I have been happily married to my husband for over 8 months now which I know is a very short time to be having problems like this. Recently I have been hanging out with a friend of mine from work and we both know that there is a physical attraction for each other. We haven't done anything as far as cheating goes. But I'm not sure how much longer we can restrain ourselves from each other. Although I am still a newly wed the sex between my husband and I isn't the best. He doesn't know foreplay and it's hard to achieve an orgasm with him. I have a feeling if I did have sex with the other man not only would he know how foreplay goes but I would be able to achieve an orgasm easily with him. I really don't want to hurt my husband. I love him so much but I'm beginning to fall for the other man. I really don't know what I should do. I have tried talking to my husband as well.:(

You should stop "hanging" out with people from work and going home, esp men if you don't have the ability to not feel sexual with them.

As for as your husband, teach him what you like, he will not know if someone does not show him.

Either that or leave your husband, and let him find someone that is not out looking for men

I have tried teaching him.

If u love ur husband u will communicate ur needs. Any relationship wont last if communication is not good. You can express it by chosing ur words properly and finding a correct time to talk about it. You dont need to compare and tell him what he's unable to do. If he do things right, let him know.You can also get him to read magazines, watch videos, surf to some sites. He married you, he loves you and he will be pleased to know what makes you feel good so all you have to know is how to communicate and motivate....and certainly is can't be resolved with another problem

I honestly have to agree with Fr_Chuck on this one.

You have to make a choice: Either you're going to stop hanging out with this guy and any other men that you're tempted to cheat with or leave your husband and pursue others.

As you probably know, marriage is work but it's so incredibly worth it if you put the effort into it. There's a saying that I love: "You get out of life what you put in to it." The same applies for relationships of all types. Either you put as much effort into really getting to know your husband as you are this new guy or get out and spare your husband the pain he's going to feel from having a wife that isn't really in love with him. I'm honestly not trying to offend you, so please understand that, but is it really fair to him to be with a woman who doesn't really want to make it work with him?

You say that you have tried teaching your husband what you like... in short: keep trying! Take a little more control of the sex yourself, slow him down, do whatever it takes to make him see what you need to feel satisfied. When he does something you love, tell him! Keep complimenting him on what he just did that made you feel so good & believe me, he'll continue. He needs that vote of confidence from you.

Really though, you need to stay away from any & all temptation if you're going to make this work in your marriage. You just need to stop and figure out what's really important to you. You don't have to actually reply but answer me this: Why did you marry your husband in the first place? What made you love him? What made you commit to love & cherish him, for better or for worse, 'til death do you part? Remember those vows and why you made the decision to take him as your husband. Stop focusing on this other man and remember your husband. The grass is NOT greener on the other side.

Hello quite:

The Padre is right again. You made a mistake with your husband. Ok. Don't compound it by making him a cuckold. At LEAST let him has HIS respect. Leave him, and then screw your brains out.

excon

And no you don't really love your husband or this would not even be a issue and the minute you starting having feelings, you would have know to cut it off.

Love means working out all of your problems, what if he had a wreck next week and could not have sex? Love means being there for him because you have emotional connections

"Couples who have satisf yingsex life said that sex is only 10% of the totality of the relationship. For those who are not, sex becomes 90% of the problem."-read from one article

Thank you Dreamer for not offending me. As for Fr_Chuck, I DO love my husband and that is why I'm here. It's not to get insulting answers from complete strangers who don't know my entire life history. I wanted some prospective, after all I'm still a newly wed and I am STILL getting the hang of my marriage.

How would you feel if you found out your husband had feelings for another woman and was contemplating cheating on you with her?

I don't think anyone is here to offend... just to dispense advice the best they can based on their own experiences, and the very short history they're given to work from...

I think from where you stand now, you have all the perspective you need to make a decision that no one else can make for you...

I noticed you wrote that you tried talking to your husband about the sex problems, and you've also tried teaching him... can I ask is he oblivious to the problems you're having? Or is he unwilling to work on it? Or is it he's clueless as to where to go from there?

Men tend to think logically, and bluntly... in order to influence your husband if he is willing to try and please you... tell him FLAT OUT, in NO uncertain terms... "I like it when you do this..I get off if you touch me here..." and let him know how often you'd like it, where you'd like it...

I'm going to hope here that you married this man for more than just sex... the first year of marriage for any new couple is the hardest what with all the adjusting to a new person living with you ALL the time... you have to remember though, that you took vows to love this man... not just when he can get you off... but everyday...

Leave the new friend right where he is now, at work... if you don't think you can restrain yourself around him, don't be around him anymore... Just think what would happen if you ended up having sex with Mr.GrassisGreener and he couldn't get you off either... what good is that going to do you? I wouldn't go borrowing trouble if I were you, you seem to have enough of a problem now... Give your husband some time to work out the kinks before you totally write him off...

Friend4u178, I have been asking myself that question a lot lately. Yes I can be a jealous person but you can't control your feelings.

Friend4u178, I have been asking myself that question a lot lately. Yes I can be a jealous person but you can't control your feelings.

I agree you can't control your feelings , BUT you can control your actions!!

Don't ever become a cheater , it'll stay with you for the rest of your life.

