Well I am engaged to the most wonderful man we had a wedding date set all was a go Until yes the soon to be mother in law. We have always gotten along I have asked her advice on a lot of things for the wedding but I am very strick about no children at MY wedding. My fiancé and I have a son that will be two when we get married and again I want NO children at MY wedding. But here is my problem she told us that she will be glad to babysit him for the wedding ( we already have sitters for people who do bring their children ) my fiancé said he's not getting married without his mom there ( understandable ) well I can't get married without a groom and he won't come if his mothers not coming and she won't come if my son is not coming and he is NOT coming.
I just don't feel a wedding is a place for children there will be drinks and a swimming pool at my reception and Im not watching my son on my big day. And I don't trust people that have been drinking all night to watch him either.
I have tried to compromise with he can not be in the wedding but when its picture time he can be in the pictures. I don't what children in my wedding video talking laughing crying running etc.
How do I get people to understand this is MY wedding??

Simple, just don't get married, it is obvoius your soon ex will be listening to his mothers wishes over yours, unless he would like your child to be part of his special day also.

But for the record, I never attend weddings where children are not allowed myself, unless I am the minister.

Damn talk to your man again and just lay it all out on the table and hopefully he will see things your way or talk to his mother one of them have to know where your coming from and hopefully one or both of them will change their mind

Hire an outside babysitter who has no desire to attend your wedding to babysit your son...

I agree that your child should not be looked after by people drinking all day. It is also your husband to be's wedding so I think you should talk this through with him as the wedding is for the both of you? I feel that if you already have a son then he should be at the wedding as he is also a big part of your life and he may feel upset when he grows up that he was not there although he may have been to young to fully understand this at the time. If you already have sitters organised could your son not be looked after by one of these.

Simple, just don't get married, it is obvoius your soon ex will be listening to his mothers wishes over yours, unless he would like your child to be part of his special day also.

But for the record, I never attend weddings where children are not allowed myself, unless I am the minister.



My fiancé WOULD like our son to be there but he is OK with our outside sitter watching him

Hire an outside babysitter who has no desire to attend your wedding to babysit your son...



We have one already certified in child care and everything

The problem is my mother in law will not come if my son is not there.
My fiancé will not come if his mother is not there
And I do not think a wedding is a place for children... how do we compromise??

my fiance WOULD like our son to be there but he is ok with our outside sitter watching him

He may want his child at his wedding more than you know or more than he is saying, if he did not really care or was OK with a sitter he would not be supporting his moms point of view and merely tell mom, sorry if you don't come you will miss a nice wedding, To me, it sounds like he is supporting mom to try and get what he wants also.

I think the compromise would need to be that your son will need to attend the wedding for at least some time as this is the argument. You and your husband to be should agree on a reasonable amount of time that your son should attend the wedding.

This is only a suggestion. Allow your child to be at the wedding and when it is over have the babysitter pick him up. This way your mother in law will attend and your soon to be husband will be happy. Your child should be there. I understand that you don't want your child around drinking, but that doesn't mean he can't be at the wedding itself. Just get him out of there before the drinking begins.

I suggested that he be a part of the pictures but not be there during the ceremony

Have your son there for the ceremony and pictures then have a sitter take him home

I suggested that he be there for the photos but not be there for the ceremony

I went to three weddings in the past yr and every one of them had a child ruin the wedding one of them the ring bearer threw the pillow the second one the flower girl ran down the alter screaming and the third one there was a mother that chaced her son around the dance floor all night

I want to enjoy my wedding as well as allowing my guest to enjoy themselves

Well, you can try leaving your son with the sitter like you already have planned... and then gently remind everyone--fiancee & mother in law--that this is a ceremony.. lasting only ONE day... and that you're entitled to have your fairy tale wedding without having to play mama at the same time... remind them that your son is too young to know he missed anything and would probably much rather be off somewhere he can run loose and play with toys without a bunch of overdressed adults shooshing him and holding him down...

Well, you can try leaving your son with the sitter like you already have planned...and then gently remind everyone--fiancee & mother in law--that this is a ceremony..lasting only ONE day...and that you're entitled to have your fairy tale wedding without having to play mama at the same time...remind them that your son is too young to know he missed anything and would probably much rather be off somewhere he can run loose and play with toys without a bunch of overdressed adults shooshing him and holding him down...


