Is it normal for someone in a committed relationship to fantasize about someone else when they are with you, in bed?

My boyfriend told me the other night that he has thought about someone else a couple of times and when I asked more... he said he has always wondered what it would be like to have sex with her. (She is not single she is in a "bad" marriage) When I tried to get to him to open up more he basically dropped it and shrugged it off. He said I have met her but I can't remember what she looks like. He commented that I said she looked like a hooker and the christmas party I met her at. He also mentioned she had enormous breasts, but that is about all he would say... and now he won't talk about it at all.

Now I am wondering how many times my face and body are replaced by her in my own bed :(

It is very normal for individuals in a sexual relationship to fantasize about having sex with other people than their partner after some time has passed.

It is really important not to press for details about revelations like this-just let it go. As you have learned, pressing for details causes a lot of problems that can never be resolved, never. The passing of time may ease your discomfort, but any facts, or supposed facts, only make the situation worse.

Everyone needs their private self... private from everyone... most people want that private space, the private self where not so socially accepted stuff goes on!

I think at this time you want to up your sexuality a couple of notches... where you are now may be a little too passive. You'll feel better about yourself, too. I'm not talking about faking anything; I'm talking about plugging into some of your primal emotions. :)

Best wishes,

He was an idiot to TELL you about it, but pretty much everyone fantasizes about others occasionally.

Let it go.

Yeah... I agree... fugedaboutit... most people do it and its not unlike dreams. Thinking about someone briefly does not equal any desire to pursue them. And the fact he mentioned she looked cheap (looked like a hooker) speaks volumes. He should not have mentioned it.

I don't care if my wife is thinking about the ripped guy at the gym from the previous morning... if she's with me, looking me in the eyes, driving me over the top, its fine.

Now... why he told you about the girl... just not sure about that. My cousin talks to his wife all the time about their "list"... whod theyd jump into bed with in a moments notice... but really... how did this topic come up?

I asked him because a couple of weeks ago, Because he was looking at me really intensely (during sex) then he shook his head like he wanted to get an image out of his mind. I asked him about it later, and he said he was just feeling really into the moment, which of course did not jive with what I noticed. I almost thought at the time he was thinking something horrible, and was trying not to!

Then I started thinking... maybe he was not thinking about me, so I asked him if he ever thought about anyone else... he said no at first, then out of the blue a couple days ago while we were being intimate he tells me. Of course I couldn't sleep the rest of the night :( and now its all I worry about. I am sure he doesn't even realize its impact on me.

I think maybe what I noticed was him "trying" not to picture it, but when he confessed to me he said he has thought about it a couple of times while being with me, and then when he went into more details I got a little worried. I mean its not like its someone he can't actually sleep with like Pam Anderson or on some fantasy list (he mentioned Sandra Bullock as being on his "list" once! ) lol

****And the fact he mentioned she looked cheap (looked like a hooker) speaks volumes. He should not have mentioned it.*****


Actually he said that I said she looked like a hooker when I met her at this party. I don't remember meeting her, which is typical of me - I miss the ones I should be paying attention to apparently. Although, he did not deny that she looked like a hooker :D

I would be very hurt to find out my partner was thinking of me as someone else. If he was just thinking of a porno he's watched or a scenario in his head and still acknowledging me as his sex partner NOT envisioning me as someone else I wouldn't mind so much. Still I don't want to know he can keep that to himself. I have never fantasised about someone I know while with my partner, or even when without him I think I would feel guilty! But everyone's minds work differently sexually, & mine doesn't work like that!

I would be very hurt to find out my partner was thinking of me as someone else. If he was just thinking of a porno hes watched or a scenario in his head and still acknowledging me as his sex partner NOT envisioning me as someone else I wouldnt mind so much. Still I dont want to know he can keep that to himself. I have never fantasised about someone I know while with my partner, or even when without him I think I would feel guilty! But everyones minds work differently sexually, & mine doesnt work like that!


That is why I am upset :(

This is a really hard situation! I know exactly how I would feel if I was told this (and would be appreciative of a white lie should I happen to ask) The way you are feeling probably won't go away until you give it time, but let him know how it has made you feel and hopefully he will get a clue and do something to reassure you that you are his special one and only and he desires not to chase this - or any other - woman.

