Ok, I've been seeing this guy since the middle of February. When we met he told me he was living with a girl and that their relationship was not working out and he was still staying there until he could get into his own place. We were dating and going out all the time and doing things together. There wasn't a day that went by that we didn't see each other. It was like we just clicked, the chemistry, it was all there. We got excited to just say hi when we saw each other. We finished each other's sentences, made each other laugh. He says I'm his angel and he's the wings. I've met his three children, his mother, his brothers and sisters. He brought his kids to my house and his 8yr old daughter climbs in the recliner with me and went to sleep. I thought I was in Heaven every moment that we spent together was magical. He had worked at the University here in our town for 10 years and lost his job for whatever reason. Times are hard these days and it has been tough for him to find another job. He ended up with a warrant for child support for $500.00. He got pulled over in my car and went to jail. He stayed in jail for a week and kept saying that he was tired of it all he wanted to get his stuff from that house and us move in together. My lease is not up until December so I told him just move in with me until we can get something together so that's what he did. This girl he was living with he told he was moving out but didn't tell her about me. She owes him $1000.00 and he was trying to keep her happy as well so she would give him his money with her tax refund. I had an extra cell phone that I was paying for and not using so I let him use it. He has a car that isn't running parked in her driveway. He went to meet a guy to sell it and left the cell phone on her couch. She went through it and called my number and cussed me saying that yes he moved out but they had not broken up. So he tells me that he really wants to be with me but he wants his money and that he loves me and he's torn about what to do he loves me but he doesn't want her hurt over the deal either. So he tells me he's going to take one small duffle bag full of stuff and make it look like he's going back over there and when everything boils down and he gets his money he's coming home. This is killing me, I've told him several times that I don't want to be in the middle of this that he needs to make a decision. He even had the nerve to ask me to tell her that we have never had sex. We lived together for two months good grief, is she really that stupid? Okay so a friend of his calls my phone looking for him and I told him what had happened and this guy is a clean cut nice guy, lives a good part of town, has his stuff together. He was there for a couple days just to listen and he invited me to a bar be que at his house on memorial day and he knows the whole situation. He knows that I'm a good decent hard working woman that doesn't have any kids and he can't see why the guy did this over a hood rat with three kids that lives in a duplex that was built in the 30s and doesn't even have a/c. So we get pretty close and he's been single for two years, he and his ex wife have four kids. He's offered me to move in with him already, he's offered to help me do whatever he can do and he's a gentleman that knows how to treat a woman. But every time I go to his house I feel guilty and in the back of my mind I'm still thinking about the other guy. I love this man with all my heart but I have hopes and goals and dreams in life and I know if I stay in this messed up triangle I will never have anything more than what I have right now and that is nothing. So why can't I let it go and be happy with the new guy, he's everything I've looked for in a man. I don't understand it.

When the new guy has the real love that you were looking for, then you need to go for it. True love never comes for the second time. What is there in your mind. Why are you not getting along with the life?

I'm not quite understanding what you wrote. Terry is the man I've been seeing since February and Henry is his friend that listened to me vent. I know that if I stay in this triangle with Terry, I will never have anything more than what I have right now and that is nothing. I've always wanted a good hard working decent man who knows how to treat a woman and has stability. Henry is what I've been looking for in life but when I spend time with Henry all I can think about is Terry. I love Terry with all my heart and I want more than anything for this to work out and him get his life organized and come home and us be a family but I'm knowing in the back of my mind that will never happen. So why can't I just let Terry go and be happy with Henry. I don't understand.

You love Henry but want a man like Terry because he is the man who gives the kind of love you were looking for. You know Henry's life and what he does. So if you stay with Henry you cannot have anything for you.
But ask your heart whom does it love. Ask your eyes whom does it see when you close your eyes. Ask your breath whom does it feel. Ask your eyes whom does it want to see again and again.
Here what is important is not what you can make for yourself but with whom do you want to be all your life. Henry can give you all the love and may not fulfil your dreams.

I'm not quite understanding what you wrote. Terry is the man i've been seeing since February and Henry is his friend that listened to me vent. I know that if I stay in this triangle with Terry, I will never have anything more than what I have right now and that is nothing. I've always wanted a good hard working decent man who knows how to treat a woman and has stability. Henry is what i've been looking for in life but when I spend time with Henry all I can think about is Terry. I love Terry with all my heart and I want more than anything for this to work out and him get his life organized and come home and us be a family but I'm knowing in the back of my mind that will never happen. So why can't I just let Terry go and be happy with Henry. I don't understand.

