I broke up with my ex 3 weeks ago now. We had been together for over 3 years. She said she was unhappy and walked. This is the briefest summary. I could argue my case but there's really no point.

Once that happened, I was shattered, of course. But I tried to get my things together, I reconnected with my buddies, and I decided I would travel. Booked plane tickets for Japan next month, I'm going with a friend of mine. I replaced my dreams of the white picket fence with a dream of seeing as much of the world as I could. Places and people. Everyone has their own stories, and everyone outside of me is just as real. I want to meet them everywhere.

Fast forward to a few days ago. My ex rang me screaming and crying because she thought I had taken something from her (I hadn't). I calmed her down and asked if she wanted to get coffee (I remember thinking it was a bad idea). We hooked up again. Then we met a few days later, and I got the same answer as the night she dumped me "I can't."

OK! I finally spoke to her one last time yesterday, because she owes me a fair bit of money, and I was seeing when it would be returned. The conversation broke down and she told me she hated me. She blamed me 100% for everything that went wrong. She raged at me for not proposing earlier (this one cut me like a knife... ugh, I don't even know.. ugh, like the night itself wasn't bad enough) She said I ruined her dreams. She hated who I was becoming because it was the me she always wanted and never got.

I've been dealing OK for the most part. But the thought that this chick... who I say I most definitely loved very much... now hates me as a person and blames me for everything... it gets me down a bit, you know?

(edit: and yes, I went completely no contact for the 3 weeks, until she rang me screaming at me. I'm going to go no contact again as soon as I get my money. She knows this 100%, and sometimes I think I won't get it back just so she can keep a claw in me.)

Uhm. That money's going to be a problem. I think you should forgive her debt so you can move on. I have no idea how big the amount is but it just might cost you more trying to get it back. I think she's going to keep messing with your mind and your feelings.

If you feel so bad about the debt, promise yourself not to lend anyone anymore. It doesn't feel good owing something big to someone anyway.

By the way, I like this attitude of yours: "I could argue my case but there's really no point."

Could that be her whole point in this? The money?? I think she doesn't want to give it back. Choice time. Take her to court or leave her alone.

My choice is leave her alone.

OK after reading your post I didn't know if your question was about the money or the relationship aspect of it. I now see with your title it is about the relationship aspect of it. From what you say it seems that she didn't get enraged with you until after you asked her to give back the money. I think she might be saying that she hates you and blames you for everything that went wrong as a ploy to make you feel guilty. You may ask, why would she do that? It's simple. You feel guilty enough that you think you caused the turmoil in relationship that you simply forget about the money and stop asking her for it. It's kind of a win win situation for her. She says horrible things to you, you feel guilty and stay away, and she gets to keep the money.
She obviously doesn't hate you that much if she is sleeping with you a few days prior to your conversation. And in my experience women usually will give you a long and extensive reason of exactly why they are leaving you in the first place. Especially if the reason is that you won't marry them in time.
Sidenote question: Did you ever suspect her of seeing someone else?

Good luck

Let bygones be bygones. Life is too short to suffer over something that is now in the past. Forget about the money and move on with your life! You seem like a caring person. Take care of yourself so you'll be in good shape when the right one comes along. :)

Sidenote question: Did you ever suspect her of seeing someone else?

Yes.. but isn't paranoia normal? The night we broke up though - she had been sneaking out and not talking to me for a few days, staying out all night and that. She said she stayed with friends but... seriously... if this was anyone else's story and I was the one listening, I know what I would think.

The money was $1600. For me that's close to 3 weeks pay... I had saved it up for a new computer, but there was an emergency so I gave it to her, under the condition that she promised to pay it back. To be honest I've weighed up not asking for it back and not having to deal with her anymore but... it feels wrong to let her just keep it without trying, you know? I did enough.

Well, my question was just asking how do I deal with feeling guilty? In the end though, I don't really suppose there's an answer. She decided to walk without sitting me down and having a heart to heart about things - her failure. I didn't notice things were slipping - my failure. What sucks is that this relationship was gone for a while... and I never knew. That makes me sad.

I think the reason she was upset and blamed you for everything is because she just broke up with you. She is not in her right state of mind and anything can set it off. I just broke up a month ago as well. My ex blamed me for everything as well this would never happen when we were together. When I try to talk to her about getting back together. Anything you do won't help you're right it will just create more argument and more fight ,may be not now until she calm down.

She still got my phone when we broke up which I still paid for and I told her I will cancel it. This didn't went well neither. I cancel it although I had to pay $400 but anyway I have to break all contact.

My advice is give her more space do the NC until everything is calm. That's what I am doing currently as well. You can ask for the money back but just give it time when everything cool down. In my opinion $1600 is not much. If it was me I'll give it to her although I am generous but it is different for everyone. If you can be cool about the money I think she'll respect you more.

I just need to rant a bit. It's been a month now since I got dumped. And I've been doing SO GOOD lately, I was really surprised that I could feel this well so soon after it happened (we were together 3 years).

It's been NC pretty much that entire time (she broke it near the beginning, since then nc all the way)

Today was a bad day. I had a dream about my ex, and these dreams really mess me up. I wake up in a panic - I'm past the point now of expecting her to be there - but in my half asleep state as I'm waking up I have massive panic attacks, it's like I'm not conscious enough to will myself out of them/defend myself from them.

My trip to Japan is now 26 days away. I've also been working out - I'm pretty sure I lost a bit of weight after the breakup, because my eating habits got all messed up - and I'm looking pretty good. I went on a date the other night. Didn't go amazingly well :P But at least I'm getting out there. Had a drunk chick try to get all over me last night, but I wasn't that keen and bailed pretty fast. I was watching the fireworks in town... I feel so insanely free when I'm at places like that and I KNOW I'm not going to run into my ex. To be honest, running into her is like... it sort of gives me the chills. What do I do? Smile? Talk for chitchat? I wouldn't do either, I'd look away and hope she keeps walking.

Got a new phone and number, just to add to the fresh slate of things. (I don't want to be tracked down.)

Made a playlist full of songs that put me on that slight edge that gives bonus confidence

These are just ways I find to keep it going. What I find doesn't help at all is thinking in any way about her. I'm not trying to pretend the 3 years meant nothing (they meant a lot, but she won't be hearing that), but there is absolutely no good (at least for me) in thinking that they did - it just drags me down thinking about what I lost. It's exactly the opposite - I've decided now that nobody is going to see me sweat (except you fine folks here at askme :), and I'm going to take that happy face and make it real, for everyone who's watching me to see.

Working out, staying fit, travelling, getting out to public events with friends, crazy rock playlists and talking to new chicks.

What have you guys been doing to deal with what you're going through?

I actually do exactly what you do. As for the panic attacks, although I haven't experience those this time during my first break up I would wake up with those and what I did was immeidately go for a walk. There is no reason to stay in be where you focus on the dream you just had. Through on a pair of shoes and get some fresh air... even at 3 am, if you take a 30 minute walk you'll come back a little wore out, relaxed, and feeling good.

I'm a month into my own breakup so this is definitely not even an issue for me. NC all the way for a long time I think.

But I am curious - for those who have been through bad breakups, who were dumped, pretty much had their world smashed (for lack of better description) by a girl - and who MOVED ON... how many of you were actually comfortable being friends in the future? (and if so after how long)

I have stayed friends with one ex only and she dumped me and broke my heart at the time. She came knocking back about 6 months later when her new relationship didn't work out! We stayed friends for a little while but I couldn't help but remember how badly she treated me.
I'm now 3 months out of a new relationship whereby the girl wanted to remain friends. However with feelings still there, it was never going to work so I cut it off.
What I'm trying to say is that if one party still has feelings, it will never work. Ever!
Once you lose those feelings for her, you have to decide whether to pursue a friendship with them. Most times we just move on and meet someone who treats us right and forget about the ex. Also be mindful that if you stay friends with an ex it may cause problems with any new partners.

What I'm trying to say is that if one party still has feelings, it will never work. Ever!!
Once you lose those feelings for her, you have to decide whether or not to pursue a friendship with them.

That's pretty much it, hey? I still have feelings (though I control them and slowly move past them day by day) and I'm curious if, once they are entirely buried, I'd even WANT to pursue a friendship with this girl. There were good times but ultimately she walked, when I never walked on her, and when I tried my hardest to fix things when they were down. Would I even want to know her once I'm out and free?

(I've found this entire breakup process INCREDIBLE - going from 'I love you' and 'you're the one, I want to marry you' (and me believing it) for 3 years, to 'I can't be with you anymore' etc etc, and the crazy changes this brought to my life, when I think about it all, it BLOWS my mind that people everywhere deal with this, every single day. Yes, it sucked, and it still sucks sometimes... but I respect the massive effect this has had on me as a person.)