I think this is very normal. I think he told you because he feels he can be honest with you but was probably really afraid to admit it at first. Sounds like this chic put the goods on display. Well... those images don't really leave their minds right away and many men have many, many sexual images just stored in that mind of theirs. Believe me, it's not only your man.

Would it make you feel better to confirm that it's only a passing thought, a visual - not something he would actually act on? I think that's an important distinguishing point here. Other than that, if it's only a fantasy - do let it go. It sucks, but you can't change what pops in their heads.

Maybe some spicy time with fun clothes (or lack there of), even roles... between the two of you would shift the mindset. :p

Thank you hannah-nicole

I am afraid its not just a passing thought. I think If I said... Ok go do it he would.

Then either you work it out with him by COMMUNICATING how you feel to him, and getting him to talk with you

OR

You give up on this relationship entirely because you can't trust him.

Honey--you HAVE to let this go, or it will destroy your relationship. Talk to him about it, tell him how you feel, and then LET IT GO.

Your own self-doubts will kill EVERYTHING about the relationship if you don't.

Then either you work it out with him by COMMUNICATING how you feel to him, and getting him to talk with you

OR

You give up on this relationship entirely because you can't trust him.

Honey--you HAVE to let this go, or it will destroy your relationship. Talk to him about it, tell him how you feel, and then LET IT GO.

Your own self-doubts will kill EVERYTHING about the relationship if you don't.


This is totally right, I completely agree. You have to realize that you can't approach something like this with the fear of what if you said ' go do it '. Why would you possibly say that? Just to see his reaction or? That would be incredibly detrimental to your relationship and would pretty much say to him that you don't really care.

Yes, you have to communicate with him - WITH HIM, not AT him - or if you can't and it's just burning inside you and in your head (I do know how that feels) you are going to strangle your relationship. Or.. Let It Go.. no matter how hard. Perhaps communicate then let it go. If it's going to be a creeper point though that you just cannot drop and keep bringing up it's going to ruin what you have.

Me and my wife are able to joke about who we would do if we weren't married. My list is a quite a bit longer than hers however.

Some couples are secure enough to joke about it while others aren't.

Syn is spot on in her post.

Yes, he's an idiot for telling you her image was in his head. Open communication doesn't mean you say every dumb thing that comes to your mind.

But really... you are losing sleep and worried like mad because of this?

Different people have different levels of security concerning a mates attraction to another person... but you either need to shake this off or talk it out hard... because what you cannot do is sit and stew and fret and choose to stay but still punish him.

There's points in most relationships where you must accept places where you aren't overlapping... and that means don't torture yourself or him any more, if you stay.

So time to step up and really talk this out... and then let go one way or the other. If you no longer can be with him, its your call. If you think you'll never be able to trust him, its your decision. And he also should understand where you are. He should get to choose to leave or to be with someone who doesn't trust him.

You've had answers here... now its time to find out from him and from yourself.

THanks for the answers.

I guess I am having trouble leaving. Two failed marriages does that to someone. I love him but I get the vibe its not reciprocated. I don't know why I need absolution, I just wanted to know I was not jumping the gun.

My question to you would be what is that is going on with relationship that this is giving you such an uneasy feeling. Are you not feeling loved, appreciated, valued, cherished enough? Are you not getting all you need / want in the passion dept from him? Then that is what needs to be addressed.

As to this woman he lusts after, is she someone that he would run into often? At a minimum, you two need to reach an agreement that he stays away from her. His having a "friendship" with someone he admits he's that sexually attracted to & that dresses like a hooker is just asking for trouble.

Good Luck!

I got to say I disagree with some of the replies here, on this... its not normal to think of someone else while you are making love to your partner! How could someone say they love you and make love to you, only to think of someone else while they are making love to you? That's not commitment, that's not love, trust, respect, or monogamy! Remember the bible says if you think of someone in a sexual way, you already had sex with them. Not trying to get all religious on you here, but its true. If my partner says she was thinking of someone else while she made love to me, I would assume she didn't love me. If you are with someone and truly love them, then that person would be all you would need to think about, they would be the only thing that SHOULD make you happy. If you are thinking of someone else, then you aren't happy and you need to move on from that relationship.

OH boy.

I'd better leave my husband of 7 years, the one that I've been with for 12 years, because we occasionally do kinky stuff that involves one of the other of us being someone else. For example---I think Jack Sparrow is HAWT. So I pretended that's who he was one night. It was a ton of fun--and not just sexually. It was silly and intense and fun and whatever. I liked it.

