I'm not sure what to do about this.

He has always been like this. He has never been the initiator. He has never been a big flatterer, either.

We have both stopped exercising as much as we used to. We're a little flabby. To put it in perspective, I can still fit into the jeans I wore on our first date, but they are a little too tight for comfort now. This has not been a huge weight gain.

We made a change. I've lost five pounds to date. However, the constant talk about eating right and exercising and getting back into shape has made me very insecure about how I look.

I've been asking him to initiate more and telling him that I need compliments but none of this is forthcoming. I have completely lost any confidence in my sexual appeal. I've stopped feeling comfortable initiating sex. So, there hasn't been any for three weeks. And it's become like a vicious circle. The longer he goes without it, without even trying to initiate, the harder it becomes for me to do it. And I don't even want sex when I feel this way about myself. The whole time I'd be feeling like he's just doing it to placate me even though he doesn't find me desirable. The thought horrifies me.

So, what are your ideas on how to broach this topic with him again? I'm just so afraid I'll do it all wrong and make him feel like I'm pulling some power play, like I've instigated some sort of sexual stand off. I would initiate if I felt I had it in me to do it, right now. I just don't.

I hope I've made some sense, here.

You sort of answered this question right off the start. He doesn't initiate sex, never did. That wasn't a problem in the beginning of your relationship... so why is it now? He never was a flatterer... something has changed in you to want these qualities in your partner that didn't exist before.

Since you've mentioned weight issues, you either have to address these by taking off the weight, or learn to accept and love yourself the way you are. After all, sexy is a state of mind.

Hey, I'm not saying that a little discussion over trying to get your husband to make more effort isn't in order! Experiencing this same issue in my own marriage (!) has lead me to lots of frustration and feelings of inadequacies myself... and I'm hot! Haha. Sometimes you have to remember the qualities your spouse has that you fell in love with in the first place and keep your own 'self - talk' positive! It could be worse... really! I don't mean to minimize your problem - but focus on the positives of your man and you may find that initiating sex is your forte. Plus - it's nice to be in the position to decide WHEN you want it and WHEN you don't! :)

I agree with heyu33 in regard to loving yourself and a little discussion can go a long way.

I had this same issue in my marriage. My husband complemented me so rarely, I could actually count on one hand the times I could remember. That, combined with his inability to initiate sex more than a few times a year began to be unbearable for me after a few years. We had sex frequently, but I was always the one to initiate it, unless I was feeling resentful of the whole situation and would just lose interest in it myself. That never lasted though, cause I'm kind of a horn dog. :D

It was hard for me to explain because he told me he loved me every day. I know there are men out there who have a hard time with that. I thought I should feel lucky, not like I was missing out on something. I felt like I was overreacting, or too needy, but something in me said I had this need, and it wasn't over the top, and that I deserved it as I was a happy, loving, giving, almost-always-in-the-mood wife. AND, I compliment him frequently, as it's just natural for me. When I'm hugging him, it's hard for me not to tell him I love his sexy arms.

We eventually went to a few sessions of marriage counselling (he actually only went once, but I went twice). He was told that this is a NEED I have and that many many other women have, and it's a very easy one for him to fulfill.

It was not only eye opening for him, but very validating for me. I didn't want him to think I was being overly critical, or that I wanted him kissing my ego all day long. I just needed to be thrown a bone once in a while. He said he thought compliments sounded fake a lot of the time, and he hates feeling like he's being fake. But he heard me, and he stepped up.

I have to admit, first it was a little hard to accept. I felt like he was just trying to satisfy me because he said I looked very pretty like every day for a week. I had a hard time accepting that he was sincere, but over time it mellowed out and now things are much more normal feeling. This helped me get to know his likes and dislikes more... I definitely know which pair of pants he likes me in now. :)

The initiation of sex improved along with this as well. I had a hard time talking about it with him because I have a higher sex drive, so I felt embarrassed... like a slut because I wanted to have sex more and exactly like you said, I did NOT want to be having sex with a man who was just placating me. But once the other issues were out, I figured I might as well tell him exactly what the situation was doing to me, which was basically the whole downward spiral of resentment you describe in your question.

He does initiate a bit more now, but the fact that he compliments me really took away my problem with me initating sex. He knows me better than anyone and he loves me for who I am... nympho and all. And he also told me that if he didn't want to do it, he'd turn me down... and since he has never turned me down once in all the years I've known him, then I think that problem was more my issue than his. It was like even though I had mentioned it briefly, until we went to counseling he didn't even realize what was going on with that.

