Hey all, well I have been on this sight now for 3 weeks, reading everything and trying to soak in as much advise as I can. When ever I am on here the pain seems to temporarily subside... so thanks go out to tal, sneezy, and all of you going threw this (too many people to mention) I never really intended to post my story but I think that being interactive on this site rather than just reading post would help the most. Three weeks ago my girlfriend and I of four years broke up. I'm 22 and she's 21. A little bit of an interesting twist is that I broke up with her... but it really feels like I dumped myself. These last few months have been pretty strenuous on me, it all kind of started in Feb. when she went on a university grad trip to Cuba... there was an instant change in her the minute she got back. I really don't know if she cheated or anything but there were definitely some pictures that showed her pushing the envelope. She was pretty distant and very into partying and drinking with her friends, and I was dead last on her priority list). When easter came around her and her girlfriends decided that they were going to take a 4 day trip to the university where all the friends they made on the trip lived. (ALL GUYS) This obviously hurt me as I think it would anyone who is in a serious committed relationship. It is something I would never dream of doing that as I know it would have killed her emotionally, and frankly I think it is inappropriate... (maybe a 1 night trip would have sufficed but 4 nights was a bit much) She got pretty defensive about all this and said that she would have never cared if I did. (which was a huge lie because she has always been very jealous through our relationship. She went and contacted me very little through the weekend. She would always say to me that this is her graduating year and that she is never going to see these people again, and she wanted every moment with her friends to count and that she new all this partying and clubbing was excessive and that is was not the true her. So after being really depressed through all of this I finally snapped myself out of it and decided that I would believe her in that we would be back together and happy when everybody went their separate ways...

Now during all of this she had some future post grad options to deal with. She had gotten accepted into a masters program at a university 6 hours from where we lived and had also had an interview at a med school in town (something you should know about her, she is very book smart, but as I like to call her, socially retarded, she is extremely gullible, doesn't know much about the world around her, is VERY selfish and says a lot of things that hurt peoples feelings... if you were to meet her you might think she's a dumb blonde... Anyway the plan was that if she went away I would go with her and live with her and finish up my last year of school (as I switched programs before and lost a year) with her, and if she got into med school here I would stay her and move in with her. Anyway she found out that the prof in charge of her masters program wanted her to start in may... so she had to find a place for the summer away. It then eventually came out that she didn't want to move in with me there but with some random girls but I should go with her anyway. This was a blow to me as she was the one that was always so serious about us, on how we should live together and get married one day. I said no, there was no way I was going to follow her there to live on my own, spend a ton of money on living in a foreign place by myself. Anyway she will be finding out on Thursday if she gets into med school here.. I feel bad but I am hoping she doesn't as she will then be leaving 2 days later six hours away for her masters and I won't have to deal with her anymore. My friends and even parents don't think she will... one even went as far as saying he would lose all confidence in the medical community if she did. I don't think she will as her marks were on the low end and she didn't have many extra curricular activities related to medicine. I'll let you know what happens because that will either make my healing process a lot easier or harder.

I really apologize for the length of this, I know there is a lot of detail but it is really helping me to just get it all off my chest. Maybe You want to take a bathroom break before I continue...

THE BREAK UP

3 weeks ago exactly she called me around 9:20pm and said she was coming over and asked me if I wanted a coffee... I said sure and got all showered up and ready for her... (don't ask me why but I was really excited to see her) Anyway 10:30 comes around and she is still not here. I call her cell and get no answer, she then texts me right back saying she ran into a friend at the coffee shop and is now coming. Well 11:10 comes by and she still isn't here (it only a 3 minute drive) I then get really suspicious and hop in my car to see if she is there ( I felt crazy for even doing it) Well I drive by the front and there she is having coffee with some guy. Super ty feeling sets in but I decide I will just go home. And I know she saw my car... She still doesn't show up for 20 more minutes. She gets to my house and I am waiting for her outside, expecting a huge explanation and how sorry she is... Didn't get that. She says its really not what you think at all, I met him through a girlfriend last weekend and he talks a lot and I couldn't get out of it. (even if she isn't cheating on me with him it is extremely rude and something I wouldn't do even if I ran into a close friend.) She than turns on the water works and gets into how she has been thinking about taking a break for a few weeks now, that she feels she has grown away from me and is not sure how she's feeling. We were supposed to leave for a 10 day trip to California 4 days later if you can believe it. She said that she wanted to go on the trip to see if it helped her and us. We decided to sleep on it but when I woke up in the morning I had this feeling of what I had to do. I couldn't go to California with someone who didn't really want to be with me, I would feel like I was on trial the whole time and would constantly be thinking whether I was acting OK and if she liked me again. So I told her that day to meet up with me in a parking lot of all places (she could just sit in my car) As soon as she got in she saw a bag filled with all the personal things she gave me and knew what was going to happen. She got pretty upset and said I don't want this to be the end, I have to figure out my schooling and myself and that She would never find another guy like me. (see I broke up with her but she acted like she did it and it felt like she did it) And I know I am a good boyfriend (not being conceded) but like a lot of you guys and girls on here, I know I was great, and went above and beyond what a lot of guys would ever do, and her friends would even always say that I was perfect.. so there is some comfort in that the next guy will have very big shoes to fill and will let her know that she really did let somebody really good go. Anyway she left crying and I went home feeling horrible... I will post a follow up as I feel horrible right now for writing so much. Sorry guys but bare with me.

Anyway I went right into no contact. I knew that a break usually meant it was over, and that getting over a four year seriously intense relationship was going to be one hell of an emotional ride. I got rid of all the stuff she gave me, deleted her from msn, Facebook, and my cell and proceeded into a depressing existence. She contacted me 2 days later saying she was really hurt that I deleted her from Facebook. I replied saying how I would have to go cold turkey from her and how she really let go of someone extremely special. She replied once more saying that she knew she had and that she didn't think she would ever find someone like me and that she was scared that someone would get to have me one day and that they might be better than her. (this made me chuckle... isn't that the point, that they are better than you) I never replied and but took that message as a sign that it was really over. I couldn't believe the friends and family.. even some of her friends that came to me with the whole , "you are so much better off, she didn't deserve you and we never liked you with her, she took you away from us" It made me reflect on our relationship and I saw really how much I invested and cared and how much of me she would take. She really took full advantage of me. This made me feel a bit better about it and kind of gave me the resolve that I could do a lot better and that I wouldn't take her back anyway. Well as the days went by I started questioning it, just thinking about the good times and how I really did want to be with her. You know, started listening to my heart instead of my brain. I was very very down. Two weeks in I got a text from her, saying that she needed to talk to me about something that I would like to hear. Well I just got so excited that she was going to say she missed me but that wasn't the case. I got on the phone with her and what she said was actually pretty interesting. This girl I became pretty close with at school had contacted her through email, she said that I wouldn't talk to her much about the break up and wanted to know if we were really over, because she had feelings for me and wanted to tell me about them, but didn't want to step on someone's toes if we were trying to reconcile. I could tell this made my ex pretty jealous, and upset, and she said that she really didn't want us to be over and was still hopeful that we would get back together but needed to be settled in what she was doing for school next year first. I thought that was bull as it shouldn't matter what you are doing next year, you either love me or you don't. I figured this was just a ploy so I wouldn't hook up with this new girl.

