Hello all! I am new and love the boards.

I am confused and I probably have every right to be confused. Here is my story and situation:

History: Six years ago, I met this guy due to us having the same Professional Career. My acquaintance with him was STRICTLY professionally related, nothing more, nothing less. Basically, I knew of him from a professional standpoint only because we had a project in common. When we communicated about this project, it was via the telephone. At the end of the project, we had an opportunity to meet one time in person. Still, it was a professional setting and the whole focus was the project.

Fast forward. A year ago, a career advancement opportunity became available; I applied, interviewed, and received the position. The interviewer was the guy mentioned above; which means he is my boss and we are now working at the same location. For an entire year, we maintained a STRICTLY PROFESSIONAL RELATIONSHIP. One day, as I was leaving for the day, he made a flirtatious remark to me. I blushed and asked him what he meant by the remark; he said he would tell me one day.

After a month of an occasional flirt here and there, we crossed the lines, took it to another level, and became involved. During the past two months, everything was PERFECT. Outside of our profession, we communicated on the phone every day, text each other like crazy, and saw each other weekly. Everything just rather flowed. We are both under the same impression that “FATE” brought us together. Neither of us has talked anything serious; we keep it at I miss you and I am thinking of you.

The Problem: I am on vacation for a month. For whatever reason, and please do not ask me why, one day, I decided to become distant and I STOPPED ALL communication with him for almost a week. I was miserable and missing him like crazy, I mean really, really missing him. During this time, he was calling me like crazy; he left voice messages, text messages, whatever he could do, he did. However, I would not take or return the calls.

Finally, after not being able to take it any longer because I was missing and thinking about him every waking moment, I decided to start back communicating with him and I acted as if EVERYTHING was fine. I even tried to put it on him by telling him he changed his mind or accused him of dumping me, but he wasn't trying to have that, he said I needed to spank myself for saying such things.

Well, things were back to normal, so I thought and I acted as if NOTHING ever happened. All of a sudden, the next day, he STOPPED communicating with me and started doing the Same thing to me as I did to him. Of course, I am going crazy and don't know what to make of it, it‘s been 6 days since I spoke to him and 4 days since I last attempted to contact him. What do I do? My emotions are full throttle and this is really driving me crazy. Please help!

Michelle

Sounds like he may figure pay back was due, if it lasts more than the week, most likely he decided that he did not like being treaed that way esp without some "I am sorry"

I say contact him and suggest Dinner or a movie simple as that then when out say..
'you know something... we both acted like jerks with each others emotions I'm big enough to say I'm sorry I was just not sure where my head was...
Im really sweet on you and would like to try again'
Simplistic.. yep but it sounds like you have more chance of getting it going than a lot of us here

The sack

Next time you call his voicemail, leave him a message that acknowledges that you did the same thing to him for a whole week, and that you don't blame him for giving you pay back, and that you deserve it. (You kind of do).That's probably what he's looking for. Payback. Who can blame him?

I'd say just suck it up, and when you've received your payback, you two can laugh it off and go back to normal.

Dish it out but can not take it. Hmmm, sounds like a game you do not want to play anymore.

I would say the same as above, you made the decision to act that way, not the consequence of possibly not being close anymore?

He gets that the reason why your acting and saying certain things is because you were probably thinking about those things yourself.

You may be going crazy but you need to control your emotions. I do not know if this is Chase or be chased game. You need to figure that out on your own. Just do not act desperate, whatever you do.

Into John's voice mail: "Hi John, this is Michelle. Ok, I get it. Boy do I get it. I am so very sorry for you giving you the silent treatment before. I see now just how much this hurts. I do want you to stop giving me the silent treatment, but even if you don't, just hear this one thing - I get it and I am sorry, please forgive me for doing it. Boy, I really didn't need to play games with you, and now I can accept responsibility for what I did. Let me know if there's anything I can do for you. Even if we're over now because of my silliness, I still hope you will forgive me so we can at least keep our friendship intact. I think that's most important of all. Again, I'm so sorry and thank you, really, for helping me see how badly I acted."

Maybe the OP, is just overreacting too. Maybe getting paranoid because of what she did to this guy. Thinking now he will do the same thing. How long as it been since he contacted you? How long did you not contact him?

Thanks Sokay! Okay, I semi did acknowledge my actions. The last time that I attempted to make contact with him, I sent a text message to him stating "I guess I now know how you must have felt or what you probably thought when you hadn't heard from me after making several attempts". Do you not think that was good enough? :cool: Although your statement has some validity in respect to my deserving the payback, admitting it to him would sound a little desperate on my behalf, I do believe. Other than that, I really don't blame him.

Michelle

Next time you call his voicemail, leave him a message that acknowledges that you did the same thing to him for a whole week, and that you don't blame him for giving you pay back, and that you deserve it. (You kinda do).That's probably what he's looking for. Payback. Who can blame him?

I'd say just suck it up, and when you've received your payback, you two can laugh it off and go back to normal.

