Entire story merged

Hey, guys. This is my friend post here, but I have been reading topics and help for over two weeks. I guess I'm just looking for support, and all of you seem very helpful and supportive. Here is my short story:

Dated a girl for 7 years, lived together for the last 3. We started dating when she was 19, and I was 21. On August 4th (two weeks ago), she decided she needed her independence. She also couldn't take that I'm not as social as she is. She goes out drinking with friends just about every Fri/Sat. night. This didn't bother me at all because she is who she is. This did bother her, however, since it was not the "norm" to not go out with your g/f all the time.

Anyway, I did the whole begging and pleading thing for almost 2 weeks straight. Trying to do anything and everything to get her back. I was/am obsessive. Checking my phone every 3 minutes, refreshing my email every 5. We still talked BS, and a little about our relationship via AIM until yesterday.

Today, I came across a lot of topics on here about the No Contact Rule. I've decided to go through with it. In the back of my mind, I'm hoping it will make her realize what she is missing, because I did treat her like a princess. But, I know in my rational side, I need to do that for my own peace of mind.

I emailed her and told her not to contact me, and yada yada. It was probably the single, hardest thing I have ever had to do in life. How do you say goodbye to someone, possibly forever, that you love? How you'll never see, talk, hold them ever again. It's rough.

Sorry for the long rant, but I'm just looking for some advice, from perhaps some other NC survivors, and how they got through what is sure to be the hardest days of my life, upcoming. Thanks!

Please read my survial (and perhaps mate guide) below and then we can talk.

Hang in there!!

Please read my survial (and perhaps mate guide) below and then we can talk.

hang in there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I liked the evaluate one, that opened my eyes a little. However, the first one just seems of ways to scheme to get back your ex. That didn't seem productive. But, that's just my opinion.

Hey there BrewCrew!
It's going to be tough, but I am now a true believer that this is necessary for a quick recovery. I am currently at 1 week of NC. Here is my story so you can see where I am coming from:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/unexpectedly-dumped-248629.html

At first, I thought I wouldn't be able to last a day without contacting her, but then I started to get as much advice on here as possible, and these wonderful people have been helping me along with the process.
I actually deleted her entirely out of my phone, so I don't even know her # if I wanted to contact her. This helped me a lot, because even if I get the urge to contact her, I can't.
She is still my friend on the Facebook and myspace, but I'm not going to remove her, just because that seems extremely childish. Ever since I've stopped talking to her, I see just on the homepage of Facebook that she is trying to make me jealous with pics and status updates. Obviously, I'm still on the back of her mind, while she is gradually working her way out of my mind. It's a great tactic to use, because it helps you move on, and it also shows your ex that you didn't NEED them, instead that you just WANTED them. I encourage you to try deleting her #. If she tries contacting you, don't be so eager to respond. If she doesn't contact you, then obviously it wasn't meant to be, and you will already be moving on with your life. Pick up a new hobby to distract you from wondering if and when she will talk to you next.

Stay strong BrewCrew! Hopefully you aren't a Milwaukee Brewers fan :) Pittsburgh Pirates! All the way!

Hey there BrewCrew!
It's going to be tough, but I am now a true believer that this is necessary for a quick recovery. I am currently at 1 week of NC. Here is my story so you can see where I am coming from:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/unexpectedly-dumped-248629.html

At first, I thought I wouldn't be able to last a day without contacting her, but then I started to get as much advice on here as possible, and these wonderful people have been helping me along with the process.
I actually deleted her entirely out of my phone, so I don't even know her # if I wanted to contact her. This helped me a lot, because even if I get the urge to contact her, I can't.
She is still my friend on the facebook and myspace, but I'm not going to remove her, just because that seems extremely childish. Ever since I've stopped talking to her, I see just on the homepage of facebook that she is trying to make me jealous with pics and status updates. Obviously, I'm still on the back of her mind, while she is gradually working her way out of my mind. It's a great tactic to use, because it helps you move on, and it also shows your ex that you didn't NEED them, instead that you just WANTED them. I encourage you to try deleting her #. If she tries contacting you, don't be so eager to respond. If she doesn't contact you, then obviously it wasn't meant to be, and you will already be moving on with your life. Pick up a new hobby to distract you from wondering if and when she will talk to you next.

Stay strong BrewCrew! Hopefully you aren't a Milwaukee Brewers fan :) Pittsburgh Pirates! all the way!

I am a Brewers fan, and I'll see you at Miller Park on Friday! :) I had already deleted her off my phone, but thanks for the advice. It's still tough though because I know all her numbers by heart, since it's been 7 years. : /

I actually did delete her off FaceBook (I don't have myspace). I disagree with the childish part. It's what I felt was necessary to help get over her. I didn't think it was any good to see how great her life was, or god forbid she enters into a new relationship soon. That would just bring me crashing down all together. I knew if I didn't delete her off FB and AIM, I would be obsessing, constantly. But that's just me. I hope everything works out for you bro, as we both know it's tough.

That is rough knowing her number, but if you find yourself reaching for that phone, call one of your friends instead, or a relative. I started calling friends that I lost touch with and catching up with them. This has helped, because it is also helping me discover the person I use to be, before she entered into my life and things started to change.
The Facebook deletion is a good idea, but I don't want to be the one to do it, because I am actually going to have to see her in a week because of going to a small college and having the same class as her. I want her to see that I am happily moving on. I also don't want to fight with her, because I am trying this new approach of kill them with kindness.

Feel free to message me whenever.

It takes time, keeping busy and perseverance!

The facebook deletion is a good idea, but i don't want to be the one to do it, because I am actually going to have to see her in a week because of going to a small college and having the same class as her. I want her to see that I am happily moving on. I also don't want to fight with her, because I am trying this new approach of kill them with kindness.


I too didn't want to delete the ex from my Facebook but I did find some sweet ways to get on with life without logging on to find out things about the ex I didn't want to know.

I found with my previous girlfriend I was putting things on Facebook and myspace to make my life look much better than it actual was, I was being a fake. So this time, I figure out a way in Facebook to still be friends with the person, but to limit what they can see of your profile. In the privacy settings you can exclude certain people from seeing different parts of the profile. So I blocked her from seeing everything EXCEPT the pictures of me with a famous tv/music/movie star - so if she checks out my page, that's all she's going to see - a high flyer with a promising future, leaving her behind in her boring life :)

There is also a section where you can put their name in and you will see LESS posts about them on the first page when you log on. That way, you won't see anything about her if you don't look directly at her page. Then it just takes will power not to look, and the decision is back in your hands!!

I too didnt want to delete the ex from my facebook but i did find some sweet ways to get on with life without logging on to find out things about the ex i didnt want to know.

I found with my previous gf i was putting things on facebook and myspace to make my life look much better than it actual was, i was being a fake. So this time, i figure out a way in facebook to still be friends with the person, but to limit what they can see of your profile. In the privacy settings you can exclude certain people from seeing different parts of the profile. So i blocked her from seeing everything EXCEPT the pictures of me with a famous tv/music/movie star - so if she checks out my page, thats all she's going to see - a high flyer with a promising future, leaving her behind in her boring life :)

There is also a section where you can put their name in and you will see LESS posts about them on the first page when you log on. That way, you wont see anything about her if you dont look directly at her page. Then it just takes will power not to look, and the decision is back in your hands!!!

While I'm glad if this has worked for you, I have decided this is only hurtful to ones self. We shouldn't care what our former significant other thinks. Like you stated, you WANT her to see how awesome you are doing. Which, is some form of ulterior motive. Whether you want to make her jealous, idolize you to want you back, what have you. That's not really what NC is all about, in my opinion.

No you missed it - I said I was doing that with my PREVIOUS ex girlfriend... my ex ex girlfriend. I realised that I was being a fake and it wasn't helping, so with my latest ex, I decided I wouldn't do that.

So this time, to make sure I don't do that, I've blocked my ex from being able to see anything new on my profile - she can still see the picture of me and the movie star which she'd already seen when we were together - but she can't see anything else at all - no events I plan to attend, no pictures of me that have been tagged, no wall, nothing.

I emailed her and told her not to contact me, and yada yada. It was probably the single, hardest thing I have ever had to do in life. How do you say goodbye to someone, possibly forever, that you love? How you'll never see, talk, hold them ever again. It's rough.

I agree that it is definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life as well. But at least you are starting to accept it and are not still living in denial. You have definitely started moving in the right direction.

I broke up with my girlfirend of 3yrs almost 2 months ago and for me this is the 5th week of NC and I am not going to lie this has been the hardest time I have gone through my life so far but it is getting better. I still have my ups and downs and I have feeling that this will go on for a while. It is something you have to accept and take it one day at a time.

