My ex husband and I have been divorced almost 4 years now and he hired an attorney to handle our divorce since I couldn't afford one. We had three children in this marriage and we both agreed to joint physical and 50-50 shared custody of the children. We both have worked together for the last few years and both been satisfied with the situation. He recently got remarried and now the kids have a new stepmom. In the meanwhile, I had to move in with my mother because my income is so low. I then met my boyfriend and him and I recently got a small duplex. I am now unhappy with the situatuon because I can't really afford to keep a roof over my kids head. I only can do it because of my boyfriend. I still am asked from my ex to pay half of everything... school, camp, sports and so on. I pay it and then I struggle bad to make my car payment and rent. I am entertaining the idea of modifying our no support order to some support. The kids new stepmom told me I can't call after 9 to talk to my kids. I feel she is trying to replace me and I can't even afford anything for my kids. If my boyfriend left, I would lose my house and car. The kids are with me Tuesday and Wednesday nights and when its my weekend, I have them Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday night. Do I have a chance to get some support?

Welcome to AMHD. To answer your question, probably not. In a way, you did major harm to yourself when you didn't take the initiative and hire your own lawyer. It's not just 'cheaper' using your husband's lawyer; it was his job to screw you, and you let it happen. Get away from the car payment situation as fast as possible; and, get to a trade school and update your job capabilities to enhance your income. Do not look to your exhusband for financial security; do it yourself.

Welcome to AMHD. To answer your question, probably not. In a way, you did major harm to yourself when you didn't take the initiative and hire your own lawyer. It's not just 'cheaper' using your husband's lawyer; it was his job to screw you, and you let it happen. Get away from the car payment situation as fast as possible; and, get to a trade school and update your job capabilities to enhance your income. Do not look to your exhusband for financial security; do it yourself.

I am not looking for financial security. I am looking for a small amount of support.

Ordinarily, you must show a 'change in circumstances' in order to be successful with a modification of child support. I'm not certain you can carry the burden of proof with the circumstances you have shared thus far, but you can always try. One thing I have learned several times is that children don't get cheaper as they get older. Your financial independence is crucial to your feelings of happiness and contentment, so keep your eyes open for better opportunities.

Ordinarily, you must show a 'change in circumstances' in order to be successful with a modification of child support. I'm not certain you can carry the burden of proof with the circumstances you have shared thus far, but you can always try. One thing I have learned several times is that children don't get cheaper as they get older. Your financial independence is crucial to your feelings of happiness and contentment, so keep your eyes open for better opportunities.

What kind of change in circumstance? You are right.. I screwed myself and now I want to unscrew myself before anymore time goes by. He got remarried and she is raising my kids while he works and I work. Isn't that a "change in circumstance"?

"Change in circumstances" ordinarily means change in economic circumstances as a result of change in job, health, etc. What state are you in? Also, what does your custody agreement say about modification of child support, if anything?

You need to consult with an attorney. A change in circumstances would be a big increase in your ex's income or a big decrease in yours. Or a change in the custody arrangement.

I don't see any of those. As noted, you screwed yourself by going into the divorce without your own representation. The only way you will get out of the pickle you got yourself into is by consulting with your own attorney.

"Change in circumstances" ordinarily means change in economic circumstances as a result of change in job, health, etc. What state are you in? Also, what does your custody agreement say about modification of child support, if anything?

I don't believe it says anything. I did read online somewhere that a spouse remarrying is a change of circumstance. I have an attorney I am seeing Thursday who seems to think I can get it done. I have to pay 800.00. Also, my ex just told me he got a promotion and a pay raise


You need to consult with an attorney. A change in circumstances would be a big increase in your ex's income or a big decrease in yours. Or a change in the custody arrangement.

I don't see any of those. As noted, you screwed yourself by goign into the divorce without your own representation. The only way you will get out of the pickle you got yourself into is by consulting with your own attorney.

I am seeing an attorney Thursday. I have to pay a large amount of money to him. Hopefully that will get it done!


"Change in circumstances" ordinarily means change in economic circumstances as a result of change in job, health, etc. What state are you in? Also, what does your custody agreement say about modification of child support, if anything?


I am in Iowa

Yes a remarriage is a change in circumstances, but not necessarily in your favor.

