Hi, I have been married for 5 years now. This is my second marriage, and his first. I had one child from my previous marriage, and we have another together. Our kids are 7, and almost 3. I have been a stay at home mom for the entire marriage. Before I married him I had my own home, job, car, and was very stable and self sufficient. We decided it would be best once we married for me to stay home with the kids, so I have not worked in 5 years, and anything I had saved is gone or rolled into the new house.

Almost as soon as we got married my husband started going out drinking with his friends and leaving a pregnant me at his parents house (we lived with them for 11 months while looking for a home to buy). I also found out later (after our son was born) that he was abusing cocaine too. He would be out 3-4 nights a week. He owns a sports bar and uses this as his excuse. Except his bar does not sell liquor, and it closes at 11pm so that is still no excuse. I was actually afraid he'd be too drunk to drive me to the hospital. Even through all of that I stuck with it, and hoped time would help him mature (we are both 30 now btw).

So we finally get a house, and move in, and things got better but not much. He cut back to only going out one maybe 2 nights using his bar as his excuse still. Also when I say "going out" I don't mean he's home by 12pm.. he's out until 2am... 3am or all night. I have told him 1000 times if he's home by 12 I wouldn't get upset but I feel anything later than 12pm is just trouble when you're a married man running around at singles bars with your single friends.

He does support the family financially but that is it. I take care of every single thing involving the kids, the cleaning of the home, the repairs if I can, the cooking EVERYTHING. All he does is bring home a paycheck, sleep, eat, wants sex once a week (I call it his weekly assisted masturbation), maybe play with the kids for like an hour in a whole week and go out with his friends on the weekend. Oh.. and don't say he works hard because he works 3 hours a day, and then comes home and lays around the house all day while I run around from 7am until 8pm working my tail off only to do it all over again the next day.

So last night I called him at 12:15. First call now answer.. he calls back 3 minutes later. "OH hey..my buddy and his girlfriend rented a hotel downtown and they got in a fight so me and this other guy went to hang out with him because he felt lousy". I say "So you aren't coming home?" and he says "Well I invited you to come" and I say "Yes and you know I have to pick the kids up BY 8am so I really didn't feel like staying out all night with you and then having to take care of the kids all day while you sleep it off" and then he starts berating me for not being social enough and not wanting to do "fun" things, and hung up on me. So I texted him a few things just explaining why I am unable to do the things he does because I am responsible for everything. Then after a few texts (he didn't bother to reply) I sent him a mean one (the first mean thing I've ever said to him probably) I said "You complain you don't get enough blowjobs anymore but you fail to realise I stopped because my face hits your stomach before I can get it in my mouth" Yes he has an enormous beer belly and I'm not exaggerating. It was mean to say, but it's true, and I was mad. So now of course he won't speak to ME because "I crossed the line and will just have to find someone else to F me now". This is just one night of how many are, and I never usually say mean things.. I just try to endure it and let it roll off my back, and keep going on with life.

Even through all these years of this behavior I have been patient. I do still love him in a way but every time he's out all night or too hung over to play with his kids, or too tired to help me with everyday life I lose a part of my love for him. If he would just act right I could easily love him again, and be happy.

I have tried every tactic to get him to stop. So my question is. If I am not horribly unhappy should I stay for the kids? Should I wait until they are older? Do you think if I actually move out he will get the picture? I feel so bad for my daughter already being from a broken family, and she was only 2 when we married so to her he's always been in her life. I am basically content except I dread Friday night.. mon-thursday I'm pretty much happy. Is being only partly happy worth a divorce? Should I just suck it up and ignore it? I can't do the same thing to him because 1)I don't enjoy that crap and 2) it will make me look just as bad as him in court.

It doesn't sound like he will ever change. He will always have an excuse for everything he does and expect you to accept it no matter how lame and flimsy of an excuse it is.
Even if he is not cheating on you what you have is a poor excuse of a marriage.
I think for the sake of the kids and your sanity you should move out.
I was in a similar situation of my husband leaving for work and not coming home until days later because he was running around with his buddies. I put up with it for 10 years for the sake of the kids and it NEVER got any better. You are wasting valuable time away for nothing.

Wow, where to start.

It is obvious that things need to change. Although, I would not leave in hopes that he will wake up. Unless you can deal with what happens if he doesn't.

In my opinion what you are losing for him is respect. And rightfully so. A married man has no business out in the bars. Every once in a while, okay, but as a regular thing - not okay.

You need to sit down with him and explain exactly what you are feeling. And then you need to get to a counselor. It may help. You need to put it all out on the table. What you can and can not deal with, etc.

Staying for the kids is not a good idea. You are setting an example and showing your children what marriage looks like. So ask yourself if this is what you want for your kids? I would not.

I would also venture to say that your husband may be an alcoholic. IF he is constantly getting so drunk that he has hangovers all the time and really does nothing else - that's a problem.

No one deserves to be mistreated. If you still think there is hope for this marriage, then you owe it to yourself to find a way to make it work. But you can not do it ALONE. He has to do his part. If he is unwilling to do that and is fine continuing on this path, you may be at the end of this road.

Good Luck.

There is no remedy when he does cocaine unless and until he sincerely gets to the point he wants to give it up. N0THING you try will change him!

Get physicals, blood and urine tests, appointment with marital expert, might should be a psychiatrist in this case, and discover what common ground you may have. If he won't cooperate, then trial separation. Be looking for a good attorney. Stay for the kids? At this point, I would separate for the kids if he is not being a good dad.

Just wondering, on the nights that he is home with the family what type of a dad/husband is he?

He's hovering around now but the responses are appreciated. I'll have to respond later =) Thank you all though

During his normal times he is great with the kids, and with me too. He isn't even a mean drunk (my dad was) or annoying I just think it's amazingly disrespectful to me to be out all night, and I don't want my daughter thinking a man who treats you like that is OK, and I don't want our son doing the same to his wife. And it hurts my feelings that even when there were no kids at home he would rather go out with his friends than be alone with me. If I ever want to go I am more than welcome so I don't think it's cheating at all. In fact I would say I'm 99.9% he has never cheated. I have surprised him many many times and he's always where he says and with who he says, so sometimes I think maybe I'm being unreasonable. As far as the drugs I truly feel it's only sometimes, and I am no innocent myself. Before I had children I did a lot of crazy stuff, so I do at least know what to look for. Even though it's only sometimes I fell it's so thoughtless of his family and career but you can't make someone be responsible, and I've tried to lead him by example but I seem to be failing horribly.Do you all think I REALLY have it that bad? Yes I get sad sometimes but everyone does, and yes he ticks me off but any man would.. so do you truly think it's hopeless or do you think a counselor would help?

and I don't want my daughter thinking a man who treats you like that is OK, and I don't want our son doing the same to his wife.

Exactly #1 reason he needs to see it as a problem.