You can read my post here:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/being-cheated-left-someone-else-after-3-years-243232.html

My case is slightly different in the sense that she is already going out with another guy (in fact this was going on before I asked her to break up) and after seeing some pictures on Facebook (she hadn't posted them but a friend of hers did) of her and her new boyfriend that gave me sleepless nights for a week I decided to not check Facebook again. So if you can't resist the urge of checking up on her profile then you did good to remove her. I found out that it can be very empowering resisting the urge to check up so I haven't removed her.

You have done really well telling her you want no contact although at some point, I don't know how soon that will be she will try to contact you. Im not saying she will definitely have regretted and want to get back with you, Im just saying that she will want to confirm that she is still wanted. Don't fall for that because that is when you will be the most vulnerable. If she really wants to be back with you then she will really have to prove it with actions and not just words. In my case she is still trying to contact me even after 2 months but I leave her calls and messages unanswered. And this because I learnt from my mistake of answering her calls for 2 weeks after we broke up and helping her out with some trouble she was having. That really set me back though and realised that she was using certain circumstances as an excuse to come back and make sure I would still do anything for her so I decided to start caring more about myself.

So this is going to be a rough time for you but you will make it. Just try and accept that you will get your ups and downs but don't analyse that too much and don't beat yoursefl down because of that. The best way is to stay busy with friends, job, hobby or whatever takes your mind off it.

Sorry for your loss, but I am glad to hear you are going to pursue the NC path. I did it when my ex broke up with me(check out my original posts) and it gave my mind incredible stability as I wasn't ripping my hair out trying to over analyze her every word she said to me. Stay Strong!

Day one just about complete. I actually feel all right, surprisingly. I feel unusually, empowered. I keep telling myself over and over and over, "No one can hurt me right now, but me." So, there is no reason to obsess or stalk, or any of that nonsense, and just enjoy myself.

Great attitude, keep at it and remember that you are not the only one that went through this or is going through this. It helps when you realize that people have been there and are now far better of. I know it helped me and every now a then if you have that feeling I would suggest coming up here and just letting it out, that really helps.

Your emotions will change from day to day... but just stay focused and on the right track as things ebb and flow.

Your emotions will change from day to day ....but just stay focused and on the right track as things ebb and flow.

You can say that again, Ash. It's now day two, and I feel back at square one, three weeks ago (she cut it off on the 4th, I moved out on the 13th, and we stopped talking starting the 20th). Emotional at the drop of a hat. I feel lonely, desperation, and it takes everything I have not to email, call, text, spy on her Facebook, etc. And yesterday, I actually felt semi-okay!

Yep. When I saw your post I wanted to warn you to be ready. The emotional detox takes months - not hours.

Until you've gone at least 90 days it'll be up and down. The trick is to not cheat. That way 90=90. Then, you can decide what you feel about all this then.

In the meantime, there's this board to go to when you feel lost.

Honestly, 7 years will likely take more than 90 days, but it will let you clear your head and that is vital.

Yep. When I saw your post I wanted to warn you to be ready. The emotional detox takes months - not hours.

Until you've gone at least 90 days it'll be up and down. The trick is to not cheat. That way 90=90. Then, you can decide what you feel about all this then.

In the meantime, there's this board to go to when you feel lost.

Honestly, 7 years will likely take more than 90 days, but it will let you clear your head and that is vital.

I hear you, Ash. 90 days seems like forever and a day away. 6 months and a year seems like a lifetime away. No one on here said it was going to be easy. But, it does make me feel better getting advice here, and hearing others are going through the same bs I am going through.

This is only day two so it is perfectly normal to be feeling like this. This will only get better for sure. I am on the 5th week of NC and I promise that it is nothing like those first days. I still have my ups and downs but overall it feels much better than those rollercoaster feelings of the first days. So stick with NC and try and keep yourself busy with other things and keep the positive thinking going on because you are definitely right that no one can hurt you know but yourself.

Thanks for the advice. How hard was it for the first 5 weeks? I know it'll be tough, but I'm just curious what I'm in for.

I would say the hardest part was when we first broke up which was almost 2 months ago. And that is because she kept on contacting me and passing all her emotional instabilities to me for about 2-3 weeks. See there was another guy in the picture but she wasn't sure whether she wanted to be with him or me and also because she was refusing to talk to any of her friends she used me as a friend and was telling me everything that was going through her mind. She really took me through hell and I remember that I hadn't slept for more than 2-3 hours every night for those weeks and I could not eat.

Then I decided to break any contact with her because I would not have been able to go through that for much longer. The first couple of weeks I was still in a state of shock and it was as if my brain was operating in safe mode. I felt bruised and battered but had kind of pulled in a safe spot and kept telling myself that it will be fine and whenever I though of her which was all the time I would try and block my mind from starting to analyse things. I kept myself busy and was constantly around people and even when no one was around I would grab my camera and go for very long walks around the city, basically anything to keep me distracted. I would definitely avoid drinking too much alcohol because it only makes things worse. Basically the worst part was the really vivid dreams I had at night with really bad images better left unimagined (but then again my circumstances were different). The feelings are similar to the motion of a pendulum. As time passes by the path followed from one end to the other becomes smaller and as long as you don't push it again it will eventually come to a stand still. The ups and downs are still there but to a much smaller extent and it is up to you how much importance you will place on them and how much you will let them drag you down.
There are certain questions that I still think of but whenever I get these I immediately have answers for them. For example:
Q: will she ever come back?
A: NO! But then again I wouldn't want to go through this again so its fine!

Q: Did she really mean all the things she said in the past?
A: Yes but things have changed. I mean there are certain things I used to enjoy but now I don't anymore.

And as your mind clears up and you start analysing things in a rational way and finding out things about yourself things will come into perspective.

The main thing is don't be too harsh on yourself. When you feel really down just don't make too much of it just let it pass. Possibly write on this site or read past advice to feel better. Stay focused but take it one day at a time. I mean 7 years is a long time.
I can say that now after 5 weeks I still think of things but not all the time mostly when I come across something that will remind her and the feeling I get when I think of things is nowhere near as intense. The hardest for me has been the fact that we grew up in the same area and went to the same school together although we both live abroad and we have a lot of common friends so it is and will be almost impossible to totally forget about her. At some point I will definitely have to face her and I just hope that by then I will have made a full recovery. I know this has been long but hope it helps you.



My topic is here if you want to know the background https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/being-cheated-left-someone-else-after-3-years-243232.html

First 5 weeks... stunk. However, I stayed pretty busy working and hitting the gym constantly. Keep your head up

Ack. I broke down and listened to one of her friends talk (who just happens to live 2 doors down the hall form me). How I got to hear how awesome her life is, and how much she is "living it up." How she can do "what she wants, when she wants, and loves it!" Ugh, what a knock down.

But... check this out.

You can do what you want, when you want, how you want...

Uh huh.

If I spoke to my ex again I would quite happily say 'I am so glad we broke up.' This is what NC did for me. In fact I am at the stage now where I would be happy to talk to her again. NC really does let you heal but it takes time and for me I had to go travelling and do a hell of a lot, even met another girl before I could finally say, I am happy for the memories but in all honesty It wasn't even that great!

End of the day stop bigging it all up, it isn't a fantasy, its reality and its not warm and cozy, it's the same as every day.

Don't pay attention to any of that BS. I can't believe that she is over it so fast after 7 years, she is definitely confused herself but not showing it but then again this should have nothing to do with you, just let it pass you by. So even if she is happy would you prefer if her life was miserable? Would it make your life any better right now? You should only focus on bringing your own life back on track and should not let anything else drag you down. Sorry if I'm being harsh but we have all had to go through this and are still going through it. Its things you will realise yourself but which helps hearing from others that have been through similar situations.

I can completely agree with Jiser, I told my ex that breaking up was the best thing to ever happen to us. Of course this was when she was telling a lot of people that she was thinking about giving me another chance. She asked me why I thought that and I told her "because I met a terrific girl who brings out the best in me and makes me strive to do better in everything I do." Which is true, I couldn't be happier with my situation as we are looking at apartments to rent in late October early November and then I am going with her and the little girls to California to meet her side of the family. They are all excited to meet me which I am too, but also a little nervous and worried about it.

Point being, NC will aid you like nothing else will. You will one day wake up and think why did I spend so much time on someone who doesn't deserve it

... way to go Romey.

Let's see... since my ex and I have broken up... um... 8 months ago? I... lost about 30 lbs, packed on a bit of muscle, bought a restaurant, and... yeah, life's going swimmingly. :)

Exactly Sneezy... It's also been 8 months for me and since the break up my arms grew 4 1/2 inches, chest grew 7 inches... I finally was able to break the 160 barrier in my weight(skinny crap) and now am at a solid 180 and climbing. When me and my ex would go to the gym, I would struggle to put up 50lb dumbbells on dumbbell press, now I'm repping 85's.. Just all around good things happening.