That is what I keep saying to them... its almost like his mom is doing this to stop the wedding because I took her son and grandson 800 miles away from her

I almost fell this is her way at getting back at me

I had a three year old ring bearer and flower girl and three newborns and three children 8 and under. Every one behaved. So I can't agree with your fears 100%. But I wish you the best

So there's noted tension between you and your future MIL, huh? Try a very "attract more bees with honey than vinegar approach" with your MIL... "I'd really like for all us adults to be able to enjoy this celebration together, without the kids being made to do something they don't like...this chance only comes around once for us (hopefully)...and since we live so far away from each other, I hope you'll be a big part of our celebration..it would mean so much to (insert fiancee's name here)..."

Then let your fiancée know that you approached his mom about it, and you would appreciate his backing you up on this no kids at the wedding issue... ask him flat out if his mother intends to boycott the wedding, what does that mean for him?

If he's as headstrong about his opinions on having your son there as you are on yours about not having any kids there.. you may just have to compromise... that's what marriage is all about, and unfortunately for you, it's starting at the wedding itself...

You don't want your own son to attend the wedding of his parents. This is a union between the three of you, not just you and soon to be hubby. Quite frankly, I think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. It's only one day, the wedding isn't the important thing, it's the marriage that matters. How can you hope to have a happy marriage if you are already upsetting his mother and him.

Sounds to me like it's your way or the highway. Talk to your fiancé about this, come up with a compromise, we can't do it for you.

Good luck.

Basically, you tell your fiancée that if he backs you 100%, then he tells his mom to shape her butt up about this.

If he, for some reason, agrees with his mother, then he needs to TALK to you about it, not play childish games the way his mother is.

Or let him know that if he wants to play childish games instead of communicating--here's a GREAT game for him. It's called "This goes my way, or you tell me how YOU really feel about it and we work on it, and your mom is given the ultimatum that she comes to the wedding WITHOUT her grandson there or she doesn't see him at all---or I call off the wedding and move home with MY mom, and you can fight me for custody of our son because I'm done."

If THEY can issue ultimatims and call it fair play, you can too.

Basically it comes down to this, though: Your husband should ALWAYS back you over his family, at least to them. You can then fight it out privately between the two of you, but in public and for extended family, YOU must come first. If you don't, you will ALWAYS come second. My husband and I had this fight the first day after we were married. He agreed with his parents about soemthing, and basically it felt like he was choosing them over me, and that they were all ganging up on me. We fought, I slept on the couch that night, and we've NEVER had that problem again.

So basically, you talk to your fiance--NOT his mom--and figure out how he REALLY feels about this. If he really does agree with you, then HE --not you -- needs to talk to his mom and make her understand that it is NOT her wedding, and that he'll be sad if she's not there, but that he agrees with you, and that if she's not coming to the wedding, she won't be babysitting, either.

Basically, you tell your fiancee that if he backs you 100%, then he tells his mom to shape her butt up about this.

If he, for some reason, agrees with his mother, then he needs to TALK to you about it, not play childish games the way his mother is.

Or let him know that if he wants to play childish games instead of communicating--here's a GREAT game for him. It's called "This goes my way, or you tell me how YOU really feel about it and we work on it, and your mom is given the ultimatum that she comes to the wedding WITHOUT her grandson there or she doesn't see him at all---or I call off the wedding and move home with MY mom, and you can fight me for custody of our son because I'm done."

If THEY can issue ultimatims and call it fair play, you can too.

Basically it comes down to this, though: Your husband should ALWAYS back you over his family, at least to them. You can then fight it out privately between the two of you, but in public and for extended family, YOU must come first. If you don't, you will ALWAYS come second. My husband and I had this fight the first day after we were married. He agreed with his parents about soemthing, and basically it felt like he was choosing them over me, and that they were all ganging up on me. We fought, I slept on the couch that night, and we've NEVER had that problem again.

