On May 31st, a little over a month ago, my boyfriend commit suicide and my world fell completely apart. He was my best friend and the happiest person I knew. He got along with everyone and rarely did I ever catch him in a bad mood, which makes it so hard to comprehend why he did it.

The pain is still as real now as it was on day one and I can't seem to wrap my mind around it. It's hard because everyone seems to be moving on but my world is still stopped. This pain is unbearable. He doesn't leave my mind.

I replay the morning over and over in my head. I feel like I am watching a horror movie because I can see it all so clear. He had been found about ten minutes into his attempt and was rushed to the hospital. The long wait to hear how he was was agonizing and I can still see and hear the cop calling us all inside the house to tell us that he had been pronounced.

I don't know what to do with myself. I cry everyday. I feel like my heart is in pieces. My mom wants me to go to counseling, and I tried it but I really didn't like it. She is set on me getting back into reutine, but I don't think I'm ready for it. My friend lost her boyfriend nine months ago in a car accident and she helps me through a lot. It's comforting to know that someone else has been through this.

Any advice to make my heart whole again?

I would say your friend would be your best source for helping you because she is your friend and she knows what you are going through. Don't let anybody tell you how to mourn or not to or get on with your life because you have to deal with it in your own pace and your own way. They mean well but it doesn't really help.
Pick one thing, one memory that really helps get you through. Like one week before my old boyfriend that I was just starting to get back together with died I had called him at work. He said he needed to get back to work and was hanging up the phone. Something made me yell wait and he put the phone back to his ear and said what. I said I love you. I never got to see him again. I think about how glad I was that I got to tell him that as the last thing I ever got to say to him.
He is with you and sometimes you might even feel his presence.