Hello,
I am new to this site. I just need someone to talk to. I am 42, single and I have a best friend whom I've known for almost 6 years now. At the beginning when her husband worked away from home 4 days out of the week, she and I were able to do more fun things together, ex; fish, day travels, movies, out to eat, etc but since he retired 2 years ago, he just sits around the house and has no friends and he doesn't want any and he controls his wife, my friend, and now she and I hardly do anything together. He puts on the "poor me, I'm so alone" face, but when she sits with him, he treats her like she's not even there. He has admitted to me that he is jealous of her and I's friendship at the beginning, and I told him that there was no reason to be jealous, he had his brother at the time who was his everything, they hung out together all the time and she never said a word. Now, when she wants to do something with me, he lets her know, indirectly, that its not OK, for example, he'll pout when she gets home, or ask her what took her so long, or he'll even call her and ask her stupid questions like can their daughter have ice cream! This man is going to be 60! He has admitted that he doesn't like "women like me" who are more "vocal". I am not a B!t(h, by far, but I don't like men who are controlling and always angry just under the skin and he is like that. He's very two faced and goes around like his wife is so mean and I'm mean and he's so poor, when really the truth is: He doesn't want her, but he also doesn't want anyone else to have her! People who know him see it, but what am I to do? I miss my best friend. We've had so many laughs and fun times together and now it seems like we have nothing. She tells me she wants to be with me, but she's afraid of making him mad. Please help me, be gentle.
Thanks

It is not your choice and you have no option in this matter. It is up to your friend to do or not do things. Sorry but if you push things too far, the husband who seems to be controlling things could really just shut you off.

Unfortunately this is a tough situation for everyone involved here. Ultimately spouse has to come first. That's always a source of conflict between two friends when one is married and the other is single. More importantly, though, it's necessary to get at the root of the husband's issues, both for the sake of their marriage and for the sake of your friendship. This man has always obviously been emotionally distant, being away from home 4 days a week during his working years and being distant as you describe towards his wife in retirement. That may just be his nature or there may be something more going on. Some people need the closeness and companionship of a spouse even though they themselves seem cold and distant. Or there may indeed be some control issues that need to be confronted. I do have to question why he chose to have a job that required so much time away from home despite being married with kids. Also you state that he's "going to be 60", which means that he chose early retirement. His life has undergone a radical transformation, especially if he's been spending his retirement the way you suggest, just sitting around the house and pouting. It sounds like your friend and her husband could benefit from couples counseling. If he won't go then she should go alone. You also might want to try and initiate some social activities with your friend that could include her husband as well. You say that he used to hang out with his brother a lot. Is his brother single? If so that you, your friend, her husband and his brother could go out as a foursome. If his brother isn't an option then is there a single man in your life that you keep company with? If so, he could always serve as the "fourth wheel." That way you can maintain your friendship with this woman without her husband feeling left out while still pursuing your own social interests.

Hi, JustMe,
Thank you for posting a question here, and Welcome to this site.
I am 64 yrs old, married 29 yrs to a wonderful woman. Yes, your friend's husband sounds like someone I wouldn't enjoy knowing.
Their marriage could be in trouble, maybe not. There really isn't much you can do. If your friend wants to see you, do things together, it's up to her.
She has to find a way to "live with" this retired husband. Whatever she decides, is her decision.
Meantime, I would look for other friends. Meet new people through volunteering, Church, or whatever you do. I do wish you the best, and remember, friends change through life; for whatever reasons.

