Please tell me what to do. 39 years old dating a man for over a year that I am completely in love with who scared himself (I think) by talking about the future and considered me moving in with him and his kids. He wanted 3 days of space (he's experiencing anxiety/scared). He sent a text today saying "I love you and would like to ask if you would go out with me Friday." Sent a "goodnight luv" tonight. I'm in tears because I don't know why this man that gave me keys to his house, etc. is scheduling time with me all of a sudden, not wanting to talk to me. OPINIONS PLEASE!! As many of you as possible... PLEASE.
-Brokenhearted.

Men craves for space. It's hard for us women to understand that but we have to if u want the relationship to stay.This wont be the first time he'll act aloof, silent or unresponsive as ur relationship will progress.He may just a have a problem, issues he has to deal ALONE. Just respect that.

For now, do something that will make u occupied and can take ur mind off about him. He's still in contact with u right? Just relax and be positive. Worries wont bring u any good. Just talking from experience.

Today is Friday?? Go out with him, and communicate.

That sucks. Men can be so difficult. But I figure he is perhaps trying to be sure if this is the right move for him and his kids. Men are a tad wacko all alone, so add kids and it all gets messy.
Patience, and understanding on your part will make this easier for him. Try to listen intently to what he is saying, and if you can try to read between the lines. What happened to the mom? Did she die, or leave... that could be a part of his fears right now too. Are you the first woman he has invited into his home since the kids mom vacated the premises? This is most likely a very overwhelming time for him, so try not to take it personally. My bets are on him just making sur this makes sense for him and his family. So support is what he needs, listen and make sure you understand what he needs from you to feel better about this very big decision he is making.
Please remember this is most likely no about you, it is about him. He made the decision, just give him time to accept it himself. We women often take on blame, and then we want our men to make us feel better... do not do that, he is not in the state of mind to help you right now, he is the one needing support more than you. If you make this about you, he will figure you are too self induldged to bring into his home. They are the ones making the big adjustment, they are a unit and you are new... go out tonight with him and help him feel better, if he doesn't want to discuss this, then don't. Have fun, remember why you guys are in love and focus on that, he needs you and you needs him, so go out and have fun. Let him start this conversation if he chooses, just make sure he knows that no matter what you love him and you are in for the long haul. Men need to know that you are okay, that will help him stay clear headed and make better decisions concerning your relationship.
If you are drinking, try to drink slow, you don't want to get all sloshy and say some insecure girly thing and turn him away...
So go out and have a great time, wear something cute and irresistible, bring him back to the reasons he fell in love with you in the first place.
Go girl, go get your hair done, do whatever you have to to to feel as good as you can so you can leave all your insecurities at home... your man needs you!

Thank you for the replies so far. It really helped me to be strong, and for a change... a little more silent (so that I could just listen to him). An update for you: he didn't say a thing most of the evening (he took me out to dinner). It was pleasant, but not our usual. I was polite, but not my usual chatty self (oh, and I made sure I looked damn good per your good suggestions). I was confident, not rude, but held back a bit. He did reach out to hold my hand... I finally worked up the courage to ask "How are you doing?" and kept my mouth shout as I listened... he didn't tell me anything earth shattering, but did tell me that he missed me, that he has talked with a lot of people, and knows that he knows that is life is much better with me in it than without. He realizes that we don't have to rush into anything. He briefly told me about some out of court issues he and his ex are working on (she is actually being civil for the moment) and a few other things. Told me again that he was feeling anxious, but knew that I was not the cause.

I did not get any apology for the distance. He told me nicely that "I do not need your help as much as I need your support" (referring to all of things that I have done around his new house (of course, that angers me inside a little for the lack of understanding by him that the reason I have been giving him so much of myself/time IS because he talked about us being together). He did not tell me he was in love with me. I don't expect for him to say either right now.

I held strong... and we did embrace... but I held strong, even though he asked if I would like to just hold each other "tonight," I told him that I was a little thrown by things this week and kindly told him to sleep well. I feel proud for holding strong on that.

I can see what happens I suppose, but feel sad that the joy that resulted from my love for him has been stunted, NOW I am the one who is more reserved/scared. I feel like I am game playing instead of being myself. Truthfully, I don't know how I am going to handle the whole "spending the night" thing, or not. Any suggestions out there?? What would you men suggest, or ladies do? Am I just NOT THE ONE for him? He is a good man. I told him he should not settle. I hope after his miserable divorce a few years ago he is actually able to move on.

Thanks for the previous and future feedback... IT IS SOOOO much appreciated!!

Oh, and I am the first person that he has introduced to his children, family gatherings.. but it has been VERY SLOW until the last couple of months.

Back off, and slow the pace down as he said himself, he needs support and not help. He may not be ready for the same things that you want, even after a year, which is not that much time together, as you have not set the bonding, and communications in play as yet, but its coming.

Since you know he is having a few issues to deal with in his life, give him the space to address them, and be more patient. Of course you want to know more, and especially where you stand, but at this point in time read his actions more than his words, and go from there.

Whatever you do don't neglect your life you had before him. That's your anchor, and you need to keep it.



But feel sad that the joy that resulted from my love for him has been stunted,

Its very important to keep a realistic perspective as you are going gung ho ahead and he is not. You may have to pay more attention to your love for yourself, and less on him, and keep your expectations realistic as well, as no one can give us all we want, when we want a lot. Communications. Keep it slow and steady.

So anything new?

The latest... he has wanted me back around, but I have been tentative now. The chemistry is there. He wanted me around his children again. I "made" him" talk a little more a few days ago. He said he was really thinking about marriage and that's why he got scared. I said "I got news for 'ya... I would not walk down the aisle next year... there is still too much happening with the divorce."

Unfortunately, I spent the night at his request last night (cuddling only) ;) I didn't have the heart to bring up that the computer that he usually guards (works from home on), I looked at the history of the day and found about 5 or girls names (he must have gone on their pages at meetup.com). They all were associated with a divorce group, but still. I left early this morning (I have a professional job). I remembered one of the names and found her as a member on the divorce group... she's cute! Now what??

I had suggested to him earlier when all of this started that maybe we should see other people... he said no. What gives? I find it hard to believe that he is just getting advice. I have been NOTHING BUT PATIENT, UNDERSTANDING, etc. this whole time... isn't it wrong he has ladies names in his history list? Even if he were confiding in them, as his court date is coming up... no coincidence there are no man names there!? How do I confront him now? If I ask him he will know that I looked at his history in the computer.

He is doing what any guy in his circumstances is doing, coping with a divorce, and trying to get a life.

I believe your helping him through a rough period of his life, but I honestly don't believe he is sold on a long term thing, but only what he needs now.

I don't think confronting him will do any good, but you have had fair warning, not to invest any more into this until he does, and pay attention to that as your doing all the work, and he is getting the benefit, and that dynamic is not healthy.

Back off and be less available to his emotional needs, and start taking care of your own. You need a lot more balance in your life.

Hi Whatintheworld,

Tal is a million times correct (as always ;) ) You now should distance yourself from him, and take care of you. Go out and enjoy your life for you, let him deal with whatever he needs to deal with himself. In time, if he comes around, and you feel that you want to perhaps let him back in for a relationship, that's fine. But right now? I would let him go. He isn't doing anything for you at the moment. I know he is going through a hard time in his life right now, but he is needing his space, and you should take yours too. Go out and have fun!