Best of all, my ex is the one jealous now constantly asking a mutual friend "are they ever going to break up?" "Do you think he would give me another chance" "would he want to hang out and talk about things"

I sure am glad I ran into this website. I was feeling completely down in the dumps, and you guys helped my out by pulling me back into reality, and made me feel all right about myself again.

The part that makes me shack my head is that this is her "Doing what I want" schedule:

Mon-Fri - Work
Fri Night - Get drunk
Sat - Get drunk
Sun - Recoup

Rinse and repeat. Funny thing about that is, that's exactly what she did when we were together. I let her do what she want, she is who she is. Her problem was I dislike getting drunk every weekend. So, she left apparently. Granted, I've been dealing with social anxiety since I was 4, but still.

You guys made me realize, why should I subject myself to a relationship, where I would either have to do something I really disliked doing, or just "put up" with it? Both are lame.

Yep, you know you are better off.

Some days you will doubt it though.

But in time, you will laugh at how close you came to a bad decision by hanging in there.

And the less you cheat (allow any part of her life to overlap yours) the faster you will get there...

So, a few of you might have read my story about how my girlfriend of 7 years left me 3 weeks ago. My problem has been lately, while I have no "actual" contact for 5 days now, I'm still obsessive and stalker-ish.

I know all the passwords to her email, Facebook, phone bill, etc. I can see who she talks to and for how long, and when, etcetcetc. I try my damned hardest to stop this but it feels like I have OCD about it now and just can't pull my fingers off the keyboard. What can I do to stop this, short of smashing my PC into a million pieces?

Turn your PC off for a month or so until you get over your obsession.
Have somebody like your mom hold onto it for you in the meantime if you have to.

OR maybe try just mentioning to her something like ''You know I know your passwords. It is always a good idea to be changing them whenever you break up with a guy."

Are you seeking answers that went ignored during the breakup? Because what you are doing is trying to piece together what really happened in her eyes. Asking yourself is there somebody else? Etc, etc.

I suggest you stop before you see some activety she is doing that will make you hurt even more.

There are ways you can delete saved Passwords on the PC. Unless you know them by heart, then you should break NC for 20 seconds and send her a text telling her to change all her UN's/PW's.

Some things are better off unsaid and unheard, don't torture yourself any further. I hope this helps.

Yep WhatN3XT is right! HOW are you going to handle it if you run across a message about some intimate details with some guy? Really not a good position to put yourself in! You definitely would not be able to confront her about it. You WILL feel weird and act awkward when you happen to see her and she WILL know something is up.

Stop reading them. Nothing you find will be of any use to you- and as others stated it will only make you crazier. Trust me... I went through the Same thing a few weeks ago.

The less you have to paint the picture in your head... the better. Ignorance is bliss!

Call them and remind them you have all of these passwords, and ask them to change them.

You know... she can sue you for that!!

If it does seem lke an ocd you could try seeing a therapist/ counsellor. It will help with how you feel about the break up plus they can help you to control it. I am seeing one for a cleaning and methodical ocd that I have and it does help. It will take time but as long as you are willing to change you can do it, for now I agree with the others that you should mention it to her ( maybe in a joking tone) and then she can make it harder for you to do it
Good luck

I was obsessive with one of my ex's and also had his passwords, etc. It was hard to stop obsessing because I felt like I didn't have the answers as to why the relationship really ended. Honestly, I wish I could go back in time and take back all the hours wasted trying to figure something out. Obviously it wasn't meant to be, and I'm sure he wasn't wasting that time figuring out what I was doing. Try to stop yourself when you feel tempted. Take up a new hobby. If you can't stop by yourself, talk to a therapist.

I know what you mean man! I have started the NoForM (No Facebook of Myspace) rule for myself! Whenever I feel like I am about to check one of those mediums, I quickly collect my thoughts and either call a friend, or go to a website that I know will entertain me for a while. Also, you can always come here and vent! This has become a great escape for me personally!

You have to find a way to stop. It only prolongs your hurt.

Can you have those sites in particular blocked or something?

Either get some help for your problem, or find better things to do with your time.

I've never been in a 7 year relationship so I can't pretend to know what that kind of loss is like, as I've only gone 3 years for my record. So first of all, kudos to you for putting up with her for 4 more years then I could. A little joke and also a positive way to view your current situation.

I agree with others who say that professional help might be what you want at this time. A therapist might provide you with some deep insight into your condition and offer you techniques to overcome it.

I think this behavior is derived from the pain of the break up (duh) so when this starts to happen I might suggest that you openly talk to yourself and ask how this pain and this situation can help you develop into a better individual. If you give pain meaning, it doesn't control you, you control it. Furthermore, you make it understandable in a logical way and it's easier to get over it.

My last suggestion is one that can strengthen you and help others at the same time. Come to this site and offer you insight to those in need of help, as you offer help to others it strengthens your core, and guides your own thoughts to emotional success.

I guess I exaggerated when I said I have OCD. I don't really have OCD. While it wasn't meant as a joke, since OCD isn't funny at all, I was trying to describe what it feels like.

I can't tell her to change her passwords. Then she'll know I have been siging on and know I've been acting like a freakish stalker (which may be true).

I am really looking for advice on how I can control my urge to check up on her 5 times a day.

You will have to control yourself. Well, at least you are not going over to her house at night and peering into the windows at her while she is with someone. You have to get interested in something else. It is hard when someone leaves you versus you leave them. You'll just have to live your life 5 minutes at a time. This seems to be worse than trying to stop smoking. Just remember, you are hurt right now and have to get over your own hurt so that you can go on with your life. There is no magic wand I can wave over you to make you stop looking at her messages. You have to be adult enough to realize that she chose to live her life without you. And for you to accept this decision on her part.

You can look for an easy way out all you want to. Unless your willing to do the work it takes, by being honest for one, all the suggestions in the world won't stop you. No shame in getting help, as your actions are obsessive, and may be illegal. Your options,
1- tell her to change her passwords, and suffer the consequenses.
2- get some help before it gets worse.
3- get busy doing something else, and putting her out of your life.
4- A combination of all three.

You need to change your behavior, or you can never move on with your life.
Most pastors, have counseling skills and that is a good option. The counsel of an older adult trusted is an option. Whatever you choose its in your own interest to do something to solve your problem.

Another thing to consider. What if she knows you're a snoop, and is intentionally feeding you what she wants you to know??

ou have to be adult enough to realize that she chose to live her life without you. And for you to accept this decision on her part.

This line actually made me open my eyes and think, even if it was just a little. Thanks, Twinkie.

You'll find that whenever you find out some information you don't like it hurts , so how long are you willing to put your hands on the HOT STOVE before you realise it isn't doing you no good?

Stop signing on plain and simple! It's only hurting you.

If you're unable to , have e-mails sent through those sites to her requesting a password change.

Another thing to consider. What if she knows your a snoop, and is intentionally feeding you what she wants you to know?????

This is worth a second read. It's been my understanding that sometimes women are quite cruel and would actually do something like this just to stick it to a guy. If she knows you well enough, and suspects you'd do what your doing, she might also play your emotions.

This has become like an addiction to you. Whenever you get the urge to check up on her then try and convince yourself out of it. It is going to be very hard but at the same time it can feel really empowering knowing that you have the power to resist the temptation. I never checked her emails although I new all her passwords and usernames but I did check up on her on Facebook profile. That was destroying me. I would read her posts and messages of people on her wall and would try to connect and create a story. It gave me nightmares for days. Finally I came across some pictures of her with the other guy, that someone else had tagged her in. For about a week I could not sleep, eat or take my mind of those images. It was hell. So that was the last time I checked her Facebook. Its been 5 weeks and I am feeling much better. Sometimes its best if you don't know everything. Some things are better if they are left uncovered trust me.

Good call, busterite. I had a feeling that is what it was going to take to make me stop. But, instead I told my friend tell her to change her PW's. So, no more of that. Still tough!

It s funny how a lot of people in relationship acquire or through trust reveal their private passwords to their "other half". The key for you is to understand that it was a sign of closeness ans trust at that particular time and you need to be the better person and cherish it and most important control it now. I honeslty hope that you did get this info in another way or that would be a different story. I undersand the temptations as I know I have had them but now you need to control them. There is nothing to gain from this but pain, you want to get some information to try and confort yourself by doing this you think it will make you feel better but it doesn't, so why do it?

Be strong friend

So, I came to find out my ex of 7 years (we broke up 1 month ago) has already had drunk sex with another guy. I chalk it up to "because I can." My heart just tore in two, fell into my stomach, and I feel like vomiting. Should I confront her about it? Should I just say F off? A HUGE part of me wants to tell her, just so she knows I know.