How old are you? It sounds like you are very young and immature.

If you didn't think that he was the one, then you shouldn't have married him. Marriage is a commitment, not something you do for the fun of it, or until something better comes along.

You don't love your husband, otherwise you would have stopped hanging out with this guy as soon as you felt an attraction. And yes, you can control how you feel, show some self restraint.

As for the answers you've been getting, what did you expect? Did your really think anyone was going to tell you to screw this other guy? Really? We don't do that here, so if you want confirmation, find it somewhere else.

So what should you do? Stop hanging out with the other guy, and get marriage counselling. If this is something you are unwilling to do because hubby can't get you to orgasm, then leave him or buy a vibrator.

Good luck.

I'm going to pi$$ you off perhaps, but that's OK. You came here and we talk like old friends... no holds barred. If you want to be coddled and rocked... well, public forums are rarely the place concerning premeditated marital infidelity.

So sex isn't great with your husband. It happens. A lot. Find a good book about sex. Read it. Then share it with him. If he has half a clue and a care he will read it and try... especially if you mark pages. One I've recommended so much I should be getting royalties is She Comes First. Not a sex bible, but an easy read and good to get the dialogue going. Some other books on sex can be a little over the top to start with.

And seriously, not to take sides, but id be pretty ticked knowing my wife of less than a year is hanging with a guy she knows she's attracted to and in a position where she's not sure she can hold out much longer. Were he to write in here wed tell him to leave you before he wastes another month of his life married to a person who can't do the hard work it takes to make a marriage work.

Its bull$hit.

I'm glad you are here looking for help. Sometimes that help is tough love with no soft gloves. Were you my sister id tell you the same thing.

Either you are all in or not. Either you have self control or not.

You are going to be around men the rest of your life who will tempt you... who will intrigue you. My wife travels overseas often. There is a charming man in mexico who would bed her in a heartbeat. There are guys in seattle who will buy her champagne all night long hoping she will relent. There are men in her life who intrigue her, excite her... even men she might fantasize about.

But at some point you stop making excuses... that your husband is a lousy lover isn't justification to cheat. If you cannot be with him, leave him... then engage the other man.

Anything less is just false justification during one of the hardest periods of marriage. Call it the honeymoon period all you want... the first two years of marriage were harder than the other eight.

So... you have control over your body and your actions. You own it.

If you choose to continue to push emotional energy into this charged relationship outside of your marriage, you are to blame. Period.

Its fine to be friends with a member of the opposite sex that excites you or turns you on. I know of two women right now whom id chase like mad if I wasn't married. Instead, I turn that attraction into simple admiration. There will be women I see the rest of my life who will intrigue me and excite me. It's the human condition.

But please... you can hold out as long as you want to.

Your hubby might be a zero in the sack... deal with your marriage first. If all avenues are exhausted and there is no way to save it, get out. Before you bed Mr Miracle.

Its OK to be in the wrong marriage. It happens.

It is not OK to play the victim here. And "i dont know how much longer we can hold back" is making this something bigger than your ability to keep your panties on. Wrong.

So time to be all in or get out. There really isn't a whole lot of in between that lets you off the hook.

So, virtual sis... what's it going to be?

You can engage this other man outside you marriage knowing it will very likely ruin your marriage or you can face it yourself and own it yourself.

I also want to add... and I know this may Pi$$ you off also. But seriously, how dare you waste one more minute of your husbands life with this? I personally think that you are using his supposed inadequacies in the bedroom to justify your immoral behaviour!

Some marriage counseling would be in order, or if you feel the need to just go screw this guy, then get on with it, and let your husband be with someone worthy of his love! I find it quite curious that the only thing you have mentioned about your husband, is his lack of experience in the sex dept. Did you not know this before you said "I DO??" Did he all of a sudden become impotent the moment you said your vows... I'm sure you remember how they went... for better... for worse... in sickness... in health... till death do we part!!

I think you will just blow with the wind, wherever it may take you, and you never intended to be in this marriage for the long haul. Let your husband loose, and go with the guy at your job! You will be doing your husband a huge favour.

Yes, I was blunt, and straight to the point... but you have no right to take time from your husbands life, just to get a little. Karma is going to be there to bite you right in the A$$!!

Why did u marry him in the first place... U knew what his foreplay was like, u knew what he was like in bed.. If this was such an issue then why would you of married him... Marriage is meant to be a life long commitment.. 8 months and u already starting to feel like u want to do the dodgy... How long did u know him/were u dating before you got married.. also how old are you how many serious relationships have u been in before this.

Jim

I am definitely going to pi$$ you off so bad that you might as well cry.

First off, you're an immature, dumb, sex-addict female who has no feelings for what so ever. You're married to a man who is not good in bed. So what? I was inexperience with my girlfriend (now ex); both of us were virgins and none of us had sexual experience. How did I improve myself? We talked about it and discussed what we liked and what we didn't like. It worked out perfectly.. hit home-runs on a baseball field as guys would call it.

