I already know how it sounds.

WHY waive one's parental rights?

I have asked myself that question every day for the last two months. I... am not being asked to do so. I am asking to do so. With the encouragement of my spouse; here's the thing; we're already in two differing states.

There's... a lot of history in this one--if someone wants to know the fine details, ask me, by all means. But here... are the basics of it all.

We got married based on ideals, hopes and dreams of a beautiful future. In the end, that's exactly opposite where we were headed before we made the mutual decision to split apart. I'm 26, and she is 16. No; she'll be 17 in January '08. I'll be 27 in June '08; almost a 10 year difference, there. The forefront to it all already showed a nasty course for a long time. Up to nearly six months before the marriage finally occurred in 2008. February; late February in '08.

She gave birth to a child in March of '08.

She gives details that consistently add up to what none of us, here, want to hear. Rape. Back in June. I was in Florida at the time; she was in Colorado--it came out into the open in Mid-February that the child was not mine. In front of myself and my sister, attending with my wife on her 1st ob-gyn appointment since god-knows-when.

Up until that point in time, she played the child off as my own, between November and our marriage in February. After she'd opened that can, I'd never had the time to think about what had happened in the totality of the year.

Another point to hear--she defends the person whom actually is the father of the child with her life. He wants, now, to have everything in the world to do with the child--spouse, spouse's family and child all are in Colorado. I'm in Montana.

We need help figuring out how the easiest and most cost-effective method to a dissolution of marriage and also a permanent waiving of my own parental rights may be.

Peace, all.

Free Dream

[F]I already know how it sounds.

WHY waive one's parental rights?

I have asked myself that question each and every day for the last two months. I... am not being asked to do so. I am asking to do so. With the encouragement of my spouse; here's the thing; we're already in two differing states.

There's... a lot of history in this one--if someone wants to know the fine details, ask me, by all means. But here... are the basics of it all.

We got married based on ideals, hopes and dreams of a beautiful future. In the end, that's exactly opposite where we were headed before we made the mutual decision to split apart. I'm 26, and she is 16. No; she'll be 17 in January '08. I'll be 27 in June '08; almost a 10 year difference, there. The forefront to it all already showed a nasty course for a long time. Up to nearly six months before the marriage finally occurred in 2008. February; late February in '08.

She gave birth to a child in March of '08.

She gives details that consistently add up to what none of us, here, want to hear. Rape. Back in June. I was in Florida at the time; she was in Colorado--it came out into the open in Mid-February that the child was not mine. In front of mysef and my sister, attending with my wife on her 1st ob-gyn appointment since god-knows-when.

Up until that point in time, she played the child off as my own, between November and our marriage in February. After she'd opened that can, I'd never had the time to think about what had happened in the totality of the year.

Another point to hear--she defends the person whom actually is the father of the child with her life. He wants, now, to have everything in the world to do with the child--spouse, spouse's family and child all are in Colorado. I'm in Montana.

We need help figuring out how the easiest and most cost-effective method to a dissolution of marriage and also a permanent waiving of my own parental rights may be.

Peace, all.

Free Dream


In order to dissolve the marriage you need to file for divorce - or someone needs to file for divorce. It would be wherever you lived as a married couple, whatever State that is in. If it's uncontested it will be a lot less expensive but there is no other way to dissolve a marriage.

Ask the Court to make a legal determination of the paternity of the child using DNA - if you are not the father you do not need to waive your rights. You don't have any. In most States - as the husband - you are considered to be the father unless someone proves something else.

Are you paying support now?

If you are the father you may be allowed to waive your right to custody/visitation but you "most probably" won't get out of paying support.

I'm sure you don't want the lecture but these situations are posted all the time - 16 year old, 10 year older boyfriend. Here's always the question - what does a 26 year old see in a 16 year old? Maybe because you've been there you have an answer that will help us answer the question for other people - ?

In the meantime, all else aside - someone has to file for divorce and there needs to be a legal declaration of paternity.

