Okay so,
I'm 11 years old. Yeah, I'm dating someone that's 16. My parents are fine with it. No he doesn't use me for sex, he's never even talked about it. We don't even make out. Just small kisses. And I find it okay. Its not sick. Because 11 year olds aren't completely clueless about stuff like this. Because love is something that can't be stopped from happening. Anyway, this guy is such a good guy to me, and I'm in 6th grade. What is love? I don't think anyone completely knows. So don't bring down the smaller ones. I mean, my question is: What's your guy's opinion on me dating him?

I don't thing there's any problem with it so long as you are not hiding it from your parents. When I was 17, I dated a girl that was 13. I used to get a lot of flack for it. That relationship never worked out, but it was also never harmful to anyone. Just be responsible, be safe, and remember that you have a while yet before you are going to be certain what you want to do with your life. Also, have fun.

Big difference between 13 and 11. I'm sorry but I do find a 16 year old that can only relate to an 11 year old. Why can he only relate to you? I'm not trying to indult you. You are probably a very smart and mature girl. But "teen love relationships lead to sexual activity in one variety or another. Your relationship in most areas if not all to be illegal.

You are too young for all this. Enjoy life, go out and play, get a barbie doll. Be 11

Frankly, I think you are too young to date. An 11 year old girl is still very much a child and is not really emotionally ready for a romantic relationship.

I think kids today have grown up on movies and television and books that glorify the relationship between the sexes and make it something that everyone should strive for. So kids want to be grwonup and try to emulate what they see in the media. They do this WAY before they are ready to.

I'm not trying to put you down, but you and a 16 yr old are from vastly different developmental phases. In three years he will be working or going to college and you will just be finishing middle school. The gap will widen then.

Hopwever, if your parents are aware of the relationship and you do not engage in sexual activity, its not a horrible bad situation, but I can't see it being a long term one.

big difference between 13 and 11. im sorry but i do find a 16 year old that can only relate to an 11 year old. why can he only relate to you? i'm not trying to indult you. you are probably a very smart and mature girl. but "teen love relationships lead to sexual activity in one variety or another. your relationship in most areas if not all to be illegal.

you are too young for all this. enjoy life, go out and play, get a barbie doll. be 11

I disagree. First, there really isn't much maturity difference between most 11 year olds and most 13 year olds. Furthermore, I don't think there is much of a maturity difference between a 13 year old and a 17 year old. Most of a person's maturing occurs in the time after they finish high school. This is why the majority of relationships during secondary education do not last. Most of what people perceive as growth in maturity is just growth in knowledge. Maturity must be gained through raw life experience.

Second, there was no sexual activity in the 5 years (admittedly off and on) that I dated the girl who was 13 when we met.

She may very well be enjoying this relationship. Telling her to go out and get a Barbie doll is really just condescending. I think what is important here is her safety, which I believe is addressed by having her parents involved.

I disagree. First, there really isn't much maturity difference between most 11 year olds and most 13 year olds. Furthermore, I don't think there is much of a maturity difference between a 13 year old and a 17 year old. Most of a person's maturing occurs in the time period after they finish high school. This is why the majority of relationships during secondary education do not last. Most of what people perceive as growth in maturity is just growth in knowledge. Maturity must be gained through raw life experience.

I strongly disagree with this. The maturity (call it knowledge if you will) levels are very different during adolesence. This is why you rarely groups hanging together much beyond their school grades. All too often younger kids are trying to emulate the older kids and the older kids dislike it. Even a couiple of years difference can be a wide gulf. Three-four years is often a chasm.

That's not the say there aren't exceptions, but they are rare.


Second, there was no sexual activity in the 5 years (admittedly off and on) that I dated the girl who was 13 when we met.

She may very well be enjoying this relationship. Telling her to go out and get a Barbie doll is really just condescending. I think what is important here is her safety, which I believe is addressed by having her parents involved.

This I do agree with for the most part. I still believe that an 11 yr old girl is too young for a romantic relationship. But safety is the important thing and with her parents involved that safety level is enhanced.

That's not the say there aren't exceptions, but they are rare.

Maybe this is that exception. It's hard to say without knowing all the people involved.

Maybe this is that exception. It's hard to say without knowing all the people involved.

This is very true. Therefore we have to play the percentages here. And I, for one, am uncomfortable condoning and supporting a 11 yr old dating at all, let alone having a relationship with a 16 yr old.

