My once fiancé, but now just my girlfriend told me tonight that she hates me and wants to never see me again. We've been together for almost 5 years and had problems in the past. We recently moved to Texas and I felt as though it was time to start over again. I work for a local law enforcement agency and she works for another. I proposed to her in March and she said yes with tears in her eyes, but gave me the ring back and told me to leave two weeks ago. We decided to work things out and are back where we started. Yes, I have made mistakes, but so has she.

She cheated on me 2 or 3 years ago and I forgave her... She wanted to move here and I did it because I thought that she would be happy being around her family again... now I am 8 hours away from mine. I have no hard feelings about that, I'm 28 and can live away from home, but why did she say yes, and then tell me that the only reason why she said yes is so I could keep my dignity?

Anyway, on with the problem... I missed work today because I was so mad that I couldn't deal with the anger and I refuse to have peoples lives in my hands when I'm not at my absolute best... who would want me out there like that anyway? Going on, she was fine with it and we had a nice lunch and went home. We took a nap and I got up later in the evening and was watching a baseball game when she woke up... and then everything began to fall apart again... she told me that I was irresponsible and never have been... she told me that I could never take care of her and she hated me and wanted me to leave...

What can I do to win this back before I'm already gone?

Thanks for your help...

Hello, Guidostern!

What sort of problems, other than cheating have the two of you had in the past, please? Have either of you gone together or separately to a professional counselor for any of problems that you have had as a couple in the past?

Thanks!

Well, we had a rough patch where we argued quite a bit... we both have bad tempers and are hard headed about things. We went and seen a counselor one time and then stopped after the first session. It was pretty rough around the time she cheated on me... she didn't like it because I would go hang out with my friends and would be gone longer than I initially told her I would... I was still married when we got together, but I was completely honest with her about that... I had been separated for almost a year while trying to get divorced. I finally got that done and then things went fine for a while. She said something a couple of months ago about swinging, but I wasn't completely comfortable with it.

Sorry! I keep getting disconnected from the Internet!

The first session with a counselor is almost always just for introductions and for the counselor to get an initial idea of the problems a couple may be having. It can take many sessions for there to be any sort of resolutions to problems or potential problems.

I remember when I was around your age, and my then wife wanting me to go to counseling. Being the macho guy that I was, and thinking that we could work everything out on our own, I didn't go initially. Finally, I did go, and loved it! I was finding things out about myself that I didn't know, and how I might solve problems that I was having.

I would strongly suggest giving the counseling thing another chance. Group therapy may be a thing that could help with tempers. I know that it helped me. My temper used to be horrible! Anger management by the comments and suggestions of others like myself as well as a moderator for the groups really helped!

I suggested counseling before and I'm not sure she's up for it. I have been talking to her for the past few hours and she doesn't seem to want to budge. I don't know, maybe things are over... I'm not one to give up... but she just sent me a text message saying some pretty bad things. My brother who is much older than me seems to think that it's an age thing because she just turned 24. I just asked her if she would be willing to see a counselor and she said "Why would I go somewhere with you when I want you gone." It seemed like she was willing to work on it earlier, but that changed pretty quick. I work an evening shift and she works midnight shifts... so we don't see each other a lot unless I get up early to spend time with her, then I end up being drained... Oh man, I don't know what to do anymore...

I'm still here, but, probably not for long, if you would like to continue to post to someone who is "live" on the site right now. It's almost 4:30 A.M. where I am, and I'm going to need to be getting to bed.

Depending on what you continue to post, I do know some really excellent people to pull onto your thread to give advice, if needed. The unfortunate thing right now, is that most of them are asleep.

You will get very helpful, understanding, kind and considerate advice here!

My thoughts are still that you should seek out a professional counselor and stick with him or her for awhile.

What do you think?

By the way, I wouldn't be comfortable with the "swinging" thing either...

I think that our posts crossed paths somewhere. I was responding to your post #3.

It sounds like the amount of time that you are able to spend with each other is an issue. Has she ever stated that it is?

Would you be willing to change to a job, or ask for a change in shift, where you would be able to have more compatible hours for spending time with each other?

I'm not one to want to give up either. I spent about 2&1/2 years trying to get back together with my wife after we were legally separated.

