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Hi all

I broke up with the ex a couple of months ago from a pretty serious relationship (we were going to move away together - she was in love etc). I never challenged her decision or put any pressure on her for anything - just said that I wouldn't try and get us back together... that was up to her. No external men were involved in this either.

Well after she asked that we be friends, she basically went into no contact mode. She's now graduated and left without saying goodbye and didn't even bother texting me happy birthday or good luck. We've not argued, or really been in touch since the break up - maybe seen each other 2 times in 2 months - hardly any contact at all. When we do meet there are no problems - we get on absolutely fine?

All seems completely unnecessary and very very harsh - she knows this will hurt me more than the break up.

My question is why? Its almost like some weird sort of mind game in which I'm being pushed to react? Completely unnecessary and very spiteful, especially as she knows I'm not going to try anything... why?

Through all of this I didn't bite or react (well at least to her anyway!) and have been in NC for nearly all of this time.

No goodbye, no good luck... no house keys (which my mate told me to expect from her best mate). Even had the gall to ask some of my mates to their graduation night out... some of whom went to say goodbye, some didn't.

Does annoy me immensely that people she hardly knows get to say goodbye and I don't even get that. Especially when she lied to my face about seeing me before we parted ways. It will be easier now she has moved - but I still would like some answers so I can move on:

> Is she lying to me and avoiding the whole thing?
> Is she telling the truth and quite simply is a cow?
> Am I likely to start hearing from her at some point down the line?

My guesses... and they are guesses are that:

> She's avoiding everything hoping that it will all just go away... and it won't.
> She's not telling the truth... or is at least telling only partial truths.
> That the minute she's down - the texts/ emails will start... 2 - 3 months time is my guess

Help - I'm going mad with confusion and whilst I'm not deluding myself that I still love her - she's bad for me and treated me shockingly and I'm fed up of this playing on my mind - its ruining my life and I want to feel good again?

J

My ideas on different reasons people say I want to break up but remain friends are

1.) They think it softens the break up and you will get over them easier
2.) They still have feelings and they want to make it easier on themselves too.
3.) They can wean away from you by feeling that since they said still be friends they are free to call until they do get over you
4.) They feel that it leaves the door open for if they ever do want to contact you again

The problem is that when the one that breaks up does this the one that doesn't want to break up tries to read too much into it and then ends up holding on to false hope while all the other is doing is stringing you along.

Nohelp4u I agree totally with what you said.

1927city I am going through exactly what you are at the moment. First my ex said she wanted out of the relationship and then the same day she said she did not want to breakup. She has told me twice over the last month that she would meet with me. I too thought I needed to see her for "closure" the truth is mate I do not. I also thought she was being cruel deliberately ignoring me espeically after she said she wanted to stay in contact. Mate we have no control over our ex and their actions. All we can do is move on as best we can.

For me closure really means one final attempt to get her back into my life. She made her choice and all I can do is accept her decision and move on as best I can. I am guessing that is really all you can do too.

Isn't it amazing how our fears and insecurities, make our minds think of all kinds of conclusions.

She is doing exactly the right thing for HER to heal and move on with her life, without you. I would have given her the same advice had she posted here, to leave you alone.

You may be wondering why she has disappeared pretty much, let me set you at ease. She must have felt for you deeply and any contact/texts would have confused, and prolonged, this break up, and even though you may not be happy with the way its working, she is putting herself and her feelings before yours, and rightfully so. Just understand and accept it.



its ruining my life and I want to feel good again?


Read the 4 stickies, and The "No Contact Calender" at the beginning of this forum, and you'll get some insights, and suggestions, for getting back to feeling good. There are links to them in my signature. Let us know if they help.

You may be wondering why she has disappeared pretty much, let me set you at ease. She must have felt for you deeply and any contact/texts would have confused, and prolonged, this break up, and even though you may not be happy with the way its working, she is putting herself and her feelings before yours, and rightfully so.

This is the part that has set me back massively - I am only now starting to accept its over - deep down I know it is, but I have times when I can't help think about this as it doesn't make any sense - why freeze me out if she actually has feelings?

We broke up because of exam work pressures - I left her to work and she got gradually worse over the next few months with very little exposure or input from me (I pretty much just left her alone and gave her her space). Her friends told me she would get a bit like this when the exams approached (how little I understood) and even her best mate told me last week that she thinks that my ex knows we'd still be together if she hadn't acted so weird. Apparently she's now acting the victim for some reason?

That said she also said that the ex did not want to get back together and she is moving away for a new life / 1st job since uni (one that she had originally asked me to be part of) - my hope and fear (yes both) is that at some point she may realise that maybe there are still feelings there (actually I'm sure there are) and if she's down she will contact me.

I'm worried as I want her back but also know she's really bad for me and if she can do this for what is seemingly no reason (all of her friends have kept very close to me as they can't really understand her either) - she is likely to do it agaiin if we ever reconcilled.

So tough to try and get over her in this situation (10 weeks and I'm far worse now than when we split), but also fear for my sanity if she contacts me moving forward. I have a very strong suspicsion that she has decided on a course of action and that's it - she's doing it, convinced herself of it - even though it may not be what she actually feels. Apparently that's what she's doing with the move away with work - she feels she has to, parent and self pressure (in fact her parents don't pressure her at all but she sees it completely differently_ etc - but doesn't actually want to go.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not delusional - I have no doubt that what she wants at the moment is not to be with me, but she tends to convince herself of things - almost in this instance like she poisoned her mind against us during the stressful time and won't now relent and accept that perhaps some of the issues never actually existed... thats pretty much what most of her mates and I thought after we split!

Is this similar to other cases on here?

J

I have learned to deal in actions, and not words as people can say anything when confused, or under pressure, especially well meaning friends who tend to have their own opinions, and the way they see things.

That is why most of my advice is based on the things that you can control, and do for yourself. Your healing will give you a chance to let the emotional dust settle, and then you can make decisions based on reality, and fact and not just feelings, and assumptions.

Despite all the analysis from you and friends, the fact remains she has been no contact, and so should you. Love yourself enough, as she has, to put yourself first, and cope with your feelings in a positive way, move on, and get a life that you enjoy, regardless of what she is doing.

No one can predict the future, or the actions of another, but face it from a position of healthy reality, and deal with it. Speculation does no good.

This is also good advice as you have written, not being happy with the way she treats you, which now seems forgotten, with the shock of being dumped.

Thanks talinaman

I do agree with what you've written but in moments of sadness (such as now) I feel so down that she:

> doesn't think of me at all
> that she's absolutely fine

And that essentially;

> I'll never hear from her again.

I am in NC and have deleted all ways I could contact her - however the fact remains that I didn't even get a goodby / goodluck or an opportunity to say it. If I never hear from her again, then it really will hurt even more than now... I already feel totally gutted.

I suppose I'm just desperate for her to contact me at some point - I would appreciate your thoughts as to if ex's do come around (particularly as there's no real reason for her to be angry or annoyed with me) - will I ever hear from her again?

:-(

If you mean be friends, sure when every one matures, and gets over the emotional let down, its possible. But what is more in evidence, is that after healing, and moving on, most people who get dumped, find other things to focus on, and don't want to look back. Once you get busy with your life, you don't have time to really backtrack, but you smile at the memories, but life keeps us pretty busy. So shall it be with you too, I suspect, as healing makes you a very different person, a better person.

Right now your freshly hurt, and can't see further than your feelings, but in time you will. We all do!

No not really Talaniman... not friends, I don't think either of us really could be - she's my most serious relationship and I was prepared to leave my job, family and friends for her - I am her most serious relationship and her first true serious relationship too. We both agreed to be mates and the last 10 weeks have shown neither of us commit too it - maybe both protecting ourselves from each other - no arguing or pleading - just oddness and avoidance.

I am trying to focus on myself and if she does contact then I want to be in the position of strength so that I can be a viable option to get back with her (not like I am at the moment)!
I understand that if that did happen in the future, I may not want it - but at the moment I do.

I understand that I need to work on myself - but reassurance that this could or is likely to happen would help me through this part... at least I think it would!

From what you've read here - do you think she is likely to remain in NC, get over me and not contact me again - or is she more likely to stay in NC until she hits a down patch, remember the good times and reach out with a nothing text or such like?

