Here's my situation. I was raised in a strict baptist family and as the oldest of four children, a lot of pressure was put on me to be an example. I went off to a well-known fundamentalist college in southwestern virginia at age seventeen. Fast forward ten years to today. I stretched four years of college into five and never graduated. I met my present girlfriend the night before I was taking a job working on an off-shore fishing boat. Over the course of four months, we continued to talk on the phone and decided that we wanted to get married. So I quit my job and found another one in the same town she lived in. She owns a house and has two children from a marriage that she had biblical grounds for divorce from. We talked and decided that it made little sense for me to get an apartment since we are going to get married in September, so we moved in together. Her parents are not religious and could care less. I know what my parents reaction would be and so far have hid it from them, despite the fact that I HATE lying. I think it is the ultimate form of disrespect. Anyway, I think there is nothing wrong with this because I think God knows our plans and the intentions of our hearts and that we are going to get married in less than two months. And I don't recall any weddings mentioned in the Bible prior to Jesus turning water into wine in Cana. Chirstian society considers a wedding the morally right thing to do, and I want our relationship to be right in everyone's eyes which is why we both are getting married. But where did Mary and Joseph get married? And am I wrong about having good intentions and that making everything all right? I'd love to hear some opinions, especially those backed by Scripture.

We cannot assume that because something is not mentioned that it did not happen or was not important. Indeed we know that marriage occurred well before before Cana. The first formal marriage that is mentioned is in Genesis 19:14.

Gen 19:14
14 So Lot went out and spoke to his sons-in-law, who had married his daughters, and said, "Get up, get out of this place; for the LORD will destroy this city!" But to his sons-in-law he seemed to be joking.
NKJV

But we know that marriages took place well before that because there is no question at that point about what is meant by marriage, nor is it explained. Therefore it was a ceremony with which the people at that time were familiar.

Marriage is a commitment before God witnessed by the people of God (the church). It is important because, as scripture says, when a man and wife commit themselves to one another, the two flesh become one (physically through the consummation of the marriage). This provides a commitment not only to each other but also to any children which may come from that relationship. It is God's provision.

It is also symbolic of God's relationship with the church - the church is the bride of Christ, and when we have committed ourselves to Him, we are not to seek after others God. God compares that to prostitution in scripture.

Lev 20:6-7
6'And the person who turns to mediums and familiar spirits, to prostitute himself with them, I will set My face against that person and cut him off from his people. 7 Consecrate yourselves therefore, and be holy, for I am the LORD your God.
NKJV

The commitment in a marriage is therefore a very important physical commitment, and for a Christian, a spiritual commitment.

Finally, scripture also says that we are not only to do that which is right, but we are to be seen to do that which is right.

That all put together I believe speaks strongly to the fact that a man and woman are not to be living together without the benefit of a marriage commitment. I would suggest that it would be best to live apart until you are married. It may be difficult, but I believe that it will be a demonstration and a witness to unsaved friends and to her parents of the reality of your faith, and it will demonstrate how seriously you take you vows. The marriage will therefore not be just another day, but it will represent something very real and very special in your lives.

agireland,
I think you answered that question for yourself when you said that you know what you parents would think if they knew what you were doing.
Copulation outside of marriage is a no-no in many societies fro several very good reasons and it is a no-no biblically and with many different religions.
Not on;ly is it immoral, it cab be very bad for your health and,(believe it or not) very bad for your future social life with your girl friend and others.
That is not to say that many other people do and have done what you are doing.
That does not make it right.
To try to live a life that is right one must not compromise in certain difficult situations.
To do what is right when it is difficault to do so makes us grow and be stronger persons.
My advice is to move out.
Get away from the very real guilt making situation you are now in.
Believe it or not it WILL make your future marriage stronger and more precious.
I hope and pray for the best for you.
:) Peace and kindness,:)
Fred (arcura)

I know what my parents reaction would be and so far have hid it from them, despite the fact that I HATE lying. I think it is the ultimate form of disrespect. Anyway, I think there is nothing wrong with this because I think God knows our plans and the intentions of our hearts and that we are going to get married in less than two months.

These are the words spoken from your heart and mind that you should consider. Is this something God would find as good intentions? In my opinion God wants us with pureheart to do only what we believe would not hurt others. So would it be best to begin this new life with pure hearts? Would it be best to openly share your joy for this woman and her children with your parents instead of with a hidden lie? These are answers you need to be accountable to. Remember too you can hide the truth from your parents but nothing is hide from God.

Genesis 2:24-25 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.
Exodus 20:12 Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.
Deuteromony 5:16 Honour thy father and thy mother, as the LORD thy God hath commanded thee; that thy days may be prolonged, and that it may go well with thee, in the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee

I would say that if you are afraid of your parents, you are not ready to get married because you are not your own person, not an adult. It is not always so easy to make the emotional break especially when the parents really wish to have you remain dependent.

I think this is what you should really be concerned about.

As far as your former religion is concerned, that you have to come to terms with, also. What is it that you believe? You should have your own morality/ethics and live by them in order to have integrity.