Now about this new girl, to me she is perfect, beautiful, super caring and kind and someone I would totally be into, however it seems my heart is dead right now and I feel like I can't love anyone again. I would hate to rebound off her either, she deserves better than that and I will keep nurturing our friendship in the hope that one day I have feelings for her, and that she is still available.

The next day I felt horrible in the morning... I for some stupid reason decided to go over to my ex's place to drop off some of her stuff in the hopes that if she saw me she would miss me. Well it didn't really work that way as you probably would have guessed. She got pretty emotional (I didn't beg or cry or even say that I wanted her although I think I gave that impression) I sort of acted like it was really over and I was saying bye to her. She kept saying over and over not to be negative and that she wanted us to reconcile one day. And it was weird because all of our pictures were still up. I left and she gave me a huge hug as I did. I decided though that I would have to go back to no contact though to keep myself sane. But I find NC to be useless if you are still hoping for them to return to you.

So the last week has been pretty miserable up until yesterday. Someone I work with who knows who she is and also works part time in a club saw her... They didn't know we broke up and came to me with, I think you're girlfriend is cheating on you... This was like a kick in the nuts and I couldn't help myself but to inquire further. Apparently she was out at a club wearing a super short dress, high heels and was grinding and being felt up by several guys. Some of which she was kissing their necks. This crushed me at first, almost to the point of tears, but something else happened, it made me decide that I would never take her back. I wouldn't even consider dating a girl who would act like that... TO me that is just not attractive or classy. She was really showing her true colors and that was not someone I would want to be involved with. So last night I saw the pictures on her friends Facebook and sure enough her dress looked like it was a t-shirt and she was all over several guys. Again it hurt... so I decided to delete her friends as well. I felt like a butt for doing it but decided I am not going to talk to these people ever again and I have to protect myself. She has since sent me little messages like asking me to go and chat on msn, I have responded (which I shouldn't have) by saying I was just busy. Today She contacted me to tell me she got a new car... I didn't respond though. I hate that she has to tell me about the good things that are going on in her life. She still must think she can have me at anytime, she just doesn't know that I know how she acted that night and that I want nothing to do with her anymore.

Hey Tal, thanks for the welcome. Sorry about that, I really should have done that, but I felt like what I was writing wasn't really a question but just a story that I needed to share... I think what I was trying to get at though is that through no contact, or at least the beginning, most people seem to be holding on to hope that their significant other is going to come back to them. And I think this hope gets in the way of doing any true healing, or at least I know it did for me. I think there is a moment for everybody where something snaps in them and they decide that they really are better off without the person, and that cloud of admiration surrounding them lifts and you can really see them for who they really are. Don't get me wrong, it still hurts like a b**ch but I think that I can now really truly start NC with the full intension of healing myself and moving forward. Of course there are going to be bumps in the road, but that's what you guys are here for. Thanks for hearing me out and really, I am sorry for the length of all that, it just felt better to write it down. :)

I have moved your posts to its own area, if it is not an asnwer to someone else it needs to be its own post. These are not blogs ( although some seem to be at times) they are suppose to be question and answers

Sorry it took so long to read that saga, and I feel bad that my advice is so short, but... Move on, and build a life that you enjoy. You are in the right place to vent.

Tal is right. Your story reeks of you working on your relationship to the detriment of your actual life. It sounds like you pursued it far past its natural demise.

Get back to business, you have a LOT to get done and girlfriend/fiance/wife is only a part of it. Get your priorities back, get some stuff happening again in your life/career, this should put you in contact with women who are respectful/appreciative of someone like you.

I personally liked that your post was long and detailed.. You have no idea how this helps people who are going through a similar type of problems. It helps me to hear your story and know that you're getting better and healing.. I'm very happy that you shared your story, and heck keep us posted on your progress, it helps in more ways than one.

OK last year I was in exactly the same posistion as you and I spent nearly all my time looking at sites like this for support.

Its really hard when you break up with a girl, however I can confirm YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!! Your girlfriend showed you a complete lack of respect and the fact she was out with another guy when she was supposed to be with you is cheating, remember intention is as bad as actually doing anything, she crossed the line and you did exactly what you should have done and finished with her.

You shouldn't be done in right now, basically she showed you exactly how much respect she has for you and your feelings which is zero!! You have had the right amount of self respect to not put up with it and ditch her! Self respect being the key here. You must now move on knowing that you are better off without her in your life, you sound like a guy with morals and treats a girl right, you'll get someone better trust me.

I've been cheated on however I wasn't as strong as you and was treated like a doormat by a girl, basically this made the recovery 10 times harder!! I wish I'd done what you have done. Don't take it personally either she is only young and because she's been with you for 4 years she wants to experience life and see other guys, this is to be expected, if you want to settle down you need an older girl that has done all that and wants the same thing. I have one rule with relationships and that is they get one chance with me, the first lie or sign of foul play and they are gone.. this is just what you did and it was the right thing to do!! I learned this the hard way.

Get on with your life and you'll meet a more subtible girl.

I personally liked that your post was long and detailed.. You have no idea how this helps people who are going through a similar type of problems. It helps me to hear your story and know that you're getting better and healing.. I'm very happy that you shared your story, and heck keep us posted on your progress, it helps in more ways than one.

Took the words right out of my mouth!

NorthernNiceGuy:
In the relationship that I am currently in, sometimes it feels like I am doing all the work. Which isn't fair to the person with the burden because a relationship is supposed to be two people working together, not a one sided affair.

Anyway... You made your decision and stuck with it and you should be very proud for doing that... Most people back out of pulling the plug on a relationship due to the stress/hurt/feelings that come with it. So for you to stick with your decision is very good in my opinion.

Glad to see you are looking forward and good luck with everything.

-Sik

Hey guys, I really appreciate your kind words and support. Every post really helped. You're all right in what you said. I really should have got out of this thing long ago, its time to take care of someone I have been neglecting for a long time... myself! I can do way better.

Anytime northernniceguy

I need to do the same thing but my problem isn't over yet...

Ugh.. I hate drama!

-Sik

Anytime northernniceguy

I need to do the same thing but my problem isnt over yet...

ugh..i hate drama!

-Sik

I just commented on your situation... I'll definitely be paying attention to what happens there. She's definitely not worth your time!

Northern, you don't need this type of basketcase in your life. You have your priorities straight, she doesn't. You need to take this time to sort all your things that YOU want to do out, without her. If it's meant to be, it will be, and if not, you will find someone a lot better while traveling down this road of yours.

Got to agree with Rome and the other guys on this one.

It took guts to cut your ties, and you do deserve better. Remember, you are the opportunity of a lifetime for a girl, and if they are not prepared to value that opportunity then they don't deserve to have you!

good luck joining many of us on here on the road to getting yourself back!

Sweetie, you really do seem like a nice guy... just like your user name.

This girl, even though you spent years of loving her, is not right for you. She doesn't seem to have the same depth of character as you.

You're doing well. You're going to make it. You're going to find that some day soon, you'll be able to look back upon your relationship with her and smile for the good times.

Focus on you right now. Focus on obtaining that shimmery future waiting just around the bend... the one that is perfectly designed for you.

Proud of you. Keep up the awesome progress!

