But not sharing the housekeeping responsibilities~!~?
(to say “taking advantage of” is an understatement)

I moved back home about 2 years ago.
My older sister (43 to my 42), about 2 years earlier.
She occupies two rooms to my one.
We both work full-time as does my mother.
My hope (when I asked if I could move back) was to help mom out with household chores (I had already been staying over any time there was a threat of serious snow) and costs, ultimately enabling me to save a little $.
Adjustments to be made of respect for my mom (no surprise "sleepovers", loud music, staying out late (w/out calling creating unnecessary worry),etc.).
All set to take on my “share” of household chores that Mom & older sister were doing, I learned that Mom was doing everything. Cleaning, vacuuming, dusting, etc.
That’s just something that wouldn’t sit well with me. Not helping out with the place I call home… you know?
When I caught my mother making older sister’s bed, older sister said it made mom feel “needed, appreciated”.
Mom was in and out of the ER last July.
I believe that was the first time older sister did her own laundry since I moved back.
But that was pretty much the extent of her chore participation.
I genuinely thought if my doing the logical, right thing wouldn’t kick older sisters but into gear, mom being sick would. Nope
I’m thinking older sister thought I was ruining her “good thing”.
Two years later -
I've not saved a dime.
In fact, my debt has gone up.
Unexpectedly unemployed for the 2nd ½ of 05’, I was able to help out mom while she was sick, and continued to cover household costs at the same level as when employed.
Older sister has paid down debt, gone on a trip (pd for by Dad) and taken short vaca's of her own.
Mom and I still do most of the "housekeeping".
Mom also continues to do older sister's laundry and occasionally cleans her room when forced to (it's close to the center of the house, company can see in).
Mom & I take care of older sister’s animals (2 cats & 1 dog to my 1 cat and mom's two) when she’s not home (which is quite often).
This includes food/litter/treat costs.
Older sister does have the courtesy to step around us when weekends come and it's time to clean.
Older sister did say once – when I noticed she just got back from the grocery store and asked her if she picked up paper towels – that nobody told her we needed any.
Nobody told her? She’s been living in the house for how long? And she uses the paper towels.
“All you need to do is ask” was another comment when it came to chores around the house. Who’s asking Mom & I?
I gave it a try though.
Anticipating a really heavy snowstorm, I asked older sister if she was going to be around to help out (I have a bad back).
She went out that night (that it started) and showed back home around 1pm in the afternoon.
I had already borrowed a light snow blower from a neighbor and cleared the snow.
A phone call at the very least would have made it a little better – but nothing.

Maybe I’ve lucked out in the roommate department.
You tell me.
I’ve had 2 roommates since my college years.
Both times there was implied “roommate courtesy” re: doing chores, sharing food, etc.

Older sister either lived on her own or was married since her college days.
Might that have something to with her lack of respect – especially for mom?
She’s the middle child (oldest sister was killed 8 years ago) and always been somewhat of a rebel “I’ll do what I want” kind of person. Very good at speaking her mind.
Probably the smartest child.

Enough rambling – suggestions?
(before I lose it).
I do need to put my foot down. Recent unanticipated expenses have made me come to the conclusion that for the remainder of the year I no longer feel I should have to contribute to household costs (not including utilities).
Thing is, if I mention this to mom, I’m pretty sure she’ll just take on the costs (instead of saying something to older sister).
Mom tends to be like that . So do I when it comes to older sister. She has this way of putting you on the defensive when she is in the wrong. And the more wrong she is, the more defensive she tries to make you.

I think I may have a solution to handling this “elephant in the room”.
Take the impersonal approach – 3 housemates (not mother and two siblings) living together and doing their share.
Take a few minutes and sit down and clarify responsibilities and expectations.
While I seriously doubt it, maybe what’s obvious to mom & I (and other family members who visit) isn’t obvious to older sister?

Sorry for the rambling.
Just wanted to give as much “scene setting color commentary” as I could.

Anxiously waiting any and all suggestions.

Cheryl64

Can you forgive me for responding based only on your subject line?

Adult children in the home of the parents should
1. Pay some rent, and
2. Share in the household responsibilities, or
3. Hit the road.

I was brought up that way (I chose to hit the road and live in a dump). I and my friends at the time thought my parents were being cruel.

Now that I am mature I see that it's the way to go.

You sister will not start doing anything as long as your mom allows her.

If you do not like it, you should move out so you don't have to be part of it.

You can of course tell your sister all of this and see what happens.

But basically your mom is allowing her to do this and she does and will until your mom lets her room heep up into a pile.

I feel you. My brother is the same way (lives at home at 49) Vent to your father and stay out of this as siblings shouldn't judge each other or fight around their parents no matter how mad you get. Its not your house,so do what you can to help and keep the peace!:cool: :confused:

I can sympathize with you. Please understand that what I have to say is only my humble opinion. I think that if you would move out to 'force' the sister to take on her share of the responsibilities, she would just keep allowing mom to do everything. That would put you in a situation where you would constantly worry about your mom's health, having to do extra work that she probably shouldn't need be taking on, right?
I guess the only thing that I would suggest is to have a 'sit down' with your sister and tell her how irresponsible she is. I know this sounds harsh, but you can do it tactfully. It appears that you know your sister enough to guess what kind of responses/defenses she may give you. Do your homework and pump yourself up with sound advice from others and pure wisdom, which you seem to have a lot of. Be ready. Be calm, even if you have to bite your tongue. Believe me, it is way more effective than losing it. Tell her a defensive attitude is not the adult way to handle this and that your mother needs these years to have you BOTH take care of her! Not the other way around. If she persists on being defensive and argumentative, just end it there and tell her that you were only trying to help her to be a better, more mature person as well as a better daughter for your mom. My guess is that at her age, she has to have been questioning her life by now and wondering WHY she is still at moms. Please don't take that as an insult to you because your motives are clearly to be there to help! Someone needs to take the bull by the horns and unfortunately, it looks as if you have that job. But, as I said before, you sound like the level headed responsible one. Believe in your abilities and your knowledge.