J

Do you think your hurt is to fresh to be objective?? Case in point, your whole post is about getting her back, and that's something you can't control.

You can control how you cope with this situation though, and what YOU do about it, so heal and see what comes next, without expectations and assumptions with the focus on you personally

... not friends, I don't think either of us really could be - she's my most serious relationship and I was prepared to leave my job, family and friends for her -
That may not be a very healthy attitude, as she is the first so what do you really base those intense feelings on?? By the way, junkies say the same thing about there dope!

I am her most serious relationship and her first true serious relationship too.
She would never leave family, and friends, over you though, so not very equal in this relationship are you?

We both agreed to be mates and the last 10 weeks have shown neither of us commit too it - maybe both protecting ourselves from each other - no arguing or pleading - just oddness and avoidance.
Avoidance is good, as you can step back and let the feelings settle down and get over the shock of the end of a relationship and start to heal.


I am trying to focus on myself and if she does contact then I want to be in the position of strength so that I can be a viable option to get back with her (not like I am at the moment)!

And if she doesn't contact you then what, you would have waited for nothing and still be in even more misery and pain.

I understand that if that did happen in the future, I may not want it - but at the moment I do.
We all think that way for a while, until it dawns on us we just got dumped.


I understand that I need to work on myself - but reassurance that this could or is likely to happen would help me through this part... at least I think it would!

So you want to hold out for the false hope she will change her mind??? Sorry, not from me. I could be wrong, but she is gone and wants to keep it that way, and she just didn't wake up and say its over, she has been thinking of it for a while and your just finding out.


From what you've read here - do you think she is likely to remain in NC, get over me and not contact me again - or is she more likely to stay in NC until she hits a down patch, remember the good times and reach out with a nothing text or such like?

It sounds to me like so many who have come here hurting, and in shock, with false hope. It takes a while to accept what has happened, and try to deal with it. You are not alone, and in very good company.

Hi all

I broke up with the ex a couple of months ago from a pretty serious relationship (we were going to move away together - she was in love etc). I never challenged her decision or put any pressure on her for anything - just said that I wouldn't try and get us back together ...that was up to her. No external men were involved in this either.

Well after she asked that we be friends, she basically went into no contact mode. Shes now graduated and left without saying goodbye and didn't even bother texting me happy birthday or good luck. We've not argued, or really been in touch since the break up - maybe seen each other 2 times in 2 months - hardly any contact at all. When we do meet there are no problems - we get on absolutely fine?

All seems completely unnecessary and very very harsh - she knows this will hurt me more than the break up.

My question is why? Its almost like some weird sort of mind game in which I'm being pushed to react? Completely unnecessary and very spiteful, especially as she knows I'm not going to try anything ...why??

Through all of this I didn't bite or react (well at least to her anyway!) and have been in NC for nearly all of this time.

No goodbye, no good luck ...no house keys (which my mate told me to expect from her best mate). Even had the gall to ask some of my mates to their graduation night out ...some of whom went to say goodbye, some didn't.

Does annoy me immensely that people she hardly knows get to say goodbye and I don't even get that. Especially when she lied to my face about seeing me before we parted ways. It will be easier now she has moved - but I still would like some answers so I can move on:

> Is she lying to me and avoiding the whole thing?
> Is she telling the truth and quite simply is a cow?
> Am I likely to start hearing from her at some point down the line?

My guesses ...and they are guesses are that:

> Shes avoiding everything hoping that it will all just go away ...and it won't.
> Shes not telling the truth ...or is at least telling only partial truths.
> That the minute shes down - the texts/ emails will start ...2 - 3 months time is my guess

Help - I'm going mad with confusion and whilst I'm not deluding myself that I still love her - she's bad for me and treated me shockingly and I'm fed up of this playing on my mind - its ruining my life and I want to feel good again??

J
Oh boy... i know how you feel. Im going through the same situation. The differnce is that my ex would call me. You may think im lucky, but it hurts a lot more and truthfully its distroying me inside. Im going into my 6 nc day and im starting to feel a little better. It's a big process. Its just when she calls i start getting my hopes up again. So think about nc as a positive thing. Its her lost not yours.

Thx Guys

Still pretty bummed out.

She's moving even further away in a couple of weeks and its driving me mad that she's not contacted me at all. How can she just walk out and not even say goodbye? I feel she's now gone through the worst part and the rest will get better meaning I won't hear from her ever again. Doesn't help that when I last saw her she lied to my face when I said that I'd like to know if it was the last time I would see her as she insisted we would meet before she left.

My mind is messed up and I keep thinking that she doesn't even realise what she's done or care at all. I really want to send her an email or text to say bye but know I shouldn't.

Help?

J

I really want to send her an email or txt to say bye but know I shouldn't.


I wouldn't do that. It will only add to the misery you feel.

No need to worry talinaman

I won't be sending anything - hence the deletion of ways to contact her - the only one left is Facebook and I'm not going to give her the satisfaction of me booting her off my friends list.

I use this forum to vent - to stop myself contacting her instead of doing something awful!

Deep down I know she's probably feeling pretty bad about how she's acted ovrt the past few months and in time will regret how she walked out without saying goodbye - who knows maybe she does now. Just hurts, particularly when I've been the bigger person all the way through.

It feels almost like I dumped her as she's playing the victim I understand.

I also have a set of house keys that as yet have not found their way back here... I suppose they're being held back if she changes her mind and wants to reinitiate contact - who knows eh?

Anyway, thanks for your help.

J

Can't help but admire your attitude! You'll do fine.

..

Thanks today is not such a bad day - although as can be seen through this thread, I'm not always as measured.

I think ultimately that my ex has a number of issues that only she can resolve - I actually in the cold light of day think that she still loves me, got herself into a situation which she now can't or won't back down from or take responsibility for and will ultimately regret it. Hence the avoidance and complete unnecessary blanking of me - from everything to nothing in one hit: ouch!

I also realise that this may sound delusional too lol... but it is what my gut instinct screams to me whenever I think about it! My keys were supposed to be returned by her best mate... but weren't and she said she couldn't open her birthday prez (a ring) I bought her (about 2 months after her bday)... I was expecting this too - but again nothing... as yet.
It doesn't appear all sorted from where I stand (although I cannot be sure).

That's why its so tough as I am sure this is the case (her mates seem to think so too - although I wouldn't say mine do) - However, I know that the only thing I can do is nothing.

And that really is tough when you thought she was the one (well until she went a bit odd!)... and who knows where I honestly sit on her radar?

J

Hi

Just a very quick one.

Broke with my missus in Feb and after NC for 4 days we were back together and she confirmed she cried the whole time we were apart.

Well we split again in April - however this time she was completely different - agreed to be mates but nothing ever really materialised - it was NC with maybe 8 texts sent each over a 10 week period - proabably sent in 3 sessions? We never met up and in the end she decided that she didn't want to - I didn't argue or beg during the whole process with her.

Now we are properly in NC - which is kind of a relief to be honest as at least I finally know where I stand!

She's now left as finished uni and at home - she is moving even further away with work in a couple of weeks. I got no goodbye, no goodluck... no house keys! Not even a txt for happy birthday last week.

Question is... given this situation is she missing me at all? Part of me thinks yes as she's reacting too severely... but my mind plays tricks and other times I think no, I probably don't even cross her mind.

I wonder what likelihood there is that I will get contact off her in the future?

J

You are a lot better off without contact, you can finally say it's over and walk away. You can't sit around and wonder if someone is thinking of you or missing you. You may or may not get contact in the future, but this is the present and all we can control is the here and now

Who cares that she did not give you a farewell, would that have made you feel better if she did? Maybe your not over her and that's why its bothering you. I couldn't care less what my ex thinks of me or if they misses me because they are not in my life for a reason. Don't sit and worry about her and her life and wants she doing or where she's going because at this point she owes you nothing and you should move on.

To answer your question if our exes misses us, who cares if they do or don't.

Rome is right... it really does no good sitting around wondering if they are thinking about you.

Chances are, she is thinking about you at random times, just as you are of her. You shared a string of moments... those moments pop into her head just like they pop into yours. The real question is, do those "popping moments" make you smile and thankful for the time that you shared, or do they bring regret and pain?

