First time I've ever done this, so be gentle please.

Here's my situation. I'm 29 going on 30. I have been with my fiancé for over 4 years now. I love her dearly. We have a lot in common. We share a lot of the same hobbies and we generally get along great.

I bet you know where this is going, or else I wouldn’t be here.

As much as some aspects of our relationship are perfect, they almost don’t make up for the parts that are really sad and pathetic.

There are TONS of issues and I don’t even know where to start.

I might as well start with the intimacy and I can fill you in on the rest as people answer and ask me questions.

Me and my fiancé haven’t made love in over 9 months now. I feel like the best years of my life are being totally wasted. I sense no desire from her what so ever and every time I mention the problem, she immediately gets defensive and lashes out at me. Saying that she’s trying her hardest to “fix” this problem. In my opinion, after 9 months, she isn’t trying very hard and I’m feeling very undesirable.

I got to say that about 3 weeks ago, we did have a little getaway weekend and we were intimate in a nice romantic bath, but as grateful as I was for the display of affection, I basically just did all of the work and there was no penetration. We kissed, we touched, she turned around and I finished the job myself.

She thinks this was a huge milestone for her, yet has been even more cold since then.

It’s hard to even mention sex because she always responds with the old “When you pressure me it just makes me want to do it less”. Yet she’s the type that if I pretend like everything’s OK, she’ll just totally forget that a relationship is SUPPOSED to have a healthy sex life. And god forbid I’d ever sleep up and say that “I have needs”. She absolutely gets furious when men say that it’s a “need”. She’d be perfectly happy with not having sex for the rest of her life.

Anyway, like I said.. I love her very much and we are getting married next year as well as buying a house together. Should I really go through with it? Should I trust her empty promises that she is trying to fix the problem? I’m starting to think that I’m making the biggest mistake of my life and that I should run, far, far away because I deserve better.

Honestly, I could stand the rest of her faults.. if she would only physically show me that she loves me.

Signed,

Desperate30

How was sex before this 9 month drought, and what has changed? Is there a date set??

The date is set. It will be in September of 2009. As for the sex before.. well it was "acceptable" for the first 6 months or so, but after we moved in together, it went downhill.

By acceptable, I mean that we were having sex once a week, or every two weeks on average.

Before the nine month spell, it had been 5 months since we last had sex.

In over 4 years, I doubt we've had sex more than 50 times, probably closer to 40 even. If that.

Basically, she's a prude. With that said... I don't mind a prude. I'm not with someone because I'm looking for kinky sex. If she's the type of girl that just wants missionary and isn't into foreplay, then so be it. I just wish she at least had a desire for boring sex. Lol.

It sounds to me like she has some sort of sexual trauma in her past, frankly.

You need to get the two of you to counseling BEFORE you take the final steps of marriage and a house. You're not communicating on the same level right now, and you NEED to do that for a marriage to work.

But she's had counseling. Unfortunately she's very good at faking that everything's OK and she doesn't open up to counselors. She was never abused as a child. She says she doesn't like to be "touched there" because a little boy touched her there when she was a kid. She was about 5 and the little boy was around the same age. So it wasn't even a sexual kind of touching, just a little boy who didn't know any better. I highly doubt that this was something so traumatic that it would affect her into adulthood.

I do know that her ex-boyfriend ended cheateing on her for the same reason. I'm not one to cheat, I would never hurt her like that, but I'm seriously contemplating breaking it off. I don't know what else to do.

She hates the fact that counselors just tell her that "we need to bring the romance back".. apparently that's not the problem. She finds me romantic. I give her long massages with oil and candle light. I cook her nice dinners, we go out and celebrate special occasions.

According to her, I could romance her up to her elbows and it still wouldn't give her the desire for sex or anything remotely close to that. We barely kiss, she always stops it before it becomes a make-out session. As soon as that little voice in her head starts shouting "HE WANTS SEX, HE WANTS SEX".. she pulls away. All it takes is for me to kiss her with an ounce of passion or any kind of lustful look in my eye... and she shuts down.

It is very discouraging to experience this. My self-esteem is being shattered every time. I want her so bad, but she doesn't want me.

You two are definitely sexually incompatible no matter what her excuses are.

