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View Full Version : Is this a break up?


molly42
Aug 15, 2008, 09:35 PM
I met a great guy about a year ago through friends. We had our first date three months ago and had a great time. We got very close quickly thereafter, seeing each other every weekend after that. He introduced me to his father and rest of his family within a month and a half and we were talking about marriage. I thought he was wonderful. Very attentive but also very controlling and wanted to know where I was at all times since he lives 3 hours away. A few weeks ago we started having bickerings since we were spending every hour of every weekend together. Two weekends ago we got into a disagreement and I walked out at 5 am. He text me and said we shouldn't wait eachothers' time if we have issues we can't resolve. I text back and said I agree and didn't call until late that night. He didn't pick up my call. Instead text and said he doesn't thing the long distance rel is working for him. I called him back and asked if he was sure this is what he wanted. He said no, and asked what I wanted. I said we shouldn't end our rel but all he said is "I don't know." We didn't talk for two days and he didn't answer my call when I called him on the third day. I called him at work and asked that we talk and he said "when do you want to talk, not this weekend." but then he was very dismissive when I said I couldn't talk the following wkdn and that we should talk on the phone if we can't meet soon face to face. Its been a week and I haven't heard from him. He said "he doesn't know what to tell me" when I talked to him the last time. Is he over reacting to me leaving in the morning or is our rel over? Should I contact him again? I don't know how he can go 100 miles /hr then end it over a weekend.

BetrayalBtCamp
Aug 15, 2008, 10:09 PM
Well, there are a lot of red flags there that should make you cautious even if he is willing to stay in the relationship.

A month & a half is very fast to be talking marriage. That's still very early lust / infatuation stage which wears off (usually 2 yrs or less) while marriage should be permanent.

And despite this talk of marriage, obviously the conflict resolution skills between you guys are not working well. Marriage is full of conflicts so being to work things out is crucial to a good relationship.

One disagreement & he pulled out the "let's not waste each other's time" card when you left abruptly. That doesn't remotely sound like a couple really ready for a solid relationship much less a marriage.

You have already noticed he's controlling & you've barely started dating. That isn't a character trait that goes away the longer you're together, it usually gets worse if he doesn't make a concerted effort to figure out why he's that way & wanting to change it.

On top of being controlling, he's just ignoring & stonewalling you which is a pretty immature way to deal with a problem. If he accelerates that behavior after a marriage, it can become an insideous form of abuse. It certainly doesn't indicate that despite the early talk of marriage, he's willing to take some time to try to constructively work things out with you. In fact, his actions show the opposite is true.

This early on, you should be seeing him put on his "best" side to convince you that he's worth picking as your one & only for a lifetime. So take a real good look at what exactly he's really offering & what you would be giving up to get to play on his relationship see-saw where one minute he's talking a lifetime with you & the next doesn't even bother to contact you at all for days at a time.

So you have to decide if someone that talks marriage quickly which is an adult team sport but acts so consistently childish & self centered is worth investing more of you life to & dealing with if a real partnership with an adult is what you want.

He has a lot more growing up to do it sounds like, & it would do you good to spend some time getting some good resources on how to have a good healthy relationship / marriage as well on how to be a good partner to get a head start on being better prepared for the right one when he shows up. I strongly suspect that's not this guy.