Its time to realize that you had a great relationship, you have great memories, but you've both decided to move on with your life. There is nothing wrong with that. It was probably the right thing to do. Remembering the good times is not wrong, but living in the past will only make you lose out on good things today.

I wish you the best of luck... keep looking forward. :)

It doesn't matter what she thinks or feels. Dwelling on it is only doing more harm than good.
What would you gain by thinking she IS thinking of me she IS missing me.

Your mind is playing tricks on you. Enjoy the memories, but ignore the pangs that go with.

The last thing you want to do, is wonder if this, what if that. Look forward not back.

I know your still freshly hurt though.

It depends who called it quits. Whoever said bye most likely not the one who misses and even if they do, their future is much important for them than looking back.

Even if she was completely failing miserably in every aspect of her life because you're not around would that make you feel better?

It's hard to think this way, but once you practice reminding yourself that her misery doesn't matter to you, you'll be better for it.

I never went back to ask. I was to busy moving on. I did a lot of moving on, back in the day.

Some of them had to miss me a little though, you think??

I never went back to ask. I was to busy moving on. I did a lot of moving on, back in the day.

Some of them had to miss me a little though, you think????

Yeah I think they probably missed you at least a little Tal. I know I still think about the women I broke up with in the past. I don't really miss them but I do wonder and hope they are doing okay.

I never went back to ask. I was to busy moving on. I did a lot of moving on, back in the day.

Some of them had to miss me a little though, you think????

I'm sure they missed you, Tal. You're a missable type of guy. :D

Hi

Er - I've posted on here before as broke up with my ex about 3 months ago and well... only started feeling remotely OK last week. Went to the pub a few days ago and met a girl I know a little who had also broken from her guy.

Well we both were looking at hols to escape and I casually said that she and her mate should come with us lads when we had decided where we were going.

Anyway, got this on Facebook today...

Hey! I can access you now, probably just facebook ing up! I'm just looking into our hol now, I can't take another one other than the one with my mate, but thanks for letting me know!You sorted anything out yet? So, your ex being a pain in the arse then? If you wanna meet for a drink and about ex's I'm up for that next week, can exchange outsider opinions and get the opposite sexes point of view! When did you say you guys broke up? x

Is this a date?

I'm not sure I fancy her - she's really cool and I am sure we could have a laugh, but again, not 100% I fancy her and also not sure I even want to date anyone at the moment?

What do people think?

J

Sounds like she just wants somebody to basically cry in her beer with -no date.
Who knows what it could develop into though??

possibility. It seems that she is asking some questions about your x. maybe to see where you stand. Go out with her. Don't treat it as a date. Talk about what she originally wanted to talk about. After a few beers, it might turn into a date. LOL.

No date... just a shoulder to relate and cry on

Date?? NO!! Sounds like a great time though.

It does sound like a good time!

'good time'? DO you mean a laugh... or a good time lol?

Its just a bit weird as I don't really know her well enough for her to suggest it and the line 'when did you guys break up?'... strikes fear into me!

She is cool and not unattractive... I've just never thought of her that way. I probably would be up for messing around if it came to it... but fairly certain if it was a date with a view to anything other than fun... well, I'm not in that place at the moment.

If it was beers and getting smashed with someone new... then I'm definitely up for that.

J

'good time'? DO you mean a laugh ...or a good time lol?

Its just a bit weird as I don't really know her well enough for her to suggest it and the line 'when did you guys break up?' ...strikes fear into me!

She is cool and not unattractive ...I've just never thought of her that way. I probably would be up for messing around if it came to it ...but fairly certain if it was a date with a view to anything other than fun ...well, I'm not in that place at the moment.

If it was beers and getting smashed with someone new ...then I'm definitely up for that.

J

You are reading too much into her questions. She just want's to share 'war' stories with the opposite sex to get other point of view. Since we all take our own time in getting over the ex, her question was not too strange. She could just be curious where you stand at your current 'healing' stage to compare it to her's.

I don't know what 'hol' means, I don't do myspace, Facebook, or any other such site, so you could maybe explain that to me.

I'm also a dry alcoholic and feel that you don't really need to get pie-eyed to go out and just talk with someone about a common subject. But is does not sound like she meant a date. And what it will lead to - well, your guess is as good as our's - there are no guarantees, but it still should not stop you from just getting to know her and having someone to communicate with.

Have a good weekend!

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SOUNDS COOL - Just a bit wary of getting myself into a situation that I'm not sure I want or are even ready for at the moment.

Good to have possibilities though and options!

J

The last thing you do after a break up, is isolate yourself, and be closed to meeting new people. That's not a healthy way to approach healing.

Just because a female is friendly, doesn't mean she wants to have your babies, so having realistic expectations is key. In other words don't think beyond what you see, keeping another broken heart company, and enjoying it. Keep it simple.

Boy that sounds like fun. Go and enjoy yourself.

... OH I FORGOT TO ADD - SHE ENDED HER RELATIONSHIP.

Don't know if that makes any difference to be honest?

J

Most times the one who has ended the relationship has been thinking about it for a while, and is not in the same shock as the one who was dumped, so she may be a little further along the healing process than you are.

Just don't let your emotions, fears , and insecurities, or BEERS, cloud reality, and stop what promises to be a fun, interesting time.

Hi 1927,

Go out and have a good time with her. Even though she is no longer with her ex doesn't mean she is looking for anything more than a friendship right now. I would just go out have fun, and take it from there.

Keep us posted.

... well probably am.

Supposed to be going on a leaving do in a few hrs and just had her best mate text me asking who's going. In NC and haven't seen the ex for about 6 weeks - she actually lied to my face about meeting up before she left and then text me saying she didn't want to meet up before she went. She didn't even bother with a goodbye or happy birthday text... nothing and I'm pretty angry about it!

I've been feeling much better as she's left and I haven't seen her - now I may have to deal with her when I'm not really ready too. I assumed that she wasn't going to be at this seen as she'd moved home.

Help what do I do?

I am unclear as to the nature of this trip, and why she is involved. Can you clear that up for my old brain??

... its typical of her.

She has graduated - said her goodbyes (to everyone except me) and left. I have been moving on quite well since.

The leaving do tonight is her housemate from uni who has been shagging my housemate. We organised tonight and are meeting in my local with my mates to give her a send off as she's been on her own for the last 4 weeks.

Just received a text from the other housemate - my ex's best mate - asking who's out. If she's been invited it means that the ex will have and will almost certainly turn up.

It annoys me that she point blank lied to me about meeting up, ran away without saying goodbye (and text me to say she did not want to) but is highly likely to turn up tonight.

Really angry - if she's out - how am I supposed to act?

Like she doesn't exist. Polite but unavailable. Have a good time but don't be an azz!

Most times the one who has ended the relationship has been thinking about it for a while, and is not in the same shock as the one who was dumped, so she may be a little further along the healing process than you are.

Just don't let your emotions, fears , and insecurities, or BEERS, cloud reality, and stop what promises to be a fun, interesting time.

Talaniman - Well put my dear. Got to spread it again so letting you know that I agree... and instead of beers, CHEERS!

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Hi All

My ex msn'd me on Sunday (after apparently unblocking me), so I sent her the email below yesterday. We were pretty serious and have been split for 6 months. She moved away and is unhappy with work and has recently started contacting me. The split was OK, but then she left (not saying bye and generally avoiding things rather than adderssing them) - we've had next to no contact until the last few weeks. This is the 2nd email I've received.

What do people think?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
MY EMAIL YESTERDAY

Hey Trouble

Missed your msn Sunday... was busy entertaining uni mates. Was going to drop you a mail yesterday but got a bit sidetracked - everything OK?

No hangovers - Boner lasted about 90 minutes before he had to go home and 1 of the girls fell down the stairs in 10 feet tall... a very good night!

Let me know when you're around & I'll tell you the gory details.

J

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
She replied today as follows:

Hello

Everything's very well down in the South East thanks. I'm really not a fan of Maidstone... still waiting for places in London to come around!

