell him to stop. I however do not hide this from my husband.

I too am in a great marriage of 13 years with the poster perfect husband (on paper) and many a woman would be so happy to be married to him. And he takes all my crap while still loving me.

Maybe I can answer my own problems by telling you love is a choice. Someone once told me you fall in and out of love many times in a marriage. But marriage is a commitment. Good times and bad.

No one can tell you where you would be happiest. Does not sound as if you are really unhappy, but just unsatisfied. I really think you both could benefit with some marriage counseling. Also I have noticed that people with small children (normally a little older than yours) are all floundering to redefine their relationship with each other after discounting the role parenthood has taken away from them. Just food for thought.

I will be thinking of you. I truly feel your pain and confusion. I know though that I am hopeful that my husband will tune into our marriage soon.

I know that it is very important to be true to myself, and when I do that, I know that this is not where I should be.

Being "true to yourself" doesn't mean putting obstacles in front of yourself to prevent any improvements being made in your life or marriage & using that to justify whatever decision we want to make. That is what you are doing with your marriage & your life with the dissatisfaction you keep feeding, especially with thoughts of an another man that can only be perfect in your fantasy.

You admit he would go to counseling but you don't want to do that, which might not only improve the marriage but your perspective on a lot of things that only you can improve such as your attitudes that are making you so unhappy. Instead you want to go to counseling alone, "complain" about your H & the marriage & have them validate your decision to bolt.

No one can MAKE you happy but telling yourself daily you should have picked another person & seeing only all the negatives in your marriage / partner, isn't going to help you get a positive happy attitude for yourself or anyone else, much less any relationship.

Relationships / marriages go through stages & we are not designed to stay in that "MADLY in love" stage permanently or automatically with anyone, it's lust driven by brain biochemistry. Right now you are telling yourself you can't be happy until you make major life altering changes in your life (which may be true). But if you don't learn more about what real happiness, life satisfaction & a marriage entails, you'll be in the same situation with the someone new that kicks off the lust in you when that wears off.

It's not fair you should be doing all the housework & he certainly will have to do plenty of that if he gets divorced so he'd be better off helping you instead. Some professional help would benefit you both so things will get better instead of staying in the state they are now.

If you are not putting much into your marriage, you won't be able to get much out & I don't mean the cooking & cleaning. You need to be emotionally invested for it to be a good one for you. It sounds like you aren't willing to do that because you feel you are missing out on what you might have if you left, especially with the hs guy or someone new.

If you take your personal issues to that new life without some proper help to aid you in understanding what real relationships are like after the lust wears off & what responsibility you have to yourself to improve your life in a good way, you will take all these problems & keep dealing with them in the same way with the same results. No matter if you are alone or with someone new.

Cuz you're saying you're telling your family / friends you're unhappy but not making any serious efforts to give your partner or marriage a fighting chance to be good for both of you, much less yourself. Unless that changes, it will also doom any new relationship sooner or later too.

Effective communication & caring teamwork is key to an awesome relationship. All marriages have good & bad times. Plus it takes being willing to take responsibility for our own part so we don't expect our partner to do the impossible like make us happy or our life satisfactory for us without us having to do our own part too, for example.

Right now you are not being fair to yourself staying stuck in the mentality you are in, or your partner & marriage. Getting divorced will only act as a bandaid to those deeper wounded feelings you are experiencing, which is not solely caused by your marriage or partner. You need to start with you to improve your life. It can be very exhausting mentally & physically to take care of a small child & that can also contribute to being unhappy & unsatisfied with our lives, lots of research on that especially if your adult interactions is severely limited now as it wasn't when you had an outslde job. No matter how much you love the child.

Passion can disappear in a marriage but it can also be restored & nutured too. The less you do that, the easier it is to keep it dead. You are chosing not be loving or loved with your husband. When you act as if love is solely a feeling & discount your choice to deaden the love in your marriage, a positive change can't happen. Like most things in life worth having, it takes effort & when that is done the rewards can be great.

As long as you keep the "he can do no right" filter on your eyes & heart, that is all you can see & all you can feel no matter how great a partner he could be to you or how much love is there to work with & make blossom. You don't have a balanced view right now & it's contaminating all the emotional benefits you should be getting from the marriage or your partner.

It sounds like you don't feel appreciated & are extremely stressed by money issues as well as exhausted by constantly being the only one keeping the house up which is feeding your unhappiness with yourself, your life, your partner & the marriage. That's understandable by what you wrote. Again, those are things that can be corrected without a divorce taking place either with good professional help or getting some helpful materials.