But talk to the attorney, they will know better whether you can get it done.

I also have 50/50 with my two daughters... does he pay you any support right now? If you put your monthly salaries together, what % does your ex make up? My situation is that I make roughly 66% of our combined income. I pay $450 per month in child support.

Hope this helps...

I also have 50/50 with my two daughters...does he pay you any support right now? If you put your monthly salaries together, what % does your ex make up? My situation is that I make roughly 66% of our combined income. I pay $450 per month in child support.

Hope this helps...

He does not pay me any support. He paid me 400.00 a month out of court when we first split and then he hired an attorney got our divorce done and there was a no support put in order and a 50-50 joint. I make about 1200.00 a month and he makes proabably close to 3,000 a month. I am just worried that since I didn't do it from the start that I am screwed. But I am willing to pay the lawyer whatever it takes to get it done, which is why I am thinking a have a fighting chance??

He does not pay me any support. He paid me 400.00 a month out of court when we first split and then he hired an attorney got our divorce done and there was a no support put in order and a 50-50 joint. I make about 1200.00 a month and he makes proabably close to 3,000 a month. I am just worried that since I didnt do it from the start that I am screwed. But I am willing to pay the lawyer whatever it takes to get it done, which is why I am thinking a have a fighting chance?!?!

I'm in Florida so it may be different in Iowa. I would venture to say that you will probably get child support if you fight it. As I understand it in Florida, you can revise the support amount as income levels change until the children are 18. What you have stated above is a very sizable difference in your income levels. He makes over 70% of your combined income. I am extremely surprised that a judge would have let him off the hook... even if you all agreed that he wouldn't pay support. In Florida, a financial child support worksheet has to accompany the divorce decree and the judge has to sign off. Again, I would be very surprised if you don't get some help.

I'm in Florida so it may be different in Iowa. I would venture to say that you will probably get child support if you fight it. As I understand it in Florida, you can revise the support amount as income levels change until the children are 18. What you have stated above is a very sizable difference in your income levels. He makes over 70% of your combined income. I am extremely surprised that a judge would have let him off the hook...even if you all agreed that he wouldn't pay support. In Florida, a financial child support worksheet has to accompany the divorce decree and the judge has to sign off. Again, I would be very surprised if you don't get some help.

Well I proabably screwed myself trying to be the "nice" ex wife. I didn't want to be the nightmare ex wife and take his money if he was going to provide for the kids. I wanted to be different and trying to be different got me screwed. He says he is going to fight me and I am just jealous because he makes more money and has a good life and can provide for his children and I cant. That is not the case at all. I have a decent life. I just want more time with my kids instead of their stepmom raising them because I have to bust me butt at work. If I can get some support, I can be with them more and pay for more and do more things for them instead of new stepmom getting that luxury. You know?

Well I proabably screwed myself trying to be the "nice" ex wife. I didnt want to be the nightmare ex wife and take his money if he was going to provide for the kids. I wanted to be different and trying to be different got me screwed. He says he is going to fight me and I am just jealous because he makes more money and has a good life and can provide for his children and I cant. That is not the case at all. I have a decent life. I just want more time with my kids instead of their stepmom raising them because I have to bust me butt at work. If i can get some support, I can be with them more and pay for more and do more things for them instead of new stepmom getting that luxury. ya know?

You have them 50% of the time right now? Does the $3000 he makes include money his wife makes? You can only use his income. As long as they spend 50% of the nights with you (182 over nights), and the $3000 is his income alone, you should win. I don't really even think you need an attorney, but I'd be safe and get one not knowing all of the details of the divorce decree. That is your call. It seems pretty cut and dry to me. If I was in your situation, I would go to the courthouse and fill out the necessary paperwork. He would have to submit his paycheck stub for earnings and you would do the same. Fill out the applicable worksheet... very easy to do. It will show what amount he contributes and what amount you contribute. Subtract your contribution from his and that is the amount he has to pay you monthly. This is how its done in sunny Florida.

