Well I suppose I should start at the beginning... Met a man at work around 6 years ago and the usual we hit it off straight away and became very good friends. He was in a long term relationship and had a daughter and I was married with two beautiful daughters. Through time the relationship progressed from friendship into something more for me, I knew I was cheating emotionally and was falling for this person. I believed he felt the same although at this time we never discussed it. Workmates could see the connection and asked frequently if there was something going on in fact anyone who came into contact with us when we were together either asked or assumed we were a couple. He left his partner as he said he was no longer in love with her and lived a single life for a while. During this process I was there to support him but again nothing was going on at this time. 2 and a half years ago the inevitable happened when we both admitted that we had feelings for one and other and we got together. I fell completely for him and decided that I had to end my marriage as I couldn't live the lie or deceive my husband any more. This was horrendous and my husband took and is still taking it badly, my daughters were also badly affected and its been so hard seeing the hurt and upset I caused. I kept going and tried to justify what I had done because I loved this man so deeply and believed he was worth it. Because of the way we got together we kept things quiet for a while but this started to put pressure on the relationship as after a while I wanted it to be out in the open and to have as normal a relationship as we could. He was reluctant to do this so it went on and on and built resentment. Well to get to the point things have been going downhill from Christmas last year and it all became a vicious circle of me looking for reassurance and him as I know now paying me lip service. Things came to a head 5wks ago and it ended. He told me that he loves me and is still in love with me but couldn't give me what I'm looking for as he didn't want another long term relationship. Now the BIG thing... after we split I have been told by a friend that he is Bi and has been seeing men behind my back. I have just collapsed as a person. I can't eat, sleep, look after myself or my beautiful girls and feel so hopeless and helpless... I loved and if I'm honest still love this man with every fibre of me and I don't know how to deal with it. As you already know I work with him in a very small office of only six people. I went back to work last Wednesday but to be honest I can't see me being able to continue as it's too painful to see him. I have had no contact with him whatsoever following the split and would l love never to have to see him again but I need my job, it pays for the roof over my head and looks after my girls. I feel I have ruined my life for this man and feel dirty and used given his sexuality... Part of me needs to confront him but don't know if I can cause it will only confirm my fears and I'm not strong enough... dont know what to do or how I can go on... Please help t

Welcome "can't breathe" - After reading your post, the 1st thing that came to my mind were your daughters. I think you need to focus on them and yourself, you are putting all of your energy on this other man, and not on the only people that should matter which are your children and your husband. I understand that marriages don't work, but you didn't specify much about your marriage, was it unhealthy? How long were you married for? It seems as if you connected with this person at work, and you let your emmotions take over, vs. understanding that you were already in a marriage, with 2 daughters, the logical side of the brain.

This new person in your life seems to be an unhealthy infatuation for you, he doesn't seem to have his own life in order according your references of possibly being "bi"

Stop to think if this is someone you want involved in your daughters lives, use your logic, not your emotions.

You need to take some alone time with your family, to figure out what you want, and what's best for your children.

I feel sorry for your husband and kids because you left them because you thought the grass was greener on the other side. Now there rumor of him being bi. You need to do some soul searching and search deep inside for what you what but in the meantime spend time at least with your kids because its seem the divorce affected then a lot and you need to show them love, now you see and feel what the word "karma" means but we all make mistakes and learn from them you can always vent on here.

WOW... Liz.. Harsh words.. but none the truer. I really can't feel sorry for her because you got tempted with grass being greener on the other side. Now you realized it wasn't, it hurt your husband and this is a payback in a way. This is why you don't get involved with guys from work, you made your bed, enjoy laying in it.

I do think of nothing else but my daughters, they are the only thing keeping me going just now. To answer the question of my marriage... it was not good and hadn't been since my youngest daughter was born. We met a very young age and I suppose just grew apart and getting into a relationship with this man was not a decision I took lightly, I thought it was the real thing. Karma well yes I suppose that's fair comment

I think you know what you need to do from here on out, and I don't think anyone will tell you that the new man is going to be the wise decision. Your daughters should be your #1 focus, good luck

The morality issues aside, what are you focusing on now? What do YOU think is important for you to do now?