As far as using the little boy touching her there at 5 yrs old. I have known people to hold spite grudges for years and they take it out on anybody that fits the bill. Like my mom actually told me that when she was little and my grandmother would sit her in the corner for punishment she would think of how she was going to ''Get HER back'' by punishing her kids (me & my sister) one day. That is the way some people's minds work and most probably they would never see it or even ever admit it to even their own self.

I don't see her changing because it is a set personality pattern to not like being touched. Even if you gave her an ultimatum she might force herself to go along with the program until things settled back to her way.

Any girl would die for a guy that brings them flowers and gives them oil massages and cooks for them. You need to move on if you want a fulfilled romance life because she is buying time with empty promises and even if she does force herself to be intimate to any acceptable level she would be doing it to please you and that is not going to be fulfilling to your needs. You are high level romance and she would just be going through the motions at best. Can you really live with that for the rest of your life??

Not HER needing counseling.

The two of you together. You're not communicating the same things to each other. You're seeing sex in an entirely different way than she is--and I have to say your way is a lot healthier.

But I'm agreeing here that the two of you are sexually incompatible.

Honestly--if she wants a sexless life, she should marry someone else who doesn't want sex, either.

YOU: Gee dear is this a preview of our whole life together??
HER: Whatever do you mean dear?
YOU: Me running to the John and spilling my seeds everyday, and messing up the guest towels??
Her: You pervert, Marriage should be about love, not sex. I can't believe you can't respect my guest towels!!
YOU: I tell you what, If you can't sign this Prenupt, that says at least once a week, I'm out of here!!

The point being talk now, or regret later. The willingness to work together and solve your issues, starts with communications.

Exactly talaniman. Your last sentence says it all . Let me re-iterate for desperate 30 :
"The point being talk now, or regret later". Please do that.

She may be lying about why she doesn't like being touched, or she may not even know why. Ultimately, it doesn't matter. If you can sign on to a life without fulfilling sex, marry her. If not, don't.

The real problem is not the sex itself. As mentioned. If I could never penetrate her again, that would be fine with me if that was said loud and clear. What frustrates me is that she's not open to any kind of sexual intimacy.

The situations always have to be perfect with her. She needs to build herself up to it. Plan it all out. Like our weekend getaway that I mentioned. She had planned 2 months ahead to "do something".. it took her all that time to syke herself out to be receptive to an intimate encounter. Even if it wasn't full on sex.

She also suffers from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Emetophobia and Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

The next key element would be her birth control pills. She's been on the same prescription for 14 years without ever taking a break from it. From what we've read, this could be a very big factor to her lebido problem.

The issue now is that she does want to get off the birth control, but only AFTER the wedding. I'm just afraid that it might not work.. then what?

We've started talking about again today, but it just feels like the same old conversation.

if she does force herself to be intimate to any acceptable level she would be doing it to please you and that is not going to be fulfilling to your needs. You are high level romance and she would just be going through the motions at best.

I want that even less than a sexless marriage. Sex is supposed to be natural, beautiful, meaningful and welcomed. If one of our hearts isn't into it, it's meaningless. I might as well just go hump a tree.

I just want her to be receptive to my advances sometimes. I want her to stop shutting me out and in the very least.. I want her to enjoy pleasing me. I wish she'd stop treating sex like it was the plague.

You guys, I don't know what to do. I love this woman so much, she's my best friend.

Before you make the wedding plans make sure she gets over this "problem" with intimacy she obviously has. If you get married and she does nothing its only going to bother you more and more until you end up hating her. And trust me you will.

I would never jump into a marriage with major issues such as this looming overhead. I don't and never have expected perfection... that is exceptionally rare. But do seriously step back and objectively review your situation. Make a list of good qualities... and another with the stuff that annoies you. Prioritize those list as to importance. Review it again in a week or two and make any changes you see. This will help you view things objectively before you make a step that may be an expensive mistake.

Every woman isn't wife material just as every man isn't husband material. Make your choice wisely.

Hell intimacy at the very least is the first thing you should be able to count on if she really loves you. Without that you are just room mates.

After reading all of the posts, the two of you need to do group counseling so that the result of having sex will be tha gauge if everything is OK or not.
So before marriage a lot of counseling, or know what is ahead.