You need to let BOTH of them go and get yourself some self respect. You are letting him do this to you. Get the man that you deserve by allowing yourself to deserve it. For starters, stop dating men that are already in relationships-no matter what they tell you.
You don't need another man to help you get over the loser either. Especially a friend of his. So why do you want to be with a man who will never have anything more to offer to you? If I were you, I"d move on to a different class of people.

To depressed in mo:
You have no right to pass judgement on anyone else especially ones that you don't know. They were acqaintances not really friends. Henry is an artist and was only trying to advertise his business. And move to a different class of people, neither one of them are low class and neither am I.

Calm down, Kaj. Everyone has a right to pass judgement. There's nothing wrong with making judgements. How can you offer advice to other people if you don't have some sense yourself of what is the right thing to do? That takes judgement.

You don't have to take advice, or agree with the reasoning, but you can't accept counsel from others if you also demand they not make judgements. OK?

Having said that, I actually know what D.I.M. was trying to say. We have to respond to your story the way you wrote it, and it comes off as very needy. It sounds like you're only considering what to do in terms of these two men, and BOTH of them seem to bring an unbelievable amount of drama into your life, too.

That's a fair observation, isn't it? Even if you disagree, it's still reasonable to say.

So he's recommending you keep in mind that wrapping your life around either one of these guys may still leave you in a pretty insecure spot... playing second fiddle to the men's past and existing familial responsibilities.
Terry seems like an unreliable, money-conscious guy...but you love him.
Henry seems like a to have a lot that you would have to play second-string to...but you like him.
Ok, you like these guys. But D.I.M. is suggesting that if you had a fuller life with lots of other things going on taking you in other directions, you might find men available to you that don't carry all this drama, who would like you for you and actually be free and ready to consider you as their sole relationship focus.

That's all he meant. And I agree, for what it's worth.
=================

OK, now back to YOUR question: "Why can't i let it go and be happy with the new guy, he's everything i've looked for in a man?"

That's easy, you're ruled by your heart, not your mind. Your heart views Terry as who you "think" he is based on who he managed to be here and there over the past. You've pieced together a very filtered idea of what you get with him IN YOUR HEART.

Your mind is smarter and can remember all the crap, too. You just let your heart shout louder.

Your spirit would pipe in here, too, if allowed, reminding you how crushing it is to be treated the way this guy does over a few bucks and to ease the feelings of some other girl, as if that were supposed to make it OK to walk all over you.

Your mind and your spirit have a clear picture of what's going on. Meawhile your heart is pining away with it's "rose-colored" view of Terry, and you're listening.

You're old enough now to NOT be ruled by your heart. Listen to it. Then listen to your mind and spirit, too. Who is right? Choose based on all three.

Henry seems like a nice enough guy, but there is a LOT going on there, too. At least be open to the rest of the world.

Also, I truly wish I could get you to see how moving in with men you're dating completely messes up the track to happiness. MOST relationships end. MOST do. You're making it SO much harder to move on to your next good adventure when you find yourself living with the guy it's not working out with.

I'm just saying. Having a life of your own is so much better for you in every way.

to depressed in mo:
you have no right to pass judgement on anyone else especially ones that you don't know. they were acqaintances not really friends. henry is an artist and was only trying to advertise his business. and move to a different class of people, neither one of them are low class and neither am i.

Honey relax I was not passing judgement on you. I was, however, passing judgement on these men you are acquainted with. You posted that it was his friend so how was I supposed to know it was just an "acquaintance"-whatever that means.
I am not suggesting that they are low class, and I am CERTAINLY not suggesting that you are. I am just simply stating that judging by what YOU posted, you can do better for yourself than dealing with either one of these two men.
Friends or acquaintances, it does not matter, the first guy was using you, it appears (again, judging by what you have posted) that the second one sees how vulnerable you are and is trying to get you next. Because by allowing yourself to be used by the first guy, makes it look like you are easy to get and of course his "acquaintance" is going to go for it. Why not?

Therefore, I stand by my previous conclusion. Again, I apologize if I offended you, but that is certainly not my intentions.

In a way I see your point but maybe I missed something in the story somewhere. So let me go backtrack.

Henry and terry are two totally different people. Henry is well educated, stable, has his own place, good income, nice cars, and is very sweet and knows how to treat a woman like a lady.

Terry just barely graduated high school and doesn't have anything. Terry and I clicked and we still click every time we're together. I keep thinking how it was in the beginning it's like a drug addict they keep searching for that first high. Terry has potential to be something but actions speak louder than words.

