Hi everyone,

It has been some time since I have been here last.

I have to say between you guys and the close friends that I have, I managed to get along a lot further and faster than I had expected. Or least I thought that I had.

Let me run it down for those who don't know the premise to my situation.

The ex broke up with me about 4 months ago (after about 8 years). Since then we have bumped into each other a few times and even though I had been trying my best to save face and be the bigger person, she still managed to give off an attitude toward me that made me feel two inches tall. I have since managed to figure out how to not let that get to me and since there has been significant change in how I handle any situation that I am in around her.

The last couple of times that I have run into her though, there has been a very different feeling. She is somewhat flirty with me and then goes into (for better use of the term) b!tch mode. I get the feeling that the change happens because she starts to realize that she's flirting and tries to pull herself back into a guarded defense position. I completely understand that this is most likely normal because even though she broke up with me, I know that she was very hurt by the breakup too. I would even go as far to to say that she is just trying to figure out a couple of things. First being, how receptive am I to the flirtiness, and secondly, how willing she is to put herself out there for the potential that she would only hurt herself if she didn't pull back the way she is.

I know that I still love her with all my heart and have been asked this by several of my friends. They and I understand and accept that this is just how I feel. I know that in time that may change but that is a place that I am not ready to be right now and I am happy with that. I hope everyone can understand that having such a solid realization of where I am emotionally is in my opinion, a healthy thing. Even though I carry these feelings for her, I do not dwell on them. I don't and won't go out of my way to try to see her and I make no effort to contact her unless it is absolutely necessary. Also they do not stop me from moving on in my day to day life. Nor do they stop me from meeting new people, having fun, trying a lot of new things or asking the occasional girl out on a date. In fact, it seems that since this revelation, that almost all of the things that were bouncing around in my head suddenly became much clearer.

This is where the problems begin to come into play.

She and I still have a few mutual friends. A couple of them are very good at knowing information for their own gain and self gratification. Almost in a way that they try to bet on how things are going to play out in peoples lives. It is quite annoying knowing this but it's something that is no surprise to me. One of the problems is though that because this is the type of games they play, it leads me to believe that they can not be trusted with any advice that they give simply because I can't trust if it's for the greater good or personal gain.

This leads me to a much greater problem. Out of shear coincidence, yesterday, I ran into one of the women that she works with and is pretty good friends with (this co-worker has known me for quite some time but would be an acquaintance at best). I know that this woman has absolutely nothing to gain from mingling in this situation and was worried that the ex might find out that she was even talking to me. This leads me to the brunt of the conversation. She told me that she had recently asked my ex what she would do or answer if I proposed to her. The ex told her that she was not sure at this point (completely understandable considering). This friend proceeded to tell me that she knows how I feel about my ex and knows how my ex feels about me. She then told me that I should ask my ex to marry me. Believe me she did not mince words about it either.

At this point I was caught off guard, and now I am back in a bit of a state of confusion so to say. I am in this place where I know how I feel about her and if she feels the same about me, than I have to believe that we would be great together. On the other side of that, there is a part of me that is for the better use of the term scared. There are at least a couple of reasons. Mainly, being away from her for such a period, I can only go on the words of others about how she feels about me (lack of certainty of her true feelings), and I know what I went through over the past few months and how tough it was. As selfish as it is, would like to avoid having to dig myself out of a pit that I am just getting out of. I am glad that I have enough clarity to stop myself from just running over there a doing it and that thinking about everything and coming to a sound, reasonable decision is the best thing to do, but there is that but.

I understand that this is a decision and a course of action that I have to come to on my own, but I would like to know what thoughts that you guys have on this situation, both positive and negative.

Also, if you could keep in mind, that after an 8 year relationship and how I feel about her, that I decided to seek out advice first rather that just blindly running to her and popping it on her.

I do however, look forward to reading your comments on this.

8 years is a long time, so I understand the desire to figure out some way to get this girl forever. I truly do. But I'm not sure you're being honest with what you would be getting if that were to happen.

You'd get the exact girl you've seen for the past couple of years. Crazy, b1tchy, uncontrolled, and someone who had to be finagled into marrying you.

That's not the ideal and you know it.

Of course you still love her. EIGHT YEARS and I bet you've felt that way about her since the first or second date. Close? Look, love comes on its own. It's nothing either one of you did. The love/like attraction is the reason you two bothered dating in the first place.

But it's all the OTHER stuff that determines if a person is a good lifemate or not. Not love, everything else.

You will NOT put any credence whatsoever on what any person ever says to you about the thoughts/feelings/motivations/facts about other people. Never, not ever. Did I mention NEVER?

"Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear." - Dinah Mulock Craik

You make life decisions on things you experience first-hand, things you know because you've seen it. Have you seen this woman so enthralled by the though of you and the chance to spend forever with you that she treats you like the catch you know you are? I bet not. I bet that stuff stopped sometime in your first couple of years of dating.

I am going to suggest that the last 6-7 years of your relationship was you two trying to figure out how to live with each other when so many things about you were basically incompatible... mostly because you loved each other.

One of you finally got tired of how much work it is to make a go with someone who isn't a good match. It IS a lot of work.

I truly think you need to file this life experience away and stop trying to continue the same mistake you make for the past 6 years... stop trying to give life to a relationship that was meant to be over.

It's not a failure to love someone and not end up with them forever. It's a failure to love someone who isn't a good match at all, and not realize it... get married and end up miserable. That's failure.

I have to give you a lot of credit, for not only seeing things for what they are, but basing your actions in fact, and not just feelings.

As far as proposing marriage? No way, just for the fact that past action don't support a good outcome, and neither of you is in a position to seriously consider it, present circumstances are all the evidence you need.

Just because someone put the idea in your head, is no reason to act on it, without all the time, and thoughts it deserves, which is NONE!