No matter what her problems or her excuses I only see it going round and round and never getting any where but where it is here and now. It very well could be a medical type problem but it is now an ingrained set pattern with her that even getting her system straightened out it sounds like it would still be the same old same old.
You say she is okay with special pre-planned romance so instead of pampering her regularly set all the special nice things aside for a once a week special moment. Like Friday or Saturday night date night have a flower or a card and some candles and cook a special dinner and give her the massage and whatever else you can think of that would make the evening special and see if that helps.
It sounds like part of her problem is you pamper her and she takes you for granted. You need to find a way to break the cycle and get her to realize she needs to contribute to the affection department.
If you do not find a way to break through I highly doubt you can look forward to even a happily ever after of as much as even cuddling w/ no sex.

That's another thing. Anytime I do something romantic, she tenses up and puts up her defenses because she knows I'll "want something in return". And I really don't make it plainly obvious. Sure, I always hope that something physical comes out of such an evening or event.. but I never truly expect it.

And you're right, that's my other issue... I really do pamper her too much in my opinion. I make dinner 5 nights out of 7. I prepare her work lunches and breakfasts every morning. I do most of the cleaning, laundry, handy work and yard work. I repair our own cars. I take care of her dog (which I really resent, because I hate dogs... but that's a whole other issue).

I'm basically p-whipped.. without getting the P. I love doing things for her, but all the satisfaction is gone once it turns into a daily chore.

Thanks for all of the advice so far. I really need to be more firm with our communication.

And don't settle for less that what you deserve. She gets over it somehow or move on.

I have personal experience with a girl exactly like her. Took me a year to finally decide what I should have done. And finally walking away from her was the best choice I ever made.

You should not have to fight for intimacy... ever. If you do there is something fundementally and may I say fatally wrong in the relationship.

You are too ideal. You sound like you could have ANY woman you want. With all that you do I don't understand what she could possibly be doing for you in return. Sounds like she has a free ride and so what does she have to complain about except for the fact that you want a physical relationship and she doesn't.
What does she DO to show she cares? Does she ever demonstrate in any way her LOVE for you or tell you what it is about YOU that attracts her TO YOU?

I am thinking something here but I want to know because I just do not see what she actually feels for you.
You state everything about your side of the relationship all giving and all she is is the recipient.

You are too ideal. You sound like you could have ANY woman you want. With all that you do I don't understand what she could possibly be doing for you in return. Sounds like she has a free ride and so what does she have to complain about except for the fact that you want a physical relationship and she doesn't.
What does she DO to show she cares? Does she ever demonstrate in any way her LOVE for you or tell you what it is about YOU that attracts her TO YOU?

I am thinking something here but I want to know because I just do not see what she actually feels for you.
You state everything about your side of the relationship all giving and all she is is the recipient.

What I get from her is loyalty. Lol. I don't know.. there's one thing that I get from her is that I know that she would stick by my side no matter what. I've been married before and have been in my fair share of relationships after that.. and it's something I have never felt from someone until now.

Through thick and thin, she'll be there. We have the same "big picture" goals. We want the same things.

One thing she always does, without complaint... and this may sound really weird and might gross some of you out.. but she "picks at me" almost every night before bed.

She checks my back and my face for blemishes or unsightly blackheads and takes care of them.

I know... it's odd as hell, but I enjoy it. It's honestly the closest thing to intimacy I get on a regular basis.

Other than that, I love snuggling her. She never objects to cuddling in bed and we both sleep naked. She'll cuddle me too which is really nice. But that usually leads to trouble cause I'll get excited and then an argument breaks out if I try to press the issue. She's just so damn sexy.. it hurts.

What I am getting and I may be way far off base is she may see you more as a security blanket and you are a comfort zone for her but that maybe even though she thinks she is IN love with you she may only be in love with the idea of having you there for her.
Even though she is loyal and would stick with you through thick and thin so will any body that is your true friend. I think she unconsciously sees you as a true friend and mistakes it for relationship love. Very few people really KNOW REAL love and have their own interpretation for what they perceive love to be. IN her case it seems that loyalty and friendship and what YOU DO for her is love.

