I just want to know if there is any way to turn a primarily sexual relationship into more after 6+ years?
I have a situation where I've had feelings for a guy for about 6 years; we dated in the beginning but he never wanted anything more. I fell in love and couldn't let him go, no matter what he did or how he treated me. I basically agreed nonverbally to letting him come around for sex and not having to take me out or agree to anything serious. I fell in love and just figured it was better to have him in my life than not at all. I basically have been letting him disrespect me, and not take me seriously for years now. I even made my love so dormant that sometimes I convinced myself that all I wanted was sex from him; so I've sometimes set up late night rondevous with him. Ive had some type of mix between wanting to feel in control & being in love with him. Anyway...
Recently I have been becoming more spiritual and reading the bible to deal with some issues in my life. I have been realizing how crazy I have been throughout the years, and how I've been perpetuating this treatment even though I still love him a lot. I still want to be with him.
I want to show him that I am not the same woman; that I'm more of a virtuos woman now. He's in his early 30's & I know he's not just looking for a sex partner anymore. I'm not sure if I should invite him for a date or try to call him more to see if I could change the situation, or if it has been to long now that I couldn't change his mind about me if I wanted to.

Its just that my feelings are still so strong for him... I'm not sure what to do. Any advice would help; thanks!

All I can say is try... if you never do, then you'll never know. Just be honest with him, tell him your ready for something more, maybe tell him if he's not then your little rendezvous need to stop.

Good Luck!

Well you can tell him that you have changed all you want but until you tell him you can't go through with the sex any more because you did some soul searching and you realize how you have been acting and how you really want things to be are not working together quite like you though. Tell him you realize you have been in love with him and trying whatever you felt it took to hold onto him. Be honest.
As long as you keep doing things the way you have been you are not going to get anything except for what you have been.

Do you think it will scare him away if I'm so honest with him? I mean he knows I love or have at least loved him in the past. I told him when we met, and a couple of years ago. But... I still kept up the behavior so I feel like I might have sabotoged his thinking of me. There also have been times where he has invited me to meet him for drinks or something, or hang out and I had a boyfriend at the time or dating someone, but I did not want to say no, and wanted to see him, so I pushed back seeing him until very late in the night. These were the times where I thought I was in control of my emotions for him. But after we had sex I would always miss him and fall back in love with him a few days after we saw each other. He may have called the next day, but eventually we wouldn't talk for awhile again. I would go back to deciding I would never do it again & feeling like I need to "move on". But, he's always been on my mind.

Basically my crazy mental cycle has kept me from confronting my feelings, or the situation in general... that's why I'm not sure if I even have a chance.
I'm also afraid of rejection since I have told him that I love him in the past.

He may feel like you have been trying to set him up but if you are honest and change your ways then he might respect that enough to take your change to heart.
As long as you keep going to bed with him he will not change a thing because he will see nothing has changed.

Your advice does make sense; but what do you mean by him feeling like I set him up?

Or have been setting him up rather..

By him feeling like I set him up?

Like you spent all those years hoping you would win his love and maybe trying to make him feel obligated to loving you back.

I would have a heart to heart talk with him though/.

Really? That honestly never crossed my mind... Ive been going through so many emotions loving, feeling stupid, missing him, etc.. I never thought he would think of it as a setup!

He did say something to that affect before & I thought he was just being mean...

I definitely was not trying to send that message

It sounds like you are at the crossroads where you need to be honest and take your chances whatever he decides. If you aren't honest and talk this through with him but instead continue the way you have been then you are both living a lie and hindering what might be.
It is time to move on in your life with or without him. You deserve finding and being with somebody that loves you. Why settle for less with something that isn't going anywhere.

Talk to him and give him the opportunity to make the choice but choices need to be made.

I'm usually an optimist in these kinds of cases but I have to think about how I'd feel in his shoes. An attractive girl I can have sex with any time I want? No strings? Why would I want to change? He probably says the same thing. "I can have any woman in the world PLUS I have this one chick on the side who will do whatever I want. What a sweet deal." Who would give that up? One thing you've got to remember is that NO ONE respects weakness. No one. They might take advantage of weakness. They might humor weakness. But they do not respect it. Why do you hear so many men say that want a woman who's a challenge? They want a strong woman. One who's not so easy. And sadly sweetie, you've come off as the biggest push over in his life for the past 6+ years. And it's not going to be an easy thing (or a quick thing) to undo. Honestly sweetie, the damage is done. He's seen you at your weakest. Even if you do a complete 180, he'll always think "Yeah well I still had you wrapped around my finger for those 6 years. You're still the same Suzie (or whatever)."