You have them 50% of the time right now? Does the $3000 he makes include money his wife makes? You can only use his income. As long as they spend 50% of the nights with you (182 over nights), and the $3000 is his income alone, you should win. I don't really even think you need an attorney, but I'd be safe and get one not knowing all of the details of the divorce decree. That is your call. It seems pretty cut and dry to me. If I was in your situation, I would go to the courthouse and fill out the necessary paperwork. He would have to submit his paycheck stub for earnings and you would do the same. Fill out the applicable worksheet....very easy to do. It will show what amount he contributes and what amount you contribute. Subtract your contribution from his and that is the amount he has to pay you monthly. This is how its done in sunny Florida.

The 3,000 is just his income alone. Not hers. Wow, now you have me thinking maybe I should try it without a lawyer! It would save me so much money. But he will fight it. He will hire an attorney, so maybe I should just proceed with the plan to get my own attorney. Hmmmm??

If he has a lawyer you will want one too. His lawyer will show that because of the 50/50 physical custody he shouldn't have to pay. However, even if you do win from what you have been posting I really don't see you being that much happier because if you do what you say and will be home more rather than working you won't actually make any more money and the judge will look down on that. Or at least the judges in my area would. You might want to try talking to him even if its after court becaue even though you say you aren't jealous of his new wife you have mentioned it more thatn once and it really seems like you are and that won't score you any points.

If he has a lawyer you will want one too. His lawyer will show that because of the 50/50 physical custody he shouldn't have to pay. However, even if you do win from what you have been posting I really don't see you being that much happier because if you do what you say and will be home more rather than working you won't actually make any more money and the judge will look down on that. Or at least the judges in my area would. You might want to try talking to him even if its after court becaue even though you say you aren't jealous of his new wife you have mentioned it more thatn once and it really seems like you are and that won't score you any points.

I must correct you as you have misunderstood. I am jealous that his new wife gets more time with my kids than I do. Anyone would be jealous of that. That is not a personal problem. That's anyone. I am not jealous of her personally whatsoever. I have a new wonderful fiancé and baby and I love my life. Except I a have an empty spot in my heart and I want my girls more with me. I can show you how I can be happier. I can cut down to part time with his support and spend more time with my growing girls who need their mommy instead of their stepmom always being there for them.

You have them 50% of the time right now? Does the $3000 he makes include money his wife makes? You can only use his income. As long as they spend 50% of the nights with you (182 over nights), and the $3000 is his income alone, you should win. I don't really even think you need an attorney, but I'd be safe and get one not knowing all of the details of the divorce decree. That is your call. It seems pretty cut and dry to me. If I was in your situation, I would go to the courthouse and fill out the necessary paperwork. He would have to submit his paycheck stub for earnings and you would do the same. Fill out the applicable worksheet....very easy to do. It will show what amount he contributes and what amount you contribute. Subtract your contribution from his and that is the amount he has to pay you monthly. This is how its done in sunny Florida.


I don't know what your legal experience is but this is not accurate legal advice. OP doesn't even know if she has grounds to file for a modification and it's far from cut and dry.


I must correct you as you have misunderstood. I am jealous that his new wife gets more time with my kids than i do. Anyone would be jealous of that. That is not a personal problem. Thats anyone. I am not jealous of her personally whatsoever. I have a new wonderful fiance and baby and I love my life. Except I a have an empty spot in my heart and I want my girls more with me. I can show you how i can be happier. I can cut down to part time with his support and spend more time with my growing girls who need their mommy instead of their stepmom always being there for them.



Sorry but I get testy when people posting get testy with people who have and do give good, sound legal advice and tell it like they see it.

This is the agreement you've had for some time; you didn't have an "empty spot in your heart" until your ex remarried; you didn't need to spend more time with your growing girls - until your ex remarried; now you can't afford to live on your own, have a new baby with the boyfriend and suddenly need support in order to survive - by your own admission.

It sounds shallow and jealous.

I don't see changed circumstances here - other than your ex remarried (which he is entitled to do) and you had another child (which you are allowed to do).

Hopefully your Attorney sees qualifying changed circumstances.

Check this, if you haven't already: Child Support (http://www.judicial.state.ia.us/Self_Help/Family_Law/Child_Support/)

Sorry but I get testy when people posting get testy with people who have and do give good, sound legal advice and tell it like they see it.

