My brother was in the Hospital for 2 months and my boyfriend only went to the Hospital twice. He stayed away from me and never came to visit me at home.

Its been more than two weeks since my brother has passed and it still hurts that through everything My boyfriend wasn't there for me. Yesterday I looked through his phone to maybe find out what is more important than me. He was so angry that I did that and asked him questions.

4 years ago my oldest brother passed away also, and again My boyfriend wasn't there. He doesn't know how to handle death which is understandable, But what I don't understand, is why he chose not to be there for me and purposely just stayed away for me when I could have used his support.

We have been dating for 7 years..

Im I asking for too much?

Yes it is too much to ask for... from an uncaring guy.
If he continues to avoid you disappear from his life.

I think the above advice is abrupt and possibably un nessecery. It sounds as though your boyfriend doesn't know how to handle the situation. Before I would accuse him of not caring I would ask, how is he with normal issues. Does he help and support you in other areas and at other times of distress? If not then yes he may just be selfish and then its best to just get rid.

But if you think this is the main situation that seems to alienate him, then as I see it you have 3 choices.

You either ignore it, which will probably end up with you separating if you need him again and he isn't there. You can talk to him and try and find out what it is that makes him uncomfortable or unable to help, and finally you could try couples counselling.

Personally the 2nd and 3rd choice would be the path I would suggest as there is no point just walking away without finding out whether it is possibly to rectify. After being together 7 years, if the relationship is good in other areas then that is definitely the best choice.

Best wishes

S

He will do the same thing when your parents die, friends, other relatives if you stay with him. Ask yourself if you can/want to stay with him knowing that. Good luck.

Shane,

I didn't say he doesn't have a good reason or tell her to say "sod it" and walk away. I told her to figure out if she would be able to accept, whether he has good reason or not, the fact that he has an issue with death. If she can't accept that, she doesn't need to put herself in a position to go through those times alone and he doesn't need to be pushed into doing things he is truly uncomfortable with. I didn't write him off, nor did I ask her to. I gave her advice to decide for herself, and don't appreciate the reddie.

Bumped the submit button,
I don't think it is so much that she expected him to go to the funeral but that she is upset that two weeks later and he is not there for a shoulder to cry on or a boyfriend that is saying he cares and wants to help her through this.
I can relate to not wanting to go to the funeral but this is besides that fact.

Well actually smokedetector you said he WILL do it again, my point is that maybe he will but if he was able to address his own issues, maybe he won't. Don't get me wrong, if he is not supportive at any point, including the issue raised here then maybe he is just selfish. But if under normal circumstances he is supportive but when it comes to mortality he bottles it, then his own issues need to be addressed as well.

Also, advice to decide for yourself is not advice. Its telling them to make their own decision ;) I don't know what reddie means but as I'm sure you appreciate, we are only able to offer our own opinions. Who's right? Danged if I know. All I do know is I have had women leave me over issues that I wanted to work through but didn't feel strong enough. I know she totally deseves his support but if she feels the 7 yrs have been good other than the issue raised here then my advice is to try and work through it. That's all, I meant no offence to eddica and certainly didn't mean offence to you either smoke'.

Apologies

S

i dont know what reddie means
S

It means doing a disagree: on a reply.

Actually, it helps a lot of people to look at things objectively, which they often do not when they're in the middle of things. This is how he is and how he reacts to a situation. In all likelihood, he will do again next time. It is hard for people to change something that big. Not that it's not possible, just not probable, and on those grounds, he will react the same way he reacted that last time. There is a difference between telling people "I don't know, figure it out yourself" and telling them "This is how he is. You should make a decision on whether or not you can live with it." That was my opinion, and a decision I could definitely not make FOR her. I can't tell her to go or stay, as I don't know what she WANTS to do, and in the end, she will do what she wants. I simply tried to point out something to think about.

And as a general rule, if you don't know what it is, don't do it.

Here is a link for help:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum-help/using-comments-feature-official-guidelines-24951.html

I agree with smokedetector for the most part.
If he has a habit of not communicating with you on an emotional level when things are tough besides dealing with death then there is little doubt he will ever change.
If you discuss this with him and he makes an effort to meet you part way in learning to comfort you then it can possibly work. Otherwise learn to live with it or really consider if you want to be with him long term because you can't handle it the way it is.