I am aware of the moral issues here and believe me if you knew me you would understand how much I have struggled with the guilt for my family but as previously stated I was not happy in my marriage and hadn't loved or been intimate with my husband for a number of years. Yes I believe that I thought the grass was greener and fell hook line and sinker because someone showed me affection and love. I'm guilty as charged but I fell in love and surely that's not a crime. People who get into relationships when they shouldn't aren't always bad people. My sole focus just now is caring and loving my daughters and trying to pick up the pieces of the mess I have made, getting through every day is a struggle just now

Hello can't breath! Mmmmm... this is tricky he works with you... can only suggest you try and take some time off a week or 2 just to be out of sight, and print off the piece written on here called " what to expect when you get dumped" it is a masterpiece" read it at least 15 times a day, while you are off, absorbe every word - it makes us all understand our crazy minds!

You must also take harsh realisation although I know it is very hard, but if this guy wants you he will be with you, whatever he says about still loves you, it is his way of letting you go/down gently he does not want you so think about this HARD REALITY - and try your best to absorbe this even though the emotion takes over your mind. Take advice from people above and concentrate on your kids they are your bond they are your life, they are your legacy not a small part of your life which has ended up a mess. Stop being a mess, and when you get back to work, treat this guy as if he is a WORK colleague ONLY - be polite but don't discuss personal things at all even the about the cat if you have one!! do not leave - why should you!! WAKE UP TO THIS you will make it easier for him - do yourself justice - go out shopping and just look good every day spend money on yourself BUT do not give in to him OR go for coffee, lunch, or for an evening date with him - he must be cast out for good, you have to do this for you and your kids. Your guilt about the marriage is in your past you cannot change this, but just be a good person especially for yourself and for goodness sake LOVE yourself first and then the world will love you too. One day you will wake up (YOU WILL DO THIS WE ALL DO) working where you are or where you enjoy and will look back and wonder what all the fuss is about. WHEN YOU ARE emotionally balanced again, and the past boyfriend is history then you are ready to say sorry to your husband, with compassion and admit you were sorry for messing up, you did it out of unhappiness, not cruelty. REMEMBER do this all for yourself first and then you can have your world back.

Good luck!

Tribute, I meanth to write I agree with your answer because it was so right.

Cantbreathe, I agree that we all make mistakes and you basically got involved with him because he was giving you things that your husband wasn't and you know already it wasn't right so I going leave past alone.

It's good that you'r spending time with your kids and I know that likes it. You need not worry about this guy because he don't want the same as you. You do things that you need to do to put your life back in order and leave this guy in the past. At least when you do get involved with someone next time you know it won't be with anyone from work. Keep busy, busy, busy, and in time you would hurt from the pain he caused you and what you caused to yourself.

Thank you Tribune and Liz for your comments. Don't even know how to start to pick up the pieces as I feel so bad and as for any other relationships in the future... no thanks I could never trust another word any man said. I trusted him when he told me he loved, wanted, needed me etc and look where that got me. I think finding out about his sexuality has shocked me beyond belief. I never ever suspected anything and it has made me fel inadequate and confused.

Do you still interact with your ex-husband at all? Any chance of reuninting?

I am not going to say "I told you so" but I will say that I understand about the condition of your marriage and that you should have ended it before getting involved with antoher man. Anyway, I agree that your focus should be on your children and perhaps reconciling with your husband if that is possible.

There is no question of a reconciliation with my husband. I thought long and hard about the consequences before we split and I knew I didn't love him any more. Not being with the man I got involved with anymore makes no change to the relationship I had with my husband, that relationship was emotionally finished a long long time before I got involved with the other person. We still talk and try to have a good relationship for the sake of the girls. He is a great dad and has a huge role to play in their lives and I support that 100%.