Ha ha ha! Can Boner hold any drink? Poor sod! Or were you force feeding him shots again? Oooo I didn't hear about what happened with the stairs! Who fell? Any blood shed? Have no idea when I'll be around next... I appear to be trapped in Maidstone at least until Christmas. I've managed (somehow) to get some annual leave though, which means I finish work on Friday 19th! I have never been so grateful for annual leave!! Work is pretty crap, isn't it? The only joy I get from it at the moment is getting paid. Forgive my moaning... no excuse apart from boredom!

Glad you're OK though. Hope to catch up again soon.

Claire x

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now I know this isn't exactly amazing - but she is not going to say I want you back / I miss you... she didn't last time we broke up (although her mate text me to let me know she did) - she put the brave face on. Still not particularly clear, why she's started to contact me all of a sudden - she certainly won't give much away whatever she's feeling.

However, I was toying with replying as follows (want to keep lines of communication open, but also do not want to let her think I'm happy being mates over something more significant - which I am certain she knows in any case) - what do people think:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

PROPOSED RESPONSE

Hey

Well you know my thoughts on the whole work thing... life's for living, work just helps you do what makes you happy.

Sure I can cure your boredom - bought 2 tickets to next Saturday's Wales v South Africa game for me & my Dad, but he's in hospital having a knee replacement, so he can't go. You up for doing something spontaneous?

December seems a long time to wait to have fun!

J


OR

SHould I just go back to No Contact and hope that this drives her mad?

No contact. She's sent a message with a closing sentence, use that to your advantage. This way, you don't seem rude if you don't reply, and yes, it will have far better impact that the invite in my opinion.

Do you think she'll expect a response? Seems that she's unhappy and starting to miss certain aspects of our relationship

Don't play your cards according to what she's expecting. If you make it too obvious that you're around and available, she'll start questionning what she wants because well, she has the choice.

You were very nice and friendly in responding to her and that shows that you're not indifferent towards her. But now, you want to show her that it's not a matter of snapping her figers and you're hers, no girl wants that. There has to be some element of 'chase'.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to play games by any means, but at the same token, don't be too easy, make it a tiny bit challenging for her. And also, if you don't take things slow, I guarantee you that at some point, she'll see how quickly things are moving and she'll panic.

And finally, she closed the conversation in her last message, that's an opportunity for you not to respond without seeming rude. And next time, if you initiate a conversation, it won't seem like you're ALWAYS contacting her.

NC... And that's all I'm saying on the matter

What are you doing

No Contact is the way to go

There is nothing there in those lines.
You will build up false hope and get hurt again

I'm going on the assumtion that both have moved on a long time ago and want to rekindle the relationship after having grown and learned, not out of desperation and not because they cannot move on. My advice with regards to the messages is based on two friends wanting more out of the platonic relationship. If I'm incorrect and/or if the reasons behind the breakup are such that renewing the relationship would be doomed to fail, then I'm with Rome. No contact. Otherwise, back to the top.

Hey Dragon

I had gotten over her, but this has messed my head up again. I've just come out of a casual type rebound and this contact is very new between us.

As for her, well I can only speculate - but we never really closed off the relationship - she left without saying goodbye, handing back house keys etc - or even facing her feelings.

All in all it was a very odd breakup - no arguing, but no real facing up to each other and how it would work afterwards (although I did try for my part).

Can't be sure, but I am 99.99% certain she cannot be friends with me whilst spending time around me - so I guess (and it can only be that) that any contact probably means more than it says - although seen as she ended it, she probably needs to do more than hint that things may have changed.

J

She dumped you, stick with No Contact, and do not respond to emails.

Your much to prone to let your mind play tricks on you!



I had gotten over her, but this has messed my head up again

No you haven't. Your so glad to hear from her, and take it as a sign to renew things, your elated. Be honest with yourself.

Lol - OK - I'm happy, but I was getting there!

However, I'm not going to contact her - she has to do the work. If not, I don't want to be hanging around waiting for something that may never happen

Be easeir if you didn't have 3 different threads.

Hi All

I have a question - particularly for the girls.

I broke with my ex about 6 months ago and whilst we never argued, it was a strange break up. I thought it was to do with her exams and not me - she denied it. Despite me being as OK as anyone could be with such a break, I never pressured her to get back together etc - she avoided me like the plague. She then graduated and left to live over 200 miles away for her new job without saying goodbye, happy birthday, giving me my housekeys bac etc. Basically it was complete overkill - and whilst I don't believe she didn't care that little for me - I was left with the conclusion that she still cared and ran away from facing up to it.

During the next 3 months, I've respected her decision and not contacted her - and got nothing back. However, I stupidly sent her an email about 6 weeks ago (see the following email string for content). I've also received an msn out of the blue from her talking about nothing significant.

I still love this girl and don't want to end up as 'friends' - my plan was to go back to no contact and see if she would realise what she had sacrificed and come back to me. However, I'd be interested in peoples (particularly the girls) thoughts as to what (if anything) is going on and what I should do.

I've not been hanging around waiting, but I've messed myself up again and could do with some guidance.

Thanks in advance.

J

MAIL FROM ME

Hey trouble

Just thought I'd drop you a quick email seeing how Kent was going - hopefully well and you're settling in. You enjoying being part of the rat race or are you like me and forever wishing you were a student again?

Currently laid up following my knee reconstruction, got a few weeks where I'm not allowed to do a lot and then 3 - 6 months of physio ...and then I can start football, tennis, surfing again and get myself back into shape!!! Managed to squeeze a quick trip into Stockholm just before, as not able to fly until we go to Helsinki for NY ...I'm already getting itchy feet!

Anyway, won't waffle ...just wanted to touch base and check you were OK.

J

NB: I guess you know about the Mr Teds situation ...words fail me!

RESPONSE

Hello!!

Believe it or not I was actually thinking about you today and wanted to email to see how everything was going! I'm well thanks ... not enjoying Kent as much as I thought I would, so I am currently still looking for a job in London. I'm crossing my fingers for either University College London or Barts and the London Hospital. I won't bore you with the silly details though! Funnily enough over the last few weeks (actually it's beginning to feel more like months) I have been wishing I was a student so much. I'd love to be back in my first year right now ... just enjoying myself going to pub and relaxing with my friends etc. I've missed seeing you all quite a lot. Next time I visit we'll all have to catch up over a few drinks in the George (I miss our local!).

I heard about your knee, Erin showed me a photo of the bruising! Looks delightful!! How's it feeling? Any better? I'm glad you got it all sorted out in the end. So Mr Teds .... tell me more ... I may have more information but I feel it may be unfair to divulge in case we're perhaps not on the same wavelength! What do you know?

Also really really wanted to ask how your mum is doing? No worries if you don't fancy talking about it or anything. Just hope she's staying strong and doing well after the chemo etc. Say hi to your mum and dad for me (and of course Paul or should I say Pea Head ... tell him Pea Ears says Hey)!

Anyway ... how's everything with you? How's the job etc? Any luck starting a new business yet? Any ideas or plans? Still working on the comedy?? I really hope everything's ok.

Hopefully will visit soon ... miss Cardiff and all of you very much!

Take care

Claire xxx

MY REPLY

Hey trouble

Lots on, Mum and Dad are fine and say hi. Everything's cool, thanks for asking.

Drinks sound good. Let me know when you're down and we'll catch up over cocktails.

Take Care

J

NB: Have you finished your toblerone yet?

MISSED AN MSN - THEN MY EMAIL REPLY

Hey Trouble

Missed your msn Sunday ...was busy entertaining uni mates. Was going to drop you a mail yesterday but got a bit sidetracked - everything ok?

No hangovers - Boner lasted about 90 minutes before he had to go home and 1 of the girls fell down the stairs in 10 feet tall ...a very good night!

Let me know when you're around & I'll tell you the gory details.

J

HER REPLY

Hello

Everything's very well down in the South East thanks. I'm really not a fan of Maidstone ... still waiting for places in London to come around!

Ha ha ha! Can Boner hold any drink?! Poor sod! Or were you force feeding him shots again? Oooo I didn't hear about what happened with the stairs! Who fell? Any blood shed? Have no idea when I'll be around next ... I appear to be trapped in Maidstone at least until Christmas. I've managed (somehow) to get some annual leave though, which means I finish work on Friday 19th! I have never been so grateful for annual leave!!! Work is pretty crap, isn't it? The only joy I get from it at the moment is getting paid. Forgive my moaning ... no excuse apart from boredom!

