I want to see and talk to my ex who cheated but it's only been 2 weeks since I last saw him and I moved everything out just this last weekend. I've had no contact with him except for email and text of logistics of my move. I know he feels terrible now that I'm gone and I miss him. I feel like I'm in a limbo and I need to talk to him about everything and what he's thinking in order to move on. Is that just being self destructive? How do I handle this? If I really want to know how he's feeling now that everything is said and done should I call him or just send and short email asking how he feels after everything? I don't know if I'm ready for a bad response and if it's a good response I'm clueless as to what to do with that.

I went through the same thing. My ex cheated on me with a good friend of mine and I moved out. I continued to have contact with him and was still "seeing" him for 8 months after we broke up. (if you know what mean) Anyway, the second that I stopped talking to him, my life FINALLY moved on... I had to move on. ENOUGH was ENOUGH. I think that there really is never any right or wrong answer only you know what you need. I DO believe however that the more you talk/see/text/email him the harder it will be for you to move on. When I got married to another man, I don't know why but I felt that I had to contact my ex, before the wedding to get closure. We went out for a beer and it was the SAME bs that he was doing/saying/acting like 5 years ago! He still didn't have a job, car, money and he still had all these excuses. It was great for closure!
I guess what I am trying to get at is, wait until you are strong enough to say NO and wait until you find an amazing man! Every relationship is better then the one before because you learn your mistakes, and you learn what you want and don't want.
You will be just fine, but once a cheater always a cheater and you don't need that in your life. And I know you want to talk to him but just Don't. I wish that I never would have after we broke up.
Get out there and meet a better man! There are lots out there! I know I found mine! :-) GOOD LUCK!

I went through the same thing. My ex cheated on me with a good friend of mine and I moved out. I continued to have contact with him and was still "seeing" him for 8 months after we broke up. (if you know what mean) Anyways, the second that I stopped talking to him, my life FINALLY moved on.... I had to move on. ENOUGH was ENOUGH. I think that there really is never any right or wrong answer only you know what you need. I DO believe however that the more you talk/see/text/email him the harder it will be for you to move on. When I got married to another man, I dont know why but I felt that I had to contact my ex, before the wedding to get closure. We went out for a beer and it was the SAME bs that he was doing/saying/acting like 5 years ago! He still didnt have a job, car, money and he still had all these excuses. It was great for closure!
I guess what I am trying to get at is, wait until you are strong enough to say NO and wait until you find an amazing man! Every relationship is better then the one before because you learn your mistakes, and you learn what you want and dont want.
You will be just fine, but once a cheater always a cheater and you dont need that in your life. And I know you want to talk to him but just DONT. I wish that I never would have after we broke up.
Get out there and meet a better man! There are lots out there! I know I found mine! :-) GOOD LUCK!

Wow thanks for sharing your experience did he cheat again is that why after the extra 8 months you had enough? That's amazing he met up with you after all that time. I guess I just have this false hope that my ex will change that after everything it will have had a positive effect on him. I think people can change for the better but maybe not. I don't know... In my fantasy world he would see that I was the right one for him all along and now that I'm gone he knows what he's missing. We would talk and things would be so much better because of this difficult time. Bad odds on that huh? :( I'm also afraid if I wait too long to let him know I'm thinking of him and want to talk that he will completed shut me out. I feel like I'm in such a lose lose situation.

I think what you need is some time alone. Trust me that's what did it for me... I went out with friends went on dates... and read LOTS of self help books. But eventually you will move on and find a great guy! Like I said there is so many wonderful caring men out there, just give it time and you will be blessed with one of them:-)

There's nothing wrong with wanting closure. You need it to move on. It's understandable that you still care for him. He cheated and he may be sorry for that, but if you are sure in your heart that it is over then soon the two of you may actually be able to be friends. Your feelings are natural and it sounds like you are just going through the normal steps with your emotions. It is healthy to grieve for what was good in your life. I think you're doing just fine.