Best wishes on your marriage! :)

I'm the firstborn child of an evangelical pastor, and was the shining example for the town of 500 that we lived in--so I know what you are talking about.

Choux is right on! If you are worried about what your parents will think, I too think you are not mature enough to get married. In most towns, you can rent a room or small apartment on a month-to-month basis.

Also, I'm wondering why, after five years of work, you didn't finish college. Get your degree somehow (coursework at a local college or online courses) and show some maturity there.

And what do you think all those OT couples did?--live together without benefit of marriage? Hardly! Their marriage ceremonies weren't the important part of their stories. That's why they aren't mentioned.

Matthew 5:28
But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.


Matthew 15:19
For from the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, all sexual immorality, theft, lying, and slander.


1 Samuel 15:23
Rebellion is as sinful as witchcraft,and stubbornness as bad as worshiping idols.So because you have rejected the command of the Lord,he has rejected you


Psalm 51:4
Against you, and you alone, have I sinned;I have done what is evil in your sight.You will be proved right in what you say,and your judgment against me is just.

Romans 2:15
They demonstrate that God's law is written in their hearts, for their own conscience and thoughts either accuse them or tell them they are doing right.



Listen to the voice of God.

sndbay,
You made some good and valuable points there.
Peace and kindness.
Fred (arcura)

Who really cares what anybody else thinks. Why are you so worried about that? If your heart and soul is to marry this girl and be with this girl. You feel that this is a good choice for you. Then it does not matter what anybody else thinks. The ultimate relationship to be concerned about is what is between you and God. When you become married. You will cling and cleave to your wife. You will become one. This is the message of marriage. You left your parents already. Your responsible for your own life and it is not up to your parents who you marry or do not marry even if the back grounds are different. It might be strict and turmoil for telling the truth but you need to stand up and be proud that your being a man. You need to let your parents know in a respectful way that your getting married. Again I will say, your parents are not getting married to this girl, you are.

Just to clarify something I read from another persons post. Marriage itself is more important then the actual ceremony. When I got married the priest said so many people focus on that one day. That is not what he concerns himself with. It is not the ceremony but the rest of YOUR LIVES TOGETHER THAT IS MOST IMPORTANT to focus on.

Jesushelper76,
You are so right when you posted this, "the rest of YOUR LIVES TOGETHER THAT IS MOST IMPORTANT to focus on."
Peace and kindness,
Fred (arcura)

Thanks to all of you for your advice. I have since talked to my parents and, while they are not thrilled about the situation, they were a lot more understanding than I thought they would be. We are getting married next month, so finding another place to live for that amount of time is a moot point. I suppose that if God is displeased then I will be held accountable for it one day, but that is the price of being an adult and making adult decisions. I and I alone have to answer for my mistakes. I don't feel like I have made one because I don't really feel convicted about the situation and I usually feel like crap when I feel like God is unhappy with me. I guess there is no way of knowing until I stand before him one day. But I have a lot of living to do between now and then and I am sure that he has enough forgiveness through the blood of Christ to forget my sins, even the ones that I don't think are. There is a verse about how every man did what was right in his own mind and how God was angry about it. I reckon that's why he gave us the Bible, so that we knew what he thought about pretty much everything that life can throw at you. I feel like I have done the best that I could in this situation and I guess if I have to pay for it down the road as David did after Bethseba, then I will try to be the same man that he was and take whatever punishment that God decides I deserve. I truly do have good intentions and as the Jesuits say, "the end justifies the means."

agireland,
What ever I hope and pray for the best for you and blessings from God for your marriage.
Just keep being as good a Christian as you can be will please God and be the best from your life.
God is perfect in all things so His is perfect in understanding your situation.
Peace and kindness,
Fred (arcira)

Thanks to all of you for your advice. I have since talked to my parents and, while they are not thrilled about the situation, they were a lot more understanding than I thought they would be. We are getting married next month, so finding another place to live for that amount of time is a moot point. I suppose that if God is displeased then I will be held accountable for it one day, but that is the price of being an adult and making adult decisions. I and I alone have to answer for my mistakes. I dont feel like I have made one because I dont really feel convicted about the situation and I usually feel like crap when I feel like God is unhappy with me. I guess there is no way of knowing until I stand before him one day. But I have a lot of living to do between now and then and I am sure that he has enough forgiveness through the blood of Christ to forget my sins, even the ones that I dont think are. There is a verse about how every man did what was right in his own mind and how God was angry about it. I reckon thats why he gave us the Bible, so that we knew what he thought about pretty much everything that life can throw at you. I feel like I have done the best that I could in this situation and I guess if I have to pay for it down the road as David did after Bethseba, then I will try to be the same man that he was and take whatever punishment that God decides I deserve. I truly do have good intentions and as the Jesuits say, "the end justifies the means."

I am happy to hear that you decided to share the news and your share the direction your taking in life with them. I truly wish you the best in life and marriage. May God bless you and your new wife to be and hope and pray for your happiness.

Jesushelper76 ,
Very good response to agireland.
I hope all of us here will wish him a wonderful married life.
Peace and kindness,
Fred