Hey just a little update on this lying/hiding thing. Last year, before mine and my boyfriends relationship, and a little during, he used to smoke weed a lot, it was a habit for him, he also did pills, ketamine, mushrooms, tried coke once or twice, and probably some other stuff I don't know about, but I used to hate it. I knew it was bad for him and not only that its wasn't very nice having a boyfriend that does drugs and smokes weed all the time. I spoke with him about it before and asked if he could stop (and it was the start of our relationship), so of course, he did. He went through months without touching anything.

So yer, just yday I was round his house in his room, and I spotted a packet of golden virginia in his drawer but pretended not to see it because I thought maybe it was for his friends (cos I know they smoke tobacco). But then I thought I should confront him about it and ask so I was pretending to look for moisterizer through his drawers to see how he would react and he slammed the drawer shut and said "ur not allowed to go in my top drawer" and I asked why, and he said "ur just not" and I said "why not? just open it:S" and he was like "no!" then I managed to open it a bit and I said "so ur hiding the golden virginia?" and he kept quiet and I came out with it and asked him if he smokes and how long he's been doing it for and if he's addicted, and he said "yer i do smoke. yer im addicted and iv been smoking for a few months", this realllly shocked me to find out he's been hiding it from me for quite a while. I also remember asking a couple of months ago if he smokes and he said "no i think its disgusting" and I believed him. I told him about this and he said "yer i lied. cos i know what ur like, ur judgemental" and I asked how am I judgemental and he said "because you dont like the idea of smoking, u look down upon it" and I said "thats not being judgemental, thats my own personal opinion about smoking, i dont frown upon it, i just think its not nice. you need to take ur own responsibilty and dont shift the blame to me" and its true, I don't frown upon other people who smoke, but when it comes to my boyfriend who's lied to me about it and whom I also care about, it was a huge upsetting shock for me. I asked him why he started, he said so he wouldn't smoke weed, and I said "you went through months of not smoking weed, and uv just started whilst you were at uni" and finally he said he started because his friends were rolling him cigarettes and eventually he just started.
Then I also got it out of him that he also smokes weed occasionally (so using smoking as an excuse not to smoke weed was also a lie). He was angry and said "its my own choice, why are you bothered? its my health" and obviously that effects me too.

Then it got onto other things, he said he likes to keep things to himself sometimes and yer he would lie to me if he didn't want me knowing about anything, and I asked what if its something that's important to me? And he said "whats important to you might not be important to me, so no, i probably wont tell you" then I said "but recently you said you would communicate more with me" and he said "yer i lied". He said he only smokes 1 a day, or 2 maximum, but what if it grows into something more? Once he starts smoking 2, he'll try 3 and so on.. I'm so upset and shocked he's been lying to me, I'm worried and it just seems like he's changed into a completely different person.

It just seems like he's so capable ot lying to me, I don't know what else he could be hiding. I have no idea, just like I had no idea about this smoking thing. There is no hope in also asking him to quit because he said he'de do that in his own time when he decides to (but will he decide to?)

Afterwards I stopped talking about it and tried moving on and said to watch TV instead, and he came and hugged and kissed me and said he's sorry for lying and I said its OK (even though its not but I couldn't be arsed to argue), and he said he is sorry, and I said "i just wish you wouldve told me, i understand that you said you didnt want me to get angry, but how about next time if you tell me about things? and i agree to keep calm, will you tell me? because im more likely to get angry if i found out myself" and he said he will tell me in the future about anything.. but do I really believe him? He's already said that he would lie etc, so I'm not sure if its true that he will be honest in the future..

I'm also really upset about the smoking thing, just an image of him smoking makes me upset. Is it understandable that he lied to me for months? Or is it no excuse? I just don't really know how to take this..

Everyone's advice has been great so far :) I'm sorry if it seems like I'm being longwinded but I don't know who else to ask. All opinions are much appreciated. Thanks.

Please give me some opinions people :) I really need them. Thank you

I say break up. You deserve so much more than he will give you. You want a guy who is not on drugs or smoking and who is honest and doesn't lie or hide things from you. That's not him, and men don't change. Maybe there is a girl out there for him, one that truly doesn't care if he does drugs (I can't imagine a girl who would want that, but whatever). That's not you, and you should only ever change to enhance yourself and your life, not to make allowances for people who bring you down with the things you do. You are not happy with him exactly how he is. That means he is not the one for you. Stop wasting your time with him and find someone you can be happy with. Not just sometimes, but all the time. Someone who even when you fight with them, you know they respect you and you respect them. You deserve that much at least.

After reading your other posts, I'm wondering why your still with him, and then it came to me that you want him to change, and be what you want him to be. Sorry that's not realistic, nor practical, to even think the changes you want from him will last. Stop trying to control this dude, and make him in your own image, and admit your finding out things that you don't like, and instead of beating him over the head for what you see as faults, end this, and get someone who already has the qualities you want.

Don't tell us oh but I love him, because if you really did, you accept him for what he is. This is not love on your part, but the false idea that if he loved you, he would change FOR YOU!

Again, not practical.

I agree with everyone else, you can't make someone do what you want them to or make them some they are not.

I know you're all right. I can't change him at all, the more I think about the more it makes sense. He won't change. My head is telling me that I should end it because its not his problem, but it could be a problem for me because he doesn't have many qualities that I like, thus he's not the right guy for me. I haven't beaten him around the head about this at all, I've said nothing about him, all I've said is just my opinion about smoking and I've just asked him when he started etc. it's the same with others things as well, I've tried telling him a lot before but I've learnt that that's how he is. I couldn't be bothered to argue about it because it wouldn't do anything. But its weird because the last couple of days he has been suggesting things that we do together next time we see each other, which has surprised me, but I know it might not last. I'm just finding it really hard to chose my head over my heart...

Yeah I know the feeling, especially when they are so good in other areas, you think that there is a chance, and after a little attachment and bonding, its really hard to make a decision to go or stay, when you really want to take a chance and stay. I have heard others suggest that you make a list of his pros, and cons, and see how he lines up.

Thanks talaniman. That's a good idea, ill try that pros and cons thing and see how it looks.