Thanks Sack. I do believe in being the bigger person, but at what point would it look more like desperation? The thing is, I am not sure where my head was/is and probably went into shield mode.

Michelle



I say contact him and suggest Dinner or a movie simple as that then when out say..
'you know something....we both acted like jerks with each others emotions im big enough to say im sorry i was just not sure where my head was...
Im really sweet on you and would like to try again'
Simplistic.. yep but it sounds like you have more chance of getting it going than a lot of us here

the sack

Wow JB, Although your post sounds wonderfully well, for some odd reason, it keeps screaming desperate, chase, pursue, desperate (oops, said that already). :D Don't you think the text kind of served the same purpose?

At this point, I see that the consensus is that I played a game and I should bombard him with all sorts of I'm sorry, I played this silly game and with great hopes, you will forgive me? Whew, this is tough, really tough, tougher than tough. Wow, what a naughty girl I was. I'm feeling better already. :p

Seriously, I think it has been very well established that I started this, although not intentionally. In fact, I even mentioned it at the beginning of the post. So, can we at least move past the she started it; no he started it in an attempt to get a resolution?

Michelle


Into John's voice mail: "Hi John, this is Michelle. Ok, I get it. Boy do I get it. I am so very sorry for you giving you the silent treatment before. I see now just how much this hurts. I do want you to stop giving me the silent treatment, but even if you don't, just hear this one thing - I get it and I am sorry, please forgive me for doing it. Boy, I really didn't need to play games with you, and now I can accept responsibility for what I did. Let me know if there's anything I can do for you. Even if we're over now because of my silliness, I still hope you will forgive me so we can at least keep our friendship intact. I think that's most important of all. Again, I'm so sorry and thank you really, for helping me see how badly I acted."

Yeah my gram pa told me that a guy doesn't want a girl that always calls after they break up but they want the ones that don't call easier said then done but trust mem it works

I sent a text message to him stating "I guess I now know how you must have felt or what you probably thought when you hadn't heard from me after making several attempts". Michelle

Yes, that's a start at least. I understand not wanting to come off too desperate. But maybe you could slack of on calling him a bit. Once every other day. If this goes on for more than a week total, just call every 3 or 4 days. He probably doesn't feel like you've felt his pain yet, so it might be a couple more days before he gets back to you. But I think he will. Don't stop calling him yet, but after a while call him less and he'll probably worry and call you.

And, also, try to make the situation a bit humorous, poke a little fun of yourself for getting payback. It'll probably smooth over.

The message I suggested was a VOICE message, not a text. They aren't even remotely the same thing. And you're right, you very well could come off sounding desperate. Your goal is to use your voice tones to insure that doesn't happen, and sending that info via text removes that level of communication. As a text it could well be the wrong message, as a voice message it should work nicely, or something very similar.

I tried to word it to emphasize "I am sorry, I hope you forgive me" and intentionally left out any "please take me back / give me another chance" lingo. That's the stuff that makes it sound pleady and self-serving, when what I was going for was pure, innocent and sincere apology.

A text message can never replace a voice message, and an in-person discussion trumps them all and always will.

Acknowledge, say your sorry then leave him to decide. That's it. Plain and simple. Karma hurts so bad sometimes, you know.

You had a loosely defined relationship in the first place, before you played your games with him, and his response was right on, and honestly, I'd be worried about it happening again, and save myself the confusion and drama by leaving you alone.

Apologize, and leave him alone. You should have thought of the long term effects of your actions beforehand, so now don't be needy or desperate, just genuinely sorry, learn your lesson, and move forward. If he wants to contact you, he will, but don't bet on it.

Keep what's left of your dignity, and self respect.

Yes, that's a start at least. I understand not wanting to come off too desperate. But maybe you could slack of on calling him a bit. Once every other day. If this goes on for more than a week total, just call every 3 or 4 days. He probably doesn't feel like you've felt his pain yet, so it might be a couple more days before he gets back to you. But I think he will. Don't stop calling him yet, but after a while call him less and he'll probably worry and call you.

And, also, try to make the situation a bit humorous, poke a little fun of yourself for getting payback. It'll probably smooth over.

Thanks again, sokay. I don't know if you missed it, but I ATTEMPTED to contact him a few times for 2 days after we last talked. After being unsuccessful, I stopped trying. It has been exactly 1 week today since the last time we talked and 5 days since I last initiated any type of contact. Mind you, these few attempts were strictly through his cell phone. So, in essence, it took me a grand total of 2 days to STOP CALLING!

The message I suggested was a VOICE message, not a text. They aren't even remotely the same thing. And you're right, you very well could come off sounding desparate. Your goal is to use your voice tones to insure that doesn't happen, and sending that info via text removes that level of communication. As a text it could well be the wrong message, as a voice message it should work nicely, or something very similar.

I tried to word it to emphasize "I am sorry, I hope you forgive me" and intentionally left out any "please take me back / give me another chance" lingo. That's the stuff that makes it sound pleady and self-serving, when what I was going for was pure, innocent and sincere apology.

A text message can never replace a voice message, and an in-person discussion trumps them all and always will.