Oh yeah, recently she just wants to "hang out." I broke down and did once for an hour (pathetic I am, I know) and we flirted and stuff. This was a week after she had her sex escapade.

I'm so lost in emotion right now I don't know what to do.

You "DUMP" her! Completely NO friends thing, NO contact, NO anything!
Whether you tell her or not is your option. But sounds like she has already 'dumped' you as boyfriend material and just wants to use you occasionally to avoid the hurt of an official break up.

As long as you settle for the 'hang out' flirty stuff you are going to have the temptation of falling into being the boyfriend role when she wants. She will call the shots and she will have you where she wants you. Then when she is totally ready to call it quits then you are left behind to deal with the hurt on your own.
Don't give her the satisfaction of weaning off you until she finds what she does want.

You don't give dignty to her in even cursing her out, you move on, you stop talking with her, stop flirting with her and move on.

She is already a EX. so she is free to sleep around if that is what she wants to do, there is not even a reason she can't

So move on,

You "DUMP" her! Completely NO friends thing, NO contact, NO anything!
Whether you tell her or not is your option. But sounds like she has already 'dumped' you as bf material and just wants to use you occasionally to avoid the hurt of an official break up.

As long as you settle for the 'hang out' flirty stuff you are going to have the temptation of falling into being the bf role when she wants. She will call the shots and she will have you where she wants you. Then when she is totally ready to call it quits then you are left behind to deal with the hurt on your own.
Don't give her the satisfaction of weaning off of you until she finds what she does want.

I know this is completely true, N0. My rational side knows I will NEVER look at her the same, never have any trust for her again, etc. But my heart keep trying to grapple on to ANY thread of hope that gets dangled in front of me. For instance, the reason I hung out is because I talked myself into thinking that if I hang out for awhile, we might begin dating somewhere down the road.

You write a list of things you liked so much about her and then you go and find somebody that fits the bill better than she could. Otherwise you are only setting yourself up for hurt upon hurt with her. She evidently sees you as just another guy to conquer and move on.
So don't go there with her in any way--NO Contact she doesn't deserve you --find somebody that does!

You write a list of things you liked so much about her and then you go and find somebody that fits the bill better than she could. Otherwise you are only setting yourself up for hurt upon hurt with her. She evidently sees you as just another guy to conquer and move on.
So don't go there with her in any way--NO Contact she doesn't deserve you --find somebody that does!

Like I said, I agree completely with what you are saying. But with my social anxiety combined with my strong emotions for her, it's just really hard.

But my heart keep trying to grapple on to ANY thread of hope that gets dangled in front of me.
That's why the heart has to be controlled by the brain, to keep you from making a fool of yourself.

I know it is hard but you got to move on or be played a fool.
I know it is hard. Even girls who are beaten and verbally abused by their bf's day in and day out have knots in their stomach that they ended up broke up. They even still have a deep love for the abuser but they come to realize the abuse outweighs the hurt from them no longer being in their life.

So you have to cut your loses now and move on no matter how much the hurt or stick it out with her calling the shots and have deeper cutting pain later.

Hey there BrewCrew!

It's going to be tough, bud. Finding out news like that really does throw you for a mental loop. Just the thought of the person you love with somebody else is probably the most upsetting thing anybody can imagine when it comes to a breakup. I'm going through the same thing right now, knowing that my ex is under every guy that she can find, and it is nauseating!

What you have to ask yourself though is if you want someone back that is doing this stuff? You sound like a caring guy, and that is why it is so tough for you. When I know that my ex is sleeping around with other guys, I almost feel like I didn't do enough to change her, but what I realize is that you can't change people. This is who she is, and there isn't anything anybody can do to change that. If that is the kind of person that she wants to be, then let her. Find somebody better! And, I know, you are probably thinking, "But she was everything that I want." Try to imagine yourself before she came into your life. Who was your crush or girlfriend before that? What did you think when you couldn't be with her? Probably the same thing. I know this will be tougher because it was such a serious relationship, and it truly does suck! There are no answers as to why she is doing this. It's just her nature, and sadly that is something that you will have to cope with.

TIME and SPACE are the only known prescriptions to dealing with something like this. Also, get out there and do things that make you happy. Surround yourself with things that you enjoy. Go workout. Go get some new clothes. Become the person that others will be proud of, and leave your ex to her promiscuous ways.

Take care. And I hope everything will turn around for you soon!

I don't think nor believe you full accept that this relationship is over otherwise you would not be hanging on to false hope. She is no longer committed to you, therefore, she can sleep with whoever she wish, drunk or sober. It's her life and you need to live yours. Maybe being friends wasn't a good thing because you can't handle it. You broke up with her for a reason(s), let's leave it that way and don't look back.

If you give in and even just hang out with her it gives her permission to use you and your feelings in the future. Let me tell you something that you need to make your reality right now. YOU are better then her or her situation and you need to start living to that. When it get's difficult and you want to cave tell yourself in a strong forceful manner, "I will not let her have the pleasure of talking to me!" and then be proud that you don't. You are depressed but those feelings will change, she is guilty and trying to make herself feel better by being your "friend." Do not give her the satisfaction.

I hear all you guys are saying, and I knew it would be a likely answers from everyone. Thanks for all your answers guys. While I still feel hopeless and weak (I know I'll cave in), I'm glad you guys are here to attempt make me a stronger person.

I hear all you guys are saying, and I knew it would be a likely answers from everyone. Thanks for all your answers guys. While I still feel hopeless and weak (I know I'll cave in), I'm glad you guys are here to attempt make me a stronger person.

First let me tell you that if you lead with this idea of "I know I'll cave in" your going to. Lead with the idea that your stronger and deserve better. If you do cave it's not the biggest deal in the world but get right back up and make it your goal to go longer.

I'm work with my ex and she was doing the same nonsense yours is doing and I was going along with it and talking to her in short conversations. But at some point I realized she'd moved on and I was stuck in neutral and that's where you'll get stuck if you can't decide to move forward without her.

Finally it got the point where I was only saying hello with a huge smile back to the ex and only if she talked first. As far as was concerned if you can do wrong by me then I don't waste my time with you. You have the luxury of NOT working with her, you can break free this very moment. My ex actually asked me if everything was all right a few weeks ago and when I asked her why she would ask me that she said, "some people said you haven't been as talkitive as you have been in the past." I asked who that was and she had no answer. What she really wanted was me to talk to her to give her the permission that treating me second rate is acceptable. Now I'll grant you I'm further along but at this point what do I have to lose, I've already lost her and I don't care about making her feel comfortable around me, she gave up that privilege. So did your ex. She had something good and SHE blew it so let her reap the decision and give yourself the satisfaction of knowing you are stronger then she gave you credit for. You may have lost the battle but you can win the fight, because if you can be strong and get away from her she's not going to know what to do, she's dependent on you and using you as a crutch. Be strong for yourself and take the crutch away and let her fall.

Cave-In in which way?

All I can say now is, allow these answers to process in you mind, but allow your heart to make the decision. You write your own story. I hope whatever you choose, that it will be the outcome that you deserve! Only you know what will be right for you!

Yes you have to do whatever it takes to mentally be strong!
Avoid talking with her no matter how friendly she comes off.
Visualize a girl worthy of you, visualize a pile of garbage when you think of her or run into her.
Find something to distract away from her, even if it is something as simple as coming here to vent.
Do whatever it takes to move on.

I was stuck in neutral and that's where you'll get stuck if you can't decide to move forward without her.

I hear you completely on that one. I talked myself into seeing her last week when she wanted to because I figured I can talk to her and hang out. If she comes back, awesome. If she moves on, I'll just let her go then and deal with it then. I still don't know what to choose. NC out of the gate, or just let the cards fall and what happens happens.

You are setting yourself up to be played the fool and hurting even more if you go along with seeing her to see where the cards fall.

You are setting your self up to be played the fool and hurting even more if you go along with seeing her to see where the cards fall.

I know that's true. But a huge part of me thinks it's worth it. Besides, I don't think I can hurt worse then I already am right now.

I know that's true. But a huge part of me thinks it's worth it. Besides, I don't think I can hurt worse then I already am right now.

You are wrong. Getting dumped is one thing but then letting her play you afterwards sucks worse then you can imagine and I'll tell you why. Because now your wasting your emotions and time on someone who has nothing to lose and safeguard if she does. If you stick around your depression will eventually turn into anger and then you'll be faced with the fact that some of that anger has to be self directed because you allowed it to happen.

