Hi there,

My situation is like this. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. We love each other very much. He was my first and I was his first but our sex life is problematic. The first attempts were a failure because he was so nervous that he couldn't maintain an erection. I always told him not to worry that we both have a lot to learn and plenty of time to do it, and I meant it.

I figured out early on that he doesn't know anything about female anatomy so I tried to tell him a bit about how different we are to men but he got so embarrassed I gave up. I tried to get him to read together info on the net, but again, I got the feeling he just wasn't interested and I gave up.

The times when we managed to do it, it seemed everything was going wrong -- we couldn't get into the same rhythm and it was such hard work that sometimes he gave up. He takes a long time to come. The last year the attempts have been far and few in between.

I think the idea of failure scares him and the more time passes in between times, the more nervous he gets, which doesn't help. And I'm scared for him. Every time afterwards he asks almost in a whisper how it was for me. Basically he just goes in and hopes for the best. I try telling him we shouldn't focus on the end goal -- orgasm -- and just enjoy the experience but I don't think I'm getting through to him.

As for me, I tried masturbating a few times before him but never with any success and then about a year ago I got myself a vibrator which he knows about, not that he seemed that pleased about it but he seemed to understand my need to learn about my own body.

I can now orgasm with it and in the shower (although it takes a long time) which for me is a breakthrough and I told him so. He seems mortified that I masturbate. He knows I once thought something was wrong with me because I couldn't orgasm.

The thing is, I never tried to put pressure on myself to come during intercourse because I know I have so much more to learn about my body and it will all come in due time. I just try to enjoy the experience but it's difficult when I know how easily his ego is bruised.

My boyfriend is such a contrast. He puts so much pressure on himself and yet doesn't take initiative to learn about the human body, either his or mine and I don't understand why. I don't know what's going on in his head. He should at least want to learn about his own body if not about mine, shouldn't he? I just don't understand.

I read a lot about male and female sexuality in order to better understand ourselves. He doesn't masturbate and gets easily embarrassed by anything sexual. I know he has a complex about losing his virginity at 24. His father mocked him about it endlessly, I believe.

If I could just help him open up towards talking and learning about sex, getting over his inhibitions (I'm embarrassed to talk about it too but I make the effort), I think it would be easier to read and learn about it together instead of sticking our heads in the sand and hope for the best.

I'd like him to masturbate, to think of himself as a sexual being, to be interested in new things, to be eager to learn about the male and female body. How do I do that? Could this really be the start to solving our problems? Am I going about this all wrong?

I found some great articles on female sexuality that would help him understand a lot more (I know they helped me) but I just get a feeling he's not interested so I never brought them up. Or maybe he is but he's just too embarrassed?

Another concern of mine is: what if I can never come without a vibrator? Will he ever understand that it's not him and my orgasm is my own? Will he ever be able to accept that? If I give him the vibrator and the complete control to use it on me, will he be able to do it, will he even want to? Will he ever understand it's just a tool and not a replacement? God, I'm embarrassed to even contemplate this scenario.

I'd like us to have a slow foreplay session where we could just spend time learning about our likes and dislikes without the pressure of intercourse. We would just spend time finding our erogenous zones and enjoying ourselves. Good or bad idea?

I'm sure some of you will say it takes time and just use every occasion to learn about each other. I'm just afraid that any foreplay will lead to intercourse which will make him feel inadequate in the end. Plus, I feel it's necessary to also be educated about the human body and sexuality, practice is not enough on its own.

Please help, I don't know what to do.

Thanks

Sounds like you have a boyfriend who is being passive-aggressively selfish here.

Look--if you can't talk about sex, you won't have good sex. He NEEDS to get over himself, and needs to make an effort to understand YOUR body.

I'm not one for using sex as a weapon, but if I were you I'd cut him off. I'd point out that he has made NO effort to learn your body, and your triggers and that honestly--the best sex is from two people who are really into pleasing each other, who get pleasure from the other person's pleasure.

Maybe he needs to talk to a therapist/counselor about his sexuality? You have very good ideas on what to do... I just have no idea how you can make him go along with those ideas.