Whew, this is so hard for me. Why do I have to say I am sorry, please forgive me, I apologize or any of that other stuff? Help me understand this concept because I am sooooooo lost. I mean, I DO believe in apologizing when I KNOW for a fact that I "UNINTENTIONALLY" did something to cause someone pain. However, I "DON'T" believe in apologizing for saying or doing something that I strongly believe in. I am a strong willed person and saying I'm sorry or I apologize just because it might make someone feel better will more than likely NEVER come from my mouth or fingers.

For the record, I DO agree with your text vs. voice message concept. :D

Michelle

You gave him the silent treatment for no reason. You admitted that. He hadn't done anything to deserve being brushed off for a week or more, but you just did it anyway. YOU said you ignored his "calling you like crazy".

You were wrong. I have no idea what position you think you're defending that "you believe so strongly in" that you won't apologize for that.

You hurt him. You tried to act like "EVERYTHING was fine" and ignore what you did. Well, HE remembers if you don't.

I am a strong willed person and saying I'm sorry or I apologize just because it might make someone feel better will more than likely NEVER come from my mouth or fingers.Hon, you best rethink that. From your own story you've admitted in this situation YOU did him wrong for no reason... and you have no ability to apologize for that?

You not only need to be able to humbly apologize to people you love when you do them harm, intentionally or not (and this time it was intentional), but you ALSO need to realize that apologizing to a loved one to open the doors of communication again is a REQUIRED skill.

If you stand by your guns about never using sincere apology technique to calm and console a loved one, you are crippling your happiness factor in the future. I'm just saying, someday you'll love someone enough to realize what I'm talking about. Perhaps you just don't have "it" for this guy to that degree. And that's fine.

Meanwhile, none of that applies here. You "cold shouldered" him and then acted like you hadn't hurt him. Well, you did, you need to own it, you need to apologize and the apology needs to be one that's not aimed at getting him back into your arms, rather it's an apology aimed at just saying "I'm sorry, I hope you can forgive my pointless hurtfulness."

Feel free now to ignore all this and stand by your "never going to apologize" standard. How that helps you I don't know. In my best relationship, it's not about winning or being right, it's about being loving and accountable. I do not consider apologizing a "loss", but you clearly do. That's unfortunate, because it's actually the first volley in a win-win game.

not consider apologizing a "loss",. because it's actually the first volley in a win-win game.
Had to spread the rep, but truer words have not been spoken!

You had a loosely defined relationship in the first place, before you played your games with him, and his response was right on, and honestly, I'd be worried about it happening again, and save myself the confusion and drama by leaving you alone.

Apologize, and leave him alone. You should have thought of the long term effects of your actions beforehand, so now don't be needy or desperate, just genuinely sorry, learn your lesson, and move forward. If he wants to contact you, he will, but don't bet on it.

Keep whats left of your dignity, and self respect.

"Loosely defined" according to who or what meanings or interpretations? To us, the relationship was "VERY TIGHTLY" defined according to each of our own meaning. Neither of us expected something from the other that we "COULDN'T" deliver. Well, at least he didn't reveal any expectations that I couldn't deliver. WE saw something that WE BOTH wanted and WE WENT for it. In fact, after our first intimate encounter, he posed the question "where will this road take us?" Did either of us respond? Nope. Why? Probably because we were just living, enjoying life for the moment and doing what was MAKING us HAPPY! We didn't know, nor did we concern ourselves with it.

Interesting that you all refer, to it as a game because playing a game "NEVER" once crossed my mind. I do not believe in knowingly participating in games of these sorts; it's just not my cup of tea.

The wonderful word "APOLOGIZE", why apologize, especially apologize and then leave him alone, what's your rationality behind this? Is apologizing SUPPOSED to help my dignity and self respect? Sounds more like destroying it to me. :confused: Help me understand, please.

Michelle

Hi Michelle,
At the very least you need to have a face to face with him and ask him what the deal is. He is most likely giving some payback. If he tells you so, then what he is looking for is an acknowledgment and apology. But if you feel that you did nothing wrong then don't apologize for the sake of apologizing. Total honesty is needed at this time.

However I can almost guarantee he is looking for an apology. He is putting the ball in your court. And if you are unable to give a sincere one, you have to accept the possibility that what you had with him may end right then and there.

You gave him the silent treatment for no reason. You admitted that. He hadn't done anything to deserve being brushed off for a week or more, but you just did it anyway. YOU said you ignored his "calling you like crazy".

You were wrong. I have no idea what position you think you're defending that "you believe so strongly in" that you won't apologize for that.

You hurt him. You tried to act like "EVERYTHING was fine" and ignore what you did. Well, HE remembers if you don't.
Hon, you best rethink that. From your own story you've admitted in this situation YOU did him wrong for no reason...and you have no ability to apologize for that?

You not only need to be able to humbly apologize to people you love when you do them harm, intentionally or not (and this time it was intentional), but you ALSO need to realize that apologizing to a loved one to open the doors of communication again is a REQUIRED skill.