The only good thing that could possibly come out of this is if he truly DOES love you. And the only way to find out is if you come out and tell him that YOU have feelings for him. He'll either say "me too" or "no way". Basically, if he doesn't love you, this relationship can only go two ways, neither of which is good. You'll either continue along this road until he becomes bored with you and leaves you for a younger, hotter sucker (no offense babe) or you can end it now and do better the next time around with another guy. Your choice. Either way, I'm rooting for you. :)

Thanks for your advice
That's a hard pill to swallow; its so hard for me and I wish I never let it get to this point. Last night I stayed up crying because I missed him so bad.

I tried to page him on Saturday afternoon to see if he would call me back for the weekend, or at least until now... but I haven't heard from him. The last time we slept together was Thursday last week. He called on Friday, and I called him back that day & he said he was sleeping. Then he called me back at 3am. That's when I paged him Saturday afternoon, but haven't heard from him. I kind of feel ignored, but am not sure. This is why I'm so up in the air about talking about my feelings to him.

I'm not sure if I should try to call him more often to get the point across; or will I look like a nag

You need to leave him alone or he will see you as a nag. He may already have decided he doesn't want to be bothered with you and figures it is easiest just to not get back in touch with you or is this like him to not call for so many days?

You really need to drop him and find a fresh start with somebody that has your new 'morals'
You may not see it now cause you are so emotionally caught up but years from now you will see that you just don't want to lose something you have invested years into

Well I tried to call last night thinking maybe we could talk a little & I would have the courage to hear what he had to say to me... but he didn't answer the phone & didn't call back. So... I guess I know what to do. I just know that I'm up for some real pain; especially when my life issues go up & down. Even though I have started praying more lately; he's the person I like to speak to.

I just wish there was a way for me not to be so in love with him, like if I could look at him like other guys... just basically not have such a longing for him. It would be a lot easier.

Well all we can remind you of, Kia, is that there are always other men and it is not the end of the world if you break it off with him. Leaving him doesn't mean you are destined to be alone forever. You'll find someone better.

Well I did end up hanging with him a couple more times. We actually had a decent time; he even was calling more often and invited me to out a couple of times.

Last week I saw him and we fooled around, and afterward I asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said" Yeah kinda sorta, I guess you could call it that but not really". I took that as a yes' only because this guy has NEVER admitted to having a girlfirend in all the years that I have known him. He always said he was just dating around. I texted him later that night to tell him how surprised I was and that I could not be around him while he has a girlfriend &
I will always love him. I'm a little worried that I was too hasty. But deep down I know I can't handle it.

I know that I will miss him a lot. I just know I can't handle seeing him & hanging out when I know he's taken.
I know he has known that I still had feelings for him after all of these years & its such a slap in the face to know this " eternal" bachelor has decided to go get a girlfriend after I have loved him for this long and he never wanted to be with me seriously.

man I was so happy to read this because I am in the same boat as you.. except it hasn't been six years, only about a year. But I don't know what to do either. Everyone says if you don't talk to him then maybe he will realize what he's missing and blah blah but it's so hard not to give in and stay with him when we run into each other at the bar or something. I don't know what to do because I don't want him to not respect me even though its prob. Too late =(.. he also acts like he likes me sooo much and gets jealous and all that, yet doesn't want a girlfriend.. but I believe if you like someone enough then u would want to be with them... what has been going on lately with you and this guy of 6 years?

Well... lol its been a whole lot; but my last entry was the latest thing that happened... he says he's involved with someone

But in a nutshell I have been dealing with this guy on and off for about 6 yrs, but never in a relationship. He always had an excuse with me, having to do with life & personal issues, then saying he wasn't dating, then dating but not looking for anything serious, etc. I never chased him, I just was always available to him whenever he came around. I dated other guys but always kept him #1 in my heart because I always felt so comfortable around him; more than anyone else.

But, I slept with him a lot as well; which wasn't smart on my part.
Anyway, I have finally learned my lesson that unless the guy says he wants to be with you, it isn't worth it to wait for him... no matter how much you may love him.

I guess if he really wants you, he will let you know... period. Everyone told me but I felt it was worth it to " follow my heart". I think I just kept up a fantasy.

So I'm dealing with this lesson... and its pretty hard.

Don't do it to yourself; that's all I have to say.