Hi, I am new to this site! However, feel I need some advice from an expert or anyone else willing to help!
My fiancée and I have said no to friends children at our wedding. Apart from family and newborns. I told my best friend (who agreed to be bridesmaid) extremely politely that we do not want friends children at our wedding next year, at first she said she could understand it, but as soon as she realised I was referring also to her, she wasn't happy at all. In the end I got quite angry, and pointed out if I eliminate other friends children apart from hers, I would upset other friends also. She has a 6 year old and a 1 year old. They aren't bad kids, but this isn't the point. We don't want our wedding to be a nursery, as with friends children there will be 15 there. I have a niece (who is flowergirl) and nephew only. Both my sisters are bridesmaids. Newborns are welcome as they need feeding, as long as they take any crying babies outside. When I told my friend, I was shocked at her reaction as this is my day, and I thought she would understand, but she just said she thought her son was special. Maybe so, but not the point. She is now not speaking to me. She said I was rude and nasty (even though I asked her to be bridesmaid... ) she won't be bridesmaid unless her son is there. Does anyone think I should still invite her to the whole day instead, risking she'll let me down still? Because I'm not sure I know her now! We've been friends since 11 and am very disappointed. It seems everyone else is co-operating. She said she wants her son to see her as bridesmaid. He is obviously still very young, and I thought it was my day? (I did a speech at her wedding... I wasn't comfortable with it, but it was her day). Surely this is a small sacrifice for one day? Her parents are ALWAYS to hand to look after them, and live locally. Advice would be appreciated please! Thank you.

I agree with you, I wouldn't want anything to be interrupted during the ceremony or whatever, but also, it should be a family thing, where your family and your friends family all gets together to celebrate. As far as your friend goes, I think she's being a little selfish, and she should respect your wishes. I would still send her an invite just because you have been friends for so long... but don't let her not showing up (if she chooses not to) to ruin your day!

Hi, thank you very much for replying, I really appreciate it. To be honest, I agree with you also... at times like this you realise who your true friends are! I take your advice on board

I am totally with you on this one, it's your day and your rules, not hers!

Tell her she can either come without her son, as your bridesmaid, or she can poke off, sulk, and regret it for the rest of her life!

Man, people like this really annoy me! Ha ha!

Or you could perhaps have someone to record the wedding (just a suggestion) then your friend comes without her son, but her son will still be able to see his mother as bridesmaid, but not 'live'. It may also serve as a 'souvenir' video.

Unless I am doing the wedding, no I will not attend weddings if my children are not invited, I believe weddings are important family events.

Also if you are doing "NO Children" it should be all, family and guests. And a babysitter should be provided for them at the church or place of the wedding.

Glad you liked my idea spicey! Anyway, I never really enjoyed weddings as a child... It seems boring... I remember, I was playing with friends during the celebration, well, not in the church, but in its backyard where we could annoy nobody while enjoying ourselves. Of course, there was someone looking after us.

I agree with Fr_Chuck. If I am invited, but my children are not, I will choose not to attend. A weddding is the birth of a new family and children are an important part of my family. I believe it is also rude to allow some and not others - it sets up a pecking order within your family of who is chosen and who is not.

I was struck that you mentioned "my day" twice in your post. Are you marrying yourself? Shouldn't it be "our day?" I find so many brides today think it is all about them and forget that other people put a lot of time and effort into other people's weddings.

If you don't want kids underfoot then plan ahead. I would have an area set aside for the "kid zone" which had a TV, game system and toys. I would make sure it was well stocked with kid friendly food and a toilet nearby. Pay someone responsible to watch the kids under 10 and have the oldest teen keep an eye on the others. The kids don't want to hang around a bunch of grownups, either - but no one likes to be told they aren't welcome.

Comments on this post

spicey (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/spicey.html) disagrees: I was actually asking whether I should invite justher to the whole thing,rather than her son coming after all this.as for the my day bit,I meant that towards her, meaning as my day & not 'her' day.in other words,its not for her to dictate rules to me.

First, may I call your attention to the guidelines for using the comments feature found here:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/feedback/using-comments-feature-24951.html

Since any answer to your question involves opinion, it is not appropriate to use a negative comment. You are free to disagree by adding your own post.