This is the agreement you've had for some time; you didn't have an "empty spot in your heart" until your ex remarried; you didn't need to spend more time with your growing girls - until your ex remarried; now you can't afford to live on your own, have a new baby with the boyfriend and suddenly need support in order to survive - by your own admission.

It sounds shallow and jealous.

I don't see changed circumstances here - other than your ex remarried (which he is entitled to do) and you had another child (which you are allowed to do).

Hopefully your Attorney sees qualifying changed circumstances.

Maybe you should know the whole story before you say things like that. Maybe I didn't realize there was a problem until their stepmom told me a few weeks back the hours I can call my kids when they are at their house. Maybe I am not happy that she left my 5 year old home alone to go get the other kids from school. Maybe you should think and ask questions before you run your mouth. Maybe I can call my kids at 8 at night on a summer night to tell them I miss them without her interferring. And when someone tells me I can't call my kids, that is not jealousy... thats rage! Maybe there are so many other things that are leading me to check into this that you don't even know about!

Maybe you should know the whole story before you say things like that. Maybe I didnt realize there was a problem until their stepmom told me a few weeks back the hours i can call my kids when they are at their house. Maybe I am not happy that she left my 5 year old home alone to go get the other kids from school. Maybe you should think and ask questions before you run your mouth. Maybe i can call my kids at 8 at night on a summer night to tell them I miss them without her interferring. And when someone tells me i can't call my kids, that is not jealousy...thats rage! Maybe there are so many other things that are leading me to check into this that you dont even know about!!


Maybe I only know what you posted and that's what I - and everyone else - are going on. Maybe we don't read minds.

And I don't want you calling your kids at my house after 9PM either.


Oh my goodness. Why are people always looking for trouble? You should go get testy with the girl who left me that absurd message. I am not looking for any money to SURVIVE. Where did you read that? We are doing just fine on our own and will continue to do so. How can you sit there and tell me that i didnt long for my girls until he remarried. That is absolutely insane to insinuate such thing. I am a damn good mother and friend and I am simply looking for advice to see if what chance I have to get the child support for my three children that I deserve. he screwed me because I was nice and just because it has taken me awhile to realize it, does not make me a bad person. Shame on you for saying what you said.


Maybe I thought you needed money to survive because you posted: " I am now unhappy with the situation because I can't really afford to keep a roof over my kids head. I only can do it because of my boyfriend."

No shame on anyone - shame on you for not getting an Attorney in the first place.

So I repeat my question - why did it take you so long to decide you need/miss/want your girls with you more than you have them?

Check this, if you haven't already: Child Support (http://www.judicial.state.ia.us/Self_Help/Family_Law/Child_Support/)


Thank you George! :)

Maybe you can't read because I said 8 not 9. so maybe thats why you are so misunderstood because YOU can't READ!!!


"The kids new stepmom told me I can't call after 9 to talk to my kids"

This IS in your original post.

I totall sympathise with you, although I do agree with others, I still understand how you are hurting-However, you are wrong to make such a harsh statement because you clearly said that you could not call after 9. you said 9 NOT 8.

No one ever said sit back and do nothing, plenty have said what you can do. As Judy pointed out, you did say you were struggling you even said that if your boyfriend left you wouldn't have a roof over your head!! No one is putting those words in your mouth you posted that. I stand by my original post and have to say if you go into court with this kind of attitude a judge is not likely going to look at you like you are a "damn good mother". If the kids are with their dad half the week the roof is provided by him, their beds there are provided by him their food and clothing should also be provided by him. He can legally tell you not to call at any time becaue it's his house his rules maybe he's trying to get the kids to be then. I really wonder if you really have a lawyer because if you did you wouldn't be so concerned about getting free advice here.

"The kids new stepmom told me I can't call after 9 to talk to my kids"

This IS in your original post.

I totall sympathise with you, althought I do agree with others, I still understand how you are hurting-However, you are wrong to make such a harsh statement because you clearly said that you could not call after 9. you said 9 NOT 8.
Modification of Support Orders



The court may subsequently modify a child support order if there is a substantial change of circumstances. When determining whether a substantial change of circumstances has occurred, the court shall consider such factors as the following:

Changes in the employment, income or resources of a party
Receipt of an inheritance, pension or other gift
Changes in the medical expenses of a party
Changes in the number or needs of dependents of a party
Changes in the physical, mental, or emotional health of a party
Changes in the residence of a party
Remarriage of a party
Possible support of the party by another person
Changes in the physical, mental, or educational needs of a child
Contempt by a party of existing orders


Lets see... his income has gone up... a lot since the divorce
He has inherited a great deal since the divorce
He got remarried

There are 3 reasons right there!