Dear S Cianci
THank you for your post. I will try and clarify some of your questions/concerns. You said:
This man has always obviously been emotionally distant, being away from home 4 days a week during his working years and being distant as you describe towards his wife in retirement. That may just be his nature or there may be something more going on.
Yes, he has always been emotionally distant to her. She is his third wife, and the last one threw him out because of his physical abuse/adultery. So, this wife is 10 years younger than him and she is the outgoing one, he's never been. He's enjoyed the 4 days of freedom away from home, but when given the choice, he would complain about the two hour ride that he had to take to get to work. You said: Or there may indeed be some control issues that need to be confronted.
Yes, there are many control issues that have NOT been discussed. She is afraid to confront him because he gets angry. He is on TWO antidepressant meds and it seems that they have made him even MORE depressing than years before. They did once go to a marriage counselor, and the counselor told him that he was controlling and he said he couldn't see that, he later quit the counselor and that was the end of it. You said: Also you state that he's "going to be 60", which means that he chose early retirement
He retired after 27 years, if he had waited THREE more years he would have retired with FULL benefits, but instead he just quit because he "didn't want to work anymore". THey have suffered financially since then. His wife asked him to NOT retire and wait the last three years, but he said no. you said: You also might want to try and initiate some social activities with your friend that could include her husband as well. You say that he used to hang out with his brother a lot. Is his brother single? If so that you, your friend, her husband and his brother could go out as a foursome. If his brother isn't an option then is there a single man in your life that you keep company with? If so, he could always serve as the "fourth wheel." That way you can maintain your friendship with this woman without her husband feeling left out while still pursuing your own social interests.
We used to do a lot of things together, but I think because of his jealousy and anger and control, he stopped wanting to do things with us. I used to get along with him just fine, we had a lot of laughs and fun together (only because of me trying to be a friend to him), but once he retired, he turned "ugly", not only towards me, but towards his wife too. I do have other friends, she is not the only friend, but its still hard to see it all happen. I have encouraged her to seek counseling alone, and I pray that she does it. We all need it in our lives once in a while.
Thank you for your post,
God bless

Hi,
I would also encourage her to try getting her husband to go to counseling with her. It works best when two do it together.

Thank you FredG for your post,
I feel that their marriage has been in trouble since day one, long before I met them and I don't think that I had/have anything to do with it. Actually, when they were dating, (over 25 years ago), my friend left him because she didn't want to marry him. She moved far away, out of the state, but he came and found her and had her move back. Then he wanted to elope in vegas, so they got drunk and eloped. That's how they started, and that's how its been ever since. The only difference from then till now is they don't drink anymore. But I think he's nothing but a "dry drunk". He's miserable to hang around, very depressing, moody, you just don't know when he's going to "snap" at someone, and he has NO friends. He pretends in church that he just loves his wife to no end, because he doesn't want anyone to see the "real" him, but at home, he's distant and miserable and watches TV all day long. Unless its time to cut the grass! When they go on vacation, he just sits there, or just "goes through the motion" with her. It's a very sad situation and I can only pray to God that he helps my friend. I can only do that, its not my situation/problem but I do love her and I pray for her.
Thanks again for your post
Cheers

HI,
Prayer is the most powerful force in the World. You are a wonderful person to pray for her.
She will gain strength from it. If he has never attended any AA meetings, worked the 12 Steps of Recovery, he probably has never (as you said), had any attitude changes, required of Recovery. A "dry drunk" still has the bad attitudes, bad personality, only sober. He could still attend some meetings. Maybe his wife could talk him into going. I know she is miserable.
Has she thought about attending a meeting or two of Ala-Non? It might help her, listening to others with the same experiences.

Unfortunately, many retirees fail to make the adjustment from working people to having a lot of time on their hands. I have seen to many disrupt the household routine after essentially being absent for a lot of years. Usually the wife feels resentment and divorces the fool in less than a year. I retired after 30 years at a fairly young age (48) and found the adjustment while challenging a pleasant experience.Not only did I have a chance to get reconnected with my wife and family but was surprised at the fun she was having while I was at work. She hasn't stopped doing what she's doing and I think she's happy that I haven't tried to change what and how she does what she does. Your friends husband has issues that need to be addressed by them and I hope your friend can have the strength to talk to him and stay active in her own life.Personal counceling can help a lot and the support of a good friend. Hope this guy sees a doctor and gets the meds he needs(OR another job) and they can work this out.It is so sad that a man works hard for years and cannot enjoy his free time that he earned.:cool: :mad:

Given your response to my post I wonder if the premature retirement, the controlling abuse and everything else you've described are signs of worsening depression. Perhaps his medication needs to be adjusted and/or changed. Also some new treatment options may be called for. It sounds like a complete evaluation is in order, both physical and emotional, to see just what course of treatment is most appropriate. It sounds like he's been on an emotional roller-coaster for years struggling with emotional disorders. These are usually very treatable but must first be thoroughly evaluated. Also it can change and evolve in a given person over time so that initial treatments that were effective are no longer and need to be changed. Encourage your friend to encourage her husband to get the professional help he needs. That's ultimately what it'll take in order to save your friendship with these people.