Who cares how about his feelings and how he's coping with everything. Remember if you didn't bring to light about him cheating with his best friend wife, he would still be doing it. Was he there when you needed him the most, no. Did he cherish or cared about you when he was with you, no. You already expressed your feelings and now it's time to start thinking about you and putting you first. He hurting you and how cause he's going feel down, maybe hopeless because now he has no one, you nor his friend wife. So what if he move on, you need to do the same and take the advice given to you in your previous post and let go. Accept it's over and move on. He was not thinking about you when he had an affair over and over with his friend and if he really cared or felt gulity there would not have been a 3th, 4th,5th... time. Just let go you owed him nothing. Let him drown in his misery.

OK I kind of was in your situation, except my ex didn't cheat on me (but kind of did in a way) our relationship had so much drama in it.. we broke up and got back together 3 times.. each time I forgave him and he promised change.. I ended it FOR GOOD a couple weeks ago..

Kind of getting my drift? People don't change, they are who they are, and if they can cheat once, and realize they can get away with it , what's to stop them from doing it again?

I lost all trust in my ex possible, (assuming you have lost all trust in your guy as well) and it's a really really hard thing to get back..

Move on hunny and meet new people.. I'm currently dating an amazing guy right now, I was surprised I was able to move on a date so fast, but it's awesome and I'm enjoying my time with him whether it will go somewhere..

Go back out in the dating world.. it's a lot of fun, remember those butterflyes you felt when a new boy touches your hand? It's a blast, go have fun!

Your concern for him, is not touching at all, but shows you do not love yourself enough! Sorry, before you have sympathy for him, and his pain, think about the pain he caused you, that hurt you enough to leave, and rightfully so. Don't let pity make you follow a really bad choice here, unless you're a glutton for punishment.

Your concern for him, is not touching at all, but shows you do not love yourself enough! Sorry, before you have sympathy for him, and his pain, think about the pain he caused you, that hurt you enough to leave, and rightfully so. Don't let pity make you follow a really bad choice here, unless your a glutton for punishment.

:( I'm causing myself unnecessary suffering huh? Do you think if he cared for me he would have checked up on me by now? This whole situation is starting to effect my well being. At first I was just shocked then between sad and angry now I feel sick to my stomach and can't sleep right. I just want to feel better about everything. I thought that talking to him and hearing something that would just click in my head to make everything feel like it is right is what I need. I feel so alone in all this.

I just want to feel better about everything

The only way to feel better is if you stop worrying about what he is feeling and concentrate on yourself. I can assure you that he is definitely confused and knows he messed things up but that should not be your worry. The only thing talking to him would do to you is to confuse you even more and make it harder to move on. All the feelings you have described are normal and will not go away overnight. It will take time but they will slowly fade away. Its been 5 weeks of no contact for me and I still miss her a lot, and still feel quite lonely at times although I have my friends around. She has been calling me and txting me all this time and although I really want to answer and find out how she is I know that would just take me back to day 1 and that is definitely somewhere I would not want to go back to. So I suggest you stay strong and give yourself the time to clear your mind and see things for how they really are before you talk to him. The healing process will take time but will teach you a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know.

Do you have any friends or family to help you through this? Right down you need to be tough and this break-up is interfering with your well-being, then there's nothing wrong with seeing a counsellor. I think at least this part of your break-up you would at least have stop putting his feelings first instead of your because you did nothing wrong, only him. I been following and even posting in your previous threads and you need to see what type of looser this guy was. It takes a day at a time but having contact only makes it worst. In the end, you'll a very strong person becase what don't kill you only makes you stronger.

Why are you so worried about your ex? That's exactly what he is now...
In the PAST~~~>>> keep him there!!

Why are you so worried about your ex?? That's exactly what he is now..........
In the PAST~~~>>> keep him there!!!!!

I guess I am at a weak point in my life and we lived together over half of our 5 and a half years together. I just don't understand things and I'm horribly depressed about it. I worry about him because I still care even though I shouldn't I still do. He was a huge part of my life and I was working at making our relationship better. I'm embarrassed to tell my friends so I've just been staying at my brothers until I figure out what to do with my life. I just moved out on a whim and had no arrangements. My life seems so ruined. My brother works nights and is always asleep during the day, so I'm alone a lot of the time. The one friend I have that would probably understand lives kind of far and again I'm ashamed to tell her what's happened. Everyone thought we were so perfect for each other. I even thought that. Now when everyone finds out we split up they are going to be all surprised and want to know what happened. I did nothing wrong but I feel like I'm the one that helped things fall apart. I've never been through this so that is why I'm so stuck in the past. How long will it take to feel stronger and better about everything?