I think it's a good idea... I appreciate your advice. It's 4:30 where I'm at too, so I've got to get off to bed. I just don't know if I should keep trying and subjecting myself to this. She just told me that she would stick around until she could get enough money to move, but I might as well move because I have no one here anyway. Thanks again.

I could change jobs, but I don't know what she would think about that. I think she would be pretty upset even though I would be trying to make more time for her.

Has she acted this same way in the past concerning the two of you parting company?

We can't predict the future concerning what someone else is going to think. How about asking her what she would think about your changing jobs so that the two of you could spend more quality time with each other?

Have you tried asking her if she would help you with the problem that you are having concerning the two of you? (Might make her feel good about herself, because she could be a part of the solution to the problem that you are having, even though it might not really be so.)

The two of you could just be stuck in a rut concerning the words that you use in the dialogues that you have with each other.

Just some thoughts for you...

Goodnight, Guidostern!

I do hope that we can dialogue some more here! I do care much about you and your situation. I do think that we have some things in common concerning our relationships with others and personal issues that we have. As such, I will be asking some others to take a look at your question also.

I only wish and hope for you the best! :)

All anyone of us can do is try...

Hi dear,

My thoughts are:

In your profession, you know as well as anyone that it's not good to be in this state of mind.
Maybe the last time you spent together, you left her arms too soon to watch TV, but that still should not have made her blow her top like she did either - that's also unprofessional.

If you are willing to give up your job for a woman who has lost that special feeling for you, you need to think real hard on what is important in your life rigth now. Can you really cope with her swaying one way and then another? Can you really think of 'swinging' with her or any other woman?

I would suggest that you see a professional on your own to help you figure out what you want in life and what you can cope with to be content and happy. Apparently this situation is NOT what I would prescribe for you now or in the future. You seem to need more warmth, peace and security - and it does not sound as if she is the one willing to meet you half way.

What would you suggest to a person in your shoes when you knock on the door during duty? You would probably shake your head and tell him to move on and get a life...

Sorry that you have to go through this stress, and hope that you will be able to 'fix' yourself soon. Don't worry about 'fixing' anything with her - that's not under your control - and what you need most is regaining control and self-respect back.

Good luck, and stay with us - we'll try and help as much as we can.

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Hi Guidostern,

I wouldn't be concerned about 'fixing' things with your girlfriend. It sounds as though she has a lot of confusion going on within her, and that is something that she needs to figure out. Honestly, I don't mean to sound harsh, but I think it best if you let her go. I know you love her, but she needs to figure out things for herself, and perhaps you do as well. The fact that you guys napped, everything was nice before you went to sleep, and when she got up, she was saying you are irresponsible, etc? What provoked that?

"Relationships are like glass...Sometimes is better to leave them broken, than hurting yourself trying to fix it"..
Your girl or ex told you she doesn't want to see you any more... I think its time to do what she says!. It sounds like she has some issues... It will hurt you but you got to let her go... She needs to figure out for herself what she wants... MOve on... Things get better, with time.. but they get better

Thanks for all of the help that every one of you have offered. I went to work this afternoon and then drove my car home and parked in the drive. Before I could get out of my patrol car she was out the front door and in the drive way at my driver side door. I exited the car and she wrapped her arms around me and told me what was eating at her over the past few weeks. One of her best friends died and she has been trying to cope with it all by herself.

I asked her, after almost 5 years of being together, why didn't she come to me? I got the answer... She said that she knows how rough my job is and she didn't want me to go out on patrol with her on my mind (picture of her being in a fragile state). I explained to her that I deal with a great number of issues every day, and just this evening I had to deliver a message to a young lady letting her know that her brother died in a car accident earlier this afternoon... I think if I can keep a clear head through that, I can deal with her problem just fine. But anyway, we talked for quite a while and now she's off to work and I'm headed back to town to work security at a local pub.

Anyway, I really appreciate you guys and will continue to return and see if I can help others just as all of you have helped me.

Thank you for giving up your time on this ol' boy.

Thank you for sharing what you have here, Guidostern! And, I'm glad that there has been some resolution for you to at least why she has been acting the way that she has!

It looks like there is hope and that the two of you are getting a good grip on improving the communication between the two of you!

There is hope...