Wow, I was not allowed to date until I was 16 years old and even then it was supervised and I was in college. I guess time has changed.

I guess the only thing I could say is be careful. You came on here seeking everyone opinon about you dating him, how do you truly feel about it? To answer your question, I will never allow my daughter to date at that age, especially someone his age. That's just my opinon and I agree with Scotgem. What does his family think about it?

To everyone else who disagrees with some people comments, if you reread her post she asked for everyone opinons about her dating this guy. Therefore everyone should post their honest opinon.

Okay so,
I'm 11 years old. Yeah, I'm dating someone thats 16. My parents are fine with it. No he dosent use me for sex, hes never even talked about it. We dont even make out. Just small kisses. And I find it okay. Its not sick. Because 11 year olds aren't completely clueless about stuff like this. Because love is something that can't be stopped from happening. Anyways, this guy is such a good guy to me, and I'm in 6th grade. What is love? I dont think anyone completely knows. So dont bring down the smaller ones. I mean, my question is: Whats your guy's opinion on me dating him?

OF course you are clueless even the 16 year old does not have much of a clue what life and love is about. No 11 year old is old enough to even consider dating and parents who would know about a chlid dating at 11 are poor parents and this is as close to neglect as I can thing of in many ways. I think your parents should be real parents and tell you know, and that a 16 year old needs to stop dating children.

Comments on this post

speed797 (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/speed797.html) disagrees: I strongly disagree with this because you can't determine someone's muturity by their age. Just because you are 17 doesn't mean you are mature. You can be the most immature person in your school and be the oldest one their.

First, may I call your attention to the guidelines for using the comments feature found here:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/feedback/using-comments-feature-24951.html

You are entitled to disagree with me. But not by usiong a negative comment. Those should be reserved where a post was fatucally incorrect.

I agree with you that one cannot tell maturity solely by age. But since the only thing we know about a poster is what they post, we have to make some assumptions. Therefore we have to go by some general standards. And the odds are that the maturity levels would be different.

I am so sick of adults that think teenagers or 11/12 year olds can't date. Most of them don't even date seriously. We see it as... A very good friend, who we're allowed to kiss and cuddle. That's it. No sex, no explicit talking, actions involved WHATSOEVER. I've had many "Girlfriends" and I tell you, the worse I ever did was kiss one of their knees better 'cause she bumped it on the table. It doesn't matter if you were limited to an age required dating when you were a pre-teen/teen. Times change, and, I believe the more freedom a child has, the more they're inclined to obey their parents trust. My parents don't limit me at all, or anything like that. I get straight A's, I'm athletic, no drugs, no alcohol, no smoking, no law breaking, NOTHING.

By the way, I know I'm off topic, I just read all the comments and got angry. =)

I think Burn Zap Freeze makes a good point. I think we are over reacting to the word "date," and assuming it implies sexual activity of some kind.

I also think several people here have been condescending to the OP. Children of 11 and 12 are intellectually mature in many ways. They may not know a lot of things and may not have much life experience, but they are able to think about as well as adults. They should not be talked down to, particularly by strangers who do not know them.

I don't think we have enough information to say one way or the other. Yes, statistically, I'd agree it's probably not a good idea. But people shouldn't make life decisions statistically. We look at individuals.

I was not allow to date until I was 16 and even then my parents went along with us. I think some kids are mature but not all. I used to work an abortion clinic and most of the people that walked in the clinic was preteen to teens. At 11, I' never let child date and now kids are exploring sex beforing the age of 11. Not saying the OP might do but what do you think most 16 years old want. Things aren't how to use to be. I guess if the parents allowed it they see no harm but I won't allow it. I can get what Burn said because I was very mature for my age and graduated from high school at the age of 15 and wanted to date then especially when I went to college. I was the only 15 year old but I had loads of fun and was allowed to only date people my age once I turn 16.

I am so sick of adults that think teenagers or 11/12 year olds can't date. Most of them don't even date seriously. We see it as.... A very good friend, who we're allowed to kiss and cuddle. That's it. No sex, no explicit talking, actions involved WHATSOEVER. I've had many "Girlfriends" and I tell you, the worse I ever did was kiss one of their knees better 'cause she bumped it on the table. It doesn't matter if you were limited to an age required dating when you were a pre-teen/teen. Times change, and, I believe the more freedom a child has, the more they're inclined to obey their parents trust. My parents don't limit me at all, or anything like that. I get straight A's, I'm athletic, no drugs, no alchohol, no smoking, no law breaking, NOTHING.

