Im 19 year old male, and I got my ex girlfriend pregnant.

When she told me she missed her period I was really worried and she was calm cause she said that it usually is a few days late. Two weeks had gone by and still there was no cycle. I bought a pregnancy test and she wouldn't let me see her pee on it. She "took" the test and it came out negative. We were relieved and thought that the situation was done with. A week later there was still no period, she said she took another one and this time it came out positive, I started questioning her why the first one was negative and now this one is positive, why. And she told me because she dipped the first test into the toilet. After that was settled we had decided on getting an abortion. I had told her do not worry about the money I will pay for it and be right there with you so you won't be scared. She said OK, but behind my back the next day she went the doctors office and paid for the abortion and decided to tell me the day before the appointment. We go to the doctors and the plan was for me to go in with her to keep her company and make it so she wasn't going through this alone. She fights me with me going into the room and says that she wants to do it alone and that she isn't going to let me go in with her. So I let her.

She comes out of the office and just walks out the door I take her home cause I have to go to school.On my way back to school I call her and ask her if she really did it because she didn't cry and she acted normal. So on my way walking to class she calls me and breaks up with me. I could not understand why it happened, but she did it. An hour later she calls me back and tells me that she couldn't do the abortion. She was too scared. That was the second time she had lied to me. And it really hurt me really bad. Someone who claimed to love me has lied about a serious subject TWICE now. We didn't talk for about a week and then we started talking again trying to make it work but it wasn't. Then about 2 months later she calls me and tells me she went to the doctors the day before cause she was having really bad pains in her stomach. And she said she had a miscarriage, and they said it was a stress related loss. So that made me feel horrible cause she said it was my fault. So now its been 5 1/2 months since she was declared pregnant, and about a week ago, she had called me and said that she never had a miscarriage either. Strike 3... So this girl has lied about the pregnancy 3 times to me, I don't know if she is just messing with my head or what. And now she is telling me that she doesn't want me to be a part of the little girls life but as a "Father" I can't let a girl like her take care of my kid. She is 22 and lives with her mom and dad and two sisters who are older than her and brother. She has no money, job, vehicle.

I guess what I'm trying to ask for help with is how do I get FULL CUSTODY.

Help would be greatly appreciated, by the way I live in California

Can you get a lawyer? If not ask for an assistance to some public attorneys office. The court may appoint u one free of charge or u may find one who will work on consignment meaning if u lose u pay him nothing but if he wins u have to make payment arrangements.

Court has to prove that your ex is incapable of taking care of your child and you are. Britney Spears lost the custody of her kids how much your ex? Think about it. Just need a good lawyer on this.

My ex got the full custody of their daughter because his ex-wife doesn't believe in doctors. She thinks that doctors are just around to get money and illness just need prayers. It's the biggest reason but there are a lot of things weighed. Court battle custody went on for 11 months.

By the way make sure first that the kid is yours. Have DNA testing before you go any further.

So you can see for a fact she is pregnant? Otherwise I would not even be asking about what to do when the baby is born cause other than you visually seeing she is pregnant you have no idea if she really is.
IF you can not/have not visually seen she is pregnant then I would say she most likely started a lie and had to keep it going with more lies.
Usually girls lie about being pregnant to keep a guy. Even though she broke up with you she felt she still needed to keep the lie up most likely so you would not keep pushing for an abortion.
Since she lies like she does I am guessing she could be or may not be pregnant.

As yliara said you have to have proof she is an unfit mom but lying and being a drama queen are not grounds for an unfit mother.
One thing you Do NEED to do is insist on a paternity test before you sign one single thing
Otherwise you could end up being stuck paying for a baby that is not even yours.

Take everyone's advice on getting the paternity test. If the baby is yours there is no way that she can keep her from you if you are paying her child support and trying to be a part of the baby's life. There is no way a judge in his right mind will deny the biological father his rights if he wants to be active in the child's life. You probably won't be able to get full custody unless the mother is unfit or gives it to you, which probably won't happen. So, call around and talk to a few lawyers. What part of California are you in? I know some lawyers in Orange county that give free legal advice that you can call, I have to get the information if you need it. Hope everything works out and I totally commend you on trying to take care of your responsibilities, as you can see most of tehse postings are about dead beat dads and you don't seem to want to be one of those, so kudos to you!

Before anything get a paternity test done.
Don't five that crazy girl a single cent.

Take everyone's advice on getting the paternity test. If the baby is yours there is no way that she can keep her from you if you are paying her child support and trying to be a part of the baby's life. There is no way a judge in his right mind will deny the biological father his rights if he wants to be active in the child's life. You probably won't be able to get full custody unless the mother is unfit or gives it to you, which probably won't happen. So, call around and talk to a few lawyers. What part of California are you in? I know some lawyers in Orange county that give free legal advice that you can call, I have to get the information if you need it. Hope everything works out and I totally commend you on trying to take care of your responsibilities, as you can see most of tehse postings are about dead beat dads and you don't seem to want to be one of those, so kudos to you!