Thanks for all of the help that each and every one of you have offered. I went to work this afternoon and then drove my car home and parked in the drive. Before I could get out of my patrol car she was out the front door and in the drive way at my driver side door. I exited the car and she wrapped her arms around me and told me what was eating at her over the past few weeks. One of her best friends died and she has been trying to cope with it all by herself.

I asked her, after almost 5 years of being together, why didn't she come to me? I got the answer...She said that she knows how rough my job is and she didn't want me to go out on patrol with her on my mind (picture of her being in a fragile state). I explained to her that I deal with a great number of issues every day, and just this evening I had to deliver a message to a young lady letting her know that her brother died in a car accident earlier this afternoon...I think if I can keep a clear head through that, I can deal with her problem just fine. But anyways, we talked for quite a while and now she's off to work and I'm headed back to town to work security at a local pub.

Anyways, I really appreciate you guys and will continue to return and see if I can help others just as all of you have helped me.

Thank you for giving up your time on this ol' boy.

I too hope all will work out for the best. Just a reminder... both of you have a profession in which things like this happen a lot, so she should know where she could go to share the hard parts of her life - and that you can handle any 'weakness' and support her. Let her know that mindreading is not one of your skills yet and that she can communicate more any time with you - even if there is a game on the TV.

Good luck.

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Thanks, I found out today that some other problems are arising though. I didn't know about these things and I try very hard to get her to communicate with me even though neither of us are talkers. She says that she just doesn't feel the same way about me as I do her. She says that she loves me with every single portion of her heart and soul, but she's just not sure anymore.

The weird thing is that she says that we will stay together, but she's not trying... why would she do this? I asked her and she couldn't give me an answer. She just said with a very hurt look on her face "I'm just not going to try." At first I kind of thought it was because of the loss that she's experienced, but then I am driving home and pass her ex on the road to our house... he lives 5 hours away but has family here. His marriage is failing because he's not happy, but I began to wonder if it had something to do with him. I have talked to her and talked to her, but she's not willing to budge. I caught her in a little white lie today as well. She told me that she was working this evening when we met for lunch and then after I got home she told me that she was off. I said "But I thought you had to work, that's what you told me" and she said "No, I don't have to work tonight or tomorrow night." I know that she may need some space, but I figured she would have enough since I just went through a shift change this week and she did too. We generally don't see each other but for maybe 2 hours a day... so, I'm almost back at square one again...

Sorry to hear that.. I can't help but say that things don't look too bright from my point of view.

Ask yourself this; Would you want to be in/continue a serious relationship with a woman who is not sure if she feels the same loving feelings for you as she did and is not willing to even TRY to make things better for the two of you..


About the ex and her white lie, it could be nothing - or it could be everything,
Either way, if you start speculating like this without really knowing anything
You will definitely not feel better, and it's a great way to waste energy, trust me, I been there, done that.

I have thought about that... why should I stay around if she continues to say that she's not going to try... but I'm also hung up on all of the time I have invested with this. It's 5 years of my life that have just been a waste, but it could be more if I continue on... she's always been kind of flaky, but never about our relationship... since we actually knew we loved and cared about each other, we've talked about what we're going to do for our wedding.

What makes me so incline to keep trying is that just 2 weeks ago we were planning our wedding, going to places so we could do the registry thing... and then this... it makes me feel like I need to stay and fix things...

My brother told me that I should give her a while because she will most likely change her mind and if I move back to OK, then the chances of me coming back even if I want to are very slim... maybe I'm just hopelessly blind when it comes to this girl...

Ah yes, the feeling of 'investment', I understand how you think but really - all the time in the world that you may or may not have spent together before these problems should not cloud up your vision and your ability to make the right decision, cause the time spent together in the past, won't really change her feelings in the PRESENT.
I think they are what they are and the bitter truth is there is no easy way of altering someone's feelings if they start to go downhill..

You want to be with someone you can rely on, who won't say things like "I'm just not going to try." :/


Just my 50 cents, and I'm by no means any expert, just a friend

By the way, I'm not saying you should run for the hills or anything, you can give it some time and see how it progresses, you sound really nice and I think you deserve someone who wouldn't ever cheat on you in the first place.