If you stand by your guns about never using sincere apology technique to calm and console a loved one, you are crippling your happiness factor in the future. I'm just saying, someday you'll love someone enough to realize what I'm talking about. Perhaps you just don't have "it" for this guy to that degree. And that's fine.

Meanwhile, none of that applies here. You "cold shouldered" him and then acted like you hadn't hurt him. Well, you did, you need to own it, you need to apologize and the apology needs to be one that's not aimed at getting him back into your arms, rather it's an apology aimed at just saying "I'm sorry, I hope you can forgive my pointless hurtfulness."

Feel free now to ignore all this and stand by your "never gonna apologize" standard. How that helps you I don't know. In my best relationship, it's not about winning or being right, it's about being loving and accountable. I do not consider apologizing a "loss", but you clearly do. That's unfortunate, because it's actually the first volley in a win-win game.

Thanks again, JB. Okay, I don't consider "whatever reason" to be the same as "no reason" because obviously, there WAS a reason. The implication of "please don't ask" valitified the "whatever reason", at least to me it did. So, to me, my actions were not intentional. Okay, wait, I INTENTIONALLY ignored his calls because that is WHAT I WANTED to do at that time. Did I know it was inflicting pain upon him at that time? Nope. Did it ever cross my mind? Nope. I am defending the fact that I DO what's in my best interest and I KEEP my happiness at the forefront. At the time, from an emotional standpoint, I thought it was in my best interest NOT to take his calls. When I felt otherwise, I took his call. Do I apologize for that? Nope. Do I think I was WRONG at that time? Nope, I think not.

Hurt? Harm? Pain? Grief? Did I truly cause that? Hmm, how on earth do I know, I am not a mind reader because he DEFINITELY didn't mention it, suggest it, infer it or anything similar. So, my question is where's the indication that MY ACTIONS inflicted pain upon him?

I cold shouldered him, I ignored him, I acted as if everything was perfectly normal! Yes, I did all of the aforementioned and I OWN it. I OWN IT! Gosh, I OWN IT! :D Will I apologize for the things I just OWNED up to? Was any of my actions done UNINTENTIONAL? Nope! Will I apologize for my intentional actions? For all intent purposes, I think you already know the answer.

Michelle

Hehe, Ok, I completely understand you now. Wow, interesting stuff, but OK. I get it.

I can't imagine why your guy isn't calling you, you seem to be perfectly fine. It must be him.

Hi Michelle,
At the very least you need to have a face to face with him and ask him what the deal is. He is most likely giving some payback. If he tells you so, then what he is looking for is an acknowledgment and apology. But if you feel that you did nothing wrong then don't apologize for the sake of apologizing. Total honesty is needed at this time.

However I can almost guarantee he is looking for an apology. He is putting the ball in your court. And if you are unable to give a sincere one, you have to accept the possibility that what you had with him may end right then and there.

Thanks bigdee! I think it's pretty safe to say that he is indeed giving me some payback. However, if he was hurt by my actions and is expecting an apology, why on earth did he NOT reveal this information when I finally took his call 7 days ago? Wouldn't you think that even if I was wrong at the time, his actions AFTER the fact overrides mine? If so, I am no longer the guilty party, he is.

Michelle

Thanks bigdee! I think it's pretty safe to say that he is indeed giving me some payback. However, if he was hurt by my actions and is expecting an apology, why on earth did he NOT reveal this information when I finally took his call 7 days ago? Wouldn't you think that even if I was wrong at the time, his actions AFTER the fact overrides mine? If so, I am no longer the guilty party, he is.

Michelle

I would guess that he wants you to recognize his feelings and apologize without him needing to express anything to you. When you guys got together after that first "pause" initiated by you, he was waiting for you to explain yourself and gave you a bit of time to do so. When he realized that he wasn't going to get it, he then tried to make his point and "nudge" an apology out of you by giving you the silent treatment. I would rather he just flat out tell you the deal but sometimes it is hard to get across your true feelings in situations like this because of emotions. I can relate...

Hehe, Ok, I completely understand you now. Wow, interesting stuff, but OK. I get it.

I can't imagine why your guy isn't calling you, you seem to be perfectly fine. It must be him.

LOL. Whew JB, I thought you and I were many posts away from some interesting dialogue. What a party pooper you are! LOL :D :D You want to discuss the interesting stuff? LOL

Okay, if anyone TRIED to figure about why he hadn't called, reversed the ignore call role or what have you, they would just be exercising their brain cells. What is he thinking? Don't know, not a mind reader. If I asked him and he told me whatever, would I really know why he wasn't calling? Don't know, not a mind reader. Do I want to know why he's acting the way he's acting? Not really. The truth of the matter is that HE and HE alone is the ONLY ONE know the choices behind his actions. Do I want "SUGGESTIONS" on what I should do after the big picture is put into focus? Gee, that would really be nice!