Sounds like a sister and not wife material you've got going there. First of all you admitted you do wayyyyy too much for her every day. What does she do in return for you other than pick at blackheads every night? The way she is treated is more like a daddy taking care of his little darling daughter and her acting like a little spoiled brat.

Please tell me you're not going to go through and marry her? You'll be worse than miserable if you do. The ocean is full of other women who would be much more receptive than she appears to be to such a romantic person such as yourself. If you somehow rationalize away and think she's going to magically change her ways and marry her you will deserve every day of boring, unfulfilled "sister/daughter" that she can throw your way.

WARNING!! Do NOT marry this girl until you get to the bottom of this.. your marriage will ultimately fail. My cousin is married and his wife doesn't ever want to be touched by her husband, and they rarely have sex, and he feels it's compeltly ruining the marriage, he contemplates leaving her so many times, and he's miserable.. please please don't marry this girl.. or at least until your have completley solved the problem, and from the looks of it, this is going to be a hard task.

Synn said it ALL
Honestly--if she wants a sexless life, she should marry someone else who doesn't want sex, either.


You may be okay with it now --but marriage you are talking 30 -40 yrs of what? Her being pampered and treating you like a brother or dad figure. It will grow old and you WILL feel like you are missing out on ''NORMAL''.

Does this woman have money and resources?? Is this why you want to stay with her?? Are you having medical problems so you want security??

She doesn't *like or want* to have sex with you... what if you live to be 80?? That is theoretically 50 SEXLESS YEARS.

You have to get a backbone and move on. There is a lot of resentment seething under the surface of her personality, and now, in your personality. Do you want a marriage based on seething resentment day after day after day after day?

Best wishes to you in the future,

Lol.. no. We make about the same income. Medical Problems aren't an issue, plus I'm Canadian.. we have healthcare.

We keep talking about it though. She still ultimately thinks that her Birth Control Pills are the source of her non existent libido.

Well if it's the birth control pills there ARE other ways of preventing pregnancies other than pills you know. Have her go off them and see if that makes any difference.

As I have said, why even contemplate marrying a woman that is unwilling (for whatever reason) to provide one of the most basic pleasures that comes with marriage.

Waiting until after the marriage to go off the birth control pills (or have them changed) is her blackmailing you.

Issue an ultimatim: Either she changes her prescription or trusts in condoms BEFORE the wedding, or there will BE no wedding.

Committing to someone when you are not happy with them is a bad idea.

After reading all these posts all I can say is "wow." SO many things wrong with this situation. First of all it sounds like she is taking advantage of you. Second of all if she cared about how you felt she would be trying a lot harder. She would already be off the birth control pills and trying other methods of birth control. If you keep addressing the issue and you're not getting anywhere it kind of sounds like a lost cause. I do have a question though. How long have you two been engaged?

Dear Desperate,

There is a reason why you are even considering a sexless marriage and a marriage based on conflict. [To most of the experts here, a life of living hell, I would bet]

What is that reason?

Be honest. :)

You have got to ask yourself what you really want. Do you want to spend the rest of your life begging for sex and wondering if tonight is the night? Can you handle years of rejection and wondering what you did that makes you so repulsive to her? Do you honestly believe that once you are married all the sexual hangups will be gone? You sound like a nice person. At least give yourself a chance at some happiness and resolve these issues before it's too late.

Desperate30- Please give yourself a chance to be happy. This woman has you under her thumb, and her reaction to discussion (defensiveness) proves she has no real desire for the situation to change. This is how she wants things to be. There is more to a relationship than simply having the same future outlook, things can and will happen that will alter the future & what you want in it. Of course you feel you know she will stay with you through anything, why on earth would she leave? You give her everything >

And all she does is pop a few zits, which I'm sure is more pleasurable for her than even you. You may find you enjoy this simply for the physical closeness and not the actual act. Anyway things are unlikely to change she has you where she wants you and is content-you are not. There is no point marrying someone unless you are both happy. Personally I would be questioning whether she actually loved me, or if I was just a conveinience in her life...