I will post them tonight when I get back to my house, they are in my filing cabinet.

I moved this to Family Law because your main question was about custody. But before I get into that, I have a few comments. Having an unplanned pregnancy, is an extremely stressful situation for a woman. From your description of events, it sounds like you didn't provide a great deal of support. I suspect the reason she lied about the results of the first test was because of pressure from you. YOU went and bought the test and wanted to stand over her while she took it.

Then you claim you decided on an abortion, but I suspect she was never happy with that decision, but agreed to it due to pressure from you. Ho you think you were being supportive by paying for it and holding her hand during it. But in reality you were pressuring her to do something she didn't want.

I'm not the least surprised she broke up with you over this. And doesn't want you as part of the child's life. After all it was your preference to terminate the pregancy.

But legally, you have a father's rights (once established by a paternity test). However, I see nothing in your story that would get you full custody. Just because she lives with her parents doesn't make her unfit.

At best, you will get joint legal custody with visitation rights.

What? You want full custody? What happened to not wanting the baby to begin with?
When did you change your mind from "getting rid of it" to SUPPOSEDLY wanting what's best for it?

Your last statement about her is probably the reason she keeps lying to you. "she doesn't want me to be a part of the little girls life." She's probably trying to get you to think you don't have a baby anymore so she can raise it on her own without you interfering for whatever reason, and every time she lies her conscious gets the best of her and she tells you the truth. No, I don't think it's right for her to do that by any means, but I also don't think she is just trying to get a laugh and mess with your head.

Unless there is some major detail you are leaving out or something major happens between now and the time the baby is born, there is no way you would get full custody. Maybe visitation, probably at best 50/50 custody or something like that.

Again, I don't understand how you can want to have full custody of a baby you tried to get rid of to begin with. Whether a person agrees with abortion is irrelevant here. But you chose that, and now because someone lied to you, you think you deserve to get the baby you never wanted? Why don't you try to step up and be a good father (which doesn't include trying to take the kid away from her mom without good reason) and take responsibility for your actions? Try to make this work with the mother. Otherwise, don't be a detriment to the kid you never wanted.

p.s. You seem to have a problem with criticism. Just because someone doesn't agree with you doesn't mean they're a moron.

Then you claim you decided on an abortion, but I suspect she was never happy with that decision, but agreed to it due to pressure from you. Ho you think you were being supportive by paying for it and holding her hand during it. But in reality you were pressuring her to do something she didn't want.


I was thinking the same thing but figured I would stick with the other issue
You can not get full custody on what you have stated here.

I can't give scott any more green right now but I'm with him too.

Okay, you guys are all bashing this man because of the whole abortion thing in the beginning of the preganancy! It is normal for young people to think about abortion when they find out that they are going to be a parent at 19! The thought probably crossed the mother's mind as well, it obviously did if she went to the doctor's office and everything but didn't go through with it. The first thing that came to my mind when I found out that I was pregnant at 18 was abortion, my daughter's father was the one to convience me not to have one and to have the baby and now he isn't even in her life! I am so thankful that I had her though, she changed my life and I love her to death!! So, at least he has come to terms that he is going to be a father and maybe he is thankful for that and wants to be a part of his child's life, which he has every right to be! He is an equal parent as well. Kids need both of their parents, not just one! So STOP bashing him about the whole abortion thing! He was just as scared as the mother I am sure and probably had his doubts about the abortion as well! He will probably not get full custody unless the mother gives up her rights which has been known to happen, but not usually. He can get them 50/50 if he proves that he can support the child while he has it. As for the mother, maybe you should talk to her and explain to her why you had mentioned an abortion in the beginning. Explain to her that you were not trying to pressure her into having one. I am sure that she wants to be with you while she is going through this pregnancy. She is probably scared that she is going to have to do this all alone and that is why she is pushing you away. Let her know that you care about her and the baby! You two are going to have to deal with each other for the rest of your lives now because of the decisions that you two made together. So, now you have to make the best of the situation for not only you, but your child as well!! Hope everything works out and I will post those numbers tonight. Good luck!

I would suggest that OP read the rules of the Board concerning "reddies" and what is allowed. Specifically: What is disparaging?
Disparaging is to speak of or treat slightingly; depreciate; belittle.

It's quite alright to say (in a post or comment to a post)
"The above will not work because...", or
"I disagree; here is how I would handle it...", or
"Here is an answer/solution that I believe is more accurate/effective..."
...or similar.

It's not acceptable to say
"so and so does not know what he's talking about", or
"I guess so and so did not care about checking the accuracy of his answer", or
"again, so and so, you've posted in error", or
"so and so's answer is baloney"
...or similar.If you can't say something nice to or about another member, then don't say it at all.