I'm curious about others experience with this, and being friends afterwards

I say perhaps a couple years later if you randomly run into each other and start talking again, but when the breakup of a serious relationship ( at least a year or 2) is still new, I would not even think of it especially if you are the dumpee because you may think you are over it but in fact you are still pursuing a lost hope. That s my opinion

Just remember too that even if you run into your ex in 2 years time, you will still subconsciously have feelings there.
Do what I do and write a complete list of things that you didn't like from the relationship, including how you were treated at the break up. It's so easy to remember all the good times, holidays together and forget a lot of the bad times. Whenever you are missing her and wishing she would return, turn to this list. Before you go to bed at night, have a look at this list.
We had a wonderful relationship until she wanted to take a step back and my list wasn't very long. But there were still a few things that I didn't like about the relationship and I draw from these when feeling sad.
I totally agree with you too that this affects so many people and it really can affect your health (no eating, stress, cigarettes, drinking, depression). Just make sure that you keep yourself busy and socialise with friends.
Good luck

I don't stay friends with exes, I removed them from my life for a reason, and I plan to keep it that way.

Besides, it would make an uncomfortable situation to introduce a new interest to your ex as a friend.

I'm a month into my own breakup so this is definitely not even an issue for me. NC all the way for a long time I think.

But I am curious - for those who have been through bad breakups, who were dumped, pretty much had their world smashed (for lack of better description) by a girl - and who MOVED ON...how many of you were actually comfortable being friends in the future? (and if so after how long)




Well I am a girl and I recently spilt up with my boyfriend and basically were still mates and were moving on be ut were still good mates, and we've bin mates ever since we spilt up,:)

I am a girl and I'm 14, and I just a few month's back spilt up with my boyfriend, and we had a bad relationship and ended up spilting I loved him so much, and he broke my heart, but were still good mates, and we have both moved on, we have different partners, and were still good mates, :) :D

Just remember too that even if you run into your ex in 2 years time, you will still subconsciously have feelings there.



I don't know if they would still be feelings but you would definetley remember them, good or bad. You once loved them and therefore they will always be a place for them in your heart especially the more special relatioships such as your first love etc...

Now regarding being friends, once again in depends on the relation but more important which I forgot to mention earlier is why kind of person you are. In my case I know that right now would not be best because I still think I am not strong enough to deal with it. Hey if you are in that place and you are strong and confident and you had ended on relatively good terms, why not .

I've had two bad break ups in my short lifetime(im 23)..
My first break up was pretty bad.. even after we broke up-I would see her quite frequently and I never quite got over her for about 3 years.. But after I did I was fine with being friends- as we are now.. We occasionally even sleep together now and again which I know is wrong but I do it because I know I can control my emotions surrounding this pattern.
It's quite funny actually, she dumped me and then she comes to me for sex because she can't find anyone decent she wants to be with and it's comfortable with me.. and heck, I don't mind ;D Minus the sex though we're still buddies.. She can come to me for advice with guys and I can go to her for advice with girls.. I'm quite happy we worked our problems out.
My 2nd break up = TOO SOON... I let go of the NC 6 months in and I'm regretting it.. but I'm keeping a cap on the whole thing.. next time I see her will be too soon

Well I have one ex that I see pretty frequently. We were engaged for 3 years, together for 4. I finally realized it wasn't going anywhere and I broke up with him. The thing of it is, is that my brother became really good friends with him while we were together and my ex really was a good guy so we still hang out. He's engaged now and I'm married. We all hang out with my brother and a few of our mutual friends once in while. There doesn't seem to be any awkwardness at all which is good.

Hi, sub conciuos mind is playing with you here, you are think of being friends a month after the split by her, which possibly means you don't want to let go, and thinking friends now - my friend drop the idea now - if it happens in the future for both of you then let it happen naturally, she should contact you if she broke up don't do the chasing on this frieind or anything else & if you bump into her be polite say hello, how you doing etc, make it short - keep your power here - less is more and she may realise you are a better person and initiate to be friends again who knows what will happen from then on

Who has time to be worried about an ex, when your moving on with your life, and making new friends, and doing different things you enjoy??

I friends with my 2 of my exes and it's okay. When accidentally became friends after I moved on. We are better friends then we were when we were together. One is actually married since our break-up and it didn't bother nor affected me one bit. I moved on with my life and care about their. It's up to the person who becomes friends but in order to be friends with your ex you must be completely over them and that's where a lot of people makes mistakes by becoming friends with their ex when they're not over them. But there is nothing written in stone that you must be friends with your ex, it's totally up to that person.

Im friends with all of my ex's lol... I mean it definitely took time and only after I healed could this happen. I am friends with my most recent ex and everything is going fine with that. We exchange texts and comments on the interwebs(facebook) and all that stuff but I don't see us going to grab a beer anytime soon ha ha

Guys she paid me back, my dad called to say she had dropped off the money. She talked to him briefly. I am freaking out guys, it was so mch easier to deal when I thought she was scum. Now she's paid me back and I don't know what to think anymore. Please help me dudes, I've kept my cool in real life over this, but inside it's tearing me up. I've been nc this entire time. I want to txt to say thank you and that I appreciate it, but I know I'm still in too deep. I miss her I hate her I loved her. It's only been a month. I'm trying to deal I really am. Help me

Guys she paid me back, my dad called to say she had dropped off the money. She talked to him briefly. I am freaking out guys, it was so mch easier to deal when I thought she was scum. Now she's paid me back and I don't know what to think anymore. Please help me dudes, I've kept my cool in real life over this, but inside it's tearing me up. I've been nc this entire time. I want to txt to say thank you and that I appreciate it, but I know I'm still in too deep. I miss her I hate her I loved her. It's only been a month. I'm trying to deal I really am. Help me

Just leave a voice message saying "thank you" and hang up.

My ex still has my stuff... I plan on getting my stuff back no matter what.

She throws my stuff away; I'll throw her life away.

I understand that by paying you off she reacted in a way which you hadn't expected. Of course it was easier to deal with when you thought she was scum but at the end of the day the way she acts does not change what has already happened between you guys. You still need time to get over this, because from what I understand you were not the one to decide on breaking this off and you definitely still have feelings for her. You can text her and thank her but expect that if you do that you might get a reply that might setback the process of moving on. Possibly its best to call and keep it brief, don't let her draw you into whatever conversation as weak as you feel at that moment. Go ahead with the plans you have already made and don't let her interfere with your life anymore. You just need more time.

7/09/08

Hey guys... I'm intending on updating this topic every day to see how I'm going over the course of time, and plus whenever I want to go ring her, instead, I'll rant here. It'd be great if you guys could read and comment. (For info regarding before this, she left me a month ago. We hooked up again once after. Then she left again. Since then it's been strict NC - my decision. She wanted to remain friends. At the moment I can't do that, I still have feelings and from what I've seen my rationality goes straight out the window as soon as I talk to her. I've been hanging out with friends a lot more since then, and went out on one date so far with another girl.)

7:10pm - I'm frustrated, and I don't know, we were together for 3 years, I thought it meant something, we talked about getting married ,and moving out, and then one day she just left, snuck out to a club when I was expecting her home, I didn't hear from her until late the next day, and then the day after she broke up with me. She was unhappy.. I don't understand why we couldn't have worked it out, we worked out a LOT of stuff, I stayed with her through some pretty crazy **** involving another guy, but this time there was no talking, she just walked. Looking back the signs were there, I just never saw them in time, and at the end there was no communication, just some night where she had to go to sleep early because she had work the next day, and that was it, it was over, and for a long time I was just stuck there thinking "this isn't really happening". She was my best friend for 3 years and now she's gone. How do they just walk like that?

Another sad story, welcome to this lonely hearts club.

7/09/08

Hey guys...I'm intending on updating this topic every day to see how I'm going over the course of time, and plus whenever I want to go ring her, instead, I'll rant here. It'd be great if you guys could read and comment. (For info regarding before this, she left me a month ago. We hooked up again once after. Then she left again. Since then it's been strict NC - my decision. She wanted to remain friends. At the moment I can't do that, I still have feelings and from what I've seen my rationality goes straight out the window as soon as I talk to her. I've been hanging out with friends a lot more since then, and went out on one date so far with another girl.)

7:10pm - I'm frustrated, and I don't know, we were together for 3 years, I thought it meant something, we talked about getting married ,and moving out, and then one day she just left, snuck out to a club when I was expecting her home, I didn't hear from her until late the next day, and then the day after she broke up with me. She was unhappy..I don't understand why we couldn't have worked it out, we worked out a LOT of stuff, I stayed with her through some pretty crazy **** involving another guy, but this time there was no talking, she just walked. Looking back the signs were there, I just never saw them in time, and at the end there was no communication, just some night where she had to go to sleep early because she had work the next day, and that was it, it was over, and for a long time I was just stuck there thinking "this isn't really happening". She was my best friend for 3 years and now she's gone. How do they just walk like that?
It's not all bad :) Some days I feel fantastic. I'm hoping you guys get to see a better part of me in the days to come. I just need some place to put these feelings out into the void, and once I'm mended I'm going to become like Tal and Rome (who's posts I read a lot of), and help out the new guys that are coming in.

