But I love her...

I am 22 an she is 25, we live in New York. We met at the statue of liberty park about 5 months ago. I liked her from the first time I saw her. We started a conversation, that didn't end for months... One day as friends we went out, and she revealed to me a few things, she is bisexual, she's a stripper and she has done a handful of drugs in her life. I haven't done any of these, I went to a strip club with friends a couple of times, never in my life did I experience or wanted to experience homosexuality or did any drugs, not even marijuana. Our lives differ there already, but I found that overall she is a beautiful person, and I started liking her more than I ever liked anyone, forced to know that I had no right to change her lifestyle, it's what she is happy and comfortable doing and I am no one to tell her not to do what she wants. We started dating, we went around a few states on small trips, Wash DC, Jersey, PA, and visited Canada. Little by little things started to upset me. Given that I am far from judgmental, reasoning being that I enjoy having someone's trust, she started giving me more details about her life. She's had various sexual experiences with different people, she has been specific about certain types of drugs she has done and the ways she utilizes her job (without crossing the line) to get money out of men and women. She gets gift from certain people, which worries me, and she confessed how she was with an older man in the past for his money, and that she was with a very older man for him and not for the money. I've had several thought of escaping this feelings of disgust by dumping her, but never actually have done it, and when I think of doing it, it really sucks. When I look at her and hold her, have her in my arms, all to myself, the world is great, then when I am by myself, contemplating at my life, I wish I wasn't with her. The feelings are sometimes a little extreme. What to do what to do...

If she were to settle down with you, would you be able to forgive her past, or would you let it haunt you?

She's with you because it sounds like she wants to be with you, but can you accept her for who she is and her past?

At least she's not hiding things from you, she's being very honest.

It doesn't sound like you're willing to accept things, you said that you have feelings of disgust.

You're still new, still having fun, having adjustments and part of that adjustment is discovery.

Yesterday is past and a history. She can never go back to do something about it so you have to accept it or dwell with it.

What matters are what she is today, how she treats and loves you. Other than that, everything is trivial.

I can't forgive her past because no one can, I have no right to. I fully understand what she did is not right nor its wrong and not to be judged by me, only by herself. It still bothers me. Maybe it is the fact that I never went through that and she did.

She openly admits to me her unusual, but occasional drug use, when she finds herself engaged in a fun atmosphere with her friends, usually irresponsible, not very educated and many promiscuous friends. This completely disgusts me, but she loves them to death. Then I find myself involved in a romantic dinner she organized with all her heart, or saying goodnight to her sleeping by my side, starring at her gorgeous eyes, and kissing her sweet and sinful mouth; and I realize that I simply would not change these moments for anything else in the world, and I become completely happy with my life, staring at greatness in form of my woman. Only when I stay all by my lonesome, or when she confesses me a sickening tale is that I think too much about it and become frustrated, and unfortunately at times depressed.

She's still using drugs? Can you imagine this type woman to be the future bearer od your child?

This is one of the reasons that idea disgusted me

Dude... she is a stripper... your infatuated with her body and look's... the sex is probably the best you ever had... she is just going through the motions with you until something better comes along... it's the stripper way of life... enjoy the ride for what it is... a good time.

Have you tried sitting down and talking to her about this? Maybe she doesn't know that this worries you and maybe if you were to sit down and talk about it you would feel better. If she's not on drugs anymore and whatnot maybe just talking it out will help both of you. I know sometimes it's easier said than done but it really brings things out in the open and a lot of times the other person doesn't even know there's a problem. Good luck! You never know, things might work out!

Dude.........she is a stripper.......your infatuated with her body and look's......the sex is probably the best you ever had........she is just going through the motions with you until something better comes along........it's the stripper way of life.......enjoy the ride for what it is..........a good time.

I thought its just the past that you can't get over because you said "she has done a handful of drugs in her life". This time I have to agree with your friend here. U said...



She openly admits to me her unusual, but occasional drug use, when she finds herself engaged in a fun atmosphere with her friends, usually irresponsible, not very educated and many promiscuous friends.

It sounds like I'm dating a lazy uneducated druggie, who makes living by having sex with older women and faggots and fathered 8 kids to 6 mothers. But I won't ditch him because very good in bed.

If you are my dad what would you tell me?


Well this time you have a choice:

A.Accept it but dont complain.
B.If you complain better leave it!

Let her ruin her life.... Drug usage, chasing guys for MONEY (gold diggers), sexual experiences, stripping etc.

Seriously, WOULD YOU WANT TO MARRY A GIRL WITH THIS TYPE OF BACKGROUND WHO WILL BEAR YOUR CHILD?