By the way, I know I'm off topic, I just read all the comments and got angry. =)

See the problem here is you don't view dating in the same way that it was viewed 5, 10 or 30 years ago. What you described is not really dating. For most people dating involves a going someplace with another person so you can be alone and get to know each other. That doesn't sound like what you are talking about. Dating implies a romantic element that younger people are not always prepared to handle.

You sound like the exception rather than the rule. Kids actually want and NEED limits. As they are growing up they need to know where the limits are. They need to know that their parents care for them by setting limits. I don't know how you were brought up and it may be that your parents did let you know what the limits were because you obviously learned them somewhere. But you have limited experience, adults have a much broader experience And know that while there are exceptions there are also generalities. And we have to go with those generalities.

I think we are over reacting to the word "date," and assuming it implies sexual activity of some kind.

I'm not. Dating does not automatically equal sex in my mind. But dating does imply a romantic relationship that younger people are not prepared to understand or handle.

What seems to be happening nowadays is kids want to emulate what they see in the movies and on TV. They see people having these romantic relationships and enjoying them so they wonder why should adults have all the fun. But what happens is they really play at dating. They try to emulate what they see without the background and understanding of it. They jump around "dating" one person for a week or two and it becomes meaningless. Also it ill prepares them for when they get older and dating becomes more meaningful.

Kids are trying to grow up way to fast these days. Yes they do mature intellectually faster then previous generations, but this is not necessarily a good thing. The innoncence of childhood is becoming lost at a younger and younger age and I, for one, don't believe that is a good thing.

I do believe that there is a generational definition gap here. I see young children "dating" all the time at my school. The "dating" involves walking each other to class, sitting together at lunch, waiting for the bus together, texting and IM ing each other. Rarely does it (to this younger generation) mean a romantic dinner alone. Dating might also mean hanging out with friends, playing video games or going to a movie. But the traditional dating term has changed its definition even since I was in school.

That being said, I am glad that your parents are aware of your relationship. I find that those parents that are involved and supervise boy/girl relationships at a young age (yes 11 is young) help to ensure their child's safety and opens doors for communication later on. Being 11 you are in noway ready for sex, but if you want to hang out with this guy, talk to him on the phone, hold hands, then go for it. Just make sure you keep your parents in the loop. They love you, and want to keep you safe.

AS I noted in a post yesterday, first an 11 year old is a child, and too many are trying to be grown up. Next while the 11 year old may have no desire to become sexual, often that 15 plus person they are dating does.
And becuause of this they soon feel the pressure to give in to this.
And of course that is why you see so many 12 year olds having babies now a days.
Add this to the obvious lack of sex education at home, read the questions here and how many start we had sex with no protection or he used the pull out methoid ( which of course is not a method)

Frineds hanging out with proper adult supervision is not real dating, although some at 11 call it that and say their have a boyfriend or girlfrend of the same age, This is a far cry from individual dating with a much older teen.

And I will restate, the parents have the largest part of the responsility here to know what theier teen is doing, and not let a 11 or 12 year old girl dress like a hochy momma either.

I agree with you Fr. Chuck that hanging out by our definition is not really dating. However, I wanted to point out that in many cases children this young have a different definition of dating then we do.

Your are right most 16 year old boys hormones are way out of control and most likely they're two different levels. You should hear how some 9 year olds talk, it's disgusting. Most of the people that came in the clinic I worked was teens misinform about sex because the parents never discuss it so they listened to their friends. I would not trust a 16 year old with my 11 year old and furthermore I'll not let her date at that age. Me and my child father agree to that.

Dating does not automatically equal sex in my mind. But dating does imply a romantic relationship that younger people are not prepared to understand or handle.

ScottGem, I agree with your posts most of the time and I totally agree that children should not be dating in the way you use the word dating. But that's not what is at issue. I think it's clear that dating implies different things to different people. For example, a first date for an older person may not feel romantic at all. It's just meeting someone to see what they are like. We still call it "dating." Obviously, if you like someone, adults expect the relationship to progress to physical and emotional expressions of intimacy, including kind words, hand holding and kissing, possibly more. But posts to this site show that that doesn't always happen even among adults, so people ask things like, "Why hasn't he kissed me after 20 dates?" A lot of dating is not very romantic! So I don't see any point in quibbling over the definition of "date."