Way out of line and this reddie should be removed.

Comments on this post
Pharmacy27 (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/pharmacy27.html) disagrees: You're a moron

First, may I call your attention to the guidelines for using the comments feature found here:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/feedback/using-comments-feature-24951.html

You are entitled to your opinion, but expressing them using the comments feature was inappropriate. However, I stand by what I said. Obviously, several others read similar things into your posts, so I may have been wrong, but my interpretations appear reasonable. This hardly qualifies me as a "moron".

I notice that rather then try to present arguments to the points I made, you resort to name-calling (a violation of the rules of this site, by the way). This makes me all the more convinced that I am right. You want to dissuade me? Then post something to argue against the conclusions I reached. Just name calling will do nothing but result in your being banned.

Yes, they were probably both scared, and like I said, it was their choice to get an abortion, and that's not the real issue right now. I just don't understand how you can go from not wanting the kid (be it through abortion, adoption, just not seeing it or whatever, which are all valid choices a person can make) to wanting the other parent (who obviously wasn't as comfortable about the choice, which is why I suspect she didn't go through with it) to not have the kid and to keep the kid for yourself. I don't get that at all, and if someone, namely the OP, could explain, I would be more than willing to listen and take what he says with an open mind. What I'm getting right now is
1) I don't want the baby, lets get an abortion
2) OK she changed the plan, but is still getting the abortion
3) She walked out, don't know if she got rid of it
4) She says she's still pregnant
5) Says she had a miscarriage
6) Says she didn't have a miscarriage
7) She keeps lying to me and I guess this baby is going to be born anyway. Why not get back at her for lying and try to take the baby away from her?
8) I want full custody

It just seems like he's only wanting full custody for his own selfish reasons, namely revenge, and doesn't really care what's best for the baby. That is why I have yet to be convinced that he is "trying to be a good father now." It looks to me more like he's trying to hurt the mother (who I won't say is innocent in all this either) by getting the baby.

Hope everything works out and I will post those numbers tonight. Good luck![/QUOTE]



Actually you are not allowed to post names and numbers of Attorneys - this site is sponsored by and paid for by Attorneys and it is unfair to them to post information which takes business away from them.

Yeah the wanting her to get an abortion NOW want full custody puzzles me a bit too
All I could guess was want to make up by being a good father and don't want her to get child support

Okay, you guys are all bashing this man b/c of the whole abortion thing in the beginning of the preganancy! !

I must disagree. First, I am not anti-abortion. While its not a choice I would make, I understand the reasons behind making the choice.

My points here are based not on what decisions were made, but the WAY the decisions were made. My suspicions are that the OP put a lot of pressure (whether knowingly or unknowingly) on the girl and she went along with things not because she wanted to but because he did. It could have very well been the other way around, him wanting her to keep the child and she wanting to abort.

Yes, they were probably both scared, and like I said, it was their choice to get an abortion, and that's not the real issue right now. I just don't understand how you can go from not wanting the kid (be it through abortion, adoption, just not seeing it or whatever, which are all valid choices a person can make) to wanting the other parent (who obviously wasn't as comfortable about the choice, which is why I suspect she didn't go through with it) to not have the kid and to keep the kid for yourself. I don't get that at all, and if someone, namely the OP, could explain, I would be more than willing to listen and take what he says with an open mind. What I'm getting right now is
1) I don't want the baby, lets get an abortion
2) OK she changed the plan, but is still getting the abortion
3) She walked out, don't know if she got rid of it
4) She says she's still pregnant
5) Says she had a miscarriage
6) Says she didn't have a miscarriage
7) She keeps lying to me and I guess this baby is going to be born anyway. Why not get back at her for lying and try to take the baby away from her?
8) I want full custody

It just seems like he's only wanting full custody for his own selfish reasons, namely revenge, and doesn't really care whats best for the baby. That is why I have yet to be convinced that he is "trying to be a good father now." It looks to me more like he's trying to hurt the mother (who I won't say is innocent in all this either) by getting the baby.



You beat me to it -

/QUOTE]



Actually you are not allowed to post names and numbers of Attorneys - this site is sponsored by and paid for by Attorneys and it is unfair to them to post information which takes business away from them.


I am not going to post specific attonrney's information. I am going to post organizations that may be able to help him in the state of California, they would be useful to more people then just him. I got all of this information when I was in a domestic violence shelter while I was living in California. Thanks for the concern.

I am not going to post specific attonrney's information. I am going to post organizations that may be able to help him in the state of California, they would be useful to more people then just him. I got all of this information when I was in a domestic violence shelter while I was living in California. Thanks for the concern.