What worked for us was having someone OTHER THAN ME explain to him how sensitive us women are and how INCREDIBLY EASY it can be to make us happy. Our counselor went as far as to write him a "prescription." She got up to get her pad and said, "I'm giving you this and you need to take it once a day." I thought she was nuts to be prescribing a drug for our problems. The look on my husband's face was one of utter shock. I think he thought it was going to be for viagra. She handed it to him and told him to put it in his wallet. It said, "Tell your wife she's hot." For this, I will always love and respect that woman.

Maybe I could have eventually explained this to him, but for us it took someone outside of our situation to clarify things for us and say what I was unable to articulate. I was also able to hear what he had to say and believed him when he said that even though he doesn't say it often enough, he is warm for my form.

One thing that really stood out in your question is that there is a lot of talk about eating right and exercising. Could it be that he has self esteem issues himself? Could he be feeling too flabby or like he's getting old? Sometimes I think men are way more self conscious about their thighs than they let on. And I think they go through their body image issues later in life than we do. Right when we're deciding to love our bodies, they're losing their boyish strength and can feel vulnerable.

Have you tried being sure to flatter him for the things about him that will always be attractive to you? Do you flirt with him? Do you tell him with all sincerity that he gets you worked up? Do you compliment him on what he does for you, even the insignificant things like taking care of the car?

You could tell him that he could help you by doing a few simple things, which might in turn make other things better. Him complimenting you might give you the boost to run that extra mile, or turn down that brownie. Try explaining to him that it is a subtle change that will resonate with you.

Do you have any close friends who could help get the message across? Or is there the possibility of going to a counselor? If not, maybe a book would help? The New Rules Of Marriage by Terrence Real is very good. Heck, just print this off and hand it to him!

Good luck.

Wow... I didn't intend on writing my own book here... lol. I just hope some of that helps.

"He doesn't initiate sex, never did. That wasn't a problem in the beginning of your relationship ... so why is it now? He never was a flatterer ... something has changed in you to want these qualities in your partner that didn't exist before.

Since you've mentioned weight issues, you either have to address these by taking off the weight, or learn to accept and love yourself the way you are. Afterall, sexy is a state of mind."

This is the advice you give me after I've written this:
We made a change. I've lost five pounds to date. However, the constant talk about eating right and exercising and getting back into shape has made me very insecure about how I look.

So, I need to explain something to you that I've already explained and then take care of a problem I'm already taking care of. That's your advice.

Thanks. Thanks a million.

I'm sorry you're having the issue of your husband not initiating sex... welcome to my world! I think that maybe you just need to talk to him about it- just be upfront. That's what worked for me... but I must tell you that you may not like the answer. I told my husband that I want him to be the one to take my clothes off, touch me, etc. and get the moment started. I told him that I feel like I'm the only one who does it (and yeah that made me lose interest in sex w/him). It didn't change completely, because the hubby did tell me that he doesn't feel comfortable initiating it, he doesn't want to tell me when and where to do it, but I told him I think it's sexy. So, he's able to do it sometimes, but more often than not, I think it's still going to be me. After 3 years, I just figure that you can't change the man. But just try and talk to him... see what happens.

Talking about it is a must, don't try to figure it out for yourself it will just drive you crazy and make the problem even bigger. Also, don't feel bad if you're now asking for something that wasn't there in the beginning, people change and our needs change. If you and your partner are serious and want the relationship to last then you have except these changes in each other. It's no wonder that you were fine with it in the begginning but now are not. We're bombarded with images of the perfect female body as well as the message that men get bored over time and need variety and may stray. You're also more emotinally invested now than you were in the beginning so the stakes are higher causeing you to be more vigilant with the health of your relationship. As for the few pounds you gained- come one seriously, you said it yourself, you can still fit into the jeans you wore on your first date. My guess is that your guy wouldn't have even noticed the weight gain if you hadn't pointed it out. Again people change and it's natural to gain weight pver time, especially when you're in a stable relationship, when you're happy you eat more. Also, if your partner's attraction to you was so sensitive that gaining a few pounds would turn him off then he's the one with issues. How do you expect to have children with him or age at all? I'm sure he's realitic enough to know that you won't look the same for the rest of your life and you shouldn't have to obsess about trying to maintain your youthful appearance. You will drive yourself crazy. My guess is that he's just being lazy and needs a kick in the pants since he's used to not havign to do anything to get sex it just comes to him or he just doesn't really know what to do. He could have learned helplessness, or he may just really like it that you initiate and not realize how this is making you feel. I'm sure if you knew that he loves it when you initiate it would make you feel better but I'm also sure that you still need him to do it sometimes too. Every women wants to feel desirable and when we learn growing up that guys always want sex (not exactly true) we assume there's something wrong with us if our man doesn't want us all the time.