I feel for you, and I'm sure many of us have been through this, although it's personal to all of us. I know there are a lot of guys here that have gone through the same, and have gone through many threads supporting each other.

I don't know how women or men, can stick around for yrs. and then just up and leave without warning. Well there is warning, but we never see what we don't want to, and hindsight is always 20-20 right? I'll never understand people that find it so easy to hurt and lie to someone that they have been with for a long period, and claimed to love them. It's selfish and hurtful.

NC is the best thing, although the hardest thing to do. The alternative only hurts you more, and you're back to square one! I think it's great to come on here and rant, when you feel that urge to pick up the phone. Like I said, there are guys and girls that have gone through the same thing. There are a handful of them that I know well on this site, and they are great guys that give really good advice, and have gone through exactly what you are going through. You might relate to the guys more than me, but I've been there too, and I don't think it's a whole lot different really. Just role reversal.

Feel free to come on and rant and rave all you like! That's what we all do when we have a rotten day, or week, or life for that matter, lol. I know you will get a ton of support here. ;)

Dam son welcome to the forum, the peeps here are great for advice and support, I'm new here 2 and going through similar .
Just remain NC and see what happens, and remember, keep you head up!

Hey Champ. No need to worry Mac is BACK!! We will get this girl back in limited time for you.

Firsty urve made some big mistakes!! You stayed with her through another guy! That spells loser to me... You can never have a girl treat you like that mate.. that's the end f the relationship there and then. She doesn't want a guy like that!! No girls do.

She still likes you but over the past 3 years your points have slowly be eroding just like your balls I guess!! And now urve got no points nor any balls and that's why your out!!

Regroup brother, get back out there and get amongst it, plenty of great girls out there and that's the way we will get her back for you. Can't get her back siting around hoping for the best. She needs space and don't believe that friends CRAp!! Just say yeah cool and NEVER contact her.. She doesn't deserve you as a friend she wants to stuff you around after all this time and she only wants you as a friend cause she probably doesn't have many.

Now to start you off don't contact her , don't be friends with her. Just ignore her if she messages message back a day latter something simple. Don't let her control you like she has been. I bet when you first met you were the man and she was loving it
But she has worn you down just like most of these young girls they like the chase but once it goes they soon do to..

Yourve got to get started try and date a few others get out and meet a few even if they are batters they might have some hot friends.. C how you go...

You have already made a good decision, and that's half the battle. The rest is to just keep going day by day, doing what you enjoy. No doubt your experience, and support will be a big help to someone else.

Keeping a log of your feelings is great. I think it really helps you to see how you have been coming along in the future. I started my own thread 4 months ago and occasionally update it now. Its nice to be able to re-read what I have gone through and it gives you a good gauge on how you are feeling... Its almost like a before and after picture of a diet :)

Best of luck...

May be just leave a thank you note. Go old school. Don't text because it's so easy to reply. And if you try to leave a message on the phone she might pick up and then you might start fighting again.

There is a simple number to dial that will allow you to go straight to voice mail if you feel you must leave a voice message. But they cost like .15 cents a call. Good luck man I hope everything works out for you.

Welcome! Yeah man, this place is amazing!

I recently went through something similar, and I am amazed at how far I've come since day one. I know that all of these amazing people on here will be able to give you some great and valuable advice.

Just keep on enjoying your time with friends, that is always the greatest thing after a breakup. That and getting all of that free time to get fit mentally and physically.
After I got done feeling sorry for myself I started to workout every morning and I got a library card and started studying things that I enjoy. Great for getting to know yourself and learning that being by yourself isn't always that bad. This is also great that you are going to write about it, because it doesn't just help you, but others that are going through a similar situation.

Ahh hey fellas :) Yeah, I've pretty much come to accept she is 100% not coming back. I miss her a lot sometimes. I want her to see how I've changed, the man I've become (some of the things I've accomplished in the last month are retarded, things I couldn't do for years). But I know deep down she's not coming back.

8/09/08 - 3:36pm

I went driving with my dad today. I was saving up for a house deposit/rent and utensils money with her when she left. When she left, I took half that money and bought a car with it. If you've read my other topics, I also booked plane tickets to Japan to experience some travelling. Driving use to terrify me, and I could get away with not doing it before (I train to the other side of the city for work, and live local to most of the shops). Once this breakup happen, the fear evaporated. I'm going skydiving next year. I literally only have one fear in the world now: having to face Silvia, look her in the eye and have all the mistakes I've made thrown back at me.

I made a lot of mistakes. I carry around so much guilt it's hard for me to let go. She blamed me 100% for everything, and never took any responsibility for any of it (this was a trait of hers I picked up on a long time ago). Unfortunately, I believe it. My brain knows it takes two to stuff something, it even knows all the things that she did wrong. But it's like I can't accept that - I can't accept it. Every time I wouldn't see her - it guts me. Every time I stayed up while she went to sleep - that guts me. Every time I got annoyed- it guts me tool. I find it hard to remember all the good things I did. And I KNOW there were good things.

When my job was going good, and I had a few buddies and things were looking up for me, she made me promise not to leave her behind. She said "you are on the lifeboat and it is sailing away". She was unemployed, or lacking money (I can't remember if she had her part time job at the time) and waiting for university to start. I promised I wouldn't leave her behind, take my hand, I'll look after you. Then she started back at uni, started hanging with her friends again, started talking to other guys I guess, and she just bailed.

Now she's gone, entirely happy from what small amount of information about her that's found its way to me (not much, I've been pretty vigilant in keeping away from it), and it's just like, wow. I'm here, wearing newer clothes, my hair cut differently, more masculine then before, chicks are digging me like they were when I was single at 17, I'm a better friend, a better person... and I'm getting down on myself for not being this way before. I'm also having a minor identity crisis, when I look in the mirror I see like, a better looking version of me that is now driving and heading overseas and wants to take on the world. I don't know who he is, I honestly don't know who I am, all I know is that the me in the mirror has a chance of getting over this and the old me didn't so I am GOING to be him.

It feels like I am torturing myself. She never took any responsibility, so I took it all. I read something I really liked by RomeFalls the other day. It was something like "who cares if she's having trouble! Did she care how heartbreaking it was to watch her walk away from something the two of you built for years?" Did she care that I can't see our cat anymore? No. I'll never see Ninja again. It sucks. I bought him as a kitten, I have photos of him, now I can't see him. I miss my cat guys :(

I wouldn't have cared if she walked if she was just my girlfriend, but all the promises we made to each other, the commitment... its so infuriating. Lesson learnt, I'm probably going to be more rational about those sorts of promises in the future.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't want her back guys... but I'm learning to squash that desire now, because I know I can't make that happen. The only alternative is getting over the pain... thats why I come here to rant... because I can do that one. She wanted to be friends. Friends? LOL. A month and a bit ago we were planning the wedding location. She basically took it all away - the only choice I had left was whether I stayed in contact with her period. Like this whole thing, and that was the only choice left to me. So I went no-contact, and will stick to it... forever?

I hate that I care so much. If I didn't care, there would be no pain. I need to get over the guilt... I know we both did a lot of good in the relationship just like we both made mistakes... I need to get over it for me and to find love again. Because I AM going to find it.

Bravo jai,

You sound like you really have your head wrapped around what is giong on and have good direction in your life. You know what you need to do and are sticking to it. I'm glad to see that.

The things you are feeling are not unique. Don't feel like people haven't been there before, we have. It is easy to feel like it is all your fault when you have been berated and told over and over again it is. It's a sort of mental conditioning that you need to break. Try to be logical with yourself and let your brain win over your heart. Its hard, but you can do it.

9/09/08

I'm at work. Miss her terribly. Last night was OK. I want to call her, see her. But she's gone. I keep wondering if she misses me and wants me back, but if I got in contact and she didn't it would be game over for my emotional health.

You have your dignity jai. Keep it.

Whenever you feel that way, try to think of stopping yourself from contacting her the same way one resists a cigarette craving when trying to quit smoking, or any other addiction for that matter. Think of it as a craving that will eventually pass if you resist the urge. But if you give in, you have to start all the work and progress you've made all over again.

Whenever you feel that way, try to think of stopping yourself from contacting her the same way one resists a cigarette craving when trying to quit smoking, or any other addiction for that matter. Think of it as a craving that will eventually pass if you resist the urge. But in the event that you give in, you have to start all the work and progress you've made all over again.