{ranting edited out}

Modification of Support Orders There are 3 reasons right there! So i guess you disagree with the court system as well.



OP is becoming unnecessarily insulting - have no idea why she posted the question when she apparently already knows the answer. Personal insults are never necessary or appropriate.

Removing responses didn't calm things down and this thread should be closed - in my opinion.

No one ever said sit back and do nothing, plenty have said what you can do. As Judy pointed out, you did say you were struggling you even said that if your boyfriend left you wouldn't have a roof over your head!!! No one is putting those words in your mouth you posted that. I stand by my original post and have to say if you go into court with this kind of attitude a judge is not likely going to look at you like you are a "damn good mother". If the kids are with their dad half the week the roof is provided by him, their beds there are provided by him their food and clothing should also be provided by him. He can legally tell you not to call at any time becaue it's his house his rules maybe he's trying to get the kids to be then. I really wonder if you really have a lawyer because if you did you wouldn't be so concerned about getting free advice here.

I am seeing my lawyer Thursday. I am just looking for questions and making sure I have all my questions with me when I go.

{Ranting edited out}

If we are so unimportant then why do you keep getting on? None of us are going anywhere there have been enough people that honestly needed help and took their sound legal advice and made themselves better lives with it. All you seem to want to do is have someone say you shouldn't have to work just live off your boyfriend and child support.

OP is becoming unnecessarily insulting - have no idea why she posted the question when she apparently already knows the answer. Personally insults are never necessary or appropriate.

Removing responses didn't calm things down and this threads should be closed - in my opinion.

Because my nice friend George sent me that just now.

If we are so unimportant then why do you keep gettin on? None of us are going anywhere there have been enough people that honestly needed help and took their sound legal advice and made themselves better lives with it. All you seem to want to do is have someone say you shouldn't have to work just live off of your boyfriend and child support.

In fact I have to keep working, because my lawyer is going after a joint support order which means I have to pay him too!! I can't just stop working.

{Ranting edited out}

Like I said, if you don't like your answers then stop reading them. Go see what your lawyer says and if all you have to pay him is 800 bucks you're getting quite the deal.

Like I said, if you don't like your answers then stop reading them. Go see what your lawyer says and if all you have to pay him is 800 bucks you're getting quite the deal.

Why quite the deal? I am not trying to modify custody which is expensive... just child support which is generally around 800.00 to do so if you want a lawyer.

OK, lets calm down here.

Amanda,
We have rules on this site about being civil in your postings. That's why several of your posts have been removed or edited. If you continue ranting and attacking people trying to help you this thread will be closed.

I'm a little confused about something. In a situation where there is evenly shared custody there is generally no support with each parent paying for the kids while they are in their custody. If anything, the higher earner will contribute towards the lower earner.

In some of your removed posts you claim you that you are paying your ex and that doesn't make sense.

But the bottomline here is you nowhave an attorney, who knows the law and will be able to help get you a more equitable arrangement.

OK, lets calm down here.

Amanda,
We have rules on this site about being civil in your postings. That's why several of your posts have been removed or edited. If you continue ranting and attacking people trying to help you this thread will be closed.

I'm a little confused about something. In a situation where there is evenly shared custody there is generally no support with each parent paying for the kids while they are in their custody. If anything, the higher earner will contribute towards the lower earner.

In some of your removed posts you claim you that you are paying your ex and that doesn't make sense.

But the bottomline here is you nowhave an attorney, who knows the law and will be able to help get you a more equitable arrangement.

That's right Scott. With joint, my lawyer is going after joint support as well, which is I pay him a third of my income and he pays me a third of his income... which equals out since his income is so much more than mine... that he will just be paying me...

You didn't quite answer my question. Are you paying him anything now? Is he paying you anything now?