I've been Lara Croft for him before, too.

People who aren't dead think of people other than their partner occasionally. It has nothing to do with love--it has to do with being human.

So... Chrissy, you're either very young, or very naïve, because there's no WAY that the only thing you're EVER thinking about in bed is your partner. If you're thinking about the dishes or the kids or the bathroom or the laundry--that's JUST as bad as imagining he's Mr. Clean. And I bet you've had it happen before, because I've never met anyone, EVER, that has a healthy sex life that hasn't had their mind wander in bed before.

remember the bible says if you think of someone in a sexual way, you already had sex with them. Not trying to get all religious on you here, but its true.

Oh dear...

Re posting this because some of my original message got cut off: I'm 30, not young. & it happened to me in my previous marriage, which is exactly why he is an ex lol. I had to think of a female to even get through it. My relationship now... no its never happened, because I truly love her. Now as for the role play thing, I think that's fine but not on the sly. Letting each other know what's in your mind and not hiding it is the key. Hiding things causes distrust and causes one to lose respect for the other.

So you're saying that the boyfriend of the OP was in the right, because he brought it out into the open and didn't keep it sly?

CHOUX: I wasn't wishful thinking, its my opinion based on my own experiences, plus what I feel, isn't that what this board is for?: shared opinions (different and indifferent) and shared experiences, whether negative or positive? And full grown adults able to talk about these things in respect, without jumping down each others throats, because their opinion is different than yours?

So you're saying that the boyfriend of the OP was in the right, because he brought it out into the open and didn't keep it sly?
That's my opinion, yes, because honesty is best in any relationship. Just the same is I feel its best that if something sexual happens with someone, while you are in a relationship with someone else, its best to tell the person you are with about it, not try to hide it, most people get caught anyway, but the point is it builds trust to be honest. My mama raised me to be honest, I can't help it :-) whatever happens will work out for the best anyway, because what's meant to be will just happen that way. Just my opinion.

Chrissy I agree this board is for differeing opinions and your opinion on this is a very valid opinion and shared by others. Your argument of having thoughts of someone sexually is the same sin as having sex with them is what I find offensive. I learned that thoughts are neutral and benign. It is how we act upon those thoughts that we are judged. So, I think people are more reacting to your argument.

To sum, I find your argument somewhat offensive but think you have a valid opinion and thanks for adding to the thread. The more input the better.

CHOUX: i wasnt wishful thinking, its my opinion based on my own experiences, plus what i feel, isnt that what this board is for?: shared opinions (different and indifferent) and shared experiences, whether negative or positive? and full grown adults able to talk about these things in respect, without jumping down each others throats, because their opinion is different than yours?
This is getting off topic and likely bordering on mods wiping out irrelevant posts if it keeps up.

Crissy, you fired first when you started rating people with disagrees. Please don't give moral lessons about respecting other opinions when you are tossing "reddies" around. Once you start a rating "war" it can be tough to stop it. You are a newer member. Your perspective is welcomed.

Try to reserve disagrees for factually incorrect posts or really bad advice. If you take exception to something, better to talk it out on the boards or in PM's. Not saying I don't use disagrees for posts that I think are terrible, but I do it knowing members will respond more passionately.

As for staying on topic, my experience is telling your partner every dumb thing that goes through your head is not particularly good. My wife and I both have some "filters" we use when talking and communicating... sometimes saying nothing is absolutely appropriate.

Seems to have worked for us for ten great years at least. To each their own.

It can be a lot of fun & a perfectly good way to "spice things up" to enjoy role playing with your partner. Not only do they get to experience a "different person" but the other gets to be a "different person", while honoring their monogamy with each other.

Having sex & making love are 2 distinct things. Some very long term couples never progress to making love, but may have great sex.

If you are having sex with a regular partner, & are thinking of someone else, then you are more likely to be just having sex.

Good sex is very physical. Fantastic love making is very physical, plus also very mental & emotionally connected to who you are with. Which is why good couples enjoy even better sex & love making the longer they are together. They are both bringing so much more to the table & there is so much more "us" to enjoy the sexual merging.