I did think about that but in every other respect he's anything but selfish, in fact, he's one of the most considerate and thoughtful men I've ever met. But maybe on a subconscious level...

I don't think cutting him off from sex will solve anything, he'll just go without it. He rarely takes the initiative anyway and when he does he's very subtle... almost afraid.

This is what I don't get. I thought men were sexual creatures, if they don't get 'it' from their partner, they'll find some other way to get it, but I'm sure he doesn't get it elsewhere.

I also wondered once or twice if he might be gay without him realizing it because there are sides to him that are more... feminine but that doesn't mean anything, we all have male and feminine sides to us. Plus, he's really narrow minded about homosexuality and rejects it completely (yes, I know, I try to get him more open-minded).

As for therapy, he already goes to a therapist about problems at home from his childhood (hid father verbally abused him since he was very young) but I'm fairly sure he doesn't talk about his sexuality during sessions.

Is this relationship doomed? Am I in over my head with this one?

Well, no--I don't think your relationship is doomed, necessarily. But you may, at some point, need to decide if he makes you happy enough in every other way for the sex thing not to matter to you--and you may have to just accept that that's the way he is, no complaints, no resentments, whatever. That's hard to do, because it kind of IS an ego blow to you to have him not want you or want to please you in bed like you'd like him to.

I guess the question is this: Is he open and able to talk to you about everything ELSE with no issues?

The thing is, sexuality is so linked to our egos. No one wants to think they're not good in bed, and people are embarrassed when anyone says they might not be. Have you tried asking him WHY he doesn't like to talk about sex with you?

Maybe you could suggest making a night every week as a night that you're going to talk about sexuality, and experiment together without it leading to sex?

I guess the question is this: Is he open and able to talk to you about everything ELSE with no issues?


It took ages for him to tell me about his childhood problems and the times when he told me about the most serious episodes were very emotional but he now has no problem talking to me about it, he even tells me what he talks to his therapist without me prompting him.



Maybe you could suggest making a night every week as a night that you're going to talk about sexuality, and experiment together without it leading to sex?

That's a good idea. What would happen if I confronted him and asked him 'I love pleasuring you but do you feel the same about me? Do you want and like to pleasure me?' Would he get defensive? Would he lie to me just for the sake of the relationship?

How do I find out. If he does want to pleasure me, I have an incentive to work past whatever barriers are holding him back but if he doesn't or doesn't find me attractive, at least I'd know where I stand.

How do I find out if his behavior is a result of inhibitions, fear, nervousness or he just doesn't want me?

The thing I find most extraordinary is that he's never masturbated. Coming from a man, I find that disturbing, even in the narrow minded society we both live in.

You have to get him to open up and talk about sex with you. Here is the trick... getting him to do it. He will be embarrassed at first like he is... but getting him to force himself to do it regularly and he can overcome that shyness and embarrassment.

The best way to overcome a fear or shyness issue it to confront it... and keep confronting it until you beat it.

Once upon A time I was shy as all heck around people I didn't know. Now with those same people I used to be afrraid to approach and initiate a conversation with are likely thinking who is this guy and why won't he shut up?


Different issue but the same approach can work without concelling if he really wants to get over it. That's the key. He has to want to.

If he won't asve yourself and find someone without his problem. Most guys out there don't have it. Not all are perfect mind you, but his problem isn't common.

This situation is a mess!!

This guy has given up all his sexual power to you, plus he is telling you too much from the past... you're not his therapist, you are his lover! He is only going to get weaker and less confident, more dominated going forward into the future. There is no hope without "immediate intervention* with a sex therapist for both of you.

YOu both need clarity about your relationship, and you both need to talk about sex with someone who knows all about it... emotional, spiritual and physical aspects.

Best wishes to both of you. :)

Please do not use chat speak.

The word is "you", not "u".

I will delete all further chat speak from this thread.

I think it would be better to concentrate on the real problem than polling for a "u" here and there.. just a suggestion! :-)

Since I'm the moderator, and have already responded to this question---I was just giving fair warning.