Glad you're ok though. Hope to catch up again soon.

Claire x

... sorry one more thing.

I'm not stalking her or anything, but on my Facebook profile page I noticed she had mailed her mate apolgosing for drunken texting her and saying she was 'reflecting' on things quite a lot and that it was quite annoying.

I can't prove anything obviously, but my guess is that the only thing that would annoy her reflection wise about uni is me!

J

No opinions?

Sorry partner, but I think your barking up the wrong tree. While you probably can't see that any contact with her, whether its texting, email, or Facebook will leave you in an emotional funk, it also gives you a false hope, fueled by your desire for her back in your life, and assumptions that are not based on facts.

Man to man, its time to let go, and move beyond those feelings, and accept the reality of the situation. She moved on, and with time so shall you.

To answer your question, She ain't coming' back no where soon, if ever. She will find a life that she enjoys, and live it without you.

That's the only way you can think, if you expect to heal, and enjoy your own life.

Hi Guys

Received a bit of surprising news, but don’t really know what I should do – would appreciate your thoughts.

I split from my ex in April (was a rather strange split – that had a lot to do with exam pressures and whilst I lost value in her eyes, I was never particularly convinced by her reasons for the split). She moved about 4 hours away after graduating in July and didn’t say goodbye etc …just ran away – complete overkill (it hurt …lots).

I never begged her to come back or argued with her and its been pretty much 100% Non Contact with her with the exception of 3 emails in October, in which she confirmed that she didn’t like her new job or home. For my part, I said if she wanted to catch up, then to let me know when she was around. My last contact with her was about 6 weeks ago, in which she didn’t agree but confirmed that she was stuck where she was until mid December when she was home for Xmas. It wasn’t clear as to whether I was being fobbed off or told when we could do it, I thought the former if I’m honest.

Last night, my mate told me that he had been to a party at her friends and that the ex had sat next to him and bent his ear all night about me and told him that she still loved me. Apparently she was pissed and he had to leave to talk to the girls he knew better as I think he was getting a bit bored after an hour lol.

This happened about 5 weeks ago and he wasn’t going to tell me, but did last night. He said, you’re both in the same crap situation in that you love each other and can’t stop thinking about each other, but you’re too far apart. Problem is …I’ve not heard anything off her re: this!

I’m supposed to be moving to about an hour from her in January and would love to give it another go.

What do you guys think …what do I do? I’m pleased but even more frustrated.

Thanks

J

I would definitely wait until you hear those words coming out of her mouth.

Don't rush things. Give it time.

…what do I do?

The good thing about NC is, you don't have to do anything.

Don't get me wrong - if I saw her, I certainly wouldn't be bring the relationship up etc (unless she wanted to talk about it) - would just be looking to have a bit of fun.

My concern is why hasn't she even indicated to me any of this?? I mean, nothing in 7 months... if I believed how she'd been acting (which I never really have tbh) - I would guess she didn't give a toss, wasn't missing me at all, couldn't be bothered asking how I was etc. Her mates even told me in July that she'd moved on and that I should too. I pretended I had in any case but still... women are mental!

As such, I'm worried that this is as much as I'm going to get and if I don't act... I miss my chance.

Looking for reassurance I guess.

J

Why don't you tell us the reasons she gave you for the first breakup, and we will tell you if this is worth pursuing.

If she really felt this way, she should tell you not your friend. It doesn't make sense to me.

And you just wanting to have a little fun will lead to emotions again. I don't think it is a good idea.

Don't rush anything. You have already broken up. Don't give the situation too much attention.

Er, there weren't any... well there was the 'I don't love you any more' and the 'I'm not happy' lines... I certainly agree with the last one - problem was that she was doing her finals and to all intents and purpose, sabottaged our relationship.

I never really believed her re: I don't love you any more, I thought it was her inability to handle the pressure of exams and transferrence. I therefore never pushed her and said to her that I couldn't make her feel love and that it was down to her.

She then avoided me and I returned in kind and she moved away without so much as a goodbye (total overkill).

Her mates are still in contact and they say it's messed up that we're not together and lay the blame at the ex for acting 'weird'

NB: by fun, I mean don't get heavy straight away - I love her and she's the only 1 I've ever considered as marriage material - so it would be a proper relationship.

J

She may have got bored with things, but couples have to know how to deal with the ups and downs in a relationship and not just jump ship. Be careful with this one, as history tends to repeat itself in these situations.

Bored... possible (learnt never to rule anything out), but we went from being 100% fine at NY (her mates bugging me to tell her that I loved her as she wouldn't say it first etc) to her being cold a few days later when she came back to address her final term - she became work obsessed.

Her friends had warned me she turns into a 'monster' at exam time... and I didn't really take them at their word - but they were 100% spot on.

Bored would be unlikely as just before we were in Venice then Berlin for NY, did a lot of different and spontaneous stuff (when work allowed). Trips to Paris and Monte Carlo were cancelled as she got hyper stressed with work and in the end, I never saw her (certainly didn't pressure her)... she then said she was unhappy and we split. Her mates came to Prague with my mates for my birthday... she bailed (in retrospect a good thing).

I spent so little time with her towards the end, I always wondered how I could make her unhappy... particularly as I wasn't constantly bugging her, or pressuring etc. Her mates said that she was always happy when she came back from spending time with me and then went back to normal... but it never made her come over more?

Like I say, I am sure it was work, but its something she's never admitted to (at least to me that is!)

All in all... the most ridiculous break up I've ever been involved in (but then I'm only one half).

What would you do if you were me?

Well, she knows that your friend is going to tell you this, so she may be trying to reach out and have you bring it up first. I'd just be direct, if you are feeling gutsy. Bring up a conversation with her through whatever medium you two have been communicating before, and then mention that your friend just told you this and ask her if this is true, preferably in a casual smooth kind of way.

Based on how she answers and responds, you can probably go from there. If she does tell you she misses you and wants another go, you'd better tell her that your terms in getting back with her are that she will never do that kind of breakup again.

Try looking at it this way. Her reasons for breaking up with you weren't because she was bored with the trips you were taking and so forth... that was all great to her... she was bored with the relationship itself... such as loving the same person and spending her time with the same person. As you will hear lot, she had already pre-determined this outcome before her exams. She just used the exams as an excuse.

So consider that she was willing to tear down the relationship that you both had built, and felt okay with using her exams as her scapegoat. She really must have taken the relationship for granted, if that was going to be a good enough reason in her mind. Anyone that can end a relationship in such a simple manner, is not happy with themselves. The "I'm not happy" and "I don't love you" lines, are simply excuses for her, because in all reality, she has no valid reason for ending the relationship, except for the simple fact that she is selfish, and was beginning to think that there was something better out there, instead of being grateful for what she has.

Look at the situation here for a second and don't make excuses for her. This is a person that can so simply end your relationship, and not even consider your feelings or the effort that you may have put in to the relationship. Then she leaves town. She thought she was going to find something better out there and seems to be having trouble with that. She doesn't like her job and is stuck in a place that she isn't very happy... So she comes back and talks your friends ear off, because she is lonely. Sure, she may have realized that she screwed up and made a very stupid decision by ending the relationship, however, she is only telling your friend this. With anything important in life, you tell the person directly. You don't involve middle men, because you are trying to show that your statements and words are sincere. Her telling your friend, and not you, characteristically goes in harmony with the way she broke up with you.

She screwed you over, for her own selfishness, and you can't forget this. So, if she wants you back, she needs to tell you herself that she is willing to accept what she has done, and that she hopes the two of you can put it in the past, and start something new. This shows that she realized her selfish mistakes, and that she is ready to be real to you. You need to let her come to you. She made decision to leave, and there was nothing you could do about it. If you are the one to reach out to her then you put yourself in a vulnerable position again, and this could cause you a lot of pain, all over again. So unless she is going to contact you about it, keep your no contact. You don't owe her anything and you don't need to be the one making the effort. If she can't make the effort, after her actions, then you don't need someone like that.

Remember, you need to think about yourself first here.

Aghhhh!! Really good posts guys and I can defo see the benefits of NC (excellent post devilsadvocate)... you've nailed a lot of what I'm thinking.