Hi Northern,

You are doing so great! You deserve sooo much better. And you will meet her! And she will be lucky to have you, and will definatley apprciate you!

This question is mostly meant for the people that have been in the NC calender or others who know my situation, but any advice is greatly appreciated.

Well a little bit of an update on me... My ex texted me several times last night begging me to call her back saying she really really needed me... I gave in.

Hit the 2 month break-up point a few days ago and I feel like I am in the midst of the first few weeks. (hopefully it will pass fast, I think it will) She had some very unusual things that I would really like some opinions on...

Well about a week ago she asked me repeatedly (through text) that I go visit her in her new town. I didn't respond much but eventually gave in and suggested that maybe we meet up at the half way point in Toronto where there is tons of stuff to do. Anyway, she then tells me that she is very broke right now and that she can't afford it and would like me to go there. (six hour drive) But the catch is that she is busy every weekend until August... Which is a jerk move in my eyes as once again you have gotten me to open up my heart and have just put salt on the wound. She then proceeds to tell me what she is up to those weekends... some of which is visiting all the guys she met in cuba, going to some guys camp, flying out to another province to see friends (very expensive) and renting a cottage with her camp friends for a week (which I have been a part of for the last 4 years)

All this makes me feel dead last again, just like I did the three months before we broke up, everyone and everything came before me... not to mention she begs me to visit but then says she has to do all this first... I then suggest maybe going to the cottage with her and her friends as I have made some close friendships with them as well... She doesn't like this idea because she thinks she will be to emotional and it will take away from the time she gets to hangout with these people. (I am just starting to see this as another thing she doesn't want to involve me in... wants to party and hangout with lots of people without me then have me on the side... does that make sense to you guys?)

Anyway she goes on to say that when she thinks about the future... a husband, traveling, and a life she still thinks about me by her side. Tells me I am perfect and that she can't even imagine being with someone else right now. This makes me feel good obviously, but then I ask her if that is true then wouldn't you want to fight for me... and that other people would climb mountains to get that person back and not just say, no you have to wait until August and you have to come see me and do all the work. Could she be making me wait so she feels better while she gets over it and maybe finds someone else??

Everything always seems to be on her terms, as if I have nothing better to do than to wait on her. My parents and friends have all noticed a change in me the last couple days, saying I seem sad again, and irritable.

For the ones that have read my initial post and followed me through the NC calender and have read the things she done and how its made me feel... can you give your honest opinion on if I should just really move on... I feel like I am being used but for some reason am having trouble thinking on my head with this one. Be blunt please, and tell me I am being stupid if you want. Are there better girls out there who will treat me right??

Yes I think that you are being too nice hoping that by doing so she will feel sorry and take you back!! that in the movies man... she is really mind ing you, testing the waters to see if she still has you in the palm of your hand... by you replying and playing her game, you really just boosted her big ego... she is just using you man... listen I hit two months tomorrow... haven't spoken with her in a long time... and guess what happened? She too messaged me out of the blue on Saturday... I wanted to reply right the way... but then I didn't... you know why?? because when she broke it off she was too busy to be in a relationship with me and she treated me like during the last few months... I cocnsidered responding maybe today to keep it short, but thank God I read your post... iu ll think OK one text is not going to do any damage but u'll be surprise... I m feeling better and last time we messaged each other... I felt horrible for almost a week... trust me I don't want to go back... So my advice to you my friend is stuck your gut out... DO NOT.. I REPEAT DO NOT... go backward... it's true there are great girls out there who know how to appreciate a good man like you... forget about this one... I never thought I would be able to say something like this this soon... it's 2 months... but I really thought that without my ex that was it... well guess what?? / WRONG WRONG WRONG... I don't care how long you were together... YOU NEED A CLEAN... AND I MEAN CLEAN BREAK AND A FRESH START... she is an ex for a reason... u know how I did it?? I started by appreciating all the little things that are right in my life, my family, job, all the goods... when you miss her because you think of great time, remember the last few months... how horrible she treated you... n u'll think I'm better off without that nut case!! ( at least I do now... ) I FOUND OUT THAT WHAT I ONCE THOUGHT WAS GOLD HAS NOW TARNISHED... AND REMEMBER... SILENCE SPEAKS VOLUME!! ALL THE BEST MY FRIEND!! CHEERS

Thanks gg23, that response helped a lot. A lot of really good points. I am not making rational decisions because of how I am feeling. Everything I do (that is wrong) has an emotion behind it that clouds my judgment. I hate the fact that I have gotten so weak all of a sudden. She hadn't contacted me much in the first month and I felt pretty good at the end of it and felt like I had got out of something detrimental to me. But now that she is contacting me and saying the things she is she is bringing back those old feelings of wanting a relationship, I really hate it...

Oh NNG,

I am sorry that this has happened when you were feeling so good.. she seems to have done very well with stirring up your emotions..

To be blunt, if you go see her and hang out with her, old feelings about her are going to flood in.. I'm sure she's attractive.. and when you see her for the first time in 2 months your heart is proly going to race, and you're going to want to kiss her and all.. I know the feeling believe me, I'm having a hard time resisting my ex when we meet up (which has been a couple times since we broke up) and so.. when you get those feelings it clouds all rational thinking and all you care about is just being with them and connecting and kissing, and so on.. it's not good..

Remember you made that list of your ex (you actually made it while you were together if I remember correctly) of all the things that bother you about her?? I suggest you read that list before you make a final decision..

Ask yourself this.. what is the real benefit of meeting her? What's the real need for it.. you didn't want to get back with her because she was horrible to you.. I think all it's going to bring is more heartache and backsliding in your healing process..

Whatever you decide to do NNG, we are all here for you.. believe me, I'm still SOOOO confused about my situation and don't know what the heck the future holds and I'm probably sure I'm going to make my fair share of mistakes along the way!

You can't move forward to better things, if your looking back at what was. Do you really need more of testerday's crap to know its poison still?

You already knew what my advice would be anyway. So skip to the bottom line, back to NC!!

NNG, I think what you are doing is hoping againt hope that this is some temporary break up and things will turn around. I think as a result you making yourself available to her, which as you point out that very fact alone is on her terms. When you are emotional, she's going to know, she can read emotions better then you can and she uses them to control you. As you note any resistance you put up she just shoots you right down. This is an emotional test for her to see exactly where she has you. It sucks for you because you can't really defend yourself without coming off as the bad guy, but at this point you've earned the right to be the bad guy. You've put up with enough of her games, and you have offered her far more respect and opportunities to change her behavior so I think you owe it to yourself to respect yourself more then she is doing and let this one go into the past where she belongs. The future is yours but for you to get there you must let go of the past, and to do that you must let her go for good.

NNG, I'm going to add a little more because the truth of the matter is, I was kind of allowing the same thing to happen to me during my recent break up. She was in complete control and when she would contact me, it was always on her terms and I was always on defense not wanting to upset her. I'd see her and she'd say something small and I'd hold onto it thinking she had come around. The reality was, I was the one that needed to come around, I was the one that had been disrespected at various times, just like you, and I bite my tongue and let it go as not to upset her. That's exactly what you are doing. But at whose expense? Not hers. You're the one who's taken a step backwards or as I was "stuck in neutral." I work with my ex, and I've started leaving for lunch just to avoid her, you have the option of at least being not to see her or talk to her. Take that option because your mental and emotional health is more important then her mental and emotional games. I know it sucks when you give a damn about someone and it's not coming back, but I am telling you, it sucks a lot worse when you stop and realize that you are only helping her play her game. Don't be that guy, she may be a low life, but that doesn't mean she has to drag you down with her.