I just have to make up my mind do I follow my heart and have love and nothing else or follow my mind and have everything but love. I could possibly fall in love with henry but his feelings for me are through the roof and I have none for him whatsoever. All I can think about is terry.

If you wanted choose someone then don't choose terry, he is loser and user. You should not want something with someone who can't not offer you something in life, but an headache. I would continue dating Henry but not move in with him yet. Take things slow and truly get to know oneother.

You only knew Henry for a short time and should not love him, but your heart should not be with Terry because he just played you and seems to love the idea that you can support him was he needs it and why would you want someone that jobless and not even current on his child support. If he can't even support his children , that he helped made, question yourself as to why you even want him and don't you feel you deserve more.

In a way i see your point but maybe i missed something in the story somewhere. so let me go backtrack.

henry and terry are two totally different people. Henry is well educated, stable, has his own place, good income, nice cars, and is very sweet and knows how to treat a woman like a lady.

Terry just barely graduated high school and doesn't have anything. Terry and I clicked and we still click everytime we're together. I keep thinking how it was in the beginning it's like a drug addict they keep searching for that first high. terry has potential to be something but actions speak louder than words.

I just have to make up my mind do i follow my heart and have love and nothing else or follow my mind and have everything but love. i could possibly fall in love with henry but his feelings for me are through the roof and i have none for him whatsoever. all i can think about is terry.


OK. I understand what you are saying. I still stand behind my words. This Terry guy is the one you WANT to be with. He is no good for you. You pretty much determined that in your first post. The Henry guy, which is an acquaintance of this Terry guy-is moving in on you, doing/saying the right things and you have NO feelings for him...

As I previously said, let them BOTH go. Give yourself time to heal over Terry, and find yourself overall-a better man.
Maybe Henry is good for you (I really don't think so, though), but you are not ready to be with him. And him just being an acquaintance with Terry-is only going to make it harder for you to get over Terry. Get my point?

You'll be all right. But the longer you stay in this situation, the harder it will be to get out of when you finally realise you don't want either one of them.

I just have to make up my mind do i follow my heart and have love and nothing else or follow my mind and have everything but love. i could possibly fall in love with henry but his feelings for me are through the roof and i have none for him whatsoever. Wow, that is deep stuff. It is way simplistic, but not necessarily inaccurate.

That's a tough call. This is the hard part about adult choices. Choosing one thing means giving up another. Always.

If I were in your situation, I'd force myself to make some life choices apart from the men themselves using the same terms you've already laid out. I don't think these are your only options, as I've already said.

But here is your philosphical quandry... do you
- live in misery but have those love pangs going strong for the one making you miserable
- live in relative happiness, though never feeling that deep love pang you cherish so much

Which is a better way to LIVE? It's a tough call. I know I'd choose the second, but MANY people would call me dumb for that, they think love rules all. I don't know, this forum is full of miserable people following their love blindly. I don't get it.

I think there are way more options than you're allowing, but what can I say?

Terry is going through stuff, it's not like he doesn't want to work, he had a very good job for over 10yrs. He gets up everyday and goes job hunting and keeps telling me that he loves me and he doesn't want to lose me and wants me to wait for him to get his sh>O together and wants to buy a house. I just don't see it happening.

terry is going through stuff, it's not like he doesn't want to work, he had a very good job for over 10yrs. he gets up everyday and goes job hunting and keeps telling me that he loves me and he doesn't want to lose me and wants me to wait for him to get his sh>O together and wants to buy a house. i just dont see it happening.


Go with your gut. And please, go on with your life. Who knows how long it will take for him to get his sh*t together. However long that is-that will be however many seconds, minutes, hours, months, years you have wasted of your life waiting on him. Honestly, there is a good chance he may never change.

Terry is lying to you just like he did from the start with his roommate, a liar will always be liar,and can't be trusted. He is feeding you a whole lot of game and most likely telling you things you want to hear and giving you false hope.You have to sto listening to him and one way to do so is to stop listening and follow your women instincts. But you have to want too and it seems that you don't or not ready because your very defensive when it comes to him, I wonder if he's the same way about you.

Like I said he told me the truth in the beginning and I knew what I was getting into so I have no one's to kick but my own regarding that situation but I am defensive of him because of how good it was in the beginning. And he does have his own way of making money and whether it's working on a car for someone or cutting hair. He's always helped out and he gets his kids every weekend and does stuff for them. He is genuine and he has hopes and goals in life but he's 31 years old it's time to do something about those dreams.

I would never move in with Henry, he just suggested it for me to save up some money.