I don't think you should said that you would never trust a man words just watch what type of man those words are coming from and its normal to feel this way after a breakout but you will survive. He just played with you and took advance of you especially when he knew what you was not getting at home and you embraced it because you felt unwanted and like the attention from the opposite sex. He not even sure if he like males or females or just like having his ice cream with a cherry on top. You never know what the future holds so don't be stressed out for someone who not worth it.

Take a deep breath and look at the real issues here. You and your girls. I know it is easier said than done, but you need to believe that everything happens for a reason and if the relationship is meant to be, it will be. You can't make others happy, unless you are happy with yourself. You chose to have your girls and they will always need their mommy. Focus on them and yourself and not on the failed relationship. Things will get better.:) :) :)

I try to tell myself every day that he took advantage and that I was vulnerable but ultimately it was my decision to get involved with him and good god am I paying for it now! Just wish the hurt would stop and I could start to function and breathe again.

You will be surprised at how strong you can be. Redirect your focus to other things, spend more time on yourself and children, take up a new hobby. Try writing down how you feel. By all means don't let him come back begging for more you may end up in a worse place than you are now. If you don't find yourself in a better emotional state soon, I would suggest seeking the advice of a therepist or other qualified health care professional.

Also, don't be so down on yourself, everyone makes mistakes. Think of this as a learning experience and grow from it.

Thanks KMG. There is no fear that he will contact me again, he was very clear that it was over and the sad thing is that I'm finding the fact that he won't try again really hard to deal with and I know, I know when I have my logical, sensible head on I ask myself why I would want to as I am far better off with him out of my life but unfortunately I can't just switch off the feelings I have for him and I hate myself for being so weak. I know I need to focus all the attention now on me and my girls and make life better for us but god it's so hard when he struts around the office as if nothing has happened and I'm sitting there dying inside

Cantbreathe,

My motto on life is "what dont kill me makes me stronger", especially when I survive after giving child birth because I think it's the worst pain in the world over heartache.

Cantbreathe ,you are already showing tremendous resolve and resiliency... I commend you. I bet that as you are able to get a handle on your pain and emotions, your brain will catch up and you will be fine.

Thank you for your kind words :) I just wish I was as confident as you are that I will be OK

My sole focus just now is caring and loving my daughters and trying to pick up the pieces of the mess I have made, getting through every day is a struggle just now
Let them be your life, as your choices in men is very shaky. Learn to forgive yourself, and love yourself so you can be an excellent mom.

Any advice as to how I handle work? I have read on here about NO CONTACT being the best way but in my situation that is impossible. Since going back to work last week I have completely ignored him and I have had no contact with him outside work since we split 5 weeks ago but as I work in a very small office ignoring him is causing an atmosphere for fellow workers and I suppose its making me look childish and unprofessional but I'm not strong enough just now to be able to act NORMAL

Being that you work in a small office and going run into each other you might have to how limited work talk and once you leave the job it no nc. I think in a strange way it will help with your healing. You don't have to engage in converstion with him but just hi and anthing work related. When your at work go there with your head high and smile on your face don't let anyone know and see your pain because this is not good for work and if its impossible maybe its time for a new job, but then you will be givint him the victory so don't let anyone run you out until your ready. It will be hard but your get over it and have all the glory. Show everyone that you're a strong women and nothing can't break you.

I can't be that strong woman, I would love to be but I can't. Got up today and felt the worst yet, it seems to get harder day by day as realisation is setting in on the impact this has had on my life. I'm trying so hard to go through the motions and keep things normal for the girls but I'm dying inside. I ask myself why I miss him and how I could possibly still want him I know it's ridiculous but he was a huge part of my life. I think this is too big for me and can't imagine ever getting over the hurt. The thoughts of him being with a man are driving me insane and as much as I try to process these thoughts in a rational manner... I can't. I feel sick that this was going on and I didn't see it. I feel so inadequate and weak

Don't take this the wrong way, but getting off the pity pot will help a lot. Feeling sorry for yourself is no excuse for not having Good Orderly Direction and Positive Actions. Let the love of your daughters motivate you to do what you have to at work, Be professional, and efficient, and all about work, thats what you do!