HHhmmm, sounds like what's been done to me and what I've done to a past ex. Lol. You want them, but at the same time, you don't. Well, that's just not good enough, is it? The more you let yourself talk to her, meet up with her, etc when you have YET to fully complete the healing process, you will hurt. In fact, you'll hurt more each time you go back on NC.

People think it's wrong to act on your "emotions" or that "emotions" are bad. I don't think that's necessarily true. What type of emotions are evoked when you remember the ways in which she mistreated you, how she still mistreats you by insensitively mentioning other guys (which I've also done), and all the plethora of reasons that the relationship ended to begin with? I'm sure you feel a crazy amalgam of a lot of things--sadness, relief, resentment, anger, the works.

So concentrate on those emotions that made you angry and unhappy. DON'T go backwards on NC. You've been doing great so far. Notice that the longer you maintain NC, the happier you become. The longer you talk to her, the more miserable and confused you get. Do you notice the happiness gap?

It's up to you, but I advise that you just drop all lines of communication with her. Tell her it's for you, not her. Or I suppose you don't even have to. How do you know when you're healed and no longer have to do NC? When you no longer need/care to know the answer.

PERSEVERANCE, NNG!

NNG,

As you know I have followed your story from pretty much the beginning and am at about the same point in my journey as you are.

I personally think that you need ot take everything you hear from her worth a grain of salt. I can tell you from experience that the first my ex dumped me, last year, she told me a lot of the same things that you heard from your ex. She mentioned spending the rest of her life with me, etc, etc, etc... In the end, we got back together, but it didn't last very long.

I think you have every right to be worried about her just "using" you to feel better until she can feel better herself. You need to make sure that nothing like that is going on if you continue to keep communication with her.

I know its going to be the hardest part but your best bet is to ignore it and move on. You need to remove yourself from the confusion that is keeping your down. Sure it made you feel good, but how much time have you spent confused and worrying about what she is thinking and what will happen in the future?

Probably not what you want to hear, but I'm trying to give you the best thoughts I can...

Hang in there bud.

Hey you guys... I want to thank you for the responses. They were really what I was hoping to hear... And I did know what you would say Tal.. Chuff, that was good advice, its nice to know someone went through that too, thanks bud. And everybody else, really in a time like this it means the world to me.

And when I say time like this I mean time like this... things really hit the fan tonight... Big time.

One of my girlfriends came over and told me that she (my ex) had hooked up with somebody but didn't know much else. She told me because she knew I was thinking of going to see her and wanted me not to. So I called my ex with my friend there. And I confronted her... After prying her I got out that she made out with this guy... So I asked... is there anybody else... She says one more... (being very reluctant to talk by this point)... I ask point blank, did you sleep with him? And there is silence for like 5 seconds. I say you did, and she admits it... A one time thing she says, crying and that she thought of me the whole time, and that her head was all over the place since the break up. It wasn't the true her. Anyway I got all the info I wanted (this happened 1 month ago, so 1 month after we did break up as it has been 2 months. She started begging me to come see her still, and that she wants to be with me now. That I am the only one in her heart.. (felt like saying but not the only one between your legs)

So I said I hope he was worth it to you and said bye.

While this totally crushes any chance of me wanting her back... What the hell do I do know? I am absolutely crushed and can't stop picturing it. My girl had sex with another guy. Its just, I can't even explain it, just feel like crap . ANY HELP or advise would help so much. You guys were right all along about this one, and now I need you more than ever. DAY 1


Side note... She said over and over not to tell anyone... She didn't want her reputation to suffer... Glad that's what she is thinking about the most when she tells me this . SELFISH TO THE BITTER END!!

Hey BB, could use your help on this update for sure!

I think you should (move on). I agree with you that if she really wanted back, I'm sure she wouldn't be waffling around about some time in August. Please. People make time for what they want to make time for. Period.

Also I went and read your previous saga, er, I mean post, (don't worry, mine was quite long & detailed too!), and since February, she went on vacation, and met some people and seems like she got a little taste of the big world and her personality kind of changed.

I know how you feel about feeling like a low priority in some ways because my ex would put other things on such a pedestal, too, and it didn't make me feel like I was special.

One other thing to note, also, is that sometimes when people are looking at moving to a new place and starting a whole new life there, it is so overwhelming that they actually distance themselves from their S/O, though probably they don't realize they're doing it.

Anyway, yes I don't think she's taking you very seriously right now or making you a priority, so yeah, I'd go back to NC, and in fact in some ways it sounds to me as if it might be in your best interest to move on, and live your life, and eventually find someone else.

Hey you guys... I want to thank you for the responses. They were really what I was hoping to hear... And I did know what you would say Tal.. Chuff, that was good advice, its nice to know someone went through that too, thanks bud. And everybody else, really in a time like this it means the world to me.

And when I say time like this I mean time like this... things really hit the fan tonight... Big time.

One of my girlfriends came over and told me that she (my ex) had hooked up with somebody but didn't know much else. She told me because she knew I was thinking of going to see her and wanted me not to. So I called my ex with my friend there. And I confronted her... After prying her I got out that she made out with this guy... So I asked... is there anybody else... She says one more... (being very reluctant to talk by this point)... I ask point blank, did you sleep with him? And there is silence for like 5 seconds. I say you did, and she admits it... A one time thing she says, crying and that she thought of me the whole time, and that her head was all over the place since the break up. It wasn't the true her. Anyway I got all the info I wanted (this happened 1 month ago, so 1 month after we did break up as it has been 2 months. She started begging me to come see her still, and that she wants to be with me now. That I am the only one in her heart.. (felt like saying but not the only one between your legs)

So I said I hope he was worth it to you and said bye.

While this totally crushes any chance of me wanting her back... What the hell do I do know? I am absolutely crushed and can't stop picturing it. My girl had sex with another guy. Its just, I can't even explain it, just feel like crap . ANY HELP or advise would help so much. You guys were right all along about this one, and now I need you more than ever. DAY 1


Side note... She said over and over not to tell anyone... She didn't want her reputation to suffer... Glad that's what she is thinking about the most when she tells me this . SELFISH TO THE BITTER END!!

NNG,

Where to start...

First off, I can't imagine how crushing it must have been to hear that. Personally I will tell you that those lines have been my worst fear since the breakup. I hope to God that it doesn't happen, and if it does, I really don't want to know. I can't say I have lived through what you are feeling, but I have certainly feared and tasted a bit of it...

I guess it doesn't need to be said anymore, but NC from here out is definitely your plan. You need to prevent yourself from hearing things like this. You said that you pryed the information out of her, and I know exactly how that feels. You hope that your going to hear everything you want, and nothing you don't - thing is, it rarely turns out that way. Digging for information is probably one of the worst things you could possibly do in a situation such as a breakup.

