Hi All,

I've been a reader of this forum for a few months now, and while I haven't posted or answered anything (until now), I've found this community to be down to earth. I'm facing a relationship situation right now and I'm not sure how to handle it. I'm just going to throw it out there to get opinions -- whether they're the answers I'm hoping for or not. I realize I'm the only one in my shoes, so the opinions you gave are just that.

Quick background: I'm a 33 year old professional male, decent looks, educated, employed, make good money, am laid back, etc.etc.. About 8 months ago I got out of a relationship with a woman I'd spent 4 years with and thought I'd wanted to marry. The breakup was not my choice at the time -- so yeah, I was dumped. Turns out when I started dissecting things post-breakup, I realized what a nasty person she was and how miserable she had made my life. I revolved my life around her so much that I just didn't see the real person she was. I took a few months to collect myself, new hobbies, lose weight, etc. I'll also admit that I started seeing a good therapist that has helped me tremendously, and helped me realize some of the mistakes I made.

Current situation: I've met a stunningly beautiful 27 yr old woman I met through a work colleague. Early on, we both "agreed" that we weren't looking for relationships and that we'd just take it slow. We click really well, conversation is easy, and (after managing to wait a month or two), the sex is nothing short of incredible. We increase the frequency of our dates, and agree to be sexually exclusive.

Now the conundrum: We act like a couple. We go on dates. We hold hands, spend the night, snuggle, lots of sex, pet names, constantly texting and emailing, give the miss yous, etc.. Not to the point of getting overly sappy, but you get the idea. She's admitted to me that sometimes she backs off, though, cause she's concerned about getting into a relationship. I sense that sometimes, but I try to ignore it. (Probably not a good idea on my part)

She frequently goes to concerts and events with her girlfriends, usually on weekends where I'm not invited. She claims that she had these planned before she knew me, so I can't get mad at her for having a life. To top it all off, she's told me about some drug problems in her past, but that she's worked through them. At this time, I see no signs of her using, at least not when we're together. She is taking steps to improve herself - better job, college classes, exercise, etc, so this is a good sign. I've lost so many good people over the years to drugs -- and I swore I'd never deal with it again -- but here I am. I'm trying to be non-judgemental, so I accepted her past and gave her the benefit of the doubt. Through all this, we continue to date... and it feels good when we're together. She continues to go on her weekend adventures now and then. I casually mention about me joining, and I get the "well.. it's just my girlfriends, so... it'd be weird for you." Hmmmmm...

She's at an all weekend event with a couple girlfriends, where I know there will be a lot of partying. I got the standard "I'd invite you, but.. it's just my girlfriends.. line" She called me one morning, and she was talking about being drunk and someone doing drugs (her drug, of course). My response was less the accepting, and she sensed that. She accused me of trying to control her and it pissed her off. She said she knew I'd been cheated on in the past (in a similar fashion to boot!), but that I was just going to have to trust her. If she really cared, don't you think she'd try to settle my nerves or something? Anything?

I tend to not be a trusting person, but I'm really, really, really trying to work on it. I know this has been a long ramble, and I've already deleted a bunch of details to keep it shorter. But... am I just wasting my time here? Every relationship I've been in during the past has started quickly. Date a couple weeks and BAM, we're in a relationship. This woman has shown lots of signs of starting to let me into her life. I'm willing to start slow and let things grow, but... is she just a party girl who likes a guy waiting for her back home?


I'm really trying to be more trusting, as I don't want the demons from my past to screw up my future. However, on the flip side, when does being overly trusting lead a person to becoming a used schmuck? I'm willing to take it slow, but her behavior doesn't sound indicative of someone who is emotionally available. She admitted to me that she had some very controlling boyfriends in the past, and that she wants no part of that now. I can understand that, and in no way do I want to be controlling. I just don't know how to handle this. On one part I want to give this a shot, but feel that if I convey to her 1) my feelings 2) my hurt at not including me 3) my problems with the possible drug use, she'll see me as trying to control her and move on. On the flip side, I can't continue being the "boy-toy" forever...

Sigh...

Thoughts? Boy, after re-reading this I guess I already know my answer. ;-) I just don't want to keep beating myself up over this...

Thanks.

First off, as long as she still says she doesn't want in a relationship no matter how much it feels like a relationship, looks like a relationship, acts like a relationship you can not treat it like a relationship so even if she were spending the weekend with another guy there ain't nothing you can do about it. Even if she didn't have these parties preplanned it is her style and if you can't accept it and you sure can't change it then I think maybe you should cut your loses and get out before you get any more attached and she ain't going for it.

I got news for you fellow, this is a relationship, just because the sex is exclusive. Your also letting your feelings get in the way, because of your past, and you want more. When you get to the point you must acknowledge those feelings, then you must also make a decision,
1) Run the risk of changing the circumstances to include more than just dating, and sex. (future together, which doesn't sound likely)
2) Accepting things as they are, and forget going to the next level.

Just me, I communicate my honest feelings, and see if there is a future together, and if not, consider moving on.

Quite honestly, this is more a friends with benefits type thing, and as with most relationships of this type, one partner has deeper feelings than the other, and that's where the chaos, confusion, and hurt, starts at.

It takes two partners to agree to define the boundaries of a relationship, and if its to change, the two need to agree.

If its more than sex your looking for, then you need to express that, and either be prepared to end this, for lack of a future, or redefine the boundaries. I make no reference to the personal issues of either of you, as the only thing relevant is, if you know each other well enough to communicate, and care enough to compromise, and grow.

The "no relationship" agreement is her "Get Out Of Jail Free" card. Even though in all the important ways you two are acting like a couple, she keeps the officialness out of it and gets to do anything she wants.

That's fine. It really is. There is nothing wrong with you just enjoying your relationship as it IS, without all the added titles and such.

And besides, you WANT a girlfriend/wife who has friends and activities and fun outside of you, don't you? Don't you?

All that really matters in a relationship is how you're actually treated by your girl. And this is important... I DON'T mean how she responds to your insecurities. Those are your problem, not hers. I mean how she REALLY treats you and makes you feel in REAL ways.

You are quite capable of being needy and controlling and insecure and go complaining to her about things you want her to change... and she is perfectly fine to ignore all that and just live her life, be herself, and care about you at the same time in her own way. In fact, that may be exactly what you need right now.