Secondly, hanging out with another guy WHEN MARRIED? Are you stupid or retarded? I am going to guess both. Having feelings for another person WHEN married is OK as long as you don't sneak over to his place and fuq like jackrabbits; just a queasy squirmy feeling and it's fine. I hung out with A LOT of girl-friends, but I promised myself that I WOULD NOT FALL FOR OTHER GIRLS WHEN I AM IN A RELATIONSHIP. What about you? Do you think you will feel all happy and joyful when your husband comes home and says "honey, I slept with your boss. Damn, her slit was pretty tight."

Third of all, are you even aware of yourself as a person WHO IS REALLY SHALLOW? From the moment when I read your part about how your husband suqs in bed, I realized you're nothing but another piece of society's trash who leeches off of their partner. Marriage works when sex, communication, and LOVE function together. There would not be any "oh... yeh... hey hubby.. I let my guy-friend finger me today" or "hubby, you suck at oral! get the fuq out!" It's called COMMON SENSE.

Basically, I'm saying you need to get your head out of your a$$ and start using your brain. Bad in bed does not mean bad in life or a failure. If you're just going for sex, get a divorce and go fuq your friend instead.

I pity the husband who has to deal with this.

I speak the truth. It's hard criticism, but don't be a wuss and rebutt what I said.
Accept it and fix yourself.

Oh dear quite a lot of blunt responses here but they are right. Maybe you should start analyzing yourself. That poor husband of yours are clueless what your feeling... if he only knew, he should have read lottaaaa sex articles before marrying you. Is it the sex really or u'r attracted to other man thats why his "flair in bed" is becoming an issue?

Hello,"quiteconfused22"

The reason this is such a great site is because we all tell the
TRUTH

Well you posted your question here,to get advice,& now you have it.

As others have already said,work this problem out with your husband,& NOT your
Friend @ work.

I was going to write you a manual about growing up and being mature about handling your business, but I changed my mind, and will keep it simple.

While you can control your feelings for others, you can control what you do about them, so don't ever try to make excuses for bad behavior.

Second if you spent as much time, and effort communicating with your husband, and being patient, as you do yucking it up with this other guy, you might actually resolve your problems.

If you leave this other guy alone, and focus on your new husband, you might actually enjoy getting to know each other sexually.

And lastly, if your not getting your rocks off, then you must not know how to, and are blaming the wrong person for the lack of a nut. Seems you have a lot of learning about you, before you can teach someone else what you need.

I think your attraction with the other man is just physical, so why not ask your husband if he was comfortable with a threesome or foursome with another woman. That way your sexual desires would be met without actually cheating.

However I think being married means you made a commitment to someone. Marriage is not lust or just love, but more of a commitment. Commitment should be placed above any sexual desires. However since if a person does not have children, if their desires are stronger than their sense of commitment, than they would get a divorce before they break their vowels.

I think your attraction with the other man is just physical, so why not ask your husband if he was comfortable with a threesome or foursome with another woman. That way your sexual desires would be met without actually cheating.

However I think being married means you made a commitment to someone. Marriage is not lust or just love, but more of a commitment. Commitment should be placed above any sexual desires. However since if a person does not have children, if their desires are stronger than their sense of commitment, than they would get a divorce before they break their vowels.

I would never break my vowels. Consonants maybe, but never vowels! ;)

Honestly, and I'm not attempting to offend you, when I was with my fiancée he was the only person I saw. Meaning that physically I was attracted to no other men, even ones that attempted to flirt with me while I was alone. Even after leaving him (he suffers from severe depression, the doctors were not supplying the help he wanted so desperately and it was unhealthy for us to remain together at the end) I still love him deeply and it is hard for me to see other men in a sexual/physical nature.

There's no such thing as just looking. If you're looking something is missing and you either need to help supply it or move on.

Your husband may just not have that much experience sexually. He may not know or understand why just jumping to the act isn't doing it for you. A lot of men also have a misconception about foreplay until they have experienced it for themselves. Then they love it!

If you can't talk about things in the bedroom then you need to examine both trust and relationship issues. You don't actually have to leave him but it may be wise to get a counselor. There are even sex counselors out there for singles and couples to help work through these issues.

Something is wrong if you are already seeking an outside source to fulfill something that is missing. Decide if you want to save your marriage - ignoring it will just make things worse and having an affair will cause him more pain then you can possibly imagine. Take it from someone who has been cheated on. If you want to save your marriage then find the help to do so and take an active role.

I would never break my vowels. Consonants maybe, but never vowels! ;)
:p ROFL!!

I would never break my vowels. Consonants maybe, but never vowels! ;)

I guess that was funny. I forgot how to spell "vows" so I just sounded it out incorrectly.

However you can have "breaks" between vowelS, so I don't think its funny, but hey I guess I don't have a sense of humor if the jokes on me.

I guess that was funny. I forgot how to spell "vows" so I just sounded it out incorrectly.

However you can have "breaks" between vowels, so I don't think its funny, but hey I guess I don't have a sense of humor if the jokes on me.

Don't worry about it. I wasn't trying to make fun of you, and I appologize if that made you feel bad. I was having a bad day, and it's my B'day today. That was one of the best presents I could have gotten, because you got me out of my bad mood, and I laughed all day after that. I'm just laughing with you hun, not at you. :D

You did give some good advice, although I don't think she should bring up the idea of a threesome, but each to their own.