When my latest ex broke up with me I was doing what you were doing... being available even if it was only at work, talking to her, and trying to be my funny self since that is what she was attracted to, to begin with. While all this was happening I was really giving her permission to play my feelings. It took me finally manning up and saying that my depression and the person I made my ex out to be in my head (i.e. not the person she was by her current behavior) was not good enough for me. If someone thinks so little of me that they can disrespect me time and again then I don't want that person around. That how I CHOOSE to be treated and that is where you have to man up yourself. She can be a disrepectful loser but that is her reality not yours. Let her define a loser's life, you define a winners.

Once I quit talking to my ex she actually had the nerve to ask me if I was okay after a couple months. I said I was and she asked why I wasn't talking to her? This is how they think, they think they can use you and then when you dare ignore them they try and turn it around on you. I can see that now, because my head's clear. Several months ago, not so clear. I'm telling you believe the clear heads on this board and if you can't believe that your strong enough know that there are other people who believe that you are strong enough to go into no contact and stay that way.

I'm telling you this as a friend and even though we've never met I promise you that I and everyone posting here have your best intentions in mind which is more then I can say for someone who spent 7 years with you. Think about that reality.

I'm telling you this as a friend and even though we've never met I promise you that I and everyone posting here have your best intentions in mind which is more then I can say for someone who spent 7 years with you. Think about that reality.

I hear you, Chuff. And thanks, I really do appreciate it. How long did you hold on to her and try to "win her back" so to speak? How long did it take you to finally say enough is enough?

Grow A Pair.

I know that's true. But a huge part of me thinks it's worth it. Besides, I don't think I can hurt worse then I already am right now.

A huge part of you thinks its worth it because you have not yet accepted the fact that she has moved on and as long as you think like that and continue to be there for her whenever she needs you will keep suffering. You need to stop contacting her and not allow her to come into and out of your life whenever she feels like it. The longer you hang on to that hope of getting back together the longer and the harder your recovery process will be.

The first time my ex told me she had feelings for someone else I felt like my whole world was falling apart. She was dragging me though until she made up her mind. She hooked up with the guy before breaking it off with me. I made the mature decision to break it off with her. She came running and crying back to me and I accepted her. She was using my only weak spot, which is that I always told her that I would be there for her even when we are not together. For another week she took me through hell, the hardest time of my life. My friends were telling me to stop contacting her and although I knew I was destroying myself I felt weak. I then realised that all along I was thinking of her good and not my own whereas she only cared about herself, she didn't care about my feelings she only cared about whether she was making the right decision. About the fact that I hadn't eaten or slept for 2 weeks. I then decided to put my own good above hers and break any contact with her, probably the best decision I have ever made. I let her contact me twice after that but soon realised I shouldn't even be doing that and never answered any of her calls or texts again. Where I am getting at is that right now you need to put yourself first. You cannot make a clear decision and you need to give yourself time away from all this so that you can clear your mind and figure what is best for you NOT her, and the only way to do it is by not allowing her to contact you

So, after she got home from her Labor day trip. She texted and called me. I ignored both times. Wish me luck to refrain in the future! It is sort of empowering knowing she may be squirming with the "what's going on, why isn't he responding!"

I hear you, Chuff. And thanks, I really do appreciate it. How long did you hold on to her and try to "win her back" so to speak? How long did it take you to finally say enough is enough?

Well I have the unfortuate pleasure of working in the same building with my ex, and we are the contacts between our two businesses. So in that regard I can't shake her. I would say I held on for a month possibly 6 weeks. During this time I let her get away with a lot of verbal abuse towards and not defend myself as not to start any trouble. In reality what I was doing was defining who had the power between us... and I'm sad to report it wasn't me.

At some point I realized this was not going to work and I had to grow a pair, not for her but for me. I'll tell you what helped me do it, read the posts on this board and read the answers, even the ones going back years. This wasn't the first time I've done it, but I can't tell you how strong mentally and emotionally that can make you, because you can see through other guys mistakes (mine included) what you were doing wrong and you can see the results that happened as a result of certain behaviors. I'll be completely honest with you, I'm a highly emotional male and a "nice guy" two negatives against me in the world of women. When I first came here about 3 years ago, I was confused about a woman I worked with (there's a pattern developing here). Her screwing me over was the greatest gift in the world because it made me FINALLY search out answers for myself and why the same pattern of behavior kept happening with me and with women. After her I actually had a great girlfriend for about a year while applying what I was learning here and studying some psychology and it was in many respects the best girlfriend I've had. In fact we broke up because she moved back to Minnesota, and towards the end I saw what was coming and the break up bothered me for abourt 2 or 3 days. Then I found my latest ex and went out with her for a little over a year and guess what I quit doing. Applying what I learned here and reverted back to the nice guy.

After the break up I still couldn't shake the nice guy and continued to let her emotionally run circles around in hopes of her coming to her senses. Ironically enough one day after l was coming across the street after lunch and she was in a car being dropped off and making out with her new boyfriend. Like you my heart was in my stomach. Like you I was asking "how could she leave me for someone else, how could she be over me so quick?" Well the first answer is I wasn't paying attention and if I had been I would have seen my nice guy behavior seeping back and her pulling away. I allowed her to emotionally toy with me in hopes that she would wake up. In reality it just prolonged my depression and allowed her to use me.

Now I tell you that story to tell you this one.

She normally eats lunch right outside my window, so I started going home for lunch to avoid seeing her. This was for me, but about a month later I noticed she would walk by my window as she left the building. I thought this was strange since she never did that before even when we were going out. Mind you she never looked at me, just walked by. Then one day she looked really depressed when she was on break and I was walking outside, and with her face down she said about a new shirt I was wearing "that color looks really good on you." To me that was odd because she never went out of her way to compliment me even when we dated so naturally since she was down, depressed, and looking for a compliment back I did the exact opposite and told her "that looks like what you should be buried in." She then called me a douche at which point I told her "at least I'm scented" and walked away. She yelled to me "okay that was a good one." I had found out that she was having trouble with the new guy and low and behold look who she wanted for the back up plan. Me. I wasn't going to give her the pleasure, and neither should you.

A few weeks later I was wearing my new suit, and when I walked by about 10 women, her included on break the women started whistling at me and one of them even shouted "when are we going out." My ex immediately jumped in "did you get a new suit?" She got no response from me but I told all the girls that they had to form a line and that she was at the back. Again she looked down and away. No more mouthing off, the tide was turning and I was getting my power back, and the only thing I was doing was not talking to her. Later that very same day when she left I was standing outside my office and she made it a point to leave that way... which again is not the way most people or her leave our building and when she saw me she lit up and said, "You look really nice today." Once again, wanting me to take the bait, I said, "Wow, I didn't think you were capable of giving a compliment.....in fact I still don't," and smiled. No mouthing off, no calling me names, she just walked away.

I would see her on occasion and it was always "you look good today" or "your handsome" or something similar. I basically just said thanks and walked on. The last one she gave me, I just looked at her and said, "Oh it must be so hard for you." I wasn't giving her the satisfaction. Then I dropped off an invoice at her business and she very softly said hello. It was at this point that I noticed the compliments stopped and every time I saw her it was "hello" with her head down and she was very soft. Again I tell you this because when we broke up it was me who was quiet and letting her swear at me and not defending myself. I assumed the role of "I don't care what you think and I'm going to say what I want" even though I have to admit I did care what she thought. To be honest, I probably still do but I can't let her reality define mine. My reality is one that says she took advantage of my kindness, and I will grant I allowed it, but that was then, this is now and NOW I choose to man up and think of myself first, because she had a chance and SHE blew it.

Her sister always supported me and was on my side a lot in the relationship and when my ex came to get something from my company she mentioned that her sister said to say hello, now I dropped the ball on this one, I wish I would have said, "Why were you and your sister talking about me?" but instead I said "tell her I said hello back." At this which point my ex actually said to me "that's gross your cheating on me with my sister?"?? Still haven't figured that one out, but I shot back, "can you blame her, she always had it for me." Again, I'm not sure what my ex was trying to say about the cheating comment since we'd been broke up for months but I wouldn't let her have it.

Just last Wednesday, the ex approached me and said her sister was going to have a baby and I asked if she was going to name it after me. She then picks up her cell phone and calls her sister. At this point I told her the truth, I said, "I'm glad you called Toni because I really didn't want to talk to you." She tells her sister... who I haven't talked to in months mind you to name the baby after me and hands me the phone, which I proceed to grab with a rag. The ex starts complaining about how dirty the rag was and I said, "well God knows where you hands have been." She immediately shut up. I then talked to her sister for awhile and this is GOLD, my ex's name is Christee, so naturally when the call was done I said, "Well I'm giving the phone back to Christina! I didn't even call her by her correct name, nor did I acknowledge that I had misspoke (which I had done on purpose so it wasn't really misspeaking). At this point she just grabbed her phone and called her son and was obviously very sad....not upset just sad. (I propose that she called her little boy because he is her security blanket if you will, unconditional love after just getting no conditional love from me) and she hasn't said another word to me since.