I think you already know the answer...

no sex = no intimacy = no love, eventually one or both of you will look elsewhere.

this is not going to be ANYTHING like a normal marriage-you both need to move on. She needs help. I believe that her attitude is one I'd expect from a sexual assault victim or incest victim. She just needs help and frankly I don't think you are in any way able to provide her with the help she needs

First time I've ever done this, so be gentle please.

Here's my situation. I'm 29 going on 30. I have been with my fiancé for over 4 years now. I love her dearly. We have a lot in common. We share a lot of the same hobbies and we generally get along great.

I bet you know where this is going, or else I wouldn’t be here.

As much as some aspects of our relationship are perfect, they almost don’t make up for the parts that are really sad and pathetic.

There are TONS of issues and I don’t even know where to start.

I might as well start with the intimacy and I can fill you in on the rest as people answer and ask me questions.

Me and my fiancé haven’t made love in over 9 months now. I feel like the best years of my life are being totally wasted. I sense no desire from her what so ever and every time I mention the problem, she immediately gets defensive and lashes out at me. Saying that she’s trying her hardest to “fix” this problem. In my opinion, after 9 months, she isn’t trying very hard and I’m feeling very undesirable.

I gotta say that about 3 weeks ago, we did have a little getaway weekend and we were intimate in a nice romantic bath, but as grateful as I was for the display of affection, I basically just did all of the work and there was no penetration. We kissed, we touched, she turned around and I finished the job myself.

She thinks this was a huge milestone for her, yet has been even more cold since then.

It’s hard to even mention sex because she always responds with the old “When you pressure me it just makes me want to do it less”. Yet she’s the type that if I pretend like everything’s ok, she’ll just totally forget that a relationship is SUPPOSED to have a healthy sex life. And god forbid I’d ever sleep up and say that “I have needs”. She absolutely gets furious when men say that it’s a “need”. She’d be perfectly happy with not having sex for the rest of her life.

Anyway, like I said.. I love her very much and we are getting married next year as well as buying a house together. Should I really go through with it? Should I trust her empty promises that she is trying to fix the problem? I’m starting to think that I’m making the biggest mistake of my life and that I should run, far, far away because I deserve better.

Honestly, I could stand the rest of her faults.. if she would only physically show me that she loves me.

Signed,

Desperate30
Get out quick! I ve been married 24 years... Having been married for some time now, my wife has decided that she doenst want to be touched down below and will engage in no sort of sexual foreplay... after all she says it is her body. But it does have an impact on me too. I wondered if I was doing something wrong so I joined a dating site and met up with someone and had an affair that lasted a little over a year. Unfortunately the affair was unable to continue
:-(
The sex was fantastic but I began to fall in love... it was so good to be with someone with whom I wasn't competing all the time... we had such similar interests too... my wife and I have nothing in common and I would say that a divorce would be an excellent idea if it weren't for the fact that I have a mortgage!

If anyone out there has any idea as to how to get over this impasse please let me know-i can see no way out!

First time I've ever done this, so be gentle please.

Here's my situation. I'm 29 going on 30. I have been with my fiancé for over 4 years now. I love her dearly. We have a lot in common. We share a lot of the same hobbies and we generally get along great.

I bet you know where this is going, or else I wouldn’t be here.

As much as some aspects of our relationship are perfect, they almost don’t make up for the parts that are really sad and pathetic.

There are TONS of issues and I don’t even know where to start.

I might as well start with the intimacy and I can fill you in on the rest as people answer and ask me questions.

Me and my fiancé haven’t made love in over 9 months now. I feel like the best years of my life are being totally wasted. I sense no desire from her what so ever and every time I mention the problem, she immediately gets defensive and lashes out at me. Saying that she’s trying her hardest to “fix” this problem. In my opinion, after 9 months, she isn’t trying very hard and I’m feeling very undesirable.

I gotta say that about 3 weeks ago, we did have a little getaway weekend and we were intimate in a nice romantic bath, but as grateful as I was for the display of affection, I basically just did all of the work and there was no penetration. We kissed, we touched, she turned around and I finished the job myself.

She thinks this was a huge milestone for her, yet has been even more cold since then.

It’s hard to even mention sex because she always responds with the old “When you pressure me it just makes me want to do it less”. Yet she’s the type that if I pretend like everything’s ok, she’ll just totally forget that a relationship is SUPPOSED to have a healthy sex life. And god forbid I’d ever sleep up and say that “I have needs”. She absolutely gets furious when men say that it’s a “need”. She’d be perfectly happy with not having sex for the rest of her life.