Michelle

please do not ask me why, one day, I decided to become distant and I STOPPED ALL communication with him for almost a week. I

This is your "game" as you write it, was after the perfection, and out of the blue with no reason, and for some reason that I can't see, you bear no responsibility for it nor the effects it obviously had on him. That's incredible.

You've gotten suggestions.

An apology and an explanation would go a long way to fixing things.

You "decided" to not take his calls, without giving him an explanation. That's just rude, frankly. Even if your explanation was "I can't talk to you right now, I have some things to deal with", you still owe him an apology--if for nothing else, then you owe it for being rude. If you truly can't see that you treated him badly, whether he verbally acknowledged that to you, then you're a bit more "me me me" than most people are--put yourself in his shoes: do YOU like it that he's not talking to you for what is, apparently, no reason whatsoever?

I apologize all the time for things that I do deliberately. "Sorry I'm late, mom--the ice cream shop was calling my name and I couldn't resist." "Sorry I didn't call to let you know I was going to be late, honey. I know I promised, but the meeting ran late at work and then I just wanted to get out of there". I apologize ANY time that I am rude and have made it so that someone else is inconvenienced by my actions, intentional or not. Yeah, I could have skipped ice cream, and yeah, I could have just called--but I didn't. And neither did you. While maybe you didn't PROMISE to call, you made it a habit to call, and you really made this man worry because you couldn't be bothered by him at the time, and THEN you had the gall to act like nothing at all had happened--that's like walking into church in the middle of the sermon, and then farting loudly enough to echo off the rafters--and not excusing yourself.

This is your "game" as you write it, was after the perfection, and out of the blue with no reason, and for some reason that I can't see, you bear no responsibility for it nor the effects it obviously had on him. Thats incredible.
Talaniman, I respect your opinion about this "game" that you keep mentioning. However, I don't understand how anyone can get "whatever reason = no reason", can you shed some light on this for me? You know, have you for one minute considered the fact that the reason that you CAN'T see that I don't bear no responsibility for this actions is because it's not there, written or otherwise? You see, at whatever cost, I am one that ACCEPTS RESPONSIBILITY for my own actions.

Did I take the calls? NO! Was I wrong? To me, NO! Why? Because I did what was best for ME at the time. Wow Michelle, that is SUCH a SELF RIGHTEOUS deed! You think? Of course, why should I think otherwise? Wait, Wait, Michelle one more thing, do you think you should accept responsibility for AN UNKNOWN {Obvious} affect that you had on him? Hmm, will you ACCEPT the answer "what effect"?

Michelle

Hmm, will you ACCEPT the answer "what effect"?


Well I'm sure he was worried about you. He probably didn't know if you'd been kidnapped and murdered on vacation. You hear about that happening to tourists on vacation, look at poor Natalie Holloway. That must've been nerve wracking for him. So yeah, I think you should at least apologize for that. The fact that you're not being very contrite is probably making him think much worse about the whole situation.

That said, things do happen and sometimes a person has to do some soul-searching. There's plenty of times in my life where I'd like to disengage for a while. So if you were contrite, and he blew you off for one mistake after a long successful relationship, then I'd say 'bad on him', but that's not really the case. The ball's in your court at this juncture.

You've gotten suggestions.

An apology and an explanation would go a long way to fixing things.

You "decided" to not take his calls, without giving him an explanation. That's just rude, frankly. Even if your explanation was "I can't talk to you right now, I have some things to deal with", you still owe him an apology--if for nothing else, then you owe it for being rude. If you truly can't see that you treated him badly, whether or not he verbally acknowledged that to you, then you're a bit more "me me me" than most people are--put yourself in his shoes: do YOU like it that he's not talking to you for what is, apparently, no reason whatsoever?

I apologize all the time for things that I do deliberately. "Sorry I'm late, mom--the ice cream shop was calling my name and I couldn't resist." "Sorry I didn't call to let you know I was going to be late, honey. I know I promised, but the meeting ran late at work and then I just wanted to get out of there". I apologize ANY time that I am rude and have made it so that someone else is inconvenienced by my actions, intentional or not. Yeah, i could have skipped ice cream, and yeah, I could have just called--but I didn't. And neither did you. While maybe you didn't PROMISE to call, you made it a habit to call, and you really made this man worry because you couldn't be bothered by him at the time, and THEN you had the gall to act like nothing at all had happened--that's like walking into church in the middle of the sermon, and then farting loudly enough to echo off the rafters--and not excusing yourself.

Hi Synnen, I find it interesting that you would make the comparison of apologizing with common courtesy and manners. Yes, I DECIDED not to take the calls. Was I rude? I think not. Now, had I did what you suggested and answered the calls when I DIDN'T WANT to, I could have very well possibly been rude, but as it stands now, I was not rude.

Treated him badly? I would'nt go that far to say that. Do I like the fact that I am in his shoes now and he's ignoring me? NO, No, and NO! Is he doing it APPARENTLY for NO REASON WHATSOEVER? NO, NO and NO! There's a REASON even though it is an UNDISCLOSED REASON. Still, do I like it, NO. Well, why not, Michelle? Because "I prefer riding on the "DRIVER" side and NOT the "passenger" side.

