My husband and I have been married for 3 years on June 1st 2008. We were going out for 2 years before that and have known each other for years...
He is a heroin addict. We have a two year old son together who is sooo awesome!
My husband is currently is jail for heroin possession (which of course wasn't his fault, he was trying to help a friend and his girl out).
He has been through every kind of rehab and I have stuck by him and supported him both financially and emoitionally.

Children and family services are now involved and are recommending that he not come home to the house (which was mine prior to us getting together).

I think (and hope) I'm done with " being there" for him. He is never there for us and has done nothing but continued to lie over and over again. He has pawned everything multiple times and is begging me to bail him out but I continue to say no except for the time he said I wouldn't need any money to bond him out. I said " how's that possible?" he said they will put a lien on the house.. that's when I said more than just " no" but "Hell No!"

My question is this... Isn't it true that he will probably always continue to go back to the drug? He's been detoxed and clean many times but he never wants to do the work it takes to stay clean. I think it also has to do a lot with RESPONSIBILITY. He doesn't want it.
So I think it's better to move on while our son is 2 1/2 because when he comes in and out of our life it really hurts. I see that it ois starting to affect our son so I think it's time to say goodbye... What do you think?
Yvette

You are right. Enough is enough till he just plain ole proves himself. If you are willing to wait to see if that happens, then that's fine with me, but for now, I think you need him to stay away till he proves himself. I am talking a year, two or even three to get himself together and be the man he wants to be or you need him to be.:) Good luck!

He may improve and he may not. It depends on how much you are willing to put up with. It sounds like he has never truly gone down the path and made it to the end for the permanent improvement that he needs.

Time for some tough love! You have your life to live and also raise a son for whom you are there and love.

Not all things between people staying together are meant to be. It has been noble of you to "be there" for him for as long as you have. But, it would seem that is a crutch to which he has become used to having. Time to not give him his crutch anymore and give him an ultimatum of either he gets his act together or the two of you need to part company.

I remember my mother telling me about her mom and her husband (my grandfather) whom I never knew, because he died many years before I was born. My grandfather was a heavy drinker. My grandmother had had enough. She gave him an ultimatum, either quit or that was it concerning the relationship! He quit.

If your husband truly cares about you and your son, then he will complete the path to truly being clean.

He may, many drug addicts do, but then many never do either. There is o way to tell. I would put the similar demands on him, he has to stay clean for one or two years before he could come home if that is a option.

But I will say this and it is going to be rude, was he an addict when you started dating, was he a addict when you married him, and was he an addict when you had a child together. If the answer is yes, why do you expect him to change

Fr_Chuck,

That's not rude... It's a good question and the answer is yes to all 3.
He wanted to quit soooo bad... or at least he led me to believe that he wanted to quit and I fell for it. You know us women, always trying to help someone.

But you are correct, why would he change when he's so use to getting the best of both worlds? I think I also felt sorry for him. We'll now I feel sorry for myself because I'm the one who is left to clean up all the crap.

Thanks for honest your response, Yvette

You deserve a fresh start, he can make a lot of promises, but he hasn't kept any, Right. Give you and you baby a new life. Don't trust him. You will eventually resent the fact that you wasted so much time on a losing game. Start a new life and give you and your child a fresh start! Good luck, and stay strong, don't look back, look ahead!

Quitting for you or for your son will not work for your addict. Rehab will not work. Not until he wants to do it for HIMSELF! I am married to a recovering heroin addict. He began recovery 2 1/2 years ago and has had no relapse... that's because he is working a 12-step program and truly desires to be clean. I'm new to this site and don't know the rules, so I don't know if I can name the programs, but they DO WORK. There are also 12-step programs for the families of the addicts. I am personally involved with one of these and have found the trust and love and companionship again with my husband that the heroin had taken away.

Yvette-

I just wanted to remind you how strong and purehearted you are. I have the same problem with my boyfriend of six years, except with oxycontin. I know how devastating this can be. Just remember who truly is more important, and that has got to be your son. Stay strong and good luck with it all.

By reading the posts above I can see you don't have to go through this alone.

All the responders are with you on your decision to rectify the situation by steering clear of the man for a certain amount of time and clearing up your life first.

IF(and if is the key word) he ever cleans up his act, you can make a new decision on which direction you want to go in the relationship with him,till then,stay on the path your on and keep looking for the next proper path to take for you and your son.

KBC

I am so glad that you are not into drugs and it's just him. There is nothing more heartrendering than a woman who loves a man who loves something else (like booze or drugs). You can't change him. Only he can change him. He probably does not have the character to leave the drugs alone and probably never will. I would walk away from him if you can and start over with a person who is more deserving of a good woman. It's hard to go, but if you've put up with him for this long, I am sure you are a strong willed woman who can do the impossible and walk away with a clear conscience.