Anyway, like I said.. I love her very much and we are getting married next year as well as buying a house together. Should I really go through with it? Should I trust her empty promises that she is trying to fix the problem? I’m starting to think that I’m making the biggest mistake of my life and that I should run, far, far away because I deserve better.

Honestly, I could stand the rest of her faults.. if she would only physically show me that she loves me.

Signed,

Desperate30
GET OUT QUICK!!
Don't SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE REGRETTING!

Okay, I am going to go against the grain.

Although I do agree that you shouldn't marry this girl before you resolve this issue, I also think that there is more going on here than birth control pills screwing up her libido.

I hate talking about this, and hate bringing it up, but most of you know my story anyway, so here goes.

I was molested as a child, and I was raped when I was 18, because of that I have had periods in my life where I have had absolutely no desire for sex. In the past I have gone through months, up to a year, of not wanting any intimacy with my husband. He's an understanding man, and for that I am grateful.

There have been times when I cringe when he touches me, when I pull away from him when he kisses me, when I don't even want a hug because I know where it will lead. It is my problem, and for that he shouldn't suffer, but it's not always easy to just let those feelings go and move on.

There have been times that I don't want sex at all, and do anything to avoid it, or I want sex really bad and actually end up exhausting him, and then there's the middle ground. It's the many sides of sexual abuse, and I never know when one side will take over, when the next wave will hit.

So, my point, I think that something is going on that your girlfriend isn't telling you about. I can't be sure, but her story sounds very familiar to me, except for the fact that she seems to never want sex, which isn't the case with me unless I'm having a bad spell.

Great, more info about me, should I just write a biography and get it over with? ;)

I believe that her attitude is one I'd expect from a sexual assault victim or incest victim. she just needs help and frankly I don't think you are in any way able to provide her with the help she needs
Preee-cisely!! She definitely needs help, but you're in no position to give it. Continuing to torture yourself in this relationship won't really help her, and will eventually result in you needing help as much or more than she does. If she won't go to couples counseling and sex therapy with you, go alone, with the objective of answering for yourself the question that Choux asked: What is your real reason for hanging onto such a frustrating and unsatisfying relationship?

So, my point, I think that something is going on that your girlfriend isn't telling you about. I can't be sure, but her story sounds very familiar to me, except for the fact that she seems to never want sex, which isn't the case with me unless I'm having a bad spell.

Great, more info about me, should I just write a biography and get it over with? ;)
I agree, there's something she isn't telling, either because she's afraid to deal with it, or because she's successfully repressed it and doesn't know herself.

Alty, your courage is inspiring. There's nothing quite so powerful and helpful as words spoken from the heart that are based on personal experience. Hats off to you.

I agree Alty IF he can find a way to break past her resisting him and get honest with him and herself then maybe the relationship is worth keeping and he can find the courage to encourage her but as long as she closes up and hides in her shell I am not so sure he should commit to marrying her. Love is a two way street and something has got to give.

I agree NoHelp. Marriage shouldn't even be considered at this point. She needs help, but the OP isn't the one to offer that help.

First she has to figure out why she feels the way she does, a therapist is a good start. From what the OP says she has gone to counselling but isn't honest and open with the consellor. She won't get anywhere until she opens up.

The OP cannot be expected to resolve this for her, and marriage will only make the problems bigger. This is a divorce waiting to happen.

For me, it's an every day issue, I haven't yet been able to get over or accept what happened, but I'm working on it. My relationship with my husband is very strong, but that's only because we communicate with each other. The OP and his fiancé are lacking that communication.

I agree, there's something she isn't telling, either because she's afraid to deal with it, or because she's successfully repressed it and doesn't know herself.

Alty, your courage is inspiring. There's nothing quite so powerful and helpful as words spoken from the heart that are based on personal experience. Hats off to you.

Thanks ordinaryguy, I hope it helps the OP.

Hello D:

Ordinary guy is right. This ain't going to get fixed soon if at all. If you can do without a sex life, marry her. Otherwise, make a polite departure.

excon