Don't be down and yourself and think negative. Get the word "cant" out of your vocabulary and use "I can". You feel like can't but you can. It takes a lot to get up and go to work, knowing that he's there, but you get up and face it. That alone proves your stronger than you think. You can do anything and go through anything and survive. I know its hard and painful and you feel hopeless, but don't. People are rooting for you and you will get over this and months or a year from now your going reflect on this and not believe you was thinking like this. You can lean on people here for support because everyone wants good things and positive things so chase the doubt from your mind. I wish I knew you to give you a hug because you need it and I don't like negative words your using. Please think positive because your stronger then you giving yourself credit for.

Hi can't breathe... you say that your husband did not and is still not taking this well. And neither are your daughters. Did you ever stop and think that maybe it is because you were very loved by them all? Even your distant husband? Have you thought of how things might be different now with your husband seeing as how you have been apart for a while and have had time to think of what you would have done different with him if you were still together. I'm sure he has thought of that and I am sure that he misses having his family with him. And I'm sure your daughters miss living with their dad. The other guy is heartless for what he did to you. He led you on and told you he wanted to be with you and you did the unthinkable to be with him. Then he just up and left for his own selfish reasons and didn't even care that you had given up just about everything to be with him. He sounds very immature and selfish. I would turn my focus on my husband and kids and maybe try to get some marriage counseling, which is the route you should have taken before you left your husband. I'm sure he misses you and he loves you, especially since you have children. Call HIM and forget the man at work... if it's that hard at work, look for another good job in the meantime, and never ever let him think that you feel weak around him... you have to look strong in order to be respected, even when you're not strong. I wish you the best of luck and this is definitely the place to tal kabout things like this.

Hi JJB thanks for the support I can use it right now. To give you a bit of history I met my husband when we were both 15 which is very young and I think through the years we just grew apart. My youngest daughter was born 8 years ago and things were bad then and sadly didn't improve. We tried counselling both individually and as a couple but my husband was very reluctant to participate as he seen it as washing his dirty laundry in public so it never really helped and if anything made me realise that sadly I was not in love with that person anymore. He took the split very badly as he admitted he never had to do anything for himself before as I had always took care of the girls, finances house etc so he said it was a shock to have to stand on his own two feet. Yes I still love him and he still loves me but not in the way we should and certainly not in a way that would give the girls the emotional stability they deserve. My Husband now has a new partner and they seem to be doing OK, the girls seem to like her and that's the most important thing. We try very hard to support them by telling them that although we may no longer live together we will always be mum and dad and love them very much... sorry for this being so long but it just explains the position with my husband. As for the other person well I think I'm going to take some more time off to get me well again and maybe I will deal with it better when I'm a bit more stable and not so emotional. I know in a sense it could be seen as him winning but it seems like my only option just now cause NO ONE is worth me losing my sanity over

Good for you... I think what you need to do then is go out and blow off some steam!! Start dating, but only the ones you can bring home to your daughters!! And BTW I don't look at it as him winning I look at it as him losing out!! :)

Thanks jjb :) but dating... NEVER AGAIN I have only had two relationships in my life and I'm 42! And look how they both turned out :confused: so from now on my goal is being the best mum I can be to my girls because they are the most precious thing I have and their love is unconditional

You go mommy!! I love my kids too

Karma! '" quote my husband took it pretty bad and still is"... you left your marriage, probably a good man and good father. For what? So you can please your selfish ego. You fell in love with this new guy, but what about him? Was it love or just infatuation?. I know am being harsh, but I think that life is getting back at you for what you did to your little girls and their dad! You are reaping what you sowed. This is some sarah marshal thingy going on here. You thought the grass was greener on the other side... but guess what? Its' not... the viscous circle of life and now you have to deal with it. I really don't understand how you think that a guy who makes you leave your marriage, without concerning himself about your husband and your little girls would be a good one for you. That guy is selfish as he is OK with helping you destroy a home. You are both selfish individuals and maybe can't get enough, thinking that more is better, yet you find over and over that it is not the case... you both need God in your lives!! He is just a little smarter cause, had he not done it, you would probably be the one who would end up breaking his heart, as soon as you met someone else you are attracted to... ( yeah I love... but didn't you love your husband at one point?. marriage is not a fairy tell, it requires work, and sacrifices, a LOT of it... ) My God are there any good ones left??