However, I'm concerned that as we live so far away from each other, there is no easy way for us to meet (although over xmas, we will be within 30 minutes of each other) and thereafter in NY about 70. Currently we're about 4 1/2 hours apart.

Feels like If I don't hear from her over xmas, that maybe I need to prompt it (although I am reluctant).

I have drafted this... although not sure whether I am actually going to send this or anything at the moment.

Hey stranger,

Been a while …you OK?

I’m pretty much finished for Xmas now. Can’t remember when you said you were back, but if you still fancy catching up I have all my Xmas shopping to do, need to sort out fancy dress for Helsinki, survival gear for the Arctic & and are also moving to Cambridge in January …so lots to do.

You’ve got good taste …care to help?

J

NB: Did you see this on the news?
BBC NEWS | In Pictures | In pictures: Venice under water (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/in_pictures/7758831.stm)

Can I have thoughts please?

Thanks

J

Sorry guy, I just don't see investing a lot into someone who dumps me, and then tries to comeback, because she has nothing else to do. Just me, the distance, and her actions, have me not wasting my time.

Ain't that much love in the world to let a female do that to you again. That means you learned nothing about what she is capable of, and your living in a world of false hope, and high expectation.

Sound good on paper, but sucks in reality.

I think I am going through a similar thing you went through. I just ended a relationship in a similarly weird way. My ex was still calling me love and kissing and hugging, but she was saying she wasn't in love with me anymore.

I am finding really weird to deal with this because I can't get angry at her, she didn't do anything wrong and you can't blame someone for how their hearts make them feel. But on the other hand, it seems like I am the only one who's feeling bad about ending this relation, and I "blame" her for having to cope with this pain alone.

That's why I think in my case, although I think she is "forever and ever" material, and although I think she still likes me and it's just the stress, I think I should not be responsible for starting up the contact again. Because if it is true that she still likes me, than eventually she would try to come back. But if she actually got over me, sending that first e-mail would just totally blow in my face, all the emotions would come back and I would feel like again.

So I don't think you should send that e-mail, unless there are good reasons that would make her feel uncomfortable coming back on her own (you are in another relationship, something that was said during the break-up that she might regret... ).

Hi talinaman

Point taken, but for me I think it is worth a shot again... give her a chance (she is 22, I am 31 and have more experience - everyone makes mistakes and takes a while to realise I am perfectly imperfect).

Not for everyone I agree, but before we split I thought she was the one and despite seeing other girls since, she still is the only one.

Breakup wasn't bad at all - no bad words. She did however, walk out and not face up to 'us'... easier to run away and she probably doesn't feel too good about how she handled it.

I'm in the casualist of relationships, its not going anywhere for either of us and is open... I think she probably knows about this, but probably doesn't realise I'm not serious about her.

J

Knowing your ages has now made a case and point of its own. You are at a point in your life in which you are ready to build a life and do certain things as you have already lived through your twenties. The ages of 22 and 23 for women are extremely difficult ages. I am going ton what I know, not an exact statistic, but trust me on this. This is an age that they are not very sure what to do, because they feel as though they should start settling down and having kids, because their friends will start doing so, but at the same time, they don't want go give up their youth quite yet. They are trying to find a steady career and figure out what they want to do from this point on in their lives, but they don't want to take the time to think about it, because then they would have to face reality... which further backs up why she ended the relationship in the way that she did. She didn't want to have to think about things in the relationship and think about you, because she is so full of everything on her plate... now, this in no way validates what she did to you, but I'm sure that I am pretty accurate with the reasoning here.

Now the crappy part is that they will live through their twenties and unfortunately, although they may realize over time what a good thing they threw away, most of the time, they won't come out the same person, and will just chalk the relationship up as experience that they learned from. This is all a maturity issue and seems to be apparent amongst a vast population of females around these ages. Not to just particularly zone in on only the females, as I'm sure this also applies to males of this age.

So, the best thing that you can do, is let it be. If you really believe that it is because she has some things to learn and needs to mature, then let her do that. Don't get yourself involved, because she will never learn then. She needs to learn these things on her own, and without you as a friend or boyfriend. Just let everything be as it is. She will hear about your through the grapevine and if she wants something to do with you, then she will find a way to contact you. People will do anything for love, when they really want to. So, its good that you feel that it has to with her needing more experience and needing to mature in the area of relationships... now let her figure it out.

That's the thing... I think she has been figuring it out and seems she realised what we had (I am not kidding when I say it was unbelievably good for about 90% of the time). I've been out with lots of women and this seemed different, easy, meant to be - well until the last 2 months ot so.

Its hard as I know she's not happy but is too stubborn to pick up the phone / contact me - perhaps scared too (as am I).

I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't at least try at some point to fix it - just wish she would contact me first. I'm worried that her knowing what she told my mate and my non contact will drive her off.

If I don't hear from her in the next few weeks, I was thinking along the lines of:

The email above or;
Xmas Card or;
Texting Merry Xmas / NY

Was also thinking of just sending her an oragami crane in a box to her for xmas - its how I met her and thought it may pull some emotional heart strings.

Don't know really, just thoughts at the moment.

J

Hi All

I've posted somewhere else more detail aout this, but I would be interested to know, particularly from a female point of view what I should do in this situation.

> My ex finished with me 7 months ago, but a pretty good break up.

> We're pretty much in no contact with each other and she's given me no sign of wanting to get back together.

> She then told one of my friends that she is still in love with me last month (but not me I might add!)

> She lives 4 hours away, but I'm due to start a new job in the NY that will take me close enough for a relationship to be feasible.

I want her back, if you were in my shoes, would you:

> intiiate contact (she will be close to my home over the xmas break)

> continue with no contact - and if so, what do you think the chances are of her coming to me?

I am interested in all opinions but particularly women obviously as I'm confused as to what she's thinking and where she's at?

Help

J

Nobody can fully answer this for you but I think that you need to listen to yourself on what you really think would be the right thing to do. And be very careful when you make this decision. Think really hard about it and don't just make your decision because that's what you want make your decision based off what you know and what you think is right.

What do I know?

> that she left without saying goodbye (dont think she could tbh)

> that she definistely did love me, then went a bit funny and said she didn't - never really believed her

> that she's given me nothing since

> that she loves me in November

What is right?

> I don't know?

> I love her... unconditionally

> I want her back

> I don't want to mess this up - If I ask for a meet, she may decline, think I'm needy (other things that aren't good) - may stop her reaching if I stay in nC

> If I stay in NC, she may never come around and I could lose her through inaction

So tough... can't think about anything else

J

I doubt she would initiate contact. It all boils down to whether you are willing to take the chance of being rejected or not. There is always that risk, but if you feel it's worth it, then you have nothing to loose. If you were to contact her and tell her how you feel, I would definitely be cautious and try and maintain a certain amount of pride in the process. This will help if she was to tell she doesn't feel the same way, but will also increase your chances if you aren't coming off as desperate or needy. If I were you I wouldn't wait for her to have the guts to talk to me, just think about how indecisive you are about contacting her, and girls tend to be more shy and more sensitive and afraid of rejection, unless that's just me...

Hey guys

Posted on a here a week or so ago - here's the update.

> Found out 2 weeks ago that the ex had cornered my mate at a party in November and said she still loved me / kept going on about me. Apparently she was pissed, but he said there was no confusion... it lasted about an hour. She didn't tell me though! She's also never spoken to him in any depth before, so it seemed calculated.

> I stressed for about a week as to whether to contact her (haven't been in touch other than an odd email for about 6 months) - she lives away (although I'm moving relatively close to her again in NY with new job in my company).

> Well I decided I needed to at least gauge where she was and called her Wed - no answer, so left a message saying I'd called to see how she was and that to give me a call so we could have a chat and catch up. Nothing very heavy at all, although it was obvious I was nervous as I spooned it up a bit.

> She replied by text, apologising for missing my call and that she was a bit busy at the mo, but would call me on Thursday to chat and catch up. Showed this to a few of the girls I was out with and they thought it was quite positive (with the kisses and bothering to reply etc). I replied saying no problems, speak tomorrow.

> She didn't call, nor Friday or tonight.

