Husband of seven years spent night over at best friends home Fri & Sat nights,
Best friends for years friend recently divorced believe my husband envies his
Footloose & fancy free lifestyle. Husband & myself under tremendous stress but feel I've become more a mother than wife in last 6 months. I feel myself "checking out" have
Tried to discuss feelings with him, he just gets angry calls me paranoid nag.
Any suggestions to deal with his odd behavior of late?

Your post raises a lot of questions, and it isn't very clear what you are really asking for help with or why.

You do not say what the stress is all about that you and your husband suffer from.

Your mention of becoming more of a mother than a wife, is ambiguous. Are you saying your emotions are more about feelings for your kids than for your husband?

When he says you are paranoid, what belief of yours is he referring to?

I will tell you that many men need some time away from the constant kid/wife demands that come with having a family. Many of us feel as though our lives have slipped away from us. Sometimes when the hopes and dreams we had as younger men fade into the mundane reality of the American rat race, we seek some sort of space in which we can at least feel a little "free-er" -- as if this space allows us a moment to feel as if we had some "say," some control, in the whole process of living our lives with other people -- and the demands that all brings to the table.

As long as nothing else is going on, be happy he's not flopping in some crack house, or out drinking the booze at a public watering hole.

Try and gain some insight into what it is like from his subjective position as your husband and the father of your kids.

Husband spending night --not necessarily a big problem
He could just want to consol a friend and he is envious

BUT the underlying problem is how he is treating your marriage.
He treats you like a mother and he doesn't want to own up to his part in problems in your marriage. He doesn't take your feelings into consideration.
You need to put your foot down and ask him if HE would be just as happy if you left him.
Then tell him you want to go to marriage counseling since he seems to be able to understand or care about your feelings.
Guys are great at using little sentences to shut down things they do not want to deal with and throw back onto you as your problem. Your just paranoid is a typical one.

Husband spending night --not necessarily a big problem
he could just want to consol a friend and he is envious

BUT the underlying problem is how he is treating your marriage.
He treats you like a mother and he doesn't want to own up to his part in problems in your marriage. He doesn't take your feelings into consideration.
You need to put your foot down and ask him if HE would be just as happy if you left him.
Then tell him you want to go to marriage counseling since he seems to be able to understand or care about your feelings.
Guys are great at using little sentences to shut down things they do not want to deal with and throw back onto you as your problem. Your just paranoid is a typical one.

Thank you. You are so right in the "using of little sentences" he can dart one of those off
& consider a subject closed. I appreciate your input. Thanks again. Sagataria

Your post raises a lot of questions, and it isn't very clear what you are really asking for help with or why.

You do not say what the stress is all about that you and your husband suffer from.

Your mention of becoming more of a mother than a wife, is ambiguous. Are you saying your emotions are more about feelings for your kids than for your husband?

When he says you are paranoid, what belief of yours is he referring to?

I will tell you that many men need some time away from the constant kid/wife demands that come with having a family. Many of us feel as though our lives have slipped away from us. Sometimes when the hopes and dreams we had as younger men fade into the mundane reality of the American rat race, we seek some sort of space in which we can at least feel a little "free-er" -- as if this space allows us a moment to feel as if we had some "say," some control, in the whole process of living our lives with other people -- and the demands that all brings to the table.

As long as nothing else is going on, be happy he's not flopping in some crack house, or out drinking the booze at a public watering hole.

Try and gain some insight into what it is like from his subjective position as your husband and the father of your kids.

We have no children together, but part of the stress is litigation we are involved seeking custody of my stepdaughter who is a wonderful child. I have no other children. He is a wonderful father & this stress is our biggest burden for the last two years. Financial stress is something I believe most of us are dealing with in the current economy but we aren't in dire straits insofar as that is concerned. I work FT as well as he, our pay is comparable. I have never expected anyone to provide for me financially other than myself. This is both our second marriages & we've never had any major issues before. I like & respect his friend. My husband & I were friends, then lived together before marrying, this is both our second marriages. My husband has lost interest in dealing with our "adult responsibilities". I see that the bills are paid on time, shop for groceries alone; we use to discuss & see these things were done together. He just doesn't seem to care. I happily take on cleaning our home but he doesn't even bother putting his clothes in the hamper lately & it is not my responsibility to put them their. I've tried to talk about his might being depressed & he went ballistic refusing to even consider these are real changes in his behavior. He doesn't want to have conversations w/ me anymore... we come home from work may or may not eat supper together, then he is off to the computer to play WOW until the weekend where now he wants to spend time w/ his Dad or his friend. Only when we have our stepdaughter does he seem to not have plans. We use to make plans together but still did our own thing as well, he has shut me out. When I suggest we go to a movie or do something he just seems annoyed & makes excuses. (I went alone to see "WANTED" last night which by the way is really good I recommend it.) We bought new hardware for our kitchen cabinets 3 months ago & they are still in the bag. I will get them on eventually & he knows this, I always get things done. He has a love/hate feeling about that aspect of my personality. However, he has time to work on his friends boat, help his Dad hang windows etc. I use to not resent this but I come in last for everything lately. Both of our parents have been married 30+ years & I want that for us too, but I refuse to live a life of quiet desperation. Insofar as being paranoid, my ex husband cheated on me as well as his ex cheated on him. I don't mind if he goes to watch a fight at Hooters, or shoot pool or have a drink, but I do expect he be home at a reasonable hour, say midnight. His friend lives only 3 miles from us so that is another odd thing I find in his wanting to spend the night. Thanks for your response I appreciate the input.