Absolutely right. He is breaking an addiction and feeling the same affects as a smoker who's quitting... Deal with the temptations, but don't give in. In time they lessen, and you learn how to control the feelings. You will feel great when you realize you can change how you are feeling at will...

I won't give in, I try to tell myself it's a game Im playing and by not contacting her I win. You guys are right in that it does feel like in going through withdrawal symptoms. I miss the peer bond but I'm sure I can find that in another girl. I'm pretty young (20), fit, always got compliments on my looks, and have my head on right. More than that I know deep down Im a good guy and I think that realisation will ultimately be "my answer". This thing has rattled me I must admit, but I have hit back hard in basically every other aspect of my life. I didn't know any other way to deal.

09/09/08 - 11:15pm

Hanging in there. Talked to a couple of mates tonight. One is a guy I've known for a long time now (around 5 years) who honestly thinks I'm being crazy and that I'll have a girl within a month, or two tops. Another is a chick who digs me, but sadly I am not interested in her that way. Feeling OK - I always feel better when I'm tired. Speaking of, me and my mate set up our Japan trip blog. I'm really looking forward to this - it'll force me to man up, it'll get me away from Brisbane, and I'm sure I'll meet a lot of interesting people. MySpace.com - The Japan Show? - 20 - Male - AU - www.myspace.com/thejapanshow (http://www.myspace.com/thejapanshow) if you guys want to check it out

Being tired always helps out. Running and working out are great ways to make yourself feel better and get you a little more tired by the end of the day :)

10/09/08 - 8:20am

On my way to work. Doing OK. Stayed up too late last night (I enjoy them because it feels like I'm myself again). Hanging with the boys tonight. I love my mates, and it's funny, I never really appreciated them until now. Friends, the right music, the SUN (for some reason the sun makes me feel better), and keeping busy with social activities. I can do this. I always said I could do it alone, now's my chance

Keep going !

Sorry for the big quote, by browsers broken and won't let me quick answer.

12/09/08

A lot of stuff has happened. Been having a great couple days with the boys, plus the LHC fired and didn't destroy the world, so that was pretty cool. I feel a lot better when I'm away from where I live. Last night I caught up with a friend from school (I had once had a huge crush on her). She's leaving this weekend and moving to the city. In a way it was really weird - I heard my 15 year old self saying wow, good work man. She hopes we keep in touch (we're the last people that we each keep in touch with from school). It might sound weird but it seemed like another form of closure. I don't know.

Also, my mate broke up with his girlfriend last night. I was on the phone to him for a while last night trying to talk him through some stuff. A month ago he took me out cableskiing, partying, everything to get my mind off things and now he's on the otherside. There's a lot of similarities between our stories. It let's you realize how bull**** it all is.

Me and him are hitting up the gold coast this weekend.

Sorry for the big quote, by browsers broken and won't let me quick answer.

12/09/08

A lot of stuff has happened. Been having a great couple days with the boys, plus the LHC fired and didn't destroy the world, so that was pretty cool. I feel a lot better when i'm away from where I live. Last night I caught up with a friend from school (I had once had a huge crush on her). She's leaving this weekend and moving to the city. In a way it was really weird - I heard my 15 year old self saying wow, good work man. She hopes we keep in touch (we're the last people that we each keep in touch with from school). It might sound weird but it seemed like another form of closure. I dunno.

Also, my mate broke up with his girlfriend last night. I was on the phone to him for a while last night trying to talk him through some stuff. A month ago he took me out cableskiing, partying, everything to get my mind off things and now he's on the otherside. There's a lot of similarities between our stories. It let's you realize how bull**** it all is.

Me and him are hitting up the gold coast this weekend.
I think that's great man, keep up the contact with her and help your bro out, you know most what can help him through this and don't let him make any mistakes you may have had. Good Luck man

Keep up the good work! Busier you are the better : )

In time your be a new person, just make sure you learn the lessons of previous years. I made the mistake of not! Getting to attached and still obsessing over a new person. I thought traveling would change me and be the best experience of my life, which it was. However you still return to what you had before, same on people, same old life.

Sometimes you either got a make a radical change or be happy with what you have : /

14/09/08 - 5:26PM

Wow where to begin. I hit the coast up with my mate, but, I think he could really be in trouble. He still contacts her a lot (he's told me she's asked for space), ringing and txting and worrying about how she's getting home from work etc. Unlike my situ they've said they're on a "break", and he thinks they might get back together (I didn't do this, I cut clean). Anyway, he had an epiphany last night about how he should ACTUALLY be giving her space, and sorting out his life, but I'm not sure how he's going to act on it.

Something happened today with them and he's going down there to see her tonight. I'm pretty worried about him. When he had his epiphany I thought he'd be right. But I don't know... I guess I'll see how he goes tonight with her. I just want him to be OK - one way or the other (and from what I've seen its always, mostly, the other).

As for me... well. I'm actually doing pretty good. I haven't been sad for days now. Strangely (I still think this is weird), I was able to look at my old myspace photos with her in them and I wasn't sad at all. I was happy in a weird, detached way. Like it was the normal reaction to the photos, from when I was with her, and not the panic-induced hysteria I got if I saw them, after we broke up. I wasn't sad, guys. But I still know I can't talk to her. The day I love somebody else is the day that I can think about doing that and not before. (and once that day comes, I wonder if I'll even care)

I had a few dreams about her about 15 minutes ago, but they were all pretty minor ones. Felt a tinge of negative, but that was blown away the instant I woke up.

It's strange, at the start of this, I really didn't think I'd ever be OK ever again. And I'm pretty OK now.

There's still a ways to go before I get to where I want to be though. I'll keep you guys updated.

I also think, now that I'm healed and I can actually think logically about things again without my entire perspective going straight to grey (best way of explaining how I felt last month), I'm on the next part of my own self-journey which is looking for meaning.

For the last little while all I've been doing is spending money and hanging with friends, which is great. But now that *I* am actually back, I can settle down a bit and look for whatever it is I'm looking for - "meaning". Something all-encompassing that I can focus down and aim for. Nah, another GF will not fill this. It's more than that. "This is me and this is what's important to me." If anyone's reading, what keeps you guys running?

By the way, I never introduced myself. My name is Jai. I live in Brisbane Australia, I'm 20 years old, and I'm back in drivers seat from the lowest point of my life. I'm stronger, fitter, more socially connected and clearer than I've ever been. My perspective is back - changed, of course, but back. And you know what? Everything is going to be all right.

Good stuff bro hang in there, stay positive.


Peace

That's great man. Your bro is in a tough spot I was there. The worst feeling in the world to me was waiting. Waiting on a decision. Best is to go NC, Get him out his house, Don't let him wallow. Honestly just be there for him. You know how it feels. I wish the best for your friend.

15/09/08 - 8:03pm

I think it's official - I'm back 100%.

I heard through the grapevine about a mutual friend going through a very incredible low (I won't go into it here). This girl was my ex's best friend, though me and her haven't talked for probably a year. And even though she wasn't there for me at all when I went through my rough patch (which, I guess when you think about it, is pretty understandable), I still sent her an email saying if she needed anything to let me know - and I meant it. You know? It was the right thing to do.

I won't go maudlin about how the past is over and the chapter's closed or whatever... those thoughts make me sad. What I will go into is that... I can't change the things that have happened. All I can do is try to make better and the right choices in the future. Be the man who I can be proud of. That is what I CAN do.

And yeah, I am proud of trying to support this girl. If I was lesser, I'd probably just let her stew.

Nobody can touch me now. I said that out loud today and was surprised when it rang true. I'm out of the dark thanks to this website and the posters who come here and light up like beacons. I would have paid down any amount of money to feel the way I do now at the start of this breakup thing. Some days I really did think it was game over, the end of everything. But give it enough time, stick to NC (I feel great and I'm still sticking to it... honestly ask yourselves what good could come of talking to your ex, if you're in any pain at all? Nothing, guys, nothing good can come of it. You talk and have pleasant conversation, you get sad. You argue, you get sad), and basically just force yourself to be the best possible person you can be at this moment.

I've ridden this rollercoaster about as high and low as anyone else out there. If I can get better, there's hope for EVERYONE.

16/09/08 - 8:57PM

I'm okay. Had a good day at work and just got home from dinner with my mate. Also got a chicks number (not sure if it really counts or not LOL), who was interested in me back when I worked at this restaurant.

I don't know. I feel fine. I wish my ex could see me now. This might sound dumb (I'm not sure if anyone here can relate), but, more than anything, I'd like her to be proud of me.

It's a selfish thought though. No, don't worry guys, I'm not going to break nc or anything :) It would probably cause me pain... it might cause her pain. I really did love her. And when you love someone, sometimes you've got to let them go.