So basically, you talk to your fiance--NOT his mom--and figure out how he REALLY feels about this. If he really does agree with you, then HE --not you -- needs to talk to his mom and make her understand that it is NOT her wedding, and that he'll be sad if she's not there, but that he agrees with you, and that if she's not coming to the wedding, she won't be babysitting, either.


Thank you I agree with you 100 % if I let her win this battle she will have won the war I can't let my mil run my marriage before I am even married. And I also believe that he should have my side on everything until the doors are closed.

Well Thank everyone for there 2 cent all the change has added up in my head. I know w what to do and what has to be done

Where are you getting married. Would it be possible the buildings would have other rooms where you could hire a babysitter to watch them. I know churches have nursery's for the children to go while the church service is going on.
Sounds like you should get to know more about your soon to be husband better on issues concerning agreeing on child raising. If this can cause this big of an issue imagine what problem it will be once your son is older and wants to do something the two of you can not agree on. Also does he always seek mom's answers to things or does he make his own decisions?

You will be worse than sorry if you don't have your own son attend the wedding of his parents. What are you thinking? Is this child a little monster who can't behave or something dreadful like that? You are blowing this entire thing way out of porportion if you ask me. If he is well behaved I see no reason that he can't attend - even if he won't remember the ceremony when he's a little older, but right now he will and he will have the photos to prove he was there. You are really being very selfish depriving him, your husband to be, and his mom. Mom had the right idea. She obviously loves her grandson and wants him to be rightfully included in this special day. Please rethink this, OK? You'll be making a lot of people happy. Isn't that what getting married is all about? Happiness(?) Of course, it is. This is a wedding you're having, not a funeral where children can be disruptive. A wedding is a time of rejoycing and having FUN. Gee I guess seeing kids running and playing during the reception would be horrible. And heaven forbid that anyone would have fun at a wedding. You are being way too dictatorial about the whole affair. I am really beginning to think when I re-read your posts that you are a control freak who has to have MY this and MY that and has to be the STAR of the whole production. You missed the boat here about the whole idea of getting married and having a wedding where you have guests. Are you going to run around and "monitor" everyone's drinks, monitor their dancing, monitor how they eat, etc. You should have gotten married BEFORE you had any kids to make the no kids ban in your case. Too late now to do anything about it. Ask yourself one question, OK? What will your guests think of you if your OWN SON is banned from your wedding? Hmmmmmmm.

They'll think that she's being fair about the "no kids" rule. If her own son can't come to the wedding, then THEIR kids are DEFINITELY not welcome.

Look--I wanted no kids at my wedding, and ended up caving and giving in because everyone was shocked and appalled at the way I felt about it. I was willing to pay for sitters in a hotel room, with plenty of distractions for the reception, and I was willing to have sitters who were in the nursery at the church--which has CCTV, so they could have watched the wedding without any issues. But nooooooooo... no one was okay with it.

So now, instead of memories of the ceremony that involve my husband and I, I remember my niece screaming through the blessing. I remember some little kid on his side of the family running up and down the aisle before a parent decided to control him. I remember a young cousin--a toddler--coming up mid-ceremony to get a hug---with jam/candy/something sticky on his hands. I also remember paying $15 a plate for 47 children--who either fell asleep after dinner, or ran around the reception hall with basically no parental control--at one point, almost taking out the gift table, and at another careening into the wedding cake.

Look--she knows the crowd of people at her wedding, and how well they will or won't control their kids. If I had known my family --and his! --would control their kids and keep them quiet and respectful during the ceremony and keep them under control at the reception--instead of ignoring their kids while they had a few drinks and gossipped because you know, it was all family there, and SOMEONE would keep the kids from getting too rambunctious!--then I would have been all for kids at my wedding. I remember having a lot of fun at weddings as a kid. I ALSO remember having to leave earlier than everyone else, and getting my bottom spanked for not acting like a lady.

So--for those of you that are adamant that kids should be included in a wedding, remember that YOU don't know the crowd that will be at that particular wedding. Sometimes it is only 2-3 sets of parents that will ruin it for EVERY set of parents, because you can't just not invite the kids of a few people and allow everyone else's kids.