All of the above apologetic examples that you gave above, when it was all said and done, YOU STILL DID WHAT MADE Synnen happy at the time and based upon all of your wonderfully instilled manners, you apologized. However, you did not apologize for your INTENTIONAL actions, you apologized for the UNINTENTIONAL actions (i.e. I am not apologizing for stopping to get ice cream, I'm apologizing for NOT being here at the designated time or for not keeping my word or for whatever the result of the unintentional action).

LOL. I must tell you that your last few sentences sheds more light on this whole situation and is quite an eye opener. No, I didn't PROMISE to call, but I DID MAKE it a habit to call. Was he worried? Under any other circumstances, I would probably say, I don't know because I am not a mind reader. However, if the truth be told, YES, he was worried! How do I know, because HE TOLD me that "HE GOT WORRIED" after not hearing from me. Do I know why he got worried? Yep, he told me. However, even with all that I JUST stated, what does my actions have to do with his NOW actions, what's the connections?

I am ROTFLOL about my galls of acting like nothing happened compared to walking into the church in the middle of the sermon farting that loud. ROTFLOL. If anything else, this comparison "MIGHT" get me to see things a little differently. Thanks for the laugh, Synnen!

I'm sorry I even brought up apologizing. (blinks innocently)

Well I'm sure he was worried about you. He probably didn't know if you'd been kidnapped and murdered on vacation. You hear about that happening to tourists on vacation, look at poor Natalie Holloway. That must've been nerve wracking for him. So yeah, I think you should at least apologize for that. The fact that you're not being very contrite is probably making him think much worse about the whole situation.

That said, things do happen and sometimes a person has to do some soul-searching. There's plenty of times in my life where I'd like to disengage for a while. So if you were contrite, and he blew you off for one mistake after a long successful relationship, then I'd say 'bad on him', but that's not really the case. The ball's in your court at this juncture.
Yes, he was worried, kind of along the lines of him thinking that I changed my mind about us type of stuff. I can understand him thinking different stuff about my actions. However, I can't understand the "why wait until after he heard from me" to reverse the roles and for that, my need to apologize.

You mean to tell me the ball is still in my court? I thought I passed the ball to his court during my futile attempts of contact. What about all of the missed calls he should have seen on his cell phone? What about the couple of messages I left on his cell phone? What about the text message? Those things don't count as passing the ball? Wow!

Michelle

Yeah they count but I think you'll have to do it a bit more.

He waited till he heard from you because he wanted to know what happened. Then after he figured out what happened he probably felt slighted and decided a little 'taste o' your own' so to speak.

Just call again, leave a message that you understand now how you made him feel. Tell him you know you deserve it. I don't think it's necessary to beg but just be contrite, then he'll probably cool off and want to see you again.

I'm sorry I even brought up apologizing. (blinks innocently)
Are you {apologizing} JB? If so, I accept your apology for bringing up {apologizing}. LOL :D

Michelle

Yeah they count but I think you'll have to do it a bit more.

He waited till he heard from you because he wanted to know what happened. Then after he figured out what happened he probably felt slighted and decided a little 'taste o' your own' so to speak.

Just call again, leave a message that you understand now how you made him feel. Tell him you know you deserve it. I don't think it's necessary to beg but just be contrite, then he'll probably cool off and want to see you again.

Hmmp! Let's go with this notion for a minute. He wanted to know what happened, right? How did he "figure" out what happened and Does he really know what happened? You know, I believe in meeting a person half way, seeing eye to eye, agreeing to disagree and that other stuff. So, if I have to initiate the call, what's wrong with focusing on the present and moving forward? I really don't see any point of bringing an issue of the past to the future.

I am so not the "I'm sorry, any indication of begging" type of person. I mean don't get me wrong, I do know how to apologize, but the apologies that I've extended is definitely far and few. I think that the average person would prefer me to keep my apology and stick it up my nose somewhere instead of receiving it along with the rendered justifications.

Michelle

Could he be letting you know he isn't going to put up with your nonsense??

I think that the average person would prefer me to keep my apology and stick it up my nose somewhere instead of receiving it along with the rendered justifications.

Michelle

Hey I have to give you credit for being honest here.

Regarding how he figured it out it's because when when you finally stopped giving him the silent treatment. He found out that you weren't dead in a ditch, you weren't running away with an entire sports team, you were just ignoring him for no reason.

So that probably made him mad.

Any way you cut it, doing things that affect others, and not caring, is callous and selfish. You may not think it wrong, but that's only your side of the story. Bet his would be a bit different.

Maybe you should do some soul searching to see if you can really answer why you did what you did? Is it possible that you did it for a reason related to the fact that he is now your boss. Perhaps it is for the best. Apologize and let things naturally progress if that is what they are meant to do. This game will eventually cross over and could very well cause problems for both of you professionally. Be mature about this and sit down and talk to him about whatever the reason was and first be honest with yourself. Right?

You were selfish and by all your posts, you do own that.. you feel you had every right to be. That's your call.