OMG!
Rob was in jail and I was so strong... When I told him he had to leave a couple of months ago he had an appt to go to acts (detox) but he decided not to go... during the last 2 months he has been homeless and then found a guy to live with who ended up being a drug addict. The house they were living in only had a matress and some clothes in the front room (no electricity for days). Yet Rob said that the guy kept telling him that he just moved in... blah blah blah...
Anyway, they both got arrested on 5-23-08.
Rob for heroin possession and the guy for crack possession. Nobody in the family would bail Rob out. We all figured it was a good way for him to detox and get clean. Then on 6-9-08 some guy that he was in jail with ended up getting out and then bailing HIM out. ( They knew each other from riding the school bus during high school- Rob is 35 now).

On Monday Rob calls and has the guy drop him off at the gas station by our house..
So I pick him up and let our son (2 years old) see him and play. Rob spends the night but I'm angry this is happening because the day after he left the house Children and Family Services were called and they wrote a statement saying that if I let him come back home that "I'm failing to protect". I'm a nervous wreck! I don't really think Rob gets it. He has spent the night 2 nights and is asking to stay until Monday ( when he has a plan to get some $ - his plans never usually work the way he thinks they will). My older children ( teens) are upset with me and I'm getting stress from everyone from all directions.

He has nowhere to go... I even said to the guy who bailed him out that Rob needs to stay with him since he bailed him out. His excuse is that he is staying in a studio apt with his sister and there's no room. Yet this guy has come to pick Rob up everyday to go off to the bailbond office and to see atty's. And today they are looking for jobs??

It seems that Rob is more concerned about where he sleeps then thinking about getting our baby taken away. This is putting A LOT of stress on me and I don't know what to do.

Any ideas?

Quitting for you or for your son will not work for your addict. Rehab will not work. Not until he wants to do it for HIMSELF! I am married to a recovering heroin addict. He began recovery 2 1/2 years ago and has had no relapse...that's because he is working a 12-step program and truly desires to be clean. I'm new to this site and don't know the rules, so I don't know if I can name the programs, but they DO WORK. There are also 12-step programs for the families of the addicts. I am personally involved with one of these and have found the trust and love and companionship again with my husband that the heroin had taken away.


What is the name of the program that your husband went to?
Mine has been to Teen Challenge ( but was kicked out after 4 months)

Yvette, we are in the same boat. My child's father is also an addict. He is a crack addict. I tried to help him too,and kept taking him back over and over again. Finally I busted him stealing from me and took out charges on him. He is also homeless. He works and makes $12 an hour but lives in a homeless shelter. It makes me sick. I was with him through all the rehabs and detox programs, the only time he wanted to "change" was when he was losing me... Then he would cry wolf and be good for a couple days/ weeks... then he relapsed over and over. HE Won't CHANGE! NOT UNTIL HE HAS HIT ROCK BOTTOM!

Get on with your life or your fixing to lose your kid over this mess. My little boy is 2 years old too and CPS has already been involved too. I made sure that I made the right decision. MAKE HIM GET CLEAN BEFORE GRACING HIM WITH YOUR Child's APPEARANCE and even then make it a public place. Don't let CPS take your baby over his drug problem.I hope everything works out for you... PLEASE write me if you need to talk!
Keisha

It's Definitely Time To Move On... he's Only Gone To Treatment Because He's Been Forced By You Or Someone Else (probably The Court System) And Won't Stay Clean Until He Decides To Stay Clean. I Know This Is A Really Hard Decision For You And I'm Sorry For Your Pain, But Your Son Comes First... good Luck

I say leave him! He is not going to get better and u should leave him for the sake of your child and yourself.

Keep him out of your life. IF he truly wants you back he will clean up his life and get ahead and THEN come and show you that he has been clean 2 or 3 yrs to prove he wants to make it work. You have child services to back you up that he has to stay away. If you do not comply with that they can very easily say you chose him over the kids and remove the kids from your house.
I have known many guys and girls that have gone to jail for crack addiction.
They always have the excuse of why it wasn't their fault and they were only the victim
Because the dope ended up on the seat of their car because they picked up a hitch hiker and then got stopped by the police and the hitch hiker dumped their pockets so it wouldn't get pinned on them. There are millions of these excuses and I think I have heard them all.
Most addicts I know go to rehab only to get their system back to a point they can handle continuing the drug. Like they get down to 98 pounds, heart irregularities and the shakes.
Their only intent to going to rehab is to detox to the point their body can handle more.
They try and convince you that they really wanted to quit but rarely was it their intent.
It doesn't concern them at all if you lose your house, your kids and end up with nothing as long as you keep taking them back and putting up with whatever mess they put you through.

y, It is your **duty** to protect your child from a life of misery from being the child of a heroin addict and an immature mother.

You will pay a terrible emotional price in twenty years over having a broken child when all that could have been prevented. Count on it.