Now, my take in this is I would be just as insulted as your friend. You seem to be using a double standard here. Its OK for kids if they are part of the family/bridal party or breastfeeding, but if they are just the offspring of friends you don't want them. That is very rude In my opinion.

On the other hand, it is your party and your rules, so your friend should simply decline to attend, which is what I would have done.

How would you feel if you was invited to your friend wedding, but not your kids? Then you realize other kids will be there? If your been friends for 11 years your must have a good friendship, right? Then your big day comes around and her kids are not invited. I would feel insulted as if you dislike them or you feel their bad or something and you stated that's not the case.

I would not come and would take a good like at our friendship. This may put a strain on it but I would distance myself from you for a well but still I would wish you the best.

I have already told her my niece and nephew will be there and explained everything politely. She doesn't like it because her son won't be the centre of attention and because I have a close family, who are just as special, if not more than she is... she has close family as well (probably too close). Its not all about her, I have other friends who are very understanding. Also, if it was me I would definitely respect ones wishes just as I have explained I have done in the past, and go out of my way to get a babysitter. Its obviously all about her son seeing her, and not seeing us. He won't understand what is going on anyway!

You asked her to be a bridesmaid and she agreed. Either you want to have her as your bridesmaid and accept one more kid or you don't. You could just as well include bridal party's children since you already have made some exceptions. Have you considered hiring a babysitter and using a nursery room?
I think your friend has as much right to be upset as you have a right to choose your cut off point on kids. I could see if you said absolutely NO kids and she was upset but she did think she was 'special' since you wanted her in the bridal party.

Yes, the issue is you are allowing some kids, and a bridesmaid would be considered more special at least to me than some family member you may or may not even like. It is your choice, but I can see this ruining the friendship for years to come if not forever.

I think you are missing part of our point here. You are so wrapped up in this being YOUR day and wanting things the way you want them (not necessarily a bad thing), that you are not looking at things only from your angle, not hers.

She is looking at things like, you are allowing some kids, and since you want me to be a bridesmaid, I thought I was a special part of the day so I'm kind of put out that you don't want my kids.

As I said, I understand her feelings, I understand yours. I think she has a better case though.

I think last year when you told her no friends kids are allowed at your wedding you should have made it clear that you was referring to her as well so there would not be any misuderstanding. I would have thought you was not referring to my kids too since I was in the wedding. Exactly when did she realize her kids could not come? Both are at fault here for not being clear and I think your both assumed that your understood each other when your didn't. I think you should have made your policy more clearer to her since it your rules and made sure she understood her kids were ununvited as well, since you knew she had two. That's probably why she's more upset as well.

I would like to point out here there is no way I am wrapped up at all, in MY big day... correction, OUR day i.e. me and my fiancées I don't see anyone else paying for it, after all! (there is obviously a stereotype associated with brides! Not me I'm afraid!). I also discussed things with her quite openly, as I already mentioned about the fact that we would prefer not to have friends children, close family only. However, what I DO think is rude is expecting me to eliminate all our other friends children, and get them to find babysitters except for her own, as like I said, when I mentioned it to her politely, she was understanding about it at first, but then realised when I meant hers also, she was shocked and didn't like it at all. THAT to me, is rude and extremely self centred. She reckons I shouldn't care what other people think, even though my other friends kids are just as special. Her son is special to her, but my niece and nephew are important and take priority now. One which is a flowergirl anyway, the other? No family members to look after him, since they will all be there! Sorry if people disagree, but you have to draw the line and have a cut off point somewhere! After all, how would she feel if she turned up and there were other friends kids everywhere apart from hers? At least I've had the courtesy to lay my cards on the table first! (oh no, I forgot I'm the rude one apparently, aren't I?)!

Well it sounds like you have decided you do not want to also include the bridal party as a cut off and as you point out that is your purgative.
I still think that initially she had figured you meant guests kids and not bridal party's kids since you were inviting some and she may not have realized your cut off did not include bridal party included.

Yes, it appears you have made up your mind, but to be honest it appears almost all of the people hear sort of side with the bridesmaid, and believe me, I am almost always the lone person on the children at wedding questions.

The issue we are seeing is that the bridesmaid is normally the most important other person at the wedding other than the bride and groom, in most peoples opinioni, they are considered extra special, and as such, if close family is allowed kids, the bridesmade would consider thierself much closer as bridesmaid as any family member.