No doubt you feel the pain, anger, frustration and resentment at the fact that she apparently moved on so fast. To be perfectly honest, I don't think she moved on at that point, I still don't think she has, but I don't think that means you need to waste another minute of your time thinking about her. Easier said than done, I know.

She might have been thinking about you the whole time, but if she was why wouldn't she contact you, or try to, and try to talk to you. It seems to make sense that a resonably intelligent person would be able to realize that something such as that isn't going to make you feel better if your doing it for all the wrong reasons...

So where to go from here?? First of all, don't think of it as day 1. I can tell you from similar experiences which have made me panic and feel like I was starting all over again that it isn't quite as bad as you think at first. I felt like I was starting all over again, and I wasted all of that time on nothing. Not true.

It may take a week, it may take more, but you will be feeling like you were 3 days ago before you know it. Just keep telling yourself that you know you will get better, you have lived through these ups and downs before. I'm not sure if it happens to you, but you might start feeling like you don't even want to get better. You want to stay sad and stay held down so that maybe she will feel bad for you, or maybe she will start begging (though it seems she has already started).

Try to see the end, the end that you were seeing before. The life of happiness that you got a taste of without her. Keep working towards that goal and you will get there before you know it. As low as you feel now, I assure you the climb back out is easier than the initial climb. It won't take you another 2 months, I promise. Don't spend time worrying about how long its going to take to be back where you were, just worry about what you need to do.

The same old rules for NC apply, NNG. Keep busy, keep busy, keep busy. As long as your mind is occupied, you can't waste your time wondering about her and crying out in your mind "WHAT WAS SHE THINKING?!?!". As long as your mind is occupied, you will be headed for better times faster and faster...

Sorry for the length, but I know when I'm down I like to read a long story. Keeps me occupied... As always, feel free to PM me if you need, hope this helps bud.

Hang in there.

-BB

To be honest and not harsh, you invited, and allowed this new misery and pain in your life. Guess who has to do the work involved with coping with it??

Hi NNG,

I am so sorry that this happened and she did this. The only thing I can say to you is to know that you can and will do better than her. I know you love her, I know you are hurt, believe me, but after this shock begins to wear off, you will then see that she is not who you thought she was, and that you will definitely find the right woman. Sweetie, go back to the NC, and keep talking with us. Like BB said, keep yourself as busy as possible, and if you find yourself getting sad, cry... cry it all out honey. Then, after the tears stop, smile. Realize that you are a great guy, and know that there is a woman around the proverbial corner, who will sweep you off YOUR feet...

Hey all,

I want to thank you all for the support. Haha and tal... that hurt a bit I will admit, and I know its something I allowed to happen and have to accept the consequences as my own. The last few days have been interesting... but bird you were right, already I am starting to feel better. I have lost all want and desire to ever be with her again which is good. The only thing that haunts me is the thought of them doing the deed, every now and then it really hits me and I feel a bit sick. I am starting to kind of see this as something that had to happen, because now I completely and finally realized that I am better off. Just wish I had been able to do it on my own, because this really isn't fun. So everyone that needs an example of how not doing NC can be bad, this is it... I took the ultimate hit and it really hurts...

On a further update she sent me an e-mail last night... Seems like she was mad at me... I could tell that it was a plot to make me feel bad and to get me to come crawling back to her... because that's what I always did.

Here it is...

hi
i just want to say a couple things ...
I know i shouldnt have done what i did....it was too soon, and obviously I am not over u. I just dont know if its fair for you to talk to other people about this and them tell you that you kept me grounded....I havent felt this low about myself ever! I feel like a complete fool... :( ... I was good to you for a very long time. We are humans. A couple months ago i felt things with us werent right, i wasnt sure wat was goign through my head and i thought the right thing to do was to act on it and let you know.....then a month later i got a little crush and it went too far...but like ... right now i honestly feel like WORTHLESS.....i feel like a HUGE WHORE, a slut, skank, you name it......and then i take a step back and think ... really I am not this person.. why am i letting you tell me im so crummy and then beleiving it.
I have such high goals in life, I want to make a difference, I want to be healthy, I want to have a nice family, I value my family and friends, I like to be friendly, and i do have self respect. So i made a mistake..... I did....and now becasue of that i am sitting here in london alone ....cannot stop crying....go to work with swollen eyes....falling asleep on my desk...cant concentrate....all because of this dam mistake.
All i want you to try to do is not look at this from ONLY a negative point ... i am so so so sorry i hurt you...i am....but i dont want to lose all self-esteem i have left and jeopardize my masters :(

So I decided I was going to respond, I knew I was never going to be with her, so I decided to take a different approach to it all and go out like the person I think I am...

Steph,

I never told you you were crummy, I let you know what it did to me. You told me from very early on that you were messed up and that you weren't sure this was the end. You told me you weren't interested in guys and that you don't even hangout with ones that like you. If you had been honest about all that from the onset I would have moved on. I kept my heart open to you steph, I kept a burning flame for you, thinking yes she is telling me the truth and she will let me know. I didn't go around telling people I kept you grounded... Someone told me that. You said to me right before I wrote that that I brought out the best in you. I never called you names over this, I told you how it made me feel and that was it. I was absolutely devastated that I was still in love with someone who so clearly wasn't with me. I mis-read the situation and it is my own fault for putting myself through this, people are going to do what they are going to do.... like you said humans are humans. It was hard thinking of every time we were intimate and replacing myself with someone else. You always told me this would never happen but here we are... Life tests you and I know that this pain in me won't last forever.

I know you have high goals and I know you will do superbly with them in the future. I wish you the best of luck with your life, love, happiness and career. The sky's the limit for you steph, and I know you will do great. Keep your chin up and don't give up on anything. You have worked hard for this masters and I know you are going to do great. Anyways, I guess this is it from old rick. Thank you for all you have taught me, and the times we have shared, even with all that has happened, I wouldn't have traded it for anything.

Just remember this....

Everything will be okay in the end.... if it's not ok, it's not the end....

Love Rick




She has been texting me pretty non-stop since she got it, begging for another chance... So I guess in the end I really did get what I wanted... her wanting me back. But its tarnished now, and I really do just want to move on. I haven't responded, and won't any longer. This is really the final chapter in our break-up... Now the actual healing can start. I know this was long but I wanted to share the very end with all of you. Thanks for all your help guys, its meant so much, really.

Not problem bro... see... keep looking ahead... you will be better off without her and she is feel sorry for letting a good catch... you will be fine man... keep you head up!! cheers... what was once thought as gold as now tarnished... hahaha... I love to say that too... ok got to get ready for my new lady...
PS: last night I had sooo much fun that it should be illegal

NNG,

It is amazing how similar your situations and your feelings are to mine. I can tell you that I have had that images run through my head, I have felt the sick feelings and I know what you mean. In my case, they were all imagined and conclusions that I jumped to, but to think about it makes you sick nonetheless.

The "replacing" or yourself with someone else in those situations - all of that, I have been there and it sucks. I can tell you that after a while you start to become "numb" to the images and the feelings associated with them. It doesn't really make it suck any less, but it still hurts a bit.

The way you wrote your email back to her is amazing to how I have felt too. All thorugh the breakup, she was insistent that she was being completely and 100% honest with me. She wanted to be alone, she wanted to work on herself and she wanted to become a "better person". She didn't treat me very great, and finally recognized it and wanted to change that about herself. In any case, to find out that it was all lies would crush me, as it did to you.