I understand what your attorney is going for. Basically you will get the difference between 1/3 your income and 1/3 his. That seems reasonable. But I'm still not clear on what the current situation is. Since, you seem to be sharing custody equally, then you should each be paying for when the children are in your custody.

Maybe someone could help me understand this a bit better...
How is it fair that the father should have to pay for everything when the children are in his care, and also have to help support them when they are with their mother, if they share custody 50/50? I bet the father would also like to drop down to part-time work and spend additional time with his children, just like the mother is requesting... I don't understand how this is fair?
Also, not trying to be rude, but if the mother cannot afford her children when she does have them, why did she have another child with the boyfriend? Please let me know if I am missing something here...

Maybe someone could help me understand this a bit better...
How is it fair that the father should have to pay for everything when the children are in his care, and also have to help support them when they are with their mother, if they share custody 50/50? I bet the father would also like to drop down to part-time work and spend additional time with his children, just like the mother is requesting.... I don't understand how this is fair?
Also, not trying to be rude, but if the mother cannot afford her children when she does have them, why did she have another child with the boyfriend? Please let me know if I am missing something here...

Ok I will help you understand. The father does not have to pay for EVERYTHING when the children are in his care. Do you understand that now? Ok good. He gave me three of his kids and then left me. I never worked when him and I were together. I took care of the children... I still do provide for my children. All he does is work and leave them with Stepmom... while I work too. Plus he asks me for money all the time and his income is so much higher than mine. Is that fair?

In my opinion, and this is just my opinion, I'm sure others would disagree with me, but... his income should not have anything to do with it. It took BOTH of you to make those babies and it should be BOTH of your responsibilities to support them AND love them equally. If joint custody was agreed upon, then he should financially support them when they are with him and you should support them when they are with you. When it comes to items such as clothes, shoes, school supplies, etc. those items should be split and if he is the one doing the shopping, then yes, you should give him money or vice versa. In regards to the step-mom raising the children when he is at work, isn't his responsibility to provide a caring environment for them when the little ones are in his care and your responsibility to provide the care when they are with you and you are at work. Do you offer to let him "baby-sit" for you when you are working or vice versa? If so, maybe that is something the two of you could work out.

Plus he asks me for money all the time and his income is so much higher than mine. Is that fair?

This is the part I don't understand. At the very least, if you each have the children half the time, then you should each pay for the children only when they are in each's care. You should not be giving him money and vice versa.

If you do give him money I don't see why, unless its ordered by a court and if it is ordered by a court them you got the short end of the stick. So you are right to go back to the court for a modification.

In my opinion, and this is just my opinion, I'm sure others would disagree with me, but.... his income should not have anything to do with it. It took BOTH of you to make those babies and it should be BOTH of your responsibilities to support them AND love them equally. If joint custody was agreed upon, then he should financially support them when they are with him and you should support them when they are with you. When it comes to items such as clothes, shoes, school supplies, etc. those items should be split and if he is the one doing the shopping, then yes, you should give him money or vice versa. In regards to the step-mom raising the children when he is at work, isn't his responsibility to provide a caring environment for them when the little ones are in his care and your responsibility to provide the care when they are with you and you are at work. Do you offer to let him "baby-sit" for you when you are working or vice versa? If so, maybe that is something the two of you could work out.

We both support them and love them. Its just not equally. Children are not cheap and he makes enough money to provide for them without me. So then why does he ask me for money for this and that for things they do in his care... and then try to make me feel like a piece of crap Mom if I don't run him out a check??

In my opinion, and this is just my opinion, I'm sure others would disagree with me, but.... his income should not have anything to do with it.

I'm going to disagree with you. A woman marries a man with the idea that he will support the family ans she will provide a home. I know this is a stereotype and there are other ways this can go, but this is often the case. So if the marriage breaks up, very often the wife and mother is forced to get a job without a lot of training and experience. In such a case, it is certainly fair for the father to contribute more towards the children's care.

But if we just look at the OP's specific situation, what seems to have happened here, is the father said, look, I'll pay for an attorney who will handle everything. That attorney represented his interest not the mother's and the mother wound up on the short end of the stick.

In this case, BOTH their incomes should be considered. They should each contribute the same PERCENTAGE of income towards the childrenb's care. That is the equitable arrangement. If there incomes are equal then it's a wash. But if one earns more than the other, then they should contribute more and their share should be offset by what the other pays.

