I am an unmarried father living together with the mother of my daughter. We have lived together and bought a house together in Chicago, IL. We bought the home in March of 2004. My daughter was born in Sept 2004.

Me and the mother are not doing well in our relationship. At this point, it looks as if we are splitting. My question is "what do I need to do to do to get joint custody of my daughter"? We are still living together but the mother has threatened several times that I will never see my daughter again. Her point is that as we are not married she can decide when I can see my daughter, where she lives and make all the decisions. She has explained as an unmarried father, I have no rights to my daughter. She is additionally looking at moving to Florida. I am very saddened by this whole situation. I am the parent who has raised this child from birth. I was the one who fed her in the middle of the night as a newborn, I cook for her and put her to bed every night. I am completely involved (as this is what I want) in my daughters life (school, camp, home, etc.. ).

What should I do now to protect myself as a parent and protect my relationship with my daughter?

Be proactive and go to family court and apply for joint custody.
She is your daughter too so you have rights either she is misinformed or she is trying to make you believe this.
You may have to do a paternity test but it is well worth it
You may even want to be the one to request that.

Get a laywer and go to court to file for custody. Her mother is just blowing smoke with all that she has said. The sooner you get to court the better that way if she does decide to go to FL you already have an order in place!

Are you on the birth certificate? If you are then you are the legal father. As such you have the same rights as she does as a legal parent. Whether you were married or not has NO bearing.

While you are cohabiting, nothing needs or should be done. But as soon as you cease to live together you need to file in court for joint (or full) custody. If you apply for joint, then you also need to apply for visitation. And you need to do this before she moves. And request a restraining order preventing her from moving without court permission pending the settlement of custody/visitation rights.

At the very least you should be able to get a frequent visitation that will prevent her from moving.

I am an unmarried father living together with the mother of my daughter...

Me and the mother are not doing well in our relationship. At this point, it looks as if we are splitting... I am very saddened by this whole situation. I am the parent who has raised this child from birth. I was the one who fed her in the middle of the night as a newborn, I cook for her and put her to bed every night. I am completely involved (as this is what I want) in my daughters life (school, camp, home, etc..).

What should I do now to protect myself as a parent and protect my relationship with my daughter?
You need to read, read, read; and start looking for a good lawyer. Do you have time to go to family court and observe? Check this: Child Custody and Support - Illinois Child Custody and Support Guidelines (http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/childcustodylaw1/qt/IllCusSup.htm)

Are you on the birth certificate? If you are then you are the legal father. As such you have the same rights as she does as a legal parent. Whether you were married or not has NO bearing.

While you are cohabiting, nothing needs or should be done. But as soon as you cease to live together you need to file in court for joint (or full) custody. If you apply for joint, then you also need to apply for visitation. And you need to do this before she moves. and request a restraining order preventing her from moving without court permission pending the settlement of custody/visitation rights.

At the very least you should be able to get a frequent visitation that will prevent her from moving.


Yes, I am on the birth certificate and was in the delivery room when she was born.

Since you are on the BC, you have the same rights she does, she is probably just trying to scare you off. Unless she can prove you are unfit (which you don't seem to be, so that shouldn't happen), and not knowing any other details, I'd say you've got a good chance at 50/50. Don't freak out over thinking that she can take her away from you because she's the mother, it's just not true. However, once you get to the point of filing/being served with papers, you should have a good lawyer and be prepared to fight for your custody/visitation, but never slam the mother to anyone. Best of luck.

I partially agree with smoke, but I don't think you should wait until you are served with papers. She may just up and leave while you are at work, so you want to forestall that.

Yeah you need to be on top of it and serve papers first

What difference does it make who files first? I don't disagree with you, I just don't know, so I'm asking. :-)

There is a pretty big difference. In this case it would be that she wouldn't file until she is gone at which point it will be harder for him to get custody back. If he files first then that will prevent her from leaving beause there will already be an order in place that states when the child has to be with him. If the mother decides to ignore this and move anyway then she will be in contempt of court.

What difference does it make who files first? I don't disagree with you, I just don't know, so I'm asking. :-)

Sometimes it doesn't. In this case, he can't wait until she leaves so he has to file before that.