Just wanted you to know I know EXACTLY how you are feeling and my thought process is identical. Hang in there bud, you will get through it. Just know that your doing the right thing.

Thanks bird,

I don't really know if anyone should believe what the person who wants to break up says... Seems that time and time again they try to come off in a way that will make them look better in the eyes of the person they are letting go... Also, they probably don't want to hurt you as they usually do still care. But the truth is what I wish I had gotten a long time ago. I have wasted a lot of emotions on her... Not necessarily that she slept with someone but that she really didn't have any intention of reconciling with me. She really lead me on... but really its my fault, I allowed it and should have got out a long time ago.

It's nice to have someone who is thinking like I am. Feeling like you are not the only one in the world going through it helps a lot. I think that numb feeling you talked about has come sooner than expected. Still really hurts sometimes but its almost like I am so emotionally drained that I can't do it right now. I am sure it will come and hit me again, but for now I am glad I am feeling all right. She is still sending me little love texts to try and reel me in. Its funny because I don't mind anymore. I am not responding and the sad feeling I got when I used to get them isn't there anymore.

Thanks again BB, glad you got my back

Were still young, plenty of years ahead.

No reason to waste all this time on what happened. Remember what things we like when you were together, and respect what you had. Don't forget it and don't waste the lessons you learn now during the breakup...

We'll all be fine. And remember, this happens to everyone - your never alone in it.

So a few of you are familiar with my story... Anyway I am 7 months into my breakup after being together for 4 years. I got very serious about NC about two months ago. ( was never the one to contact her but had a problem ignoring her) Anyway I went as far as changing my phone number and blocking her from all e-mails, IM's and social networks.

About 2 weeks ago though a buddy of mine called me to tell me something he thought I should know. He was talking to one of my ex's good guy " friends' " ex. Anyway I guess they were talking about her breakup and they brought me up. She mentioned that my ex and her ex had hooked up... My friend figured whatever, she hooked up with just about everyone after we broke up... but she said no, this is while NNG and her were dating. Apparently she instantly regretted saying this and begged my friend not to tell me. He said of course I am going tell him. So he told me, it hurt for a second but then helped me to really get rid of those last nagging feelings I had for her. I then slept on it and proceeded to break NC by unblocking her e-mail and sending her a quick message explaining that I knew and how I should have really just moved on earlier and that I deserved much more blah blah blah. I then reblocked her as I didn't care about a response and really didn't want one.

So last night I get a call from my brother saying that my ex has called him very upset, wanting my number. He didn't but she said she would find it eventually. Well she did, ten minutes later I got a call. I ignored it. She left a very very long voicemail crying saying how it didn't happen and that she really misses me. She even said I love you quite a few times which at this point I felt was pretty inappropriate. There is not a doubt in my mind that she cheated, as my emotional blinders have lifted over time I can see that I was messed around on more that once. She asked me to call her back, and to at least just tell her that I don't want to talk to her and if I don't she will continue to call me... Seems ridiculous to me that she would do this, and I am pretty peeved that she would even call me in the first place... she knows I changed my number because of her. She wanted this break up after all so it really perplexes me as to why she can't let go and I have been able to.

So should I just call her and say no to anymore contact. I don't want to discuss the cheating thing as to me there is nothing to discuss and it really doesn't matter either way. Or... should I just continue with no contact, ignore her till the bitter end.

Suggestions?

Don't contact her again. You're way too far past it at this point to bother. She'll get over it, and all that you'll get out of it is getting caught up in her drama that will lead nowhere but exactly where you are right now. She's just looking for forgiveness - but you've basically already done that. It's in the universe already.

Just ignore her, she'll get the message eventually. Contacting her could lead to more complication.

No Contact it is!

Leave it be. I can't say that if I was in your position I would have the self control to not call her back, but since I am an outsider, it makes it easier for me to tell you that. You have come way too far to possibly re-open a devastating situation. Find a way to block her number from your phone and keep on moving on! It doesn't matter anymore... she doesn't matter anymore.

You started this latest round by breaking NC and sending her an email, and I can understand her wish to be able to respond, although a better person would have ignored your email. Threatening to keep calling if you don't call back is blackmail. But blocking someone but then writing to them yourself is pretty bad too.

If you want to take the low road but protect yourself, then simply don't call back, ever.

If you want to take the high road, apologize for your message and say you regret sending a goading message. Then go on to say you really don't want to be in contact anymore, and apologize separately for breaking your own no contact rule. Entertain one more round of communication to let her have her say. Then go back to NC.

You really don't know at this point whether what your buddy said is true or accurate and I would put it out of your mind. It obviously feeds into your worst fears.

And find some new friends. Your buddy is a gossip and a trouble maker.

Don't be weak man

Keep to NO contact!

Never go back in life.

Always move forward! :)

You started this latest round by breaking NC and sending her an email, and I can understand her wish to be able to respond, although a better person would have ignored your email. Threatening to keep calling if you don't call back is blackmail. But blocking someone but then writing to them yourself is pretty bad too.

If you want to take the low road but protect yourself, then simply don't call back, ever.

If you want to take the high road, apologize for your message and say you regret sending a goading message. Then go on to say you really don't want to be in contact anymore, and apologize separately for breaking your own no contact rule. Entertain one more round of communication to let her have her say. Then go back to NC.

You really don't know at this point whether what your buddy said is true or accurate and I would put it out of your mind. It obviously feeds into your worst fears.

And find some new friends. Your buddy is a gossip and a trouble maker.

I know you are kind of playing devil's advocate here and I appreciate your input, however I would have to respectfully disagree with some of the things you are saying.

Yes I broke contact to e-mail her, but no there was no goading involved. Perhaps I should not have said something, that has crossed my mind... But my e-mail was very to the point, not insulting and more of a note to make her aware that I was aware of what happened. I do believe I am entitled to say something, I gave my life to this person for 4 years and literally put everything I had into it... I treated her like a queen. Over this time was made to feel like dirt several times and I caught her "emotionally" cheating on me twice. Should I have gotten up and left sooner. Yes, but when you are in love you usually throw logic to the dogs. There is no doubt in my mind that she cheated, and its not just my friend saying it, her best friend even told that she cheated when she went to cuba. I kept my mouth shut on that one as I didn't want to jeopardize their friendship. And I know that me calling her out on this latest accusation is in part of not being able to say something about the other one. That I know happened as she was caught in the act. It's a difficult pill to swallow hearing that somebody you loved and never waiverd from could betray you like that when you thought they loved you. I don't regret sending that e-mail and believe almost anyone would do the same when you have gone through something like this.

And if taking the low road is not calling her than I guess all the advice I have received here is wrong...

And as for my friend, he wasn't sure about telling me at first but decided I deserved to know, and frankly I would be very disappointed in him if he didn't. How do you not tell one of your good friends that. Calling him a gossip and a troublemaker is ludicrous and not appreciated.

And finally, I do know I invited contacted by sending that e-mail. Its not something I wanted and am not really surprised that she would want to have her say... Whether I should just ignore it is the question.

How do you figure you're doing NC? You've broken it once and are asking us for permission to do it again??