Now again, that's my story up to the current point, but I was like you and I have been like you in the past, it's hard to walk away.....in fact it down right sucks, I won't lie. But at this point psychologically speaking she not only has the power in this relationship(and even if you aren't together you do have a relationship) she has your power. You give that to her every time you stay with her, because you can logically tell yourself it's over but you have to make the emotional reality for it to stick. Now I have the problem of working with my ex, you don't have that problem TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT! I have a friend who quit doing cocaine cold turkey....in theory that is supposed to be impossible but she did. She told me something about quitting drugs that I think is perfect for getting over a relationship and applying no contact. She said she can't go a lifetime without drugs but she can go a day. Same with getting over the ex, when you are tempted to call tell yourself, "Maybe I can't go a lifetime (which is a complete lie by the way) but I can go the day." If it is so bad that you feel like you have to call this minute tell yourself, "I can go the hour" Keep putting it off, and eventually you'll just put it off forever.

So, after she got home from her Labor day trip. She texted and called me. I ignored both times. Wish me luck to refrain in the future! It is sort of empowering knowing she may be squirming with the "what's going on, why isn't he responding!"

You are in control right now. I'll wish you luck as you asked but I don't know if you need it. You already recognize that you are enpowered and she is the one going "why isn't he responding." I think the evidence suggests she is indeeed, asking herself that question because she not only texted you, but when no response came she followed up with a phone call. She is unknowingly slowly giving her power back to you. Stand you ground and let her know she had a man and she blew it by giving her you power of silence.

Same with getting over the ex, when you are tempted to call tell yourself, "Maybe I can't go a lifetime (which is a complete lie by the way) but I can go the day." If it is so bad that you feel like you have to call this minute tell yourself, "I can go the hour" Keep putting it off, and eventually you'll just put it off forever.

This is some really good advice. Thanks, Chuff. Also thanks for sharing your story. It's always good to know that I'm not the only one out there going through hell. That's what this board is for after all!

This is some really good advice. Thanks, Chuff. Also thanks for sharing your story. It's always good to know that I'm not the only one out there going through hell. That's what this board is for after all!

Exactly, I feel like this board is actually like a map from hell. From here the only way to go is forward and up, all you have to do give your brain the positive and avoid the negative... not always easy but not impossible.

Bro, tell yourself that you are more worthy than she is.

Yeh, she's sleeping around but she'll be the one crying and bawling her eyes out when she either finds out she's infected or pregnant.

I've been going good and feeling for 1.5 weeks with NC. Then, yesterday I began to fall apart. No, I didn't break NC, but it's become harder and harder for me not to. I don't get why I have this urge all of the sudden. She's already dating again, etc and you would think this would make me not want to talk to her more. I just don't know. I'm just here to vent.

Vent away buddy. Just keep NC. Reading the stickies here helped me a lot. Keep your mind busy, do something anything to stop yourself from contacting. Post anything you want to vent.

Yeah, I just don't know. I know I'm infatuated (still) with how we used to be and what I thought she was. I know nothing but time and NC can shake it.

It comes in waves, kind of like a craving. You just have to though it out while it's happening and wait for it to pass. Keep reminding yourself that it'll pass but when it does, expect it to come back again just so it doesn't take you completely by surprise when it does. And remember that the way you're feeling right now, the waves, get further apart and less strong as time goes by. Hang in there!

I'm hanging! Because I know if I break it I'll just be another 1.5 weeks back, and right where I started. I'm going to go work out soon (which I haven't done in YEARS). Time to feel good about myself and get those endorphins rushing.

Seriously, NOTHING compares to the feel-good endorphins that exercising will give you. And it's self rewarding so good for you for doing it!

I've been going good and feeling for 1.5 weeks with NC. Then, yesterday I began to fall apart. No, I didn't break NC, but it's become harder and harder for me not to. I don't get why I have this urge all of the sudden. She's already dating again, etc and you would think this would make me not want to talk to her more. I just don't know. I'm just here to vent.


Actually, you knowing that she's dating around already is pissing you off and is making you want to talk to her to do a number of things.

1.) Try to win her back.
2.) Get angry and tell her how inconsiderate she is and that she is stupid.
3.) Try to get some closure, or show that you are better than her.

The truth is that you should just not check up on her love life or any part of her life for that matter. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, even if you're not together. If she was the one that broke up with you, then she is the one that has to bear the burden of always wondering if she made a mistake. You on the other hand get to have a clean slate, learn from the problem and better yourself. =)


I'm in the same boat, I don't know if my recent ex is dating anyone (I highly doubt it though) but to be perfectly honest, I feel that she is at the loss, not me.

Go kick it with friends and go party it up man!

I hear yah, and your 3 reasons make absolutely perfect sense now that you said them. That's exactly why. I do not go around snooping. Her best friend just happens to live 2 doors down from me and she chats me up in the hall sometimes.

You know.. that's why I snooped. I regretted it after I did it. Mostly #3. And maybe another reason. Stay Strong man, we are or were in the same boat at one time. I'm still in that boat with you and I don't think I'm jumping ship anytime soon :)

Yeah, I'm in the same boat too lol.

2.5 year anniversary, then the next week (exactly 1 week after) she dumps me after saying that very same day how much she loves me and is happy I am in her life and all that bullcrap.

Now she won't even talk to me and we broke up August 23rd.

Just see it as she lost out on a good thing. Arguments can be resolved, issues can be fixed, and broken hearts can always be mended.

If it gives you any hope, my good friends parents dated for like 4 years when they were a bit younger, broke up for 6 years and then have gotten back together and been married for 23 years.

Nothing is "forever" and maybe you're just not in the right places at life to be together. Everyone hits their maturity level at a different age. That's when people get together and start looking at a future TOGETHER.

Yeah, I'm in the same boat too lol.

2.5 year anniversary, then the next week (exactly 1 week after) she dumps me after saying that very same day how much she loves me and is happy I am in her life and all that bullcrap.

Now she won't even talk to me and we broke up August 23rd.



LMAO... I wish I had a dollar for every time I've read this on here , amazing isn't it. One minute they supposedly LOVE YOU and the next...

LMAO ...............I wish I had a dollar for everytime I've read this on here , amazing isn't it. One minute they supposedly LOVE YOU and the next.....................

I have a feeling they all plan it FAR in advance. Something just hits them the wrong way, or someone else comes along and gives them a little encouraging shove, and that's all they wrote.

I have a feeling they all plan it FAR in advance. Something just hits them the wrong way, or someone else comes along and gives them a little encouraging shove, and that's all they wrote.
Lol I'll agree with the shove.

Feelings come and go, be patient and stay on the path, as emotional storms do pass.

Pat yourself on the back for riding this one out.

It's been another rough day. Just trying to wait out this emotional storm, it's a dousy. My mind and heart keep fighting each other tooth and nail. My mind says to get over it, she ain't coming back ever. My heart still hangs on to false hope. I hope my heart lets go of that sooner rather than later.

Hang in there buddy! I'm rooting for you because I know exactly how you feel. Just when I think I'm over it, all of a sudden I start thinking about my ex and start getting all worked up. The good news is that as time passes, those incidents occur far less and when it does, it doesn't get me down so much as it used to. So I know I'm on the road to recovery. I know there will still be bumps down the road and I'm sure I'll be posting here again about something stupid regarding my ex but I know I am making progress. Just hang in there! Also I totally encourage to start working out again. What helped me recover was picking up some new hobbies or restarting some old ones. It really preoccupied my thoughts and helped a lot. When you breakup, often you have this extra time that you allocated for your ex and now you having nothing to do with it but feel depressed. Make sure you fill that time up with some other hobby!

Thanks. This site helps, knowing there are others in my position that are going through the same thing. I just wish I would drop the obsessive thoughts.

The key to drop the thoughts is to pick up something else that will occupy them. And it's got to be something you really enjoy, but just never got around to doing. Doing something for the sake of doing something will not help. Try a few things and once you find something you like, run with it!

If I had not found this site, I do not know where I'd be at this point, probably sitting here still crying and calling and wondering why.

You will man! Don't worry! All you need to is stick to that desire to lose them and you will!

Reading the stories here, the difference between those who heal and those who don't (imo) is that the healed WANT to get over it. They keep the mindset that though the ex is gone, they want to feel better.

Ride this out man. I guarantee it ALL goes eventually.