I didn't read the post about the shelters. I was responding to this: "So, call around and talk to a few lawyers. What part of California are you in? I know some lawyers in Orange county that give free legal advice that you can call, I have to get the information if you need it."

I must disagree. First, I am not anti-abortion. while its not a choice I would make, I understand the reasons behind making the choice.

My points here are based not on what decisions were made, but the WAY the decisions were made. My suspicions are that the OP put a lot of pressure (whether knowingly or unknowingly) on the girl and she went along with things not because she wanted to but because he did. It could have very well been the other way around, him wanting her to keep the child and she wanting to abort.


You are only hearing one side of the story! If she didn't want the abortion then she wouldn't have even gone to the doctor's office. So, the thought had to have crossed her mind in order for her to go. He couldn't have forced her to get an abortion. She would have had to make that decision. I agree with you on your points, it is just that is doesn't matter what the reasoning is behind the whole abortion situation. The whole point to his post is to see how he can gain full custody, which is not likely to happen and that is all that need to be said about this situation. He needs to go talk to the mother and figure things out before this child is brought into this world. This world is already screwed up enough. They need to grow up and think about what is best for their child because if they don't their child will be growing up with a lot of issues. He has every right to be a part of this child's life regardless of the fact that he was pushing the abortion.

I didn't read the post about the shelters. I was responding to this: "So, call around and talk to a few lawyers. What part of California are you in? I know some lawyers in Orange county that give free legal advice that you can call, I have to get the information if you need it."


Yea, I am sorry, that is what I wrote. I made a mistake. Thanks for pointing it out!!

You are only hearing one side of the story! If she didn't want the abortion then she wouldn't have even gone to the doctor's office. So, the thought had to have crossed her mind in order for her to go. He couldn't have forced her to get an abortion. She would have had to make that decision. I agree with you on your points, it is just that is doesn't matter what the reasoning is behind the whole abortion situation. The whole point to his post is to see how he can gain full custody, which is not likely to happen and that is all that need to be said about this situation. He needs to go talk to the mother and figure things out before this child is brought into this world. This world is already screwed up enough. They need to grow up and think about what is best for their child because if they dont' their child will be growing up with a lot of issues. He has every right to be a part of this childs life regardless of the fact that he was pushing the abortion.


I read this as more a problem with OP trying to get full custody and less an issue of visitation/support.

And I agree - lately the board is full of parents fighting over custody, visitation, trying to prevent each other from any contact with the child. They should all grow up. Or use birth control. Either or.

You are only hearing one side of the story! If she didn't want the abortion then she wouldn't have even gone to the doctor's office. So, the thought had to have crossed her mind in order for her to go.

NO I have known girls to go to the abortion clinic to claim they had an abortion but it was only a smoke and mirrors thing to keep others from badgering them to from pushing the issue further and buy time.
Sounds to me like that is very well what she may have done.

NO I have known girls to go to the abortion clinic to claim they had an abortion but it was only a smoke and mirrors thing to keep others from badgering them to from pushing the issue further and buy time.
sounds to me like that is very well what she may have done.


Exactly, sounds to YOU, like I said, you don't have all the facts or her side of the story. So, that may be true but that is not for us to say if it is true or not.

NO I have known girls to go to the abortion clinic to claim they had an abortion but it was only a smoke and mirrors thing to keep others from badgering them to from pushing the issue further and buy time.
sounds to me like that is very well what she may have done.



OP sounds somewhat like a bully, his way or the highway, standing over her - she may have gone just out of fear or to shut him up.

Or, yes, to buy time.

... and she does sound like a sneak that would do something like that.

I read this as more a problem with OP trying to get full custody and less an issue of visitation/support.

And I agree - lately the board is full of parents fighting over custody, visitation, trying to prevent each other from any contact with the child. They should all grow up. Or use birth control. Either or.


I agree. I am one of those people though, who is trying to keep my daughter's father away from us and trying to get his rights relinquished because he is on meth and when I left him he tried to slit my throat while I was holding our 1 month old baby. So please don't categorize all of us.

But I do agree on the fact that our younger generation should grow up and start thinking about what is best for their children. But, most young people are having babies and the grandparents are taking care of the child mainly while the parents fight about who can see the baby and who can't. It is ridiculous!

7) She keeps lying to me and I guess this baby is going to be born anyway. Why not get back at her for lying and try to take the baby away from her?
8) I want full custody

It just seems like he's only wanting full custody for his own selfish reasons, namely revenge, and doesn't really care whats best for the baby. That is why I have yet to be convinced that he is "trying to be a good father now." It looks to me more like he's trying to hurt the mother (who I won't say is innocent in all this either) by getting the baby.

Clearly the fact that she lied to him is very important to the OP. And it appears to me to be more important that the child. On the other hand, it could be an issue of well, the child is going to be born, so I want what's best for it. I would just need more convincing to believe that's the case.