Your email was a big tease to her and made her think you still care somehow and might want to get back together. (That's how we females think--not logically but hopefully.) Another contact by you will firm that up in her pretty little head. Do you want to do that? And if you contact her again, this is no longer NC. I'm guessing this new drama won't end after a second contact.

I am aware and have conceded that I broke NC with that e-mail. And I am not asking for permission on should I do it again, breaking it at this point is not of great concern to me, I feel I have moved on quite sufficiently and am not worried about the repercussions from talking to her. And this is not a game, if she wants to think I want her back than by all means she can think that (however I don't see how what I wrote to her could be interpreted as wanting her back in any sense). I am moving on and really don't care she thinks I am feeling towards her, because I know how I feel and that's all that counts.

I knew I would get jumped on for writing that e-mail to her, and I can honestly see your points and appreciate them from a logical standpoint... But really, how many people wouldn't say something after finding out 4 years of your life was a farce. I kept it professional and know that a lot of people would have approached the situation with guns a blazing which I didn't.

And I am not asking for permission on should I do it again
Then what does the heading of your question mean: "Should I break NC one last time. "

(however I don't see how what I wrote to her could be interpreted as wanting her back in any sense)
True, but then you are not thinking like a female like she is. You are thinking like a male because ummmm that's what you are. But to a female, the mere fact that you contacted her indicates there is still some interest on your part.

I kept it professional
All she knows is that you contacted her again. *relieved sigh* Now she is desperate to explain herself further to you. Professionalism has nothing to do with anything. You are being so MALE and she is a FEMALE--two entirely different worlds. Books have even been written about it. John Gray made millions with his Men are from Mars-Women are from Venus idea.

I vote no more contact.

I know you are kind of playing devil's advocate here and I appreciate your input, however I would have to respectfully disagree with some of the things you are saying.

Yes. I often try to look at things from both sides. And I likewise disagree respectfully. I want to make clear that I do sympathize with your situation.


Yes I broke contact to e-mail her, but no there was no goading involved.
It is goading that you wrote at all after refusing all contact for so long and also goading that you brought up such a loaded topic.


Perhaps I should not have said something, that has crossed my mind...
Yes! That's what I'm saying.


I do believe I am entitled to say something, I gave my life to this person for 4 years and literally put everything I had into it...

Perhaps. But then you are talking about a conversation. And a conversation goes two ways. She is similarly "entitled" to respond.


I don't regret sending that e-mail and believe almost anyone would do the same when you have gone through something like this.

It's totally understandable that you would do that. But it was still not in your interest to contact her and you lowered yourself by contacting her in a way she could not respond to.


And if taking the low road is not calling her than I guess all the advice I have received here is wrong...

I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just saying that you can behave in a way that is above reproach (not for her sake but for how you'll view yourself; no nagging doubts). Or you can just look out for what's best for you in the short term. Which is NC. My first impulse was to say NC. Period. But then I started thinking about the fact that you had precipitated this situation and so I wrote something different.

She is obviously not someone you want to be in contact with.


And as for my friend, he wasn't sure about telling me at first but decided I deserved to know, and frankly I would be very disappointed in him if he didn't. How do you not tell one of your good friends that. Calling him a gossip and a troublemaker is ludicrous and not appreciated.

I apologize for the harsh words. But I do believe he hurt you by telling you. As far as I can tell, it has gained you nothing but heartache.

The email was a mistake, that can only be corrected with never contacting her again, for any reason.

She is a can of worms, never to be opened again, for any reason whatsoever!

I think the issue here is that you got to tell her what was on your mind but she doesn't get the luxury of being heard, as a woman I can tell you that it must be frustrating as hell. If you feel she deserves it then do not contact her again, let her go on with her lack of closure. If you do decide to contact her, just remember that you are putting some of the control you exercise right now, back in her hands. What you should do depends on what you're capable of managing.

Hey All thanks for the help.

I probably came off a little hostile at moments and I apologize, mainly to "asking".

Had trouble comprehending why I shouldn't get a word in after what I heard. But I took a step back and can see that you're right, contacting her was wrong and I should have just let the news fuel my resolve that I am better off. We're only human and emotions can really cloud our judgment... should have just slept on it until I calmed down. Live and learn though.

And Dragonfly you are absolutely right, not just for a woman but for anyone I can see it being hard to be accused of something and not have a chance to say your piece. I am sure I would have done the same thing as her.

And asking I find myself agreeing with you now about my friend. While he is a good buddy I really see your point about nothing being gained. I am sure he had good intentions but really it did nothing but upset me and cause this situation.

So again thanks, and sorry if I came of confrontational. Wasn't happy and didn't want to be told I did something wrong. Every now and then we need a kick back into reality.

I like responding to your questions, because even when your are speaking from emotion, you're still a rational, reasonable guy who genuinly wants objective advice. It's always a pleasure helping someone who wants to help himself. Don't beat yourself up over having had a reaction to what you've learned. Honestly, most of the time, you exercise more self control than I ever could! You're doing pretty darn good.

I disagree with the fact that your friend shouldn't have told you. Honestly, I think that is something that you deserve to know, and any good friend would tell you that. Reason being, that if you were ever to start thinking about giving this girl a chance, this is information that would be pertinent to the situation. You're friend did the right thing by telling you and sure it hurt a little bit, but it goes to show her true colors. Also, you know you can have a friend to count on. What kind of friend would keep information regarding your girlfriend screwing around on you quiet? Regardless of whether you were in the relationship? This was a dishonest act by her and if your friend was not to tell you, even if he just found out about it, he would be supporting her dishonesty by not letting you know. Be glad you have a friend that good.

Thanks for letting us exercise our "boots" today, come back anytime for that! HEHEHEHE!!

I disagree with the fact that your friend shouldn't have told you. Honestly, I think that is something that you deserve to know, and any good friend would tell you that. Reason being, that if you were ever to start thinking about giving this girl a chance, this is information that would be pertinent to the situation. You're friend did the right thing by telling you and sure it hurt a little bit, but it goes to show her true colors.

If NNG were thinking about resuming with her, I agree it would be appropriate.

But I think a friend has an obligation to think it through. I once learned that my father and god mother had been intimate. It was very upsetting to me and I was momentarily tempted to talk to my godmother's daughter, who was my best friend. But then I realized I didn't want her to feel the way I did. She's dead now and I'm still glad I never mentioned it. She didn't need to know. Depending on the situation, I think keeping a secret can be a kindness.

I think my ex husband was probably unfaithful to me. But I don't know any details. If someone came to me now with a list of his partners, and details, I would not want to hear it. That's behind me. And I would wonder what their motivation was.

Just my take.

I like responding to your questions, because even when your are speaking from emotion, you're still a rational, reasonable guy who genuinly wants objective advice. It's always a pleasure helping someone who wants to help himself. Don't beat yourself up over having had a reaction to what you've learned. Honestly, most of the time, you exercise more self control than I ever could! You're doing pretty darn good.

I agree with Dragnonfly and talaniman on this!

In my posts I'm trying to set a high bar.
Don't think I meet it myself.

Hey Guys,

So I am now approaching the 9th month of single life... Life is good, however there is a little nuisance that won't seem to go away; my ex.