It seems that you are more comfortable with the idea of marriage than actually being married. There are only 2 choices here as everyone has said. We will not give you comfort in this issue by telling you that any aspect of this is OK. Since there do not seem to be children involved, divorce your husband, then screw your new friend. Otherwise, do what you know is the right thing and stop seeing this dude now.

I guess that was funny. I forgot how to spell "vows" so I just sounded it out incorrectly.

However you can have "breaks" between vowelS, so I don't think its funny, but hey I guess I don't have a sense of humor if the jokes on me.

Please don't feel bad - it's cute not embarrassing. Among the other things I've done in life I actually am a military and academically trained linguistic (I'm a Network Admin now go figure) and it was just cute to me. It really made me laugh. I really like word play, accidential or intentional.

I still sound words out. ;)

Tell your husband your feeling!that should help!if you do not care about your husband,do not want to go ahead with your marriage,then follow up your feeling with othere men!but finally I am sure you will get nothing!think about seriously before you take every step!

I have been happily married to my husband for over 8 months now which I know is a very short time to be having problems like this. Recently I have been hanging out with a friend of mine from work and we both know that there is a physical attraction for each other. We haven't done anything as far as cheating goes. But I'm not sure how much longer we can restrain ourselves from each other. Although I am still a newly wed the sex between my husband and I isn't the best. He doesn't know foreplay and it's hard to achieve an orgasm with him. I have a feeling if I did have sex with the other man not only would he know how foreplay goes but I would be able to achieve an orgasm easily with him. I really don't want to hurt my husband. I love him so much but I'm beginning to fall for the other man. I really don't know what I should do. I have tried talking to my husband as well.:(

I would also like to point out the obvious oxy-moronic part of your question. You say you "love" your husband, but you are falling in love with "another" man, and you don't want to "hurt" your husband.

I really don't think you are thinking about your husband here at all! You are thinking only of yourself, and what satisfies YOU! That is very selfish and self serving. I really don't think you looked past the wedding in this case. A "marriage" isn't about the "wedding" and the "romance". The "marriage" is about hard work, commitment, trust, communication, and respect. It doesn't sound to me like you made a commitment to yourself to work on these things, before you said "I do" Sex is just one part of a marriage, and your compatibility should have been established well before you walked down the aisle.

You love your husband but you have the urge to have sex with another man besides him. You seem to be contradicting yourself a little. If you loved him, you would try to work it out, and realise that sex IS part of your marriage but not enough to ditch him just because you can't climax.. Save this good man the pain, and end it now before you really do become physically unfaithful. Even if you did manage to work it out with your husband now, how do you know you won't carry on finding this other man more sexy? You have made a mistake by getting married.

I know you probably won't like this answer and I'm sorry, but its just my opinion and I'm not trying to insult you I promise because it is up to you, but I'm just giving my advice. Goodluck with it.

Also just one more thing, I think the love you may feel for him is quite conditional and not entirely genuine perhaps. Even you do love him, realise that once you have been unfaithful to him, than you are guaranteed to feel guilt-ridden and you may lose him forever. If it is a risk you are prepared to take.. Just a thought.

Don't be a lazy wife, and want happiness handed to you. That's the easy way out. Work for your marriage.

.. Okay.. First off, let me point out: This is the husband of the 'questionable' wife that posted. Same account different person... I'm just using this account which I just found out about to post today.

I'd also like to thank all of you for trying to provide constructive advice for her. If only she had asked the question for opinions and not justification for what she was planning on doing regardless.

Ironically, now I'd like to ask the same question... what should I do now that she had the affair and I know about it? Which I know needs some background as it's been a month since the affair.

Note: She is 22, and I'm 26 for thous who are curious.

But first I'd like address my wife's fears/reasoning:
sex between my husband and I isn't the best: I will agree that it is not the hot, new, fiery and 'hidden/naugty' sex we had when we first got together 4 years ago. I mean before we got married she got to 'hide' the fact we had sex from her parents which added that since of 'naughty' and filled that rebellious child emotion. (You know the one when a child smiles you right in the face when they now they are doing something wrong but do it anyway.) - however now, sex is more a practical, it doesn't have to be hidden; it is no longer 'wrong' to do what we do; which unfortunately is opposite of what 'turns' her on. I knew this; and was trying everything I could to ignite her 'fire' again; she knew that too.. - but seems she only gave me two months to try and resolve things; before she though 'hey' other cute guy... *grrrr*

He doesn't know foreplay and it's hard to achieve an orgasm with him: First off, the orgasm; we both agree that this fact is false. Like someone pointed out it was her trying to make excuses for doing what she wanted. It takes me about 50 seconds to give her an orgasm any time she is in the mood, sometimes even when she is not. And I also engage in foreplay; however foreplay to her has to be 'dangerous' you know doing things that are not suppose to be done. Other then that I get ignored or pushed away. 'Cuddling, soft touching, ice, feathers, flattery, gussbumps, talking - you name it I was always eger to please her with foreplay; however these things just went over her head because they we're not forbinden. When I'd confront her and ask he what she wanted; she'd always say I don't know! So having tried everything and her offering 'ZERO' sugesstions; I took a break on trying for a couple weeks after my dog of 14 years died (It was too much stress at that point, I needed a little break and I trusted her. (This is when she started hanging out with the other guy by the way, and wow - since he was a 'honey' man and it was wrong to be doing what she was doing she got horny around him... )

he know how foreplay goes but I would be able to achieve an orgasm easily with him: Well this is true; he could get her off easy... I know because I got her off easy too; like a week before they even went out. It not hard... His foreplay was nothing more then the 'forbidden fruit' thing... I want to touch you but I can't kind of hotness...