Anyway, I am sure you know that the task ahead is a tough one, seeing that you care a great deal for the guy." the more you care, the greater the pain and the bigger the lesson learned"... so brace yourself a long ride full of ups and down...

While I am at it, I want to ask you one thing. You said that your husband and you were distant or something like that, did you sincerely try to make things work? Did you go to counseling?. I mean can you honestly say that your tried everything to make your marriage work? Or you say this as an excuse? I think nowadays people think of marriage as if it was girlfriend/boyfriend relationship or something... for christ sake... and people are just too darn selfish and only want to satisfy their ego... now had you stopped and look at the pro and con, your girls, and husband, you would probably decided with you head rather than your urges... you are in this mess because of your own selfish reasons and now you have to deal with it...
And finally, I want to ask you something. What did you really think would happen with this guy?? I mean seriously people!!

Thanks gg23 for your comments but do you seriously believe I gave up a 25yr relationship on a whim... no I didn't. Had you read my earlier posts then you will see that yes we did try counselling and yes we did try to save what we had because we have two daughters. Life is not always black and white. A lot of comments on here have said more or less I have made by bed so I should lie on it and yes I suppose that's true because we make our own decisions and choices however we are all human and everyone makes mistakes and all I was looking for was a bit of support from the people on here. I didn't commit a crime I FELL FOR SOMEONE. You asked what I thought was going to happen with the other man... well this is a question I don't think anyone can answer as when you enter into a relationship with someone you never know where it will lead, it's a chance we all take and sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. I suppose the view is I don't have the right to hurt because the relationship started whilst I was still married well that's your opinion but a broken heart is a broken heart no matter what the circumstances.

I suppose the view is i don't have the right to hurt because the relationship started whilst i was still married
Fact one, you could have been honest and left, but you stayed until you found someone else, and then cheated. That will not get sympathy from anyone and especially if they have been cheated on by a spouse.

but a broken heart is a broken heart no matter what the circumstances.
Sometimes its poetic justice that things work out. Your husband is happy, and your brokenhearted. Hmmmmmm, I really don't think that's a coincidence do you?
You can still heal, and be happy though.

Every day people that mean to do good become cold and desensitize because of situations like this. This is true for both men and women. People make mistakes. True that, we are humans.

You said your emotions for your former husband was gone long time before that. Unfortunately things like that happen and its human nature! The question is were your honest with him about that or did you mask it and played along?. I m sure there are a lot of details that I don't know... but to people it really looks simple...

" you lied to your husband and family and left him for another man... a man who always want what he can't get... he need to go after people's wives to boost his ego!( I feel sorry for this guy)... after has causes you to do the unthinkable, he then cheats on you, and drops you cold turkey... that what people see... but then again, who cares what people think eh?. anyway what done is done and there is no going back...

You care a lot about this guy, but he is not a good man for you. A good man wouldn't do that. And trust me let him go, he is actually doing you a favor as it came this early!. imagine that you had stayed together longer, you would probably fall harder, and the damage would be even worse... it's a very humbling experience!.

Anyway do what I do... give yourself a few minutes everyday to grieve, then concentrate on the good things in you life, you little girls, and all the good things in your life... cause life is too short to let things like this waste precious time!. it hard I'm sure you already know that, but you be live. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!!