Agreed. It could be the latter, but I'm just not seeing. Hopefully the OP will come back and try to clarify his intentions.

Comments on this post
Pharmacy27 (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/pharmacy27.html) disagrees: Your a moron

First, may I call your attention to the guidelines for using the comments feature found here:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/feedback/using-comments-feature-24951.html

You are entitled to your opinion, but expressing them using the comments feature was inappropriate. However, I stand by what I said. Obviously, several others read similar things into your posts, so I may have been wrong, but my interpretations appear reasonable. This hardly qualifies me as a "moron".

I notice that rather then try to present arguments to the points I made, you resort to name-calling (a violation of the rules of this site, by the way). This makes me all the more convinced that I am right. You want to dissuade me? Then post something to argue against the conclusions I reached. Just name calling wil do nothing but result in your being banned.


I apologize for calling you a moron. Just I don't think that a girl who can lie about a serious subject like a kid should have one. Its not a toy once it's there you can't return it. So and she has threatened to leave me with it. She has threatened to go to Colorado with it. Anything you can think of she has said. And it hurts I'm sorry I'm a man and not a little boy and if this is coming, nothing is going to stop it, I'm going to have to man up and handle the situation.

You are only hearing one side of the story! If she didn't want the abortion then she wouldn't have even gone to the doctor's office. So, the thought had to have crossed her mind in order for her to go. He couldn't have forced her to get an abortion. She would have had to make that decision. I agree with you on your points, it is just that is doesn't matter what the reasoning is behind the whole abortion situation. The whole point to his post is to see how he can gain full custody, which is not likely to happen and that is all that need to be said about this situation. He needs to go talk to the mother and figure things out before this child is brought into this world. This world is already screwed up enough. They need to grow up and think about what is best for their child because if they dont' their child will be growing up with a lot of issues. He has every right to be a part of this childs life regardless of the fact that he was pushing the abortion.

Yes we are only hearing one side of the story, so we have to make judgements based on that side.

But I disagree with you in saying that she must have wanted the abortion if she went to the clinic. Whiule she couldn't be forced to actually go through the procedure, she could have been pressured to go to the clinic and then changed her mind.

Nor am I saying that he doesn't have a right to be part of the chilkd's life. But I still think there are other issues at play here.

i apologize for calling you a moron. just i dont think that a girl who can lie about a serious subject like a kid should have one. its not a toy once its there you can't return it. so and she has threatened to leave me with it. she has threatened to go to colorado with it. anything you can think of she has said. and it hurts im sorry im a man and not a little boy and if this is coming, nothing is gonna stop it, im going to have to man up and handle the situation.

First, I must again point out the guidelines for using the comments feature. Your rating of Judy's respons was also inapporpriate. Please check the link I gave you.

Second, Yes you need to step up and be a man, not a bully. I'm sorry, but you continue to sound like one. Yes, she sounds like she needs to grow up a lot. But you can't imagine all the pressure and changes she is being subjected to you, not the least of which seems to be coming from you. So you need to be more supportive of her not antagonistic

Comments on this post
Pharmacy27 agrees: Because its too late to turn around and I couldn't picture my own kid to grow up without a father



But you want him/her to grow up without a mother?

You need to work out some compromise with her. Make amends with her for the sake of the baby. Go to court and work out something reasonable.

[QUOTE=Pharmacy27 disagrees: I believe i asked for supportive advice, why even waste your time writing[/QUOTE]



If you want "supportive advice" (which I would assume is not legal advice) go on a message or chat board - or go on the Oprah Show. If you want legal advice, post here.

You are out of line - so far you've attacked both Scott and me, both times in total violation of the rules of the Board.

But you want him/her to grow up without a mother?

If she threatens to give me the kid and never see me again... whether she means it or not.. doesn't deserve it, children are not games or collectibles. So if she doesn't want to be there, I don't need her help...

If you want "supportive advice" (which I would assume is not legal advice) go on a message or chat board - or go on the Oprah Show. If you want legal advice, post here.

You are out of line - so far you've attacked both Scott and me, both times in total violation of the rules of the Board.

Lol the word attacked is very harsh. I shot down both of your negative responses. It was really clear that I was specifically asking for help/POSITIVE ADVICE. That's all but lol attacked... lol

Granted, children should never be used like pawns. But there's a difference between her giving you the kid and leaving and you taking the child from her. I still don't understand your reasoning for that. It's all well and good that you want to do right by your kid, but what is your reason for trying to get full custody? In your original post, you said, "now she is telling me that she doesn't want me to be a part of the little girls life." That doesn't sound like she is wanting you to have the kid so she can bolt.