Also something to think about - when I broke up I knew mutual friends would talk about it eventually. And when they did, I made sure as **** it wouldn't be along the lines of "jai took it really hard and he's broken and depressed and he cried a lot." duck that for a dollar. I took that happy face and made it real. I wanted anything the mutuals reported to be good - that I was fine, maybe even better, and living it up. It gave me a burning desire - I got everything else in my life in order. And now no one can touch me. Not her, certainly not her friends :) Nobody will ever be able to take me that low again. My promise to myself and the world at large. Like I said bro... the pain? It ALL goes eventually.

I hear you. The one big thing I took away from this whole thing, is not to shun your friends because you are in a relationship. All of our "mutual" friends sided with her and won't talk to me, and all of my old friends either don't care anymore, moved away, or are still jaded I chose her over them a LONG time ago. So, I'm struggling with REALLY being alone.

Word to that man. Word to that. I'm stillsurprised all of mine came round (I basically spam
Txted everybody and they all bit). Friends will be there when partners won't. I know that now and I'd walk through fire for any of them.

Well, it took 2.5 days, but the storm passed and I'm better now. At least for a few days. I just now keep telling myself there is absolutely nothing I can do to make her feel differently towards me, or make her stop calling/dating other guys. Absolutely nothing.

You will man! Don't worry! All you need to is stick to that desire to lose em and you will!

Reading the stories here, the difference between those who heal and those who don't (imo) is that the healed WANT to get over it. They keep the mindset that though the ex is gone, they want to feel better.

Ride this out man. I guarantee it ALL goes eventually.
That is exactly how I feel atm. I do not want the pain anymore I am letting go, She does not love me anymore so I should not waste my feelings on someone who does not love me back. It may have meant something at the time but now it has changed and I accept that fact for what it is. I enjoyed the year and half but now its time to move on.

Brew,

Take this how you will, but I know from my experience that when things happen, such as finding out she is talking/dating someone else, it almost has an effect of making you stronger in NC. I can tell you that when I found out my ex was dating someone else, it bugged me quite a bit of a few days, but after I got over it, you realize that you don't have to worry about finding that out anymore.

Its about as close as "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" as you can get. Once you work through it, and do it without overreacting or making bad decisions, you are better equipped to handle NC and anything that comes up in the future...

There's your silver lining :)

So, I've actually been doing a lot of thinking these past 7 weeks we've been over. I've been thinking of sending my ex a letter via snail mail.

Let me start by saying, I have NO intention of getting her back with this letter. I do NOT care if she spits on it and tosses it in the trash. The reason I would do it, is for me to just let go. Write out stuff that wasn't said (last time we talked was in a fight where we both just stormed out, haven't spoken since). And then just leave it at that and move on. No regret, no worrying about stuff I wanted to say but didn't. I don't even expect a response from her.

Stupid move? Good move it it helps me move on? Other thoughts? You huys have been the voice of reason for me in this very difficult time. I'm sure you can shred some ray of truth to this as well.

Errrmm...

Write the letter sure. It will probably help you feel better about the things your thinking. Sending the letter - I think that's a different story. It might be best to write the letter and burn it, or send it to yourself or even post it up on here. In fact, there is a thread for writing letters to your exs. I'm not sure you want to risk opening up the lines of communication again... Best to let sleeping dogs lie...

Here is a good place for that letter.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/letters-our-exes-154321.html?highlight=letters+to+our+exes

BrewCrew - I know exactly how you feel. Because I was thinking the same thing. Check this out:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/want-write-letter-ex-send-her-246366.html

The advice I got was the same. And I listened. And now looking back, I'm glad I listened.

Thanks for the tips guys. But, after a "friend" (or an ahole friend of hers, should I say) blurted out how much fun and how much sex she is having with some guy she isn't even "with", that put the whole lid on that plan. I'm not mad, not sad, just.. I don't know. It sucks, but at least I know it's over, and my false hope is now all but gone. So, I guess I can look at it in that good way.

Thanks for the tips guys. But, after a "friend" (or an ahole friend of hers, should I say) blurted out how much fun and how much sex she is having with some guy she isn't even "with", that put the whole lid on that plan. I'm not mad, not sad, just.. I dunno. It sucks, but at least I know it's over, and my false hope is now all but gone. So, I guess I can look at it in that good way.
Man I feel you. At least you can let go of that false hope that no matter what seems to stick around. Its for the best and do not fight life instead jump into it.

Yeah, I know there is no hope and that there is nothing I can do about it. I'm sure I'll be depressed for at least a couple days, and then decide to start fresh.

Like in your situation all of our common friends have taken her side (partly because she hasn't told people that she cheated on me) and I have therefore, been excluded from a group of friends that I have known since high school. We live abroad and unfortunately all of my best friends moved back home after we were done with college. Being excluded from your social circle sucks (possibly even more than breaking up) but I like to believe that when one door closes another opens. I suggest you see this as an opportunity to go out and meet new people or even make the effort to reconnect with your old friends (it is never too late). I do get times where I feel depressed but this happens when I am alone and get bored and start thinking how much better it would be if she was here. But I then remind myself why she is not and force myself to get up and do something (either meet up with a friend, go to the gym, basically anything). I agree that the way she dealt with all this was completely wrong but for your own good don't continue her work, because now you are the only one that can hurt yourself. Just say to yourself that you refuse to get depressed over someone that deals with this whole situation in such an immature way.

I hear you on the friends portion, buster. I wish I hadn't left them all, and the friends I thought I had, weren't really my friends to begin with. I've been working with social anxiety my entire life, and I'm better than I used to be when I was a wee tyke. I have only 2 friends (literally, no exaggeration) right now, so at least they help keep me busy 2 or 3 days out of the week. The weekends are the hardest. So, I'm still struggling to meet new people, but I know if I put my mind to it, I can accomplish anything.

So, today is her birthday. While I'm down, I've done well in controlling contacting her, even if it's just to say Happy Birthday. I know she won't care. She's out drinking it up with her friends and new guy. I know she isn't thinking about me. No point in me thinking about her.

Hang in there! It was my ex's birthday a few weeks ago. Had to resist the itch... actually your reply to my post back then helped me resist!

Anyway its tough but keep it up!

What the hell is NC? What are you on about?

You know.. that's why I snooped. I regretted it after I did it. Mostly #3. And maybe another reason. Stay Strong man, we are or were in the same boat at one time. I'm still in that boat with ya and I don't think i'm jumping ship anytime soon :)

Hey man, I would listen to this guy... he really knows what he's talking about!!
He has helped me out of my little problem and now that I took his advise, I get the feeling that everythings going to be all right... and stick with the working out... it really helps relieve the stress!! And don't just do it alone! To me, nothing beats the feeling of walking out of the gym with my friends after we just wasted some guy who was thought he was cool for lifting 100 pounds! Hahahaha!!


OORAH!

Hey Brew, in same situtation. No contact for a week. Heard about new guy. What the He11. Just do not break no contact. Do things talk with you friends. I only have 2 as well. All of other friends were relatives of the ex or went to school with her. All on her side, like you she left out all of the stuff she done. I don't degrade her to them I just stay away. So good luck and you can do this just like I can had a bad day today came here and answered questions and posted some. Do anything just know you are better off to do the no contact. Good luck!!

Heya brew, don't really have anything knew to add. Just letting you know I'm still here cheering for you

How's it all going anyway, how you holding up this week?

have only 2 friends (literally, no exaggeration) right now, so at least they help keep me busy 2 or 3 days out of the week. The weekends are the hardest.

One thing this whole situation has done for me is try and find the positive side of things going on in my life. Even if I'm having a bad day I try and find the smallest positive thing going on and focus on that. You have 2 friends and a whole community on this site willing to help you out, don't forget about that and you still have your health and the will to get over this so you will be fine. The weekends are tough because you were used to spending them with her. Maybe start by joining a club or society, pick up a sport, a team sport will help your social skills as well. What is something you always wanted to learn or do but never had the time for?



So, today is her birthday. While I'm down, I've done well in controlling contacting her, even if it's just to say Happy Birthday. I know she won't care. She's out drinking it up with her friends and new guy. I know she isn't thinking about me. No point in me thinking about her.

You are doing well in protecting yourself. It is just one day and it will pass. I you feel like you can't resist the urge just come here and vent.

I hear you, buster. I'm trying to go out and do things, even if it's only a few times a week. Who knows who I'll meet. Maybe my next best friend.

I hear you on the weekends. I'm so used to being with her (we lived together for 3 years) every weekend, and did everything together. Now that's gone. I will admit, she is starting to fade from my mind. While I will never forget, and still miss her greatly, I can't really hear her voice anymore the way I used to.

I'm doing the best I can to protect myself. Nothing good can come out of contact. Especially knowing that it will just be me making a lame attempt to reconcile, when I know she will just ignore it.

I'm doing the best I can to protect myself. Nothing good can come out of contact.