You're stuck in the past because you're going through a time of shock.

It's all up to YOU how long that process will take.

Only when you have NO CONTACT with him,will the healing begin.

One thing I want to ask you is whether you are embarrassed to tell your friends or whether you still have that hope that you will get back together and you are worried that if you tell your friends then there is no chance of that happening because everything will be out on the open? I am asking this because it was really hard for me to tell my friends, not because I was embarrassed but because deep inside I had this hope that we would get back together and if no one knew then it would be fine, but if people knew then it would be real and I knew that there would be no way I could accept her back.
It will really help you talking to someone about this so I would suggest you call or even visit your friend. Bringing it out in the open are the first steps of accepting the situation.

You did absolutely nothing to help things fall apart. Don't put the blame on yourself because he is the only one to blame about this. Now as to how long it will take to feel stronger and good about everything that is totally up to you. Start building your life again but this time without him. It won't be easy but you will get through this trust me!

No matter what you did or didn't do, it didn't cause the affair only his crappy choices did. But you are still very early in the betrayal trauma aftermath, be patient & loving with yourself. It was a long term relationship that was ruined by his cheating, you have a lot of mourning to get past.

The only true closure is that which you give yourself, it has nothing to do with his actions or lack of them. He can answer some questions for you but at this point you can't even trust you will get honest answers from him.

A good book to start with just to start giving yourself closure by learning more about the affair aspects & its effect on you is:

Amazon.com: Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity: Shirley P. Glass, Jean Coppock Staeheli: Books (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0743225503?ie=UTF8&tag=betra-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0743225503)

He ran you over with a steamroller of deceptions to shatter your life & heart but can't be bothered to take a few seconds out of his life to check to see how you are doing after FIVE YRS together? There's all your closure you need right there! Of course it's not that simple or automatic for your heart, but still be true to your commitment to yourself to get through this successfully in the best way for you & take one baby step at a time to accomplish that one day at a time.

Good for you for going NC as long as you have & not letting yourself be any further mistreated by him, that's a GIANT step in the right direction. It may be that he does change, but until you see actions to prove that, you know he's not & you need to protect yourself from putting any more of your precious life into the hands of a cheater.

One thing I want to ask you is whether you are embarassed to tell your friends or whether you still have that hope that you will get back together and you are worried that if you tell your friends then there is no chance of that happening because everything will be out on the open?

I am actually really only embarrassed that my relationship failed and the reason why it failed. The only people are the ones that I have told are that are closest to me my dad and brother. They warned me about really thinking about going back to him if it was even an option. I know they would question me going back especially if it was so soon. They are the poor ones that had to help me move out. I told them if it was even an option that it wouldn't be for a few month if at all. I did break the no contact and sent an email asking what he was thinking about everything. He said it was the right thing but it wasn't easy to have me gone. He regrets everything and is feeling the torment of the consequences of what he's done. He lost he best friends and me and her. So at least he has to learn from making this stupid choice but I still can't be completely mad at him. I replied to his response with this super long message telling him all the important things that have been bothering me as well as if he thought he could talk to me about what's he's going through. I was so scared to get the response but I feel it would give me the closure or whatever it was I needed. It felt really good to get what I had to say off my chest. So his response was a watered down version of what has happened since and that he's been drinking a lot. He even admitted being wreckless with his life when he got caught but his friend. He said he is sorry for hurting me and losing me as his friend and he feels like he has nobody after everything. He said he would write more about the email later when he hadn't been drinking. So now what? I already told him not to drink and I'd be there for him if he needed to talk. I didn't ask to get back together I just let him know my side of things. What's this drinking BS?

