Im 17 and I've been going out with my boyfriend who's 18 for nearly 9 months. We are both each others longest relationship and we both lost our virginities to each other so we are very close. He's also my best friend and Im his back.

We see each other three to four times a week depending on what we are doing as Im still at school and he's got college. My AS Level exams are over and my school has given our year a week off before going back again and so I'm mostly left at home bored this week because most of my mates have already left school and got jobs or they have no money to go out. Either way I'm bored. My boyfriend has college everyday but on Tuesdays and Thursdays they finish at 12.30.

Last week, I was ill and had a high temperature. I hadn't been as ill as that since I was in Year 7 (I remember because I'd been off school for about a week). My mum had an important meeting at work so she couldn't stay home and care for me. My dad was on a business trip and my brother who is younger than me had school so I was left at home by myself all day, ill. I was a little upset that no one was here to comfort me so I called my boyfriend thinking that I could rely on him to look after me. It was Thursday and my boyfriend had come out of college early anyway, I knew, because he had had a motorbike test at 12. I thought he would want to come and comfort me so I called him up asking if he would come round. He said "No" along with his usual amount of about 10 excuses believing himself to be the voice of reason. His reasons were that he was tired, he was upset that his test hadn't gone so well and he had too much work to do.

I was really quite upset to be honest. I was on my period too which really didn't help as it always makes me too emotional but truly believe he should have been there for me. He knows and I told him that I would go round to his whenever he was ill no matter how I was feeling or what I was doing. If he had so much work, why was he on the Xbox too? (I knew this because 1. I could hear it over the phone and 2. I was on msn so it showed up there too) He couldn't have had that much. I really think he should have been there for me but he doesn't see that.

I went to see him the next day on the train which takes an hour and I was still ill. It probably wasn't the best thing to do as it probably made me worse but I was upset and I always go to his on Fridays and I thought that he wouldn't come over to mine. As soon as I got to the station near his house, he started walking me home and then stopped me. I knew why because he does this a lot when he knows I'm angry with him. He knows how much he hurt me yesterday and I think he knows he is in the wrong for not being there for me but what he said was "Why do you always have to do this to me, babe?" He always has to turn it around to him. HE is always hurt and I am to blame. Its HIM who is always the one doing right and I'm making HIM upset. Its just not fair! I was the one who was ill and he didn't come and see me not the other way around! Apparently, he was the one who was stressed and overworked and needed sympathy. Whilst he was saying this, I was standing there ill, concentrating on standing up and not falling over.

That was a couple of days ago. Today was the third argument this week. We often have arguments. Its almost what we do best. We always make up afterwards but this one today has struck a whole new level. He promised me on Sunday that he would be early today (Tuesday), however, his college had kept him in a little later so he wasn't early. To be honest, I wasn't surprised and I was a little disappointed but he had a valid reason so I wasn't angry with him. We were in my room and he had bought me a sexy little outfit on Saturday (not expensive but it as ok) and I hadn't worn it for him yet due to my "Time Of The Month" so I did. I knew he was a little stressed so I tried to make him happy with the usual "seduce" tactics, only this time I had the outfit which made him very happy. I wasn't really in the mood but I had promised him that id wear it and I wanted him happy. We had sex and then a little later we did it again. Then, he fell asleep. I don't really like it when he does that but he was tired so I let him and I lay comfortably in his arms.

He had to go at 10.30 so at 10, I woke him up so that we could talk for a little bit. He said "Im too tired to talk". After all id done for him, he wouldn't do this one thing for me. It didn't exactly require much effort. I was upset because to me that meant he couldn't be bothered with me. When he got up to get ready to go home, he told me to also get changed so that I could come down. I didn't answer or move just to show him that I was not happy. For some reason that made him start swearing at me and insulting me saying that I was a and he didn't like the way I treat him. (Again, note that he's turned it round to him!). When he gets angry with me, I get angry back at first. Then I feel like crying and just wanting to run to him and let him hold me until I stop crying. Amazingly, this time I did not cry. I was in a bit of a shock. He had been saying that we should go on a break for a bit whilst he finishes college because he couldn't see me as much and so I wouldn't stress him out by calling him to see him. He said it again in this argument so I said "Go on then, lets see how long it is before you come running back". I was still in an angry phase and then he started insulting me again so I told him to leave. Usually, I go with him to wave him off on his motorbike. This time, he went without waiting for me. I changed then from angry phase to upset phase of he argument so I went down after him. He was putting on his boots whilst I stood there watching him. He could tell I was upset but he hardly acknowledged me. He was about to leave and I couldn't help it so I ran up to him and hugged him tight. I felt like crying so badly but I knew I couldn't because he'd think I was just trying to make him stay longer. Obviously, I did but that wasn't why I wanted to cry. I felt he was being so so horrible. I think he was sorry too but he still really hurt me. I wrote him an email as I knew he'd be on Facebook when he got home. All I want is a hug from him right now. I've hardly stopped crying since he left.

