This is likely to be huge and semi-rambling, but I've been stewing on it for months and figured that too much information would be better than too little.

My boyfriend and I have been together (this time, we did take a break in which I did have another sexual partner, which really screwed things up) since early September 2006. Originally since his seventeenth birthday. He'll be twenty this August; I'll be twenty next March. I'm five and a half months pregnant. We've both had previous sexual partners, were both tested for STDs (clean), and originally were from different areas. (Pennsylvania and Washington.) I know I can't still expect sex thirteen times in two days, that was the I-haven't-seen-you-in-four-months sex. I'm kind of feeling like a nympho even, just for wanting to enjoy our sex life baby-free for another 4.5 months. We were fighting a lot the first 6 months we lived together, and off-and-on up until about the last two or three weeks. Money, we're both pretty young, no car, no apartment (living with my mother). He's even said some pretty ugly sex-oriented insults (e.g. "backwater -guzzling whore") When I've tried to talk to him about the lack of sex and what we could do, he gets upset or just shuts down completely. For some reason, he always thinks I'm yelling at him, even in unrelated things. Recently, he's been talking about getting married. He does have a physically demanding job, works 40+ hours a week, and we were having trouble with the pregnancy. I've felt great the past two months, told him as much, and the last time we did have sex, it was wonderful - no pain, no cramping whatsoever. I don't think it's fear of hurting the baby, this has been a problem since we started living together in September of 2007. I honestly can't see marrying him, even if I do love him and we're having a baby, if we can't work this situation out. I know that stress plays a huge part in this, and he does have depression issues. It's a chemical imbalance and he doesn't have health insurance (new job as of March, gets coverage in September.) I'm fully insured, as is the baby upon birth, so I don't think that could be weighing on him. I don't have a job, and won't have much luck getting hired until after the baby, but money isn't horribly tight. We usually have enough to go out to dinner and we get video games and things. He doesn't have his license, but we're working on that. He's said that he doesn't miss his family and friends, but he won't call two of them (grandfather and his best friend). I know it's because it makes him sad, I went through the same thing with my family when I moved there in September. We moved to Pennsylvania in January, the situation wasn't working well in Washington, I didn't get along with his mother. I've told him that I enjoyed Washington, but that my mother (who was in an accident around the time we moved to Washington and is still healing) needed some help around the house. In early March, my older sister and her fiancé moved in with my mother. My older sister (and I) have both been diagnosed with PTSD. My father was abusive, but not sexually. I was raped at thirteen by a twenty-one year old, but have gotten past that. My choices following that weren't very good, and I have had multiple partners, with and without condoms. Thankfully, no STDs or previous pregnancies. I know these things did effect the relationship; he's had two previous partners. I've had ten. Also, none of mine were relationships; I know my past effected him a lot. I used to cut. (Including during our relationship, though not in a few months) Our families have been very supportive of the pregnancy (his aunt just spent upwards of three hundred dollars), except for his paternal uncle - he hasn't called or answered calls, so is either angry or doesn't even yet know. He did say once that mornings were best for me to initiate sex (he doesn't initiate. Ever. His idea of initiating sex is saying "I'm horny." Romantic, huh?), and I have tried other times as well. He pulls away from me, or says "what are you doing?" etc. I understand that he works nine hour shifts, and the car ride is a long one, so he only has 13-14 hours to eat, sleep, bathe (which doesn't happen often, grooming apparently isn't high up on his to-do list, his teeth have grown fur), and relax. My sister's fiancé has tried to commit suicide multiple times in the past year (upwards of 8, not sure of the exact number anymore) and, since we live together, that probably effects him. It hasn't happened for a few weeks now, thankfully, but we all sort of adopted a wait-and-see approach. There's even a phone number for our closest dispatch center taped to our wall. So I know that can't be helping his libido. My family isn't well-to-do or anything, my mother is on SSI, she has medication-controlled multiple personality disorder. With his age, I really was stumped at first, even to the point of accusing him of cheating, which just drove us further apart. I've tried to be more supportive, but enough is really enough. He says he loves me, still finds me attractive (new stretch marks and all), and this really is the only problem in our relationship at this point. I've, for the most part, stopped accusing him of everything. When I do, I've tried letting it go, and joking about it (e.g. "Nice cleavage, wasn't it?") It's hard to dress up with the belly, I've taken to wearing pajama pants and his t-shirts, but we are planning to go on a "real date" soon. I bathe and shave and wear deodorant, I don't smell, I brush my teeth and hair, I'm not a walking zit (a few small ones once in awhile). When we do have sex, there isn't much foreplay (I guess I'm unlucky enough to be one of those hell-yeah-let's-go women), which is very disappointing. When there is foreplay, it's usually aimed toward him. A lot of the time, we don't even kiss. I didn't have many friends here before, but have made friends with a few people that he works with. (He works at Wal-Mart, and while I am friends with one of the guys on his crew, I'm not hanging off him when I visit. He's more clingy [not in a bad way] than I am.) I worked at the same store previously (before we lived together) and made friends with a 26-year-old married woman. We visit them once or twice a month, and play video games and what-not, so he made friends with her husband (or so I think, maybe not.. her husband has some male-PMS thing sometimes) He's made friends, and I've encouraged him to do some outside-work things with them. So far, no luck. I'm hoping that I'm presenting a more self-sufficient image of myself now, and that he'll appreciate that I talk to other people, male and female. I guess I'm trying to branch out and maybe give us some time apart.