You just do see it that way, so you may have to merely pick a new bridesmaid, perhaps one without children. But believe me, after others come and see some kids there and they were told not to bring thiers, you will get even more complaints latter.

Also don't be surprised if some people don't come beccuase of this,

Surely your missing the point of it all... IT'S A WEDDING

People come together to rejoice at the union between two people, witnessed by EVERYONE, who has been close to them through out their lives, giving, loving, supporting listening etc etc... what ever it may be... all together on this joyous occasion to bare witness in the eyes of GOD.

Do you honestly think whilst your in Gods house that it will matter whether a child gets out of his/her seat or a baby crys.

This is what life is all about family togetherness.

Yes it's your special day, I understand that, but by discounting children ( with exeptions) do you truthfully think it will be any better... children can sometimes make an occasion, with their laughter and can also end difficult moments with just one smile... in the best of weddings there is always a few.

The cost can be sorted out by cutting back on other things, and I'm sure if necessary others will help.
It doesn't have to be a push the boat out affair, the result at the end of the day will be the same, difference being... EVERYONE WILL HAVE BEEN INCLUDED.
More importantly your friends will still be there for you...

Weddings are very expensive these days. It is totally understandable that you would not want children there. But just like you have the right to invite whomever you want, they have the right to attend or not.

When you mail out your invitations be very clear how they are addressed to. If it is just the parents then the outer envelope should be addressed to "Mr & Mrs. Joe Smith". The inner envelope should say "Mary & Joe". If the whole family is invited address it to "The Joe Smith Family" then inside "Mary, Joe, Susie & Joe Jr."

As for your friend... invite her. Let her make the choice.

Weddings are very expensive these days. It is totally understandable that you would not want children there. But just like you have the right to invite whomever you want, they have the right to attend or not.

When you mail out your invitations be very clear how they are addressed to. If it is just the parents then the outer envelope should be addressed to "Mr & Mrs. Joe Smith". The inner envelope should say "Mary & Joe". If the whole family is invited address it to "The Joe Smith Family" then inside "Mary, Joe, Susie & Joe Jr."

As for your friend... invite her. Let her make the choice.


Not sure what you are advising since these aren't the issues.
She already is making it clear in the invitations NO children
As for her friend... what good would an invitation do when she already can't be IN the wedding since she can't bring her child so I would think an invitation would be adding insult to injury.

By sending an invitation you are reiterating that you still want the person there.

The friend in question is one of the bridesmaide, so yes she is invite, her kids are not. This made the friend angry because she did not realize children invited including her. Everyone else understood and accepting this policy. This is what the op is saying.

The friend in question is one of the bridesmaide, so yes she is invite, her kids are not. This made the friend angry because she did not realize children invited including her. Everyone else understood and accepting this policy. This is what the op is saying.

BUT jj's point is that the Bride should now re-invite the bridesmaid in question as a guest to show she is still invited. But I think that would be an insult and a slap in the face to be officially demoted in that way.

Here's what I would do.

I would say "Suzie, I'm sorry you misunderstood me. I thought when I told you way back when that the ONLY kids that would be at my wedding were those of close family and newborns. While I care for you a lot, and we've been friends for a long time, I thought you understood that your children did not fall into those categories.

I will understand if you choose not to be a bridesmaid because of this misunderstanding. You would, of course, still be welcome at the wedding--though I am adamant that no children other than close family be there, so your children will NOT be invited. Of course, I'll be sad if you choose to decline being a bridesmaid, and even sadder if you are not at our special event--but I'll understand.

I just thought that YOU would understand my stance on this, especially since you SAID you understood, when I first brought it up.

Please let me know by [insert date] whether you would still like to stand for me as my bridesmaid, as I would need to make adjustments to the wedding program and such if you choose not to share our special day."

Essentially, it's going to come down to either inviting her kids, and having everyone ELSE ticked off at you, or losing your friend.

The compromise I always throw out there (and I was a bride that did not want kids, either) is to have kids at the ceremony, but not the reception. Most churches have an area where small children can watch the ceremony without interrupting it. THEN--make sure you have a sitter in the same building as the reception (this works very well if you are doing your reception at a hotel) where ALL children are regulated, with a babysitter that YOU pay for.

Thank you all for your tips and advice. Its very helpful and I will definitely take them on board... wish me luck! Thanks again!

Ok! Good Luck! You're welcomed!