From my perspective, this all looks like (and correct me if I'm wrong) you got her pregnant, you decided to have an abortion (and either you suggested it and offered to pay and she thought that would make you happy so she agreed, or you bullied her into it, or something in between, which I think is closer to reality), and she had been going back and forth on whether she is pregnant, now you assume (rightfully so, since she hasn't been giving any straight answers apparently) that she is indeed pregnant and you are about to have a daughter. I hope what I have said thus far is accurate, because from there I think we are not in agreement.

Now, she is wanting you out of her life and her daughters, you are hurt that she lied to you, she has not proven to be an unfit mother, but because she's lied to you you want to hurt her back and taking the baby would be the best way to do that. You don't want your daughter growing up without a father, but growing up without a mother is OK. Now you say she says she is going to dump the baby on you and leave (which is not in line with what she has done so far, what with nixing the abortion to keep it and trying to make you believe there is no baby, presumably so you won't have anything to do with the child), and you want full custody because of that.

Let me make this simpler:
She has acted in a way that makes me think that she wants to keep the baby. She didn't go through with the abortion, and in what I assume to be an effort to keep you from the baby, has told you that she had a miscarriage, and later her conscious got to her and she came clean.
You have acted in a way that makes me think you are just trying to get back at her. You wanted her to go through with the abortion, then found out she didn't and instead had a miscarriage which she blamed on you, making you feel horrible. Now, you found out that she didn't have a miscarriage either. You are hurt that she didn't go through with the abortion, not necessarily because now you're having a baby, but because she didn't include you in the decision she ultimately made. You are hurt that she lied to you about the miscarriage and it being your fault. She made you feel horrible about it and it wasn't true. You are perhaps hurt that she doesn't want you in her life anymore. So now you want to get back at her.

I have a few questions:
1) Did you break up before or after you found out you were pregnant, and if after, at what point?
2) What would you say to the judge to prove that she is an unfit mother and you deserve full custody of the baby? Is there something besides what you have told us that makes her unfit to parent?
3) If you got joint custody, would that be acceptable, or would it have to be all or nothing?
4) You said you are 19 and she is 22. How do you expect to care for the child? She lives with family who can help her out. Do you have a job, money, stable home?

Please try to help me understand. I want to believe you only want what is best, but all I am seeing is you are hurt that she didn't listen to you and lied to you, and then you suddenly go from not wanting the baby to wanting only you to have the baby. You see how this looks, right?

lol the word attacked is very harsh. i shot down both of your negative responses. it was really clear that i was specifically asking for help/POSITIVE ADVICE. thats all but lol attacked... lol

No, you didn't shoot down anything. To shoot something down you have to present logical and/or factual arguments to the points made. All you did was violate the guidelines for this site in giving negative comments to our responses.

And it's that attitude that helps to prove our comments likely if not correct. Yes you asked for advice, and you have been given advice. A lot of very good advice. But sometimes, the advice we give is colored by our impressions of the situation. And that's what is happeneing here. Several of us have gotten the same impression from your posts. That you pressured, possibly even bullied, her into getting an abortion. And what has ensued is her reaction, a fairly natural reaction, to that pressure. You may not have intended to pressure her, but it is likely In my opinion that you did. And I still think you are pressuring/bullying.

I think you need to approach this like you will be equal PARTNERS in raising this child. And that you will need to support each other in doing so.

People make rash statements they do not mean all the time especially when they feel they are not getting anywhere in an argument. Just because she said she is leaving the baby with you never meant she ever intended to follow up on it. If she said she was taking the baby and leaving to Colorado right after that it sounds to me like she is trying to push your buttons just to get a reaction of what do you want.
She most likely felt 'safe' saying she was going to leave the baby with you because she assumed you would not want it since you were pushing her for an abortion.

I am getting the feeling that she actually wants to be with you and work things out but feels you are through with her so she doesn't have that as an option.

lol the word attacked is very harsh. i shot down both of your negative responses. it was really clear that i was specifically asking for help/POSITIVE ADVICE. thats all but lol attacked... lol


This is a legal board - there aren't two categories, positive advice and negative advice (a/k/a "advice you don't want to hear").

It's either the law or it isn't.

(And I think calling somebody an idiot is a personal attack - )

Perhaps the girl is just playing games for attention. None of this sounds like rational normal behavior. Tell me this... haven't we all heard these stories before of girls that claim to be pregnant and really aren't. Young women and girls that are really pregnant are generally not riding the crazy train going back and forth back and forth, scared or not. Is he the only man she is involved with, could it be someone else's child and she can't decide who's it is. Has he actually seen her pregnant? Let's advise him appropriately... My advise would be.. wait it out. Time will tell. If this girl has a baby within nine months of the last time you were intimate with her, get a blood test, if it's yours go from there. My guess it won't get that far. Good Luck, perhaps find a more stable girl to involve yourself with and then wear a condom.

perhaps the girl is just playing games for attention. None of this sounds like rational normal behavior. Tell me this... how would she know the baby is a girl already? Come on people... we have all heard these stories before of girls that claim to be pregnant and really aren't. Young women and girls that are really preganant are generally not riding the crazy train going back and forth back and forth, scared or not. Let's advise him appropriately... My advise would be..wait it out. Time will tell. If this girl has a baby within nine months of the last time you were intimate with her, get a blood test, if it's yours go from there. My guess it won't get that far. Good Luck, perhaps find a more stable girl to involve yourself with and then wear a condom.