What exactly is he doing to achieve any of his goal because its never too late for that, but that's something he have to want to do. When all have goals/dreams but we as an indivual have to make it happen.

He lost his wallet that had all of his driver's license, ss card, everything and in tx if you don't have one or the other it's hard to get either one of them. To get a job you have to have a ss card and an id. Ss says to get a copy of your ss card you have to have a valid id, dps says in order to get another copy of your dl you have to have a ss. Our state workforce center has said they will help him get both. No results yet. Its very frustrating. And when he does get the kids we do fun stuff like I have a pool at my apt and we take them swimming or go to the park, all of this stuff is free and fun. Sometimes we take them to the zoo but we always try to do fun stuff with them.

If he had a valid ID and lost it then he should go to the dmv and ask for a retrived id, this way they can look in the computer and match him to the photo, that's what I did when my pocketbook was stolen.

Not in Texas. You have to have three forms of id to get either one. The one he had is expired so he has to go through the whole shibang all over again.

I have read the post and almost did not respond but it is stuck in my head.

You have dated this guy for 4 months now. All the while he is living with someone. And according to him it is for the sake of money.
You are sure he has been honest with you all this time. But how can you know? It has only been four months. The whole time he could have been lying and you would not know the difference because he started with a lie.

He sounds as though he has an excuse for everything. Oh, he lost his license or wallet with all the important stuff. Nothing is simple, but wait that license that was lost now was expired and no good anyway.

If everything he has said is actually on the up and up, then one thing you can be sure of - is that $1000 is more important to him than this relationship. You deserve better.

As for the friend. Well, that is a no-brainer. You stay away from any romantic level. Your heart is with this other person. Until you can properly move forward and leave the past behind, you don't need to make a huge leap like that. Your head may not be clear.

You did fine before either of these men, you have your own place, you are taking care of your own bills, etc. You don't need to be taken care of. That part of it - you are doing just fine. Continue to do so.

His license expired on his birthday in March. It's so hard to form an opinion when someone doesn't know the whole story. You all are only getting bits and pieces. My question in the beginning doesn't really have anything to do with these two men specifically and in a way it does. My question is I'm torn and how do I get over it.

On one had I have a guy that in the beginning everything was wonderful and I want that back. Just like I told him this weekend you're not the same person I fell in love with. He's fun, spontaneous, never a dull moment. But I can't lie and say those feelings have dissappeared because they haven't. I still love him. I just wish he would get his priorities straight.

On the other hand, I have a guy that has his life organized and actually do something for me. He's sweet, kind of dull, responsible, makes good money and could actually provide for me in a long term state. That is what I've always looked for.

I love Terry but know he can't do anything for me and Henry which is everything I've looked for in a man but can't let it go with Terry and I don't understand what this hold is that Terry has on me. I just don't get it.

His license expired on his birthday in March. it's so hard to form an opinion when someone doesn't know the whole story. You all are only getting bits and pieces. My question in the beginning doesn't really have anything to do with these two men specifically and in a way it does. my question is i'm torn and how do i get over it.

On one had I have a guy that in the beginning everything was wonderful and i want that back. Just like I told him this weekend you're not the same person I fell in love with. He's fun, spontaneous, never a dull moment. But I can't lie and say those feelings have dissappeared because they haven't. I still love him. I just wish he would get his priorities straight.

On the other hand, I have a guy that has his life organized and actually do something for me. He's sweet, kinda dull, responsible, makes good money and could actually provide for me in a long term state. that is what i've always looked for.

I love Terry but know he can't do anything for me and Henry which is everything i've looked for in a man but can't let it go with Terry and I don't understand what this hold is that Terry has on me. I just don't get it.


It doesn't matter. He can call the license bureau and they can tell him what he needs to do as far as getting his license back. You are making excuses for this guy. No one is judging that-it is OBVIOUS. The only way you are going to be able to let him go is to cut him off completely. Dating his "acquaintance" isn't going to help either. You cannot be ready for somebody new when you are still stuck on the old -period. You want things to be the way they were, but that is not going to happen. As previously stated, even if he were to come back, it would still all be based on lies. And he will end up cheating on you just the same. He is not going to get his priorities straight until you stop babying him (and whoever else he is with too) and believing all of his BS. It is called control and as long as you let him have it, he is never going to change. He is manipulating you and others so that he can continue to be irresponsible. You wanted advice on how to get over this? Stay far, far away from him. You have been told this numerous times, yet you continuously keep coming to his defense. You will only get over him if you let him go. There is no more better advice to give than that. Stop thinking with your heart and start using your head.