16/09/08 - 8:57PM

I'm okay. Had a good day at work and just got home from dinner with my mate. Also got a chicks number (not sure if it really counts or not LOL), who was interested in me back when I worked at this restauraunt.

I dunno. I feel fine. I wish my ex could see me now. This might sound dumb (I'm not sure if anyone here can relate), but, more than anything, I'd like her to be proud of me.

It's a selfish thought though. No, don't worry guys, I'm not going to break nc or anything :) It would probably cause me pain....it might cause her pain. I really did love her. And when you love someone, sometimes you've got to let them go.
Yup. Look at you know getting numbers from girls :P. Keep your head up and pushing forward as we all are. I have not turned down any social invites and have opened myself to talking to a lot of people I have not in a while. The one is out there.

18/09/08 - 10:57 PM

Last night I chilled with my boys on the northside, had a great night. Got dinner with a mate after work tonight, haven't seen her since school finished.

Same ol same ol - no real change of emotion. However, about 15 minutes ago I came across a video of me and my ex. It was taken at a good point in our relationship - Christmas Eve 07. Its strange - I'm not sad, or upset, or anything. But like, watching her being cute to the camera, and being so... into me? I don't know. It makes me wistful. I think that's the term.

I miss her, guys. And no, I don't mean it in the "sky is falling on me miss my ex I am going to die" anymore. I miss the good times, and the little things. There is a lack of pain in that statement too "I miss her".

And no, before anyone reaches for the alarm bells, I don't intend on breaking nc :P I honestly wish her the best, even though I can't be involved with her anymore (this is just me being honest, to be involved with her at this point would only cause me pain - I wish it was more of a stronger "I don't WANT to be", more than a logical, clear thinking "I can't be"). Well, I guess my "heart" wishes she would storm the doors occasionally and beg for me to take her back but I've come so far now, those little pangs are instantly quelled and silenced. I've learnt (and assume am still learning) on how to deal with the emotions. They're just emotions. As much as my "heart" wishes she would come back, my brain knows she's not going too and more than that, is OK with it.

As soon as I sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow, this thought will be gone, but I thought I'd give it the justice of writing about it here tonight.

I'm becoming the man I want to be - a good man, a strong man, and my best self. I see this in the way I've started to handle this whole thing, along with other factors in my life. Can't change my past, or my mistakes. I can only do better in the things ahead. I am... I've made some good choices so far... and I think things like what I wrote above, shows me how I've matured in this time frame. I'm proud of myself for keeping my head up.

That's all there is to it.

How long has it been for NC?

Well, I guess my "heart" wishes she would storm the doors occasionally and beg for me to take her back but I've come so far now, those little pangs are instantly quelled and silenced.

Funny you should say that...

Almost 5 months on and I get these feelings at times. Very rarely, but they are something that will continue to happen for quite some time. Fewer and further between now, but happen nonetheless.

Hey Jai, I was going through the whole block thing you made here.. It was very impressive must say. In fact, I sud steal your idea of making one for myself because I am going through this terrible breakup period for myself rite now.
I'm really happy that you got over all this.. I wish I could too someday in near future.. because this thing is killing me like nothing.. good work man.. cheers

NC has been... a month? Over a month? I've been single now for almost two, broke nc once near the beginning. I'm out of the one day at a time thing, so time blurs now, days turn to weeks and it's easy to handle.

I told her the last time I spoke to her to only contact me if she wanted to give us another shot or otherwise to have a good life. I'd probably like to be friends after I've met someone new (which I assume would go a great way towards putting the final nail in the coffin) but I'm realistic enough to know it probably wouldn't be that simple for either of us. I might not ever be 100% OK with dealing with her and she is angy that I couldn't be her friend immediately after the breakup. Ultimately though, it's all good.

Hey Jai, I was going thru the whole block thing u made here.. It was very impressive must say. Infact, I sud steal ur idea of making one for myself coz i am going thru this terrible breakup period for myself rite now.
I m really happy that u got over all this .. i wish i could too someday in near future.. coz this thing is killin me like nothing.. good work man.. cheers

Do it man. If you're like me these thoughts are impossible to bottle and they rip you to pieces from the inside. This is probably the most supportive atmosphere I've seen on the internet and trust me, strangers kindness goes a LONG way when you feel like this.

Thanks for the kind words man. This girl was everything to me and at the start I honestly thought I was going to die. If there had been a little red button with 'the end' written on it, well, I doubt I would have hesitated. It seems a little ridiculous now but that's seriously the way I felt. This was my first breakup so next time I'll know how to deal with it better.

There is a plus side though - if I can do it, so can you! I knew this was honestly goih to show me who I was deep down and bring it to the surface, and I was both surprised and proud of who that was. Im sure you are in for the same thing. Ever asked the universe what it was all for man? Well this is it. This pain, this struggle into better times. So keep your head up, embrace it all, never give in and know that it IS going to all get better.

There are good people here who will show you the way.

September 20 - 7:35pm

Feels like I'm relapsing in a way. I went out last night with the boys, had a GREAT night, but got totally hammered. I'm 99% sure the alcohol in my system sunk me low today (last night I was fine, felt great). Don't get me wrong - I don't drink to ease the pain or whatever. But I am consciously starting to notice that maybe alcohol IS affecting me - if not when I'm drinking it, but the day after. Maybe, it's just a guess anyway, it could be a myriad of things that have got me down today.

I was going to go hang out with a buddy tonight but I got to the train station and just couldn't do it, so I turned around and came home.

The boys from last night are likewise also looking for me to hang out again tonight (we made plans to, they fell through, then they didn't, then they did, I don't know is happening), but I'm not picking up the phone.

All today I was just at home FREAKING out about everything. No I did not get emotional or cry or anything but I was definitely lying there freaking out a bit. I talked to my dad tonight about it, he said I'd probably get these days for around 6 months or so. That's a long time dad I said. He said it depended a lot on whether I hooked up with somebody else within that 6 months. Hahahaha, good ol dad.

I watched that movie again today. I don't know if I'd say it caused me pain... but... not sure. I'm not watching it again.

I'm not giving in though. I'm going to text the boys and say I'm not coming, then clean my room, clear my head, get some windows open in here, change my bedsheets, get some music happening and maybe start writing some plans. Idk, feels like I'm drowning, but I know how to swim a little too.

The alcohol depression is a hangover, sleep it off.

I've been purposely avoiding alcohol myself. Normally, I'll go out and drink once a week. But, knowing what will happen when I do drink, I avoid it.

I've been purposely avoiding alcohol myself. Normally, I'll go out and drink once a week. But, knowing what will happen when I do drink, I avoid it.

Yes... as tempted as I have been to have drinks over these past weeks I have turned them down knowing I'll feel worse afterwords. Alcohol makes you feel better but in the morning you feel twice as worse.

21 September 2008 - 7:16am

I had some really crazy ******* dreams last night, I've only slept for 4 hours, I need to get these down. Please bare with me... these do make me sound like I belong in a mental house.

The first I remember having, I was 100% lucid. My first real lucid dream. I thought it was so cool, I'd snap my fingers and have fire come out, I could fly (it was hard, but I could do it), and anything I didn't like I changed (there were these people who were trying to get me or something and I remember laughing and saying "no", waving my hand and they disappeared). ANYWAY, the crazy part was that I remember thinking "alright, I'm in my subconscious and I can do anything I want - let's get her here and ask myself some questions about my ex". However, when I thought of her/tried to summon her, she did not appear (the only thing I could not summon in the dream last night). Instead a tombstone appeared, and on it was written "Silvia left your life in between Moreton and the Cayman Islands. She is gone now." along with the letter "L".

******* CRAZY. Moreton is an island here in Australia, but, I've never been there. I'm also not 100% sure if that was what it said on the tombstone, but I know it was something similar (I wanted to wake up and write it down, and I did, but then I realised I had only written it down in another dream). So there you go, a 100% lucid dream which I could not bring my ex into, and when I tried I got some crazy grave stone. It was the only thing I COULDN'T do (I even made a second version of me in there to hang out with).

The second dream I was involved in, me and her were hanging out or something, and then we went back to her place. Things were going well until her dad saw me. I pretended to fall asleep, and he looked at me closely, then when he had decided I was asleep he went over and started to hit her, calling her insulting names and saying how she was her own worst enemy. Since I was only pretending to be asleep, I woke up and jumped on him. He left and called me a ***** for letting her use me. This dream was extremely long, it felt like days if not weeks. She wouldn't see me anymore, she was too frightened of her dad. He beat her again and again. She wouldn't admit to it but I saw the bruises and that. I ended up sneaking into the dad's room as he slept and knocking his teeth in and saying "don't hit her anymore". I was in another fight with him when I woke up from it.

I am not sure if I want to post these or not, but hopefully someone out there can offer me advice. When I woke up I was freaking out that maybe someone was abusing her but then I was like eh, it's only a dream man.