I don't know why you think the advice given so far is inappropriate and, therefore, "we" should give appropriate advice from here on - ?

The question was can he get full custody and it's been answered and answered and answered according to the law.

It's not so much that I think it's inappropriate as much as just riddles. This girl is pulling his chain for a reason and who knows what it is. I thought it important to get him thinking in other directions or at least asking some additional questions. No offense toward any previous posts. Further more, full custody isn't going to be denied on the fact that at a young age he suggested abortion. It would be decided on the more stable, able to provide a good home parent. Not saying that it would be him or her, but she isn't exactly looking balanced at the moment.

I did bring all that up throughout the post.
Some of it was answered some was not but he has gotten the general idea now... I hope.

I did bring all that up throughout the post.
Some of it was answered some was not but he has gotten the general idea now....I hope.



Why do I doubt that? :D

It's not so much that I think it's inappropriate as much as just riddles. This girl is pulling his chain for a reason and who knows what it is.

I disagree. I don't think you really read the other responses. What we have done is provide accurate answers according to the law. In addition, we have provided advice according to our interpretion of the situation.


I don't know if this girl is pulling his chain or reacting to the pressure he's laying on her. We may never know.

I disagree. I don't think you really read the other responses. What we have done is provide accurate answers according to the law. In addition, we have provided advice according to our interpretion of the situation.


I dont know if this girl is pulling his chain or reacting to the pressure he's laying on her. We may never know.



Nor, as I keep whispering to myself in my corner of the room, does it much matter -

He asked, we answered - a lot of the rest of this belongs on the relationship board.

Granted, children should never be used like pawns. But there's a difference between her giving you the kid and leaving and you taking the child from her. I still don't understand your reasoning for that. It's all well and good that you want to do right by your kid, but what is your reason for trying to get full custody? In your original post, you said, "now she is telling me that she doesn't want me to be a part of the little girls life." That doesn't sound like she is wanting you to have the kid so she can bolt.

From my perspective, this all looks like (and correct me if I'm wrong) you got her pregnant, you decided to have an abortion (and either you suggested it and offered to pay and she thought that would make you happy so she agreed, or you bullied her into it, or something in between, which I think is closer to reality), and she had been going back and forth on whether or not she is pregnant, now you assume (rightfully so, since she hasn't been giving any straight answers apparently) that she is indeed pregnant and you are about to have a daughter. I hope what I have said thus far is accurate, because from there I think we are not in agreement.

Now, she is wanting you out of her life and her daughters, you are hurt that she lied to you, she has not proven to be an unfit mother, but because she's lied to you you want to hurt her back and taking the baby would be the best way to do that. You don't want your daughter growing up without a father, but growing up without a mother is ok. Now you say she says she is going to dump the baby on you and leave (which is not in line with what she has done so far, what with nixing the abortion to keep it and trying to make you believe there is no baby, presumably so you won't have anything to do with the child), and you want full custody because of that.

Let me make this simpler:
She has acted in a way that makes me think that she wants to keep the baby. She didn't go through with the abortion, and in what I assume to be an effort to keep you from the baby, has told you that she had a miscarriage, and later her conscious got to her and she came clean.
You have acted in a way that makes me think you are just trying to get back at her. You wanted her to go through with the abortion, then found out she didn't and instead had a miscarriage which she blamed on you, making you feel horrible. Now, you found out that she didn't have a miscarriage either. You are hurt that she didn't go through with the abortion, not necessarily because now you're having a baby, but because she didn't include you in the decision she ultimately made. You are hurt that she lied to you about the miscarriage and it being your fault. She made you feel horrible about it and it wasn't true. You are perhaps hurt that she doesn't want you in her life anymore. So now you want to get back at her.

I have a few questions:
1) Did you break up before or after you found out you were pregnant, and if after, at what point?
2) What would you say to the judge to prove that she is an unfit mother and you deserve full custody of the baby? Is there something besides what you have told us that makes her unfit to parent?
3) If you got joint custody, would that be acceptable, or would it have to be all or nothing?
4) You said you are 19 and she is 22. How do you expect to care for the child? She lives with family who can help her out. Do you have a job, money, stable home?

Please try to help me understand. I want to believe you only want what is best, but all I am seeing is you are hurt that she didn't listen to you and lied to you, and then you suddenly go from not wanting the baby to wanting only you to have the baby. You see how this looks, right?

