This is a bit long, but please if you start reading, this means more to me than I can ever imagine anything ever meaning to me.

My girlfriend broke up with me only 2 days ago. We had been going out for almost 2 years, and we were very much in love. We were amazingly happy together and never had arguments.

We got together at the start of my final year in college, and quickly fell head over heels for each other. After only 5 months, we had decided we wanted to spend our summer together in another country. I know in most parts of the world, moving in so soon after the start of a relationship is normal, but in Ireland, this never happens - all the same we felt right about, and excited. We had the most amazing summer together, and knew we were destined to be with each other. We talked about everything we had right now, and everything we had to look forward to - such as moving in together permanaently, having children, growing old together. It was like a fairytale. Im 23 and shouldn't believe in fairytales, but after that summer and getting to know her, I do.

When we got back to Ireland, it was my girlfriend who was starting her final year. For the first 4 months, everything felt great, we were getting even closer to each other and really falling deeper in love. However, after Christmas, my girlfriend really needed to focus on her thesis (which I willingly and lovingly helped her with). Straight after the these there was study, and then exams. The day her exams finished she went to London for a week, and when she came home she moved back to her home with her parents for the summer to try and save up some money. I never realised all along there was a problem, and until last week, I still hadn't.

I felt the summer apart would be tough on us, I only got to see her once in June because of a lot of family commitments on my side (my parents recently divorced and Im trying to help both of them through it). But even after 3 weeks, everything still seemed amazing, in fact it seemed better because we hadn't seen each other for so long and were so completely addicted to each other.

But a week ago, my girlfriend said she was feeling like she was missing something from us for the last 6 months, and had only realised literally that day that she thought she wasn't in love with me anymore. I had not known any of this - we seemed perfect and she never told me how she was feeling, because she was afraid to hurt me. She tried to break up with me, but found it too hard (as did I, I couldn't let her go). She had to go home that weekend again for work, and I felt petrified as to what just happened, I felt like a rabbit caught in the headlights and didn't react.

Then last Tuesday, she came to visit me - I was so scared as to what was going to happen. We broke up. She said she was crying all weekend over us, and really felt that we had to break up because she was missing something. She still wanted to be the best of friends and wanted me to still be close to her because I was the best part of her life, but felt she would not be feeling empty if we broke up, as she felt she had more to give.

Since then we have talked every night on the phone, and text all day long. She says she still loves me. I still love her. She also says she is worried that she was too rash in her decision to break up, and has started agreeing with me that the reason she was feeling like that was because we weren't able to be ourselves with the pressure of her thesis, study, exams and time apart (and my job) shadowing us for the last 6 months.

She says the time apart since the end of college helped her to realise something was missing, but she also agrees with me now that what she felt during that time was might have been her missing being with me. She doesn't think we will get back together because she doesn't believe someone truly in love would ever hurt another person by breaking their heart like this, but I know when people are confused they can do anything and even though it seems to make sense, down the line it doesn't.

I am worried that if we stay apart too long she will start to justify this to herself more so than she is doing and really believe that we can't be together, and one day she will realise it was a mistake and its too late.

I have asked her if we can get back together and try and work our what she was feeling together, as we never got the chance to do that. She tried to work it out herself, and undoubtedly that affected how she felt as it was putting a lot of stress and pain on her. I didn't realise then, but I know now that was the case. If I had known I would have done everything to talk to her, open up with her and try to rekindle whatever it was that we had lost.

I know that once someone falls in love with somebody, they can do it over and over and over, and each time it feels even more amazing. I know she was in love me, she openly admits to it and said it was the most amazing feeling she ever had - but she doesn't believe she can feel that with me anymore. All I can see is that with everything that went on in the last 6 monthsof our relationship, it would have been tough for there not to have been some changes there to how we normally were - and obviously these changes made her forget she was in love with me.

If we could be together, without the stress of what happened over the last 6 months, without worryng when we are going to see each other again because of the distance between us, I know we can both be in love with each other again.

I need to know what to do. I am afraid if I leave her to it she will forget what being in love as a couple feels like. I also know this space can help her realise that what she really wants is to be with me - since the only thing that makes her unhappy (and she only feels unhappy sometimes) is feeling like she is missing something, I know there is every chance she can miss me more and realise it was a mistake to break up.

I also really feel like chasing this, and not letting go at all. We promsied to each other we would never let go, and until last week we were still saying 'forver'. I would not feel right if I did not fight for the girl I truly love with all my heart, but I know that this could also push her further away by upsetting her.

I know one of the answers to this will that if I truly love her then let he do what she wants to make her happy. But I don't think she knows what she wants, she says herself she is deeply confused by everything at the moment, she knows being with me makes her happy, and she loves being with me. But she hates that she can feel like something is missing. She says she can be too critical, and that she can often get scared of a good thing and always wants something better - personally I don't see that in her, I don't want her to settle for me but I don't want her falsely thinking that she wants something better.

Can someone please tell me what to do, and please also leave advice on what my ex-girlfriend should do, as I have no doubt this is something we should share. I may tell her about this, I may not - I don't want her to be offended by me posting this but I do want to try and help her through this, but I would much prefer to do this as her boyfriend.

Thank you all for your help.