What you really need is time to cope with the hurt, and betrayal. Its far to soon to forgive anyone at this point, and you should focus on you, and not him.

His actions caused this, so let the emotional dust settle. Give yourself a chance to get healthier and can think about what you want.

Your ex is trash. Find a better guy whose going to respect you.

What you really need is time to cope with the hurt, and betrayal. Its far to soon to forgive anyone at this point, and you should focus on you, and not him.

His actions caused this, so let the emotional dust settle. Give your self a chance to get healthier and can think about what you want.


So is it bad that I would be forgiving? I figure what's done is done and hopefully he'll learn from it. I sure know I've learned a lot from all this. I've never had trust issues with him ever I'm telling you there is something very bad going on with him and it worries me. I think now that I know he is being more and more destructive it will be easier to pull away and focus on me. People like that only drag everyone down with them huh? How sad :(

Your ex is trash. Find a better guy whose going to respect you.

I've been thinking a lot about that. He showed me no respect whatsoever. Now only after the fact does he see because he is experiencing the aftermath of the reactions of everyone who has found out. I warned him and now he sees what he was doing has hurt everyone involved including himself.

People like that only drag everyone down with them.

Yes,exactly!


Now he sees what he was doing has hurt everyone involved including himself.

He now knows what his behaviour has done to everyone :)...

... But watch out,that he doesn't drag you back unto himself :( with his
Destructive tendencies.

His cheating shows he was on a self sabotaging binge & the drinking is just part of that. You were just the collateral damage. What set that self sabatoging mindset in place for him, only he would have the full answers to that & usually only with concerted self study or professional help.

Lot's of people are sorry they got caught but not so sorry they cheated. With the first there is no chance of a good healthy reconciliation unless & until they get out of that mindset. With the second, they will do all they can not to create any new damage to their partner & the marriage plus clean up the betrayal chaos they caused as best they can. It may take some time to tell which is which with a cheater but should not be too extended a period. They need to accept full responsibility for their own crappy choices which had nothing to do with anything the partner did or didn't do to "cause" the cheating. It was a result purely of their own poor judgment, misconceptions & lack of ability to act with the right sort of character / morals / values / priorities at that point in time.

In either case, your better bet is to take the best care of yourself that you can & put in place what you need for your wonderful life, which may or may not include him in it as either a friend or a partner. It takes a lot to make proper peace with the fact you were cheated on & the repercussions of that since it changes what you thought your life would be like to one that is full of uncertainty for a time.

Take that time for yourself & know that you are not to blame for what he's done. You are fully able to make better choices for you & your life then he is demonstrating he's capable or willing to make at least for now & don't let yourself get dragged down with him in that pit of self destruction.

Good Luck!

Your better bet is to take the best care of yourself that you can.

That's all that matters,now,taking care of yourself :) & in time [though don't put a limit
On it] you will recover. :)

What set that self sabatoging mindset in place for him, only he would have the full answers to that & usually only with concerted self study or professional help.

The last communication I sent to him I basically said the to him. I told him he has been acting so out of character and he is suffering the consequences due to his poor choices. I told him he should try to figure out why he has been doing so many bad things and making bad choices. The last message I sent him was pretty harsh and he hasn't responded so maybe he will stop contacting me and now my journey to my new life without him can begin. I do feel a little better after everything. The missing what we had and our little life together (when things were good) is going to be the hardest part from here out.

That's all that matters,now,taking care of yourself :) & in time [though don't put a limit
on it] you will recover. :)


Yes I really need to work on recovering from this horrible ordeal. I've been trying to keep busy but it's tough.

You will find a lot of support from others going through the same experience at:

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com)

Many are trying to work through the betrayal with their cheating partner, but many aren't (don't want to or did not have the choice to) & all have been impacted by the betrayal choas. It may help to work out all your feelings with kindred souls that know exactly what you are going through in trying to put your life back together after a blow like this.

You will find a lot of support from others going thru the same experience at:

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com)

Many are trying to work thru the betrayal but many are not & all have been impacted by the betrayal choas. It may help to work out all your feelings with kindred souls that know exactly what you are going thru in trying to put your life back together after a blow like this.
OK thanks for all your advise. So glad I came across this site it helps a lot! It is kind of the only place I can vent right now.