A kid's view of dating may not be what you or I would usually consider dating. But instead of dismissing their usage, I think it makes sense to address the question with the new knowledge of what the question might have actually meant.


What seems to be happening nowadays is kids want to emulate what they see in the movies and on TV. They see people having these romantic relationships and enjoying them so they wonder why should adults have all the fun. But what happens is they really play at dating. They try to emulate what they see without the background and understanding of it. They jump around "dating" one person for a week or two and it becomes meaningless. Also it ill prepares them for when they get older and dating becomes more meaningful.

Actually, I've read the opposite, that kids who date a lot in high school form better relationships as adults than kids who never date. (And dating does not imply sex.) Playing at things is how we learn. Emulating what they see is what kids do (and other juvenile primates too). (I happen to think it's worth changing what we all see, but that's another issue.)

I think the obsession with whether a teen has EVER had sex, instead of whether their relationships are healthy is distracting people from what's important. Two-thirds of 9th-12th graders are not sexually active at any given time and 52% of them have never had sex even once. It's just not true that every 16 year old is trying to get another teen or child in bed. It bothers me when people talk like that, as if all teens were sexual predators. Some are eager, or feel they are supposed to be eager, and then there are fumbling experiments, but most teens are doing their homework, hanging out with siblings and friends, playing sports and other games, making music, etc.

http://www.cdc.gov/HealthyYouth/yrbs/pdf/yrbs07_us_sexual_behaviors_trend.pdf

Off my soapbox now... :)

Your are right most 16 year old boys hormones are way out of control and most likely they're two different levels. You should hear how some 9 year olds talk, it's disgusting. Most of the people that came in the clinic I worked was teens misinform about sex because the parents never discuss it so they listened to their friends. I would not trust a 16 year old with my 11 year old and futhermore I'll not let her date at that age. Me and my child father agree to that.

I think that "most" 16 year old boys' hormones "are way out of control" is an exaggeration. At a clinic, you are seeing the kids who have gone off track because of poor relationships at home and have made at least one poor decision and are paying for it. Teens at a clinic are not representative of all teens. And it normalizes unhealthy behavior to keep saying that's normal or to be expected. I know a lot of teen age boys too, and they are not out of control. They are nice people who happen to be young. I expect them to grow up to be nice men. I don't want them to keep hearing that all 16 and 17 year old boys are sexual predators and think there's something wrong with them because they are not. I know a lot of them are virgins, some not, but even if they've had sex once or even a few times, it doesn't mean that they pressured anyone, of whatever age.

Asking, you'r entitle to your own views like everyone else. Most of the teens that came into the clinics were from good backgrounds and not due to poor relationships with their parents. Everyone has two sides, the one you see and don't see. Some situations I don't kids should be put in. For example:my fiancée niece is allowed to date at 13 and the boy is allowed in the house. He seem nice, well-manner, mature and everything. Well that all went out the window when the parents caught him sucking on their child breasts. Always the child might not engage sex but it sometimes be some form of sexual actitives. The poster already have permission to date this guy but asked everyone else opinon on it so wrong that people gave their opinons and no matter what anyone say my opinon will stay the same.

Asking, A date and dating are different things. Going on a first date is one thing, but "dating" implies a relationship.

Yes there is a big problem in how different people view these terms as I just illustrated. Yes high schoolers going on dates with different partners is healthy, but high schoolers implies at least 14-15 yrs of age. Not 11 and 12.

Have you even hit puberty yet?? You shouldn't even be dating let alone dating a 16 year old. Yes, you say that the issue of sex hasn't come up, but when do you think it will? Because oh yes my dear it will. I am guessing that it will come up within a year or two, when he is 18 and you are 13. Then guess what? By that time you will have hit puberty and make you more susceptible of getting pregnant. Don't get me wrong at any age young men want to have sex. But you are just asking for trouble when you date someone older than you. My whole thing is that I do not think that you should be dating at all.

Why are your parents OK with this?? I have a daughter and I tell you what I would have a huge problem with your situation. I am not the type of person that says do what I say because I said so. I am the type that says do what I say because I did it myself. At eleven I wasn't even thinking about boys. I was concentrating on school and friends. I didn't have sex until I was eighteen. My mantra was, when I am old enough to lay down with someone I should be old enough to take care of a kid. And you my dear are just a kid yourself.