I have to say being harsh on Can't Breathe is rough too
We all go thyru life and find ourseleves in situations we can't control.. I know I did I regret it but it happened were human we fail...
Im having troubles at the moment so this site is absolutley magnificent in the healing process..
I say to Can't Breathe Im with you I understand where you are and maybe this advice is to the pair of us...
The human mind and brain is an amazing organ it CAN and does fix things it will with us too its an ABSOLUTE FACT the annoying thing is when?
I truly feel and it has happened to me in the past, that you wake up and its all gone...
I just hope it happens to both of us sooner than later

I'm sitting in the office right now and he's right behind me, laughing , joking and acting completely normally and it's driving me insane... feel like getting up, walking out and never coming back because I don't feel strong enough to be able to do this anymore but I know it would mean financial ruin for me and the girls to do that.

Will these feelings ever go? sad as it is I still love him but this is testing my sanity to the limit.

The feelings will go away, in time. It's up to you how to control your emotions, focus on work while you're there, and that's that. Time heals everything, you'll get through it

Everyone says the feelings will go in time but right now the pain is so acute. I want to contact him to scream, shout and let him know how much I'm hurting but what we would be the point... he's not stupid he knows already and it was just do me more damage. I just don't understand how he is able to switch his feelings off and move on acting like we are strangers but I suppose deep down I do, it's because the love has gone for him

confirm my fears and I'm not strong enough... dont know what to do or how I can go on...
Your stronger than you think, and more capable than you know, so stop downing yourself with that I can't BS!

I just don't understand how he is able to switch his feelings off and move on acting like we are strangers but I suppose deep down I do, it's because the love has gone for him
Maybe it was never there the way you thought, and you were more emotionally invested than he was from the beginning. Or his coping skills are more developed than are yours. Whatever the reason, you need to get with the program of getting yourself under control, to handle your business. You have a family to support.

I want to contact him to scream, shout and let him know how much I'm hurting but what we would be the point...

Give yourself credit for coming here to vent. That in itself is a good decision.

Thanks. Believe me I'm trying to be strong for myself respect and dignity most of all. It's really hard having to face him 5 days a week when I know the best thing for me would be to have no contact at all I suppose having to see him will just delay the healing process a bit.

It sucks you have to see him daily, but in a way I think this will desensitize you from him. You WILL reach the day where he is just another person, believe me, and believe yourself. I've been in your shoes before, and although the thought of being over the person might not seem realistic, time will overcome those feelings. Let time take it course, and "do it's thing" and look at the big picture whenever you have a moment of weakness, reach out to your daughters for strength.

Chin up

Thanks eastcoast... How long did it take you to feel normal again?

This time around it's been about 2 months, and the feelings seem to come and go. I realized a lot of things/emotions during these last couple months, one of them being, that I did everything possible to treat a woman the way she should be treated (to my knowledge) love/respect/dedication and that if that's something she doesn't want, or appreciate it, someone else out there will.

I can't tell you I am 100% but I've come a hell of a long way from the man I was 2 months ago. I have faith, and I truly believe that "she" is out there somewhere, until I meet her, I will do what makes me happy, which has been focusing on my family (I don't have kids, but my sisters, parents, etc) work, the gym, and golf... the last one is my new addiction :)

I told her how I felt when she left me, found this forum, looked back once, and haven't looked back since. Everyday I try to shift any focus I have for her, on something productive, and something that will reciprocate a positive energy back.

I'm glad you are getting there. And hope you find your special someone who will love you the way you deserve(even although she may become a golf widow):p You are right I need to start focusing on other things and stop allowing him to occupy my every waking thought. The only one that can decide to move on is me I know that but the hardest part is being brutal enough with myself to admit... The ship has sailed, he's gone, it would never be the same even if he did come back and most importanly that I don't need him to fuction the way I think I do.

Now you're talking! It's a tough reality to accept, but once you accept it, you can begin to heal. My sister has 3 kids (toddlers) and whenever I felt down, I would drive over there, and it's amazing what a child's laugh can do to someone that's feeling down. They really helped out a GREAT deal