You wrote: "She gives details that consistently add up to what none of us, here, want to hear. Rape. Back in June. I was in Florida at the time; she was in Colorado--it came out into the open in Mid-February that the child was not mine."
Seems to me the first issue is a determination of paternity. She and the child are in Colorado; is that where you lived? I believe you probably will need a lawyer for this, but you need to file a paternity request so that you can get a court determination that you either are, or are not, the father; there may be a presumption in your state that you are the father because you were married to the mother at the time of birth.

I'm sure you don't want the lecture but these situations are posted all the time - 16 year old, 10 year older boyfriend. Here's always the question - what does a 26 year old see in a 16 year old? Maybe because you've been there you have an answer that will help us answer the question for other people - ?

Here is a question to answer a question - What does a 65 year old man see in a 57 year old woman? Or... what does a75 year old woman see in a 29 year old man? I can say what is seen by these couples; to an ungodly extent can I say it, but it's never going to make a difference that our worlds fell apart.

I saw love. True, undbridled, unrestrained love, and I wanted to... to cultivate that.

On her side, she did everything she absolutely could to stay in with that love; she changed for herself, not for me. We mixed and intermingled interests at times, but we stayed different... but, we could not find that medium heat that kept everything glued together.

To be honest, I am in love with her, but I know something else, too--If I am to make her the happiest young woman in the world, I need to let her go, now, before we can't leave one-another; before it becomes the problem of solving a child-related riddle that would mean she and I hated each other for the rest of our days.

There is a vast difference between a 65 yr old man/57 yr old woman and 26 yr old man/16 yr old CHILD. As to a 75 yr old woman/29 yr old man, the odds are that she is trying to recapture her youth. To try and make those comparisons does not reflect well on you. But then neither does exploiting a child.

You may sense anger in my tone here and you would be right. No adult, especially a male, should engage in a romantic and especially not a sexual, relationship with a MINOR. And you must have engaged in a sexual relationship if you felt the child was possibly yours. Since the age of consent for Colorado is 17, you committed statutory rape!! You are lucky you are not in jail. If the girl was my daughter you would be.

But the bottomline here is you can't waive your parental rights. No court is going to allow you to. So what you need to show that you have no parental rights by getting a DNA test to show paternity. If you are not the father, you have no rights to waive.

As to disolving the marriage, you may be able to get an annulment. If you can shw the reason for the marriage was because you thought her pregnant with yopur child, you should be able to get an annulment (assuming its not your child).

You divorce, but you are not going to be able to give up your rights normally, in very few cases, and even if you give up your right to visit and have a say you will owe and have to pay child support, you need to be paying now, if not you will end up oweing a lot of mney

In my first skimming-through, I was not reading for emotion. I had to stop and slow down when I thought about everything, and re-read a second time. I had to actually sit down and think about what had been written and posted... so I need to thank you for being as open as you have been, ScottGem, JudyKayTee, George_1950 and Fr_Chuck.

Very honestly, the answers help a great deal; in addition to the information presently gathered via local law libraries and various lawyers across the tri-state region for Montana-Dakota, it gives me a more-biased eye-view of others' opinions.

Now that I've taken a moment for a cigarette, and to think out my thoughts, I think the present moment would be a good time to at least explain my position, as well as her own a little further. She has asked that I do so, that she and I might further acquire some knowledge as exactly how to go about this civil dissolution.

Under knowledge of what had been at the time getting a best friend's own best friend out of a nasty situation--the details of which situation were held back from me way back when--in January '07, my now-wife was brought to North Dakota in what my friend at the time labeled a "rescue" of his friend. Met his friend at the door of my apartment, asked for id--it was lost en route to the destination, but is 19; will have another in about two weeks--alright, she can stay for a day or two. Two days becomes a week; a week becomes two--never knew when, but without intimacy occurring, fell in love with an image. Twenty-odd days pass quietly, before the young miss finds a way past personal defenses, and a relationship forms.

In March of '07, there is what most would call true love about the two of us. Sincere and honest true love. A lot of changes in my own world had occurred between January and March of '07. Before January of '07, I was in a personal rut. Still getting out of an emotional attachment to a relationship that died three years prior. I stayed out of mainstream society, for the most part--the significant other had moved on, and I was working on it. The significant other was all the way off in Oregon, I in North Dakota. Living and working--staying away from a computer at all costs, and keeping myself busy. Wearing myself down as I did so, but... at the same time, keeping money flowing in gradually through my chosen line of work; convenience. Naturally good with people--if you ever saw me at a convenience store, you'd never know anything more about me than I have no qualms offering a kind smile and a good laugh in return for the knowledge that you would be seriously, sincerely OK until next you walked in.