My brother was in the Hospital for 2 months and my boyfriend only went to the Hospital twice. he stayed away from me and never came to visit me at home.

Its been more than two weeks since my brother has passed and it still hurts that through everything My boyfriend wasnt there for me. yesterday I looked through his phone to maybe find out what is more important than me. He was so angry that I did that and asked him questions.

4 years ago my oldest brother passed away also, and again My boyfriend wasnt there. he doesnt know how to handle death which is understandable, But what I dont understand, is why he chose not to be there for me and purposely just stayed away for me when I could have used his support.

We have been dating for 7 years..

Im i asking for too much?
I think as hard as it may be right now, you need to find a new man. I don't think you should have to ask AT ALL in a situation like your's... your man/ a man, should WANT to be by your side and comfort you, as a friend to say the least. It is out of pure respect for you and you're family that he should have been there for you.

Move on. You deserve better. So sorry to hear about your losses.

Or let me rephrase that, dump him, and take some time for yourself for awhile. His excuses that he doesn't know how to deal with the situation is B.S. It doesn't take a genious to know how to comfort someone they love.

And as a general rule, if you don't know what it is, don't do it.

Was that addressed to me?

If so, 1st, how can I not dosoething if I don't know what it is when I do it? And 2nd, while you may not appreciate me reddieing you it is a feature desgned for me to either agree or disagree with you, if you don't like this feature I would suggest that you ask to have it removed as a feature.

OK, having read some other posts here I am going to make one final post before I leave. The title of this web site is advice for real experts, I am now realising that none of you are. Anyone trained and qualified as a counsellor or a psychologist would NEVER advise someone to leave. Its exactly the opposite to what you are told to do while training. Which incidetially I have been doing for the last 6 years.

Having realised this I would suggst that this advice is not taken unless you are fully aware that the opinions expressed are completely against the advice suggested by either the BCC or the APA. Casual advice from general people is fine, but it should NOT be advertised as advice from experts.

Fair well and I hope you get the advice a serious situation like this deserves. Which is not a whole load of opinionated statements.

if so, 1st, how can i not dosoething if i dont know what it is when i do it? and 2nd, while you may not appreciate me reddieing you it is a feature desgned for me to either agree or disagree with you, if you dont like this feature i would suggest that you ask to have it removed as a feature.

1st An example: Many people insist even demand people do for them without telling them the details
Many people that have a 'sense of entitlement' (I call it the everybody owes me) do that.

2nd if you read the site rules the reddies are for incorrect answers like legal or health
NOT opinion.

How can it be titled agree or not agree but not be for your opinion?

This site suffers from a small group of advisors who love tobe the center of attention, I have noticed a lot of peoples suggestions and advice being flamed by the same people. This isn't about your egos!! This is about offering the best advice for people. If your not experts on the subject then don't comment, simple.

I would advise people to get their advice from Yahoo questions, the answers there are just about as "expert" as they are on here.

You're supposed to read the instructions before you put the swing together, or else it's not the companies fault when the kid busts her head open.

You should have read the rules of the site. In any case, if you think Yahoo is a better fit for you, that's A-OK with me. And for 6 years of training, you're not very professional, I might add.

Hello Everyone! I wanted to say thank you for all the really good advise. One question I seen a lot of people ask is how My ex is in other situations, Well he is like this 24/7.. I was just surprised that he would leave me heanging, but when I think about it.. he always does.
I am single now and trying to deal with the death and the loss of a love!

AGAIN thank you for the support.

I figured if you looked at the over all relationship you would see if there was a pattern that was cause for leaving him or accepting how he is and working it out.
Hope it all works out for you.

how can it be titled agree or not agree but not be for your opinion?

Actually shanek, it says "this statement is accurate" and "this statement is NOT accurate"

Comment on the accuracy of this answer. (required)
Yes factual/accurate not opinion

Yahoo users really abuse the disagree since it is anonymous
That is why the disagree button is not for opinion because everybody has one.

I think your boyfriend need to understand that you need him in any situation.but I think you should give him a chance.if he still don't get it, saty away from him because that shows that he will not be there for u,if you were the one at the hospital