Hi,

I need some impartial advice as I am going to go mad.

I split up with my boyfriend of 1.5 years about 4 weeks ago. The reasons were various, but mainly the space we were sharing for the past 8 months was too reduced and we had drunken arguments, etc. I still love him very much and so does he he says.

We talked about 1.5 weeks ago again and met up. I said I still loved him and he said the same. We decided to give another week and then meet up again. We did and he decided to try again. It was a very pleasant afternoon and we had a couple of drinks and a ncie walk in the sun. We talked about the problems we had in a very constructive way and that this time we would give each other space and see each other 2-3 times a week, etc.

When I got home I was very excited and sent him a text saying goodnight. I waited and nothing back. Then I called and he said his mobile was on silent, etc. I said that I was not checking up, just wanted to say good night and hear it back. Then I sent him another text saying that if he was not sure he can just say and we'd leave it as it is, that he needs to be sure. He said: Yes, I know and that's why you have to hold back and take it slowly. I accepted this as I recognise I can be a bit pushy.

I got thinking and sent him an email the day after explaining the way I see the idea of getting back together and the steps we should be taking and the things I can change about myself and what I would not compromise on, etc. A very ncie and warm email. I confessed I was ona dating site for a couple of days but I thought it through and deleted my profile. I still have not got anything from him. I am supposed to see him tomorrow but he has not contacted me and I feel I cannot contact him as he will think I am annoying him.

Is this a good way to feel? No. I have been feeling like I got a huge knot in my chest and I am not sure I am doing the right thing by even considering getting back,a s I have never felt this bad before. It seems he is trying to take revenge on something by ignoring my texts/emails - I thought if he was reconsidering at least he'd be polite enough to let me know and not keeping me this way. I am not sure how to take this or if I should just call the whole thing off. On the other hand I know I might seem desperate and impatient, but I thought getting back together for a second try was all about communication and talking to each other, at least to lay the foundations and ground rules, but I do not know what is going on.

Anyone can give me some advice? - I am going crazy and I feel quite sad.

Thanks

J

You already seem like you are starting to smother him. First night you talk about seeing each other 2-3 days a week and your texting and calling him? Then after he didn't respond to that you sent an email. What kind of space is that? He sees it this way, if you're acting like this and your taking it slow, how obsessive will she be when we get together.

I think you got too caught up on the hope that you might get back together and immediately started talking to him and emailing/texting him might have annoyed him a little bit. Take a step back, stop trying so hard, and see what he does. There is no reason for you to put all this effort into it if you are getting nothing back.

Back off, leave him alone, and see if he contacts you. It shouldn't be your job to try to track him down and keep the conversation going...

Romefalls: I accept that.

Bigbird: I did, yes I admit I got a little too excited. I have stopped now. I will see what happens and just carry on with my life.

However, I also think that I might not have been giving myself the respect I deserve. One of my 'parameters' is that if a lover/friend/family ignores my calls/texts/emails, I am not valuing myself that much and I am only hurting myself further. No, I will not pursue him. It is time he does the job if he wants to. What happens is that he knows/thinks he is in control of the situation, and since he is still a bit of a child (he is 29, I am 36) he might be feeling quite good about himself having someone pursuing him.

I am still not very happy with the situation but I decided I will deal with it with my best interests at heart.

Thank you all for your responses.

J

I think you made a good decision, keep your own peace of mind at heart.

Before the days of email, a person got to actually decide if they wanted to take a person's call or not. Before the days of Caller ID, it was even simpler. If you needed time alone, you just didn't answer the phone, whomever it was.

Now, technology is giving everyone a whole new path to frustration. If I don't want to talk right now, you can text me. You can give me a LOOOOONG detailed email speeching me up on any topic you wish, and I can't stop you.

And once you've sent those emails/texts (even though I didn't want to talk right now in the first place), you can think in your mind a conversation has started and get mad when I stay with my "I don't want to talk right now."

Here's the funny part. Now YOU think I'M being rude by not answering. OMG! It's so totally the other way around, people impose their conversations on others who don't want to talk... that's rude.

Any, polite or not, you said you were guilty of being pushy, then to not be pushy, you sent him a polite "speech" outlining what had to happen next. I'm sorry, but that's funny! You don't see the irony in that?

HIM: "We need to take things slow."
YOU: "You're right, I'll try not be pushy. Here's my 12-step plan for us getting back together. Review it and answer me back right away."

You need to... no, EVERYONE needs to... rethink what you're doing when you press the SEND button. You think you're communicating. Hmm, maybe. But how often are you pushing yourself into someone's day without concern for whether it's welcome, needed or even appropriate?

I long for the days when relationships were endeavored face to face. And if you had something to tell them, you told them in person... the NEXT time you saw them.

Oh well...

Wow you've got some good advice here..

Like everyone else said, back off, this poor guy is feeling like you didn't listen to him probably.. no more calls, no more texts, or emails... let him chase you for once..

Work on your anxiety too

JB said it all. Just want to share.

I got into same situation no too long ago, only it was other way around. My Bf ignored my calls and doesn't get back to me within the day after my text. I keep on insisting what he's doing is rude because in business, it is considered RUDE to let the phone ring 3 times before answering or ignore and return text or e-mail after 2 days. After 2 months I got fed up and finally I left him an message on his answering machine that I am done because I am so furious.