If she's younger or just around ur age & based on ur story of confusion, she's still on the stage adjusting on adolencent life: handling pressures, keepign with the committment etc. As you say, you dont think she knows what she wants & deeply confused by everything at the moment. Dont take this against you, but Ur presence confuses her more. U didnt mention betrayal, abused or any physical violence so just be confident that all ur love & good deeds will find its way someday. Stay away from her. Just divert urself doing something else for now.Best things doesnt always mean the easiest. We can't tell this time if she still wants to be w/u. She sounded bored though.

I find no reason at all why you should not show this thread to her... it sounds like you've opened up more here than you did with her most of the time.

Naturally the holiday and the initial 'chase' was great. But did you continue to show adoration, appreciation and notice special little things about her and compliment her on them after you started to 'settle' in together? Most guys think that when the chase has been 'won' there is no need to continue with the effort.



I didn't realise then, but I know now that was the case. If I had known I would have done everything to talk to her, open up with her and try to rekindle whatever it was that we had lost. You said it, so there is no need for me to - and it's better late than never to come to this realization.

I also know this space can help her realise that what she really wants is to be with me - since the only thing that makes her unhappy (and she only feels unhappy sometimes) is feeling like she is missing something, I know there is every chance she can miss me more and realise it was a mistake to break up. All relationships have thir ups and downs, it takes getting to know each other's moods and interests, and it's a lot of work. We humans are not perfect, but communication helps us understand each other better and if there is more to like - there is almost always a chance to continue working on it together - and that includes missing each other.


I also really feel like chasing this, and not letting go at all. We promsied to each other we would never let go, and until last week we were still saying 'forver'. I would not feel right if I did not fight for the girl I truly love with all my heart, but I know that this could also push her further away by upsetting her. If she has not broken with you completely, you still have a chance - and like I said, it will take work. You will need to tune in on her moods, listen to her and then show her you care and will support her and that you don't want to give up.

Even though we all know that there is no guarantee in life, we can still go after the one we think we can be happy with through thick and thin, Don't give up just yet, but do give her some space - while sending her flowers and little things that will remind her of good times. Also, don't revert back to a 'routine' of a couple that has been together for over 20 years - don't start being boring as that is a turn-off and naturally scares any young woman.

Good luck dear, I hope it works out for you so keep us posted.

No matter what happens, we will be here for you to help you in any way we can.

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Hi Chery,

Thank you for your advice. I still do not know where my ex-girlfriend and I are at. The funny thing is that after reading through some of the comments you left, it just doesn't seems as simple. My ex-girlfriend would be the first to say that I never stopped complimenting here, or doing the little things that made her happy. I would always tell her she was beautiful, and she was no matter what anyone else said. I bought her flowers completely out of nowhere when I could until we figured she seemed to be mildly allergic to the pollen. I would bring her out for surprise meals, romantic dates to the cinema, I would bring her shopping at the drop of a hat, I would drive 3 hours just to see her for no reason other than love. And she always said she loved it, she never gave any sign that anything was wrong.

Tonight is probably one of my lowest nights. I went out with a few of my friends last night who tried to hook me up with this girl, but I couldn't do that to myself (or the girl). I don't want to start using a girl just to get over the over the love of my life, and I don't want to have this hanging over my head if we do get back together, it would make me feel more guilty than I could ever put up with. To make matters worse, my ex-girlfriend has told me she is going out tonight, and I worry that she will hook up with someone, and that will be the absolute end of our relationship. I asked her if it was stupid of me to keep hoping for us to be back together, and she says she doesn't want to get back together feeling like she does right now. To be honest, I have never felt more lonely, or physicallyt sick in my life.

She doesn't think we will get back together because she doesn't believe someone truly in love would ever hurt another person by breaking their heart like this, but I know when people are confused they can do anything and even though it seems to make sense, down the line it doesn't.

Your right it doesn't work at all, but stop the talking, as of yesterday, and take your own sweet time, to think about it ,and work out a plan that allows you to be happy without her. For all that talking, and texting, your no closer than you were before, so walk away, and let her figure it out, without you.



She doesn't want to get back together feeling like she does right now.

No contact with her, and be unavailable for any more BS!

What Tal just said in post #5 may be hard for you to do and you might think that you could never do this to the 'one and only' love of your life and that you'll just die without her in your life. We all know that's not reality. You will not die.. you'll pick yourself up and get on with your life. That's a fact. It will just take time.

Read the first four stickies in this relationship section and see that you are not the only one who has been in love and lost. It hurts like heck, but I promise you will survive it and you will have a life after this.

What you need to do is concentrate on yourself and get back to the young man with goals and interests that you were before you met her and had your world placed upside down.

Don't worry about her or her feelings if you did this or that.. She is going to make her choices with or without you and you should not sit at home and wait until she decides to do what you hope. There are no guarantees in life and love. We have to go along with it, accept the downfalls, pick ourselves up and go on living after a time of healing and remembering the lessons learned.

We will be here for you any time you need to vent or just to talk. There are many things you can do, so start that first step in healing - even if she does come back - it should be under your terms and you have to be strong for that, so start getting there.

Concentrate on your interests, activities and goals. Go out and make new friends and spend time with your old buddies as long as she is not the main subject of conversation. Change the décor and get rid of the stuff that currently reminds you too much of her. We've been there, and it will not be the last time for you either, dear, so chin up and stay with us.

Again, read the stickies and find yourself again.
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