But not sharing the housekeeping responsibilities~!~?
(to say “taking advantage of” is an understatement)

I moved back home about 2 years ago.
My older sister (43 to my 42), about 2 years earlier.
She occupies two rooms to my one.
We both work full-time as does my mother.
My hope (when I asked if I could move back) was to help mom out with household chores (I had already been staying over any time there was a threat of serious snow) and costs, ultimately enabling me to save a little $.
Adjustments to be made out of respect for my mom (no surprise "sleepovers", loud music, staying out late (w/out calling creating unnecessary worry),etc.).
All set to take on my “share” of household chores that Mom & older sister were doing, I learned that Mom was doing everything. Cleaning, vacuuming, dusting, etc.
That’s just something that wouldn’t sit well with me. Not helping out with the place I call home… you know?
When I caught my mother making older sister’s bed, older sister said it made mom feel “needed, appreciated”.
Mom was in and out of the ER last July.
I believe that was the first time older sister did her own laundry since I moved back.
But that was pretty much the extent of her chore participation.
I genuinely thought if my doing the logical, right thing wouldn’t kick older sisters but into gear, mom being sick would. Nope
I’m thinking older sister thought I was ruining her “good thing”.
Two years later -
I've not saved a dime.
In fact, my debt has gone up.
Unexpectedly unemployed for the 2nd ½ of 05’, I was able to help out mom while she was sick, and continued to cover household costs at the same level as when employed.
Older sister has paid down debt, gone on a trip (pd for by Dad) and taken short vaca's of her own.
Mom and I still do most of the "housekeeping".
Mom also continues to do older sister's laundry and occasionally cleans her room when forced to (it's close to the center of the house, company can see in).
Mom & I take care of older sister’s animals (2 cats & 1 dog to my 1 cat and mom's two) when she’s not home (which is quite often).
This includes food/litter/treat costs.
Older sister does have the courtesy to step around us when weekends come and it's time to clean.
Older sister did say once – when I noticed she just got back from the grocery store and asked her if she picked up paper towels – that nobody told her we needed any.
Nobody told her? She’s been living in the house for how long? And she uses the paper towels.
“All you need to do is ask” was another comment when it came to chores around the house. Who’s asking Mom & I?
I gave it a try though.
Anticipating a really heavy snowstorm, I asked older sister if she was going to be around to help out (I have a bad back).
She went out that night (that it started) and showed back home around 1pm in the afternoon.
I had already borrowed a light snow blower from a neighbor and cleared the snow.
A phone call at the very least would have made it a little better – but nothing.

Maybe I’ve lucked out in the roommate department.
You tell me.
I’ve had 2 roommates since my college years.
Both times there was implied “roommate courtesy” re: doing chores, sharing food, etc.

Older sister either lived on her own or was married since her college days.
Might that have something to with her lack of respect – especially for mom?
She’s the middle child (oldest sister was killed 8 years ago) and always been somewhat of a rebel “I’ll do what I want” kind of person. Very good at speaking her mind.
Probably the smartest child.

Enough rambling – suggestions?
(before I lose it).
I do need to put my foot down. Recent unanticipated expenses have made me come to the conclusion that for the remainder of the year I no longer feel I should have to contribute to household costs (not including utilities).
Thing is, if I mention this to mom, I’m pretty sure she’ll just take on the costs (instead of saying something to older sister).
Mom tends to be like that . So do I when it comes to older sister. She has this way of putting you on the defensive when she is in the wrong. And the more wrong she is, the more defensive she tries to make you.

I think I may have a solution to handling this “elephant in the room”.
Take the impersonal approach – 3 housemates (not mother and two siblings) living together and doing their share.
Take a few minutes and sit down and clarify responsibilities and expectations.
While I seriously doubt it, maybe what’s obvious to mom & I (and other family members who visit) isn’t obvious to older sister?

Sorry for the rambling.
Just wanted to give as much “scene setting color commentary” as I could.

Anxiously waiting any and all suggestions.

Cheryl64
I think you're dead-on about sitting down as three roomates. It's not impersonal, it's just removed from the old family dynamics we can all so easily fall into.

A good way to start is with a simple contract, that treats everyone as equals and help spell out exactly what's expected.

Jack Richards
Adult Children Living at Home (http://www.adultchildrenlivingathome.com/)

As an older Mom with adult children who have come back, and back... again. I have a little insight here. Do not fight or argue around Mom, stress is a killer, hostility in the house brings on stress.
Regardless of your sisters lack of contributions to expenses, do not saddle Mom with additional costs, continue to pay your part. Roomates would not take on your expenses would they?
Helping Mom with household chores is a necessity, she would not have as much to do if she were alone. Snow removal of course an exception. It is not your place to tell your sister she is out of line, so much as it is your Mom's place. Sounds as if she is non confrontational,probably she is just trying to maintain peace in her home.
As it grates on you to see your sister mooching, make arrangements to move. It is very unlikely you will have the satisfaction of seeing things go your way, and it is difficult to live in a house where you are unhappy all the time.
You will not be able to change your Sister or your Mom. I do think your sister is wrong here, very wrong. Just pick your battles in life, some are not winnable.

DUHHHH! After a long response I notice this an old post, 2006! Wonder how this worked out.