During the christmas holidays she sent me several e-mails saying how she missed me and wanted to get together. I ignored them all and went to mexico for a week. I have sinced returned and just received another email from her today. She said she saw the pictures I had posted from mexico (must have seen them on a friends Facebook as I have blocked her) She complemented the way I looked and said she missed me again. Also wanted to know when I was going to move down south (where she is) and maybe see where things go between us. (how can she still say these things? )

Now I would never get back with her at this point... EVER. But these e-mails still bother me a bit. It more or less makes me angry that she thinks she can contact me and act like nothing ever happened, like she didn't devastate my world and furthermore hurt me by the way she acted after. Its like she thinks I am cool with it and would consider giving us another go.

Sometimes I feel like emailing her and telling her how it is, how she hurt me deeply back then, how I could never forgive her for the guys she got with afterwards, how we are not friends, how we never will be friends, how I don't want her to have any part in my life, and how I don't love her anymore... that its over, forever, and that I hope she is happy with her choice because there is absolutely no going back.

Before anybody says anything I have blocked her e-mails... However my outlook only sends it to the junkmail folder... which I check before I delete because important emails have ended up there before.. and when I see them I can't help but read them.

Should I just continue to ignore her, or just let her know what this break up was to me, basically saying what I said above...

You guys haven't steered me wrong before, so I will listen. I have an overwhelming sense that I should just stay NC, as I suppose not saying anything at all will eventually give her that message. If anything this just felt good to vent, as I don't bother my friends with this anymore.

100% NC. Don't say anything if you do not feel comfortable doing so.

She will get the hint.

And that's the thing, I don't want to provoke anymore contact... it would probably add fuel to her fire...

Let her wonder, keep NC.

Yes, it very well may provoke more. I would definitely not say anything. You yourself even said:


Now I would never get back with her at this point... EVER.

Why stir the pot any more by talking?

Enjoy your life as you have been, NC all the way and let her continue getting her information from outside sources

My ex is STILL bothering me, STILL contacting, STILL wanting me back after 7 months .

And guess what I'm doing wrong? I'm answering him EVERY time he emails me.. and it's not getting me anywhere

You don't owe her an explanation of any sort, continue the no contact and keep moving forward..

You know how I like to think of it? Starting contact with an ex is like picking at an old scab, all you have left is a bloody mess..

Stay strong and good luck my friend

Keep NC dude... sounds like you are doing great.
She will get the message... and hopefully will back off... I know her emailing you would probably piss you off since it shows she's got the nerve to wonder if you want to come back. You just have to show her your not stupid and your not coming back... NC will give her that message..
Good luck

I ignored them all and went to mexico for a week.
Now THAT'S what I'm talking about!

While I agree with what everyone else has said, I also think its okay for you to express how you feel to her.

It sounds to me that you're completely over her. You are not initiating contact because you want to get back together, but because you want her to stop bothering you. So I think it is your choice, whether you spell it out for her.

I disagree with you Kaitou because I think she is doing this in order to get a reaction out of him, be it positive or negative. Giving her what she wants provides opportunity for communication and by the same token, some sort of a relationship to be established, even if it is a relationship based on simply two exes expressing how they feel to each other. Regardless of whether they feel the same or differently, they are still communicating with each other.

I think the best solution is no relationship whatsoever, i.e. no contact.

Hey all,

Once again, thanks for the help... Well I contacted my ISP, I asked if they could block her emails on their server before they were sent to my outlook, they said no problem so I guess that takes care of that.

What a wild journey it has been... and I can confidently say I am almost there... And I really mean it when I say it was the most emotionally challenging thing I have ever faced.

I'll admit it was pretty tempting to just let her have it and let her know who inconsiderate and vindictive she has been through all this and how this is totally her loss. But I think silence will speak louder in this case, and frankly I don't even want her to know she had that effect on me.

I guess NC is NC, from beginning to forever... It really is the only way to go about a break up...

Good for you.

I can't help but feel that NC for some of you is like a battle with your ex. That is if you contact your ex at all, then you lose. Because you're showing your ex, that he/she is having an effect on you.

Because for me NC is different. NC is for me. NC is for when I know I can't handle communication with that person. NC is for when I'm still upset at the situation or still angry with the situation.

But once, I've gotten over the situation. That is I am no longer angry or upset. That is I can look at it an appreciate the lessons I learnt from it. I wouldn't mind telling my ex exactly how I feel. Because I always wanted him to know. Not because I want him to feel guilty, not because I want revenge, not because I want him back.

But because I just want to let him know. And frankly I don't care if he knows exactly how I felt over an email. Because I won't ever see him again anyway. He is not part of my life anymore.. so why would I care how he sees me.

Yeah sure he has an effect on me, but I'm not scared of admitting it or letting him know, because you know what.. the fact that he is contacting me, shows that I have an effect on him too.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, whether you lose the battle or not, depends on how you perceive the situation..

For me NC is a battle with myself, to test my strength, to test how well I know myself...

I guess I'm just the type of person that is not scared of laying it all out there. I have told my ex exactly how his actions were inconsiderate, but in a very diplomatic manner. I look back at them, and I don't regret anything I said, because I've simply stated the situation and the facts. And I got a feeling he wanted to know as well, because he kept contacting me. As if he needed closure as well..

I hope this made sense :S

Edit:.. oh but then of course, NC is also for not contacting that person, because he/she is just not worth your time.

Hey kaitou,

I definitely understand what you are saying.

Don't get me wrong though, my NC was definitely for me and still is... A part of me actually feels bad that I ignore her (how I can feel bad for her after all this beats me)

What you said about not caring what they think about you because you will never see them again makes a lot of sense to me. I suppose its just a personal victory for me, and if that makes me feel good than that's reason enough. And if you don't say anything there is no room for their rebuttal.

Closure would be nice but in time my want for that will fade, as will all my feelings for her... I just have to trust in that, and I think total NC is the fastest way to get there. I'll definitely be preaching that on this site and to all my friends that go through this in the future.

Hey Northern Nice Guy,

You are definitely someone I look up to in this situation in getting your "love locked down" (had to. Kanye reference. Catchy- song). And it seems like you're doing very well.

You know, you can only be unhappy so long in a relationship until you realize that your partner is never going to change. If you're putting more effort into the deal than they are, it's not worth it.

And it looks like she realized how good she had it. She lost.

But the thing that amazes me most is that you have stuck by your guns with this one, and not gone back because you remember how it was and how it would never change. I wish, that if someday my ex contacted me (which she probably will, she's done it 3 times before), I would have the wisdom to say... not worth it. And keep it locked down.

Any tips?

P.s. If you're ever in Ohio, hit me up on here. We can swap stories, drink beers, and chase skirts.

No contact... she should give up after a few tries.

She'll realize that you're over it.

no contact...she should give up after a few tries.

she'll realize that you're over it.


Oops... missed the second page.

That is great that they were able to block her emails. You won't have to do anything :)

Hey yoso,

Well I can't say my NC was all that great in the early days.. But eventually the games and bull$hit get to you and you realize that responding to them gets you no where but feeling bad.

If anything just take what everyone else here has said as gold, because its all from experience. NC is the only way to go, so do your best to stick to it.

And funny you say that about Ohio, I will actually be there in march to visit some friends. Sounds like a plan to me.

You done good!