Cheers

Man you sound like me with those crappy dreams. I mean I wish I could tell you something about them but most of the time people conclude that its just emotions coming out. I mean I had a dream of my ex who I begged not to screw her life up by getting pregnant. Could she be pregnant maybe but its not mine for sure. Weird meaningless to be honest dream.

I wish I could take something so I could not dream. Every night I have a dream mostly of stupid crap.

What's weird for me is before our breakup, I would NEVER remember my dreams. Now I remember them vividly (her with other guys, hurting me, etc), and wake up 3-4 times a night. Weird how that happens. I try not to get to mad at myself, and just shrug it off. I'm positive she isn't losing any sleep over me.

What's weird for me is before our breakup, I would NEVER remember my dreams. Now I remember them vividly (her with other guys, hurting me, etc), and wake up 3-4 times a night. Weird how that happens. I try not to get to mad at myself, and just shrug it off. I'm positive she isn't losing any sleep over me.

Tell me about it. I get mad because I'm losing sleep and getting upset while she sleeps soundly without a care in the world. Life is messed up at times but the strongest survive.

While it might be mean, take solace in the fact that some day, someone will do this to her. :D It helps me out a little bit.

LOL

21/09/08 - 7:14PM

I really, really wanted to break NC earlier today, be like hey what's up how you going you want to catch up tonight just as friends?

I slept it off.

Phew

Crisis over

Don't break NC dude , keep at it

LOL

21/09/08 - 7:14PM

I really, really wanted to break NC earlier today, be like hey whats up how you going you want to catch up tonight just as friends?

I slept it off.

phew

crisis over

Good job! We all have those urges and you are defiantly getting better. Its been a tough weekend for you and you held on :)

Bravo! We've all been there! Congrats on sleeping it off.

23/09/08

Lol... I signed up for this like, online dating thing. Can't hurt right? I went to grab a photo of me off my myspace. Except it was an old one that the ex had commented on 'I love you kladsjkdasjkladsjkldsakljadsjklds whatever'. Anyway, I didn't click until I saw it, and she had changed her display picture that was next to the comment.

I mean, I only saw it for a split second, but whatever. You guys can guess what it was changed to.

Maybe it was just her with her friends, or whatever, maybe it wasn't, but, whatever, yeah, woo, that was like being punched in the face, bring it world, you can't touch me. If you want to kill me you'll have to do more than that.

I am barely hanging on right now, but that's what I'm telling myself.

If anyone's out there reading this, have any of you ever thought this -

The Silvia I knew and loved and who loved me is gone... it's almost like she died.

There's another girl out there somewhere who looks like her... and has the same name as her... but it feels like my one is gone now.

This is probably why I don't see myself ever talking to her. The girl I knew is gone now anyway.

Does anyone have any experience feeling like that? These are all new emotions to me. Still can't believe people go through this every day. Maybe I need therapy, I don't know. I'm dealing best I can.

I know EXACTLY how you feel, jai. We are are all dealing the best we can. The girls we knew are indeed long gone. As much as we don't want to admit it, they were gone long before we knew it anyway. I've been broken up for 2 months, and within a month (didn't start NC yet), I didn't have a clue who my ex was turning into. I was like, "Who the heck are you? Is this you, REALLY?"

There's another girl out there somewhere who looks like her... and has the same name as her... but it feels like my one is gone now.

I know what you mean. The strange part is that I end up asking myself whether she just changed or whether she was always like that but had never shown her true self, because the person I knew (or thought I knew) would have never acted in such a way. So yes to answer your question the bottom line is it definitely feels like she is gone now and that is why I don't think it would be easy talking to her again. Its strange because I never thought it would be so hard but I guess we live and learn.

Yeah man! I recently have just been thinking that. Each week I have to see my ex who tore my world apart, but for some reason when I see her it's like we've never met before. I hear her talk, and I see her walk, but it's nothing like I remember. She is a completely different person than I remember her being. It's a little sad, but it's actually good for me to see her this way. This is who she really is, and I'm not at all attracted to that person. I fell for the person she was faking, and then I realized... how can I have feelings for something fake?

It's kind of funny seeing her this way, because I think to myself... wow! I would never date that girl. It's funny how things work out. Just remember the good times with her, even if they feel false. It's almost like it was a really life like video game :)

If you are sincere and true, then the sincere and true will find you. Keep being strong, friend.

Isn't it weird, though? To think they were faking being someone they weren't the whole time. Or, are they faking it now? Not that it matters to us anymore, but it's still just weird to think about.

Its surprising at times and you think did they really know you so well after all.

It is so weird seeing other people going through similar feelings and experiences. I mean all of our situations are VERY different but the underlying emotions and little details are so much the same.

I too feel like my ex isn't who he used to be. I never thought he was capable of hurting me so much. The guy I love would never in a million years have done what the guy just a few months ago did. He ruined his life while he was at it and now I see him just spinning his wheels to get a new life together and make sense of what he's done. I think my NC will give me time to start looking at things from the outside. I keep trying to look at my situation like I look at others who post here. It helps to sometimes gain a better perspective but it's not easy.

In the end I don't think who we thought they were was a fake and who they became was a fake either. People have many different sides to them and some of it's good and some bad. It's just how they decide to harness it all together and keep in check the bad vs the good. We'll just have to either accept them as they were and how they are or forget them all together. If they can't be good for us all wrapped up with the good and bad then we have to just let go... isn't that the hardest part though?

Yeah but I guess those who are still sane do not become completely different , they set out very excruciating and displeasing outbursts.. I must add..

Man I love you guys, if any of you are here in Brisbane AUS hit me up and we'll go grab a beer, my shout

24/09/08 - 4:57PM

Yeah not feeling too shabby actually. I went out to lunch today with a mate and we got first night's accommodation sorted for Japan. After that we're 100% winging it and if we don't find a place to crash that day I guess we're kicking it under the stars (and hopefully away from any authorities that may have a problem with that). Whenever I tell people we're just doing it they start buzzing with excitement. "Aren't you guys scared?" And it's weird, I'm really not. This whole saga has taken fear away from EVERYTHING. I do not live my life scared anymore (my biggest fear is actually running into my ex... but I'm dealing with that as well, yeah I'm 100% OK with hitting up random countries and potentially having to find accommodation every night on limited funds but I'm scared of a girl.. lol.. come on jai).

Did I tell you I went out with my mate the other night to some girl's house who he knows? There were 2 there, we all crashed out on the mattresses together. I didn't really find much in common with either and they were strung out on 2 days of no sleep but come on I'm def. trying here :D

Also, something I did the other night was print out random quotes that have struck a chord with me about this whole thing, blow them up to A4 size and then I've taken the paper and stuck them on a wall in my bedroom behind my door. If I shut the door I have all these quotes looking back at me. I also take a pen and write random thoughts as they come to me around these quotes. I call it "The Wall". You can't see it unless you're in here with the door shut. Finally.. I've started getting together photos of me, friends, family, and general good things in my life. Over time I'll take more and more and print them off. Then, slowly, I've started adding them to the wall, and covering the quotes with them. I figure, once that wall's entirely filled with photos of me and my mates and the good things I have going for me... the quotes will be all covered, and I probably won't need them anymore. And then, I might just realise that I'm really free from all this. :)

The quote in the middle of the wall is simple:

"This is about you now!

:)"

That quote applies to most of us that find our way here guys... This is about us now!

I'll take some photos of the wall as I start filling it with photos... I thought it was a good idea. I still think it is actually.

Yeah, so right now I feel pretty good. I think half the battle with dealing with this stuff is to just get the endorphins going. The endorphins don't actually change anything in the situation, they just make you feel better about all of it. I'm packing my bag for Japan at the moment... it's pretty exciting :D Got a toothbrush... some listerine... couple spare change of underwear... I'm packing extremely light though. We don't intend on staying on any one place, so I'm packing for the run and gun experience. Hell yeah, I'm pumped, I'm looking good, and I'm young and cashed up.

Going to create some memories over there boys.

Have a good one tonight.

Jai

Sounds great Jai...

Enjoy the trip. After my breakup, my buddy and I went on a roadtrip. It was a great time.

Sounds like your set on having one hell of a good time man. That wall idea is a good one. Look at you now over at girls places :D.
Seems like you have come along way since your first post I read :)

26/09/08 - 3:31pm

Hey lads this will be my last update before I hit up Japan. I get back mid-October.

I'm feeling pretty good, got my bag packed up, all set to go... I fly early tomorrow morning.

I was reading Sneezy's 41 page thread and found it was really pretty amazing. Wish I could have had some awesome stories like that but NC is all I've given and received... no mutual friends on this side to give me information.. so yeah, all quiet on my part. I think a part of me thought she would try to get in touch with me before I left (she knew I was leaving tomorrow), but she hasn't. This is really "it" then.. I mean.. the end has already come anyway.. don't know why I feel this way.