Its stupid but everything he does, even if its so trivial, has such a big impact on me. Him simply saying that I'm stupid hurts me. I don't think he understands that. He's always been a guy who is the leader and acts tough even though he can be really nice which he usually is to me but he can't understand that he can't argue with me the way he argues with other people because it hurts so much. He cares about me but he doesn't deal with me right. When I'm upset, instead of saying "Im here, ill make everything better", he tells me what I did that was wrong, which would be great after I wasn't upset anymore but telling what I did wrong when I'm upset just makes it worse. I tell him but he says it doesn't work that way with me... Thing is, he is wrong and it is the way to deal with me. It always has been. He makes it worse. And I have to tell him what's wrong because he is my boyfriend and we tell each other everything!

Why does he always change the argument round to him?
Am I right that he should have come to see me when I was ill?
How can I make him understand me more?
Is he right in treating me this way?
How can I make him deal with me better?

Yes, I love him to bits, I know I do but he can drive me insane when we don't agree on something because he always wins until I'm nearly in tears just trying to get my say and my view across.

I feel like I should put one thing to bed right off the bat: your boyfriend is NOT abusive.. judging from the lengthy description you provided...

He may be too blunt for your liking when he tells you what it is you don't want to hear about yourself at the exact moment when you'd rather he hold you and comfort you and allay your anger... but he's just being a guy... a logical, fact-presenting guy...

Now... let's get down to your questions:

"Why does he always change the argument round to him?"
... He is only 18... and you, 17... and the relationship you share between the two of you does seem a tad bit selfish...
You say he changes the argument around to flatter himself; but he's probably thinking, "Here she goes again, acting like a crazy girl...whining and crying...nothing I ever do makes her happy."

"Am I right that he should have come to see me when i was ill?"
... It's always nice to know that the people you love who love you back are willing to drop what they're doing in order to comfort you in your time of need; but it's just not always realistic to think that way...
... Like I said before, he's only 18... he's in college where's he is supposed to be carefree and constantly having fun...
... I don't blame you for being upset when he's not there with you while you're sick... I know it must have been disappointing for you; but if you love him, you got to let him off the hook for messing up that time, and try not to expect too much from such a young guy...

"How can i make him understand me more?"
... Since men and women communicate differently.. the things we women believe we are saying so clearly often get mistaken for fussing/yelling/complaining/nagging... for such a young guy you need to state what you expect from him up front... what behavior you have to have from him in order to be happy in your relationship... you list what you will NOT put up with in any circumstances...
... For instance, you could say.. "I am not mad at you, (boyfriend's name here) for not being here when I was sick...I did miss you when you were busy; but I understand your work/friends/life is hectic right now...in the future, though, it would be really wonderful if you could be here for me when I am sick: I feel a lot better when you rub my feet/bring me soup/cuddle with me....and maybe I can do the same for you when you're sick.."

"Is he right in treating me this way?"
... His right and your right are obviously two different things.. if you need more cuddling, and he doesn't give it, it doesn't mean one of you is wrong... same with companionship/conversation/sex..
... Like I said before, he's not abusive by any means... just a little selfish... if you're willing to compromise with him about the things neither of you especially like to do--well, that's what a relationship is all about: You like to talk a lot, he doesn't... so you talk to him some; but mostly to your girlfriends COMPROMISE...
BUT... if there is something you need from a man and he can't fulfill this for you, and you can't live without it or get over it.. well, then let him off the hook and find it elsewhere...

"How can I make him deal with me better?"
.. Don't nag him...
Understand that he has a full plate right now with college and independent life...
There's not much worse than a needy girlfriend for a guy... be understanding to a point that you're comfortable with--if you need more, then move on...
... If you allow him to be himself in the world he's in now, it can only make him happier to be around when it's your turn to be with him... If he says he can't make it to be by your side for whatever reason, you got to let that be...
... Keep in mind, even though he is your boyfriend, you don't own him... You can't expect him to jump every time you tell him to, okay?

I don't mean to sound rude or anything; but I wish I'd known more of these man/woman differences back when I was 17...

Good luck...

It kind of doesn't sound like he's being all that nice to you and doesn't seem like he appreciates you. He's young and doesn't realize the value of a good partner, maybe. Don't go chasing him if he's being cold, just let him go out the door and you can try cooling off toward him too, so he realizes that he may wish to be a little nicer to you if he'd like to keep seeing you. Also, I'd stop having sex with him until he appreciates it and treats you with a little more respect, because otherwise you'll just end up feeling used.

). My mum had an important meeting at work so she couldn't stay home and care for me. My dad was on a business trip and my brother who is younger than me had school so I was left at home by myself all day, ill. I was a little upset that no one was here to comfort me so I called my boyfriend thinking that I could rely on him to look after me.