You may disagree with me and swear up and down that it is not about sex, but it is. That's generally what happens when you date or have a relationship with someone.

What do you have in common with sixteen year old anyway? He's probably driving and preparing for college and you probably just stopped playing with dolls. And if you were as mature as you think you are you would know that this is not the best situation.

Good luck

I'm 14 years old so don't think I'm old fashioned. I'm not going to tell you don't date him because I don't know him so I can't judge if he's worth it or not but I think I must tell you >>don't make him your everything.<<

Have you even hit puberty yet??? You shouldn't even be dating let alone dating a 16 year old. Yes, you say that the issue of sex hasn't come up, but when do you think it will? Because oh yes my dear it will. I am guessing that it will come up within a year or two, when he is 18 and you are 13. Then guess what? By that time you will have hit puberty and make you more susceptible of getting pregnant. Don't get me wrong at any age young men want to have sex. But you are just asking for trouble when you date someone older than you. My whole thing is that I do not think that you should be dating at all.

Why are your parents ok with this???? I have a daughter and I tell you what I would have a huge problem with your situation. I am not the type of person that says do what I say because I said so. I am the type that says do what I say because I did it myself. At eleven I wasn't even thinking about boys. I was concentrating on school and friends. I didn't have sex until I was eighteen. My mantra was, when I am old enough to lay down with someone I should be old enough to take care of a kid. And you my dear are just a kid yourself.

You may disagree with me and swear up and down that it is not about sex, but it is. That's generally what happens when you date or have a relationship with someone.

What do you have in common with sixteen year old anyway? He's probably driving and preparing for college and you probably just stopped playing with dolls. And if you were as mature as you think you are you would know that this is not the best situation.

Good luck


I totally agree with you fjsmith81. I don't want to offend anyone, but I too have a problem with young dating. I'm 17 yrs old and have never had a boyfriend. Not because I don't want one, but because I don't think I'm ready. My plan is to wait until I'm ready for commitment before entering into a relationship. I know that's not for everyone, but that's what I've decide to do. It seems absurd to me that your parent's are OK with this. You may not think that the age difference is a big deal... but trust me. It will become a big deal VERY fast...

Have you even hit puberty yet???

Actually there is a good chance that she has. Puberty for girls is triggered by body weight. With the abundance that is to be had in most industrialized countries, girls are starting their menstrual cycles earlier and earlier. While not common, it's not unheard of for 9 or 10 year olds to start having their period. 11 years old is an appropriate age (biologically speaking) at this point in history for girls to begin experiencing romantic interest.

:( I'm dead set against it. A 16 year old boy has no business dating an 11 year old. By 16 boys are into more things not to mention their peers are as well. Teens need to stick w/ teens. Sorry if my answer is not so popular... to you.

I'm 17 yrs old and have never had a boyfriend. Not because I don't want one, but because I don't think I'm ready. My plan is to wait until I'm ready for commitment before entering into a relationship.

While this may be right for you, I don't agree with it as a norm. I've voiced my opinion on when to start dating, but I don't believe one can know when they are ready for a commitment if they have no experience with dating. One of the main purposes of dating is to get that experience.

I believe that most pre-teens are not emotionally ready such relationships, but as they get into their mid and later teens they need to start interacting in such situations.

16 and 11!
I am 16, and the youngest I have dated ever was a 14 year old, and that was when I was 14. My last girlfriend was 15 (a year difference). But 16 and 11! That is completely different. Again, I am 16, and I can admit I know Absolutely NOTHING about relationships. Sure, I know how take a girl out, and how to kiss, but nothing about a relationship. I mean, okay. Relate to her, support her, care for her, protect her, do anything you can to help her, I know that stuff. But that is just the beginning. I know hardly anything about relationships.

Let me ask you, where did you learn all you know? Your years of expirience? I doubt it. You learned it from T.V, movies, and music, right? That is not love, nor is it anything close to a relationship.

And, I do not think an 11 year old should be dating a 16 year old. If you must date at such a young age, date another 11 year old. Maybe 12. That's it. But I don't even think 11 year olds should be dating anyway.

Please note that the OP has not logged on since she started this thread. Which means she hasn't read any of our responses so I'm closing this thread.