Hey everyone, I am new here.
I have a problem, hope you guys can help.
When I was 18 I met a guy and fell completely in love, after week of seeing each other I moved in with him. We had a great relationship for about a year and the year after that things started falling apart, I can't say exactly what happened but I think it was that we were both young and silly. He was 25 back then. So anyway, I left and it was the most terrible time of my life, I missed him like crazy for the next 10 years, even after I met another man and moved to another country and had 3 children. I even named my third child after him.
My relationship with the other man ended after 8 years and I moved back home with my children and about a year after that I happened to run into the love of my life at a phone box.
A couple of months after that, (he was working away and was buggering me around) we got together, he moved in.
I was over the moon.
It's been 8 years and one child later and every day I think of leaving him.
Am I crazy?
Here's the reason. Right from the start he was lazy, and selfish, but I saw past that. Cause I was in love. He wouldn't even let the kids touch his play station but would play it in front of them. He worked away a lot and lived the high life while I was at home with the kids. I remember the day we moved house and he went and played golf and my sister and I did all the hard work, I ended up having a miscarraige. I have had a constant battle with him to try and get things around the house done. I used to pay someone to come and mow the lawn. We fought constantly about the kids and the way he can be so degrading to them and the way he spends no time at all with them. I felt like the mum and the dad. He has never taken the boys fishing or riding or anything and I used to get so upset watching other dads and their kids doing the stuff my kids should be doing. I take the boys fishing and to the park to play footy and I have to say that I love doing that but it would be nice for them to have that special male connection. He gets on really well with my daughter. She is an angel. They all call him dad and have his last name. Another thing that gets me about him is that he is useless with money and soomehow we ended up 12000 dollars behind in the rent! Yes that's not a typo, its 12000. Its taken me 7 years to get him to set up direct debit. It was like he was living the single life but enjoying having a woman around. He did not bother paying tax for 5 years and I'm stressed because sooner or later he will get found out.
Now, I know it sounds bad, and some of this is my fault to for letting it happen I know, but I was trying to make him see light.
About 2 years ago he went away for 7 months on and off to do a job, while he was gone I decided to go out and have some fun, (he was very angry about that) and as things turned out I had a great night with friends we know from the pool comp we play in on saturdays. One of the guys there I had known for quite a few years as an acquaintance, he was having a hard time with his ex and we started talking. That's were it all began. We formed a strong emotional attachment and I have been trying to let it go ever since.
My partner ended up guessing something was going on and immediately decided not to go away anymore and quit his job (something I had been trying to get him to do forever). I told him what was going on and he was very upset but he understood my reasons. Things went downhill from there as he became impossible and wanted to know every step I made, where I was, who I was with. I kicked him out but he was still over bearing and very apologetic and promised things would change. I let him move back in because we have such a history and I do love him. He was good for a few months, and now the tables have turned and I am studying and working, he cooks the dinner and does more housework and tries hard to be the dad he should (still no fishing or biking or anything). It just seems to me that for anything to get done I have to argue with him. I have no doubt he loves me , he does everything for me , he makes my dinner after work, makes sure I am looked after but I just doesn't seem enough for me. I wanted the kids to grow up in a happy loving family.
The other guy and I tried hard, he loves me, wants to look after the kids, he has his own business and is organised, I am sure he would do a good job but my ex made it impossible for us to give anything a go. It's been 2 years and this other guy is still asking me to come to him and give him a chance. Him and I talk well together ,have a lot in common... we click. But I am scared that I mighht spend the next 10 years missing my ex like I did once before, I think I am a wimp, too comfortable for change. What do you readers think I should do? Help. P.s sorry about the spelling mistakes... I am late for work lol.

It sounds like you fantisize about this guy when not with him (and you don't remember the real situation). Stop fantisizing and find someone real. You need to get yourself in order first!

Hi just me, can you elaborate on your answer a little? I do fantasize about him a lot, but that's because I think it could be so good. Its been a long time now. We don't see each other at all except for saturdays at the pub but I go there with my partner so it's always tense. I was always up front with my man about what was going on, I didn't hide anything from him. I couldn't. I would have felt terrible. Tell me what you mean about "the real situation" thanks.

I think you should do whatever it takes to resolve your feeling with the ex before you get involved with anyone else. How can you commit to anyone with this hanging over your head??

Maybe being alone for a time could help you work out your feelings, with the counsel of a trusted older friend, or someone you respect. For sure I really don't think you should be with either of them, as they seem to put too much pressure on you, leaving you confused about what you want. That's what you must find out, what you really want.

So far I have stuck with my gut feeling. The reason I took him back the second time was because I needed to know if I was still in love with him or if I was with him out of comfort, we have been together so long and he knows me inside out and I didn't feel I had the strength or desire to start from scratch with someone new. I have thought about being on my own, just me and the kids and the thought is great at times, I would love it. My question is, isn't that how everyone in a relationship feels at times? Isn't that normal to want to escape? I worked out that this is not just comfort, I really do love him because deep inside I know that he is a very decent person, he just has a backward way of going about things at times. So that's why I am here. The other reason is because of me... I know myself that I can be impulsive, I get bored easy I am high energy, I like change but at the same time I love the comfort of my own little world and like to retreat to my room at times and just watch movies, its times like these when I am most happy and comfortable in my relationship. Sounds strange I know. I am just wondering if maybe I am too hard on those around me??

I don't know you that well but you seem deep with this guy for a long time and sounds as though he may not meet your exact standard, but tries hard. So what's the attraction with this other fellow that has you so distracted? Besides the material things.

You need to settle the feelings with your ex before you can begin to have a healthy relationship with your present partner

The attraction isn't so much material things at all, it's the fact that he is organsized and adult. I know that it may sound silly to some but to see a man with his tax receipts all in order and one that can wake up and actually go to work on time every day... you get my picture? That's what it is, I could live in a tent and be happy but I need someone who is willing to live there with me.My present partner tries hard at times, he has big ideas that never happen, he has been handed everything on a silver platter up until now. He blames everyone else for his mistakes. But I love him because he is a gentle sweet caring person. I know he loves me. He just can't pull his together at times.

I see this is not about them at all, but about you not being able to choose. When you commit to someone its often because of the good things about them, that out weigh the bad, its about what, and how far you accept the not so good, that makes a committed partnership work.

Its okay, and natural to be attracted to, and love, and admire others, but the real question is all about what you do with those feelings. Maybe your impulsive nature needs some discipline.

Choose the one you love, and can be loyal and faithful to. And have the guts to leave the other alone.

Now you live with this fellow, and have a long history with him, so my guess is stay with the one who is already their, and honor the commitment you have made to him, by living together, and instead of being distracted by another, focus on how to help him succeed. Trying to give all the attention a partner needs, is next to impossible, when one foot is already out the door, and our thoughts are not focused, where it should be.

You said you would live in a tent, if someone were there with you, so guess what, you have that already, so now what are you looking for??

I have thought about your last comment and mulled over it for a few days now. I can't live in a tent with a man who wouldn't even kow how to put a tent up. I would have to do it. And I couldn't live in a tent with a man who treats my oldest son like he's a piece of you know what. I can't live in a tent with a man that's too lazy to hunt for food cause we would all starve. But I would live in that tent with that man just because it would make him happy. Isn't that stupid.

No, its not, but you haven't said what you need, that makes you happy. The thing about making others happy, will they appreciate it, or take it for granted.

It's a lot more important for you to be happy, and there is no rush, so take the time to find out. Alone.