So other than the lack of sex and the same old sex, everything's great. I'd really appreciate any insight you might have as to what's going on in his head, and any help you could give me (us) going beyond this problem.

Thanks in advance.

Jessika

Sorry but he does not sound like the one for you he is too abusive (actually abusive full stop) and you sound like you are at least caring about your personal hygeine-he stinks physically and mentally-I think it may be time to move on, you are in some real dire straits with much of your life at the moment-he is not helping the situo...

Poor personal hygene can be a sign of depression. It's a common issue among the mentally disabled people I have worked with. It is likely a problem smelled by his co-workers too. My husband and father-in-law both need to be told to bathe and to brush their teeth daily. They have no mental disabilities or signs of depression. But they smile and go do it when asked.

In September he can see a physician and hopefully he will begin to explore his negative mood. In the meantime you wait, and get verbally attacked when you suggest sex. Sadly, he may never change. Do you want to be married to someone who consistently fails to meet you half-way?

You can't change him. He has to be willing to make changes himself, and he may choose not to, ever. I would not marry him. I would not even wash his clothes and dishes. He needs to grow up. Continue being the kind thoughtful person you are becoming, but don't let him walk on you or verbally abuse you. You deserve better.

I think a guy who works full time or more at Wal*Mart deals with a lot of aggravation on a daily and hourly basis... my best friend works at WM, and I hear a lot of what goes on there. She is currently working on the dock and last week two employees had a screaming match, four letter words and all, the tension level was high out there.

From what you describe, it sounds like he might feel you are being controlling and he doesn't like that.

I recommend that you two go out to dinner and have a nice pleasant talk, relax and enjoy each others company. Hold hands and hug and kiss after dinner as you take a nice walk under the stars.

Best wishes,

A lot of issues there.

Many angles of stress, a history of depression, a history of sex that isn't balanced (disappointing for you), accusations of cheating, no personal, private space, and on and on...

I can tell you this much... I'm in a good relationship, ten years with my wife... and the first year or so married and the first year or so after my son was born were among to most stressful. The highs are high and the lows are deep.

I'm not saying you should just settle for things as they are. But just one of those things can kill libido. Being in a place where you have no privacy can do it. Being exhausted can do it. Being stressed financially can do it.

So... all you can do is talk to him about it and try to do it in a way that is an open discussion about what you like, not what you aren't getting. Before you try to get into his pants try to get into his head. Intimate touch, sensual touch, these are missing.

I know your drive is higher than his. My drive is higher than my partner's. How do I not go mad? I need to understand that when she is tired and distracted, that sex would only be "servicing" me. She wouldn't be in it. That's no free pass for her to be neglectful, but I do need to differentiate between being neglectful and being distracted. It isn't the same thing.

Also, you have to talk about sex when its good. When things are right. If its only brought up when things are a mess, then the discussion becomes associated with that stress. Open, real communication is tough... we get in our own way, we get defensive, hurt, mad. But the simple most important thing you can do to have a good sex life is to have communication where you are heard and you listen to your partner. Doesn't mean you have perfect overlap. Doesn't mean there aren't issues to work around. But you both need to be able to talk about your life in and outside the bedroom and have it be as open as possible.

You are anxious and stressed about sex now because a child is on the way. You see your window for sex closing fast. He might have many issues, but this is one that you own.

Yes... having a child can really change the dynamics of the bedroom. It takes work and deliberate effort to stay connected through an uncertain time.

I think you both need to find a way to get some footing, not just in the bedroom. You both need to talk about what the future is and how you can improve your situation. How long will it take to be able to afford your own place? What are his goals and your goals and how can you reach them? If you don't plan, you are just subject to what life throws at you.

My wife was a young single mother at 21. Shed been sexually abused as a teen. Wild girl in HS. Having the child centered her. She understood that this child owned none of her problems. In many ways it "straightened" her out, forcing her to plan, to have more structure, to find a way to a better place.

I can't tell you that you should stay or go... I can say there are a lot of reasons to have a stressed bedroom life right now. Time to talk about the things you can do to improve that, even if its long term. If you can't talk about the long term, then you settle for whatever happens as it happens.