Now, when I say convenience... I work at C-Stores if at all possible. Always. I work to serve the people as a whole. I work to make others' lives a little better. I'm good at it. Very good. I find a way to bring a smile to a person's face, even if it's only for a few moments before they are out the door on their way home, and I've done my work to its fullest extent for the day. I put in my 110%, and everyone is good.

At the time I'm speaking of, however, I kept two lives--one in which I smiled for the people, the other in which I went home each day and lived a silent life, with only a radio to keep me company, and my notebooks. I was gradually losing weight--in January '07, I'd have been lucky to weigh over 110 pounds on any given day after a hot shower.

By mid-February, I'd regained my weight to nearly 130. I ate better; slept more fitfully, and was brighter in skin-tone. At the same time, I helped this "19" year old to stay alive. Food in the apartment--healthy foods; not the junk from the convenience store I'd been eating on a constant basis. Milk, eggs, bacon, ground beef, vegetables. A really good cook surfaced in she whom was to become my wife.

Everyone in my circles of friends believed the same thing as I--she was 19 and working with a back-problem caused by a family member in her recent past, whilst steadfastly refusing to be broken down by her problems and let others take care of her. Fifty or sixty people believed the same as I--this "19" year old young woman was honest and true to everything she'd said; my parents, my co-workers, my brother and his wife; my best friends found elsewhere in town. Only two people knew a truth that had been held back from even myself; she and the young man who had brought her up to the region in the first place.

When I say true love... I mean exactly that. The comfort that comes to a person when knowing your heart and soul is sleeping soundly in the next room over, while you're reading a book before bed. The ease in knowing what the other is going to say, and getting up from the kitchen table to take out the garbage before it's asked for. Getting a giggle out of nothing at all, and being able to giggle about it for hours, before settling down on the sofa to watch a movie, then go to bed. The knowledge that no matter what comes about, love will remain and continue to remain in some shape, way or form.

Just around mid-March '07, with she and I having barely begun, yes... a more-intimate interaction, something changed that sent both of our worlds crashing down around us. I discovered everything that she had hidden from me at the time. But not from her mouth, and not from her best friend's mouth--the boys in blue, themselves. I think... the only reason nothing occurred way back when was because I was well-beyond green by the time I registered anything they had told me. Back in March of '07, I learned that she had just turned 15. I was still only 25.

She was labeled by said boys in blue as a missing juvenile, NOT as a runaway. She'd been gone from her mother's home for over five months by then. Her mother had asked, simply, that she be notified that her mother wanted her to be doing well, and be in good hands. NOT that she be returned to her mother's home and care.

She was removed from the apartment, and afterwards had been the recipient of some of the worst care to be provided even to the inmates of the state. She has the physical scars to prove it, if it ever came to be needed.

She was a wreck when she was removed from the apartment. She'd been well taken-care of; shelter, food, clothing; emotional values. All of this she had been given. Freely. And had been working to return the same favour. Shelter, food, clothing; emotional values. I was the same wreck that she had been when she was removed from the apartment.

Instantaneously, I became that wraith of a person, again. Only this time, I stayed out of humanity's reach entirely for half a year. Another friend of mine eventually came to attempt an aiding of me, and offered me a place to go. Away with he and his wife to their home state of origin. I should have stayed there. Honestly, I should have. I should have forced myself to wait the two years, when she had at last contacted me and asked me if she and I could start over--I said wait for two years. No matter how much it broke my heart to see her reactions, I should have stayed away for those two-and-a-half years.

It was five months before my willpower broke, and I agreed to allow her to fund a ticket for me to return to her side. By then, I stayed 100 pounds on a good day. I'm still less than 110, now. But I stay at that weight, for the 5'4" in height that I am.