It's hard to explain, at the start of all this, I needed something to focus attention on, and that focus turned to being: get out of Brisbane, get out of Australia and get away from all this. At some points it progressed to an even higher level, where I was on the verge of just bailing entirely on a random train out of here, never mind about work or family or commitments, just an almost overwhelming urge to run and get away.

Now it's here... There was no contact. This was really... "it". The guy I was two months ago.. I didn't really have my eyes open, and he never would have done this. But they're open now. Not to get too dramatic but this really does feel like the end of the guy I was and the beginning of the guy I am going to turn into and that SCARES me. I try not to think about what I would do to go back there, back to the familiarity, the nights together, the days together, the sex, the cuddling, the fun.. back to all that. The things I'd do to go back...

But I can't.

I wish I could (at times), but I can't. There's no way back for me. Reading that.. knowing it's true.. no way back for jai.. it upsets me.. feels like a lot of people cut me off. But you know? Maybe I'll find something better. It might not be the same, but it could be better.

I'll look forward, and not stop looking forward, until this is all over.

So bring it, Japan.

Everyone look after themselves while I'm gone, the boys (and girls) who have helped me along the way and who I have tried to help too, you all know who you are, thank you.

your buddy,

Jai

Good luck bro on your trip, its best just to get out there and take the opportunity's in front of you, who knows you might even find someone better, Best of luck! PEACE

I know how you feel but I'm not able to just up and leave at the moment. I do want to make a lot of changes and traveling would be wonderful. I especially want to quit my crappy job. Everyone is always just make sure to find a new job FIRST before you quit. I think if I quit it will FORCE me to find a new job. I wish you much luck on your journey and from my experience with moving to another place you will be a changed person when you come back. A change for the better I'm sure :)

I think a part of me thought she would try to get in touch with me before I left (she knew I was leaving tomorrow), but she hasn't. This is really "it" then.. I mean.. the end has already come anyway.. don't know why I feel this way.

For your own good you should be glad she hasn't come in touch. Believe me because in my case she found out I was leaving and the night before showed up outside my house. I still don't know what she wanted with the visit and that is irrelevant. The main thing is she managed to stir up some emotions and make me feel like $hit again.

I hope you have a great time in Japan and the person that returns is closer to the jai you aim in becoming.

Hey guys.. I'm back from Japan.. the trip itself was CRAZY. Completely rockstar way of life for the 2 weeks we were there... great memories... man.. once I got home I still couldn't believe I'd done it. I did it! I backpacked Japan.

Anyway.. due to recent events.. this will probably be the last post I make in this topic. This is the end of jai's story.. or maybe the beginning?

16/10/08

As you guys know I've been pretty much straight nc since we broke up at the end of July. As it is I haven't talked to her for 2 months or so. Anyway.. recently me and a buddy are moving out together.. and I'm leaving town. I decided that before I left I would ring her one more time to say goodbye. When I got dumped it was over in minutes. I never got to say anything. Then we hooked up again and yes, again, over in minutes.

I punched the number in (I remember it off by heart)... looked at the little green call button.. my heart was hammering.. I hit dial.

The phone started to ring...

"Hello?" "Wow..hey" "Hey who's this?" "It's...Jai."

We talked.. I found out she had a boyfriend (and was strangely OK with it).. told her about Japan. I asked if she wanted to get coffee and catch up. She seemed pretty keen. Said she'd txt me and let me know when she was finished.

Anyway, I got the txt a few hours later. Basically it said she didn't think it was a good idea, that she couldn't think of me without getting emotional, and that she was questioning why I even rang. I rang back.. she never answered. So I sent her a txt message saying, basically, that I understood, and I had rung because I was leaving town and I just wanted to say "thank you" for the good times, because it had all ended so quickly and I had jumped so quickly into NC, I never got to lay it out. Despite everything I've done and dealt with, I can't say she was not a large part of my life for the last 3 years, she was and I loved her dearly. That's basically all my txt said.. that I was leaving town and wanted to say goodbye and thank you =) And that I wished her everlasting happiness. I've been saying that to a few people lately and it's true. I was so surprised how "okay" I was with it all.

Anyway.. she txted back a few hours later and said if I was leaving, she wanted to see me before I went. "I need to." I thought about this message.. and.. I don't know. I still don't know why I replied the way I did. Maybe I do deep down.

But I said, basically, that maybe it wasn't a good idea - every time we'd meet up one of us would get confused and I didn't want to have that effect on her anymore, and with her reaction to me ringing, obviously I had. (To be honest.. when I heard she had a boyfriend and she told me she was happy.. I wanted to back off. We have too much of a "thing".. I didn't want to wreck whatever happiness she has now just because one of us got swept up in the moment if we saw each other.) I told her that I had learnt that if you love someone you want the best for them, even if it's not with you, and once again wished her well with her new relationship, and that I was glad she was happy. I said I did not want to confuse her anymore. Her biggest fear is being alone, so at the end of the message I said as long as I was still out there somewhere, she'd never have to feel alone in the world. Then I said take care.. and that was that.

Hopefully she doesn't reply, or call, or anything. I don't have much else to say.. she's happy with someone else.. and it's weird. This.. I think.. is what real love is. The ability to love someone even when they've gone, when they've left you, to want the best for them, and be able to walk away from them if that is what is the best for them. I was with her for 3 years.. and only now I learn what love is. Real love shouldn't fade when they go. I don't want to tell any of you how to love, or whatever. But real love should be there whether they are or not. I love her guys. I probably always will. Even though I can't be with her... or talk to her... the love is there. Even though I'll move on.. find someone else.. the love is there. Now I know why I called. Because I needed to know that. I needed to be able to look myself in the mirror and say 'yeah, I love her, she's gone, and I won't see her again, but I love her and want the best for her'. I needed to be able to feel mature about something at the end of this relationship. I never got to be mature about it. I was thrown so quickly into NC trying to survive, everything stayed bottled.

I'm OK with the way I handled things.. any opinions here? Buster said hopefully the me that came back from Japan was closer to the me I wanted to be.. and I think it was.. I wanted to be able to close this all on a good note and wish her well.. and I did.. and that blows my mind a little bit, that I'm able to do that. I didn't think I'd ever be able to do that...

This was really it... learning she had moved on... saying goodbye.. I've come to the end of the road now. The real end of the road. Nothing more really to knock the wind out of me about the situation anymore, hey? All I've experienced.. this was it.. knowing she had definitely moved on.

I'll be out of town within the month I think.. new life awaits maybe? I'll probably take a break from AMHD. I've realised lately I come here and read, which just makes me think of it more. Time to get rid of the crutch.. I know enough on how to survive now.. and it's time to spend less time here and more time putting these things in to action. I want to come back in a few months to hopefully help some of the new guys when I'm on top of the world.

Anyway boys... let me know how you think I handled it.. it was a big day and I'm still sort of "wow" about it, so some kind words would soothe the demons a bit.

Catch you fellas on the flip. And thanks for everything.

Your buddy

Jai

Hey guys, it's been a while. I hope you're all doing well :)

Two months ago me and my ex had contact for a few days. It was a complete mistake - she ended up choosing the other guy over me. Since then I've been out with other women, you know, I'm a young guy with my stuff together so I get myself out there. But on that last contact certain things were said to me that from time to time pop up and I can't phase them out, I'd dig it if you guys could read them and tell me what you think.

Anyway, like I said, 2 months ago we had contact. She chose the other guy over me, which was a little gutting, but I went away to think it over. I said **** it. "If this is what it takes to keep each other in our lives, I will be your friend." Yeah - I said that, and I intended to stick with it. However, a few days later, we got into a huge argument. It came entirely out of left-field - I didn't get angry, but she did. This is what she said to me (paraphased): she said that she could not believe how ugly I was now. That I was ugly to her, and "an empty, soulless womanizer and a thrill-seeking yuppy".

Womanizer - she pointed me to my myspace blogs (that she somehow found a way to read - she shouldn't have been able to) and my one comment about wanting to join the mile high club.

Thrillseeking yuppy - after the breakup I tried to take everything in, and decided to go and backpack Japan with some friends.

Soulless/ugly - still don't know where this part came from.

I honestly couldn't believe what I was hearing. A womanizer? I'd spent the entire time up to that point trying to move on, feeling bad most days because I thought about her constantly. I couldn't be a womanizer if I tried. Anyway, I went to bed. The next morning I saw her on MSN again before she went to work. I asked her about the previous night - she said she "didn't really remember much of what she said, but she remembered being upset".