You wouldn't be able to get over her past no matter what, even if she stopped stripping and stopped the drugs and let go of her friends. It bothers you. It ALWAYS will, so get over her and find a nice girl that doesn't do all the stuff that bothers you. You are infatuated with her looks and the ideal of what you want her to be, but she's not. She loves her friends, she seems to love her lifestyle and you can't put that behind you, so you need to move on.

If you can't accept the past, you're doomed for the future. Make the final decision to either end it now or forgive her for her past

It sounds like it more of lust than love. Love is accepting that person for who they are but its sounds like she has too much baggage and maybe you thought that you cab change her. Change happens only when the person wants it to happen. She might not be ready to change yet and its sounds like she like the life she live. So set aside the feelings that you have for her and let her get herself together. This girl have some issues she needs to resolve but again has to face it first then seek help. Its great that she was honest but do you really see a future with her. If you continue to stay without her changing you'll only become sad, feel anger toward her, and maybe depression, love don't make you feel this way. Talk and see if she is willing to change her lifestyle and if not move on.

Wow I just read the original post and thought "chasing amy".
If you can't except her past and leave it then it's just going to eat away at you and make you very paranoid, unhappy and question every little thing she says.

You really need to talk to her.
Or walk away.. I know it's hard but you can't live a life happily with someone when all you can think about is her past.

Sounds like her past IS HER future and she will not be willing to give up her ways because it is her lifestyle. You need to ask her does she plan on being a stripper forever, where does she see a relationship with you going, what changes she sees in her life between her past and now. Sounds like she doesn't want to give any of it up, but rather just find a place for you in the mix.
Some girls just do these things for survival but sounds like it has become a way of life that I don't see her just walking away from.

I say this so often: This isn't a problem with her, it's a problem with YOU. You're the one being a bit dishonest here.

All the time she's sharing this stuff with you, do you ever manage to be as honest back to her? Do you even tell her you're having trouble processing it all while still appreciative she cares about you enough to be this honest with you?

You list the things you have problems with, and most seem to be CURRENT issues, not past ones. So, continuing to court this girl while judging her as disgusting is just ODD. You're behaving oddly.

Is the sex THAT good? Good enough to completely suppress your good judgment?

Dating is about finding someone you're compatible with and building a life together. It's not about dating ANYONE and fixing them.

She's fine. I wouldn't live her life and apparently neither would you, but she's still fine with her life. If you can't be fine with her life, then stop lying to her.

Had to spread the rep JB, but that was an excellent post.

5 months is much to soon to be even thinking of the future, and having fun getting to know someone is the goal. If you don't like what your finding out, simply stop dating. No need to make an issue out of it.

The other issue is, everything about her, except these things I totally dislike... is totally lovable, not only the sex, she's caring, responsible, fun, school oriented, humanitarian, pretty, faithful (I think anyways), mature, amazing with my family and hers, as well as my friends and her own, neither prejudice nor racist, close minded or judgmental. Easy to get along with. Educated and somewhat rich in culture. To a very extended point, above many girls out there, but unfortunately, a few things make me, like someone else said, unhappy.

Well if you can't get past those few little things then you're going to have to let her go because YOUR INSECURITIES will eventually be the downfall of your relationship.

Dr Laura once told a story that REALLY is useful in situations like this.

A man was trying to help his children understand that sometime "almost perfect" is still absolutely unacceptable based on the small differences aren't small at all, they are actually massive.

So, he sat everyone down and presented them with a beautiful plate of brownies. He called them "Brownies with a Difference" because he'd taken the family's favorite recipe and added something new. The children asked what it was.

The added ingredient was dog poop. But he assured them all it was just a tiny little bit of dog poop. All other ingredients were gourmet quality and he had taken great care to bake the brownies at the precise temperature for the exact time. He was sure the brownies would be superb.

Even with their father's promise that the brownies were of almost perfect quality, the teens would not take any. The father acted surprised. After all, it was only one small part that was causing them mental angst. He was certain they would hardly notice it. Still the teens held firm and would not try the brownies.

To a very extended point, above many girls out there, but unfortunately, a few things make me, like someone else said, unhappy.So you see, no matter how good this particular plate of brownies looks to you, you still KNOW about the poop inside, and that little bit may be all it takes to make the whole thing unacceptable to you.

But you have to decide. You can't hedge about this. You have to decide.

JB, It won't let me rate it but that is an amazing story.

And its true, sometimes it's the little imperfections that ruin the rest of the item.

That is an amazing analogy, you really do show some major knowledge on these subjects. Thanks everyone for your responses and your help.

That is an amazing analogy, you really do show some major knowledge on these subjects. Thanks everyone for your responses and your help.
I appreciate the feedback. I may be officially rated as a "Software Expert" here on the forum, but I have always considered relationships a "software problem". :D :D

My life sucks even more! At least you have a girlfriend. I have no girlfriend at all! I would rather be in your shoes than being depressed and lonely all the time.