Oops, just noticed I left out a few crucial words & corrected my above post! Many are trying to salvage their relationships but many aren't or can't is what I meant to say, my fingers & brain didn't coordinate that too well, LOL.

That is why I recommended that site, you would be able to constructively vent with others knowing exactly what you are going through & they are very supportive people there with unfortunately, way too much betrayal experience & wisdom learned the hard way to be there for you. There is also a Healing Library there that has great info.

This is an awesome site too, I'm very glad I finally came across it!

You will be more than OK when this dark time of your life is over if you make a commitment to yourself not to let it ruin one bit or second more than it absolutely has to & then put into place the actions you must to make that true for you. It's not easy nor will it be automatic for a while, but the better care you take of yourself, the better it will get for you over time. It just feels horrible right now & that's easily understandable since you are barely past Devastation Day (DDay) when all hell broke loose for you.

Hang in there!

Oops, just noticed I left out a few crucial words & corrected my above post! Many are trying to salvage their relationships but many aren't or can't is what I meant to say, my fingers & brain didn't coordinate that too well, LOL.

That is why I recommended that site, you would be able to constructively vent with others knowing exactly what you are going thru & they are very supportive people there with unfortunately, way too much betrayal experience & wisdom learned the hard way to be there for you. There is also a Healing Library there that has great info.

This is an awesome site too, I'm very glad I finally came across it!

You will be more than OK when this dark time of your life is over if you make a commitment to yourself not to let it ruin one bit or second more than it absolutely has to & then put into place the actions you must to make that true for you. It's not easy nor will it be automatic for a while, but the better care you take of yourself, the better it will get for you over time. It just feels horrible right now & that's easily understandable since you are barely past Devastation Day (DDay) when all hell broke loose for you.

Hang in there!

I feel like nothing but seeing him and him making me feel OK is going to help. Last night I couldn't sleep at all and I sent him a text telling him how I was feeling. He didn't respond. He also never responded to my replies (which I sent in the wee hours of the morning on Sunday) to his emails to me. His emails were apologizing and that I was a great person he was sad to have ruin things with us. Most likely he hasn't replied because I ranted and raved about how he needs to stop drinking and just accept the consequences of his choices. What do I do now? I felt like I was going to have communications with him but now he's just cut me off for now. If he doesn't text back should I take a hint and how long should I wait? I'm in between frustrated and wanting to be angry with him. This whole thing is killing me inside and it's starting to make me lose concentration at work:(

I feel like nothing but seeing him and him making me feel ok is going to help. Last nite I couldn't sleep at all and I sent him a text telling him how I was feeling. He didn't respond. He also never responded to my replies (which I sent in the wee hours of the morning on Sunday) to his emails to me. His emails were apologizing and that I was a great person he was sad to have ruin things with us. Most likely he hasn't replied because I ranted and raved about how he needs to stop drinking and just accept the consequences of his choices. What do I do now? I felt like I was going to have communications with him but now he's just cut me off for now. If he doesn't text back should I take a hint and how long should I wait? I'm in between frustrated and wanting to be angry with him. This whole thing is killing me inside and it's starting to make me lose concentration at work:(


He has severe problems, you don't.

Find a better guy as I stated before.

He's using the NO CONTACT rule on you,so you'd be better to have no more
replies to him.

He's using the NO CONTACT rule on you,so you'd be better to have no more
replies to him.
Yes I figure if he doesn't respond and if I send another message now that he hasn't responded to any of mine (even though it hasn't been a day for the text and 1 day for the email) that I'll end up looking worse than I already do. Last night I thought really hard about all the advise and if it was worth being with him again and I honestly felt it was worth it. I think I can see where things went wrong and I feel like it can be worked out. He's not a bad person after 5yrs I know him well and even though this was out of character for him I truly feel like he can change. He said I was the best most kind genuine person he'll ever meet and he's sorry he hurt me. So why won't he respond now? I think it maybe because I somewhat threw in his face what he did and I apologized for it because if I was going to try to move past that I shouldn't have done it. I did tell him I wasn't lecturing but just being brutally honest about the situation. Since he didn't reply I'm guessing he didn't like it or couldn't take it. I just can't let go of 5yrs with someone I truly love and am willing to forgive. I'm so hurt and confused:(

Five yrs is a long time relationship wise. And if this is out of character for him there is some chance of redemption there. The fact he has apologized for it speaks well for him too, so NEVER do.