If you don't like no-kid weddings, then don't go to them. But since I've seen SEVERAL weddings that would have been more fun without irresponsible parents letting the crowd take care of their kids. It's not like it was when we were kids--seriously, imagine those horrid kids at the grocery store screaming they want a toy with runny noses and fighting with their 3 siblings while mom ignores it all. Now imagine that at a wedding. At YOUR wedding. If you KNEW that specific kids would be uncontrollable or uncontrolled, would you risk the anger of a friend or family member by excluding them from invitations entirely, or would you solve the problem by NOT letting their spoiled screaming children at your wedding?

As far as this particular person goes--it sounds like she and her fiancé were in perfect agreement on it, and had planned it together--until HIS MOM got involved. So the issue here isn't really whether to have kids at the wedding, it's whether you can tell your mother in law to get stuffed before you even get married, and whether your husband to be is a momma's boy or will actually support you against her when OTHER issues come up in the future.

Basically, this comes down to the fact that she and her fiancé need to work out what THEY want--not what his mom wants, not what other family members want, not what the priest wants or the neighbor wants, but what THEY, as a couple, want for their wedding. Then, as a couple, they must maintain this front of THEIR ideas to everyone, including his mother.

They'll think that she's being fair about the "no kids" rule. If her own son can't come to the wedding, then THEIR kids are DEFINITELY not welcome.

Look--I wanted no kids at my wedding, and ended up caving and giving in because everyone was shocked and appalled at the way I felt about it. I was willing to pay for sitters in a hotel room, with plenty of distractions for the reception, and I was willing to have sitters who were in the nursery at the church--which has CCTV, so they could have watched the wedding without any issues. But nooooooooo....no one was okay with it.

So now, instead of memories of the ceremony that involve my husband and I, I remember my niece screaming through the blessing. I remember some little kid on his side of the family running up and down the aisle before a parent decided to control him. I remember a young cousin--a toddler--coming up mid-ceremony to get a hug---with jam/candy/something sticky on his hands. I also remember paying $15 a plate for 47 children--who either fell asleep after dinner, or ran around the reception hall with basically no parental control--at one point, almost taking out the gift table, and at another careening into the wedding cake.

Look--she knows the crowd of people at her wedding, and how well they will or won't control their kids. If I had known my family --and his!!--would control their kids and keep them quiet and respectful during the ceremony and keep them under control at the reception--instead of ignoring their kids while they had a few drinks and gossipped because you know, it was all family there, and SOMEONE would keep the kids from getting too rambunctious!--then I would have been all for kids at my wedding. I remember having a lot of fun at weddings as a kid. I ALSO remember having to leave earlier than everyone else, and getting my bottom spanked for not acting like a lady.

So--for those of you that are adamant that kids should be included in a wedding, remember that YOU don't know the crowd that will be at that particular wedding. Sometimes it is only 2-3 sets of parents that will ruin it for EVERY set of parents, because you can't just not invite the kids of a few people and allow everyone else's kids.

If you don't like no-kid weddings, then don't go to them. But since I've seen SEVERAL weddings that would have been more fun without irresponsible parents letting the crowd take care of their kids. It's not like it was when we were kids--seriously, imagine those horrid kids at the grocery store screaming they want a toy with runny noses and fighting with their 3 siblings while mom ignores it all. Now imagine that at a wedding. At YOUR wedding. If you KNEW that specific kids would be uncontrollable or uncontrolled, would you risk the anger of a friend or family member by excluding them from invitations entirely, or would you solve the problem by NOT letting their spoiled screaming children at your wedding?

As far as this particular person goes--it sounds like she and her fiance were in perfect agreement on it, and had planned it together--until HIS MOM got involved. So the issue here isn't really whether or not to have kids at the wedding, it's whether or not you can tell your mother in law to get stuffed before you even get married, and whether or not your husband to be is a momma's boy or will actually support you against her when OTHER issues come up in the future.

Basically, this comes down to the fact that she and her fiance need to work out what THEY want--not what his mom wants, not what other family members want, not what the priest wants or the neighbor wants, but what THEY, as a couple, want for their wedding. Then, as a couple, they must maintain this front of THEIR ideas to everyone, including his mother.


Thank you so much for seeing my point... people don't bring their children to the office christmas party due to its an adult get together . A wedding is no different its an adult party not to be ruined by children.