I'm really confused now. I mean, I wasn't expecting her to profess her undying love for me again, but I think her conversation with my mate says she cares for me at some level (even if she doesn't want to reunite). As such, I find it baffling, she replies to rearrange and then doesn't call!

I mean, wouldn't it be easier not to reply?

Been pickling my brain for the past few days and whilst most of mates think she's nuts, they do agree with my best guess that she's probably confused and doesn't know what she wants.

Any ideas... and what do I do as even when I've tried to sort it, I get myself here?

The first thing I would ask..

Is.. Is your friend telling the truth many time in these cases. Friends of ours would like to us.. to kind of make us feel better.
Not knowing what could happen.

He said she said stuff is never a good idea to break contact on. In the first place

But you have done it.. so lets not dwell.
She said she would call back but has not.

She did say there was a lot of work going on. So she could just be real busy. Give it a week. If she has not contacted you by then.. I think it is safe to say that back to no contact for you.


Anyway I know how your brain is working now. And its very annoying.
Just and calm the white noise in your head somehow. Watch a few movies and relax over the weekend.

All the best

I personally never believe second hand conversation, and ignore any words that contradict the actions, of a person.

So you see, whatever your friend has told you about the ex is irrelevant, and should be ignored.

Hey,

I would say if she had this love and caring for you, wouldn't she be the one trying to call and contact you? I understand what you mean though about talking to her and wanting to catch up and her saying sure tomorrow or what not, yeah... I've been there man, my call never came either and that was three weeks ago. Honestly, you need to realize that this break up happened for a reason, it's most likely better off for yourself, you might not see it now it'll take some time but you will see it. I did. I haven't been happier and, I would've never thought this three months ago when I was ready to ask my ex to marry me but, here I am through hell to heaven.

You need to realize that staying in no contact with her is the best thing you can do, you do NOT want to influence this person back into your life, they need to be influenced by themselves and they're surroundings. For example, if she see's a couple out walking holding hands having a good time, you don't think she's thinking about you? Come on dude! Like stop worrying about things you can not control, I'm sorry for rambling but, I'm tired of reading these sob stories about people who just want their ex back and blah blah blah, seriously. If it was that GREAT of a relationship, you would NOT have broken up. This person has ripped out your heart and soul, and smashed them, and all you want is to LOVE them and take them back! If she wants to get back with you, she WILL contact you, it WILL happen, if that's what she wants down the road. Understand that they day may NEVER come, and who the hell cares. You guys had a good run, now you both get to go start a new one with some one else, and possibly a better one.

I Hope This Helps,
LCM

Hey guys

One thing I need to emphasise is that it was my friend (not hers) that told me and even then, he didn't tell me for about 4 weeks... so he certainly wasn't telling me to give me false hope. He came pretty close to not telling me at all!

I know things will / do remind her of me (although I have my moments of doubt... particularly following 6 months of her dealing with this by not addressing anything, running away and acting like I never existed).

I've been in NC as I agree, its only her who can make that leap - however, I wasn't sure if this was a reach and I called her to chat and then I could gauge if it was or wasn't.

I have no intention of pressuring her (Never have and never will - she knows this as well).

Just impossible not to question what she's up to / going on in her head. Sure its confusion on her part... but the 'white noise' makes things difficult.

Pity... as its all so unnecessary and I deserve more in terms of not being ignored (be it as a friend or lover).

He didn't tell me for about 4 weeks..

That only makes it more irrelevant.

That only makes it more irrelevant.

Perhaps, but the fact of the matter was that I was told it and it was messing me up. I tried to sort it out in a non pressured, unconfrontational way so as I could relax and get on with my life one way or the other and its met with these stupid childish games, where the ex says one thing and does the opposite.

Retrospecitvely, I probably would not call her now - but then I wasn't expecting her to act like a 10 year old! 'I told you so', isn't much help at this point.

DUDE. Stop worrying about it. Who cares. She broke up with you it's over. The sooner you realize that the better you will be.

Here's the deal, the same kind of drama happened to me a weekend ago. I'm going to pretend that I don't know about it.

She told my friend that she misses me, blah blah blah. But bottomline, she didn't tell me.

She knows my number by heart. She probably still has it on her phone. She knows where I live. If she wanted to really contact me, she would have chosen a better method to do so. Hell, I would even take the pony express.

But because she chose this guerilla tactic, I'm guessing that she wanted you to react in a way that would assure her that you're still "around", which you did.

If she really wanted to get back together, she would find you. Even if it meant pushing 7 numbers on the telephone... see what I mean?

And honestly, if she didn't make an "effort" to get back together, I would think that the resulting "relationship" would be more of the same.

That would get old reaaaal quick buddy.

You can either choose now to go no contact and move on, or continue beating yourself in the eye with a sharpened stick until you reach your breaking point, and then you will choose to go no contact and move on.

And honestly, if she didn't make an "effort" to get back together, I would think that the resulting "relationship" would be more of the same.

That would get old reaaaal quick buddy.

You can either choose now to go no contact and move on, or continue beating yourself in the eye with a sharpened stick until you reach your breaking point, and then you will choose to go no contact and move on.


I absolutely agree 100% - don't get me wrong guys, I have no intention of contacting her again (unless she decides too 1st) - I am doing my best to move on but its bloody difficult - especially when she's using 'guerilla tactics' - this thread isn't intended to be 'How do I get her back' - it's more trying to understand what she's trying to achieve by this latest episode and saying one thing and doing another, so I can assess, react if necessary and put it to bed. Then I can focus on me again.

... oh and I've not mentioned her conversation with her or any of her mates, so to be honest - following a 6 week deferal, I doubt she thinks my call is in response to it.

Never underestimate the female mind, that's why they are best left alone or marry them.

I heard from a few credible sources that the keepers, the ones that really want to be with you, don't yoyo.

Cheers Guys

Still think NC is probably the best solution to this... again, however, I wrote this out as a release earlier and the more I think about it, the better an idea it becomes to send it.

What do you think? It would certainly give me back my power - wonder how she would react?

Hi ****

I note that you didn't call following your text and lied to me once again, about contact with me. I'm pretty let down, particularly as I had and have no intention of making you feel bad or uncomfortable.

I'm confused as to your behaviour, as I don't believe I've done anything to warrant it, either during our break up or thereafter. If I'm honest, your behaviour and attitude after we split has hurt me far more than anything you did, during the split.

I've made a number of exceptions for your poor behaviour from the turn of the year and admit that I probably took the easy option of blaming your exams. However, we are not in a relationship any more and if any of my friends had treated me the way you do ...well they would have been told to shape up or would not be my friends anymore.

So it's up to you from this point – I bare no grudges, no animosity, a clean slate - but I won't accept being treated like crap either. This email's not intended to make you feel guilty or bad, but I'm fed up with being the recipient of your poor behaviour.

It's your choice from now on.

Writing her a letter

Will only give her the power
If that's what you want..
Tell her that you are hurt that she lied to you. And didn't call when she said she would.
Is basically what the letter will say..

And what's the point.

The most powerful thing you can do to someone

Is ignore them
And it's the one of the hard things to do
Anyone can write a letter
Telling people how they feeeeel.

It does not matter how you feel. Or how she feels anymore

Don't let on how much it hurts to her.

Honestly, the letter seems like a "pity me" tool. Don't use it, it will have the opposite effect.

She didn't call back. She showed her true colors. Let it go and never ever look back.

How is this taking your power back? It is doing the complete opposite, and giving her 100% control!

If I got a letter like that, I would think it was a letter saying, I'll take you back when and if you decide, because I don't have the balls to stand up for myself, and I will let you treat me however you want, as long as you come back.

Then (if I was this type of person) I would do what I wanted, for however long I wanted to do it, until I got bored or lonely, and I would remember, oh yeah, the ball is in my court! I can call him! He's right there waiting for me!

Then I would come back to you until I got bored again, and wanted "my space," and I would leave you just like I did last time, because you will probably take me back when I get lonely again anyway!

Don't send her that letter. Trash it, and take your power back for real this time.

Your letter does not give your power back, but shows how truly stuck you are, and sorry, words mean nothing when what you need is some positive actions in your own behalf, and No Contact IS THAT ACTION, so burn the letter, and disappear from her life.