I have tried talking to my husband as well: She did not try talking to me until after she let him stick a finger in her... So this was after the fact that she tried talking and not before... - Her version of talking was also... 'Now don't get mad, But What if I told you I find myself sexually attracted to another man, and it makes me miss the foreplay we use to have.' - I just hearing my wife basically say she's sexually interested in another man when you've been married such a short time is heart-breaking but I held it together; didn't lash out or yell at her. To me her happiness has always been my main concern. But basically, before I went out and said something I'd regret, I' simply said... 'Be careful you're walking down a very dangerous road' being attracted to another man'. (At the time I had 200% faith in my wife; and was not worried that she'd act on it... Ooo how naïve I was; actually trusting a person you marry?)

This is where the relevant history comes into play:
After the ''Be careful you're walking down a very dangerous road' line - I then used two days to collect my feelings so I could express them to her on our 4 year 'anniversary' of when we first went out... I was planning on taking her out and being all romantic; before bringing up a talk about how I was trying to deal with her telling me she liked another guy, in addition to that fact, that I too wanted our sex life to be 'fiery' and was willing to work on it with her. This plan was kind of altered 'when' she called from work saying she was going out with friends... My wife, a girl girl, who holds onto anniversaries like no other
Forgot. (Anyway, when I reminded her she basically said oh, - okay I'm coming home right now... ) - we went out and things just felt weird during dinner - on the drive home I got her cell phone; and she took it away as fast as she could.. This made me wonder? Which basically through a little 'computer' spying and messages she and him sent out - is how I almost had my first heart attack. Come to find out that our anniversary night (The 27th) was the night they planned have intercourse for the first time; which I interrupted thank god, but does not forgive what she would have done...

From there lots of sparks flew from my side, anger yelling, crying, talking, talking... - and well it's been almost 2 months now; and for whatever reason I've been trying to work it out between us. But the logical, rational side of my mind still says 'leave' her; she's been a child and she will most likely not change... Seems everyone I talk too agrees; that if she could premeditate an affair and go though with it; then there are women more deserving of my kind nature out there then her. Which I agree, but the other side I feel that I love her, I gave her my vows I don't want to break them, she is cute and cuddly, she, prior to this, made me happy regardless what happened... We were in love for '4' years... Is not this affair just another 'step' we have to work through to building a relationship?

Or am I just crazy?

Basically, When is enough enough? Do I risk wasting more of my life for the one I love now; in hopes to keep her... Or do I cut my loses and find someone new to love and trust again?

?? That is the question..?

P.s. Here is what I know about her affair: (I'm going to hold out my anger in the facts and just state what I know... ) It's in the time line that it happened...

-2 Months prior she talked me into 'trying' for a baby; as she has a great desire to be a mom; and I finally caved. So I said we would not try, try but we could stop birth control and see what happens. The thought of a 'little' one grew on me for those month. Then poof: Yes - She planned and had the affair with the other guy; still trying to have a kid with me. She wanted it all... Very immature; and hurtful. I found a messages where She also told 'him' the other guy, that she was trying to get pregnant and she wanted him to wear a condom; because knowing her luck she would end up pregnant with his child not mine. (*ouch for me is right*)

- June 22 She met him... Everything below happened June 23rd, 24, 25 and 26. (Short affair)


- Message saying: She wishes she was single.

- Lots's Messages saying she did not want to hurt me; but she was in love with him...

- They dry humped on his bed.

- they Kissed

- Messages: that he made her so wet all the time.

- See sent him pictures of her naked.

- They swaped 'phone' videos of them masturbating... My wife sent him one of her using a blue 'female' stick device in her 'private area' 'close up'.

- She let him touch her breast; and made out with him in her car. (2nd base)

- (3rd base) She let him finger her in her car (she later told me that it was short and she puched his hand out and she didn't like it, however...

- Message stating to him that 'She enjoyed him fingering her last night. And wanted more, that he was all she thought about...

- Messages to him saying that she did not feel guilty about him fingering her... That she enjoyed it a lot and wanted to do it again; but didn't know when.

- Messages to him ploting to have intercourse for the first time. (Yes, it took ploting: The guy still lives with his mommy so they we're waiting for her to be out of town. *see humor!*... ) -

- That they would do it one time; and no one ever finds out.

- Lots of message about how she longed for him!! Nothing about feeling guilty or her telling him no...

After I found out:

- She told me that they 'never' had intercourse and that she was calling it off. Though, I have nothing that says she did do it with him or not; who knows... (Her messages said otherwise to the calling it off though; when asked she told me she just enjoyed leading him on but would never do it... )

- When I asked her to tell me everything that happen between them; she said they just kissed... I asked her again and again telling her I knew part of what happened; and I did not want her to lie to me - she still didn't mention him fingering her. She with-held that fact... Who knows why...