Guido, what, with your professional and analytical abilities in observation... tell someone else who is in the very same predicament you are in right now?

Can I rest my case?

A lot of us have invested time, effort, money, blood, sweat and tears for many years in relationships that did not pan out. But we survived it, and I promise, you too will - in time.

You need peace of mind, stabiliy and focus, so now it's your move.

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I know, I've just got to muster up the courage to basically tell her what I expect... I am going to go hang out with a friend tonight and if I get the courage (no alcohol involved) I will come back and let her know how I really feel. I'm not good at opening up and don't like confrontation... I deal with that too much at work to come home and get it. But I know that I just need to make my move as both of you are saying. The ball isn't just in her court... it's in MY court too... If she really feels the way she says she does about me, this will tell me whether I should stay or go. I have a lot invested, but I have to remember that I have a lot to lose here too... yeah, I have a good job... but I can do what I am doing now anywhere... I think that's what I will do... and if she says leave, I'll move into my own place and if I get tired of being in TX, I'll just move back to OK where most of my friends and all of my family are located...

Hi Guido,

Please trust me when I say that it is not a good idea to pursue a relationship in which one person feels stronger than the other. It is not healthy, and in the end, you are most likely going to be miserable. I am so sorry to be so harsh, but I know this, because this has happened to me over and over with my ex, and I am still trying like heck to figure things out in my own mind to make it work. You know what? It's trying; it sucks the life right out of you. I know it is so hard, but you owe it to yourself to be happy. You sound like a great guy, and you deserve a great girl; one who will love you as you love her. Try and stay strong, and keep an open mind. We all know what you are going though.

I completely understand mentally that I should not do this. I have been married once and that was destroyed by bad decisions made by me and my ex wife. The girl that I was married to, I was with from the age of 13 until I was 22. I got married for all of the wrong reasons and no matter how hard we both tried, it wouldn't work. That was the most horrible feeling that I ever experienced.

Now I am in another relationship that I feel like I have ruined. Believe me, I have had my bad moments as well. I became an officer and she then went into Police Communications to feel closer to me... I changed departments so there would not be any clouded judgment on her part if something were to happen to me. She begged me to quit after I had a very close brush with death... something that I do not talk about to anyone except those who were there that night... moving on, I refused once again to quit my job.

We moved to Texas, while yes - I make a lot less than I did before; I still absolutely love what I do... she will go on ride alongs with me from time to time and those nights are generally smooth, even when we lived in a larger city... a few traffic stops, a few other calls... maybe I am doing her wrong by not quitting when she has begged me to for so long.

I recently had an incident that again scared her so bad that she immediately called me after it was over to make sure I was okay... I assured her that everything was all right and that I was just going to the hospital for a short observation. I stopped by her agency and seen her after getting done at the hospital and picking up my car.

She cried when she seen me, checking my chest and every other part of my body that was appropriate to make sure there were no wounds... I again assured her that everything was fine and myself and my fellow officer had everything under control, even after all h*ll broke loose. She again begged me to quit and I refused, telling her that things like this do not happen often... she told me that two times was just too much for her and she would never be able to live with herself if anything ever happened to me and I didn't come home.

I know this is long, but I really just realized that this is what could be causing the entire problem. I realized this after reading one of Clough's posts that asked if changing jobs might correct the problem...

Anyway, she told me that the Army was different for her because she didn't feel so helpless and had plenty of people to keep her mind off what we all know. She couldn't hear exactly what was going on over a radio, maybe just miles away and now she can. So now, she says that she will feel guilty if something happens to me because she's the one who suggested that I pursue a law enforcement career and that she would not be able to keep herself from feeling as though she was responsible if my luck ran out. Things started to get worse shortly after the last incident because we all heard about a trooper being killed in another area of the state.

I set here almost in tears as I type this and that's hard for me to say. I can't imagine leaving her behind that way. I don't want her to get a visit early in the morning or at night by a Lt. or Sgt. And another officer having to tell her that something happened to me. It's different now than it was when I was serving... it's different because now I have more to live for, and I just can't bring myself to not say something to her to see if this is the real underlying problem.