You're seventeen. At this stage of your life, you're almost an adult. You need to accept adult responsibilities such as taking care of yourself. You're bored. That's your problem, and you cannot expect others to rearrange their lives to your convenience.

I think that your boyfriend does a beautiful job of communicating how he feels. It sounds to me as if he's using the appropriate language, i.e. "When you do this, I feel this."

Although you feel very mature, the simple fact of the matter is that 17 year old girls and 18 year old boys are not ready for all the rights and responsibilities of adult relationships, and that's all there is to it.

Give him some space, develop your own relationships and coping mechanisms and do not expect others to be there for you whenever you call.

We all like to be pampered. None of us can expect that we always will be.

kangabitt, if a person feels they aren't comfortable having sex because they're not being treated well, I hardly think that's 'using it as a weapon'. Lol. Sheesh. Anyone has the right to not have sex.

I agree JB. If things are that bad divorce or counseling may be in order. But maybe it's just me, but, if my boyfriend had sex with me, feel asleep, woke up and refused to talk to me, and then started calling me 'the B word' and other expletives, I'd rethink doing that again.

First off, your boyfriend is not abusive in any way. You are becoming way to needy to him and it's wearing on his nerves. He is in college, worrying about his career and graduating sorry if he doesn't feel like taking the train ride to come see you after an exam. So what if he was on his xbox after a test, it's his time to unwind. Just because you're sick doesn't mean he needs to be by your bed side. You're in high school, go out with friends, enjoy life

Hi DevilsAngel,

I want to start by saying that when I was your age, I had the same mindset as you. Please don't misunderstand, I am not putting you down at all, just pointing some things out. I expected my boyfriends to always be there for me, to always talk to me when I wanted to talk, take care of me when I wasn't feeling well. Granted, it is so nice when they do, but what I realized was that I drove them nuts! I was acting so needy and so dependent (Especially emotionally) that it just sucked the life right out of them, and our relationship. Believe me, there is nothing more beautiful that having someone there for you; a guy being there for his woman, a woman being there for her guy, but it's all about give and take. Honey, please take my advise. Sometimes if someone can't be there physically at a precise moment, but you see that they all around are there for you, try not to get upset. Sometimes the other person needs his/her time, and at times you may need yours as well. I know all too well of your feelings, I was like that too. I'm not saying we are bad people, but, honestly, it can really get to be a bit much for a man if a woman acts like this too much. Again, I am not being mean to you, I just wanted to let you know that I was like this, and you just need to relax a little bit. I'm sure your man loves you very much. Let him come to you on his own... no need for you to 'push', he will come on his own, and believe me, you will be happy when he does.. :)

Please don't give reddies for an opinion, just because I don't have the same opinion as yours does not mean its wrong. Just because you didn't like the answer you received doesn't mean you have to ruin my rep. If you can't take both sides of the answer, don't ask the question. You said he had a test that day, so either you are lying or just trying to change your story.

He had a biking test but its not a major exam

It's still a test, he doesn't need to be with you every time you're sick. What's the problem with him wanting to sit home and relax n play videogames. No offense, but if I had a girlfriend who was this demanding, I would have been gone by now. Sorry if no one agrees but no one should depend on someone so much that it can get to you that much. No one should be the center of your world except yourself

Your problems with your boyfriend stems from your high expectations, and emotional reactions when you don't get what you want, and expect from him. Needy as you are, he will never please you, to your satisfaction. Sorry but you're your own worst enemy.

And you think he is abusive??

kangabitt, if a person feels they aren't comfortable having sex because they're not being treated well, I hardly think that's 'using it as a weapon'. lol. Sheesh. Anyone has the right to not have sex.

Absolutely. However, in this particular case, withholding sex was suggested to be a "solution" to the situation at hand.

I don't think it cuts it and having or withholding sex for the wrong reasons is not a good strategy to employ in any situation.

I advocate opening the door and walking through it if the "relationship" is not what one party feels it should be on a regular basis.

Does that make my position more clear? :)

Why does he always change the argument round to him?

He's telling you how he feels. That's a good thing, IMO.



Am I right that he should have come to see me when I was ill?

No. I don't think so. He still has responsibilities to deal with in his life. If you were ill enough that you needed supervision, you belonged in the doctor's office or hospital.


How can I make him understand me more?

Use his method. Use the word "I" when explaining how you feel. For example, "I was feeling hurt/abandoned/angry when you didn't come to take care of me when I was sick."

Not: "You should have come to be with me when I was sick. You weren't there for me and you should have been.



How can I make him deal with me better?

You cannot ever change the way another person feels or reacts. Rather you need to work on how you relate to a given situation or to life in general.

Some people are caregivers and it sounds like that's the type you need. Some relationships just aren't going to work. It's important to be clear about what you see as another's weaknesses or faults, and decide if you can accept that on a daily/hourly basis. If the answer is no, then this particular person isn't the one that's going to make your life easier or happier in the long haul.

JM2C