- She says she only wanted a friend and he pushed for sex; that she kept saying no... (This message board I assume negates that lie... ) in addition: everything she wrote to him was a 'yes' never a no...

- She says she was a child and was played by him... Manipulated...

-She told me she stopped seeing him after we had out fight. (June 30th)

-She broke it off with him 'officially' (via e-mail) 4 weeks after I found out about them. (July 27)

-He got fired from where she works (Unrelated to this, but still good news)

-She says, constantly, she is sorry, she only loves me; and will never again do this. (That she was played and her 'lust' and the forbidden fruit thing was why this happened, and she'll never let that happen again. She realized that I do make her happy even when we have a rough spot.)

- I pretty sure she has stopped seeing him, and has no feelings but anger at him. But no way to know for absolute... I could still be getting played... *my guess is that it's just my fear and not the case though... *

- She has been putting 100% effort into trying to talk with me; and work on us the last few months. She feels very guilty and sad for what happened. (I'm still stuck with the fact that it did happen)

- She's told me she has been doing a lot of personal searching and that she is 'not' going to be 'messed' up anymore... (I'm still stuck with the fact that it did happen... I say that a lot don't I)

- We had several fights when I told her I wanted her to go back on birth control. She didn't want to. She is on it for now... but my guess only for my reasons not hers.

-----------

So that's that... I swear I could make a cheesy 'short story' and make a few dollars from it...

But I'm still stuck in the middle here. I have fun being with her; we have a blast some days now that it's been 2 months. But part of me is feeling like I'm being played, in a couple months, year - she'll do it again only more secretive? I will never forget, or forgive her for what happen I know. But I feel like what we have now is a stronger more commutative relationship... A more enjoyable relationship... I just don't know what to do; it hurts to think about what she did; it hurts to think about letting her 'get' what she wants after hurting myself so bad in this way. I mean yes, she feels guilt; but I have to live with being the 'hurt' one everyday...

At this point I think I can go either way. I can stay and be happy and take the risk, or I can leave (be sad for awhile) then happy again...

But honestly, you all said you tell the 'TRUTH' here on the forums... And that's what I want; the ideas of strangers not taking my money listing what they feel is advice TRUTH?

Do we work through this since we're both willing and trying? And doing a good job to date considering...

Do I leave her because what she did. She was happy with me; yet she did this anyway... ; is it likely to happen again? Am I'm just trying to rationalize a reason to stay so I don't have to look at obvious 'facts' of who I married; so I don't have to admit I made a mistake? Am I just being a 'Parent' to this 'Child', instead of two adults?

Am I just opening the door to take a bigger risk by staying with her? She did come her after all and ask for advice and ignore it all because no one backed her 'actions' up...

Anyone, your thoughts?

Don't know if you are still interested in answers or made your final choice. In any case, the marriage isn't necessarily doomed although obvious major issues exist.

My first 2 suggestions is to get this book:

Amazon.com: Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity: Shirley P. Glass, Jean Coppock Staeheli: Books (http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1219964777&sr=8-1)

Then go check out this site:

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com)

Despite what she said happened & what really happened, at least she stopped herself before it was even worse (many do not) & was seeking advice on how to deal with the situation here instead of a site where cheaters are encouraged to keep on with the affair. That does indicate a lot of hope that she does want the marriage to be protected even though her actions prior to posting here were obviously destructive.

Feel free to contact me if you'd like suggestions for other resources to help or would like me to post them here. There are many, lots which are inexpensive or free.

Good luck to you both!

Don't know if you are still interested in answers or made your final choice. In any case, the marriage isn't necessarily doomed altho obvious major issues exist.

My first 2 suggestions is to get this book:

Amazon.com: Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity: Shirley P. Glass, Jean Coppock Staeheli: Books (http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1219964777&sr=8-1)

Then go check out this site:

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com)

Despite what she said happened & what really happened, at least she stopped herself before it was even worse (many do not) & was seeking advice on how to deal with the situation here instead of a site where cheaters are encouraged to keep on with the affair. That does indicate a lot of hope that she does want the marriage to be protected even tho her actions prior to posting here were obviously destructive.

Feel free to contact me if you'd like suggestions for other resources to help or would like me to post them here. There are many, lots which are inexpensive or free.

Good luck to you both!

Thanks for the reference. I'll check it out...

One thing though, she didn't stop herself. Luck stopped her - me calling at the time she was going to do it; then finding out about it stopped her. She posted this message on the 25th; before she wanted to have 'sex' with the other guy. Regardless of what you guys told her; she still pursued it and asked him... After she made the post her. So her actions took place after coming here...

Hence why I'm having a hard time again; as it seems pre-meditated on her part. She knew it was wrong, she asked you guys; and yet she still continued her affair and plans with the guy. They fingered and 'touched' a lot after coming here... and they were about 15 minutes away from having sex before I 'called'...

I do know that the marriage is not over. It can be saved; and both of us can re-build like we have been. But given the facts; my questions is 'family' do I re-build with her; or find someone else who can follow wedding vows?

I want it to work between us; I really do. I just don't want to make a mistake again. I could never go through this again with her... So you, as long as my voice of reason is not off; and that since we both want to be together then I guess that what we should work on... And see what happens down the road...