"We both support them and love them. Its just not equally. Children are not cheap and he makes enough money to provide for them without me. So then why does he ask me for money for this and that for things they do in his care...and then try to make me feel like a peice of crap Mom if I dont run him out a check???"

I am not doubting that you love your children, and trust me, I realize just how expensive they can be as I am a single mother of 2. No money should change hands except for items which are necessities such as clothes, shoes, school supplies, etc. You shouldn't be giving him money for any extra-curricular activities, and if you are, STOP! Let him know that you cannot afford the extras, and if he can, then more power to him.

This is the part I don't understand. At the very least, if you each have the children half the time, then you should each pay for the children only when they are in each's care. You should not be giving him money and vice versa.

If you do give him money I don't see why, unless its ordered by a court and if it is ordered by a court them you got the short end of the stick. So you are right to go back to the court for a modification.


Well he does not give me money EVER. But I have lots of checks I have wrote him that I am taking to court with me.

[QUOTE=ScottGem]I'm going to disagree with you. A woman marries a man with the idea that he will support the family ans she will provide a home. I know this is a stereotype and there are other ways this can go, but this is often the case. So if the marriage breaks up, very often the wife and mother is forced to get a job without a lot of training and experience. In such a case, it is certainly fair for the father to contribute more towards the children's care.

Sorry Scott, but I think you just may have offended a ton of the ladies on this site.
1. Get in the 21st Century. I know our salaries are still not equal to that of men's, but what twenty or thirtysomething year-old woman do YOU know who recently got married with the intention of being "taken care of."... sounds nice and wonderful, but this isn't the 50's anymore and really doesn't happen.
2. If what you said IS the case, why didn't she get alimony in the divorce?
3. Why is she bringing this up now, because he is remarried?
4. Why wasn't she willing to spend $800 on an attorney before?
5. If money is that tight, why in the heck did she have another baby? That was pretty irresponsible in the first place, and what kind of message is she sending the children by getting pregnant out of wedlock?

Ok I will help you understand. The father does not have to pay for EVERYTHING when the children are in his care. Do you understand that now? Ok good. He gave me three of his kids and then left me. I never worked when him and i were together. I took care of the children...I still do provide for my children. All he does is work and leave them with Stepmom...while I work too. Plus he asks me for money all the time and his income is so much higher than mine. Is that fair?


Once again - argumentative. Can't explain herself with the "do you understand that now?" sarcasm.

Also somewhere along the way the needing to spend time with the children has gone away and the post is all about support -

Speaking for myself only - I never thought the support was fair. It was the visitation/custody that I had problems with, particularly because custody became an issue after 4 years, after the stepmother appeared on the scene.

"We both support them and love them. Its just not equally. Children are not cheap and he makes enough money to provide for them without me. So then why does he ask me for money for this and that for things they do in his care...and then try to make me feel like a peice of crap Mom if I dont run him out a check???"

Don't let him make you feel like a piece of crap mom. I still firmly believe that necessities should be split equally. The extra things he wants to do like soccer (just a random extra thing I though of) he should pay for. When they are in his care the expenses are his problem don't give him any money! When they are in your care the expense is on you. While I don't think you should give him anymoney (unless he does the cloths/school shopping) I still find it hard to want him to have to pay for you to want to cut back to part time rather than you finding a better job so you will be more stable. There is also another baby on your plate that adds to your expenses that he didn't father which was also a decision that you made. While I'm not saying you aren't allowed to have as many children as you want I do think the responsible thing is to only have as many as you can afford. I have kids too no one will argue that they are expensive but as was pointed out before it dosen't seem like you had any of these problems before he got remarried.

I'm going to disagree with you. A woman marries a man with the idea that he will support the family ans she will provide a home. I know this is a stereotype and there are other ways this can go, but this is often the case. So if the marriage breaks up, very often the wife and mother is forced to get a job without a lot of training and experience. In such a case, it is certainly fair for the father to contribute more towards the children's care.

But if we just look at the OP's specific situation, what seems to have happened here, is the father said, look, I'll pay for an attorney who will handle everything. That attorney represented his interest not the mother's and the mother wound up on the short end of the stick.