I can't keep trying to assure her that everything is okay when I am unsure myself if I will see the next sun rise or sun fall just because someone doesn't want a traffic ticket or they have a $50 warrant that they don't want to pay for... now that I think about it, everything that I have been telling her about my job is just a lie and she's known it all along, accepting my assurances every time. I know that I can't fix this until I fix the problem that I am having.

The good thing about "changing jobs" is that I can actually get into communications just like her and keep my standing as an officer. I will still be with the person that I love with every inch of my soul and will be doing what I love to do; just in a different way.

I will still come back to this unique community of people who are out to help others. Scratch that, I don't want to speak too soon. I'll give you an update here in about an hour after she gets up...

You really thought of and shared a lot in your last post. I sincerely hope that after your talk with her, you two will have the chance to share the passion and happiness that you feel so strongly about. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a safer future once you found the right person to share it with, and I for one, wish you all the luck in the world.

Again, good luck, and keep us posted.
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There is nothing better than reading a happy ending to posters coming here.

Thanks, I will be sure to keep you all posted... I just can't believe that I didn't see it before. I do my job every day like nothing is going to happen, and everything is going to be okay. I never took the time to think about her feelings and wonder what it must feel like to love someone in my profession. I would never want her to be an officer because of some of the risks involved. I just feel as though I can be honest and I have nothing to hide here so why not just share what I am going through. Maybe it will help someone else that is just like me. I'll be back and keep you posted... I'm not out of the dark yet!

I come from a military background, (father, step-father, brother, ex-husband, friends) and worked for the military all my career life, so I know what it's like to be in 'her' shoes. Soldiers, Police, Firemen, Pilots, etc, all do their jobs well, but their spouses are a special breed also. Not all partners, men or women, can live in fear of someone knocking on the door one day...

That's why communication is very important in any relationship. Also why there will always be jobs for therapists.

Just keep that line of communication open - it certainly can't hurt.

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Well, I talked to her today when I met her for lunch and she needs some time. I made the suggestion of getting relocated to another part of the department. She said that the risks were definitely the problem, especially since I have had some close ones. She added that she was worried that I would resent her and just go back on patrol again, leave her, or just be angry all the time. I added that as long as I could still be involved in law enforcement, I would be happy.

(I talked to my Sgt today and he said that I could be moved to an admin job as a "Desk Officer")

I let her know this and she told me that she appreciated that I was taking her feelings into consideration, adding that she needed a little time to not just think it over, but to clear her mind of not only what I have put her through with these risks, but to get over the loss of her friend.

So, I'm quietly waiting to hear what she has to say. I know it could be a week, a month, or maybe just a few days... but I told her that I will be waiting and will still be there for her no matter what her decision is.

Good that you have this out on the table, now it's her turn.
Your head is in the right place right now, and you know that there are two ways this can go, so I don't have to remind you.

Either way, know that we are here for you - so keep us posted.

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Got my fingers crossed!

Well, I have an update to this crazy few weeks. I just got home... it's 2AM here right now and I found a note from her. The note let me know what she was thinking and how she felt about our relationship and the future. She's up for me changing positions within the dept. and I'm not against it either. She says that she's still worried about me getting put back on the streets like I am right now (I could be moved and there would be nothing I could do about it) and she still wants things to continue to work out. This was a huge relief for me... I have invested way too much time and energy just to let it go so easy.

Anyway, I start in a new division in two weeks and I think I will enjoy it. After all, I will be in a controlled environment (a/c and not having to walk around in the cold and rain)... and I will just simply skim over reports that were made by other officers and look for mistakes and so on. My Sgt. Told me that I may have to go out on patrol from time to time, but I would be working a day shift instead of nights... which is good because it is a lot safer than the B shifts and C shifts that I currently rotate between.

Anyway, I called her and we talked for a little while. Even though she's not ready to take the ring back, I am sure things are going to work out. We will begin to see more of each other and I will not have to bring my work home with me.

I am sure that we're not completely out of the woods yet, but we have a good place to start at.

Thanks again to Clough, Chery, and all of you that gave me advice... whether I agreed with you or not, I'm one to take advice where ever I can get it. I will be back around on probably what will be a daily basis. Thanks again, I appreciate all of you more than you know.

Building a happy life does take sacrifice, and hard work, and years. That's why a willingness to work together, and honest communications between partners, is so essential to any relationship, so keep talking, and above all be a good listener. That means shutting up, and understanding, what your being told, as you can't fix everything in a day.

