Hey everyone!
Here and back again... :P

Before anything id like to tell you that I think a lot and maybe I am just paranoid but I still need to ask an outside part about this.

Me and my girlfriend met about a year ago at a club at the end of last summer. She is a dancer and I like to dance so whe met there and then I went back to school. Seven hours away from my other home. So after meeting each other we spoke on the phone and MSN a lot and we both realized that we fit very well together and our feelings grew stronger.

Sixmonths later we met again during christmas holidays and now we pretty much had developed a relationship just over the phone. We really really knew each other. Which was nice and it was a good way to start things off. And we got together. And we kept a relationship on distance. And this I think was really really good since now we know we can trust oneanother and we have bulit a really great love. Its much beter than anything I've had before.

The story with my girl is that she has a wonderful family. Especially her closest sister and her father. They are all very caring and super suportive to things they care about. Very loyal and yeah... just really good people.
But her mother his another storry. A story I don't know too much about... sadly...
Their mother has a psycological disorder of some kind and some times just snapps.
She can yell at her daughters only to turn the other day to say that she is sad and hates that she doesn't live with the family (they are divorced).


Anyway now we have been together for a year and everything is good except one feeling I have.

I fell that I have become some sort of a supporting pillar for her.

I am acting like a very close friend and sometimes even as a parent (I am a little older than she).
This feels wrong since I have experienced before that being too much of a romancer, helpful guy isn't good in the end. And I've been in both ends. I know how it feels to have some one adore me "to much".
ANd I REALLY don't want her to feel that way.




What should I do?



I mean I am in a relationship and we are supposed to support each other.
But she of course needs to stand on her own legs.
And then again it feels wrong to leave her when she is getting very bad treatment from her parent.
She has to sort out her own problems with her parents... right?
Should I try to go se her mother?

I mean of course I should support my girlfrind but It is very easy for me to fall into a sort of helpful friend slash doctor or psychologist. And this role is not to romantic or atrractive.
It's a side of me that I people like but its not very attractive to women...




Thank you to enyone who even reads that long post.
But please please give some feedback :)


Thanks guys!

How old is she? She should move out if she 17 or 18.

Age makes a big difference here. Also, has this psychological problem of her mother's just developed or have they been quite aware of it for a long time?

Another question would be what was or is her role model as far as a father figure in her life? Some women who have not had that father role model growing up tend to look for that in their relationships with men, older men. It is not necessarily a bad thing that she looks to you for support and she needs to feel that she has your support, but as long as you keep playing that "Father" figure to her she will continue to depend on that. What you want is to be the lover in her life.

Communication with her would be essential about this. Not to offend her or cause her to have feelings of abandonment but as to how you can be supportive of her while maintaining your role as her boyfriend/lover. And she may need to comes to terms with what she wants in your relationship...a father...or a lover?

Well the age of course is a factor but I don't think it is a problem. She is a lot more grown up than I am even thoug there is 3 years between us.

The problems with her mother have been there for along time. A lot longer before I came into the picture.


Her father is a very good and important role model and has pretty much caried the entire family on his own since the incident with their mom.


We really have a great relationship and we are such a perfect match and we have no problems at all besides this. We can talk about anything and we feel so close to each other already. The only thing we don't talk about is the thing with her mother.
I am afraid that she will get offended if I bring this subject up. But I know that I have to bring it up.
And if I do bring it up... wont I just be stepping into this father role again?


.
In the mean time... What can I do to step more towards the boyfriend role?




Wonder

Well first of all about the age thing. Age doesn't matter unless you make it matter. Nothing has meaning except for the meaning you give it. Stereotyping by age is as ridiculous as stereotyping people by hair color or shoe size. The important thing is you are interested in her for who she is.

The next thing about how to be more of the boyfriend and not the father would be to drop all the fatherly stuff and start engaging in this relationship as the boyfriend. Boyfriends who really care about their girlfriends are still there to support them emotionally without offering to tell them what to do. Or what they should do. That would be the father..a boyfriend would offer his support and ask her what does she think about the situation and how would she handle it or what does she think she could do. This allows her to think on her own and come up with her own solutions yet you were still there to support her through it. As the boyfriend.

Get it out of your head you can fix anything, and besides supporting her, there is nothing you should do but, be a good listener, and keep advice to a bare minimum. Communication, and balance, the rest is enjoying your time together ,as you learn about each other. Go slow, and pay attention, and as far as her family goes, let her lead.

Be her shoulder but don't be her crutch

Why do you feel that you are falling into the fatherly role? I don't understand this part. Because it has to deal with her family? Sounds to me like she has a father figure in her life. Sometimes in a relationship our roles aren't always the most comfortable, we can't get squirrely sort a speak and just want to be in the happy boyfriend/girlfriend role, sometimes things require a little more seriousness and working through it. That doesn't mean you are being fatherly - it means that you are being there for her when she needs you. You still haven't said her age though either... AND.. no, you shouldn't just go see her mother - you can't fix her psychological problems. If you go to see her mother it should be with your girlfriend IF she wants that. Have you asked her what she would like from you right now?

Okay thanks guys!

It sure is nice to have this forum and bounce around some thoughts.
BIG thanks!


Anyway she is 17 and I am 20 but age does not make a difference for me.
If two people like each other than societys norm shouldn't keep them away from oneanother.

Anyway...

The reason why I am asking this is because my last girlfriend broke up with me just because of this sort of role that I took.
Or at least it is what she told me... and I can see it now and I do believe her.

And I will never go se her mother without her telling me.


This is prettey much just about me not wanting to be a boyfriend who gets boring just because he is ALWAYS there.
Because it has hurt me in the past...
Or am I wrong maybe?



Thanks guys!

I think you are holding onto the past. If you think you have become boring because you are always there then communicate it to your girlfriend. She may be unaware of how this is making you feel. Not that you don't want to support her and she should feel that you are there for her but you are wanting to change roles and become more of a lover then just her support group.

Talk to her about this and maybe she is willing to adjust a little to create a more balanced role for you in the relationship.

Okay, maybe I'm one of the few but I find a supportive boyfriend extremely desirable and yes, sexy. If you feel you are spending too much time with her, then spend some more time doing your own thing, but you shouldn't have to try and dictate how you behave towards her (unless of course this was an unsafe or abusive situation which it's not)- you should be yourself. Ultimately how can you even consider spending a long time with a person unless you are totally comfortable in your own skin with that person? Don't you think?

I understand getting burned on that before - I've been burned a gazillion times by friends and ex's because - well, because I genuinely care and I give 100% of me and my heart. If I ever did anything less I wouldn't be me! Think about it!;)

Thanks guys!
My confidence is bosted sooooo mcuh by this forum!
It really is the best! :D


I have to talk to her I guess :)


Just got to get the gutts to do it :)


Thanks again!

You save me!