*here is keeping your fingers crossed****

If she had wanted to screw him right away, that would have happened. He obviously had no problem screwin a married woman & being coworkers could have made that happen. So she did use some sort of brakes, weak as they were (agree with you on that part). I do give her credit for that & again, for posting here but it's certainly not gold medal marriage enhancement actions that she was interested in, granted.

At this point you have nothing much to lose by giving your marriage a chance to overcome this. The damage is done. It can be repaired & this marriage put on the right track if both of you want that to happen & put the effort into it that it will take.

ALL affair betrayals are premediated, people don't have their private parts accidentally fingered or screwed. Some people may get some drinks in them so they can tell themselves (or their partner if busted) they didn't want or intend it to happen but without a date drug being involved or being out cold from alcohol / drugs & taken advantage of (which begs the question why they put themselves in that sort of situation anyway), all cheaters figure out how to make the cheating work for them deliberately. It's just many do not realize they are on the slippery slope toward an affair until they don't want to make the right choices anymore.

If you go over to SI, they have a special forum for the wandering spouse to get support & advice as well as the betrayed one. They also have a Healing Library with lots of good info.

I could email you guys some articles or even exercises & book excerpts that may be helpful if you like. I'd be happy to do that (no charge).

Most cheaters minimize what they did & many prefer to think "it just happened". More like to claim the marriage or the partner is to blame, which is not true at all. It was their screwed up thinking & carrying it out that caused the betrayal.

I also suggest VERY strongly you guys check out the Retrouvaille program immediately. They are not offered all the time but are all over the place. That way you'll know when you'd have a chance to go. It's extremely helpful plus they want all that need it to be able to benefit so expense is not an issue. It is put on by the church but they again, want people to have great marriages so religion is not the focus at all. They want all couples to feel comfortable so it's definitely not a "we want to convert you" kind of thing at all. The program teaches a great communication tool & other very good marriage foundational / enhancement stuff. It's an entire weekend plus several follow up sessions of a few hrs long every week right after. Quite a bargain for the info & price. Plus that will put you in touch with other couples wanting to make their marriage work well for both, so is a great support system as well.

Retrouvaille Marriage Help for couples with marriage problems. (http://www.retrouvaille.org/)

First, I would like to say that I don't beieve this guy took advantage of her. She was the one that stated she was in love and happily marry and came here seeking advice but didn't take it and cheated anyway. Then lied to you about the affair stated it ended when it didn't.

It's great that you want to work on the marriage but note it will be hard. Truth is hard to regain. As stated eariler by another member she was very selfish. Can it happen again maybe, no one knows. She wanted her cake and ice cream too and went and testing other waters under your nose. If it was me, I'd be gone because she threw away what your had and still lied in your face about it. This will always be in the back of your head and I can help to think that somehow your making excuses for her wrong doing. No weapon was involved it was her own free will. There will always be temptations but we have to have something call self control. What happens when someone else catches her eye?

What a bad place to be in. Don't be an idiot though. Her word is dirt!! Of course she will be sweet as pie, now that the truth is out. It may even last for a while. There are no consequences for her actions... yet. I can predict it will take you an awful long time to get over this, if she co operates, and until then you'll put on the happy face, and so will she, and tell yourselves you have overcome the worst.

Listen to me carefully, take your cheating wife, and get some very professional counseling for you both. Do the real work of talking, crying, and being mad, and get the poison out now, and not let it fester, and show up again later even worse. Dating, and being kissy face, will not cut it, long term, and whether you know it or not, there is a greater issue to be dealt with besides simple adultery, as the real issue was she actively pursued this cheating rather than work with you. Dates, and being nice, and polite, won't change her selfish UNCARING WAYS, but only hide them at the back of the closet.

Get some help, and dig deeper, get the truth, and deal with it. That is, if you both care enough for each other, to help each other.

Even in confronting her, you were not honest, and she didn't have to be. Not a good sign, and I think you would be better served with being guided through the process of brutal honesty and awareness. Sorry you may think me harsh, but I think its necessary. Good Luck!! You'll need it!!

Tal is correct in saying that there are other issues here. This goes much further beyond adultery. She has other issues that need to be dealt with, as do most cheaters. Without getting the help as suggested above, you are destined for a really rocky road, and eventually a nasty divorce.

Don't fool yourself. This was a calculated act on her part, and she will do it again, given the chance, if you and she don't agree to get help for both of you. Not only together, but separate also. If you don't get that help, brace yourself, because you are in for a bumpy ride, and you won't be happy with the crash!

How hard is it to talk to your husband?

Listen it takes 2 people to have sex. You need to talk to one another and you need to tell him what you like. If you don't how can he know I bet the other guy will probable do the same thing.

And can I just say bravo for hanging out with another man you know your attracted to, while you have a husband at home, that's real classy


As for insulting messages. Well if you feel its insulting then I am sorry. But we read from hard facts or from how you tell it, and from what we read or at least I read. It does not put you in a very good light. The part where you say Ohh I don't know how much longer I can hold out. Like it's a pain to be with your husband,

Talk to your husband lose the other guy. You need to work on yourself. Because if you keep jumping or having the idea to go from one person to another. To get the pefect. Feelings. You will be alone always.