I didn't talk to him for 3 weeks, I ignored his calls thinking its over and in those time I felt like my feelings poured out along with my tears. We got back together but for a month I am not myself. He texts but I answer like 1 out of his 5 texts. I occupied myself with so many things and he felt the distance. He said that I am retaliating, he cried and said he's sorry.In all honesty, Im clueless that's what he's feeling. I just really thought that's what he wants.

So, in short, my advice is BACK OFF for a while. Let that little space do its own thing.

Thanks for all your comments. I do take all of this on board. However, I must clarify, particularly to JBaucaire that the email I sent was not intended to get a reply. It was what I felt and I should not be afraid/ashamed to express my feelings.

All I was expecting of him was at least to say: We will talk about this when we see each other next.

I am very sorry, but I maintain that whatever the communication technology, POLITENESS has to be maintained.

And no, I have not been in contact with him and will not be. I am not anxious anymore and I am letting the left part of my brain take over which is working well since yesterday I am much more productive and have stopped obsessing about this guy. I might love him with all my heart, but if it is not meant to be it is not meant to be. I just think people should not come to you and ask for another try if their hearts are not in it. It is plainly UNPOLITE and wasting people's time.

Time to think is good, and previously I gave him 4 weeks of time without any contact whatsoever. I have had my own time and just lately realised this is not what I want for myself anyway, love aside.

Again, thanks for all your comments. Have been of great help!

Just the final update.

I have to say I have been lucky by finding someone who took the time to pour their feelings in a letter (in response to mine), so I am quite glad I did send him that email.

We met up last night and broke up. He gave me a letter outlining his reasons for not wanting to give it another go and the fact that he feels he still needs to go out and meet new people, try new things, etc. He could not see a future for us and he loves me but not as much as he thinks I love him.

There is more to it but this was enough for me and at least now I know where I am standing. I am just going to let the slow process of healing and acceptance begin.

Thank you

J

We're here. Keep talking, you'll do great, we know it.

To be perfectly honest with you all I am not feeling too good.

I am just bursting in tears at any time and deep inside I think I am hoping he'll change his mind and come back to me - This, I know, will never happen, but my very irrational heart is leading me astray and making every day that little bit worse...

I know there is no much anyone can do about it, but at least by talking about how I feel Iget an outlet. I have not contacted him and will not do it. I am very scared of what might happen in the future as I feel I am trapped in a big black hole and can't see a way out. I just keep seeing his face everywhere and his voice is constantly ringing in my ears.

I do believe I did all humanely possible to be with him, but he just decided he did not love me enough to give it a good try and found it better to say he wanted to go out and meet new people, try new things. Alone. I don't think I will ever forget those words.

I did think about ending it all over the weekend, but I know I am not that kind of person. I know these things pass but it scared me that the thought crossed my mind. I am such at loss and I miss him dearly. I keep thinking what he'd be doing or who with, but I try and block the thoughts. It is just getting harder and harder as time goes by.

*Sigh* reading things like this and knowing people are feeling as terrible as I am makes me sad. Just want to let you know that you're not alone, and I admit to having those thoughts to but realised- as you did- that it's not me. Stay strong. It gets better inevitably, feelings like this never stay the same forever. X

Thank you Boris. I hope you're not too bad now. I know I will feel better in time but it is quite interesting how while we are going through this it seems like the end of the world.

I think I might be going through the anger phase now as I was re-reading what I wrote and I feel actually angry I have dedicated so much time talking about that person. He did not deserve it.

I also realised he took advantage of me on the last time I saw him, as we ended up spending the night together (in my new flat). I was vulnerable and he saw an opportunity to get what he wanted. It was of course, consensual, but I was not really in my right mind.

Anyway, I am better today but I know it will be a rollercoaster so I will just see what happens and in the meantime keep busy.

Thank you very much for your comments of encouragement.

Xx

Both of you...

Hang in there, it does get better. I, like most of the people here, remember the feeling of being helpless, like it will neve rend, and you will never get out. It does end, and you do start feeling better, but you have to work through the hard times before they get easier. Just keep doing what your doing, let the emotions ride their way out, and you will be feeling better... I promise :)

Well, some days it does get better and some are really horrible.

I made the mistake of emailing him yesterday about certain stuff he needs to send me over and he replied, etc. It just made me feel worse and feel I am back in square one. I do have certain doubts about my self-worth. Why is that I am stuck in here and he seems to have moved on so quickly?

I got drunk the other day and text-called him and said he took advantage of me when he broke up with me by letter (on the day he decided he wanted to meet new people, I was very vulnerable and was convinced of spending the night with him - well, I agreed, but was in no way thinking straight) and he then said I should not send him those messages cause they hurt me more. I am just very angry about the whole thing and I wish I had never humiliated myself like that.

Since yesterday, I have been obsessing about him and it is killing me. I cannot see a way out and I feel I am just wasting time when I could be just trying to rebuild my life.

Other days I feel good and try not to think too much about him but keep trying to feel myself in my own body and be more positive about the future. I think on the whole it is getting easier being without him. The problem now is the sense of anger and failure and guilt over the things I've said to him and the way I mistreated myself