Well... the whole she wants to dump the baby on me yeah she said that about 4 days ago I think...

1) Did you break up before or after you found out you were pregnant, and if after, at what point?

- um... I never did but she use to play little games and brake up with me every other day, pretty much

2) What would you say to the judge to prove that she is an unfit mother and you deserve full custody of the baby? Is there something besides what you have told us that makes her unfit to parent?

- she has no family willing to help her with this child nor does she have a vehicle or money to support this child as well.

3) If you got joint custody, would that be acceptable, or would it have to be all or nothing?

- If that were to happen I would want to be the primary parent, or what ever it is called..

4) You said you are 19 and she is 22. How do you expect to care for the child? She lives with family who can help her out. Do you have a job, money, stable home?

-.. to be honest... I just got kicked out of my house I don't have a job YET. But I'm pulling some strings, but money I have nothing to worry about and I have a mother who is more than willing to help me. As well as my sister.

To get full custody you would have to actually prove she is a seriously unfit mother.
For the Judge to grant you even primary custody you would have to have a stable home and steady income.

to get full custody you would have to actually prove she is a seriously unfit mother.
For the Judge to grant you even primary custody you would have to have a stable home and steady income.

That is already completed

to get full custody you would have to actually prove she is a seriously unfit mother.
For the Judge to grant you even primary custody you would have to have a stable home and steady income.


To say nothing of a mother who is dangerous to the child and a custodial parent who has made acceptable arrangements for child care when he/she is working as well as a supportive family.

And here's a problem. OP also said:

[QUOTE:Pharmacy27] "she has no family willing to help her with this child nor does she have a vehicle or money to support this child as well."[QUOTE][/B]

Having a vehicle has nothing to do with custody and the child will (at least partially) be supported by the OP.

[B][QUOTE:Pharmacy27] ".. to be honest... i just got kicked out of my house i dont have a job YET. but im pulling some strings, but money i have nothing to worry about and i have a mother who is more than willing to help me. as well as my sister.

So he's either working or he's not. I don't see any Court reviewing this situation and determing this is in the best interest of the child. Court will also wonder what the user name means, just what profession the OP is in, as well as what "pulling strings" means.

Hopefully the OP will come back after the baby is born and update us.

You don't get to buy your way to full custody or even primary parenthood. It's not really about who has more money here. It's about who would the child be better with. For example, if you're a millionaire who does drugs and parties all the time and she's barely getting by but has support of family and is maybe going to school or something, the court will put the baby with the mother, no doubt.

"She is 22 and lives with her mom and dad and two sisters who are older than her and brother."
"she has no family willing to help her with this child nor does she have a vehicle or money to support this child as well."
I don't understand, you mean to say she lives with her parents and three other siblings and they refuse to help her when the baby comes?

As far as your custody thing, it all comes down to the situation. If you have money because you sell drugs, then it doesn't necessarily work in your favor now does it? I don't think we're getting the full, unbiased story here, nor do we even know her side, like the judge will, so the best I can tell you is with what you told us, you probably will at best get joint custody. I personally am betting on the mother at least getting primary and you get visitation and child support. Sorry. I wish the baby luck. And the judge.

well... the whole she wants to dump the baby on me yeah she said that about 4 days ago i think...

1) Did you break up before or after you found out you were pregnant, and if after, at what point?

- um... i never did but she use to play little games and brake up with me every other day, pretty much

2) What would you say to the judge to prove that she is an unfit mother and you deserve full custody of the baby? Is there something besides what you have told us that makes her unfit to parent?

- she has no family willing to help her with this child nor does she have a vehicle or money to support this child as well.

3) If you got joint custody, would that be acceptable, or would it have to be all or nothing?

- If that were to happen i would want to be the primary parent, or what ever it is called..

4) You said you are 19 and she is 22. How do you expect to care for the child? She lives with family who can help her out. Do you have a job, money, stable home?

-.. to be honest... i just got kicked out of my house i dont have a job YET. but im pulling some strings, but money i have nothing to worry about and i have a mother who is more than willing to help me. as well as my sister.


Just to let you know, you have to have a job and a stable home if you are trying to get custody of this kid, even joint custody. Having a child is very expensive. I pay $540 a month for daycare and my daughter is now 3. It is more expensive the younger they are. So keep that in mind. You may think that all of this is going to be easy. Instead of you two fighting over who is going to get custody, you need to be fighting about neither one of you having a job. You need to be fighting about your child's future. You don't need to be fighting with each other!!

that is already completed
How is already completed? Because you say she is a nutjob? It goes on the proof that you have. If you have no job or home and she does (even if it is her parents) then you will look like the unfit parent, not her. I am not trying to put you down or discourage you, I am just letting you know the facts.