I casually passed it off, disarmed the situation and told her to try and have a good day at work. And then, sadly, I went and reblocked her on my instant messengers, deleted her number again, and put up mail filters on all my email addresses. I didn't have the heart to say goodbye again - I just did this all quietly and sadly when she went to work that morning. The entire thing was tearing me up - I said I'd try my best to be friends, but after that I was just like, what's the point? I wouldn't be friends with anyone else who said that BS to me. (there are also other reasons that I won't go into right now.) Like I said, this was 2 months ago. I haven't heard from her since and don't intend to again.

What gets me is the fact that, if she really didn't remember what she said that night, she'll never really know why I disappeared again. And her little character attack definitely made some sort of impact. I still think it was entirely off base... but it still sits here and I still think about it. And she doesn't even know.

Thanks for listening to my BS. And Merry Christmas guys :)

People say hurtful things when they are hurting. Like many women I've known, it sounds like she wants the best of both worlds -- she's got her new guy, but she also has unresolved feelings for you, too. You're doing the right thing by staying away. I've just posted my story about my ex's invasion of privacy -- so your blog episode sounds familiar.

You should be seeking thrills and recovering your equilibrium. Happy holidays and best of luck.

Well its not BS if it upsets you. You have made the decision not to be friends... you have removed her from MySpace... etc. You have taken steps not to have her in your life even as just a friend. She chose another guy over you and slandered your character... you have had enough, is there really anything to discuss with her? Ignore it and move FORWARD. She might of not remembered everything she said because she was intoxicated or maybe doesn't want to own up to what she said (after she had time to think about what came out)... in any event, is this something you continually want to deal with? Your young, attractive, have your head screwed on straight, have objectives, goals, aspirations and other female prospective's. Deal with these unresolved issues, get passed it and find a nice girl to spend your time with that doesn't play immature games.

I think CB is right, when someone attacks your character, they are usually extremely upset themselves. Misery loves company, and for some reason, she was, at that time, very hurt by whatever it was she thought you were doing. The important thing to remember is that you know your own character, and that is all that matters... however, to you, there are issues out on the table you still feel are unresolved, otherwise, this wouldn't upset you that much.

True she may have been hurt but this doesn't change the underling factor that she chose someone else.

Her choosing someone else has nothing to do with this, in my opinion. The underlying factor here is how deep a wound it has cut in Cowboy... clearly her comments stirred up emotions that wouldn't have otherwise been stirred up. Perhaps, though, as you say, maybe this was the icing on the cake. Not only did she choose another guy, but she also said some extremely hurtful comments regarding his character... either way, she had to have been hurting to do that (I would hope she isn't normally that mean).

Consider the source, angry female, intent on doing damage, and disregard!

Not worth the time to dwell on it, and that was her intentions, to put something on your head, to disrupt your peace of mind.

Looks like she accomplished her mission.

I really miss her. I don't know what exactly is bringing all this to the surface right now. She was my best friend for 3 years. That's what hurts the most - the fact she's gone entirely. If that thought sinks in (and it has been for the past few days) it is massive and I can barely handle it.

It's been 5 months now and except for two times that was all spent NC. I've done crazy things, why does it keep coming back.

You need more time, and more NC.

I can totally relate. I think that's why instant no contact is also important. Because each you you say "one last thing" it opens the chance up for something to be said that totally s with your head for months and months on end. I did the same thing a few months ago when my ex contacted me.

All my ex's live in Texas, that's why I live in Tennessee.

Detox my man... don't have contact for 4 months at least.

Then you'll see her more clearly: as the impulsive, rude girl she is, that you found sexy once because she was unattainable. But, as you cool down, are blessed its someone ELSE'S headache my man.

Ash makes a really good point! Once you detox (from NC, none other) you get to really decompress and see the person for who they really are... sometimes it's a sobering realization (or makes you WANT to be not-sober).

I once had an ex (after a 5 year relationship) make absolutely disgraceful, disparaging remarks to me. Like you, they lingered for a long time inside my head and I allowed them to bring me down. After 6 months of NC, I heard from her again and I chuckled, as I fully realized what kind of person she REALLY was...

I know it's tough man, but keep on trucking and move on with life. Good luck.

After 6 months of NC, I heard from her again and I chuckled, as I fully realized what kind of person she REALLY was...

I know it's tough man, but keep on trucking and move on with life. Good luck.

Yes, time is all you have... so, don't waste it... get to work logging days to clarity :-)

It was so weird LOL. I've been NC for about a year now (broke up just over a year ago), and then all of a sudden I walk out of my office and come face to face with her. She was apparently hired by someone at my work to decorate for a business function we had going on. Its kind of weird because I live and work on opposite sides of town, I don't think I ever expected to see her again

I was struck kind of dumb and stopped walking and stared at her (we were very close). I also started to get so irrationally angry it was ridiculous (something like LOL, she has the nerve to turn up here?! ). We made eye contact, and then she looked away and looked all sad, and then I walked off. Didn't say a word

Been NC for so long, someone telling me I did the right thing would be great

Yeah, it was a weird day yesterday

I'm assuming she left you? Her loss right?!

Let her be sad.

Yeah she did, over a year ago. I came here a lot then for guidance. A few times after I popped back to offer some

I was just annoyed with myself that she could still provoke a reaction, even if it was a completely silent one

Entire story merged

That's quite the roller-coaster ride you have here. But no contact is the right way to go if you want to completely heal.

Here are the no contact rules:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/nc-rules-faqs-332732.html

To help you fight the urges of breaking the rules:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/fighting-urges-break-nc-rules-351302.html

Eventually, chances are, you will need to face the ex eventually, and although you haven't seen her for a year, there will be some sort of reaction. Even if you thought it might happen, emotion has a way of dictating the reaction.

She probably had the benefit of knowing there was a chance of seeing you, and you didn't. She was prepared, you weren't. When that happens, naturally shock will smack you hard. Anger is a pent up emotion, that usually masks fear. I think that it is not a stretch to think that you were caught off guard, and reacted defensively. She is in your space, right out of the blue, where you never expected to see her. Impossible to react without emotion. Had it been me, I likely would have screamed and ran away. :)

Your reaction was shock. And it didn't mean anything. It's not like you went home and cried in your pudding, and decided that you have to win her back. Nothing has changed in that regard from what I've read.

It's natural to react the way you did, don't give it another thought.

Hahaha, wow, this merged topic is awesome

And yeah, she definitely knew there was a chance of seeing me there, she knew I worked there and honestly after the things we've been through actually turning up there in my workplace surprised me hardcore. Do you know how many times back when I first started coming here, I used to think about her turning up outside my office door? Just being there? Then it actually happened but it didn't go down at all like in my daydreams LOL

Thanks for the support guys. She's emailed me, txt'd and done all sorts of things since we've broken up to try and communicate with me and I've ignored them all. Hopefully she draws the line at stalking me at work (:D yes I realise I am exaggerating slightly with that one... I hope)

Good to see you back for an update CJ! :) I would have had the same reaction, albeit probably a little more animated and colorful. I think you handled it extremely well. Hope everything else is good with you!

Hey kc! How you been? I should start coming here more to give the newer guys any nuggets of wisdom I can dig up. God knows how much I appreciated you guys 12 months ago

And yeah, if I had said something, I'm not sure what it would have been, but if it was translated into text for you guys to read it would definitely have been all in caps and full of rage.

Hi Cowboy.

That is a truly uncanny encounter you had! The basics of your story are very similar to mine from many years ago. Your situation when you suddenly found yourself face to face with your exe at your place of work is uncannily similar to mine a few months back when I suddenly found myself face to face with my ex from 10 years ago who is nowing working in my local store. What is also so uncanny is that fact you mentioned your ex was brought in to decorate for a busniess meeting - some kind of interior designer maybe. Very similar to my ex now!

What you felt emotionally and how you reacted when suddenly faced with your ex are nothing out of the ordinary, and likewise for your ex in the way she reacted and no doubt felt emotionally too. As has already been mentioned, she no doubt had time to prepare herself mentally and emotionally. I wouldn't be surprised if your ex had doubts in doing the job knowing you may still be there. I wouldn't have been surprised if she would have felt slightly emotionally fearful and nervious, a kind of High Noon countdown situation waiting for the inevitable gunfight! It sounds though, based on your description of her body language reaction that the past year has allowed her to move forward as well. Not being able to speak to you and maintaining eye contact speaks of someone who may still harbour feelings of regret and anger and even sadness at the way things developed, which is normal. To suddenly find yourself quite literally feet away from an ex partner from a bad break-up will always bring back memories of hurt and emotional pain. That's why people always try and distance themselves from past partners, not to protect themselves emotionally from any hurt they may have felt from the break-up, but more down to the way they used to feel about the other partner pre break-up. It's that feeling of knowing that there was something they used to have but have no more.

Either way I think you both handled the situation very well.