If the couple is capapble of progressing to making love at all, then the same session may start being sex but transcend only the physical to making love wholeheartedly (& of course your entire body) with each other. At that level, there is no room for anyone else. The "us" that you become making love with each other doesn't need or want anyone else for it to be extremely fulfilling & all it needs to be. It will not just satisfy the phyical need for sex, but the love related emotional needs for ourself & our partner on more than just a physical plane. It is an extremely intimate place that bares not just our bodies but our souls entirely which is where the best orgasms & couple connection takes place.

It is soul mate union at it's best, which is a lovely two person participant deal & more than challenging enough for most couples. The polyamorous strive to include more than one other person in that process, some successfully. But even then it would have to be the ones actually present, not someone inattainable (such as a celebrity) or someone else which is personally known & lusted after.

To fondle one body while thinking of another works for purely sexual play for some, but to make love to someone you have to be attentive & receptive to only them in order to physically please & be pleased by that person & that person alone.

Stray thoughts of someone else is one thing, to constantly think of someone else during sex, to let them become an imaginary perfect lover is unfair to both playing & will eventually erode the quality of even the sex not to mention the relationship.

If you can't appreciate the person you are actually with so you pay significant attention to their desires / wants at that moment, while being naked & sexual while disregarding their efforts to be sexually pleasing to you because you are being distracted by the perfect imaginary lover, there is a certain amt of disconnect that cannot be overcome. So the shift from just sex to making love will not happen most likely. Because in essence one person is masturbating with another person, defeating the bonding qualities that making love offers besides just the physical release. It still can be good sex but to be really great requires a deeper & better connection with the person you are with that is more than just a physical one. It requires appreciating & honoring THAT person & your feelings for each other, which will not happen fully if one is instead lusting after someone else they wish was there instead. Especially if that lust is nurtured repeatedly instead of the partner that is there trying to love & be loved, the disconnect will stay in place instead of the opportunity for bonding on all the levels love making offers happening, which is way more than just the number & intensity of the orgasms that took place.

And that may be at least partly because even if good sex took place the imaginary lover gets the credit, not the real lover that was there. The imaginary lover is thought to be the one to make the play fun, & the real partner's contribution to that ignored, disregarded, unacknowledged & certainly not loved or honored. They are just a masturbatory convenience especially if that lust for someone else is taken too far for too long in such private, intimate times.

There may be exceptions to that as there is for anything else.

Yep! I agree with BetrayalBtCamp too. This is a great analysis and fits my own experiences. Couldn't give BBC a rating because I have to spread the reputation.

Wow. OK, well... I got out of a bad marriage and am now in a happy and great relationship. I know that sex with my ex-husband was not very good and it was both of our faults... He just made me feel so bad about myself that I had no confidence. The only reason I mention any of this is that he would bring other girls up often. I don't know, other than what you have said, how your relationship is... which I think is MORE important than what he said. If you are not happy or he is not happy, I think you have a reason to worry. If you both are really happy together, I wouldn't worry too much about it. It might even be fun to dress up like a prostitute for him so that he can see that side of you. I think it is completely normal for us to look around and maybe fantisize about other people and the fact he told you is, I think, saying something for him. He didn't try to deny or hide it which is worse. I wouldn't push it too much just take time and take stock in your relationship and see if you are both happy with it and with your sex life. Trust me, knowing who this girl is and obsessing about that will do nothing but drive you crazy and probably for no reason. If you take stock and decide you are both happy... I wouldn't worry about it anymore. If not, maybe spice it up or go to counseling... there has to be effort from both sides though, you can't do it all alone. Good luck with this though...

I agree that now would be a good time to talk to him & take stock of where the relationship is & what you both want from it, but I think all couples should do that regularly (at least once a yr) in a loving way.

As F said, obsessing about it won't help & can create problems. And as F said, maybe some counseling to see what his fascination with her is would be good as long as you get a counselor that can appropriately address the issue. If the relationship is a happy one, it may not be a large disconnect & just spicing things up in & out of the bedroom will put the focus back on just you two where it belongs.

Couples & people do get into ruts & it's good to try something new together. If you guys are active all the time, take some time to just relax & just cuddle. If you two mostly hang out around the house, go out & go somewhere you haven't been yet even if just a beach or park with a romantic picnic.

Confronting him is a bad idea, that will just likely get you an angry & defensive reaction but why he feels the need to be thinking of someone else like that should be appropriately addressed when you are both relaxed, feeling close to each other & it's a discussion, not an interrogation.