It was her mother, too, that helped to fund the ticket up to Colorado. Specifically for the following reasons: A) Her daughter had returned to Colorado exhibiting a 180 degree turn-around in her behaviour; B) Less-prone to aggressive behaviour, her daughter chose at long last to attempt to acquire her GED, as she had passed through less than five years of academic schooling before she began making a life for herself on the streets; C) Under constant compliment from her daughter, the mother found a place in her heart for me.

In September of '07, I made a new life in Colorado for a time. Two jobs in several weeks had been lined up in short order. One with the previous company with whom I had been working for in North Dakota--same line, different store number. Good place to be. Another with a 7-11 in the same region. Her mother, step-father and even her grandparents all love me. 100%. They are standing behind me, even now, as we work together to break apart, and move on.

They all were welcoming me into their arms, age-difference literally notwithstanding. When two people of vastly-different backgrounds find a common ground, nothing stands in their way. Until they take away the only advantageous ground they may have had due to stress in being unable to get along over financial issues.

Even with her family giving the option of leaning on them for support as I might have needed to--which in hindsight I mayhaps should have done--I felt that I, myself, could not adequately care for my wife-to-be without being able to stand on my own two feet. With more than a little coaxing from my fiance, at the time, we returned to North Dakota. One place where I had vowed to myself that I would from the time I left to which never to return. I'm told that hindsight has a vision of 20/20. Every day of the week, I wish only that I should have waited the two-and-a-half years.

That was the biggest issue between she and myself. I could more than stand the distance and the time. She couldn't. She'd told me so, so many times that it broke me down a little more, and a little more. I should have. Hands down.

We returned to North Dakota in November of '07. With me fully knowing what I was residing within. The same place that had ripped our lives apart once before. This time, we held the backing of her entire family, and my own as well. She herself found the apartment; she herself negotiated the price, deposit and rent each month, from $595 to $350. She herself had gotten it set up that it would be she and I, and our kitten, living out there on our own. Her mother, myself and she had signed our names to the lease. We planned it out, beforehand, and we had gotten it all set up within a week's time. The landlord knew the situation; he agreed that we were in the right. The local Department of Motor Vehicles never said a word--if it had been illegal that her mother lived there for two days a week, every other week, and otherwise simply myself and she, getting onto our feet; they never said a word.

I went to work, again, at my old job. I and her mother were both under the impression that she was working to get her GED. She'd had dates set up. All of us were under the belief that we were working legally within a means to acquire the licensure for marriage.

Someone broke into the house in mid-November; we did what we believed to have been the right thing to do. We called it in to file a report. Again, she was ripped away; and my own legality became an issue with the state. Not an issue between her family, my family and myself; but myself and the state. We were banned from speaking with one-another until these issues could be resolved. Even the state watched my personal decline in health as time went on, this time. They watched the thinning of my frame, the exhaustion that weighted me down. They saw the same with her, as they beckoned with the both of us to say one or the other was underneath an influence.

Her family and my own had worked together hard to bring a unition of ourselves to pass. By the time it had, she and I were already having troubles. When the ban was removed, and we'd been married, there was something going on.

Scott, let your ire rest--I'm not umarked for giving myself heart and soul to one person I believed held the very key to my heart.

We've worked on our problems. Each of us have come to the conclusion that there is no possible way for us to reconcile and become a family. Not with everthing that has been disclosed between the two of us. I understand that she cannot forgive me for my stubborness, and she understands that I cannot forgive her for her past lies. We've chosen to break away from each other under civil terms, and are working towards that destination as the days pass, now. We both kick ourselves, every day of the week. Her parents are of the same mind that my own are--if we have mutually come to this conclusion, they will back us 110%.

She and I already live states away from one-another; she is moving on, as am I. Under the maturity she and I both exhibit towards our prior relations and the full story, your ire is well-founded per common beliefs and standings, and at the same time--"Innocent until proven guilty"--circumstancially mis-placed.

Again, however, I thank you wholly for your input. I thank each of you, one hundred percent, for your input.

Be at peace, all.

Free Dream

I still think you have shown poor judgement almost every step of the way. To take an unknown person in as you did was your first big mistake. To allow a relationship to develop was your second. But I understand there is more to this then your first posts revealed.

I also suspect that what you believe is true love is more of a dependency then love.

But the bottomline here is that you are asking about dissolving the marriage. MY answer on that score stays the same.