In this case, BOTH their incomes should be considered. they should each contribute the same PERCENTAGE of income towards the childrenb's care. That is the equitable arrangement. If there incomes are equal then its a wash. But if one earns more than the other, then they should contribute more and their share should be offset by what the other pays.


As far as BOTH incomes being considered - here's my problem with that. The OP has already said she would reduce her work hours in order to spend time with her children. That obviously and automatically reduces her income.

I don't know how the Court would make the situation equitable - women have posted that their "ex's" work off the books, work part-time, do whatever it takes to reduce the child support obligation. Women also do the same thing.

As I said - I don't know how the Court would order and supervise either party working to his/her full potential but it seems this is a flaw in the legal system.

If the OP and her "ex" had not had this agreement 4 years ago at the time of the divorce, I have no doubts the support issue would be very different. She says she didn't work, she was the children's caretaker, very different circumstances than today. Now she - and any other woman in this position - might/could/would simply cut down on her hours or quit altogether (she has a baby) so I don't know how you would do equitable percentages.

Maybe he has changed circumstances here - and I don't know if Iowa recognizes the income of the new stepmother - in that he has received salary increases. His inheritances shouldn't matter because it's all about income, at least in NYS. But the OP has gone from living with her mother to having her own place and a supportive boyfriend and a baby so I don't know it's not a wash. Add the income of the stepmother; add the income of the boyfriend - ?

If calm heads can prevail I'll be interested to see how this plays out.

I also don't know a single Attorney who will review a case, let alone take on the fight, for $800 so maybe this is a small town - ?



But if we just look at the OP's specific situation, what seems to have happened here, is the father said, look, I'll pay for an attorney who will handle everything. That attorney represented his interest not the mother's and the mother wound up on the short end of the stick.



I'm rather surprised that Iowa allowed one Attorney to represent both people - in NYS, at least recently, the Courts give you a rough time, insist that you consult with independent counsel and someone tells you your legal rights. Then you can decide how to proceed and often if you choose to go with one Attorney the Order as written as cannot be appealed, amended, for a certain time.

As far as BOTH incomes being considered - here's my problem with that. The OP has already said she would reduce her work hours in order to spend time with her children. That obviously and automatically reduces her income.

I don't know how the Court would make the situation equitable - women have posted that their "ex's" work off the books, work part-time, do whatever it takes to reduce the child support obligation. Women also do the same thing.

As I said - I don't know how the Court would order and supervise either party working to his/her full potential but it seems this is a flaw in the legal system.

If the OP and her "ex" had not had this agreement 4 years ago at the time of the divorce, I have no doubts the support issue would be very different. She says she didn't work, she was the children's caretaker, very different circumstances than today. Now she - and any other woman in this position - might/could/would simply cut down on her hours or quit altogether (she has a baby) so I don't know how you would do equitable percentages.

Maybe he has changed circumstances here - and I don't know if Iowa recognizes the income of the new stepmother - in that he has received salary increases. His inheritances shouldn't matter because it's all about income, at least in NYS. But the OP has gone from living with her mother to having her own place and a supportive boyfriend and a baby so I don't know it's not a wash. Add in the income of the stepmother; add in the income of the boyfriend - ?

If calm heads can prevail I'll be interested to see how this plays out.

I also don't know a single Attorney who will review a case, let alone take on the fight, for $800 so maybe this is a small town - ?

One common remedy if someone wants to reduce their work capacity or eliminate it altogether is for the courts ( a judge ) to impune and amount on the person subject to the change. Example if someone was making 40k per year and now only wants to work 1/2 time aka 20k per year then the other 20k can be impuned upon them. If the courts remand one party to work full time inorder to provide for support then they also must impune the other side as well. That way the obligation and best interests of the child aren't interfered with and should the parent choose then they will have to modify their lifestyle to their new wage plan.

There has been some issues with the same person using multiple ID posting on this post, plus the OP is really not working on advise and wanting more to hear what they want to hear, not some real truths.

POST closed

Sorry Scott, but I think you just may have offended a ton of the ladies on this site.


No I don't think I did. As I said, I understand it's a stereotype and not as valid as it once was, but I think many woman want to be mothers and homemakers, just as many women want jobs outside the home.