Welcome dear, we are here for you.

As Talaniman said, it takes two-way communication and willingness on both of your parts to make it work. Sometimes it takes years to be perfect - especially when it's worth it.

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Well, an update... We are definitely working on things very hard... tonight we had our first physical contact in 2 weeks. She laid her head in my lap as we watched TV, and I ran my fingers through her hair. I know that this is very small and some people may just think of it as a normal thing, but this is big to me. I know it is going to take some time for her to actually believe that I am happy with my new position, and she knows that I am willing to wait. We are actually talking about things instead of arguing. She knows my opinion on fighting because of the things that I deal with every day... but we're making progress... for the first time in a while I'm feeling as though this will work out.

You already know that it's going to take a lot of work in order to build and maintaining your relationship. For me, it would be a big thing that you have experienced with her concerning the small gestures. If you are also discussing things openly, rather than arguing about them, then that is probably the biggest, proactive step that you could take with each other.

As such, I wish you well in your endeavor with her! Please don't give up the hope and perseverance, until you know that you might need to do that. A big part of life is about making choices, working with the costs and benefits as well as dealing with the cards with which we have been dealt, both good or bad.

You sound so positive now, and I'm so hopeful for you both! I hope that all of the communication and positive interaction continue to be so open for both of you!

Thanks for the update! :)

She knows my opinion on fighting because of the things that I deal with every day..
Do you know hers? Just food for thought.

Yeah, I know her opinion about it... but at times, we can all get carried away... she's about the same as me. She doesn't like it when things from the past are thrown in her face, but we will argue when it's necessary. Something that we try to do is talk about our bad fights or arguments later on to see what we could have done different... it might seem weird, but it's actually makes things better...

Well, an update...We are definitely working on things very hard...tonight we had our first physical contact in 2 weeks. She laid her head in my lap as we watched TV, and I ran my fingers through her hair. I know that this is very small and some people may just think of it as a normal thing, but this is big to me. I know it is going to take some time for her to actually believe that I am happy with my new position, and she knows that I am willing to wait. We are actually talking about things instead of arguing. She knows my opinion on fighting because of the things that I deal with every day...but we're making progress...for the first time in a while I'm feeling as though this will work out.
This just made my day!

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. It makes me optimistic, and in my book, lifted my scale of another chance for you at least 50% higher.

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And NO, not many men I know think this normal... most of the jerks in my life didn't even think of stroking my hair - they automatically thought it was a signal of another kind and expected more. So, thank goodness there are still caring men in this world.

So, I've got an update... We're doing better and better every single day. Although last night she went and hung out with a friend who would not bring her back to town (she was 30 miles away). She got put in a bad spot because of this friend and I had to leave work early to go get her... which was fine because things were slow (I was back on patrol for two days covering a vacation). She was happy when I came to her rescue. The others we're not too pleased to see me... seeing how I am a police officer and they are all outside drinking and so on... but anyway, that situation was defused quickly.

Moving on, I brought her home and put her in bed... I then went back to work to finish up my shift, and what's pretty funny about this is I ended up busting her friend for DWI...

I came home and told her about it and she wasn't upset at all. Later after I woke up, she sat down next to me and we talked for a while about how much progress we've made in the past two or so weeks. She asked me if I still had her ring and I said "Of course, I can't just take it back." She kind of walked around the subject, and then finally asked me if I thought she was worthy of wearing it again. I told her of course, the ring was hers and always will be. I got the ring out of my safe and placed it back on her finger... I'm so surprised that we're back to where we were. I never thought that we would be after her concerns about my job.

She has applied to be a deputy with the Sheriff's office here and is all excited about that... we're talking about moving to a better, bigger city after she gets some experience... we've had the time to let everything possible surface and get past them... and now we're focused on the future... It was in no way easy, and I'm happy that I listened not only to my heart, but her... I had forgotten how much her opinion matters in all of this... go figure... right? Anyway, Thanks again for all of your advice guys and gals.. this ol' boy really appreciates it.

Glad to hear things are going well, just remember to keep working together , and you can do anything.

If either of you stops me on the roads of Texas, I expect a free pass. Hehehehe!!