As to why he doesn't respond, could be a vary of things. Some good, some bad. He doesn't want to face the consequences like your anger or how much he has hurt you. Or he just may not know how to do that, figures you've been hurt enough & the less he says the less chance of causing you any more anguish.

For someone to cheat & betray the person they love means they were not thinking straight & that doesn't always go away magically or automatically once the affair is no longer a secret. The cheater may sincerely be sorry, want to restore the relationship & be willing to put in the needed effort but don't know how to do that. And there may still be some what is called "foggy" thinking going so they can't figure things out very well on their own to make things right the way they deeply want to, if indeed that is the case.

If the cheater stays truly unrepentant & remorseful, the betrayed partner has no other healthy choice than to let them go. If instead the cheater is truly sorry & wants another chance then it's up to them to earn that which then means the betrayed partner has to decide whether to give them that option or not.

If this is the first time he's been busted & he's apologizing, giving him SOME benefit of the doubt isn't a bad thing as long as it doesn't cost you too much. Only you know his history to figure out whether moving immediately without a backward glance or keeping the reconciliation door opened at least a crack to see what he does is best for you. Actions will speak louder than words but not knowing what to do is very different from not being willing to take the proper steps after learning what those are.

Expecting closure from him is a mistake because ultimately that is something only you can give yourself. What he can do, if he's willing, is to give you answers to questions that you want / need. That is often a grueling process after a DDay whether you stay together. The truth there hurts, a lot. But it can also be a very beneficial process for both of you is handled correctly (& that's a big tricky part). Those answers will not necessarily help you but the fact that is willing to face you with the truth is, it can be a mutually healing process so the emotional baggage from this relationship doesn't get unnecessarily dragged onto the next one or to clear the air so restoration of your relationship together is possible.

There is a lot of helpful info regarding that on the SI site (the Surviving Infidelity one I already gave you the link to). In case I didn't mention it already, I would suggest you read the Not Just Friends book to start, Glass has what I consider one of the best affair recovery books in the field, whether you stay together or not it will help you understand betrayal & its effects much better. That's a great starting place & there are also many other sources of help, many free online to put together a great relationship despite the shambles he created with the betrayal.

Amazon.com: Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity: Shirley P. Glass, Jean Coppock Staeheli: Books (http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1219775279&sr=8-1)

I wouldn't suggest at all you run after him begging for him to come back, he needs to want that as badly as you do & to help you heal from what he's done. The fact that he cheated once doesn't automatically mean he will keep being a cheater if that's not what he wants for his life. It will be an incredibly hard process & take a long time to get successfully past the betrayal. But it's not impossible & many couples do in fact do exactly that.

The more you know what is going to be required to put the relationship back on track in general & what you need specifically to make it work for you, the better if he wants to work on another chance with you. Another suggestion I have for you is to read the article on how marital therapy can be hazardous to your marriage on the Smart Marriages site, that will help in case you two go to a therapist to weed out one that can make things worse more quickly even if you're not married per se.

William Doherty: How Therapy Can be Hazardous to Your Marital Health (http://www.smartmarriages.com/hazardous.html)

It's a confusing awful time for both, so you don't have to write him off immediately if you are seeing some signs of genuine regret on his part. Without that, there is nothing to work with in order to be able to recreate a good relationship for both of you. For right now, again just take good care of yourself the best you can. That alone is a huge challenge for anyone that's been betrayed right after they've just found out.

Actions will speak louder than words but not knowing what to do is very different from not being willing to take the proper steps after learning what those are.

One is done in ignorance [ie:not knowing what to do] while the other [ not being willing to take the proper steps] is not considering the person/s you have hurt & considering their feelings.