Oh wait but you didn't fully own it did you? In your first post you wrote and I quote "Finally, after not being able to take it any longer because I was missing and thinking about him every waking moment, I decided to start back communicating with him and I acted as if EVERYTHING was fine. I even tried to put it on him by telling him he changed his mind or accused him of dumping me, but he wasn't trying to have that, he said I needed to spank myself for saying such things."

So not only did you act selfish.. you then had the guts to blame him for it. Even if you tried to do it in a flirty manner, you do realize how completely high maintenance that sounds right?

Judging by your tone in all of your posts, I think you should be congratulated for doing the guy a favor. You let him see a side of you and if you acted anyway like you sound in your posts, hopefully he checked out on you just like I am about to after reading all of this nonsense.

You have gotten plenty of sound advice here that you don't seem to want to take so all I have for you is a good luck with future relationships because unless you stop playing games and grow up, you will need it.

Oh no, Michelle...this could be no good. I had a similar situation where I did the same thing you did. Actually...I've done this to TWO different guys & the end result was the same...it was over. When I later spoke to each of the men on a platonic level months later in one case & years later in the other, they confessed that the reason it ended so abruptly was because when I disappeared for the time that I did, they both realized just how badly I could hurt them, so instead of continuing a relationship, they JUMPED ship.

My advice to all women out there: Never show a man how much power you have over him...he'll never see it as a strength of yours only a weakness of his own.

Good luck, love.

Could he be letting you know he isn't going to put up with your nonsense????
Yes, I'm quite sure that he is letting me know that he's not going to put up with my NONSENSE! I really don't blame him, either.

Michelle

Michelle,

You really messed up here. Why did you stop communicating with him for a week? Do you think he deserved that? Also, why were you trying to manipulate him by trying to make him think that it was his fault that you broke contact?

Unfortunately for you, you've made your bed. Even if he comes back, this relationship is ruined. He doesn't trust you and absolutely nothing you do will replace the trust in this relationship.

Your best move is to move on and learn a lesson about playing games with people. As for this guy, he seems pretty smart. He's already made the best move of all.

Hey I have to give you credit for being honest here.

Regarding how he figured it out it's because when when you finally stopped giving him the silent treatment. He found out that you weren't dead in a ditch, you weren't running away with an entire sports team, you were just ignoring him for no reason.

So that probably made him mad.
sokay, I believe "Honesty" is the best policy. I get your theory and it is noted. Thanks for sharing.


Any way you cut it, doing things that affect others, and not caring, is callous and selfish. You may not think it wrong, but thats only your side of the story. Bet his would be a bit different.
talaniman, I think we are somewhat in agreement with the "affecting" part. Did I affect him? I would say yes! Do I not care? Come on now, of course I CARE! I'm sure his story is different, I couldn't agree with you more. :)


Maybe you should do some soul searching to see if you can really answer why you did what you did? Is it possible that you did it for a reason related to the fact that he is now your boss. Perhaps it is for the best. apologize and let things naturally progress if that is what they are meant to do. This game will eventually cross over and could very well cause problems for both of you professionally. Be mature about this and sit down and talk to him about whatever the reason was and first be honest with yourself. right?MsMewiththat, I KNOW why I did what I did, so that's not an issue. To me, him being my boss is irrelevant as he was my boss for over a year before we became involved. Professionally, we will be fine, that's my least worry. Thanks for your input, I appreciate it.

Judging by your tone in all of your posts, I think you should be congratulated for doing the guy a favor. You let him see a side of you and if you acted anyway like you sound in your posts, hopefully he checked out on you just like I am about to after reading all of this nonsense.

You have gotten plenty of sound advice here that you don't seem to want to take so all I have for you is a good luck with future relationships because unless you stop playing games and grow up, you will need it.

Well, epiphany, you see, what you see on screen, you will see in person. The only difference is the method of communication. I have not presented a persona or facade. Get it? Thanks for your well wishes, I appreciate it. BTW, he will be okay. :cool:

Michelle

Oh no, Michelle...this could be no good. I had a similar situation where I did the same thing you did. Actually...I've done this to TWO different guys & the end result was the same...it was over. When I later spoke to each of the men on a platonic level months later in one case & years later in the other, they confessed that the reason it ended so abruptly was because when I disappeared for the time that I did, they both realized just how badly I could hurt them, so instead of continuing a relationship, they JUMPED ship.

My advice to all women out there: Never show a man how much power you have over him...he'll never see it as a strength of yours only a weakness of his own.

Good luck, love.

nevaehangelina, it's always good to know that someone can relate. Do you not think the results of your situations contributed to the amount of time that you waited before communicating? You are correct about the power play, it's a man thing. Thanks.

Michelle

Michelle,

You really messed up here. You think?
Why did you stop communicating with him for a week?Let's see, PROBABLY had something to do with "Matters of the HEART" Do you think he deserved that? NEVER in a MILLION YEARS. He's too GREAT for that.Also, why were you trying to manipulate him by trying to make him think that it was his fault that you broke contact?Honestly, I really don't know.