Next time think before you do things K thanks

How hard is it to talk to your husband??

Listen it takes 2 people to have sex. you need to talk to one another and you need to tell him what you like. if you dont how can he know i bet the other guy will probable do the same thing.

and can i just say bravo for hanging out with another man you know your attracted to, while you have a husband at home, thats real classy


as for insulting messages. well if you feel its insulting then i am sorry. but we read from hard facts or from how you tell it, and from what we read or at least i read. it does not put you in a very good light. the part where you say Ohh i dont know how much longer i can hold out. like its a pain to be with your husband,

Talk to your husband lose the other guy. you need to work on your self. because if you keep jumping or having the idea to go from one person to another. to get the pefect. feelings. you will be alone always.

Next time think before you do things K thanks

You need to read the other posts please before you respond for one thing. I'm not saying your advice was bad, but we are no longer talking with the original poster! We are now talking with her husband! That is why it is important to read through posts before replying always!

This woman should get what's coming to her.
She has a kind and loving husband at home who cares for her, and she jumps at someone else just because she can.

I feel for you pal, You are stuck in a really weird place right now. I mean lets weigh out the pro's and con's of this whole thing. Feel free to add to this list, because I am just using the information provided.

Pro's: You can work your off to trust again, and hopefully get your marriage back on track. You can settle with her constantly wondering if she is up to something (Wait that's a con.)

Con's: You are married to a woman that violated your wedding vows on many different levels. You are married to a woman that let another man touch her in inappropriate ways. You are married to a woman that lied about the whole affair.

Only you can decide weather or not it is salvageable. I mean is she remorseful for her actions? Does she seem to be willing to fix what she has done? Are you that patient to give her a chance? There are a lot more questions than answers for you at this time. I just hope you can sort it all out and do what is best for you. Good luck and keep us up to date on your progress.

At this point I would like to recommend that the husband of the OP get his own account here on AMHD with his own username. It's very confusing to read a thread that started with the wife and then switched to the husband, both using the same account.

Mods, is there something that we can do about this, I know that two people using one account is frowned upon on AMHD.

I've skipped a lot of responses on here so I hope I'm not repeating a lot of advice. And although I know I'm going to be disagreeing with a lot of people of here, I'm still going to tell you my thoughts. First of all, don't believe anyone that tells you that it's not possible to love two people at the same time, everyone has a subjective definition of love and because of this, I do believe you can love your husband and you have feelings for someone else at the same time. But the reality is that you cannot have two relationships at the same time. Well, technically you could but your husband and this other guy would have to be on board, I'm guessing that's not the case.

Secondly, don't pay too much attention to people telling you you're a bad person. People cheat ALL the time. And although it's not ethical to do so, that's not the point I'm going to raise with you. The point I want to raise with you is the fact that most of the time, it doesn't last with the person they cheat with, even if they leave their significant other to be with that person. Do you know why? Well it's because of the reason they felt the need to cheat in the first place. People become attracted to someone outside their relationship because they feel that Mr. grassisgreener (sorry, I really liked whoever named him that) represents a need that isn't being met by their significant other.

At this point, there are two things you can do if you want to resolve the situation. You can either fix whatever need isn't being met so that you don't project this need onto another man or you can act on your attraction towards him, have an affair and then the next time a need isn't being met in your current relationship (whoever it may be with) you will meet someone who will again represent those needs and spend your life going from one disfunctional relationship to another.

My advice, number one, resolve the issues in your current relationship that are causing you to have a wandering eye and I bet you that you won't find this guy as attractive as you do now. Also, don't listen to people telling you that bad sex is not an excuse for your behavior. That's crap. If bad sex is the need you have that isn't being met, then it's legit and you have every right to feel unfulfilled. But it is up to you to fix it. You can start another thread on that if you want and we can try to help with that as well.

Number two, you need to manage your feelings towards this 'work friend'. You need to give yourself a reality check. Start by listing all of his flaws. If you can't think of any, try harder. Train yourself to work through your feelings. Don't turn this into more fantazy then it already is. You need to supplement this fantasy with his less endearing features. You need to focus on his flaws and on reality, remind yourself constantly. And if you could find a way to break all contact with this guy, you would be doing yourself a huge a favor in that it will help you immensely to break free from the addiction you feel towards the seduction game you two are playing. It may seem fun but in the long run, you are only going to make it painful for yourself.

Communication is KEY in ANY relationship.

Friend! I can understand your feelings, how you must be feeling when you are not having sexual satisfaction... but that doesnot mean that you will go out side the marriage to satisfy yourself. You have already started cheating your husband in your mind.

I am agreeing with the some of the comments given above... COMMUNICATION is necessary. Be PATIENT when you are communicating.

Read my article "Valentines Day Special - Building Relationship" (http://thecandles.wordpress.com/2008/02/14/valentines-day-special-building-relationship/)

Read some other articles in my websites... Please Stay Away from that MAN. If you love your husband get back to him. Teach him do not forsake him just for Sex, which is nothing before TRUE LOVE...

Hey: Just stop hangin with that friend stop stop and stop before
Something bad happen OK.