Yeah, you're onto something. And his anger may be partly because you're getting in the way of whatever it is he wants to do.

Basically 2 reasons to spend the night at friend's house: as a beard, or as a place to flop when one has gotten to wasted.

What's he doing on the computer?

This may seem off the wall and unsupported, but the shutting you out -- the refusal to help out, all the passive aggressive stuff, may simply be his showing his resentment toward you for his.. . Having an affair. Crazy?

Something is up, and as a guy, I am finding it hard to defend his actions.

Want to find out? Let him go spend the night and all and then find a way to spy on him -- Maybe he's just parking his car there.

Anyway, from what you've shared, I think you are definitely on to something.

I am sorry to hear about your relationship difficulties, but unless he is going to cooperate with you as a pard, it is hopeless and you will continue to be unhappy.

Stay on top of this. Hold your ground and ask the right questions -- you have a right to as his spouse.

Peace

Yeah, you're onto something. And his anger may be partly because you're getting in the way of whatever it is he wants to do.

Basically 2 reasons to spend the night at friend's house: as a beard, or as a place to flop when one has gotten to wasted.

What's he doing on the computer?

This may seem off the wall and unsupported, but the shutting you out -- the refusal to help out, all the passive aggressive stuff, may simply be his showing his resentment toward you for his . . . . having an affair. Crazy?

Something is up, and as a guy, I am finding it hard to defend his actions.

Wanna find out? Let him go spend the night and all and then find a way to spy on him -- Maybe he's just parking his car there.

Anyway, from what you've shared, I think you are definitely on to something.

I am sorry to hear about your relationship difficulties, but unless he is going to cooperate with you as a pard, it is hopeless and you will continue to be unhappy.

Stay on top of this. Hold your ground and ask the right questions -- you have a right to as his spouse.

peace
Thank you very much. I plan on keeping my eyes & ears open but something will have to give sooner or later. He came home last evening been boating all day acting like all was well. Thank you so much for your feedback it is appreciated & valued. S

Have you begun relationship counseling? It sounds as though you need to re-establish avenues of communication. What would he think about a 'girls' weekend away'?

Just a shot in the dark, do you have friends, and activities beyond working? I think a course of action for you, during these times, is to give space, and have things you enjoy doing, especially with no kids around, and its just the two of you.

That's what he is doing, and it seems to cause some resentments on your part. Instead of being mom, and reminding him of his responsibilities, focus on you, and a life you enjoy, which I think will take the focus from expectations of his time, and how he spends it, and will change your whole perspective of your time.

Kids or no, I believe couples should give each other some room to grow, and pursue themselves, and share that happiness that comes from being independent, of each other for a time. Isn't that what got you together? Sharing time, and happiness, with each other?

Its healthy to miss your partner, as the heart does grow fonder with absence. You can't change his attitude, but you can influence it greatly with yours.

Have you begun relationship counseling? It sounds as though you need to re-establish avenues of communication. What would he think about a 'girls' weekend away'?
He wouldn't hear of counseling. He seems to think anxiety, depression, etc aren't "real" &
A cop out. I totally disagree, these are as valid as any other medical condition. We "talked"
Last evening & he said that he had planned on staying home Sat night but since I went to the movies he just decided to hang out as his friends. He says I left in "a huff". No I simply
Left because I wanted to see the movie. Thanks for your input, I'll consider a girls weekend when we can afford it!!

From what I read about his behavior, it sounds like you have turned into his "mother" and are not his wife anymore. Strewing clothes around, not talking, etc. are stuff he obviously did to his mother when he was a teenager. His friend is now without a "mother" and he kind of likes what he sees and obviously wants to relive his carefree teenager days at your expense. If you have already tried counseling and it didn't work (as you stated), don't know what else to tell you to try. The only thing you have left is YOU and your attitude. If you can change your attitude and keep it changed, then all his sloppyness, non talkativeness, etc. will fall on your deaf ears as you won't see or hear it anymore.

As for the stepdaughter, I think you're reading more stress into the situation than there really is. I think this is just a phase he's going through and the more you nag and pick at him the more he's going to stay away from home and figure out where else he can be where he's free to be whatever or whoever he wants to be. It's going to be a tough choice on your part, but you have to weigh the consequences of leaving him or him leaving you or keep on keeping on in your marriage. Marriage is give and take, not just take and take and take and give nothing back. He obviously has some growing up to do...