His license expired on his birthday in March. it's so hard to form an opinion when someone doesn't know the whole story. You all are only getting bits and pieces. My question in the beginning doesn't really have anything to do with these two men specifically and in a way it does. my question is i'm torn and how do i get over it.

On one had I have a guy that in the beginning everything was wonderful and i want that back. Just like I told him this weekend you're not the same person I fell in love with. He's fun, spontaneous, never a dull moment. But I can't lie and say those feelings have dissappeared because they haven't. I still love him. I just wish he would get his priorities straight.

On the other hand, I have a guy that has his life organized and actually do something for me. He's sweet, kinda dull, responsible, makes good money and could actually provide for me in a long term state. that is what i've always looked for.

I love Terry but know he can't do anything for me and Henry which is everything i've looked for in a man but can't let it go with Terry and I don't understand what this hold is that Terry has on me. I just don't get it.

Most of the time - the beginning of a relationship is great. All the newness, discovery, etc.
It's called the "honeymoon" phase. Once all of that goes away, the work begins.
You begin to see the flaws in each other - that is normal and natural.

I think, judging by what you have written here, that this Terry guy has been cheating on you and the woman he lives with. If that is how the relationship started - well, that is what you have to look forward to if you decide to stay with this person.

And Henry, while he may be a great guy - again, by what you have written, he only sounds like "friend material". It would be unfair to you and him if you pursued a relationship with him. You heart is not in it. You know that going in - why put yourself through that?

In reality - there is someone out there that is perfect for you. You just have to find him. You are going through the trials and tribulations of dating. Don't settle for anything less because you think this may be the end of the road for you.


And if I have missed something again, I apologize. I am just basing my opinion on what you have told us so far.

That's just it, I've been going through the trials and tribulations of dating for entirely too long. I'm 32, no kids, never been married. My greatest fear is being alone. I want to be married and have a family of my own. I'm getting too old. There's been plenty of times in the past when I passed up something that was great just because I thought there was something greener on the other side. Now they come way too far and between so I'm reluctant to pass up these days.

Your greatest fear should be - being unhappy. Don't look for that magical person to make you happy. You have to be happy with yourself before anyone else can do it.

And by what you just wrote, it sounds like you are settling.
DON'T DO THAT!

Neither one of these guys fits your bill. Each has something about them that you would normally not go for. I think you know that. But your fear of being alone is overridding everything else.

Life doesn't always go the way we think it should. I had my life planned/mapped out. I was going to get married, have a house, have kids all by a certain age.
Well, I did get married, did get a house, but what I wanted more than anything was to be a mom by 25. 25 came and went. I felt almost lost. Angry at my husband for not making my "dream" come true.
My daughter came a couple of years later and looking back on it, if I had had her any sooner - it would have been a disaster. I was not ready. I didn't know it then. But I do now.
Everything happens for a reason. You just may not know what that reason is right now. You will though.

And 32 is not ancient. You are NOT to old!! You are just getting started!

What would you be passing up? If you look at the cold, hard truth of the matter - what are you truly giving up?
One man is living a lie, he will bring those lies with him. You will not be happy. You will not find the white picket fence, stability, etc.
The other man, he says all the right things, but your heart is not in it. You will not know passion, you will not know true love with him.
Now, it could be with this one, that your timing is off. Maybe (and that is a big maybe) once you have fully let go of this other man, you could consider moving on with Henry. But right now, your heart isn't in it.

I talked to Terry and asked him if he would get his things out of my house. I told him that I didn't want to be a part of his little charade anymore and that if and when he was truly single and I didn't have someone in my life that maybe we could possibly try to work on something with just the two of us. He didn't like that idea and asked me to give him a few days that he was trying to get his belongings organized and out of her house. He also got a copy of his id so he is still working on getting a job. He's still adimate that he loves me and wants to work on a meaningful relationship with me and that he'll just die if I leave him now. He said regardless of what happens even if we don't work out he is still moving out that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with this other girl. I can't stand this. Just get your stuff and get out.

Henry on the other hand is a basket case. He calls me at least 10 times a day just to say hi. He was crying Friday night because he was trying to call me and I had my ringer turned off so I could get some rest. He knows that I still have feelings for Terry, but let his feelings get involved anyway.

This is just not healthy!
You were right to tell Terry that if and when he is truly free - then maybe.
I would stick to your guns on that one.

Henry, well, I don't know - crying because he couldn't get intouch with you? Watch that one - he may be stalker material.