S Cianci,
Hello and thanks for your input.
Yes, I do believe that his depression has worsened. I have mentioned this to my friend, but she honestly cannot do anything about it. She has tried to talk to him about it all, but he dismisses it. I can't help but wonder about his doctor, to the doctor, a pill will solve everything and her husband is proof of that. The two antidepressants he's one: one is for anti depression, the other is for a bad back, but its an anti depression pill. I wonder if maybe they are clashing, he's been on them both for years. If he went off them, he'd become very angry, even more than he is now, so my friend doesn't push the matter for a change for him because she's scared of what he might become. I even told her he sounds schitzophrenic (sp?), one minute he's up, then next down. Or possibly bi polar. Whatever it is, he needs a different doctor but he has gone to this one for over 20 years and he has no desire to change now. He takes meds for: high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, back pain, anti depression and a couple more but I forget what they are for. He's a disaster waiting to happen. He's unhealthy, overweight, eats terrible, and angry that he can't smoke or drink anymore. He's a mess. I do feel bad for him, his poor health problems aren't his desire or choice and you don't wish them on anyone, but he sure could curb them and feel better, but he won't. He's very rebellious. Two months ago, his doctor was concerned about his eating habits and his kidneys weren't looking that great, so he told him to start eating the right way, then on this guys way home, he got a fast food burger/fries/drink! He just doesn't care. He wants his wife to do everything, to fix everything and when she tries to help him, ex: tell him what he's eating is unhealthy or comment on the HUGE amounts of salt he puts on EVERYTHING, he gets mad at her and she backs off fast.
Anyway, thanks for your input, I feel better being able to just talk about it all to someone "out there".
Your very kind to take the time to share.
Again, thank you very much
Cheers

Welcome to the forum. Sorry that your initiation into it contains a subject as crucial as this one.

After reading all of the previous posts, IMO, it is not anything his wife is doing, it is his drug dependency and he really should go into a detoxification clinic to clean himself of the painkiller and antidepressant. He's been on them too long for them to have any significant effect they way they should, he's addicted to them and needs to be weened off.

If he's not willing to do this, his wife should talk to his doctor and ask what's in store for her. At any rate, she needs to tell someone about it just in case he 'flips' and does her more damage than what has already been done. Once she's armed herself with information, I would advise her to set an ultimatum to him to seek help, if he does not realize what is happening to their relationship due to his addiction.

This situation can be found in many households throughout the world, and in our clinic here in Germany, I work with a lot of such cases. It's hard to admit when there is a problem, especially when all else was fine all along until this 'forced retirement' or involuntary drastic change in lifestyle occurs.

At any rate, it's unfortunate that neither you nor his wife can do this on your own, professional assistance is needed.

If you can call up the medications on the internet, in a PDR (Physician's Desk Reference) and find the different side-effects for these drugs, print them out and show them to his wife and/or doctor to strengthen your concerns, you might have a leverage to state your concern and also be able to convince him that he should at least look into the mood-changes due to drugs that he's subjecting his family to.

Good luck, and please keep us posted.
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Thanks Chery,
I will share your info to my friend, hopefully she will be able to help her husband. Ultimately, he needs to want it first, she can't make him do anything. I just don't think he really wants it, but still, I will try to help her by sharing what you said. I do agree, his med's are useless in some ways and he needs to be weaned off them. I just can't see him doing it. If she can get a list of the meds he's on, then maybe she can look them up like you shared and take it all a step further. I'll let you know.
Thanks for your input.
Cheers

Here is an update on my friend and her husband.
He decided, well, his doctors advised him to go off one of the antidepressant medicines. It's the one he actually took for depression several years ago. The other anti depression medication he says they put him on it to help his lower back problems, but its an actual depression med. I don't know, its all "greek to me". Anyway, I hope it makes him feel better and no so miserable and moody, but I am concerned that he might start to snap at his wife more than the "usual". I hope she is ready for it all. I think the medicine just covers or numbs the problems, it doesn't teach a person to deal with it, and he is going cold turkey, so I am a bit concerned for her and their daughter. She and I have decided its best to NOT talk about him because I only get upset with her stupid list of excuses of what kind of a guy she see's in him and what kind of a guy I see in him, and she gets upset because I don't "see" him like she does. I see things as they are, not what I wish them to be. She and I are different in that area. Anyway, that's the newest. I did mention to her that he might need a clinic to help him wean off the medication, but she said he is just going "cold turkey". I'm not sure what that might do to him, any ideas or suggestions from anyone? Thanks again for your listening ears and willing mouths.
Cheers
Sue