Unfortunately for you, you've made your bed. Even if he comes back, this relationship is ruined. He doesn't trust you and absolutely nothing you do will replace the trust in this relationship. I will let you know if your prediction turn out to be true or not.

Your best move is to move on and learn a lesson about playing games with people. As for this guy, he seems pretty smart. He's already made the best move of all.Gee, thanks. Appreciate YA!

Michelle

nevaehangelina, it's always good to know that someone can relate. Do you not think the end results of your situations contributed to the amount of time that you waited before communicating? You are correct about the power play, it's a man thing. Thanks.

Michelle


Oh, no, no...it's not that I didn't speak to them sooner, it's that we didn't talk about what happened straight away. When I bailed out on Blake, it was for a week. When I finally DID talk to him, he came over to my house & he was VERY distant. I just thought he needed some time to get over that I was an idiot. No siree...he tried to make it work for about 2 weeks & then he just disappeared. I didn't talk to him for months after...he wouldn't return my calls, my emails, my IMs or my texts. I went to his house, but he was never there. Next thing I know, his sister called me to tell me that Blake was moving from my hometown in Michigan back to his hometown in North Carolina. I haven't seen him since May 2006, but a few weeks after he moved he emailed me & we still keep in contact occasionally via email.

As for the other guy...well...I got drunk one night (drinking is NEVER a good idea...blah...and this is coming from a bartender! haha...) & ran away from him. Literally...jumped in my car (no good either...what a frickin' IDIOT I was, but I've done it one time & NEVER AGAIN) & drove the mile home. He called me worried as hell about me & I just kept ignoring him for 2 days. I was scared of getting hurt by him, so that was my defense mechanism. It worked...when I finally called him two days later he said, "I just can't do this," and that was it. He walked out the door & we didn't speak until about 2 years later.

So...as you can see, it has nothing to do with the amount of time I was acting like a child...it had to do with the fact that I had acted like a child at all.

Oh, no, no...it's not that I didn't speak to them sooner, it's that we didn't talk about what happened straight away.

So...as you can see, it has nothing to do with the amount of time I was acting like a child...it had to do with the fact that I had acted like a child at all.

Okay, GOTCHA! Thanks a bunch.

Michelle

After a little contrariness, I decided to somewhat follow the advice that a lot of the posters offered. I did not want to cloud the other post, so for those that's not familiar with the story, feel free to read "Now he won't take my calls, what should I do."

Okay, on Wednesday, I ate a little humble pie and decided to make contact. Within a 2 hour time, I called 3 times; no answer, his voicemail picked up and I umm, I know, I DID NOT leave any sort of messages, I just hung up. Well, 2 hrs. later, I guess he was in his old mode because he obviously saw my missed calls and sent me a text message of "Hello!" I replied with "Hello, How are you?" to which he replied "Fine. How about you? Not missing me, huh?" After looking like this :eek: :cool: I replied something along the lines of "I am better now. Me not missing you?" You know better! Even if I told you how much I missed you, you would'nt know because that's how much I miss you". To which was the end of that days episode.

On yesterday, I said let's try this again. I called his cell phone twice without any success and bothered not to leave any messages. I sent one text message "Hello, how are you today?" to which he did not respond. I finally decided to call the office because I was so ready to close this suspenseful chapter and I knew I could contact him there. He answered the telephone and I was cordial with how are you, are you busy small talk stuff. He said he was busy working on a report and did I want him to buzz him back to which my response was "if you need to", I made mention of not being able to get in touch with him on his cell he said it had been on silence for most of the day, yada yada he then said I will call you back. He called later talked about projects that he had going on at work. I am going out of state for the 10 remaining days of my vacation, told him that and he said "tell those guys out there that I said you are taken, so don't even think about you" I COULD'NT help it, I really could'nt so I said "Yes, right, like you care, you don't care, you deserted me" of course he said that was anything, but true and again, I NEEDED A SPANKING and that I was trying to desert him. Long story short, he's been very busy at work the past weeks interviewing and hiring for 4 professional positions that we had open to which one of the positions had 96 applicants,for that one position he interviewed 36, screened 12 for the panel and then had to select 3 to go through the final selection process.

We got together for a few hours this morning before my flight. We decided NOT to place blame on each other for whatever had happened, we just had a communication breakdown to which we will avoid in the future. After mutually agreeing to put the past behind and focus on the present, we started the 4th off with a bang, made our own fireworks and it was "EXPLOSIVE", neither of us can wait until I get back in 10 days.

Oh, the question: What are your thoughts? :D

Michelle

Patiently waiting, as are you.

Patiently waiting, as are you.
Talaniman, very nicely put! And get this, you are correct and you know this, but get this, it is what it is. Lol

Michelle

Yes, it is what it is.

6 years is a long time NOT to have a defined working relationship. That's a red flag that nobody is guiding the ship, or manning the oars. Just me, but I have seen many a relationship drift aimlessly, for whatever reason, and am curious as to yours.