I am 23 and have been with my boyfriend for the last 5 years. We got engaged just over 1 year ago and are set to be married October 2008. I love him; he is a great guy and will always be there for me. However I don’t know if I am IN love with him, I kind of feel like the love I have for him is similar to that of a close friend or family member. The last thing I want to do is hurt him, I know leaving him or not getting married would crush him. When we first met we worked together, I saw him everyday for 3 .5 years for 10 hours a day at work then we would go home and I would see him all night. It was great and we really get along well, but I didn’t like the job. Even though we saw each other so much I never ever got sick of him.

I took a new job about 1.5 years ago and I love my job. It makes me feel better as a person and I feel that I have grown and become a different person in the last year and a half. I am proud of what I do, myself confidence has risen a lot, I have new goals personally for myself and my career has become more important to me.

(I know it may not be how everyone see it; but growing up I never dreamed of getting married and having a family I dreamed of being a successful independent women who yes had someone special there beside her but it was not my life’s focus.) My fiancé understands how important my career is to me and he has said through it all he will stay with me (I work six days a week 11+ hours a day for 5 of those days).
However even though he said he is Ok with my career and the hours I work, I don’t think it is fair to him.

I have goals I want to reach and things I want to accomplish and as much as I love him I feel as though I will miss out if I get married now. I also feel as though he is done growing as a person , he says he is happy with where he is at now and could stay like this forever same job, same house, same life experiences. To look at all I have I feel I should look at my life and be happy. I couldn’t ask for anything more: he is always there for me, we make good money and live comfortably, and I know he would never do anything to hurt me.

I can’t picture myself without him but I feel as though it may be more of a alone thing over anything else. I have never lived alone, never done anything alone. He puts gas in my car when its low, takes car of the bills (he just gets my paycheck and even though I ask to help he doesn’t want me to), he goes grocery shopping and codes (again I offer to help but he doesn’t want to and when I try to he just gets upset). We have a house, 2 dogs, and have lived together for the last 4.5 years. Leaving would be the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life (not to count canceling wedding plans). But I don’t know what I should do or how to find out if I love him or if I just love the fact that I have a home to go to every night where I am not alone.

How do I decide what is right, is my personal growth worth leaving someone I know would love me forever? Do I just have cold feet? I don’t know anymore I have been thinking about this for over a month now and have considered moving temporarily just get be away and think things through but I am lost.

I am sorry this is so lengthy but any advice would help. Thank You!

However I don't know if I am IN love with him, I kind of feel like the love I have for him is similar to that of a close friend or family member.
I really don't think those 5 years count for much, except familiarity and comfort, as your young and still finding yourselves. Sorry just my opinion, as your both different now than you were at 18.

The last thing I want to do is hurt him, I know leaving him or not getting married would crush him.
Not a very good reason TO get married, and maybe more time on your part would be better than finding out afterward that he ain't the one.

IF you have doubts now those doubts won't go away if you marry him. In fact with the pressures of marriage they will grow stronger and stronger.

I really don't think those 5 years count for much, except familiarity and comfort, as your young and still finding yourselves. Sorry just my opinion, as your both different now than you were at 18.

Not a very good reason TO get married, and maybe more time on your part would be better than finding out afterward that he ain't the one.


Thank you for your response. Its honest and makes sense. It really verifies what I think I already know is the truth and the correct answer to what I should do next. As difficult as this will be I know it is something I should just address now before it goes to far.

I think you should express your feelings to him before October. You don't seem to ready and its best to end it now instead of after marriage. Sometimes people grow apart and your love for him is more as a friend not spouse so be honest.