Exactly, that's definitely good to hear



I'm trying to go out and do things, even if it's only a few times a week. Who knows who I'll meet. Maybe my next best friend.

You never know. The main thing is to keep yourself busy with stuff you enjoy. Just think how much effort, energy and time you spent trying to make the relationship work. You have now got the chance to divert all that into anything you want. Its an opportunity because as I said when one door closes another one opens. I always wanted to be in control of every aspects of my life and one thing I learnt from all this is that some things are beyond our control and we just have to let go and just see where things take us.

So, I'm having a little bit of a down day. Yesterday was pretty good day for me. It's getting better day by day, but today I just woke up and was feeling down. Just have to ride it out.

But, I do have a question for you guys, since you always seem to have the right answers:

I had to hook up my old PC last night (haven't used it since my ex used it probably like a year ago). I found out all of her passwords and logins were saved in the browsers automatic pw save feature. So, my question is this: Should I shoot her a quick email saying she saved her passwords on my old PC and should change them? That's it, just something that simple. No hey how are you, whatcha doing or anything. The reason I want to, is because I know I'll eventually have a REALLY bad day again, and I don't want to urge to log in to all of her stuff to find out stuff I shouldn't/don't want to know about.

Thanks in advance for any answers!

No. That's breaking no contact.

If they are just saved on the PC then you can just go to the settings of your PC and delete all saved passwords. I would try and find a solution that will not involve any form of contact. Just to be on the safe side.

Don't take this the wrong way...

But it sounds like you are trying to find an excuse to contact her. Having a down day will do that to you, just don't do it. You'll regret it afterward. It is easy for you to delete the passwords, or simply not use the computer (you haven't used it in over a year so why now?)...

Nah, not taken the wrong way. You are all probably right. Just don't even bother. Subconsciously, I'm probably just thinking up a way to contact her. I'll just skip it.

Guys. I feel you. Im going through a similar situation. What makes it hard for me is that she still calls and texts just to see what I'm doing. Its hard for me to not pick up the phone. After reading the posts here I've being no contact for 1 day. I know 1 day is nothing but I'm sure going to still to it to reach a year with NC. Better yet ill make it NC for ever. Im thinking of changing my number and just disappearing out of her life. I don't deserve what she did to me. She made me believe she loved me and wanted a future with me and then letting it go like nothing. But it only makes me stronger.

Guys. I feel you. Im going through a similar situation. What makes it hard for me is that she still calls and texts just to see what im doing. Its hard for me to not pick up the phone. after reading the posts here ive being no contact for 1 day. I know 1 day is nothing but im sure going to still to it to reach a year with NC. Better yet ill make it NC for ever. Im thinking of changing my number and just dissapearing out of her life. I dont deserve what she did to me. she made me beleive she loved me and wanted a future with me and then letting it go like nothing. But it only makes me stronger.

Keep strong 1 day is something. Go for 3 days then 6 and so on :)

Exactly. The first 2 weeks for me were the hardest. While I didn't break NC, I broke down twice pretty bad. I'm still down now, almost done with week 3, but it's getting better. Being alone is becoming normal, and she is slowly fading away.

For anyone here who is just entering the post-breakup stage (or perhaps someone who has been broken up, but is having trouble moving on), with all of the crazy, confused and wild emotions; print this letter and hang it on your bedroom door and read it to yourself every morning when you get up:


I, (state your name), do, hereby, solemnly swear that I will not behave in the manner of a crazy ex-girlfriend/boyfriend. I will not participate in foolish or destructive behavior. I promise to act in a dignified fashion and that means I will not do stupid things, no matter how I might rationalize them. Therefore, I vow the following:

I will not call/text him/her. No matter what good or bad news I think he/she should hear only from me, I will not call him/her. Even if I am convinced it will make me feel better, I will not call him/her. I will not call him/her even to get my stuff. I'll have a friend do that, preferably via email.

I will not email him/her. Not even an innocent and rather funny group email forward. I will not email him/her simply to give him/her back his/her stuff. I will not contact him/her at all.

I will not stalk his/her Facebook, MySpace or the equivalent. I will drop him/her as a friend at all sites I currently have an account with, as well as all of his/her friends that he/she associates with. Even if I believe they are "mutual friends."

I will not frequent the places I know he/she goes to, even if I went there first and like it better. I acknowledge that this is not a pissing contest about territory. I know going to such places will hurt more than it will help. Until there has been some space and time between us, going to those places is asinine, can be viewed as stalker-ish and will be painful only to me.

I will not encourage or allow friends to do anything foolhardy, even with my best interest at heart. That includes talking to him/her when they see him in public to let him/her know he/she is a jerk and he'll/she'll never do better than me, or to share that I am looking fabulous, got a promotion, bought a new house and am dating Jake Gyllenhaal/Jessica Alba (or the regional equivalent thereof).

I will screen all of my calls. I will always use caller ID, and put a private call block on my phone. I will not answer the phone unless I know who it is and am sure it's not him/her. All other calls will go to voicemail. If it's important, I know they will leave a message.

I will not take his/her phone calls. I repeat, I will not take his/her calls.

I will not return his/her phone calls or emails. If he/she is "just checking" to see how I am, I know he/she is really just checking to see if I think he's/she's a jackass. He/She is looking for an ego stroke, not to get back together, and I know this because he/she did not start the communication with, "I am sorry. I made a mistake. I want us to get back together."

I will not look for signs that we will get back together. This includes asking the Magic-8 Ball or tarot card readers and the like. The only professional guidance I will seek will be that of a licensed therapist or member of the clergy.

I will not believe this is temporary. I will see this as permanent until proven otherwise by concrete actions, immense apologies and couple's therapy.

I will not hide under a rock, be humiliated or ashamed that this relationship ended. For all I know, this could be the best thing that ever happened to me. And I believe the wonderful stuff I deserve is on its way.

I promise to abide by these vows for a minimum of ninety (90) days, or until I have gotten over him/her, whichever is longer. This is about me feeling better and that has nothing to do with him.

This I do affirm. So help me.

Signed,

Me

by Sandra Ann Miller, love.ivillage.com

Hi, BrewCrew0981!

Those are some really excellent thoughts that you have posted!

However, if you're going to post something of that sort of length on this site that's from another site, it would be good if you would at least put a link in the post to the original website from where it originated in order to give some credit to the original author and/or source. If you know the name of the author, it would be best to be mentioning that also.

Thanks!

I know it's hard, my son is going through something similar to this right now and it's killing me. You have to be strong... respect yourself... move on and do not let her bring you down. Hang out with other friends, girls, whatever, keep yourself busy and I promise you with time, the pain will start to fade away.

GG

I'm going to say if she's already seeing someone else, she probably didn't care that much about you to be honest, take this as a sign to move on. A buddy of mine had his girlfriend break up with him and found out she was with someone else really soon and my buddy after being upset and everything found condolence in the fact that it was over, and she wanted something else, making it easier to let go.

Keep strong 1 day is something. Go for 3 days then 6 and so on :)

Sounds like an aspirin commercial. Lol :D

As some of you may remember, my ex and I broke up a little over 6 months ago. Since then I have had about 6 months of no contact, and if not for finding that plan here, who knows where I would be. I am glad to say I'm in a much better place in life and am about to get back out there. So, I thought I would come here to ask a simple (perhaps complex) question:

How do you got about making that first call to a girl these days? I haven't had to do it in over a decade. Make lame small talk for 3 minutes, then ask them out? Just cut to the chase? I'm not nervous or afraid, just curious as to the etiquette these days.

Thanks in advance for any insight you guys can shed on this for me!

I think it depends on the circumstances surrounding how you came to have the girl's number...

If she gave it to you, call, chat for a few minutes, then ask her out...

The preliminaries of dating haven't changed as far as I know.
Small talk about what is happening in your neck of the woods and then you pop the question,easy as pie!
You go guy,get back on that horse:)

I think it depends on the circumstances surrounding how you came to have the girl's number...

Friend of a friend gave her my email address. We emailed around 2-3 times then I asked for her number and she gave it to me saying I should call and we can grab dinner, etc sometime.

Just call her and say "hello, how are you" and then ask "I was wondering if you would like to go out to eat with me?"

Make some small talk, then ask when she'd be free.. great to hear your doing so well.

Like everyone said small talk. I was in the same boat a couple of years ago. I was very nervous but when I started talking to a girl it was like riding a bike. Just talk about things you like at first then other topics will come up. Then after a while of talking to women on the phone it got easier talking them on the phone. But for me the first call is the most nerve racking. You'll be fine.

There is really no script just be yourself and everything else would fall into place.

Just ask, but make the first "date" small. Most people say over coffee, but I can't stand coffee so I say ice cream. Make it something small, because a date is an event, which can be a little overwhelming right of the bat is you don't have a connection yet.