Dated my ex for almost a year and she finished it about 7 months ago. Not been in contact for this time …haven’t spoken to her in person or seen her since June. Fairly certain that there is nor has there been another guy in this time (touch wood), although I did date a girl for a couple of months ending it before xmas.

Well I found out she told a mate of mine at a party that she still loved me in November and after trying to get it out of my head for about 6 weeks, I broke and called her in December. I left a message as no answer and said for her to call me if she wanted to catch up. I received a text back apologizing for missing the call and that she would call ‘tomorrow’ so we could catch up. She then didn’t.

I then received a personalized but generic Christmas text off her and then a NY text saying it would be good to meet up soon in 2009. I replied saying that it sounded good and that she could help me check out my new city I’m moving to if she wanted and since then she hasn’t replied.

Can anyone explain what she’s doing as I’m confused?

Thanks

First off, can you explain what your doing? Are you trying to rekindle the flame? Why did you break up in the first place? Sounds to me like she's also confused and is dragging you along for a ride.

Well I'm not trying to instigate anything with her... I want her back, but I understand that she has to make up her own mind on her own - so I've pretty much been in No Contact with her since June.

We broke up because.. Well she lost attraction, but it also coincided with her finals where she handled the pressure poorly.

To be honest, I think I became a bit needy / placing too much importance on her and letting her get away with murder to be honest... but it was also to do with the exams.

However, there's no real reason that's ever been given or discussed... we've never argued. It was all a bit odd. After we split she acted like I didn't exist and left without a goodbye, giving me my keys back etc. She ran away rather than face up to things.

Over-reaction as I was her first serious BF, first love... she was talking about me moving away with her etc.

J

I think you started something and your adding to the confusion. Your first mistake was contacting her, you should've never done that sometimes it's best to leave the past in the past and move forward.

Let this thing go for now. Do not call her, text her, etc. This girl needs to figure herself out. If she calls you act casual and don't make promises to call her back or ask her to.Just let things ride and see where it goes. But do not hold your life up over this. As you said, you became needy when you were together. The last thing you want to do is repeat past mistakes.

Go back to, and stay with No Contact. You're a good example of getting confused all over again, by breaking it.

Just wing it, I'm going through the same thing right now and have kept no contact and she's the one contacting me and I'm just letting it playout and head where its going to head, what happens happens

You need to go back to having no contact.

At present you are setting yourself for a bigger fall and making a lot more baggage to carry around with you.

You made contact off the back of what a friend told you, this person your Ex made no contact with you, you made the contact. Maybe your Ex is just trying be nice rather than just texting back Stay Away.

Well, no contact gave you some sort of security, right? You weren't confused about her anymore, you didn't want to rekindle anything, you were doing just fine. And now, when you broke the NC, you are confused, and you want to rekindle an old break-up that will probably lead to another break up. Statistically, most couples that break up don't end up getting back together and, when they do, it usually ends badly again. All of your confusion started when you started contact, so go back to no contact and move forward. Almost everybody here is giving you the same message, and I hafta say, it's probably right.

Well it's a free country so she can go wherever she wants but that doesn't mean that you have to see her nor have contact with her.

Very briefly, we split last April and have pretty much been in No Contact ever since. I started getting indications that she was cracking September / October time. However, she lived away (she moved for a job) and there were no real reaches of note. Then she told my mate she still loved in November, text me xmas and then again in new year – this time hoping we could meet soon.

She didn’t get back to me when I agreed but then turned up at my leaving party (we talked for about 2 hours …nothing heavy) and then she text a week later, asking if I wanted to meet. She then cancelled via phone as her new job start date had been moved forward and she needed to look for a place to live (she pretty much talked at me for about half an hour about her life …didn’t really ask me much about mine …women lol!) Left it with her to re-arrange when she’d sorted herself out.

Well since then she’s gone awol. I know its only been 10 days since and she has a new job to start, a new home to set up (now pretty near me) and I think she may have been away in Ireland this weekend with her mates (I forget when she said), so I know there are many reasons as to why she’s not contacted me.

However, I can’t help worry that I’ve messed this up somehow …particularly with V Day approaching next week? I’m back in NC and focusing on my new life/job/home etc. The mindset is getting there, but this is difficult to manage as I was sure she was on the point of breaking and now I fear her new life will push me to the back burner once more (perhaps never to return).

Have I misread this situation? Hopefully I am playing this correctly... what would you do?

J

Stop 'playing it'.


This girl is not being fair to you. Why do you want to start a relationship with an ex?

They become an ex for a reason. Dude, go back to NC and concentrate on you. She's only ripping you down because she feels like it (probably bored or something) and now she has things to keep herself busy... bye bye J!

Tell her that you've done just fine without her until now and to stay away if all she's going to do is mess with your emotions.

Best of Luck.

There's an element of truth to the above and she's definitely not being fair I would agree

However, I also think that there's an element of pride/fear (and immaturity) involved - I am fairly certain that she's just not that mean or calculating. I get the distinct impression its more that she doesn't know what she wants or what she's doing than deliberately doing a) then b) etc.

Or that she knows she may have made a mistake, but she's not admitting to it, prides too big, trying to justify it to herself etc. One of her mates called me a few weeks ago and told me that she said she'd asked her if she saw us getting back together and settling down... her response was 'I don't know' - apparently not giving anything away.

That tied in with her admission of love to my mate back in November reinforces my belief that we split for external reasons (and not ones to do with me)

It's been about 9 months now since we split, so I know that I'm not acting out of emotion and that rightly or wrongly I still love her - just don't want to get burned again.

Re: cancellations - They could be excuses (though don't think so), but timing hasn't helped as the 2 times sheis tried to meet I've been in the arctic and then her new job got moved forward, meaning she needed to find a place to live.

Still think I should stay in NC?

J

I really do. Until she comes back with something concrete that you can react and talk about - continue doing what you were doing and concentrate on yourself.

Live for yourself and if she comes into your life she is welcome to join provided everything is sorted and defined, you just get more confused the more she contacts you with mini things and its really not doing you any good at all

Why are you the one jumping through hoops?

If she loves you then she should be putting in equal effort.

You're already making excuses for her and you don't even know what's going on yet. I'm going to go out on a limb and ask 'Remind you of any relationships you've had? '

And you are acting out of emotions, love is an emotion. As people, alot of our actions are done out of some emotion and are normally reactive. But with an ex it's always out of emotion. How could it not be? If there was any truth and love in the relationship to begin with, those emotions don't just go away with NC. NC is about self protection, and in my opinion that's what you need now.

Stay with NC, as you are still so full of false hope, and she is living her life without you in it. You should be doing the same.

Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs.


Read, and reread!!!

Hi Guys

Thanks for the advice - I agree NC moving forward is best for me - its tricky as I thought I'd kind of got it together just before xmas and then she started all of this and has now messed me up a bit again.

I know it is better to think of it as done and dusted - no hope, particularly for my own safety. I am sure it isn't though. Put it this way, if I was with lets say a new girl and we went out and met her, don't think she'd handle it too well (well maybe in front of me, but not afterwards lol).

But, if she doesn't want to play ball I agree there's no point in trying to convince, manipulate the situation. Its up to her at the end of the day.

J

Hi Guys

But, if she doesn't want to play ball I agree theres no point in trying to convince, manipulate the situation. Its up to her at the end of the day.

J

It's actually up to you, remember that!

Well enough time has passed to know I still love her and that for me at least - it was the real deal.

I think I've proven quite difficult for her to 'forget' to be honest - I treated her well and have not caused her a single amount of grief since we split - just focused on improving myself, my life and trying to move on etc.

... and that's the problem - its now not down to me. There's nothing I can say or do to make her change her mind (and keep things good)... so it is down to her, she is the only one who can decide what she wants.

I'm a bit messed up as she appeared to be wobbling BIG time from Nov to 2 weeks ago after I didn't hear from her at all beforehand. Now she's disappeared again (tho its only been a few weeks).

Perhaps it because of Valentines Day... a bit down about it to be honest.

J

Perhaps it cos of Valentines Day ...a bit down about it to be honest.



You and everyone else darlin, stupid made up load of crap!!

I'm not bitter though :D LOL