Hello all,
I apologize in advance for this being so lengthy! I just want to make sure you get all the facts to be able to hopefully help me out! In a nutshell, I am unhappy in my marriage. I have been with my husband for 6-1/2 years, married for 4-1/2. We have an awesome 3 yr-old daughter. I have been having serious doubts about our relationship since we got engaged (7 mos. in). Initially, the problems were because he became very needy, almost like the clichéd woman - always questioning how I felt, how I knew he was the one (I made the mistake of sharing my old diary with him, in which I “knew” time after time, that “this (current) guy is the one”. Eventually, the neediness was toned down, but now I find that I just don’t love him anymore. I questioned my feelings even before we married, but by that point felt like I couldn’t stop things from progressing (I know now, that I should have gotten out while I could). The thing is, I just don’t care about him anymore. I have tried to discuss things with him several times over the past couple years, even telling him that I wasn’t sure that I loved him, and he just goes into “Is this because the bathroom isn’t done? Is this because I played poker last night? Etc….” Then eventually I feel bad and figure, well, it could be worse. Maybe I should just suck it up and deal with it. I understand that passion fades in a marriage, but I have NO desire for any physical contact with him. Obviously, we do have sex - maybe once a week, but I could take it or leave it. We don’t fight a lot, but when we do, he makes me angrier than anyone ever has – and then rehashes the entire discussion, acting like he was the calm, relaxed one and I “flipped out” for no reason. He thinks I am negative because I am realistic, and always need to see all sides of things, and prepare for the worst, just in case. I don’t trust him as far as money is concerned, because we are seriously in debt, but he continues to eat lunch out (when he could brown bag it), buy (4) season NFL tickets (instead of splitting them with his friends/brothers), and just be generally careless with money, while I am trying to save every penny!
I feel like I am staying in this marriage because I have a stable, relatively comfortable life – I am able to stay home with my daughter (since Mar ’05), we have a nice house (even with all the unfinished projects, which is yet another story), and separating would upset everything. BUT, I completely feel like if my husband didn’t come home today, I would not even care. And that’s obviously not how a wife should feel about her husband.
On another note, I have been thinking about my high school sweetheart almost every day for just about our entire relationship. I ran into him back when I was engaged, and now I feel like that was my wake-up call, I should have taken that detour, but I didn’t. I’m sure that my memories are sugar-coated, but I can’t stop thinking about him. Now I know that if I left my husband, I wouldn’t necessarily end up with my hs sweetheart, but I also know that I am willing to take that chance and would rather be alone (with my daughter) than stay in an unhappy marriage.
I know that you are going to recommend counseling, and we have talked about that, but I don’t even want to try anymore. I’d like to go by myself, if anything, and not even tell him I’m going. I know he would go, but I don’t even want him to.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! It’s no secret among my close friends and immediate family that I am not thrilled in my marriage, but I just don’t like to get them too involved. Thanks!
Wow! I have to say that Im going through the same thing!
I suffered for 2 years now... We have a 3 years old son... its been tough. We r not in love... it's almost like war. For about year I wanted to just move out. Never had the courage... nor any money! Yes I work and full time student but I never saw any penny because it would all go for the family. I made a decision though: 3 days ago... I put a deposit for a studio just to start and I'm ready for a new life! I want to live life! I want to make history... I want to love... I want to be me!. nice knowing I wasn't the only one. Best of luck!

As someone in almost exactly the same situation, I must say I think a lot of these answers are harsh. Think about this: if you're not in love with him and unhappy, why should you stay with him? This is 2009 people! Its just not easy to leave especially if your partner wants you to stay. My husband knows I'm not in love with him yet insists we stay together. He thinks I will fall in love with him even though I tell him its not possible. I don't understand this because I would never want to be with someone who's not in love with me. I would never insist someone stay with me. Loves not supposed to be forced. As long as you stay with him your going to be unhappy. My advice to you is to leave and go make yourself happy. I hope real, true and unforced love finds you someday.

I like how there is not one person that describes this situation "from the other side"

Now fast forward 6 months... He in his new house and Her in her new house.

Will anyone come forward and proclaim to the other that they made a mistake at that point? Most likely the answer is no. But by then it is too late.

This is totally illustrated by how many are willing to admit the love for their HS sweetheart... what happened to that relationship to make it come to an end? I'm starting see a pattern developing... A Pattern of "fantasy" over reality and people un able to recognize or respect the one they are with. Leaving is always the answer for these folks.

Since when did staying to "fight" ever be thought of as easier than running away? Some folks with less than stellar character will justify any reason to run away, simple for the ease in what is found in running.

I can completely relate with Jerseygirl, and yes it sounds selfish and the wants of a dreamer but living an unhappy life with the wrong person is tanamount to suicide of the soul. Sure the new guy may very well not be the one either but what happens when another prince charming comes around? Likely she will feel the same. I am lucky in the fact that I don't have a daughter to worry about. The reality is this makes your situation much stickier. Sometimes it's okay to be selfish but you have her needs to think about too.